215: The Water-Bearer

SUMMARY

An evening at home with your iteration could bring the two of you closer, Outlaw. Your emotions are intense right now, so you need to use your intuition to judge exactly how much of your feelings you should reveal. An intellectual passion could also come your way. You might discover a new field of interest and you’ll want to bury yourself at home studying it for hours.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by August and Karma and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 215.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. I’m still streaming on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack and then we hang out and play a video game. Next episode is the season finale, which means that next stream I will be revealing spoiler-free quotes and corkboard cards during the stream when people donate. So if you want to hang out and watch me play Donkey Kong Country 2 while I read some choice quotes to look forward to for the season finale, you should check that out at twitch.tv/woebegonepod.

And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, corkboards, and morkboards. This is the last week to sign up for the third anniversary August postcard. They will be going out soon, and I am very excited for you all to experience what I have in store. The $15 tier also gets you – at time of recording – 50 Q&As and 155 director’s commentaries, as well as all of the albums that I have released. Again, that’s patreon.com/woe_begone.

Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning, this episode contains depictions of violence and death, and also some scenes that might be considered wet and/or visceral. Listener discretion is advised.]

[We hear the ambient sounds of the Scrapyard: metal clanging, machinery, Outlaw Ty is rummaging through piles of scrap metal looking for supplies.]

OUTLAW: Broken, defective, missing wires… this one too. Defective, defective… Come on, one of these has got to work. What’s a fella got to do to get a leg around here?

[Time travel noise.]

CRYSTAL: Ah, this must be Bluster’s Grove. Hello, Outlaw. It gladdens my heart to see you again. I’m pleased that I was able to locate you, but as Rumi said, what you seek is seeking you.

[Ty draws his gun.]

OUTLAW: Who in tarnation are you? You’re trespassing, you know. Can’t just anyone up and use this scrapyard. No, don’t come any closer, you hear. I’m the third best shot in all of Bluster’s Grove, and I can have first and second place here quicker than grease lightning if you move another inch.

CRYSTAL: No need for that, old friend. In any case, we wouldn’t be so self-destructive. Take a deep breath and center yourself. That’s it. You are perfectly safe here. Surely you remember Crystal Ty? I’m here on a mission of peace.

OUTLAW: Well, if it ain’t the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Peace ain’t worth a lick here, pilgrim, and safety is relative. Why are you in my scrapyard?

CRYSTAL: Meditation and the gateway process help us to explore the potentialities of intention, and there is a battle raging. I have concerns, and I thought it wise to bring them to you. You and your soul bonds are in danger.

OUTLAW: You mean Tex? Cause he ain’t, we ain’t–

CRYSTAL: The cowboy, the horse, this whole town. Destruction approaches across the dimensions and the stars are going out. You may stay calm, but you must prepare. The space between dreams and reality is thinning, and as the Buddha pointed out, with our thoughts we make the world.

OUTLAW: Oh, just say what you mean, dang it. This is why I never went to therapy at the compound. You’re a dang space cadet.

CRYSTAL: Interesting that you mention my practice. Therapy is why I came here. Maybe our minds are more closely linked than you thought, but then the border between madness and genius is very narrow.

OUTLAW: What are you saying? I ain’t mad, and I ain’t interested in therapy, pard. The only therapy this cowboy needs is the Outpost, Bluster, Tex, and some iridium. You got any iridium?

CRYSTAL: [Slight chuckle.] I did not travel here to offer you a therapy session, Outlaw, nor do I consider you any more mad than anything in this world, nor indeed do I have any iridium on me. I have encountered danger in my travels that you need to hear about. It concerns Felix. He has returned from a long journey, both of the body and the mind.

OUTLAW: Felix? Is he all right? He is not hurt, is he?

CRYSTAL: He will be fine. I see him at the compound twice a week, mostly regarding the tragic loss of his Goofy Movie VHS tape. After I helped him work through that trauma, he warned me about what is to come. Do you have awareness of Christmas Island?

OUTLAW: That place with the crabs what’s on the other side of the world? I reckon I do, but what’s that got to do with Felix?

CRYSTAL: The compound is running an operation. Felix accidentally encountered this operation while he was attempting to retrieve three duplicates of himself that have transcended this plane of existence. There are living duplicates of the Mike Walters on the island, functioning as what the compound calls hot storage. Felix told me of his troubles in dealing with these duplicates.

OUTLAW: Don’t this violate doctor patient confidentiality?

CRYSTAL: Come, come now, Outlaw, you must remember that it is the compound’s belief that the Ty Betteridges are all the same person and therefore are all the same doctor. Felix barely escaped Christmas Island. He had to deal with an Island Mike in the process. We have been working through his traumatic patterns in that regard, externalizing the feelings and lowering the emotional arousal levels for the events. But that is not what is important. Because of the protective dome over the Island Mikes, Felix had to exit via a physical extraction point. The post-corporeal Island Mike left his old form near the extraction point, which led me to worry that the pre-post-corporeal duplicates would discover it as well.

OUTLAW: So he killed an iteration and left the corpse laying there rotting at the exit, you mean? So the rest of them iterations could just walk up and find it?

CRYSTAL: He is a corpse from our temporal vantage point, yes. I was concerned about how the other duplicates might react to his new state, so I projected my subjectivity to see if I could understand what was happening. Thankfully, the tracing department has been abandoned due to downsizing and I was able to project through their computers to facilitate my understanding.

OUTLAW: You used a dang tracing computer without authorization? Well, that ain’t projection exactly.

CRYSTAL: One could say that I accessed the tracing department’s surveillance equipment, yes. I believe it was a matter of synchronicity. I was able to locate the moment when Felix crossed the energetic barrier, but a second signal appeared soon after. There is a second being that escaped Christmas Island that day. I fear he may be among us now.

OUTLAW: And why should I give a damn that there’s iterations running about? Good for them, I say. Them compound experiments is torture devices. Don’t that show up in their auras or whatever you want to call it?

CRYSTAL: Indeed. My concern is that these duplicates were shielded from the recent timeline correction. Their knowledge of other realities is a propagation risk. They will know who you and Tex are and might destabilize the life you are building here.

OUTLAW: Oh, you ain’t got to worry about that no more, Crystal Ty, because I’m building one hell of a defense system out here. The best defense is a good offense. And the reason I’m out here in this dang scrapyard is because all I got left to do is install this.

[Leg Unit whirs to life.]

LEG: Welcome to Leg, the smart leg.

OUTLAW: Bingo. This here leg unit is all I need for the greatest offensive weapon that Bluster’s Grove has ever seen.

LEG: I have detected that you are a cowboy. Yeehaw, partner.

OUTLAW: Tex’s place is already fortified with an iridium array to keep folks out, but this here will put down any trespassers. Make them post-corporeal, if you will.

LEG: Entering kill mode. Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.

OUTLAW: I’m building a weapon called the Lionhorse, made of these leg units, programmed to attack anyone what want to make trouble for us. I’m dang proud of it and it’s almost ready for action. I ain’t worried about no Mike iteration. None of them can stand a wallop from the Lionhorse.

LEG: I am detecting a device named Lionhorse on the leg network. Would you like me to sync with the Lionhorse?

CRYSTAL: I am glad that you feel secure, Outlaw. But feeling secure through violence has a built-in expiration date. You are only safe until your weapons stop working, and then your song ends. No more hiding out and scraping by.

LEG: I have detected the lyrics to the song the ballad of Outlaw Ty.

OUTLAW: Well, they’re working right now, pard.

LEG: Would you like me to play the ballad of Outlaw Ty on Apple Music? Please enter your subscription information.

OUTLAW: Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the heads up. But you ought to get out of here before the wrong person sees you. Tex don’t like me cavorting with folks from the compound. I don’t blame him. It ain’t nothing but a headache. You ought to get before he shows up. I can’t promise he won’t shoot you. It ain’t nothing personal, but… of course… hey.

CRYSTAL: Is that him over there?

OUTLAW: It sure as hell ain’t! Hey! Freeze, you varmint! After him!

[Clinking of spurs as Outlaw runs after the trespasser, who can be heard breathing hard.]

CRYSTAL: There is no need to resort to bloodshed, Outlaw.

OUTLAW [Yelling.]: I’m authorized by the honorary sheriff to shoot! Hey! You ain’t gonna propagate nothing, you lowlife!

[Gunshot. 69 is heard gurgling.]

OUTLAW: That’ll show you running away from me. Now just who were you, pard?

[69 continues gurgling as he dies.]

OUTLAW: 69? What the hell were you doing watching me?

CRYSTAL: Every mortal will taste death, but only some will taste life. Travel well.

OUTLAW: Son of a bitch was always trouble. Hell, Tex already cut his tongue out. He would have told the whole outpost what he saw. I’ll have to make up something to tell Tex about why I killed him. Shouldn’t be hard. He indulged in just about every vice there is. I’ll tell Tex that he owed me a debt. Lots of dead iterations made that way around here.

CRYSTAL: That is the sort of energy that has a way of returning at the most inopportune times if you allow it into your life, Outlaw.

OUTLAW: No, this ain’t bad energy. This is me doing what I got to do to keep Bluster’s Grove safe. Them dang numbers can’t know about us and they can’t know I’m the one what’s building the Lionhorse. It’s better they think it’s a myth. I did right by Tex.

CRYSTAL: If you are going to carry water for Tex, make sure you do not get crushed by the weight.

OUTLAW: I’ll make a note of that. You got anything else you want to tell me before you get on out of here?

CRYSTAL: Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Goodbye, Outlaw. It was lovely to see you again.

OUTLAW: Yep. Nice seeing you too, Crystal Ty. Happy trails.

CRYSTAL: Nothing is sad until it’s over. Then everything is.

[Time travel noise.]

OUTLAW: [Sighs.] All right, 69. Let’s get you out of here. I got a Lionhorse to build and a grave with your name on it.

[Opening theme plays.]

[Radio static and tuning sounds. Sound clears when the broadcast begins.]

TEX [over radio]: Howdy folks, this is Tex. I don’t know how many of you numbers out there got your ham radios on, probably none of you, but I wanted to hop on here and tell y’all that 69 died this morning in the scrapyard. Now none of y’all probably care because 69 was a varmint and a fiend and a pain in all y’all’s asses, and I already had to cut his tongue out to keep him from making even more trouble. But Outlaw’s the one killed him, and he’s real broke up about it. He don’t want to just throw him in the pit, so I told him we could bury him in Bluster’s Grove Cemetery tomorrow at 10 a.m. Now you don’t got to come, and you sure as hell don’t got to miss that idiot, but me and Outlaw and Bluster will be there, and Outlaw’d be real happy to see you. I wrote some words for the occasion, but I’ll make Outlaw read ’em.

Also, while I got y’all’s ears, stay the hell out of the south side of town for a few days. Hell, stay out of there in general. We’re working on some new weaponry out there, and we don’t want y’all ending up in the crossfire. It ain’t calibrated yet, so it don’t know you from me from Bluster. And if the damn weapon don’t kill you, I just might for trespassing. And ain’t none of us gonna bury you in the cemetery. You’re going in the pit with the rest of them. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. This is Tex. Over and out.

[Heavy static as the radio tunes out.]

[Nightmare plays over the radio at first, before the sound becomes clear.]

When I was young
All I wanted to be
Was useful to someone
And made of machines

But now that the metal
Is sewn into me
I can tell that it’s not what
It’s cracked up to be

So pull your limbs in close
Feel the blood that courses through your toes
Understand what I’m telling you
The nightmare of having a metal leg is never through

It’s cold out here
In 2030
All my friends are dead
Or younger than me

They want some advice
But all that I have
Is don’t get a metal leg
It’s just a pain in the ass

So pull your limbs in close
Feel the blood that courses through your toes
Understand what I’m telling you
The nightmare of having a metal leg is never through

[Static as radio tunes in.]

TEX [over radio]: Howdy folks, it’s Tex again. I reckon none of y’all are listening to this because none of y’all showed up to 69’s funeral. That’s got to be the reason. Y’all need to learn when something’s actually a suggestion and when I’m just trying to be nice about telling y’all what you ought to do. Y’all broke Outlaw’s heart by not showing up to the funeral, and I’m gonna make sure y’all fix that pronto, you hear? And that ain’t a suggestion.

And it also weren’t no suggestion that y’all stay the hell away from the south side of town. Outlaw’s a technological gunslinger and we can tell if someone tries to brute force codes to get in places they don’t belong. So whichever one of you yellow-bellied nitwits is trying that, knock it off or it’s lights out when we catch you. Got it? Bluster will kick your head clean off your body. I seen him do it. Anyway, that’s all I got. See y’all at poker night. Over and out.

[Radio tunes back out.]

[Scene transition.]

[We hear a wrench clicking as it turns.]

LIEUTENANT: All right, that ought to hold her. All right, to enter my thumbprint. [Ding.] Yep, new access code, 5-4-3-8-8-3-6-2-6-8. [Ding.] Now it should scan for bio-signatures all over again. [Beeps; ding.] Perfect. You done made your last mistake, Tex.

[Machine starting up and revving. It emits a deep, mechanical growl.]

LIEUTENANT: Hello, Lionhorse. I got a snack for you. He should be showing up any minute now.

[Door squeaks open. Hooves start clopping towards the door.]

LIEUTENANT: Right on time.

[Lionhorse huffs.]

TEX: Who the hell goes there? 92, is that you? I told y’all on the dang ham radio to stay the hell away from here. Look, whoever you are, if you come out with your hands up, I might not even kill you. That’ll depend on if you’re still breathing when I’m done teaching you a lesson.

LIEUTENANT: Some interesting vats you got on the wall in here, Tex. What’s in them?

TEX: They got water in them. It’s Texas. Got to keep the homestead well supplied.

LIEUTENANT: You know just as well as I do that ain’t water, Tex. Someone’s floating in there. Bunch of someones. You told me all about it on the island. Figured none of us were making it out of there alive. No reason not to spill the beans. Hell, that’s how I got the warehouse code.

TEX: Now who the hell are you, pilg? Because you ain’t no damn number, that’s for damn sure.

LIEUTENANT: I’m disappointed, Tex. You don’t recognize your old friend Lieutenant? Not many folks remember me these days. Probably better that way. This here Lionhorse remembers me though. I reckon he’s my new best friend. He’s very protective of me.

TEX: There ain’t no Lieutenant no more. Not since the correction. Operose is gone. That whole thing got corrected out.

LIEUTENANT: You’d be surprised what managed to stick around. I’m getting the band back together. This is just a pit stop. I’m finding Eagle, then we’re heading back to deal with your friends in Slovenia. Don’t tell me you forgot them too, Tex? Or should I say B? Because that’s what they’re calling you out there in that forest. Quite a nice village they got there. I’m trying to do something about that. Should be rubble by the end of their precious shaduke festival.

TEX: I ain’t got a clue what you’re talking about. Ain’t ever heard of no Slovenia Mikes. Don’t know nothing about B. Your plan ain’t airtight. You got some bad information.

LIEUTENANT: Afraid it’s your memory what’s full of holes. And the rest of you is gonna be full of holes soon enough.

TEX: [Cocks gun.] I’m tired of the word games, pilg. It’s time.

LIEUTENANT: I ain’t interested in a gunfight with you, Tex. You’re here to duke it out with the Lionhorse. I got bigger fish to fry. It was nice knowing you.

[Time travel noise]

[The sound of loud, metal hooves and horse noises.]

TEX: Lionhorse, this is Tex speaking. Stand down. Cease functions.

[Lionhorse revs louder. Tex shoots at it twice and it does not flinch.]

TEX: Bluster-

[Lionhorse attacks Tex, who makes pained noises.]

TEX: Bluster, I- help me-

[Lion Horse stomps on him again and Tex makes a wet noise. Bluster whinnies and runs off.]

[Heavy static as radio tunes in.]

TEX [over radio]: [Choking.] Can anybody hear me? I’m in the warehouse. Outlaw. Outlaw, I’m in the warehouse. [Labored breathing.] The Lionhorse, he’s gonna come for you. He’s coming for you. Run, run. All y’all need to run. He- [Choking; radio tunes out and fades.]

[Scene transition.]

[We hear a phone calling. The call sound cuts off.]

OUTLAW: Hey there, pard. I was wondering if y’all got any more of that osmium coming into the scrapyard this afternoon. I got a project that could use a little fine-tuning. [Pause.] Yes sir. Would you mind holding onto that for me? I’d hate for it to be sold out from under me–

[Time travel noise.]

OUTLAW: God dang it. I’m gonna have to call you back. Hang onto that osmium, you hear?

[Phone call disconnects.]

OUTLAW: I told you I didn’t wanna see your sorry hide round these parts no more, Crystal Ty! What the hell are you doing here?

CRYSTAL: Memories are malleable. We remember them anew each time, but I don’t recall you saying that. But there isn’t time. I am not here to bring you wisdom. I am here to extract you.

OUTLAW: You ain’t got no authority to extract me, you mongrel.

CRYSTAL: My apologies. The current situation supersedes the advice that I was giving you. This is an unofficial correction issued by myself, not the compound. You need to depart from Bluster’s Grove both immediately and corporeally. Your physical form is in grave danger.

OUTLAW: Now what the hell do you mean, Crystal Ty? It ain’t like I’m getting shot at.

CRYSTAL: I have done more soul searching within the compound’s surveillance network. You are going to die within the next hour unless I can convince you to leave.

OUTLAW: What’s going on? What about Tex? And Bluster?

CRYSTAL: I believe that Tex has already bitten the bullet. We need to leave pronto, as you might say. Your creation, it has a mind of its own?

OUTLAW: You mean the Lionhorse? It ain’t gonna hurt me. I programmed it to be loyal to me. Are you telling me that it killed Tex?

CRYSTAL: I only know what I have observed. You know I hate to interfere with your subjectivity, but you appear to have misjudged your safety and there is no time to argue about it. It is time for you to return to the compound.

OUTLAW: Oh, I broke out of that place for a reason. I can’t go back. Hell, they don’t want me back. I’m an Outlaw.

CRYSTAL: There are few Tys remaining at the compound. Many of the duplicates that wanted you gone are gone themselves. The remaining ones are in enough disarray that they won’t even notice that you are there. As a therapist I’m all for reducing threat and emotional triggering, but I am also for keeping my clients alive.

OUTLAW: I ain’t gonna leave my friends in danger. We gotta do a correction. We gotta tell Bluster. He’s still alive, ain’t he?

CRYSTAL: The longer we stay, the more people and horses we tell, the worse the propagation risk becomes. Bluster cannot know where you are going and he cannot come with us. The other Tys rarely even bother looking past their eyes, instead they only look at what exists within their own perceived materium. They won’t notice you, but they would notice a gigantic horse, even if his psychic signature is similar to that of a person.

OUTLAW: I ain’t about to abandon everything on the flimsy word of some dang hippie. Whatever is going on here can be corrected. I got a calculator. I’ll start fixing it right now.

CRYSTAL: I am not speaking as a hippie. I am speaking as Ty Betteridge. A fellow Ty Betteridge. I am correcting you right here and now because of that ramshackle contraption. There is a reason those devices are not standard issue in the compound. We need to leave.

OUTLAW: You’re… you’re serious?

CRYSTAL: Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.

OUTLAW: I don’t want to go. [Pause.] God damn it.

[Outlaw starts scribbling on paper.]

CRYSTAL: What are you writing?

OUTLAW: I’m writing a note to Bluster. Don’t worry. I ain’t telling him where we’re going. I’m just making sure he don’t think I up and died on him. Look. ‘Dear Bluster, be back soon. Hold down the fort while I’m gone. The outpost is in good hooves with you. Love, Outlaw.’ And a little heart. See? No propagating, no sir.

CRYSTAL: [Sighs.] I suppose that is acceptable. I am organizing the transport now. As someone once said, brace yourself.

OUTLAW: [Sighs.] I’m ready.

CRYSTAL: Returning to the compound in three, two, allons-y.

[We hear the time travel noise, then a beat of silence as we stay in Outlaws’s house. A moment later, we hear approaching hooves as Bluster gallops up. We hear the clatter of pages as he discovers the note and gives a distressed and sad whinny.]

[Heavy static as radio tunes.]

LIEUTENANT [over radio]: Hey y’all. Don’t worry, this ain’t Tex. You ain’t gonna have to worry about him no more. I found this radio in the warehouse, and I know you numbers been put through the wringer by Tex, day in and day out. He done bossed you around for the last time. I’m here to tell you, it ain’t got to be that way. I can help get this low-down one-horse town back on track. But I’m gonna need your help. If you wanna help turn Bluster’s Grove around, meet me at the next poker night. I’m willing to take on as many recruits as signs up. And keep an eye out for Bluster and Outlaw. Consider them wanted men. If you wanna know about the bounty on their heads, come to poker night. I’ll be seeing you.

[Radio tunes out.]

[Closing theme plays.]

CREDITS: [Rapping.] Yo. Hey y’all, this has been WOE.BEGONE. The voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out his podcast, Shadows At The Door, or go to davidault.co.uk for more. Also, he rewrote the Crystal Ty lines so extensively that he basically has a writing credit on this one too. Thanks for playing.

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

DYLAN: So David sent me all of his lines and he was like ‘oh, you’re gonna make so many bloopers out of the Outlaw Ty stuff’ and then I listened to it and it was totally fine and he’s way too in his own head about his cowboy accent, which he pays me ten thousand dollars a month to learn so he better be good at it. Anyway, here’s the only one I clipped.

BLOOPER (OUTLAW): I’m the third best shot in all of Bluster’s Grove, and I can have first and second place here quicker than… [Fumbles the line and mumbles.] I’m the third best shot in all of Bluster’s Grove, and I can have first and second place here quicker- [Fumbles the line; laughs.]

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

[END Episode 215.]