214: The Sea-Goat

SUMMARY

Everyone knows that nothing can stop you when you’re determined to get something done. As long as other people are on your side today, you will be amazed at all the things you can accomplish. But don’t get too excited, Lieutenant, because it’s time to take care of those thankless tasks that no one wants to deal with. You may need other people’s help to get them done.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Karma and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 214.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. I’m still streaming every Sunday over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack and then we hang out and play a video game. I got new strings for my guitar so I’ve been writing guitar songs. You’re gonna hear one of them. And I’ve been playing Donkey Kong Country 2. That game is so easy. Anyway, twitch.tv/woebegonepod.

And if you like to support the show you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone where you can get early access to ad free episodes, instrumental soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, movies with Michael, corkboards, postcards, morkboards, and more boards. I should not do this last.

August postcards, you still got 11 days to sign up and get one. It’s the third anniversary of the postcards and the anniversaries are so cool. Last year we had all the VAs write the cards. So if you’re looking for something like that, that’s the 15 dollar and up tier on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone.

Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons. [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning, this episode contains depictions of violence and death as well as discussions of using animals for their meat. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Radio static plays. When it clears, Mikey is heard breathing hard in a spacious-sounding room. The audio quality is lower than usual.]

MIKEY: Hey guys. Welcome back to The Beast Unleashed. I’m not sure how to put this, but there’s been some drama at the Meat Eagle. The restaurant is partnering with the US Army to launch a new cheeseburger called Lieutenant’s Special. Yeah, Lieutenant’s Special. And I had the displeasure of trying this burger and it made me sick. And right now I’m really sick. I’m bleeding and I’m holed up in this little closet where the cheeseburger can’t find me. And I don’t have any cell phone reception, so I don’t know how I’m gonna get this out to people and I’m just not feeling very good, folks. [Sharp breath in.] And I think that the cheeseburger I ate is gonna come back to bite me, so how’s that for irony, I guess? So I really don’t know what’s gonna happen once the cheeseburger finds me or whatever, and I just wanna tell everyone to be careful and stay vigilant and cause if they can do this to me, then they can do this to you. There’s so much going on in Oldbrush Valley, it’s more than anyone has any idea. It isn’t fun and it isn’t a game. It’s life and death, and if you think that you’re safe, you’re making a really big mistake. I don’t even know everything that’s happened to me. The enormity of this whole thing threatens to swallow up everyone, ironically sort of like me swallowing a cheeseburger. I need someone to find me. To undo as much as you can, because if they have me in their claws, they won’t stop with me. Edgar, I love you, I’ve always loved you, and if this is the last time anyone hears from me, that’s what I want them to fucking know. [Sharp breath in.] Stay strong. Don’t let them get you. If they get you, I’m fucked. Just don’t let them use me as a trap. If I don’t see you now, then I’ll see you in the Pacific Ocean. I lo-

[The feed abruptly ends and gives way to an ad.]

MIKEY: Hey guys, this is Mikey Walters, host of The Beast Unleashed. We talk a lot about serious subjects on The Beast Unleashed, but this dynamically inserted ad is here to brighten the mood. I wanted to take a moment to thank this episode’s sponsor, the Oldbrush Valley Greater Recreational Area Tourist Board. Did you know that there is a beautiful lake just 20 miles outside of Oldbrush Valley? It’s true. And there are lots of stray cats there. Which is why the OBVGRATB, or Obvgratb, is sponsoring adoptions. Take a cat home with you on your next camping trip and have your furry friend’s spay or neuter and their first vet visit completely paid for. This program helps out our local wildlife, makes tourism and camping in the area more pleasant, and the kitties like it too. [Radio static starts.] Isn’t that right, Delilah?

[Delilah meows. The radio feed cuts out.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear the time travel sound, followed by the ambiance of wind, wildlife, and sheep/goats faintly in the far distance.]

STINKY: [Disoriented.] What the hell is this, Leg? Is this where we’re supposed to be? In the middle of the forest?

LEG: This is where I last received a transmission. Do not doubt me, you fool.

MIKE: Weird. I guess there’s a town around here somewhere. I guess if we follow the river we could find it. So Chance, you grab-

[We hear a loud, close gunshot.]

CHANCE: Fuck!

STINKY: What the fuck, Leg, is this a firing range?

LEG: I’ll protect you, Stinky. I will poison our attacker using poison made from your blood.

STINKY: You can’t poison someone who’s shooting at us, Leg, they’re far away.

LEG: If he shoots you, I can make the blood that comes out poison.

STINKY: I have to get shot for my blood to come out poison?

LEG: That’s a risk I am willing to take.

MIKE: Shut up and get down, both of you. He’s coming this way.

[We hear boots in the tall grass as someone searches for them. A shotgun is cocked.]

J: [Clicks tongue.] Here shaduki, shaduki, shaduki. I’m not looking to hurt you. I just wanna show you my badass new shotgun I got. Maybe invite you over for dinner. I got everything prepared except for the main course. So why don’t y’all step out from behind that there tree. Come on y’all, you ain’t getting away. I seen you. I can sit out here all day waiting for y’all to move. Best to just get it over with. [Pause.] Hey. I brought vanilla wafers. I know y’all shaduki love vanilla wafers, right? Here, get you some. [Paper bag crinkles.] You know I reckon I can shoot straight through that dang tree, hit you on the way out. Yeah, that’ll work. But it ain’t clean. Maybe y’all can help me with that. I’m just looking for some dinner before sundown. I’m sure y’all understand.

STINKY: Mike, I think he thinks we’re some sort of animal.

MIKE: Shh.

STINKY: Mike, he’s gonna shoot through the tree cause he doesn’t know we’re people. This is a misunderstanding.

[Leaves crunch as Stinky steps out from their cover.]

MIKE: Stinky, fuck.

STINKY: Hi there, friend. My name is Stinky, and this is my friend Mike, and Chance? [Muttering.] Where did he go? [Returns attention to J.] Uh, there’s just two of us, don’t worry about that. And you know we, we are lost. Our map, we don’t have a map. And so we just ended up in the forest. And we’re not food so don’t kill us. We’re not a whatever you said. And my blood is poison so you wouldn’t wanna even eat me anyway, right?

J: Shaduki are tricksters. They’ve been known to take human form.

STINKY: Okay, well, that’s not what I am and that’s not what I’m doing. And if you eat me, you’ll go to hell. If you care about that. I could use some help here.

MIKE: Hi, I’m Mike. I don’t think I got your name.

J: Folks call me J.

MIKE: Hi J. I’m going to ask you to ignore everything that my friend here said. He’s very nervous. We are people, though, so he is right about that. But you’re an iteration and I’m an iteration, so we can come to an understanding. We’re both Mike Walters, deep down. In fact, you appear to be a Michael iteration. I live with a Michael iteration. Like, maybe the Michael iteration, up in Latvia? That’s not too far from here, is it? I don’t know, Europe is, I get Europe is big, but we can come to an understanding, here, right?

J: You’re with Prime Michael?

MIKE: I mean, maybe? He’s just Michael to me. He could be Prime Michael to you. Have you seen him?

J: The Prime Michael’s in a holding cell awaiting trial. You might have been better off being a shaduke.

STINKY: I don’t understand, he’s in jail? There’s gotta be a big misunderstanding here.

J: Him and a bunch of other interlopers from outside came in to wreck the village during our shaduke festival. We’re trying them for their crimes once it’s over. Prognosis ain’t good for him. And you say you’re with them folk? Cause ain’t no one from the outside allowed in.

MIKE: Well, if Michael is here and you don’t want him anymore, we could take him. I could go back to Latvia with him, you will never hear from us again. Please don’t execute him.

J: I ain’t the one what decides that, pard. Whole village votes on it.

STINKY: Then maybe we can talk to the village. We’ll get out of your hair and we’ll take Michael and you don’t have to kill him. Or hey, not to brag, but we’re from the future. So, maybe we could help you with your little interloper problem and, you know, get the village back on track so it’s villagers only. And we’ll do a whole bunch of corrections and, you know, things will be better than they are now.

J: No sir. You boys are coming with me. I reckon the reward for varmints like you is enough shaduke coins that I could spend the rest of my days in comfortable retirement, not shoveling goat shit all day back at the goat farm. Someone else can run that damn circus. Hell, maybe they’ll put y’all and Michael there instead of killing you. Wouldn’t that be something. Anyway, I’m sure y’all been hostages before. Keep your hands visible or the shotgun talks.

MIKE: Okay, J. We’re coming willingly. No one has to shoot anyone. It sounds like we’re gonna get a trial anyway, so we’ll get a chance to explain this to the rest of your village. Just calm down. Everyone be cool.

J: I’m already calm, pilgrim. March.

STINKY: Alright, alright, we’re marching. No need to stick the gun in my back, jeez. Just on the way there, can you tell me: What the hell is a shaduke?

[The sound of footsteps in tall grass fades out as the scene transitions.]

[Radio static suddenly starts. It’s cut off by Mikey’s transmission.]

MIKEY: Hey, guys. I wanted to start off this episode with an apology. As many of you have heard, my show, The Beast Unleashed, was recently hijacked by malicious actors with the intention of scaring my audience. That wasn’t me, folks. It is dangerous to underestimate technology these days. I probably don’t even have to tell you how simple it is to create a facsimile of someone’s voice these days, especially when the recording purports to be of such low quality as the ones that you heard. Anyone with a spare afternoon and internet access could put together those recordings with basically no effort. Getting them onto the airwaves here at 103.3 KOBV ‘The voice of the valley,’ is a different matter, of course. 103.3 is still looking into how that was possible and who the perpetrators might be. Thankfully, the OBVPD has been so helpful in this regard. I look forward to working with the police to determine who did this and why. I’m not at liberty to say if there are any suspects in the case just yet, but progress is being made. I’m sorry if this breach alarmed you, dear listener, but there is nothing to be afraid of. It appears to have all been a silly prank and the police are working to ensure that it won’t happen again. So, all that is left for me to do is get back to the show. Speaking of, this portion of today’s episode is sponsored by the Meat Eagle-

[Radio static suddenly cuts off Mikey’s transmission.]

[Scene transition. We hear the sound of stepping through tall grass and goats in the background.]

J: Y’all seem mighty used to being tied up.

MIKE: Well, you’re not the first to do it. It happens. Like Michael says, “Sometimes you’re the one doing the hogtying, sometimes you’re the fella what gets tied up.”

J: Well, Michael’s the fella what gets tied up right now. He’s in the bottom of City Hall with the rest of ’em. [Clicking.] Well, well, well. What do we got here, Stink? Is that a calculator? Glad I got you in my sights before you could take off with it. I’ll be taking that of course.

STINKY: I would really prefer if you didn’t, because I’m borrowing it. I’m gonna get in a lot of trouble in the future if you don’t return it.

J: I don’t care if you get in trouble, Stink.

STINKY: It’s Stinky. With a Y.

MIKE: Hey, J. We don’t have to be so combative, you know. Like, that’s a really pretty goat. You just let the goats come in your house like this?

[Goat bleats.]

J: That’s Ruby. She’s an inside goat. Don’t let her get too close to you. She bites.

STINKY: Oh, she decides how close she gets. Our wrists are tied to our ankles.

MIKE: And you raise all these goats for the village, J? Cause they look really well taken care of.

J: Thank you kindly. Yes sir, I am the official goat herder of the Michaels of Orderliness Village. We call it Moo Village for short. I am the chief supplier of meat for the whole place. Ain’t been no shaduke meat to go around, so goat meat’s all we got.

MIKE: That’s great, J. That’s a really important job. And now that you are firmly in control of this situation, I was wondering if maybe we could start talking again. You were talking about outsiders in the village. That’s new, right? There had never been newcomers before? Cause that’s really interesting. Before I ended up here, I was researching this big correction that set us off into this iteration of events. That’s how I ended up finding Stinky in the future. I was following a lead down in Texas of all places and he bailed me out of a tough situation.

STINKY: Yeah, I don’t know how much I’m supposed to tell you, but there was a situation in a previous timeline. There was a device that we weren’t supposed to have and it started causing all of these problems. Like, problems that probably happened here but none of you remember it. People were getting consolidated with different people. Like, not iterations, different people. And then someone stepped in and corrected all of that and got everything back to normal. Except that the other time travel organizations are not happy about it. They aren’t as powerful as they were in the previous iteration of events and they’re trying to claw all that power back. And so we think that that’s why people are coming here to mess with you.

MIKE: Right, which is why I’m so curious about the other outsiders. Are they still here? Where are they? Are they in jail with Michael? Do you know who they are?

J: I dunno, pard. Just heard it through the grapevine. Michael’s here with some other iteration. Apparently they like him. But there’s other folks too.

[We hear buttons clicks as J messes with the calculator.]

STINKY: Please don’t mess with that, there’s settings on it.

J: Say, you folks are mighty valuable, ain’t you? I was just gonna extort A for some shaduke coins, but it sounds like I oughta aim higher. Who’d pay for you, do you reckon? OVER? The Compound? They want you dead or alive? Cause I could do either.

MIKE: Oh, I don’t think that we’re valuable to anyone with money or power, unfortunately. You keep saying A. Is A your leader? Like the letter A? That’s really interesting, cause there’s this iteration in Texas named Tex who has all these iterations working for him and they’ve got numbers instead of names.

J: We know about Tex.

STINKY: Oh, that’s great. We know Tex. Kind of, like, okay. So I know Tex but, because of all the corrections, Tex doesn’t know me, and I don’t think Mike has met Tex, is that right? [MIKE: Not really.] And so, yeah, I know him. And Tex has worked with Base in other iterations of the timeline. So maybe we could work with him and come to an understanding together?

[We hear a knock on the door.]

MIKE: Were you expecting company, J?

J: No, sir. And whoever it is ain’t seeing you and trying to claim the bounty themselves. Get in that closet over there and shut the door. Scoot.

MIKE: Maybe we could talk to them? Maybe just-

J: If y’all make a peep, y’all are getting a belly full of dukeshot. Scoot I said. Scoot.

[Door clicks open, Stinky and Mike are scooted inside.]

STINKY: Please don’t leave the calculator out on the table!

J: Not a peep, I said.

[Closet door shuts, front door opens.]

J: Who the hell are you?

LIEUTENANT: Howdy J. I reckon we ain’t met yet, except at the town hall. I ain’t seen you around the festival much.

J: I was on a shaduke hunt and now I’m here tending to my goats.

LIEUTENANT: What a noble life you lead. A sent me to come introduce myself and run some errands while he’s off attending to business. Getting ready for tonight’s festivities and all. I wish I could do a better job of introducing myself, but I’m afraid I don’t even got a name. Can’t remember if I used to have one, and ain’t no one given me one yet. May I come in?

J: I don’t see why not.

[Lieutenant enters and the front door shuts.]

J: So, what business did A send you here on?

LIEUTENANT: Well, ain’t no one shot a shaduke this year, I’m afraid. So we’re gonna have to improvise a little on tonight’s feast. He sent me to rustle up a couple of your goats. [Small goat bleats.] Hey, this one’s a beaut. What’s her name?

J: That’s Ruby. She bites.

LIEUTENANT: Good for you, Ruby. I do too. Anyway, just swung by to pick up a couple goats. You ain’t gotta do nothing. I can slaughter ’em myself. I don’t got no memories, but I can tell I got the muscle memory, know what I mean? Like riding a bike. Can I take her?

J: No sir. Ruby’s an inside goat. She’s a pet. You gotta get one of ’em from around back.

LIEUTENANT: My mistake. I’m sorry, Ruby. I didn’t understand the situation. It’s just, I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I wanna eat it. [Lightly chuckles.]

[We hear a clatter from the closet.]

LIEUTENANT: What was that?

J: House settling.

LIEUTENANT: Didn’t sound like that to me, pilgrim. Say, you’re sweating something fierce. Did I come at a bad time, J?

J: I’m just tired from the shaduke hunt is all.

LIEUTENANT: [Sniffs.] If I didn’t know no better, I’d think I smelled stowaways. Just a hunch.

J: You ain’t gonna come in my house and give me the third degree, newcomer.

LIEUTENANT: I don’t know if you heard, but there’s been more arrests at the festival this afternoon. Some folks named Charlie, Troy. Ain’t even iterations. Just regular folks. A told me to stay vigilant, in case there’s more out here.

J: You’re barking up the wrong tree, pilgrim.

LIEUTENANT: You’re an easy man to read, J. I can see ’em in your eyes. How many you got? Two? Back there in the closet? It’s written on your face. Maybe that’s why A keeps you out here, alone, tending to your goats.

J: The stowaways are mine, newcomer. I’m collecting the bounty on ’em. And if you got a problem with that, I got a shotgun over there loaded up with dukeshot.

LIEUTENANT: You won’t make it all the way over to that there shotgun alive, pard. Hand them over.

J: You don’t know who you’re-

[A clatter is heard as J scrambles for the gun. A knife is produced and Lieutenant stabs J, who gasps, gurgles, and dies as Lieutenant speaks.]

LIEUTENANT: The whole damn village got too used to being on top of the food chain. You got soft. There ain’t even sport in it.

[Small goat bleat.]

LIEUTENANT: Sorry you had to witness that, Ruby. The good news is, you’re gonna be the guest of honor at the feast tonight. We even got a ride there. Looks like he left his calculator out. Now all that’s left to do is see who’s hiding behind door number one.

[We hear him open the closet door.]

STINKY: Lieutenant.

LIEUTENANT: Howdy there, Stinky. Howdy there, Mike. Looks like J got you all tied up.

MIKE: Stinky, you know him?

STINKY: Yes, of course I do! We all did before the correction, but OI doesn’t exist anymore, he shouldn’t be alive.

LIEUTENANT: I was on vacation. Missed all that. Iterations like you are wanted around these parts, you know.

STINKY: He said Michael’s in jail, how are you just walking around?

LIEUTENANT: I’m the goddamn hero of shaduke village, pard. I got a key to the city.

MIKE: Okay, so are you going to kill us like you killed him?

LIEUTENANT: No, sir. I got plans for you. But first. I’m gonna take this here calculator and catch up with some folks I’ve been meaning to. After that it’s off to jail with you. You can sit there and rot with Michael while I ingratiate myself to the village.

STINKY: Lieutenant, I don’t know how you don’t know this already, but OI doesn’t exist anymore. You’re not gonna find them. If you let us go, then I can talk to Bradford and we can-

LIEUTENANT: [Interrupting.] Don’t you worry about how I’m gonna get the band back together. I ain’t impressed with Bradford, and you ain’t gonna intercede in my plans. So just hang tight, you’ll be behind bars before you know it.

[Time travel noise.]

[96 Degrees plays.]

Riga, she wants to go outside
It’s 96 degrees
But I’m scared I might die
She likes to run me ragged

Riga, she don’t care
about most things
me included
She’d leave me
a puddle of sweat
on the sidewalk

So chase that ball
Go see our friends
They’re mostly your friends anyway
They won’t ask what you’ve done with me

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

AFTER-CREDITS: Thank you Taylor Michaels for unknowingly reprising his role as Chance. I took a clip of him yelling fuck from the episode where Chris goes to Jam’s cabin in Season 10, so here are some more highlights from that take.

BLOOPER (CHANCE): Oh, fuck! Agh, Fuck! Ah, fuck! [Clears throat and laughs.] Mm! Ah, fuck! [Laughs.]

AFTER-CREDITS: I’m tempted to post this to socials when the episode comes out as “Starring Taylor Michaels,” but I’m afraid that that might legitimately scare him.

[END Episode 214.]