It took a lot of sacrifices to get to where we are now. Those sacrifices will not be in vain.
EPISODE 49: The Princess Daffodil Experiment
[Hey guys. Welcome to season 5. I hope you’re as excited as I am. If you’re liking the show so far, please consider supporting it on patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone. That’s where you can get early access to episodes, instrumentals, director’s commentaries, Q&As, cat clips, and more. We recently just started commentary on season 3 of the show, which has been a lot of fun to revisit. There have been a lot of new patrons recently. Here are 15 of them: Brandon Stines, Lilith B, Jon Williams, Terri Nelson, Michael Armes, Manuel Santos, Anne, Kelly Rose, Zombie Adams, Kellaaai, Michael Larsen, NikiTheUnicorn, Jon Grilz, Duke, and Ryan Benk for supporting the show. Special thanks to Rick Platinum for putting us over the $400 goal. Enjoy the show.]
[Warning: This episode contains a depiction of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]
[INTRO THEME PLAYS.]
[There is a crash, followed by some rustling and breathing. Mikey laughs and fumbles with an object.]
Mikey: Huh. It worked. I guess it worked, I mean. I’m here. Uh… [rustling] yeah. Test test, one two. Is anybody out there? [Pause.] Hello? Uhh… Mikey? You there. [There is a protracted pause.] Hello? Mikey? Mikey?
Mike: There is no way that I’m Mikey. I’m not answering to that.
Mikey: You’re the younger one. You’re Mikey.
Mike: You are 2.5 seconds older than me. I am not going to respect your seniority.
Mikey: You’ve got to respect your elders, Mikey boy. I’ve got more life experience than you.
Mike: No you don’t.
Mikey: Of… course I do! Well, I’ve seen how the fuckin’ calculator thing works up close and you haven’t. Did it…? [rustling around]… yeah, it’s here. Phew. Sort of important.
Mike: Well, I’m glad we’re avoiding a Hamster 1 scenario today.
Mikey: To be fair, we don’t know what exactly happened to Hamster 1.
Mike: Hamster 1 is definitely floating in outer space somewhere. We named her Hamster 1 and not Chubbums the Wondergirl for a reason, to not get attached. She’s like our Laika. We learned so much and as a result she is floating through the vastness of space for all of time. That’s what happens when you try to use some mysterious technology taken off of a corpse.
Mikey: Without her sacrifice, Hamster 2 wouldn’t be able to live out both of his lives in peace. You can’t see me, but I saluted her. Support the troops. Rest in peace, Chubbums.
Mike: Yeah, Hamster 2/3 is having a wonderful time covering our base with two identical Hamster’s worth of shit as we speak. It must be said that Hamster 4 is doing her part.
Mikey: Hey! Princess Daffodil is one of the good ones. We sure did jump from Hamsters to people real quick after that, though.
Mike: Well, Anne said it was okay. And if you want to go toe to toe with her, I can patch her in. She’s smarter than both of us.
Mikey: You don’t have to tell me. I’m the Elder Mike in this scenario, Mikey.
Mike: Only until the end of the mission. Allegedly.
Mikey: I’ll believe it when I see it.
Mike: In a few hours, you mean?
Mikey: That’s the plan. Edgar said that we should see what we need to see tonight. So, I won’t have to camp out for a week watching this guy’s house eating… [pause] gluten free granola? Who’s idea was that?
Mike and Mikey: Edgar.
Mikey: I am digging the new van though, it’s nice, though I did wreck everything when I fell in. How do you think Marissa got her hands on all of this stuff?
Mike: You’re talking to yourself, Mikey.
Mikey: [interrupting in background] I’m not Mikey.
Mike: How should I know? We’re never going to find out. Marissa said not to ask questions about where the stuff came from and so we aren’t going to ask questions.
Mikey: Not hard to believe that she knows a guy.
Mike: So, are you ready to get started, Mikey?
Mikey: I’m not Mikey.
Mike: Mikey says “what”?
Mikey: Fuck you.
Mike: Okay, then. Rochambeau for it?
Mikey: [Pause] …You want to kick me in the nuts for it?
Mike: You know what I mean, you tedious asshole. Rock paper scissors.
Mikey: Can we do rock paper scissors over the earpiece? Won’t we just talk over each other?
Mike: Okay. How about boom snap clap snap boom snap clap snap boom. Then either boom, snap, or clap. Boom beats snap. Snap beats clap. Clap beats boom. Should be easier to hear.
Mikey: Boom beats snap. Snap beats clap. Clap beats boom. Right?
Mike: Right. Are you ready?
Mikey: Born ready, Mikey.
Mike and Mikey: [Boom snap clap snap boom snap clap snap boom snap clap snap boom.]
Mikey: [Clap.] Fuck!
Mike: Them’s the breaks, Mikey boy.
Mikey: [Southern accent] Well now, counterpoint. …What if I was Michael?
Mike: Absolutely not. Holy shit, no. I’m gonna hop on Slack real quick. [Typing.] “Hey Marissa, is there anyway to remotely detonate the van in case of an emergency? No reason?” Fuck, she said “yes.”
Mikey: Cain’t say I’m surprised.
Mike: Yeah, keep going. See if I’m joking.
Mikey: [Sighs] Fine, fine. You win. Let’s just get started.
Mike: That’s what I like to hear, Mikey boy.
Mikey: Alright, getting started now. [Typing. Clicking.] Can you see the camera array on your end? Should be 4 of 5 booted?
Mike: Umm… yeah. It’s only the outside, right?
Mikey: Yeah, we waited until I was in the van and we got a good look at the place before we planted the camera inside the house with the Calculator, just to give it another test and get some more experience with it, really. But we’ll be able to do it while he’s in the house because we will be able to see him from the windows with the other 4 cameras. I’ve got a whole set of instructions from Edgar about how to do that.
Mike: Right now might be a good time? Check the east side windows.
Mikey: Uh… let me see. Yeah, sure. Can’t see him through the windows, exactly, but the bathroom window is all fogged up. Looks like he’s taking a shower.
Mike: Great. Do it already then.
Mikey: [Rusting] I’m working on it. How do I this again? I’ve got the camera… Edgar’s file… and put in [pushing button sounds] I love some stupid engineer’s program with buttons of a TI-81… and… Did that do it?
Mike: What do you mean “did that do it”? Shouldn’t the camera be in his house right now?
Mikey: Yeah, it should be, but it’s also still right here.
Mike: So, why didn’t you change it so that there’s only one and it’s in the house?
Mikey: Because, my instructions from Edgar say, and I quote, “I love you but please don’t change the calculator. You will break it.”
Mike: He has a point. Is it [typing] yeah, camera 5. It’s up now.
Mikey: Yeah, I’m seeing it too and it’s… [typing] there. It’s pointed right at it now.
Mike: Yep, got a clear view of the action. Doesn’t this remind you of the old times, peaking over Edgar’s shoulder for the codes?
Mikey: Yeah, it kinda does. Hey, question: Do your instructions say anywhere who this guy is or what’s behind that safe password? I feel like I slept through a meeting.
Mike: Well, I think the one thing that we do know is this is some guy from Edgar’s lost year, so Edgar knows what’s inside. But, scrolling through, no, I don’t see anything. We don’t know who this guy is. Maybe it’s some “need to know” basis stuff?
Mikey: Man, I’m just so over this need-to-know shit. Why are we still doing that? I thought that since we had our own organization and this wasn’t O.V.E.R or the Flinchites or Ryan or CANNONBALL or The Arbiters or WOE.BEGONE that this would be over. Why are we still doing need-to-know?
Mike: It’s for information security, Mikey. You know that.
Mikey: Yes. I know that. And I know that you know that. And I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that. But that doesn’t mean we have to like it.
Mike: No, we don’t like it. But you need to chill out and eat some of that awful granola that you told me about and we’re gonna figure out what we need to do here. So, what does your document say next?
Mikey: Okay, so in addition to the primary objective, we’ve got some secondary objectives. Stuff that pertains to Edgar and Anne and the reverse engineering project. We’re supposed to both keep our eyes on the camera and I’ve got different test items to send to you and a spreadsheet to fill out with results when I send them. Should be pretty easy. The camera was no problem. Also, keep your eye out for a keychain with keys on it. There’s special instructions if we think we can get close-up footage. …Fuck, that’s not fair.
Mike: I know that you’re playing Minesweeper.
Mikey: Well, are you going to rat us out about it?
Mike: No, I just wanna get this fucking done. Can we just do the secondary thing?
Mikey: Fine. I lost anyway. It’s not fair when you get down to the last 2 and you have to guess. It’s fucking stupid. Anyway, let’s just fucking do it. [rustling] Let’s see what we got. Everything is a mess in here but I have these pages, they’re different colors. Let’s do red first. Let’s see here… and the instructions are here and… [pushing buttons.] Did that appear on your desk?
Mike: Umm… no? Is it…? It appeared on the floor behind me.
Mikey: Alright, I’ll put that in. “Appeared on the floor behind him.” Alright, next object. And let’s see. [Pushing buttons.] How about that on–
Mike: FUCK! Fuck, Mikey, you almost fucking killed me. Well, it did land on the table technically, but it almost cut my fucking face off.
Mikey: The machete did? It should’ve been in its sheath.
Mike: Well, it very much wasn’t, thank you very much.
Mikey: Well, as a good friend of mine used to say, “even though you were almost injured, you have provided some very useful data,” which I have entered.
Mike: Yeah, our very good friend Ty Betteridge. How did that work out for him?
Mikey: About as well as you’d expect, honestly. Alright, I’ll tell you what I’m sending this time. We’ve got 2 stacks of 8 quarters [sounds of coins]. Aww, Mike, this one’s got 2 bats on it. We’re not giving this one back to Anne. We’re keeping it. It’s really cute. Two stacks of 8 quarters and the instructions say [pushing buttons]… how about that?
Mike: [Coins crashing.] Well, did it fucking sound like, Mikey?
Mikey: It didn’t sound like neatly stacked quarters. Can you tell if there are 16 of them or not?
Mike: [Coins jangling.] There are 14 of them.
Mikey: Okay, but is the one with the cute bats on it there?
Mike: [Coins jangling.] I don’t see it.
Mikey: Fuck. Okay, I’ll put it in. [Typing.] Next up, is a blue piece of paper–
Mike: Mikey! West side camera, living room, look!
Mikey: [Typing] West side… keys! Hell yeah.
Mike: So, what’s the special instructions?
Mikey: Looks like we’re supposed to put another camera in the house in the room with the keys, but not an identical camera to the one that is in there because it will interfere with the software. Makes sense. And there is a chart depending on the room on what to put in to move the camera. So, it’s on the living room table. Let’s see. Alright. Here’s the camera. And [pushing buttons.] And I guess we’ll see in a second if that did an–
Mike: Mike! Mikey!
Mike: The coins are gone.
Mikey: What do you mean the coins are gone? The quarters?
Mike: Yes, the quarters! They were on the desk in front of me and then you put whatever you put in and then they were gone. And I just watched them through the west side window fall onto the coffee table.
Mikey: And you’re sure these were the same quarters?
Mike: Yes, I’m sure these are the same quarters! Fuck!
Mikey: Look, I put in exactly what Edgar told me to put in, okay?
Mike: Yeah, I’m sure you did. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s in there now looking at those quarter [scoffs] and now he’s picked up his keys. Great work, man.
Mikey: I just did exactly what I was told–
Mike: And you’ve never fucked up doing exactly what you were told before.
Mikey: It’s not like I wasn’t trying! I did the thing. Why would I come out here and not try? What’s the point?
Mike: I don’t know. Maybe you’re on fucking Minesweeper and you’re not paying attention. This is important.
Mikey: I’m not on Minesweeper. I was paying attention. I was doing it.
Mike: This is why you’re Mikey. Because Mikey is always the one that’s the biggest fucking idiot.
Mikey: Fuck you, it was rigged. Boom and clap sound the same. Listen [boom, clap]. How were you supposed to know that I clapped and not boomed?
Mike: Because you admitted it as soon as I said anything, idiot.
Mikey: It’s still not fair. I’m the oldest. That’s how it’s always been done.
Mike: And it’s been stupid every time it’s been done–
Mikey: Wait, look. Look look look! Camera 5, look.
Mike: The subject has entered the room. I repeat: the subject has entered the room. Doesn’t look like he has noticed anything out of the ordinary, though. Do you think he’s going to put in the password?
Mikey: Doesn’t look like it. It looks like he’s checking the safe. It doesn’t look like he’s bending down to open it or anything.
Mike: He probably got spooked from the quarters landing on the table and is checking to see if his prized possession is alright. Way to fuck everything up, Mikey.
Mikey: I didn’t fuck everything up. Look. All he did was look around for a minute, didn’t see the camera, and went back into the living room. We would have seen him look into the camera if he had noticed it. It’s designed to blend in. We didn’t do that part of the planning, Edgar did, so you know that it’s perfect. Everything’s fine. See, he doesn’t even look that spooked. He’s got his feet kicked up, watching TV. He probably thinks he was imagining things and accidentally found $3.50 that he didn’t know he had. We think we hear something and it turns out to be nothing all the time. He’s already forgotten about it. All’s well that ends well.
Mike: [Sighing.] If you say so. Looks like he’s not going to be doing anything interesting for awhile. I can’t even make out what he’s watching on TV. Bummer.
Mikey: Should I try again if he gets his keys back out?
Mike: Hell no. Whatever you tried, you fucked up. We don’t know how to code that thing. Anne barely does. We’d just cause more trouble. It’s a bonus mission, anyway. We have to get the combination to that safe. That’s the primary mission. Edgar would have me sleeping on the couch if we fucked this one up.
Mikey: Would have me sleeping on the couch, you mean. Metaphorically, you mean. I don’t think he’d ever actually make me sleep on the couch.
Mike: And I don’t know what we’re going to do with you. You’re not invited and there’s only one Edgar to go around. Maybe this guy is your type? You should see if he’s interested after the mission. I mean, he sort of is your type, actually. Hairy, lots of muscles…
Mikey: No way. He’s smoking indoors, Mike. That’s a dealbreaker.
Mike: You could learn to adapt.
Mikey: You know that’s a lie. Plus, the Calculator means that excess travelers isn’t a problem anymore.
Mike: If it works. That’s what Anne and Edgar are saying.
Mikey: Well, you saw it with Hamster 4. Princess Daffodil.
Mike: We can’t exactly ask Hamster 4 what happened to her, can we? We can only conjecture based on what we saw. But I do agree that it will solve this particular problem one way or another. There will be one Mike Walters at the end of this. But don’t be surprised if we’re wrong and this just kills you, if we were wrong and there’s a dead Princess Daffodil out there somewhere. I mean, I guess you won’t be surprised if you’re dead. I won’t be surprised. Hell, I’ll be surprised if it works. I don’t know what that’s going to feel like, having 2 experiences of a simultaneous time experienced simultaneously. It’s hard to put into words. I’ve obviously been in 2 places at once before, but it was always first one and then the other from my point of view, not both experiences combined into me at once. I’m sure you understand. Are you scared? My empathy for myself is telling me that you’re scared.
Mikey: Not any more scared of dying than usual, so yeah I’m very afraid. I think the Princess Daffodil experiment worked, though. I think it worked and I think that Anne and Edgar are right about it. I think that it explains a lot of things that we didn’t have explanations for before. And I think their ingenuity will get us out of this.
Mike: Well, except for a 2.5 second interval, there is basically zero difference between you and me, but I am pessimistic about this whole thing and you appear to be optimistic. That’s odd. The other difference is, of course, is that it is your death on the line if something is wrong. So are you really optimistic, or are you just scared?
Mikey and Mike: I/you don’t want to think about it.
Mike: Gotcha. You wanna do some more of those experiments while The Mountain sits there and chainsmokes and watches I Love Lucy or whatever?
Mike: I believe we were on the blue piece of paper.
Mikey: Alright, next one is a Rubik’s cube scambled to… and of course it didn’t come pre-scrambled…D’ U’ B’ R2 F D U’ B’ F2 R’ F2 R’ B F2 D U2 B’ F’ D’ R’ B F’ L’ R2 B’ F2 D U F’ R2.
Mike: Are you sure you got that right, Mikey? Do you know which one is B and which one is B’?
Mikey: You know I do and I am not going to rescramble it to see if I’m right, so let’s just send it already. [Pushing buttons.] And, there is goes.
Mike: [Thud.] Mikey, you’re not fucking with me right?
Mikey: What do you mean “fucking with you”?
Mike: You didn’t pretend to scramble the Rubik’s cube, right?
Mikey: No, ever since I screwed up the coin thing, I’ve been doing everything by the book. Why? What happened?
Mike: It landed on the desk solved. Well, it’s a little more than a half turn from being solved so it’s technically disqualified, but that’s still really impressive.
Mikey: Wait, really? The experimental guide doesn’t tell me what the results are supposed to be so I didn’t know that was going to happen, but I guess I’ll put it in. [Typing] “The Rubik’s cube landed on the desk solved.” Wow, a rare victory for tonight.
Mike: No idea how it managed to solve a Rubik’s cube but couldn’t keep a machete in its sheath. Jeez.
Mikey: Well, get ready for another one because this one needs to be scrambled to: R2 D2 [chuckle] R’ D U2 F’ D’–
Mike: Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! Camera 5! When did he go in there?
Mikey: [Typing furiously.] He’s in there? Fuck, fuck, fuck. When did he go in there? I was busy scrambling Rubik’s cubes. How was I supposed to keep an eye on him? Fuck, he’s putting the numbers in–
Mike: 54556453. That’s what it looked like to me. Is that what it looked like to you?
Mikey: I didn’t catch those first 2. Are we sure that those were all the numbers?
Mike: Those were the only numbers that I saw, so let’s just hope this was an 8 number code.
Mikey: Okay, well the safe is open, can you see? Can you see anything? I can’t see anything?
Mike: No, we’re looking at the same camera. He’s got his body blocking it. God dammit.
Mikey: Now he’s closing it, so I guess we’re not gonna learn what it is. Somebody knows what it is, right? Where is he going?
Mike: [Typing] I can see him in Camera 2.
Mikey: Camera 2. That’s where the front door is. Is he coming out here?
Mike: Mikey, you need to get the fuck out of there right now.
Mikey: But what about the equipment, the stuff, the experiments?
Mike: Leave that shit. Use the Calculator. Get the fuck out of there.
Mikey: What do you mean “use the Calculator”? I don’t know how to use the fucking Calculator. It was supposed to put us back together after I got back to Base with Edgar. I don’t know how to use it. I don’t know how to program that.
Mike: There’s gotta be some sort of emergency instructions, Mikey. Just fucking look for them, okay?
Mikey: [Typing furiously.] You think I haven’t looked for instructions? [Slamming keyboard.]
Mike: Just do something, Mikey.
Mikey: Fuck, fuck. [Pushing buttons.] Fuck, that didn’t even do anything.
Mike: Then try another one.
Mikey: [Terrified.] I don’t know. I fucking know what to try man. [2 muffled gunshots.]
Mike: Mikey? Mikey?
Mikey: Fuck. Did he shoot the locks off the van? No! [Gasping.] [Van door sliding open, loud gunshot, thud against keyboard, Mikey gasping, sounds of rustling in the van.]
Mike: Mikey. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. [Rummaging continues.] Fuck, the Calculator! [Typing.] Fuck, fuck, what do I do? [Pause] Marissa! Shit. [Typing] How do I explode it? How do I explode it? C’mon tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me. [Breathing heavily.] Okay. Okay. [Typing.] Okay. [Deep breath.] [Hitting a key on the keyboard.] [There is a loud explosion and the other side of the line goes quiet.] Ummmmm… Marissa? Edgar? Anne? Anyone? Hello? Fuck. [Sputtering] Is that okay? Did we fuck everything up? Mikey’s fucking dead and I don’t know what happened to the Calculator. He was gonna take it. Is it okay that I exploded it? I didn’t know what to do. Mikey’s dead. Is anyone there? Is it okay that it exploded? We got the code it’s 5… something? Is… that okay? Did we complete the mission? Hello?
[End theme plays.]