SUMMARY:

Where would WOE.BEGONE be without the support of these wonderful and affordable products and services?



TRANSCRIPT:

After the break, season 5 of WOE.BEGONE. But first, a word from our sponsors.

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by Skillsh[cough, clear throat] SkilletShare. For just $30 per month, you can enjoy a part-time ownership of a cast-iron skillet, without any of the hassle of paying full price for a new skillet or having to put it away in your cabinets with the rest of the dishes. Make anything you want! The skillet will be ready to cook the second it arrives at your door in its pre-chilled eco-friendly carbon-ambivalent packaging. Unbox it from its crate it using a simple crowbar, pop the protective membrane, drain the amniotic fluid from inside the membrane, and the skillet is ready to go. I made a large pepperoni pizza in my SkilletShare skillet just last night. Mmmm mmmm tasty! And cleanup is a breeze. Just throw the cast iron SkilletShare skillet in the dishwasher at heavy-duty power for 2 dishwashing cycles and it is good to go. Instead of taking up precious cabinet real estate, you simply tuck the skillet into the pre-prepared return amniotic sac, nail together the crate that the sac is held within, and drive it to the nearest shipping dock, where a forklift will lift it from your vehicle and onto a shipping vessel free of charge. It’s that easy! I love my Skilletshare service and I couldn’t imagine going back to the old way of doing things. SkilletShare is offering a special deal to the first 11 WOE.BEGONE fans who use my referral link and enter code WOEBEGONE at checkout. That’s WOEBEGONE, all one word. I told them that there’s actually a period between WOE and BEGONE and they told me to go fuck myself, that that was too complicated and nobody was ever going to spell the name of my podcast correctly. Use code WOEBEGONE and SkilletShare will waive the hidden fees on the first month of your SkilletShare service. SkilletShare: the only skillet that comes in a sac and you ship it back!

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by Lulu. Say hi, Lulu! [Lulu clip.] Lulu is a cat. She is extremely small. She is not a kitten, though. She is an adult cat, somewhere between the ages of 3 and 4 years old. Her size remains a mystery. [Meow.] One possibility is that we always treat her like a baby, so she has remained the size of a baby through our sheer force of will. If she is always a baby, she will never get old. She will be our baby forever. Civilizations will come and go and Lulu will watch them, her time on this Earth seemingly infinite. Another possibility for why she is so small is that someone has stolen part of her. She used to be a larger cat and somehow someone has nefariously pilfered part of her, rendering her to be forever tiny. I have called the police. I have told them that my cat is tiny and that I suspect that someone has stolen part of her and might strike again. They said that they have started a police report on the case but I don’t believe them. I have called them every day for 2 years.

I eat her screams. [Meow.] She is always screaming and her screams give me life. [Meow.] They are delicious. They flavor the air much as La Croix is flavored with fruit. It is so faint as to almost be imperceptible but if you taste enough screams, you can appreciate them in all of their glory. They give me the energy that I need to make this podcast. Without them, I could not keep up with the show’s hectic schedule. I am proud to announce that you, too, can get sustenance from these screams. WOE.BEGONE patrons at the $5 tier and up have access to “Cat Clips,” the patron-exclusive show that is just cats meowing. Sign up today at patreon.com/woe_begone and search the “Cat Clips” tag to hear for yourself. Lulu: small cat, big screams.

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by Andy’s Shaving Company. The founders of Andy’s Shaving Company, none of whom are named Andy, decided to start their company when they talked to the men that they knew and found that most of them were unhappy with their shaving options. They didn’t want crappy razors with 6 blades or whatever. They wanted well-made products that worked well. That’s why the founders of Andy’s Shaving Company bought an exoplanet on the perimeter of the solar system where shaving cream flows like rivers and razor blades grow on trees. Andy’s Shaving Company’s products are handpicked from nature by… ooof… “employees” is in quotation marks?… by “employees” whose lungs have adapted and whose skin has been permanently hardened by the planet’s atmosphere, allowing them to live on the planet without a spacesuit but meaning that they may never return to earth… The unique molecular blend of the atmosphere is bottled as a “post-shave mist” containing a blend of essential oils and aloe. Their products are paraben free and never tested on animals, unless their human employees count as animals. Andy’s is also committed to charity. A percentage of every sale goes to the families of the lost spacemen who must inhabit the planet until their deaths and… are not paid wages? Guys, we have to do something about these shave planet people. Does the US government know about this? Oh, it says here that it isn’t illegal because it’s in outer space. Great. Use code WOEBEGONE at checkout to get 20% your first purchase of a shaving kit. Andy’s Shaving Company: It isn’t illegal, it’s outer space.

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by the Oldbrush Valley 24 Hour Diner. The diner is owned by this older guy named Latif and I asked him how many free plates of biscuits and gravy I could get if I advertised his diner on the podcast and he said 4 and I said okay. He told me that he was working on a podcast too and I pretended to be interested. Then he said it was going to be him and his friends just hanging and talking about whatever came up, sort of like, and this is a direct quote from Latif himself, sort of like the Joe Rogan Experience, at which point I couldn’t hear what he was saying because of a loud and persistent ringing in my ears. My consciousness blinked out for a moment and when I returned I was seated, with a plate of biscuits and gravy in front of me. I suppose that I didn’t say anything to insult him during the time that was missing from my memory, because when I went to pay, Latif smiled and told me that it was the first of 4 free meals on the house. He asked if I would consider doing a crossover promotion when his podcast started and I said yes because the likelihood of that podcast actually getting started is roughly nil, so if it makes Latif happy, I can pretend to be enthusiastic about his podcast. That’s soooo interesting, Latif. You should have me on sometime.

The Oldbrush Valley 24 Hour Diner makes the best biscuits and gravy in the area. It’s also one of 3 restaurants in the area, so competition is not stiff, but they are very tasty nonetheless. It is frequented by employees of a top secret government facility, so things often have an air of quiet professionalism, which is great if you just want to sit and drink some coffee in peace. As a result of this demographic of patrons, Latif is great at looking the fuck the other way when things happen that he does not need to see. There is no way that Latif hasn’t overheard me talking about killing someone before and if I were to talk to him to his face about it, he would react as though I had dropped the wildest bombshell that he had ever heard. Latif is smart. He knows what sorts of things go on out here. Latif keeps his head down and makes awesome biscuits and gravy. And we love him for it. The gluten-free menu leaves much to be desired.

The Oldbrush Valley 24 Hour Diner is open 24 hours per day. Take the exit to Oldbrush Valley and follow the signs for the diner. If you pass Oldbrush Valley Energy and Resources, you have gone too far and might face legal consequences. Try the biscuits and gravy. Tell them Mike Walters sent you.

Many thanks to the products and services that make WOE.BEGONE possible. But a much more earnest thank you to the patrons that fund the show. If you like what you’ve heard, consider becoming a patron at patreon.com/woe_begone. It helps ensure that all of the ads remain parodies. This has been WOE.BEGONE. Season 5 starts next week. Thanks for playing.

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