[INTERMISSION XXXVI] Skinner’s Untitled Crust Punk Show: The Snake Handler

SUMMARY

Short tails are in this season.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Karma and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Intermission XXXVI.]

[Skinner’s Untitled Crust Punk Show theme plays.]

[We hear a barrage of bullets ringing out. Mission Skinner is taking cover.]

MISSION SKINNER: [Yellling.] Yeah, I get it, you assholes got guns! Why don’t you come a little closer? We can compare models.

[Pause. Gunfire continues.]

MISSION SKINNER: [Muttering to self.] Oh come on, I’m getting bored back here. If I’d known I was gonna be pinned down like this I would’ve brought something to read.

[Mission Skinner fires back a few rounds.]

MISSION SKINNER: Ugh, these fucking idiots. They’re just pissed I got past their security. It’s like a personal affront.

[Time travel noise. Skinner appears and gunfire continues.]

SKINNER: Fucking hell! I forgot how loud this mission was! Jesus, I really should’ve brought hearing protection.

[Skinner crawls across the floor to get closer to Mission Skinner.]

SKINNER: [Trying to shout over gunfire.] Hey… Hey! Hey! Ugh, I’m gonna get a little closer… Hey, buddy! Hey!

MISSION SKINNER: [Yelling over gunfire.] What the—this a correction?

SKINNER: Everything going good?

MISSION SKINNER: What!? I’m sorry, I got earplugs in!

SKINNER: I said, “Is everything good?” Mission okay? You got everything you came with?

MISSION SKINNER: Everything? Wh- What the fuck are you doing here right now?!

SKINNER: I just—you know—wanna make sure you got everything.

MISSION SKINNER: Wh- I… What? I- I haven’t even grabbed the files yet. I’m waiting for the idiots over there to reload or get bored or something so I can stop hiding under this desk and duck into the office over there and gr—wait. Wait! You should know this already—did we get fucking iterated? What the fuck. What is today’s code?

SKINNER: Oh! No, no, no, no, no. I’m just- I’m just a couple weeks from now, that’s all. That’s it. The code is, “Short tails are in this season”.

MISSION SKINNER: Oh. Okay—so—so this is a correction? I- I fucked up the mission somehow? Or… well, I’m about to? Or… or I don’t manage to grab [SKINNER: No, no, no, no, no.] the files? 

SKINNER: Mission goes fine. You pull a Hans Gruber and you shoot out the lights, and then you go in and grab the files under the cover of darkness. And then you skedaddle on out the window before those buffoons back there even have time to realize that it wasn’t their bullets that took out the lights. Honestly, chefs kiss, beautiful work.

MISSION SKINNER: Oh the liiiiights. Yeah, that’s fuckin’ genius. [Pause.] Wait, so you’re not here to issue a correction?

SKINNER:Uh, it’s kinda hard to say, even with the security lights still on it’s pretty fuckin’ dark in here, man.

MISSION SKINNER: Hard- Hard to say? Har- Hard to say what?

SKINNER: I just… wanna make sure that you leave with everything you came with, that’s- that’s all! That’s it.

MISSION SKINNER: Did someone steal the fucking calculator again?!

SKINNER: No, no, no! [Chuckles.] Calm down, kiddo, the calculator is safe and sound. How do you think I got here? 

MISSION SKINNER: Nope, no way. You just said you were a few weeks older than me. You are not calling me kiddo, asshat. And if we manage to retrieve the files and we haven’t lost the calculator and you aren’t [Skinner starts unzipping their bag.] even correcting the mission, what the fuck are you doing here? [Gunfire gets a little louder.] Shit, I think they’re getting closer. God fucking damn it.

SKINNER: Hold on, hold on. l brought a flashlight.

MISSION SKINNER: A flash— [Flashlight clicks on.] Oh, ow! Fuck!

SKINNER: I just wanna check that you still have everything you came with. 

MISSION SKINNER: Are you fucking with me right now? Get that out of my fucking face—

SKINNER: [Flashlight clicks off.] …Ah, fuck. Yeah, looks like you have everything. God damn it. 

MISSION SKINNER: I’m sorry, we are actively under fire and you’re acting like dad doing a kippah check before shul. What the actual fuck, man?

SKINNER: [Groans. Talking to themselves.] It was worth a shot I guess. [To Mission Skinner.] Looks like everything is good here, so I’m gonna get outta your hair—

MISSION SKINNER: Oh, fuck no, get back here you fucking— [Gunshot hits them. They yell out and groan in pain.] [SKINNER: Ah, shit.] Fuck!

SKINNER: Buddy, I’m sorry, that looks like it smarts. 

MISSION SKINNER: [Groans.] Yeah, it fucking smarts, man. My fucking arm was just filled with fucking lead. Jesus Christ.

SKINNER: [Over Mission Skinner groaning.] Okay, well, uh- uh- Don’t worry, I’m headed right back to my correction point to stop myself from even coming back in the first place, so this will have never happened and then- and then it’s just straight back to my place in line. So, uh, hang- hang in there a second, pal! [Laughs nervously.] You’re doin’ great.

MISSION SKINNER: [Through gritted teeth.] Well hurry the fuck up before you get us both killed you mangy piece of shi— 

[Time travel noise.]

[Skinner grunts as they land. There’s a pause. The ambiance is quiet with a muffled storm in the distance.]

SKINNER: [Sighs. Quiet.] Fuck. [Pause.] Fuck me. [Quietly under breath, slowly getting louder.] Fuck… Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Where the fuck is it? Where the fuck is it? Where the FUCK is it?! God fucking damn it!

[Skinner takes a few more deep breaths, collecting themselves.]

SKINNER: [Calmer.] Okay. Okay. Okay. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s- it’s gonna be… fine. [Pause.] It’s gonna be fine. [Takes a slow, shaky breath.] I will make it fine. [Slaps their own face.] Okay… okay. [Clears throat.]

[Skinner walks down the hallway and knocks on their door.]

PAST SKINNER: [Yells out in surprise.] Fucking hell, jeez!

SKINNER: Hey— Yeah, it’s just me. It’s just me—uh… us? You? Whatever. Uh, it wasn’t that mission either, so… cross that one off your list and abort the correction.  

PAST SKINNER: Aw… Damn. I was so sure that was the mission when we lost it. I- [Sighs.] Fuck, it- I mean, there’s the timing and everything. I… I- I figured it had to be-

SKINNER: [Upbeat.] Yeah, I know. But it’s alright, we got a couple other missions on our list to check, so–

PAST SKINNER: I know, I know. I just… I really thought it was this one, you know?

SKINNER: Aw, come on, buck up buttercup, we’re gonna figure this out. 

PAST SKINNER: Okay, can ya can it with the fake positivity already? You- You’re like, what? Five minutes older than me, if that? I know exactly how much we were hoping that this was the one, okay? So don’t stand there and pretend like you aren’t fucking spiraling about this. 

SKINNER: Hey, I’m just trying to keep us focused so we don’t–

PAST SKINNER: No, you just don’t want to sit with the fact that we’ve checked 15 fucking missions so far and we didn’t find it at any of them. 

SKINNER: Hey, come on, you make it sound like that’s a bad thing. That’s us being on top of our game. Fifteen missions straight? [Scoffs.] Not just that, those missions were all a success. I mean, given the nature of the work thats’s pretty fucking impressive if I do say so myself. I think we do deserve a pat on the back.

PAST SKINNER: A pat on the- It is a bad thing. It means that we still don’t know where the fuck it went or how we even lost it. We don’t even know where in time we lost it.

SKINNER: I mean… Okay, sure, but look at all those times we’ve remembered everything we were supposed to remember, bagged what we were supposed to bag, and made it out without a scratch. That’s not just success, that’s fucking winning, man.

PAST SKINNER: Oh, get over ourselves. This is not a time for a fuckin’ ticker tape parade, man.

SKINNER: I’m just saying, look at the positive. All in all we’ve been crushing it—

PAST SKINNER: Would you SHUT UP already? Fucking hell, we really just can’t sit with the fact that we royally fucked up for even  a second, can we?

SKINNER: You’re such a fucking dramatic piece of shit, you know that? Why is it whenever I have to issue a correction on myself I feel like a fucking snake handler? We fucked up one time—

PAST SKINNER: One- [Scoffs.] Robert is barely speaking to us right now. 

SKINNER: Whoa! That’s just not fucking true!

PAST SKINNER: And I bet the next time we go to visit Helen she’ll probably slam the door in our face after we dredged up her time at OI. God… The look on her face when she talked about it–

SKINNER: Hey, she was fine when we left her office. We’re- We’re good. And she wouldn’t–

PAST SKINNER: And Magnolia basically thinks we wanna murder them. Or they think we’re a creep for the whole [makes a whining noise] hidden security camera thing.

SKINNER: Okay, first of all, it was an empty room when I installed those—when- when WE installed those motherfucker! [Groans.] And they were monitoring the door and the windows because an empty room is a great place for a spy to transport into—why- why am I defending myself to you? You know this. You know ALL of this.

PAST SKINNER: Because you and I both know it was still shitty to put them in there without telling anyone and we did it anyway.

SKINNER: We didn’t know if we could trust them! Any of them!

PAST SKINNER: And we still don’t, you idiot. [Scoffs.] For all we know, our shit went missing because Mags stole it to mess with us. 

SKINNER: Okay now who’s the fucking idiot? Mags wouldn’t do that. 

PAST SKINNER: Oh, what? You think cause we had a little heart to heart and she was nice to us that one time that we’re buddies now? Listen to yourself. This is fucking embarassing.There’s a thousand of them, champ. Think about that. Really think about that. [Pause.] And not only that but they seem organized. We know what that means. 

SKINNER: They’re aren’t Mags. Those- Those other iterations, they’re not Mags. 

PAST SKINNER: No, they’re not. But they got the same source. And it tells you something about them. 

SKINNER: This is bullshit. This- This- This is bullshit! Those are our people. They risked everything to get us back from OI. We don’t know Mag’s deal but [Scoffs.] how is that different from anyone else in the house? 

PAST SKINNER: And there it is. The thing that’s really eating at you. 

SKINNER: The fuck is that supposed to mean?

PAST SKINNER: [Short laugh.] Robert, dumbass.

SKINNER: Don’t…fucking…start. 

PAST SKINNER: Oh, come on. We don’t know his deal. 

SKINNER: Uh, sure we do. He’s an accountant. 

PAST SKINNER: Uh huh. An accountant who doesn’t want anyone looking too closely at him. Red flags much?

SKINNER: Please, he’s more likely to be a Robin Hood than an Anna Sorokin. 

PAST SKINNER: Oh, is he?

SKINNER: Hey, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

PAST SKINNER: Oh, come on, don’t play dumb. It’s not particularly convincing on us. Nevermind that I’m you, you jackass. I know you’ve thought about this, it’s in our shared past. 

SKINNER: Whatever, I don’t know what you’re even talking–

PAST SKINNER: Sure you do. 

[Pause.]

SKINNER: You know what? I’m done. Correction complete. Start prepping so that we can check the next mission on our list.

PAST SKINNER: Heh. Some professional you are. Can’t even entertain the idea that Robert might actually be here to spy on you. 

SKINNER: [Low voice.] Fuck off. 

PAST SKINNER: He shows up here with plans to stay here a few weeks and then when we arrive–

SKINNER: Do not finish that thought.

PAST SKINNER: [Slight chuckle.] Oh come on. You said it yourself. Everyone in this fucking house is hiding shit. Is it really so unbelievable to think–

SKINNER: Hey, smart ass, you realize that I have your exact coordinates already logged in this calculator, and that you do not have mine.

PAST SKINNER: The fuck is that supposed to mean?

SKINNER: Exactly what I said. 

PAST SKINNER: Are you—are you threatening me?

SKINNER: I’m reminding you that you shouldn’t be shooting your mouth off to an older iteration. 

PAST SKINNER: Wh- [Huffs.] You- We aren’t even iterations of each other, not really, you’re just me five minutes in the future. [Chuckles.] The second you go back to your place in line all of my experiences become yours too. We’re not disconnect!

SKINNER: I could change that. I could always make an iteration the old fashioned way. I mean, fuck calculator macros automating the iterative process for us. Let’s do it the fun way. Killing you would work just as well and be way more satisfying.

PAST SKINNER: And risk erasing yourself from existence? You wouldn’t—

SKINNER: Oh, come on, don’t play dumb now. We both know that all “making an iteration” is, is issuing a correction. You travel back in time to a few milliseconds before you pressed the button on the calculator and then… the you who didn’t travel through time just yet, never presses the button. And badabing badaboom, you’ve just disconnected the you who did travel back in time from the initiating transport event cause now that transport event never even happened. And yet here I stand. You know what else would stop you from pressing the button? Transporting you into a fucking acid bath, you little doomsday piece of shit. 

PAST SKINNER: You don’t know for sure that killing me wouldn’t just kill you too. 

SKINNER: Eh. We’ve seen it work before.

PAST SKINNER: We think we’ve seen it work before. [Scoffs.] The problem with recon work is it’s all observation. It’s not like anyone sat us down afterwards and explained exactly what we saw. We had to draw our own conclusions. We- We could be wrong about how it works and you killing me would just kill you too. 

SKINNER: Wanna find out?

[Pause.]

PAST SKINNER: I… [Shaky breath. Quiet.] Look, I’m sorry, okay? 

[Pause.]

SKINNER: Whatever, man. Just try to pull your head out of your ass. We don’t need your defeatist bullshit.

[Pause.]

PAST SKINNER: Whatever.

[Pause.]

SKINNER: Welp, I think my job is done. Don’t do the correction! We still got a bunch of shit to do. [Presses calculator buttons.] See ya on the flip side champ.

[Time travel noise.]

PAST SKINNER: [Quietly.] …What a fucking snake.

[BEGIN Intermission XXXVI.]