207: The Twins

SUMMARY

Corrections are a messy, messy business.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 207.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. The new Blusteer album half earth is available on Bandcamp now as a free download. Blusteer is a project that I started when I put out the last I Have Been To The Future album. You might remember an announcement for that album that had a whole lot of fake songs in it; that’s what this is. In honor of the upcoming I Have Been To The Future Volume 3 (out soon), I have put together another album and put it up for free on Bandcamp. The album is 12 jokey, fun little songs about WOE.BEGONE and also some songs from the perspective of characters in WOE.BEGONE. So if you wanna have a good laugh, check that out, that’s blusteer.bandcamp.com (B-L-U-S-T-E-E-R.bandcamp.com).

As far as my usual quick plugs, you know the drill: twitch.tv/woebegonepod, that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we play a video game. And if you want to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, corkboards, and Morkboards. For the five-dollar tier, that includes Bandcamp album codes for I Have Been To The Future 3 when it comes out. Again, that is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains violence that is—say the line, Bart—wet and visceral. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear a radio turn on and tune in to Flash’s radio show.]

FLASH: Welcome back to Flashpoint! here on 103.3 KOBV, the Voice of the Valley. I have a bombshell of an interview for you today. I am sitting down with an anonymous O.V.E.R. whistleblower to discuss recent “renovation projects” that have been going on at O.V.E.R. We have discussed these “renovations” on Flashpoint! as well as on The Beast Unleashed, but so far all we’ve been able to do is speculate. I am joined today by someone who claims to have firsthand knowledge of this project and the sinister reasons behind what is going on at O.V.E.R. For our safety and for his, his voice will be anonymized. He asked that I call him “Gemini.” Thank you for joining us this afternoon, Gemini.

[Eagle’s voice is pitch-shifted and distorted to protect his anonymity.]

EAGLE: Thank you for having me. I’m a big fan.

FLASH: [Brief chuckle.] That’s great. In our email correspondence leading up to this interview, you claimed to know why O.V.E.R. was beginning their new construction project. They appear to be building something in there. Their PR department claims that it is [Mocking voice.] “routine construction and maintenance for upkeep and beautification.” [Normal voice.] Have you seen anything that contradicts this claim?

EAGLE: Absolutely, I have. O.V.E.R. is a utilitarian organization. They do not do “beautification projects.” The cafeteria is the same ugly concrete building that it was 50 years ago. This new construction is clearly for operational purposes. This is an enormous structural reorganization of O.V.E.R.

FLASH: Interesting… Do you know why they’re restructuring? Why are they going through all of this effort?

EAGLE: As you and your listeners probably know, O.V.E.R. is currently organized into three “tiers” of increasing security, with Tier One being the most lax and Tier Three being top secret. These tiers are organized in circular bands across the O.V.E.R. campus, with the most heavily-guarded resources in the dead center. At least, that’s how it was. The innermost core of Tier Three is currently being repurposed into an even higher-security location. “Tier Four,” if you will. It is even more strictly guarded and difficult to enter.

FLASH: Reports about the nature of Tier Three make it seem like the tightest security imaginable. What is in Tier Four that could require even more security?

EAGLE: Well, everybody saw what jumpstarted the creation of Tier Four. Listeners of your show will remember that an unidentified object was spotted flying over the valley about a month ago.

FLASH: Yes! We covered it here extensively at 103.3. O.V.E.R.’s official statement said that the object had absolutely nothing to do with them.

EAGLE: The sightings got little coverage in the media outside of this radio station. And, of course, any speculation on what actually happened was written off as a conspiracy theory. As someone who actually has an O.V.E.R. security clearance, I can tell you that they were definitely involved. The “construction projects” sprung up overnight, the day after the object was spotted flying overhead. A loud noise was reported by the security personnel that live on the O.V.E.R. campus. The object made its way into O.V.E.R., and it either crashed inside or landed.

FLASH: Mm, it is interesting that you say “landed.” Many callers suggested that it was an alien spacecraft that landed inside of O.V.E.R.? Critics, though, would argue that aliens [Brief chuckle.] landing at a government facility is a preposterous idea out of a Rafael Muslani novel.

EAGLE: Yes, I believe that is the plot of the Muslani novel Terra Plug-in. I don’t believe in aliens, personally. What is actually going on is even more sinister. It’s not a spacecraft, it’s an aircraft. Most people don’t know that O.V.E.R. is not the only organization who is running these sorts of intelligence operations. Another organization like O.V.E.R. was likely flying a spycraft through O.V.E.R. in order to gather intel. The craft either crashed or O.V.E.R. was successfully able to make it forcefully land inside. As a result, O.V.E.R. has discovered new intel and materials that it was not previously aware of. And if O.V.E.R. had no idea about it, then that means it’s no joke. To say that the technology inside of Tier Three is “powerful” is an understatement.

FLASH: Ok– Okay. Just to summarize: you think that a rival organization was conducting a recon mission that was intercepted by O.V.E.R. And the content of the spycraft they recovered was so important that they needed to construct an extra layer of security just to protect it. Is that correct? What kind of “intel” and “material” are we talkin’ here?

EAGLE: I was vague because the possibilities are endless. These organizations operate at such a high level that they’re limited only by their imagination. O.V.E.R. claims to only be interested in “defense,” but we know they’re doin’ so much more than that. Defense, offense, medical applications, farm and agriculture, animal gigantism, space-folding transportation, undetectable surveillance, you name it. Their enormous resource pool allows them to use their power in any way they can imagine. From the outside, it looks like magic.

FLASH: I-I noticed that you mentioned “animal gigantism.” Bluster the Gigantic Horse has been making waves online with a series of viral videos. There has been speculation regarding how he got to be so big, with some people turning to paranormal explanations. Some people even have suggested that O.V.E.R. was involved. Do you think that O.V.E.R.’s experimentation is related to how Bluster got so big? Do you think he is related to the formation of Tier Four?

EAGLE: I don’t wanna comment on any particular horse, but the creation of giant horses is definitely within O.V.E.R.’s wheelhouse. Considering the experiment that they have been conducting on the malleability of solid objects, creating a giant horse would be a trivial feat for them.

FLASH: That is interesting. Someone should ask Bluster about it. He is responsive to the comments left under his videos. Just sayin’. But it’s not just animal gigantism that’s being studied at O.V.E.R. What else should our listeners know about this sudden reorganization of O.V.E.R.?

EAGLE: I don’t think that O.V.E.R. had any choice but to reorganize around this new technology. It happened suddenly, and there was no time between planning and implementation. The project started as soon as the unidentified object landed. It’s so difficult to be certain because nobody’s been allowed near the borders of Tier Four, but it doesn’t appear to be in the exact middle of Tier Three. I don’t think they chose the location of Tier Four. I think that they had to build it where the craft landed because they’re unable to move the craft. O.V.E.R. can usually move anything that they want anywhere that they want, so my theory is that it is literally impossible to move this object. I think that is the quality of the object that they are most interested in. Immovability is a powerful tool. I’m sure that O.V.E.R. would like to harness that for themselves. They could have used a power like that to prevent the destruction of Building 357A and the theft of whatever was inside of it a few years ago.

FLASH: Yeah. I could see that being extremely powerful in the world of surveillance or even weaponry. …Well, that is all the time we have for today. Thank you again for speaking with us, Gemini. Your insights were eye-opening. I don’t think I’ll ever look at O.V.E.R. the same way again.

EAGLE: Thanks for having me, Flash.

FLASH: Any time. And, speaking of time, that is all the time we have for today on Flashpoint! Thanks so much for listening. We’re going to take a quick break. When we come back, it’s time for The Beast Unleashed with Mikey “The Beast” Walters. I’ve been Flash, and you’ve been a wonderful audience. I’ll be back tomorrow, same time, [Clicks tongue.] same place. Remember to keep your eyes peeled and stay vigilant out there. [Radio static.] Thanks for listening.

[Radio tunes out of 103.3 KOBV.]

[a horse that big plays.]

how is the horse so big?
what is he doing to the horse?

where do you keep a horse that big?
there isn’t room of the earth for him
i have seen bluster’s from
THE MOON
and you can see it too
turn the globe around
and let the horses out

Bluster is from the moon
he’ll take us there
he’s from the moon
he knows the way
he’s from the moon
that’s why he’s huge
he’s from the moon

(where do you keep a horse that big?)

[Radio turns off.]

[Scene transition.]

[Eagle whistles absentmindedly while walking down the hallway at 103.3 KOBV. After a moment, he stops.]

EAGLE [jovially]: Hey there, buddy! You’re Mikey, right? Mikey Walters?

MIKEY: Y-Yeah, tha– t-tha– that’s me. Uh, t-the Beast. Have– Have we met before? You look kinda familiar, but I don’t think I know your name.

EAGLE: Oh, sorry about that. I’m Eagle. I’m one of Julien’s guys. I just did an interview for Flashpoint!

MIKEY: Oh, you’re “Gemini”! Nice to meet you. Yeah, I-I guess I’m one of Julien’s guys, too. I-It pays the bills. I-I heard your interview just now with Flash! You did great. The conspiracy nuts will be gnawing on that for a long time. …I-I’m Mikey. Uh. They call me “The Beast” around here.

EAGLE: I know what they call you. I’ve heard your show before. Big fan.

MIKEY: Yeah, you’ll have to come on sometime. I like your angle. It’s kinda grounded? A little bit of limited hangout here and there. I’m surprised you mentioned Tier Four. I thought they really wanted to keep a lid on that. So, uh– Eagle… do you know what’s actually going on in there?

EAGLE: Bold of you to assume that I wasn’t lying about the existence of Tier Four as well.

MIKEY: C’mon, Eagle. You can bullshit Flash, but you can’t bullshit the Beast. We’re disinformation twins, right? I know about Tier Four. I’ve seen stuff I shouldn’t have. There’s definitely a Tier Four in there. What I don’t know is what they’re up to this time.

EAGLE: Hmm… I’ll tell ya what. I’m gonna grab dinner at the 24-Hour Diner in a couple of hours. I know you’re about to go host The Beast Unleashed, but after that you should swing by. We’ll have a chat about Tier Four. It’s not safe here. Too many eavesdroppers.

MIKEY: U-Uh… yeah. I-I can– I can do the dinner. Uh– You’re right, that’s way safer than here. Though I will say that most people here can’t tell the difference between the truth and the plot of Terra Plugged-in. [Chuckles.] Uh, but, uh– Two hours, you said?

EAGLE: Yup. See ya at the diner, Mikey.

[Scene transition.]

[We hear the sounds of the Oldbrush Valley 24-Hour Diner.]

MIKEY: Alright, our order has been placed. I guess they’re not taking orders at the table anymore? I-I d– I don’t think I like that. That– That feels like fast food. O-Oh, my god, is Latif selling out?

EAGLE: Oh, it isn’t that. Britches isn’t very fond of me. Don’t be surprised if they don’t come over here at all while we are eating.

MIKEY: Oh, weird. Britches gets along with almost everyone. Uh– But that explains why they… acted all cold. I thought they were mad at me. Why don’t they like you?

EAGLE: That is between Britches and myself. They do make a mean Charlie Special, though.

MIKEY: Yeah, I hadn’t heard of that. You mean Charlie like my Charlie? Like, she has a special on the menu? I-I guess I didn’t notice ’cause I always get biscuits and gravy. Uh– What is the Charlie Special?

EAGLE: It’s a burger and fries with jalapeños, jalapeño mayo, and jalapeño sauce on the side.

MIKEY: I have indigestion from that description… Wait, you know who we’re talking about. How do you know Charlie?

EAGLE: I have to know Charlie. She works in Tier Three.

MIKEY: Right. Wait, Eagle, do you work inside of Tier Three?

EAGLE: I work wherever I’m sent. You didn’t come here to ask about my job description, though. You came here because you wanted to learn more about what’s goin’ on inside Tier Four.

MIKEY: Yeah, uh– Tier Four was a surprise to me. It has to be recent, right? Because until maybe a week ago, I was sure that there were three tiers. I had never heard about Tier Four or anyone working there. I only found out about it by accident while I was working on… a project…

EAGLE: Oh, it’s new alright. But it is permanent. …Mikey. What do you know about the concept of True Permanence?

MIKEY: I know that it’s not in the O.V.E.R. handbook. …Is it? Uh, I haven’t read it, I’m not ready for a pop quiz, but– No, I don’t know what that is. And I did do all of the training, and I took that stupid online quiz that graded me wrong because I misspelled the word “button.” How was I supposed to know there’s two t’s in that thing? Anyway, I can’t remember a damn thing about the training as soon as I leave the room, which I am starting to suspect is actually part of the training. Like they’re wiping our memories or something every time we finish, but then why train us? Unless they’re doing a subconscious thing, and we’re activate–

EAGLE: This was not in the training, Mikey. It is an anti-corrective measure. I assume that you are familiar with the idea of “correction.” But in order to understand True Permanence, you need to know how corrections work.

MIKEY: Well, I know what a correction is. I don’t know if I would say I know how they work…

EAGLE: There is only one timeline. That’s the important part. We are in the only timeline in existence. There is no multiverse. This isn’t The Avengers. Corrections do not cause us to hop between timelines. This is the only one. When O.V.E.R. makes corrections, they are making changes to the one timeline. As a result, everything downstream of that correction changes, hopefully in the way they intended. That is the point of a correction: to shape the flow of the timeline. You can think of it like a river.

MIKEY: “Hopefully in the way they intended” is right. Because I know for a fact that it doesn’t work perfectly every time. I– It might not ever work perfectly, because I’ve seen tons of evidence of corrections. People remember stuff that never happened. There are people around who are not accounted for. Y-You know, s-stuff like that. If the correction were perfect, there wouldn’t be any way to tell that it ever happened. In fact, I have reason to believe that a big correction happened recently… though I don’t know how things used to be.

EAGLE: You are exactly right, Mikey! Corrections are a messy, messy business. Let’s go back to the river metaphor. Rivers, like our timeline, are not static. They’re made of trillions of moving parts. Through erosion, a river channel forms that the water flows down, but the channel isn’t permanent. As time goes on, the river will take the path of least resistance. Sometimes the path of least resistance is not the channel that it has cut for itself. Sometimes there’s a shortcut. If it rains and the river floods, it might take this shortcut, and the shape of the river will change. That means that there is a bend in the river that is now cut off from the river itself. Have you ever heard of an oxbow lake?

MIKEY: Yeah, I think so! Aren’t those the– the curvy lakes that are, uh– …Oh, you just explained it. They used to be part of the river.

EAGLE: The water from the oxbow lake doesn’t flow into the river anymore. That’s what True Permanence is. It’s the oxbow lake in the river of time.

MIKEY: So, i-it’s something that’s cut off from… time? I-I’m– I’m not sure I get it.

EAGLE: Timeline is unstable because so many different people are correcting it. Truly Permanent events are more stable than the timeline itself. The river might change, but they don’t. They’re going to happen whether or not the factors that caused them to happen in the first place exist to cause them. They’re outside of causality.

MIKEY: Okay, that… doesn’t sound possible, because cause and effect is a law of the universe.

EAGLE: They were still caused by something, but that cause doesn’t exist anymore. And the Truly Permanent events exist anyway, even if the cause never happened. They are above any instability that the timeline might go through. That is what makes True Permanence so valuable.

MIKEY: Eagle, I’m gonna level with you. I’m what they call a script kiddie. I don’t know anything about how time travel works. I-I find other people who do, and then I push the same buttons as them. It’s not a perfect system, but it has worked so far. So I don’t “get it.” But I-I– I’m trying to understand. O.V.E.R. has come into this technology that creates “True Permanence,” which is the oxbow lake of time. So, what’s the point? What do they want?

EAGLE: If you have a Truly Permanent event, then it will happen whether or not there is a cause. With no cause, nobody within the timeline can do anything to stop it. Stopping it would require identifying the cause and interfering with it, which would be impossible to do. True Permanence is the ultimate guarantee that something is going to happen.

MIKEY: Gotcha… So, what does O.V.E.R. want to guarantee?

EAGLE: They can make anything on their agenda an inevitability. Knowing them, they’ll start by destroying rival organizations. They don’t want anyone else to have True Permanence, and the easiest way to go about that is to make sure that those organizations permanently never exist. We’re part of Julien’s distraction campaign. We get on the radio and talk about aliens and how “the Earth is the back of the Moon” while they get True Permanence fully operational, at which point they’ll destroy their enemies and become completely unkillable.

MIKEY: I-If you look at the evidence, there isn’t no evidence that the Earth is the back of the Moon. But– But I-I get it. What I’m wondering now, I guess, is, um… Is O.V.E.R. becoming unkillable a good thing or a bad thing?

EAGLE: That depends on your relationship to O.V.E.R. Do you think that O.V.E.R. is going to tolerate you and your little friends running around and doing time travel club on their dime, with their resources, and at their expense? You think they’re going to kill all their enemies and let you still play around with the technology?

MIKEY: What do you know about my time travel club, Eagle?

EAGLE: I know more than you want me to know. My question stands. Do you think they’re going to put up with you sneaking around inside of Tier Two forever? Or do you think they’re going to get tired of your little time travel games and hire someone like me to take you out when that becomes the more convenient option?

MIKEY: I-I-Is– Is that what– I-Is that what this is? [Eagle chuckles.] I-Is that what you’re doing right now?

EAGLE: [Chuckles.] Relax, Mikey. That’s part of my job description. And I’m good at my job. If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead before you even knew it. Don’t worry. I’ll make it painless for you when the time comes.

MIKEY: You… are an unsettling guy, Eagle. You know that?

EAGLE: I’ve been told that I’m warm and cuddly. You and your friends are safe from O.V.E.R. for the time being. And since you’re still alive, I have a proposition for you and your Base. A win-win situation.

MIKEY: And what is this situation?

EAGLE: You know about Edgar, I assume. Even in this timeline, you know that he only has a few years left to live. There’s nothing Michael can do about it, and he tried everything under the sun. That’s how corrections are. They don’t usually go perfectly to plan. Michael tried and failed for about a hundred years, and then he gave up and came here. You know the whole sad story, don’tcha?

MIKEY: Uh-huh… I-Is that why Michael couldn’t save Edgar? Because of True Permanence?

EAGLE: [Laughs.] Nah, nah, nah. Far from it. Kind of the opposite, really. Edgar’s death is avoidable. Michael simply failed to figure it out. In his defense, there is only one organization that has the tools and the drive to get it done. They have actually saved Edgar in other iterations of the timeline, iterations that have long since been corrected away. I should know, I worked for that organization. But, as of right now, that organization never existed. And, if O.V.E.R. gets their way with True Permanence, that organization will never exist again.

MIKEY: So that’s the offer. You want me and Base to help you; we stop O.V.E.R. from developing True Permanence; and, in return, you’re going to ensure that Edgar doesn’t die.

EAGLE: You would be getting more than that, Mikey. In order to stop O.V.E.R., Base will have to be equipped with the latest time travel technology. I will transform you into a fully-formed organization that can compete with all of the others, just like you’re supposed to be. I’ll provide the Calculators and call all the shots. It will be a breeze, trust me.

MIKEY: Uh-huh, and I’m supposed to get excited about Calculators and gloss over the part where you said that you would be running the show?

EAGLE: I’m a good boss, damnit! I always bring donuts for everyone, every morning. And it’s always the good donuts! I memorize everyone’s favorites, and I never forget!

MIKEY: I will consider your offer, Eagle. But I do need to talk it over with Base.

EAGLE: Of course! Take as much time as you think you can afford. But remember that the clock is ticking. Once O.V.E.R. develops True Permanence, it’ll be too late to stop them. [Pause.] Just a second…

[We hear an unusual time travel blip.]

MIKEY: Uh– What was that? Did you… feel something just now?

EAGLE: Huh? No. I didn’t feel anything. Must be a draft in here. I think that’s all that I wanted to talk about. Thanks for meetin’ with me, Mikey. I’m sure that Base will be receptive to the idea of becoming a real time travel organization and that we’ll have a wonderful working relationship. Go take the temperature there and get back to me. Hell, heh, I’ll even pay for the biscuits and gravy.

MIKEY: Oh, uh, okay. U-Uh– Thanks, Eagle. I’ll go talk to Base, uh– right now, actually, and I’ll let you know what we decide.

EAGLE: Wonderful. Bye, Mikey. Stay vigilant out there.

MIKEY: [Gets up.] Yeah, you too. Bye, Eagle.

[We hear footsteps and a door chime as Mikey leaves the diner. Eagle dials a phone number. Eagle 2 answers while sharpening a knife.]

EAGLE 2 [via phone]: Hey! I take it your meeting went well?

MIKEY [via phone]: [In the background.] What? Uh. What? W-Where am I? Why did you tie me–? What are you doing!? What are you doing to me!? What’s going on? Hey!

EAGLE 1 [previously EAGLE]: Sure did. Did you receive the package?

EAGLE 2 [via phone]: Yup, he’s here. We’re waitin’ on you to get the party started.

EAGLE 1: Great. I’ll finish up here and head over. Save some of the choice cuts of meat for me!

EAGLE 2 [via phone]: Hehe. [Teasing.] No promises. It’s first come, first serve!

MIKEY [via phone]: Who are you talk–

[Eagle 1 hangs up.]

EAGLE 1: Hey, Britches! I need to pay for my meal!

[Scene transition.]

[Time travel noise.]

[We hear sounds reverberate. Eagle 2 continues to sharpen knives.]

EAGLE 1: Hello, Mikey. Good to see you again.

MIKEY: What the fuck is going on!? Who are you people!?

EAGLE 1 [confused]: It’s me. Eagle. Your misinformation twin, remember? We just had dinner together at the diner. The only confusing thing here is you choosing to have biscuits and gravy for dinner.

MIKEY: If you’re Eagle, then who is the fuck he!? He’s been sharpening knives ever since I got put here!

EAGLE 1: Oh, that’s my real twin. Say hi, Eagle 2.

EAGLE 2: Hi, Mikey. Good to see ya again.

EAGLE 1: It’s a fun job, but someone’s gotta do it.

MIKEY: Where are we!? W-Why did you tie me up? Why do you have an iteration with you? Uh– Why are there knives!?

EAGLE 2: I’ll take this one, Eagle 1. We’re in an abandoned complex somewhere in Svalbard. [Stops sharpening knives.] It came with this nifty machine that we’re going to use to stop O.V.E.R. from [Knocks on machine a few times.] permanently killing all my friends. You’re tied up because, well, you aren’t going to like what is about to happen. [Resumes sharpening knives.] I’m here because this is the new Eagles’ Nest, and it’s where we all live. And the knives are for this next part, which is the part that you aren’t going to enjoy as much as we are.

MIKEY: W– You’re gonna– You’re gonna torture me? F-Fuck. I-I thought we had a-a rapport going! What the fuck are you gonna torture me for? I never even indicated that there was stuff I didn’t wanna tell you!

EAGLE 1: Those were the easy questions. I’ve saved all the hard questions, the ones you don’t want to answer.

EAGLE 2: And that wasn’t you in the diner. Eagle 1 iterated you and sent that iteration here. The original iteration you split off from is back at Base telling everyone what a great time he had.

MIKEY: A-And how do you know that I wouldn’t cooperate? I could’ve just answered your questions.

EAGLE 1: This isn’t the first iteration of the timeline where we have needed to get this sort of information out of you.

[Eagle 2 stops sharpening knives.]

EAGLE 2: You should have told us what we wanted to know the first time. It would’ve been healthier for your organs.

EAGLE 1: We should cut the chitchat. We’re burnin’ daylight out here, and the polar bears get aggressive if we don’t feed ’em before dark.

MIKEY: There’s a– There’s a polar bear? Y-You’re– You’re not supposed to feed those, I don’t think.

EAGLE 2: Question One. Where is Stinky right now, and what is his role in this… Ibis Society?

MIKEY: Look, man, I don’t know what either of those are–

[We hear Eagle 2 stab Mikey.]

MIKEY [pained]: Oh–! Oh! Why? Ah! Ah–!

EAGLE 2: Wrong answer. We’ve been listening to your radio show. You keep goin’ on and on about the Moon. You’re clearly referencing the rumors that Bradford Beaumont lives on the Moon. What’s Stinky’s role in this Ibis Society?

[Eagle 2 briefly stabs Mikey again.]

MIKEY: Oh– It’s just– just a theory about the Moon! I don’t know who Bradford Beaumont is!

EAGLE 1: Go easy on ‘im, Eagle 2. We need ‘im alive for a few minutes. Dead men don’t answer questions. Mikey, what do you know about the TryLeg Corporation?

MIKEY: The what? The– The place that Mi–? …Fuck.

EAGLE 2: Mike… what?

EAGLE 1: I think Mike works for them, Eagle 2.

EAGLE 2: Fuck all that does for us, Eagle 1. We already ransacked that shithole apartment in Latvia. No one was there. If we could find Mike, he’d be tied up next to Mikey.

MIKEY: Uh– Nobody’s at the apartment? Where’s Michael?

EAGLE 1: Where is Mike, Mikey?

MIKEY: No, he– he warned me about you. You dangled Tier Four in front of my face, and I fucking forgot, but he warned me about you.

EAGLE 2: This is the part where it really starts to hurt, so you should spit it out already.

MIKEY: No. O-One of them is gonna fix this.

EAGLE 2: Your turn, Eagle 1.

EAGLE 1: Here’s the deal, Mikey boy. I’m gonna turn up the heat until you tell me where Mike is. [Sharpens knife a couple of times.] The sooner you tell me, the sooner it’s over. Got it?

MIKEY: Mike’s gonna find a Calculator, and he’s gonna correct all this. This won’t even have happened.

EAGLE 1: Mike doesn’t even know you exist. You’re an iteration I made 15 minutes ago.

EAGLE 2: You have no reason to protect him, Mikey. He doesn’t have any use for a spare iteration like you.

MIKEY: N-No. No.

EAGLE 1: Here we go, Mikey. I’ll stop whenever you tell me what I need to know.

[We hear Eagle 1 stabbing Mikey, who groans in pain.]

EAGLE 2: C’mon, buddy. It’s not worth all this, is it?

MIKEY [pained]: Bluster’s Grove! Ah–! Make it stop! Fuck! Ah– [Gurgles.]

[The stabbing stops.]

EAGLE 2: Bluster’s Grove? Bluster? Like the funny internet horse?

EAGLE 1: There. Was that so hard?

MIKEY [weak]: Make it stop. What are you gonna do to Mike?

EAGLE 1: That’s between me and Mike. I think I’ll be taking a trip out to Bluster’s Grove to visit ‘im. Thank you, Mikey. You have been more helpful than you will ever know.

EAGLE 2: Are you gonna kill him, or should I?

EAGLE 1: You can have this one, Eagle 2. I’ve got places to be. Get this mess cleaned up and throw the body out to the polar bear before I get back, okay?

EAGLE 2: Can do, boss.

[We hear the time travel noise as Eagle 1 exits. Eagle 2 whistles and sharpens his knife.]

MIKEY: E-Eagle. Y-Y-You don’t have to do this. Uh– I’ll give you information, I’ll give you whatever you want. They– They’ll come looking for me! They– They’ll correct all of this, and y-you– they’ll come after you, and they’ll come after the other one, too.

[We hear the sounds of Mikey being stabbed to death.]

EAGLE 2: [Chuckles.] Well, that was fun. I love the smell of dead Mikey in the evening. [The ice lair door starts to open.] Get out here, bear! You’re havin’ minced Mikey for dinner!

[Through the snow and wind, we hear a bear approach and vocalize. The ice lair door stops opening.]

[Closing theme starts playing.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE.

The voice of Eagle and Eagle 2 was Steve Anzalone. Check out his podcasts Maeltopia, The Sleep Wake Cycle, and The Gentleman from Hell.

The voice of Flash was Jesse Syratt. Check out her podcast Nowhere, On Air.

Thanks for tuning in.

[Closing theme plays out.]

[Diner ambience.]

BLOOPER (EAGLE): That is what makes True Permanence so valuable.

BLOOPER (MIKEY): Eagle, I’m going to level with you. I’m what in the industry they call a script kitty. Meow, nyah, I’m just a wittle kitty… ny– licking my paws… I don’t know how anything works, I just wanna lie in a sunbeam… So, uh… Can I get a sunbeam? Can I get a sunbeam around here?

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

[Ice lair ambience.]

BLOOPER (EAGLE): What’s Stinky’s role in this Ibis Society?

BLOOPER (MIKEY): No, it’s just a theory! A moon theory.

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

[END Episode 207.]