[INTERMISSION XIII] Actual Advertisements

SUMMARY

Real products and services for your real life.

TRANSCRIPT:

Edited by Addison

[INTERMISSION XIII] Actual Advertisements

[Light music begins playing.]

After the break, season 7 of WOE.BEGONE continues. But first, a word from our sponsors…

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by actual advertisements.  You might have seen that WOE.BEGONE now has ads at the beginning and the ends of episodes… or maybe you haven’t. I have no control over that and the inner machinations of why sometimes ads appear and sometimes don’t is something of a mystery. It’s even a mystery to Acast, the company that distributes the podcast. According to their CEO, Roger Acast, there’s an eldritch being that lives in the basement of what is now their headquarters but was originally a ritual site for a long dead deity thousands of years ago. The temperatures in the Acast basement can rival the temperatures measured on the surface of the sun, so no human can survive going down there. Despite this, there is still a button for the basement in the elevator. The being requires occasional human sacrifice, which the company provides by telling unsuspecting new employees to retrieve office supplies from the basement. It’s a perfect system. And, as a reward for this sacrifice, the being places ads at the beginning and ends of episodes in process that is known as “dynamic insertion.” Not midroll ads, though. Someone else handles those.  

I have been referred to the being as “they,” not because I don’t know the being’s gender, but because if you stand in the Acast basement stairwell at the first floor, you can see the being and converse with them through a sort of psychic link and the first thing they always do is ask your pronouns and give their own which are they/them. They’re actually really nice. They were quick to point out that the interns and other gullible employees who had been tricked to going into the basement weren’t killed and eaten but rather were subsumed into the greater consciousness of the being in a Human Instrumentality Project-type fashion, which explains why the being has so many heads. Each soul that they incorporate into the consciousness makes the basement that they dwell in a little bit hotter, which will eventually cause the entire Earth to collapse in on itself with the basement at the center, at which point we will all be one with the being, human potential will become infinite, and we will conquer whatever worlds that we wish, which will be a lot of fun. 

I hope that effectively explains why WOE.BEGONE now has advertisements. Thank you for your time. 

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by the beach episode of WOE.BEGONE. You’ve asked for it, you want it, you NEED it: the beach episode of WOE.BEGONE. Everything’s always so hectic on WOE.BEGONE. Time travel this, murder that, Michael’s dead Edgar the other thing. Give me a break! Why can’t we all just get along? Why can’t we have a filler episode where everyone goes to the beach and wacky hijinks ensue? 

Well, I’m proud to announce here at WOE.BEGONE Industries LLC have been working hard on a solution. Our top scientists are currently working crunch-time in our laboratory to find the perfect chemical components to bring the beach episode of WOE.BEGONE to you! This is the second laboratory that we’ve been using for the Beach Experiment. The first one burned down under mysterious circumstances. Forensic investigators concluded that the fire was NOT started by the chemicals used in the experiment, which are admittedly pretty flammable. I hope that doesn’t happen again, am I right? Who would even want to hinder a project like this? Mustardseed?

We have made a lot of progress working on the Beach Project. Here are just a few of the clips that we’ve been able to produce with our limited resource budget:

“Ha! I am wet with water and here is a volleyed ball!”

[Michael voice] “I ain’t takin’ my cowboy hat off just to swim in the dang ocean.”

[Clip of August speaking cut together with dialogue taken from Episode 73. The clip is intentionally disjointed sounding.] “Mikey and Michael. Right this way gentlemen. TO. The pool—

[Clip of Ty speaking cut together with dialogue taken from Episode 74.] “The weather. Look. Great!”

[Clip of August] “Cheeseburger.”

[Michael voice] “This here shark’s my best friend, and I will shoot anyone who tries to put ‘im back in the water. 

“Mike Walters cuts this BARBEQUE PORK off at the shoulder!!”

So, what are you waiting for? A call to action? Here it is. When we hit $1,500 on the Patreon, the Beach episode is yours!  I’m going to forget that I said this, so in the event that we actually reach that goal you will have to remind me. 

The WOE.BEGONE beach episode: I’m serious. I’ll do it. 

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by the Oldbrush Valley Tourism Bureau. The Bureau understands that Oldbrush Valley has quite the reputation, going back a hundred years as being a place that you don’t want to be, but Oldbrush Valley is so much more than a place to commit and then get away with murder or the place with the top-secret facility where one of the buildings blew up recently. The Valley is a must-see location for anyone who wants a scenic view of the American west or wherever it’s supposed to be. Come and see the beautiful landscapes on your road trip to go see an even more beautiful landscape like Yellowstone. But Oldbrush Valley is pretty good. B+. 

But even if you aren’t visiting Oldbrush Valley for the nature, the hikes, the fishing, which admittedly isn’t actually in Oldbrush Valley it’s one town over, but the hotels are cheaper in Oldbrush Valley, but you can stay at the Base if you want. No, scratch that what am I saying? I don’t know you; this is just an advertisement. Wait, do you have a PS5? You can stay at the Base if I can play your PS5. What was I talking about? [Smash cut.] There is also plenty to see if you enjoy picturesque rural americana. In addition to the Oldbrush Valley 24 Hour Diner, there is other restaurant. There is a grocery store that sells crabs…sometimes. There are federal agents hiding behind every blade of grass and the Oldbrush Valley city proper is about 25% federal property that you are not allowed to go on, and they would actually prefer if you don’t even look at it. 

So much to do, so much to see! So, what’s wrong with taking the backstreets and making Oldbrush Valley one of your stops on your next cross-country road trip? Oldbrush Valley: Smash Mouth did not give us permission to use that tagline. I thought Oldbrush Valley already had a tagline? “I wonder what it is about that place”? That’s better than the Smash Mouth thing. If Smash Mouth doesn’t wanna work with us that’s their loss. Oldbrush Valley: If Smash Mouth doesn’t want to work with us that’s their loss. 

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by The Dairy of Aliza Schultz. Yes, you heard that right. Dairy. Aliza Schultz is entering the gourmet cheese industry, with a surreal twist! The ingenuity is in the delivery method. Simply lay down on your bed, close your eyes, and drift into a peaceful sleep. It’s that simple. The cheese will appear in your dream, likely as a father figure to you, and will give you sage but cryptic life advice that will not become useful until you find the context that you need to interpret it. Do not eat the cheese in the dream. It is not that kind of cheese. Also, I specified “peaceful sleep” for a reason. If your sleep is fitful, the delivery method may become corrupted, and the cheese could become a malicious force who gives you advice that sounds good but might ultimately harm you. 

Because the cheese is in a dream, The Dairy of Aliza Schultz is cruelty free (unless you are harmed by your cheese dream father). The are no cows, no ranchers, and no production facility. There is no labor at all, only dreams. For the same reason, The Dairy of Aliza Schultz is also green, sustainable, gluten-free, and dairy free, though it is not paradox free. It is paraffin free. It is not a substitute for food or for talking out your feelings with your father. The advice given by the dream cheese is neither legal nor medical. Please consult a physio barrister before making any medi-legal decisions. 

The Dairy of Aliza Schultz: it is unclear who is curdling in the dream, but we can both hear it. 

Only legal in select jurisdictions, some restrictions apply, The Dairy of Aliza Schultz is not associated in any way with the Milkman of St. Gaff’s or Howie Milkman or the milkman from the video game Psychonauts. 

[Light music begins playing again.]

Many thanks to today’s sponsors, but a much more earnest thanks to you for listening to the show. 2022 has been a wild ride for WOE.BEGONE and a lot has changed, twisted, and turned and I wanted to thank you for staying along for the ride. And I really mean that even if the music makes me sound like I’m being sarcastic. If you want to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone. I just launched a $15 postcard tier where every month you receive a personalized postcard from Oldbrush Valley. People are starting to get them at the time of this recording and I’m very excited. So, check out the Patreon if you are interested in that or in any of the other things that I always rattle off at the beginning of every episode. 

Season 7 of WOE.BEGONE continues next week. Thanks for playing. 

[END THEME PLAYS.]