[Warning: This episode contains a description of animal death, vehicular violence, and a sudden loud noise. Listener discretion is advised.]
Loud noise warning: 19:26 – 19:31
Edited by Addison.
Episode 58: Forget
[The instrumental of a rock song (“Put-Me-Down”) plays while Michael sings along and uses cooking utensils to play the beat.]
Mike: What the fuck, Michael? Huh? Turn the music down. What are you doing?
Michael: I’m makin’ breakfast you want some?
[The music fades out.]
Mike: You know what I mean. What is—this!
Michael: That would be the head of an 80-kilogram wild boar. I’m makin’ bacon if you want some. The rest of ‘em already butchered and in the freezer.
Mike: Am I to believe that you killed this 80-kilogram wild boar? I don’t know how much a kilogram is by the way that number means nothing to me.
Michael: [Laughing] I don’t know either that’s just what Boris told me. Me and him went out huntin’ this morning while you were still asleep. Shot two of ‘em so he took one and I took one, hence the boar. I was gonna invite you, but you didn’t look ready to wake up yet, but the bacon grease will be good for the hangover. You drinkin’ to forget?
Mike: [Huffs] If that’s what you want to call it.
Michael: Well, did you? Forget?
Michael: I know, and you won’t so cut it out.
Mike: You don’t think you do enough killing already?
Michael: C’mon man it’s just a pig.
Mike: Ugh there is no reason you had to word it that way.
Michael: It’s all just food on the table, partner. I coulda cooked some sausage from the fridge that’s just a different pig. The sausage I mean not the fridge the fridge is not a p—
Mike: [Cutting off Michael] And why did you go on a boar hunt with our landlord exactly?
Michael: Because Boris is a nice… guy? Um, okay, maybe not nice or friendly or like pleasant to be around—hell he’s literally a landlord you know how we feel about that, but I like ‘im. He’s— ornery is what he is. Ornery, what a word. Ornery. Ornery. One ornery son of a bitch that Boris. But he is good to his friends—the ones that can stand to be around him. He invited me and I want to stay in his good graces, so I went. The fresh meat was a bonus, and it helped my skills stay sharp. Well, we got to talkin’ and I told him that I was havin’ trouble with the rent this month and he said, [Eastern European accent] “Oh, Mikael, mishka I like you! You are only cowboy I know. Fastest gunslinger in all of Latvia. And if you say there is no rent this month, then there is no rent this month. You cannot pay me what you do not have, and now you have all of this meat [something in Russian ???], Michael.”
Mike: So, did this really happen or did you just want to do an accent?
Michael: It’s the whole truth, partner. Nothin’ but it.
Mike: Except Boris is Ukrainian.
Mike: And this is just a guess, he probably knows Russian, but he would probably speak Ukrainian if he was saying something off the cuff like that? So, he wouldn’t say [??? Russian word] he would probably say…
Michael: [Attempts to pronounce Ukrainian word ???] It’s a strange language I don’t know—damn it the story’s true, okay? The proof is right there staring at you with its dead little eyes in the middle of the table. The bacon’s done by the way. There’s eggs and toast too, but I didn’t kill them this morning.
Mike: I will never understand how you’re able to cook bacon with your shirt off.
Michael: It’s called bravery? Maybe try and get some.
Mike: Sh—sure. Are you, uh, are you gonna take him off the kitchen table?
Michael: Nah, I haven’t decided what to do with him yet.
Mike: Michael, there’s blood all over the table.
Michael: That blood was inside of the boar when I started believe it or not. I cleaned up a lot before you got up.
Mike: [Sighs] I don’t know how you have the stomach for all of this.
Michael: Mike, we kill people all the time and normally it’s just ‘cuz someone told us to, and we don’t even get to eat those people. Hell, we didn’t even get to eat the pigs we killed.
Mike: I mean, that’s not wrong, but I still feel wrong. Shouldn’t you put it in the freezer or something if you’re gonna get it stuffed?
Michael: The problem is he won’t fit in the freezer with the rest of ‘im in there.
Mike: But you can’t like, leave him out on the table, Michael, he’s looking at me!
Michael: Turn ‘im around then!
Mike: I don’t wanna touch him, it’s gross.
Michael: You shouldn’t say that [Whispering] his ghost can hear us.
Mike: We don’t believe in ghosts.
Michael: Excuse you, I do not accept talk back from someone who drug their sorry ass out of bed at 1 in the afternoon ‘cuz they forgot we had plans.
Mike: No, I didn’t forget it’s…fine. It’s—it’s fine I’ll just chug some water and power through, okay?
Michael: Mike, if you just please save your self-destruction for days where were not workin’ I could greatly appreciate it.
Mike: Fuck you, man. Are you not always in pain?
Michael: We do not have to have a difficult conversation this morning, Mike.
Mike: This afternoon you mean. Why are we eating breakfast at 1 in the afternoon?
Michael: Because I waited for you, dipshit. Yes, I am always in pain, and I self-destructed just like you did and that’s how I know that it’s pointless. You can see the scars on my chest it’s not like I’m coverin’ ‘em up. Yes, I’m in pain, but I also grew the fuck up. You can look into the darkness, you have to it’s healthy to look, but you can’t stay there. There is no home there. There is only wilderness. My advice is come inside ‘cuz people are waiting for you there.
Mike: [Sighs] The grizzled cowboy poet strikes again. Gimme a break.
Michael: Hey if you didn’t want advice you shouldn’t come around lookin’ like a mangey dog.
Mike: I’m sorry I don’t take advice from someone who has just as many night terrors as I do.
Michael: Well, you should reconsider, here, we’ll solve one problem right now. Okay, how ‘bout… [Rustling sound as Michael turns the boar head] There now he’s not lookin’ at you, is that better? Look, I’m sorry but I’m also not gonna sit here and act like I didn’t notice, but you’re gonna power through, right? You said that yourself, so, maybe we can get on to the first order of business?
Mike: [Bitterly] Gladly.
Michael: Okay then, first order of business it is. I tracked down Ravi.
Mike: Tracked him down? You said that you sent him to 2002?
Michael: Well, that’s sorta the thing about 2002 if you wait 20 years it’s now.
Mike: Wait, wait, wait, so Ravi is still around?
Michael: Yeah, I uh, I found him on LinkedIn he’s doing like software as a service consultancy. I looked it up and I guess that’s a real thing. So, he’s either deep undercover or he found something new to do with his life. And he’s older than me at this point. He still hasn’t made any moves, so I guess he’s not gonna.
Mike: Michael, people can see when you’ve gone to their LinkedIn page, it tells them.
Michael: It’s a dummy LinkedIn page. Did you think I had a real LinkedIn page? What would I put on it? Do you think I’m lookin’ for legitimate employment opportunities right now? Because I’m not, but to segue into the main order of business what I am interested in is capturing and interrogating Ty Betteridge. Did you look over the plan last night?
Mike: It’s not even a plan, Michael. You want to grab him at the Flinchite Compound and put some zip ties handcuffs on him and hope that he doesn’t see us coming or use the considerable time travel prowess he possesses to retroactively undo it? That’s the plan?
Michael: Well, you’ll see that I wrote just “fucking kill him” and then I struck it out, so it is actually the revised plan, and I think it’s gonna work.
Mike: But we have that new “No Kidnapping” policy after Marissa and Ravi. [[Michael: [Under his breath] Ugh, fucking rules lawyer.]] Remember? We deiced it was too much trouble? Base won’t approve this plan.
Michael: Base isn’t gonna approve this plan. Base is going to know nothing until it’s done.
Mike: Fuck, Michael, I thought we were going to tell them about this? This is dangerous, what if someone gets hurt?
Michael: Then I’ll die in the parkin’ lot of the fuckin’ Flinchite Compound, and you can have me stuff along with the boar.
Mike: I’m serious, Michael. I have a bad feeling about this.
Michael: I’m serious too and I am not taking criticism right now. I am fully prepared to do this solo so if you wanna go back to bed, go back to bed.
Mike: No, you’re not doing this solo. I’m going to come I’m just going to, you know, complain the whole time.
Michael: Would it even be a Mike Walters escapade if one of us didn’t complain the whole time?
Mike: Nope! But really, Michael, what’s the plan here? What do you think he’s gonna tell you?
Michael: If I knew what he was gonna tell me then I wouldn’t need to take him hostage now would I?
Mike: Do you think that he’s going to tell you anything? We don’t exactly have the best record at interrogating people.
Michael: Well, if you have some other ideas about how to figure out what’s going on you should tell me.
Mike: Uh, what about the current Base’s plan? The T.B.D.O Project? That’s our project.
Michael: I am not impressed with the health of Project T.B.D.O. What have they even learned? They learned Ty murdered someone in cold blood out in the Valley, but I learned that and told them. They haven’t even figured out who it is yet. In fact, it is going so poorly that our Base sent us out there to kill one of them if you’ll remember. And now I’m just lyin’ to Base all the damn time and it all started ‘cuz of fuckin’ Ravi. So no, I’m not going to sit around and wait for them to figure out Project T.B.D.O.
Mike: Okay, but how are we supposed to get through security? We’re not using your Calculator to get in. You can do it solo if that’s your plan.
Michael: We’ll just use Kasimieras’s badge. I duplicated it and we can come in at different times pretending to be the same guy.
Mike: And if we get recognized? Because we have been there before.
Michael: Recognized by who, Mike? Ty Betteridge? We’re gonna get the slip on him. Do you remember talking to anyone else there? They kept us locked up in that little room all the time.
Mike: I’m just gonna say it, Michael. This feels off. Something about this feels wrong. Like you don’t even seem enthusiastic, and you haven’t thought of all the contingencies, and it just feels like you’re doing this for some reason that you’re not telling me, and it gets me worried. Is this your cowboy shit? Is this a suicide mission? I—it just feels wrong, and you’re hiding from Base. When was the last time you talked to Base?
Michael: I talked to ‘em yesterday when I reported what I saw at Project T.B.D.O.
Mike: Okay, well when was the last time you talked to Edgar? When was the last time you talked to your Edgar?
Michael: You’re not turning the tables on me, Mike.
Mike: I show up hungover one morning and you give me a whole lecture about the darkness and the wilderness, fuck that Mike, I am turning the tables on you. When was the last time you talked to Edgar.
Michael: It was before Rugby, goddamnit.
Mike: Rugby? This is about Rugby?
Michael: Of course, this is about Rugby. Everything is about Rugby. Mikey had a real tough time of it but you’re forgetting what happened to me the first time we did it before anything got corrected. I’ve been through the worst shit, Mike. There’s shit that I never even told you about that I’m not going to tell you about because you don’t need to know. And Base had the nerve to send me back there and patch him up. They coulda sent Marissa, they coulda sent Hunter, they coulda sent Edgar, they coulda sent fucking anyone but us, Mike. So now every time I go to call Edgar I think about Rugby and then I just don’t call him, and I don’t know which is worse, that he doesn’t even know that I’m mad at him or that I feel like I don’t have any right to be mad at him because of all the shit that I’ve done. And let’s be clear I’m taking care of you on top of all of that, and I get it ‘cuz I went through the same thing, but it makes me jumpy and so maybe I’m jumping into a plan that isn’t ready yet, but the big, stupid, dramatic truth is that I don’t know what to do. Okay?
Mike: [Softly] Michael, I’m—I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking of it that way at all. I don’t want you to think you’re taking care of me, and Edgar would be mortified if he knew that you felt that way. You gotta talk to him. [Sighs] But in the meantime let’s find a better way to kidnap Ty Betteridge, okay?
Michael: Yeah, let’s find a better way to kidnap Ty Betteridge.
Mike: So, uh, we’re you serious about us getting a puppy?
Michael: A puppy? What the fuck are you talkin’ about?
Mike: After the mission with Ravi? You said that if we did that and broke 24 hours that we could have a puppy.
Michael: But we didn’t break 24 hours, we went to bed.
Mike: But we did the mission and now we’re doing this. Isn’t this what you were referring to?
Michael: Keep your eye on Ty Betteridge’s car, Mike. If we lose him then the mission fails.
Mike: I just think it’d be really nice to have a dog in the apartment.
Michael: Mike, we cannot take care of a living animal in that apartment.
Mike: It is not that hard to have a dog. We’ve had dogs in the past.
Michael: We weren’t doin’ time travel assassinations in the past.
Mike: I think it would lighten the mood. Between my problems and your problems and the boars head on the table, it was kind of gloomy in our apartment this morning.
Michael: You can’t be serious.
Mike: No, that’s my line. I’m the one that says “you can’t be serious” because you’re the one that acts like a cowboy. I think it would be good for us, I think we need the companionship.
Michael: Mike, if we got a dog and something happened to it I would never forgive myself. Our lives are just too rough, okay? I was joking when I said it and honestly I don’t even remember saying it, but I think we should focus on the mission.
Mike: [Sarcastic] Oh, we’re focusing on the mission now are we? Is that what we were doing when we stopped at Hesburger on the way?
Michael: Those were tactical cheeseburgers.
Mike: You’re being, dare I say it, a little bit ornery right now, Michael.
Michael: No, no, no, you need to swallow the syllables. Ornery. Ornery.
Mike: [Quietly] Ornery.
[Mike and Michael say the word “Ornery” back and forth with varying pronunciations and emphasis.]
Mike: Am I saying it? Ornery.
Michael: It doesn’t even sound like a real word to me anymore, partner.
Mike: Hey, did it look like Ty just spotted us?
Michael: I didn’t see it did he look back at us or somethin’?
Mike: Yeah, I don’t know if he saw us, but he looked back like someone was following him and why would he do that if he didn’t think someone was following him?
Michael: Well, I’m a pretty good driver if I do say so myself and Ty’s gotta go home some time so good luck trying to lose me.
Mike: Are you a good driver, Michael, or are you just erratic?
Michael: I get done what needs to get done.
Mike: So, that’s one way to frame it, the way that I would frame it would be that when you are driving I feel like you are going to get us both killed.
Michael: Well, I’ve never got us both killed before have I?
Mike: Well, you have gotten us both killed before, but it wasn’t when you were driving.
Michael: Well, that’s case and point right there, checkmate, Q.E.D. My drivin’ is fine. Do you feel like I’m about to get us both killed right now?
Mike: [Sarcastically] No Michael, of course not! I love swerving in and out of the left lane at 100-kilometers per hour! It makes me feel safe.
Michael: I gotta keep up an eye on Ty’s car if we lose him then it’s over. And if he takes a turn somewhere I then need to see it.
Mike: And if you flip this shitty rust bucket car over on the road it is also over, Michael.
Michael: Hey, Mike could you uh, do me a favor. And look behind us?
Mike: What’s behind us?
Michael: There is a green car behind us, and I think that it’s been there just a little too long.
Mike: I see him. You think that we’re being tailed?
Michael: Well, I’m not ruling out the possibility that we’re being tailed. We spent so much time lookin’ forward that we forgot to check our six.
Mike: Us getting tailed while we’re tailing Ty is… ironic. And sort of a tongue twister. Us getting tailed while we were tailing Ty. Us getting tailed while we were tailing Ty.
Michael: It’s not ironic. It’s Ty Betteridge’s security.
Mike: You think he called somebody? He just spotted us. If he has even spotted us.
Michael: Mike, I’m gonna drop some bombshell knowledge on you, but I think you need to hear it. Ty Betteridge is capable of moving people and objects backward through time. It doesn’t matter when he spotted us if he spotted us. He coulda sent the order to tail us backwards to yesterday from his car.
Mike: Okay, so we’re getting tailed. So, what do we do now? Are we just going to have another shootout like we did last time?
Michael: This isn’t gonna go like last time.
Mike: Meaning we’re going to do what, Michael?
Michael: Judging by the way that he’s approachin’ I think that he intends to bully us off the road. So, my proposition is we get the hell outta here.
Mike: Do you think that we can outrun him?
Michael: I sure don’t, partner. I’m not talkin’ about that.
Mike: Time is of the essence can we say what we mean?
Michael: Hold on, it’s in a bag in the backseat of the car. Here— [Leaning away] Mike take the wheel.
Mike: What the fuck, Michael.
Michael: [Still leaning away] Don’t crash us.
Mike: Fuck! Michael! What are you doing?
Michael: [Turned back forward] Right here.
Mike: Please never do that again.
Michael: Well, it’s not like I could just pull over. Do you wanna leave in one piece or ten.
Mike: Jesus fuck Mike! I could have gotten it out of the backseat. I haven’t even had time to react yet to the fact that you just brought out the fucking Calculator. That’s the plan?
Michael: Yeah, and it’s a fuckin’ awful plan but do you wanna die or not?
Mike: The way that you worded that sounds like we die if we do your plan.
Michael: And I’m not ruling out the possibility we’re gonna have to do this in a moving car.
Mike: Oh, so you are going to get us killed! Or mangled, probably mangled.
Michael: Mike, I need you to get on your phone and I need you to find an upcoming intersection and get the coordinates, okay?
Mike: And you’re gonna—you’re gonna what? You’re gonna use the Calculator right when we get to the intersection? We’re gonna fucking die. We’re gonna fucking die. Holy shit, Michael. We’re not even gonna be the only ones that fucking die. If we leave the car it’s gonna crash into someone! [Splutters] What are you doing!?
Michael: We don’t have time to care about that!
Mike: This actually isn’t possible, Mike. We’re gonna have to come to a stop.
Michael: We’re about to start swappin’ paint we can’t come to a stop. And it’s not impossible Ty took us out of a moving car during the third challenge remember?
Mike: That wasn’t with a Calculator!
Michael: Well, this time it will be with one.
Mike: Wh—what about our car? We won’t have a car anymore.
Michael: Buzz wrong question. Either take the wheel or find the goddamn coordinates.
Mike: [Sighs] Fine. [Pause] Okay, how about here? It’s in like a quarter mile so there’s enough time to put everything in.
Michael: If we can make it a quarter mile he’s— [Sound of the other car hitting theirs.] Yep, he’s touching my bumper. Put in the coordinates, put in the time, Mike. This is the only chance we get.
Mike: Fine. Oh, I can’t believe we’re gonna die because we needed more information about Ty Betteridge.
Michael: Not the best mindset to be in right now.
Mike: You die really quickly in the vacuum of space, right? Like, at least there’s that?
Michael: No one’s dyin’ today.
Mike: Said with the confidence of someone who should have none.
Michael: This is the intersection up here?
Mike: That’s it and the time will be 05:38:22…23 I’m gonna have to put it in at the very last second.
Michael: I’ll break as hard as I can when we get there, but he’s gonna push us.
Mike: This better work, Michael. I’m scared.
Michael: I’m scared too.
Mike: Alright here it comes. Three…
Michael: [Softly] Edgar.
[Time travel noises.]
[Mike and Michael land with a loud thud. There is the sound of them groaning in pain and the sound of plates and metal utensils moving around.]
Mike: What…what happened? [Coughs] Michael, fuck! Michael, you’re bleeding!
Michael: No…no I’m not bleedin’ I landed on the kitchen table. Fuck Mike, what happened?
Mike: We…transported from somewhere? [Softly] Fuck. [Pained sound] What were we doing?
Michael: Um, I was makin’ breakfast and you got up and then I showed you the boar and we talked and then… no idea.
Mike: We went somewhere because you have a shirt on now and we lost—it looks like four and a half hours.
Michael: It appears that I might have gotten us into some sort of trouble.
Mike: [Sighs] So, you’re saying that we got corrected? About what?
Michael: Just guessin’ that because I don’t know it means that it was something so catastrophic that it’s important that we not even consider it again.
Mike: Do you think Base knows? Do you think they corrected us?
Michael: No, Mike I think that we corrected us.
Mike: So, nobody knows what happened?
Michael: There are worse outcomes than forgettin’. Like not forgettin’ for instance.
Mike: Not a very long shot guess here but do you suppose that maybe what we forgot involved our corpses?
Michael: It most definitely involved one or both of our corpses.
Mike: [Sarcastically] That’s so cool I love that for us! Hey, I’m gonna get a beer do you want one?
Michael: Sure, why not.
Mike: And it’s not drinking to forget this time, okay?
Michael: Whatever you say, partner.
Mike: [From far away] No, I really mean it. Hey, Michael do you remember telling me you’d get us a puppy?
[Sound of opening a can of beer.]
Michael: Hm, no I don’t, but that’s a really funny joke, Mike. [Laughing] Us getting’ a dog.
Mike: What, you don’t think it’d be nice to have a dog in the apartment?
[Their voices begin slowly fading out.]
Michael: Not for the dog it wouldn’t.
Mike: We could take care of a dog, Mike, it’s not that hard.
Michael: Yeah, I’ll just pencil in walking ‘im in between assassinations.
Mike: We literally control the flow of time, Michael. We can make time. We can literally make time!
Michael: And what if we suddenly lose four and a half hours? Dog shit on the floor is what, Mike.
Mike: We can clean dog shit off the floor.
[End theme plays.]
[Post credits: clip of Mike and Michael saying “Ornery” back and forth with varying pronunciations that ends with Mike instead saying “Horny”.]
I got tired of filling voids
with whatever would fit
both the three chords
and the truth are useless
easily the best is what it is
a bleeding heart wrapped around a fist
to beat the truth out with
saved times for deadlines
I’m dead before
the best get out of here
as a form of put-me-down
so just put me down
if you’re confused
there’s nothing more to do for you
see, the finger’s pointed at myself
so please just get a clue
for good lives
I can’t afford
the best get out of here
as a form of put-me-down
the best get out of here
as a form of put-me-down
I want to
who pushed on
the best get out of here
as a form of put-me-down
the best get out of here
as a form of put-me-down