[INTERMISSION IV] Even More Ads!

[INTERMISSION IV] Even More Ads! WOE.BEGONE

SUMMARY:

Sponsor words, from them, the sponsors. 

TRANSCRIPT:

After the break: WOE.BEGONE season 3: Inner Ring. But first, a word from our sponsors:

If you’re like me, you hate waiting in line at the glasses office. All of that waiting around, just to rent some glasses that you have to give back at the end of the day! And it’s so expensive. I used to spend up to $50 per day renting eyeglasses so that I could get my work done at WOE.BEGONE Industries LLC. But now, thanks to our sponsor Warby Parker, for the first time in my life, I can actually own eyeglasses. No more stumbling around, getting into traffic accidents after returning my daily glasses rental; no more sleeping in a bed with a raccoon all night because I couldn’t see him in there. That raccoon was my husband. Use offer code WOEBEGONE at checkout to receive 1 year off your first Life Subtraction Payment. Warby Parker: It will all be over soon and you’ll it coming.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune is brought to you by Eggs. Not a particular brand of eggs, just Incredible, Edible Eggs. We speak as one being to emphasize to you that you must eat Egg. The lone ovum, an empty plenum yearning to be pierced. Language constructs reality and we are speaking into your reality that you need eat Egg. We mustn’t wrap our ontological insecurity up in contrary pretense. Like a fork poked into a sunny-side-up Egg, we can end epistemological solipsism. Modern thought is an arbitrary sadness, but you can use toast to soak up the yolk. You do not have the mental space to feel both alienated from yourself and also frantically try to get egg yolk out of your beard before it starts to dry up a little bit and becomes a big sticky mess. Try Egg. You have 60 days to decide if Egg is right for you, or simply vomit it back up and send it in the mail for a partial refund. Use offer code EGGCIFIC POULT-NEST STORE EGGS at checkout to embody both Being and Becoming. Eggs: Eggs.

If you’re like me, you love the Post Office. You never ran any ads about hating the Post Office. There was only love for the Post Office. I’ve always loved the Post Office. If you suggest that any point in the past that I have not pledged undying fealty to the United States Postal Service, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t think that I’ll be fully in control of my actions. The rage that I would fly into would be unprecedented and destructive. You denying my love for the Post Office to my face might as well be a denial of who I am as a person. Who I always have been. I apologize, but I get furious even at the mere thought that you might tell me that I haven’t always loved the Post Office. I know it is not fair to get mad at an argument that I imagined in my head, but it is hard not to feel so strongly in these trying times.

Use offer code WOEBEGONE at checkout and get 15% off your first purchase of a Post Office. Stamps.com: I Don’t Think That I’ll Be Fully In Control Of My Actions.

Whether you are wandering through the forest, looking for a strange paranormal force that has only been spoken about in whispers, leading you to believe that it contains within it some strange power, a power that some have claimed leads to eternal life yet others claim darkens your very soul, the duality of these expectations oddly pulling you further and further into your investigation, as if the concept of the danger involved makes it all the more meaningful to you, akin to Kant’s idea of the Sublime, that if something is truly beautiful in the highest sense then there must be some form of clear and present danger, as if beauty cannot just come from stimulation but instead overstimulation, your senses taking in so much beauty that it is painful, a mirror to the Lovecraftian idea of the eldritch, that the true horror is something that we cannot stay sane once we see, perception being all, subjective, the outside world being at the mercy of evolved sense organs perceiving the world as such, the brain given a picture and no real way to confirm it, a picture sent first upside-down and then flipped to give you an idea of how ill-equipped it is to discern “truth,” if “truth” is a thing that exists outside of said brains in the first place

Or sitting at home screwing around on the internet, you’re going to need… uhh… I forgot. Was this an ad? Where was I just now? I saw a forest but then I was back in my room… was that a dream?

This episode of WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by this ice cream cone. I have this ice cream cone but I am deadly allergic to ice, so I need it to get it away from me immediately. If I touch ice, it gets into my blood and freezes it until my whole blood is ice blood. Please get this ice cream cone away from me. I know it’s not regular ice, but it’s called ice cream so that’s like milk ice or something right? I don’t know what happens if the frozen milk water gets into my blood and I don’t want to find out. Shit! It’s dripping. That drip almost got on me.

Will someone please buy this ice cream cone from me? The money will support the show and allow it to operate for as long and as in high a quality as—ah! It dripped again. Time is running out, both for me and for this ice cream cone. If you don’t buy it now-ah! Then there won’t be an ice cream cone to buy. The clock is ticking. Use code WOEBEGONE at checkout to get the bonus floor drippings for free.

Hi, it’s me: Mike Walters. You might remember me from such breakout roles as Mike Walters in the hit audiodrama WOE.BEGONE. I love reading ads, but I love keeping the show ad-free even more. That is why I come to you, hat in hand, to ask you to support the WOE.BEGONE Patreon. The president came to me and asked me to sell washing machines on my show, but I told him no. I won’t take your million dollars, sir. These people need me. They need my show. And none of them are in the market for a new washing machine. That’s something you only buy every once in a blue moon and maybe never if you’re renting. And then I morphed into an eagle and flew away.

Through your patronage, I have been able to offer more and more patron benefits. I just created a $10 tier where patrons get a bonus show of director’s commentary over episodes of WOE.BEGONE, starting with episode 1. Come listen to me say how much I think I’ve grown since that first episode and wonder if I’ve actually grown that much or if I still do some of the annoying things that I did back then. When we reach 500 patrons, I’ll do another bonus show where I do director’s commentaries on the director’s commentaries. It never has to end. I will never stop commenting. I am not a person, I am a character. I only exist as long as I am talking. The moment this recording ends, I will cease to exist until season 3 starts next week. What I do has already been decided and it was not decided by me. Never buy a washing machine again. Thanks to my first 10 patrons, who have been here since the beginning: Risky Coffee, Plumule, Edith Wharton, Cooper Dukes, Mira, Jason Li, Austin Sleeper, Ashley Moo, Justin Clavet, and Shannon M.

Season 3 of WOE.BEGONE starts next week. Thanks for playing.

[End theme.]

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