SUMMARY:

Learn to take a hint, Mike. If you leave a half dozen voicemails and they don’t call back, they don’t want to talk to you. Give it a rest. Are you even sure you’re dialing the right cabin?

[Warning: This episode contains a description of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

TRANSCRIPT:

[Hey guys, it’s been a wild week over at the WOE.BEGONE Patreon, patreon.com/woe_begone. We got the discord all sorted out and we are opening it up to everyone, with a special channel for patrons. Link in the description. Plus, the soundtrack album is out at woebegonepod.bandcamp.com. Plus, the $50 Patreon funding goal, a website for the show, is well underway. Plus, all of the other benefits of being a patron. All these pluses, feels like I’m in math class, am I right?

Thanks to: Risky Coffee, Plumule, Edith Wharton, Cooper Dukes, Jason Li, Mira, Austin Sleeper, Ashley Moo, Justin Clavet, Shannon M, Harrison Minnix, Mathew Robertson, Brendon Liner, Jenny Enciso, Elizabeth Kirkman, Paul S, Sophie, Weiing, Aaron Richardson, Sean McGettrick, Paul Harvey, S.R. Jenkins, and Daniel Jenkins for supporting the show. Enjoy.]

[Intro theme plays.]

[Automated voice]

You have reached the voicemail of cabin 44C. At the tone, please record your message.

[Beep]

“Hey, Hunter. This is Mike Walters. We met this morning. You showed me the ropes and stuff? Thought I would call and make sure that I understood how to dial the cabins. Might come in handy one day. The first guy that I called on accident was very patient while he explained to me that the last digit of the number corresponded to where the letter was on the number pad. I hadn’t had to do that in probably 15 years. Anyway, it was nice meeting you. I won’t keep you. Uhh… I guess that’s it? Buh-bye.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Hey again, Hunter. It’s Mike again. I was just looking through the field guide again and I have a question. I know that you don’t put too much stock in this thing, but I was reading over the button part again. If I’m not supposed to push the button for any reason, what do I do if there is a real emergency? Like if I get really hurt or find someone who is really hurt? Is there a number I can call? I’ve searched all through this thing and can’t find anything. I’m sure they don’t want us calling 911.

Uh! Well, I guess I can ask the person showing me the ropes today. I just heard her pull up. She’s early. Welp, gotta go. Sorry for wasting your time. Bye.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Hey Hunter. Just wanted to pop in and say hi again. I don’t have a lot of friends out here yet, so it’s important to get close to the ones that I do, right? I had my first patrol today. It was quite the experience. I wish I had known that Marissa was going to be the one teaching me so that I could’ve told you and you could have warned me what I was in for. I’m sure that my solo patrols won’t be anything like that. She’s a character, maybe a little too much of one for my taste. She yelled “get in, dipshit!” when I came out of the cabin after she pulled up to it. [Laughs] I had fun but now I’m completely worn out. You strike me as the type to feel the same way about her. Fun to be around but requires a nap afterwards.

I’m looking forward to my patrols being a lot quieter after that. And slow. I thought she was going to drive us into a ditch a couple times. I’m not sure who thought it was a good idea to give her a golf cart, but it does make things more interesting at least. I definitely trust her to take care of a threat, if there ever were any threat out here to take care of. Anyway, talk to you later.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Hey, Hunter. Did you hear the commotion last night? It must have been near your cabin. It sounded like a gunshot, but my cabin is a long way away from where it happened… by the sounds of it. Sounds echo really far across the valley. Hope you’re okay and not caught in the crossfire over there.

Sorry, shit. I didn’t even check to see what the time was. You’re definitely asleep. Maybe for my piece of mind give me a call when you wake up so I know you’re okay. Or we’ll talk at breakfast about it. I’m sure you’re okay. Just a worrier. Sorry. Bye.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Hey, Hunter. So, I’ve been thinking. I know this is stupid because I just got here and have barely got my feet wet with all of this O.V.E.R. stuff, but it’s good to always be working on getting to the next level, right? So, you’re pretty much a bigshot, at least from what I can tell. I’m not gossiping or spreading your business around or anything, but you are the only person I’ve met who can even go into a red flag cabin. Marissa can’t, Chance can’t, Shadow can’t. Or if they can then they lied to me about it. Maybe you would have told me that you can’t except that I saw you walk into one. They didn’t seem to know that you could either and I didn’t bring it up. Need to know information, right?

But I was just wondering: what’s the promotion path? Do I need to just keep my head down and work hard for a few months or do I need to find a way to show myself as a leader? How do I even do that? If I’m doing my job correctly, I basically don’t see anyone. If I really put my mind to it, I could spend my entire time here without ever even seeing someone. So how do I make a name for myself enough to get promoted and still do my job where if I do it right it’s like my little corner of Oldbrush Valley looks like it doesn’t even exist? I’m starting to like it out here and it would be nice if there was a way up the ladder and this wasn’t just a glorified vacation, if you know what I mean. Do you get to go inside the next level of security if you work hard enough and pass another security check? I’m rambling, I’ll catch you later. Bye.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Hey Hunter. Sorry that we keep playing phone tag. I’ve got a cellphone if texting is easier for you. It is for me, too, but also bringing up exchanging phone numbers always feels presumptuous no matter how close a friend I am to that person. Like “oh, why do you think that you need my number exactly?” I have friends that I’ve known for years that I still talk to across various online messengers instead of their actual phone number. So I’ve got those too if you’d rather chat there. I don’t like being tethered to the wall like this and I bet that you don’t either. It feels like the 90s but in a bad way. Most of the ways that things feel like the 90s are the bad way, honestly. I’m not ready for 90s nostalgia. Anyway, call me back. It’s nothing important.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

[In a more serious tone] “Call me back.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Hey Hunter. I don’t mean to pry. I mean, this really doesn’t seem like any of my business but if you hold on I’ll explain how this is my business. I saw you walking to your cabin today… I don’t know how to say this. I saw you walking to your cabin today with a woman– I’m not implying anything or saying that you shouldn’t– I’m putting my foot in my mouth. I’ll just say it. I think I know that woman? You were sort of far away and there’s no way that you know her too, but I won’t feel right until I ask and get an answer. I’ll look crazy if the answer is “no” but… is her name Anne? That’s such a longshot, but I think I know her and I was wondering how you know her. Are you the one who let her inside the gate? Let me know. But also you don’t have to answer any of those questions if you don’t feel comfortable? I guess? I know I’m being weird. Wish I could tell you why. If it sounds like something is up, that’s because it is. Was just hoping to learn how you know Anne. There can’t be any way that it’s her. What are the odds, right? Alright, bye.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Hey, Hunter. I saw her again and this time I know for sure that it was the Anne that I know. I don’t think she saw me. Maybe she did? She has to be here because she is looking for me, so of course she saw me. Even if she didn’t see me that time, she must have had her eyes on me this whole time. Look, Hunter. This is going to sound rude, but she’s here to get to me. Whatever she has been telling you is a lie. No offense. Well, maybe she’s not lying to you. Maybe she told you that she is here to murder me and you were cool with that. In which case, I do offer my offense, actually. But there’s the bombshell. She’s trying to kill me. I know she seems nice– she actually really is, this whole thing is a long story– but she will say or do anything to get to me and kill me. If she’s become acquainted with O.V.E.R. from hanging out with you, then she is using that knowledge to plan her attack on me.

I know this all sounds ridiculous but I can’t tell you why. Hunter, I know that we haven’t known each other long but you can trust me, right? I told you that I could trust you, didn’t I? There’s something big going on. Anne is part of it, too. I’m sure she hasn’t told you, either. I don’t know what she told you. If you knew what she was doing, you wouldn’t be around her. You wouldn’t let her get a visitor’s pass under your supervision. Anne and I got involved in this thing together and it got way out of hand and the novel that you’re seeing is the last paragraph of a novel and I’m trying to tell you in a voice message what the other 350 pages are about. If you knew, you wouldn’t have let her in. You wouldn’t–”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“You didn’t really get to hear the story after you called EMS. I could barely handle yes or no questions by the time you got to me and you weren’t around by the time I could speak in full sentences. So let me tell you what happened. I’ve been taking walks late at night to clear my head. One of the first nights, I was out walking and heard some rustling across from me on the path. Then I saw a light and heard an engine. It was Marissa in her golf cart, doing her night patrol. She approached the thing rustling in the garbage yelled “get out of here, you fucking bear” and then took a shot at it. I heard it yell out in pain, Hunter. It said “fuck.” I don’t know if Marissa knew that she was shooting a person, but she definitely did shoot a person. It took me some time to convince myself that I had seen what I had seen. I still haven’t figured out who it was or if Marissa was out to kill someone that night. She bragged all morning the next morning that she had shot a bear. If it were me and I had shot a person on purpose, I would keep it under wraps, but that’s just me. It’s possible that she didn’t hear him yell out in pain. I don’t know. I don’t know anyone’s motivations well enough to say what they would or wouldn’t do. But I wouldn’t be bragging about it in the cafeteria, just in case someone walked in all bandaged up from being shot the night before. You’re the only one I’ve told that I witnessed it and that I don’t think that it was a bear. I called you from the cabin and left a voicemail to make it seem like I had been home the whole time because I didn’t want to be discovered as a witness.

Regardless of Marissa’s intent, she evidently did not solve the actual bear problem, because I ran into the bear the next night. For a second, I thought that whoever was going through the garbage might be the bear that everybody thought they saw, but there was a real bear. It was as real as you or I. Here, it sounded like this: [insert bear sound]. I found that sound for a thing that I’m working on, an audio diary of what happened to me during the attack. It sounded just like that. I like how severely the sound clips in that sample, because that is how it felt being that close. When I downloaded it and played it at full volume it almost made me jump out of my chair. More sound than could possibly be processed by a human brain with two puny human ears. I didn’t know what to do so I curled up in a ball. I looked it up later and I think I did the right thing, at least according to some people on the internet. “If it’s black fight back, if it’s brown lie down, if it’s white say goodnight.” If you google that you’ll see that all the top results are from reddit, which indicates that it has been scientifically proven as true. The bear was going to make a midnight snack of me, then all of a sudden it was gone. You came out of your cabin awhile later, I have no idea how long. It felt like the lifetime, or at least the end of one. I was going to die on that dirt path in Oldbrush Valley.

I bring all of this up again to tell you that you are about to undo all of the salvation that you gifted to me. And I guess replace it with eternal salvation because you are going to get me killed. If there is such a thing as salvation and murderers get to partake in it. The whole murder angle is a story for another time, if you help me stay alive to another time in which I can tell you that story. I am not going to beam the story down to you from heaven or up from hell or… laterally??? from a nonexistent void. You have to keep me alive. You have to keep Anne from being able to get through the gate with a visitor’s pass. You’re going to get me killed.

I know you don’t understand. I know that she probably got close to you and told you that she’s a journalist. I know you don’t have the context to understand why I think she is trying to kill me. You’re the bear, Hunter Hartley. You’re the bear.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

[Singing] “Ol’ Brush Valley, I wonder what it is about that place / Ol’ Brush Valley, but since she left I haven’t shown my face / It’s a disgrace…”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Fine, Hunter. I don’t know why I’m playing coy about it. I’m playing a dangerous game. The Most Dangerous Game. Hunting man for sport has nothing on this. The consequences are extreme. That bear, the one you saved me from; It didn’t run off. It disappeared. Like it was never even there. Because it was never even there. We exist in a timeline where that bear was removed from existence before it could kill me. There is probably a timeline where it did kill me. The game has the power to do stuff like that. We are talking about the manipulation of time here. Remember when I told you that I thought that there was a time machine hidden within the central ring of security at O.V.E.R.? Well, I wasn’t kidding or even speculating. I have reason to believe that there is an actual time machine in there and that the people who instructed me to come here know about it and are trying to gain direct access to it.

I don’t know how much you know. I got it in my head that maybe you were playing too? Or involved in some way. If you are, I’m sure you’re listening to this and laughing at me. You’ve been suspicious ever since the first time I met you. It seems like there are two of you. When I saw you in the cabin– do you remember when I saw you in the cabin? – you acted like you had never met me before, even though we had just met. Did you come back in time to do classified stuff at O.V.E.R.? If you did, I know that you’re laughing at me, panicking and leaving 50 voicemails for you while you have been ahead of me in time and know how this shakes out for me, all the while there is nothing that I can do about it. But even if you did get access to the WOE.BEGONE machine, you might not even know yet. The Hunter that I’m talking to might not have started making those decisions yet. Have you ever seen yourself, just walking around? I don’t even know if I would recognize myself from a distance if I was just walking around. It’s not what I would expect, so I’d probably not notice. My brain would subconsciously eliminate that possibility and I wouldn’t be any the wiser. Keep an eye out for yourself, is what I’m saying. Maybe study a picture of yourself.

Anne is playing this game, too. The game is made up of challenges. The first challenge she did resulted in me being brought back to life. There are some challenges in between– that’s where the story about me committing murders happened– then her fourth challenge is to kill me, her reward for completing the first challenge. That’s why she’s here. That’s what she wants from you. She wants you to lead her to me. She’s biding her time, making sure that she can get in and out, undetected. You lose the game if you die, at least if there’s no one willing to enter the game to use its technology to bring you back to life. You lose the prize if you lose the game. It’s complicated. Well, it’s not complicated, but it is a paradox. Well, it’s not a really a paradox, it’s more like a lose-lose situation for me.

Remember the story I told you about why I came to O.V.E.R.? I think I said something about needing to get away from my old life, but in a much more anodyne way that didn’t suggest that it was because I was running away from someone who was trying to murder me. Well, the game got me the job at O.V.E.R. They made me apply for it and fixed it so that I could easily get the job. There was no way that I could pass a security clearance otherwise. I don’t know if I’m the only one or if there are more of us, but it seems like the gamerunners want me to uncover something that pertains to the game. The gamerunner that I met doesn’t have direct control of the technology that makes the game possible, so my best guess is that that’s what is being held here at O.V.E.R.

They want me to get to the time machine for them. They even tasked me with [hesitant] ugh, fine. They tasked me with stealing that envelope that you dropped off that one day that we walked together. I snuck back to the dropbox at night and stole it out of there and took pictures of the contents for them. That’s why I was outside to witness Melissa shooting a guy and why I hid when she came barreling down the path. I was stealing the envelope. I shouldn’t tell you that, but I’m so much more fucked by the rest of this than I am by the envelope stuff so who cares.

Maybe Anne wants something from you too, if you’re playing? Or if you’re going to play? What has she been asking you about? Have you told her anything that you know about O.V.E.R. or what you think is going on here? She’s trying to get information to the gamerunners, too. Maybe she’s here to replace me. Kill me to complete her fourth challenge and just slot in like nothing ever happened. That way she could advance in the game and the gamerunners wouldn’t lose anyone on the inside. That fits the gamerunners’ MO entirely, too. An entertaining spectacle for them that doesn’t get in the way of achieving their main goal. Don’t tell her anything. Please. I can’t be replaceable.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

[Knocking sound.] “Goddammit, Hunter. Goddammit, goddammit, goddammit. I assume you can hear that sound over the receiver. I peaked out the window and it’s her. [Yelling away from receiver.] I’m on the phone and I’m letting everyone know that if they find my corpse tonight that it’s Anne that killed me! You don’t stand a chance of getting out of this one, so just leave me the fuck alone, Anne! You’re not finishing the challenge tonight. You’ll lose the game in jail. So rude to make so much noise while I am trying to talk on the phone! Some people, I tell you, Hunter.

Hunter, are you in your cabin? Maybe you’re just listening because you don’t want to talk to me so you didn’t pick up, but if you’re in your cabin then I know you can hear me. Thank god for old technology that plays the answering machine message while it’s coming in. Come… get her I guess? Get over here and help me. I’m fresh out of composure. She’s going to fucking kill me, Hunter. I don’t know why you won’t pick up the phone. I hate talking on the phone, too, but I pick it up if it becomes clear that there is an emergency. This is an emergency, Hunter. You hear her knocking, right? Why would she be knocking on the door unless she knew me and wanted me to open the door? See, I wasn’t just making it up. She really knows me. And why would I lie about any of the rest of it if I wasn’t lying about the door? Why are you doing this to me?”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“Did she remove the speaker from your answering machine?”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“I’m going to tell Marissa. I’m going to tell Chance and Shadow. They’ll protect me. They’ll protect me from the death that you are bringing down upon me. Mark my words, you are making the biggest mistake that you have ever made. You are going to get me killed. You’re going to have to live the rest of your life letting that fact make you miserable. Ask me how I know.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

[Crying noises.]

[Beep]

[Beep]

“You keep… letting her in… the gate…”

[Beep]

[Beep]

[Exasperated sigh.] I… I give up. They thought that I was having a break with reality. “It’s okay, Mike, calm down. We don’t even know who you’re talking about. We haven’t seen this woman. It gets weird out here, especially at night. All of us are too alone too often. We see things that aren’t there all the time, too.” No, Chance, I appreciate your concern, but I am more firmly grounded in reality than I’d like to be. Thankfully they all agreed not to report this breakdown to anybody higher up. There are psych counseling services at O.V.E.R. but I’m sure you know that actually trying to use them is a one-way ticket out of here. Hunter, you are going to get me killed. I still have no idea if you know it yet or not.

But I know when I’ve lost a fight. I don’t know why I lost this fight because I have yet to successfully hear back from you since all of this started happening. I don’t know if you betrayed me, or if you are part of this too and I was a fool to try and reach out to you at all, or if you have been manipulated against me, or if you just aren’t getting these messages for some reason. What if I die because you’re lazy about checking your voice messages? Regardless, I have lost.

This can’t keep going on. I can’t keep living like this. Literally, I cannot keep living like this. I’m going to slip up eventually and Anne is going to have an opportunity to kill me and she is going to take it. She’s got this thing too figured out for that to not eventually happen. I am a dead man walking. I can’t just leave either. The gamerunners love the toy with their players and running away has a high likelihood of rendering me a corpse, just as much as staying here does. I put so much work into WOE.BEGONE. So much blood, my own blood and the blood of anyone unlucky enough to get in my way. Matt’s blood. I cut my arm off. I cut off my hands. I got mauled by a bear. You would think that the sunk costs would eventually pile up on the bottom of the ocean, but they haven’t. Each one pitched into the same wet, heavy darkness as the last. Paying and paying and paying, with no one to receive the payment from me.

I’m ready for it to be over. I don’t want to be ambushed out of nowhere and left dead in a ditch. If it’s going to happen, I want to be able to have some control over it. Anne, if you’re listening to this. It’s time. Please leave Hunter alone from here on out. Come to the cabin. I’m ready.”

[Beep]

[Beep]

“I changed my mind. I changed my mind. I changed my fucking mind.” [Knocking sound.]

[Beep]

[Beep]

“You must not know. This wouldn’t be happening if you knew. I keep telling myself this because I need to hear it. I’ve long since given up on you ever hearing these voicemails. You must not have access to them for some reason. You must have been convinced by her that she’s here for some morally upstanding reason. I bet that she told you that she’s a journalist, because she is. A journalist working on a story about the history and the present of Oldbrush Valley, a mysterious place from the beginning of time until now. I’ve done some research on it myself, it’s always been an interesting place– and it’s always been a place to covertly bury a body. She’s as close to the source as you can get and still be able to write a story about it. Anything you see in this ring of security isn’t strictly classified. Starring Hunter Hartley, the charismatic security guard that has been here through thick and thin and has seen everything that there is to see here and then some.

But that’s not what’s happening. Well, that could be what’s happening. Anne could be getting a completed challenge and a compelling thinkpiece out of this. Her craftiness is why I’m alive in the first place. But it’s not all she’s doing. I know that you’re not brainwashed. It’s not like Anne has magical powers. So what’s going on?

You know that she’s not actually from around here, right? I found her dummy Facebook account that she used to friend you, to figure out the inside of O.V.E.R. and to make your acquaintance. If she hadn’t made a dummy account, then you would either have noticed that I was on her friends like orshe would have had to remove me, in which case I would know that something was up before it was her time to strike. There are lies all over that account. She said she’s, let’s see… 27? Anne, if you’re going to lie about your age, pick another number that is low enough to carry a different connotation than the age you really are. I could understand if you were 30, but 29 and 27 are basically the same age. Nobody treats 29 year olds differently than they do 27 year olds.

I have to believe that you aren’t getting these messages. Either they are being intercepted before they can be delivered (I could see O.V.E.R. doing that), or your answering machine has been tampered with, or you just don’t ever check your machine. But you don’t seem like the type to never check your machine. You are the one that told me to call you. You’re the one that taught me how to call the cabins in the first place. The Hunter Jeremiah Hartley that I know wouldn’t let this all happen without at least responding in some way. I guess it all boils down to how much the Hunter Jeremiah Hartley that I know lines up with the genuine article.

I’m coming over. I know that it’s already dark and you might already be asleep, but I’m heading over there, so be prepared. Either you don’t know what’s going on and you will be aghast when I tell you and help me get to the bottom of this, or you’ve known this whole time and I am walking to my death, in which case I was fucked anyway. I’ve been “fucked anyway” ever since I started playing WOE.BEGONE. I’ve been “fucked anyway” my whole life– okay, Mike, that’s a bit of an overstatement. I got angry and excited and caught up in the situation. But I played the game wrong, I let too many liabilities interfere with my strategy, and now I’m just a king hopping around hoping that at some point I’ll accidentally barge my way into a stalemate, knowing that it would require a significant error on the other player’s side.

But, regardless, I’m coming over. Right now. This ends tonight.”

[Beep]

[End theme plays.]