SUMMARY:

Learn to take a hint, Mike. If you leave a half dozen voicemails and they don’t call back, they don’t want to talk to you. Give it a rest. Are you even sure you’re dialing the right cabin?

[Warning: This episode contains a description of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

TRANSCRIPT:

Original transcript edited by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 17.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. It’s been a wild week over at the WOE.BEGONE Patreon. patreon.com/woe_begone? Maybe you’ve heard of it? We got the Discord all sorted out, and we’re opening it up to everyone. Link in the description. Plus, the soundtrack album is out at woebegonepod.bandcamp.com. Plus, the $50 Patreon funding goal, a website for the show, is well underway. Plus, all of the other benefits of being a patron. All these pluses, feels like I’m in math class. Am I right? Speaking of patrons, thanks to [REDACTED] for supporting the show. En joie.

[Opening theme plays.]

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have reached the voicemail of Cabin 44C. At the tone, please record your message.

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey, Hunter. This is Mike Walters. We met this morning? You showed me the ropes and stuff? I thought I’d call and make sure that I understood how to dial the cabins. Might come in handy one day. The first guy that I called on accident was very patient while he explained to me that the last digit of the number corresponded to where the letter was on the number pad? I hadn’t had to do that in, like, 15 years. Anyway, it was, uh… nice meeting you. I won’t… keep you. I guess that’s… it? Mm-bye.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey again, Hunter. It’s Mike a-again. I was just looking through the field guide, and I have a question. I know you said that you don’t put too much stock in this thing, but I was reading over the button part again? If I’m not supposed to push the button for any reason, what do I do if there is a real emergency? Like if I get really hurt or find someone who is really hurt? Is there a number that I can call or something? I’ve searched all through this thing, and I can’t find anything like that. I know they don’t want us calling 911.

Oh! Well, I guess I can ask the person showing me the ropes today. I just heard her pull up. She’s early. Welp, gotta go. Sorry for wasting your time. Mm-bye.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey, Hunter. Just wanted to pop in and say hi again. I don’t have a lot of friends out here yet, so it’s important to get close to the ones that I do, right? I had my first patrol today. It was quite the experience. I wish I had known that Marissa was going to be the one teaching me so that I could’ve told you, and you could have warned me what I was in for. I know that my solo patrols won’t be anything like that. She’s a character, maybe a little too much of one for my taste? She yelled, “Get in, dipshit!” when I came out of the cabin after she pulled up to it. I had fun, but now I’m completely worn out. You strike me as the type to feel that way about her. Fun to be around, but requires a nap afterwards?

I’m looking forward to my patrols being a lot quieter after that. And slower. I thought she was gonna drive us into the ditch a couple times. I’m not sure who thought it was a good idea to give her a golf cart, but it does make things more interesting. I definitely trust her to take care of a threat, if there was ever a threat out there to take care of. Anyway, talk to you later.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey, Hunter. Did you hear all that commotion? It sounded like a gunshot, but my cabin’s a long way away from where it happened, and uh… by the sounds of it, I mean, a long way away. Sounds echo really far across the valley. I hope you’re okay and not caught in the crossfire over there.

…Sorry, s-shit. I didn’t even check to see what time it was. You’re definitely asleep. Maybe for my peace of mind, give me a call when you wake up so I know you’re okay? Or we’ll just talk at breakfast about it; I’m sure you’re fine. I’m– I-I’m just a worrier. Okay. Mm-bye.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey, Hunter. So, I’ve been thinking. I know this is stupid because I just got here, and I’ve barely got my feet wet with all of this O.V.E.R. stuff, but it’s… good to be always working on getting to the next level… right? So, you’re pretty much a bigshot, from what I can tell. I’m not… gossiping or spreading your business around or anything. But you’re the only person I’ve met who can even go into a red flag cabin. Marissa can’t, Chance can’t, Shadow can’t. Or, if they can, then they lied to me about it? Maybe you would have lied to me, too, if I didn’t see you walk into one? They didn’t seem to know that you could either, and I didn’t bring it up. Need-to-know information, right?

But, anyway, I was wondering… what’s the promotion path like? Do I need to just keep my head down and work hard for a few months, or do I need to find a way to show myself, like, as a leader? How do I even do that? If I’m doing my job correctly, I basically don’t see anyone. If I really put my mind to it, I could spend my entire time here without ever even seeing someone. So how do I make a name for myself enough to get promoted, and still do my job where, if I do it right, it’s like my little corner of Oldbrush Valley looks like it doesn’t even exist? I’m actually starting to like it out here, and it would be… nice if there was a way up the ladder and this wasn’t just a glorified vacation, if you know what I mean? Do you get to go inside the next level of security if you work hard enough and pass another security check? I’m… rambling, I’ll catch you later. Mm. Bye.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey, Hunter. Sorry that we keep playing phone tag. I’ve got a cellphone, you know, if texting is easier for you? It is for me, too, but also bringing up exchanging phone numbers always feels presumptuous no matter how close a friend I am to that person. Like they’re gonna say, “Oh, why do you think you need my number exactly?” I have friends that I’ve known for years that I still talk to across various online messengers instead of their actual phone numbers? So I’ve got those, too, if you wanna chat there. I don’t like being tethered to the wall like this, and I bet that you don’t either. It feels like the 90s but in a bad way? Most of the ways that things feel like the 90s are bad, honestly. I’m not ready for 90s nostalgia. Anyway– Call me back. It’s nothing important.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE [serious]: Call me back.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey, Hunter. I don’t mean to pry. [Rushes.] I mean, this really doesn’t seem like any of my business, but if you hold on, I’ll explain why I’m talking so fast. I saw you walking to your cabin today… [Slows down.] I don’t know how to say this. I saw you walking to your cabin today with a w-woman…? I’m not implying anything. Or, I-I’m not saying that you s-shouldn’t, if– for what I was imp– I’m putting my foot in my mouth. I’ll just say it. I think I know that woman? You were sort of far away, and there’s no way that you know her, too, but… I won’t feel right until I ask and get an answer. I’ll look crazy if the answer is “no” but… is her name… Anne? That’s such a longshot, but I think I know her, and I was wondering how you know her. Are you the one who let her inside the gate? Let me know. But also you don’t have to answer any of those questions if they make you uncomfortable? I guess? [Sighs.] I know I’m being weird. I wish I could tell you why. If it sounds like something is up, that’s because it is. I was just hoping to learn how you know Anne. There can’t be any way that that’s her. What are the odds, right? [Huffs.] Anyway, bye.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Hey, Hunter. I saw her again, and this time I know for sure that it was the Anne that I know. I don’t think she saw me. Maybe she did? She has to be here because she’s looking for me, so of course she saw me. Even if she didn’t see me that time, she must have had her eyes on me this whole time. L-Look, Hunter. This is going to sound… rude, but she’s here to get to me. Whatever she’s been telling you is a lie. No offense. Well, maybe she’s not lying to you. Maybe she told you that she’s here to murder me, and you were cool with that. In which case, I actually do offer my whole offense, actually. But… there’s the bombshell, Hunter. She’s trying to kill me. I know she seems nice. She… She actually really is? This whole thing is such a long story. But she will say or do anything to get to me and kill me. If she’s become acquainted with O.V.E.R. from hanging out with you, then she’s using that knowledge to plan her attack on me.

I know this all sounds ridiculous, and I can’t tell you why. Hunter, I know that we haven’t known each other long, but… you can trust me, right? I-I told you that I could trust you, didn’t I? There’s something big going on. Anne’s part of it, too. I’m sure she hasn’t told you, either. I don’t know what she’s told you. If you knew what she was doing, you wouldn’t be around her. You wouldn’t let her get a visitor’s pass under your supervision. Anne and I got involved in this thing together, and it got way out of hand, and the story that you are seeing is the last paragraph of a novel, and I’m trying to tell you what the other 350 pages are about over the phone. If you knew, you wouldn’t have let her in. You wouldn’t–

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: You didn’t really get to hear the story after you called EMS. I could barely handle yes or no questions by the time you got to me, and you weren’t around by the time I could speak in full sentences, so… let me tell you what happened. I’ve been taking walks late at night to clear my head? One of the first nights, I was out walking, and heard some rustling across from me on the path. Then I saw a light and heard an engine. It was Marissa in her golf cart, doing her night patrol. She approached the thing rustling in the garbage, and yelled, “Get out of here, you fucking bear,” and then took a shot at it. I heard it yell out in pain, Hunter. It said, “Fuck.” I don’t know if Marissa knew that she was shooting a person, but she definitely did shoot a person. It took me some time to convince myself that that’s what I saw. I still haven’t figured out who it was, or if Marissa was out to kill someone that night. She bragged all morning the next morning that she had shot a bear. If it were me and I had shot a person on purpose, I would keep it under wraps, but that’s just me. I’m built different. It’s possible that she didn’t hear him yell out in pain, and didn’t recognize that it was a person? I don’t know. I don’t know anyone’s motivations well enough to say what they would or wouldn’t do. But I wouldn’t be bragging about it in the cafeteria. I mean, just in case someone walked in all bandaged up from being shot the night before. You’re the only one I’ve told that I witnessed it, and… I don’t think it was a bear. I called you from the cabin and left a voicemail to make it seem like I had been home the whole time because I didn’t want to be discovered as a witness.

Regardless of Marissa’s intent, she evidently did not solve the actual bear problem, because, as you know, I ran into the bear the next night. Until then, I thought that whoever was going through the garbage might’ve been the bear that everybody thought they saw, but there was a real bear. It was as real as you or I. Here, it sounded like this: [Bear sound.]. [Brief laugh.] I found that sound for a thing that I’m working on, an audio diary, sort of, of what happened to me during the attack? It sounded just like that. It sounds sort of crummy, but I like how severely the sound clips in that sample, because that’s how it felt being that close. When I downloaded it and played it at full volume, it almost made me jump out of my chair. It’s more sound than could possibly be processed by a human brain with two puny human ears. I didn’t know what to do, so I curled up into a ball. I looked it up later, and I think that was the right thing to do, at least according to some people on the Internet? There’s a rhyming piece about bears that goes: “If it’s black, fight back; if it’s brown, lie down; if it’s white, say goodnight.” If you google that, you’ll see that all the top results are from Reddit, which indicates that it’s been scientifically proven to be true. The bear was going to make a midnight snack of me, then all of a sudden it was gone. You came out of your cabin a while later, I have no idea how long. It felt like a lifetime, or at least the end of one? I knew that I was going to die on that dirt path in Oldbrush Valley.

I bring all of this up again to tell you that you are about to undo that salvation that you gifted to me? And I guess replace it with eternal salvation, because you’re going to get me killed, Hunter. If there’s such a thing as salvation and murderers get to partake in it, I’m headed there. The whole murder angle is a story for another time. If you help me stay alive to another time where I can tell you the story. I’m not going to beam the story down to you from heaven or up from hell or… laterally? From a nonexistent void? You have to keep me alive. You have to keep Anne from being able to get through the gate with a fucking visitor’s pass. You’re gonna get me killed.

Look, I know you don’t understand. I know that she probably got close to you, and she told you that she’s a journalist. I know that you don’t have the context to understand why I think she is trying to kill me. But… y-you’re the bear, Hunter Hartley. You’re the bear.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE [singing]: Ol’ Brush Valley, I wonder what it is about that place / Ol’ Brush Valley, but since she left I haven’t shown my face / It’s a disgrace…

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Fine. Hunter. I don’t know why I’m being coy about it. I’m playing a dangerous game. The Most Dangerous Game, actually. Hunting man for sport has nothing on this. This is hunting man for sport: bonus edition. The consequences are extreme. That bear, the one you saved me from? It didn’t run off, it disappeared. Like it-was-never-even-there disappeared. Because it was never even there. We exist in a timeline where that bear was moved out of existence before it could kill me. I mean, there probably is a timeline where it did kill me. The game has the power to do stuff like that. We’re talking about the manipulation of time here. Remember when I told you that I thought that there was a time machine hidden within the central ring of security at O.V.E.R.? Well, I wasn’t kidding, and I wasn’t speculating. I have reason to believe that there’s an actual time machine in there, and that the people who instructed me to come here know about it, and are trying to gain direct access to it.

I don’t know how much you know. I got it in my head that maybe you were playing, too? Or involved somehow? If you are, I know that you’re listening to this and laughing at me. You’ve been suspicious ever since the first time I met you. It seems like there are two of you. When I saw you in the cabin, (do you remember when I saw you in the cabin?), you acted like you had never met me before, even though we had just met. Did you come back in time to do classified stuff at O.V.E.R.? If you did, then I know that you’re laughing at me, panicking and leaving 50 voicemails for you while you’ve been ahead of me in time and know how this shakes out, all the while there’s nothing that I can do about it. But even if you did get access to the WOE.BEGONE machine, you might not even know yet. The Hunter that I’m talking to might not have started making those decisions yet. Have you ever seen… yourself? Like just walking around? I don’t even know if I would recognize myself from a distance if I was just walking around. It’s not what I would expect, so I probably wouldn’t even notice. My brain would probably just eliminate that possibility, and I wouldn’t be any the wiser. Keep an eye out for yourself, is what I’m saying. Maybe study a picture?

So Anne’s playing this game, too. The game is made up of challenges. The first challenge she did resulted in me being brought back to life. There are some challenges in between, which is where the story about me committing murders happened, then her fourth challenge is to kill me, her reward for completing the first challenge. That’s why she’s here. That’s what she wants from you. She wants you to lead her to me. …She’s biding her time, making sure that she can get in and out of O.V.E.R., undetected. You lose the game if you die or go to jail, at least if there’s no one willing to enter the game to use its technology to bring you back. You lose the prize if you lose the game. It’s complicated. Well, it’s not complicated… but it is a paradox. [Huffs.] Well, it’s not really a paradox? It’s more like it’s a lose-lose situation for me?

Remember the story I told you about why I came to O.V.E.R.? I think I said something about needing to get away from my old life, but in a much more anodyne way that didn’t suggest that it was because I was running away from a murderer? Well, the game got me the job at O.V.E.R. They made me apply for it and fixed it so that I could easily get the job. There was no way that I could pass a security clearance otherwise. I don’t know if I’m the only one or if there are more of us, but it seems like the gamerunners want me to uncover something that pertains to the game. The gamerunner that I met doesn’t have direct control of the technology, so my best guess is that’s what’s being held here at O.V.E.R and what they’re trying to get me to find.

They want me to find a time machine for them. They even tasked me with… Ugh, fine. They tasked me with stealing that envelope that you dropped off that one day that we walked together? I snuck back to the dropbox at night, and stole it out of there, and took pictures of the contents for them. That’s why I was outside to witness Melissa shooting a guy, and that’s why I hid when she came barreling down the path. I was stealing the envelope. I shouldn’t tell you that, but I’m so much more fucked by the rest of this than I am by the envelope stuff, so who cares.

Maybe Anne wants something from you, too, if you’re playing? Or if you’re going to play? What has she been asking you about? Have you told her anything about O.V.E.R., or what you think is going on here? She’s trying to get information to the gamerunners, too. Maybe she’s here to replace me. Kill me to complete her fourth challenge, and then just slot in like nothing ever happened. That way she could advance in the game, and the gamerunners wouldn’t lose anyone on the inside. That fits the gamerunners’ MO. An entertaining spectacle for them that doesn’t get in the way of them achieving their main goal. Don’t tell her anything. Please. Please. I can’t be replaceable. I can’t be replaceable, or they’ll replace me.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

[Knocking sound starts.]

MIKE: Goddammit, Hunter. Goddammit, goddammit, goddammit. I assume you can hear that sound over the receiver. I peaked out the window, and it’s her. [Yelling away from receiver.] I’m on the phone! I’m letting everyone know that if you find my corpse tonight that it’s Anne that killed me! You don’t stand a chance of getting out of this one, so just leave me the fuck alone, Anne! You’re not finishing the challenge tonight. You’ll lose the game in jail. So rude to make so much noise while I am trying to talk to someone on the phone! …Some people, I tell you, Hunter.

[Knocking stops.]

Are you in your cabin? Maybe you’re just listening because you don’t want to talk to me, so you didn’t pick up, but if you’re in your cabin, then I know you can hear me. Thank god for old technology that plays the answering machine message while it’s coming in. [Knocking resumes.] Come… get her, I guess? Get over here, and help me. I’m fresh out of composure. She’s gonna fucking kill me, Hunter. I don’t know why you won’t pick up the phone. I hate talking on the phone, too, but I pick it up if I think there’s an emergency. This is an emergency, Hunter. …You hear her knocking, right? Why would she be knocking on the door unless she knew me, and wanted me to open the door? See, I wasn’t just making it up. She really knows me. And why would I lie about any of the rest of it if I wasn’t lying about that? [Knocking stops.] …Why are you doing this to me?

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: Did she remove the speaker from your answering machine?

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: I’m going to tell Marissa. I’m gonna tell Chance and Shadow. They’ll protect me. They’ll protect me from the death that you’re bringing down upon me. Mark my words, you are making the biggest mistake that you have ever made. You are going to get me killed. You’re going to have to live the rest of your life letting that fact make you miserable. Ask me how I know.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: [Distressed breathing.]

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: You keep… letting her in… the gate…

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: [Exasperated sigh.] I give up. They thought that I was having a break with reality. “It’s okay, Mike, calm down. We don’t even know who you’re talking about. We haven’t seen this woman. It gets weird out here, especially at night. All of us are too alone too often. We all see things that aren’t there, too.” No, Chance. I appreciate your concern, but I am more firmly grounded in reality than I’d like to be. Thankfully, they all agreed not to report this breakdown to anybody higher up. There are psych counseling services at O.V.E.R., but I’m sure you know that actually trying to use them is a one-way ticket out of here. Hunter… I can’t reiterate enough that you are gonna get me killed. I still have no idea if you know it yet or not. But I know when I’ve lost a fight. I… don’t know why I lost this fight, because I’ve yet to successfully hear back from you since all of this started happening. I don’t know if you betrayed me, or if you’re part of this, too, and I was a fool to try to reach out to you at all, or if you’ve been manipulated against me, or if you just aren’t getting these messages for some reason. [Scoffs.] What if I die because you’re lazy about checking your voice messages? Anyway, I lost.

This can’t keep going on. I can’t keep living like this. Literally, I’m gonna slip up eventually, and Anne is going to have an opportunity to kill me, and she is going to take it. She’s got this thing too figured out for that to not eventually happen. I’m a dead man walking. And I can’t just leave either. The gamerunners love to toy with their players, and running away has a high likelihood of rendering me as a corpse, just as much as staying here does. I put so much work into WOE.BEGONE. So much blood. My own blood, and the blood of anyone unlucky enough to get in my way. Matt’s blood. I cut my arm off. I cut off my hands. I got mauled by a bear. …You would think that the sunk costs would eventually pile up on the bottom of the ocean, but… they haven’t. Each one pitched into the same wet, heavy darkness as the last. Paying and paying and paying, with no one to receive the payment from me.

I’m ready for it to be over. I don’t wanna be ambushed out of nowhere, and then left dead in a ditch. Like that guy that you saw when you were starting out here. If it’s gonna happen, I want some control over it. Anne, if you’re listening to this, it’s time. …Please leave Hunter alone. Come to the cabin… I’m ready.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: I changed my mind. I changed my mind! I changed my fucking mind.

[Beep.]

[Beep.]

MIKE: You must not know. You must not know. This wouldn’t be happening if you knew. I keep telling myself this, because I need to hear it. I’ve long since given up on you ever hearing these voicemails. You must not have access to them for some reason; you must have been convinced by her that she’s here for some morally upstanding reason. I bet that she told you that she’s a journalist, because… she is. A journalist working on a story about the history and the present of Oldbrush Valley, a mysterious place from the beginning of time ’til now. I’ve done some research on it myself, and it’s always been an interesting place… and it’s always been a place to bury a body. She’s as close to the source as you can get and still be able to write a story about it. Anything you see in this ring of security isn’t strictly classified. Starring Hunter Hartley, the charismatic security guard that’s been here through thick and thin, and has seen everything that there is to see here, and then some.

But that’s not what’s happening. Well, that could be what’s happening. Anne could be getting a completed challenge and a compelling thinkpiece out of this. Her craftiness is why I’m alive in the first place. But it’s not… all she’s doing. I know you’re not brainwashed. It’s not like Anne has magical powers, so… what’s going on?

You know that she’s not actually from around here, right? I found her dummy Facebook account that she used to friend you, to figure out the inside of O.V.E.R. and to make your acquaintance. If she hadn’t made a dummy account, then you would either have noticed that I was on her friends list, or she would have had to remove me, in which case I would know that something was up before it was her time to strike. There are lies all over that account. She said she’s… let’s see here… 27? Anne, if you’re gonna lie about your age, pick another number that’s low enough to carry a different connotation than the age you really are. Like, I could understand if you were 30, but 29 and 27 are the same age. Nobody treats 29-year-olds differently than they treat 27-year-olds.

I– I have to believe that you aren’t getting these messages. Either they are being intercepted before they can be delivered (I could see O.V.E.R. doing that), or your answering machine (maybe it was tampered with?), or you just don’t ever check your machine. But you don’t seem like the type to never check your machine. You’re the one that told me to call you. You’re the one that taught me how to call the cabins in the first place. The Hunter Jeremiah Hartley that I know wouldn’t let this all happen. [Sighs.] I guess it all boils down to how much the Hunter Jeremiah Hartley that I know lines up with the genuine article.

…I’m coming over. I know that it’s already dark, and you might already be asleep, but I’m heading over there, so get prepared. Either you don’t know what’s going on, and you’ll be aghast when I tell you and help me get to the bottom of it, or you’ve known this whole time, and I am walking to my death, in which case I was fucked anyway. I’ve been “fucked anyway” since I started playing WOE.BEGONE. I’ve been “fucked anyway” my whole life. …Okay, Mike, that’s a bit of an overstatement. I got angry and excited and caught up in the situation, but… I played the game wrong. I let too many liabilities interfere with my strategy, and now I’m just a king hopping around, hoping that at some point I’ll accidentally barge my way into a stalemate, knowing that it would require a significant error on the other player’s side.

But, regardless… I’m coming over. Right now. This ends tonight.

… [Beep.]

[Closing theme plays.]

[END Episode 17.]