And now, a word from our sponsors.
[Ads are better when they are parodies. Support the show on Patreon. Go to patreon.com/woe_begone to get early access to episodes, instrumentals, extra art, music, writing, and more. Thanks to Risky Coffee, Plumule, Edith Wharton, Cooper Dukes, Mira, Jason Li, Austin Sleeper, Ashley Moo, Justin Clavet, and Sheer for supporting the show.]
After the break, Oldbrush Valley. But first, a word from our sponsors:
If you’re like me, you’ve never actually been outside but spend all of your time trying to imagine what nature might be like. And to do that you need sock. Bombas Sock. It is durable sock that can be worn all day and the sock will never blister or bleed. I sit in sock and put together podcast and it are such well sock. Sign up now on bombassock.net.gov/sock using offer code WOEBEGONE and get $50 off your first order over $4,000. For every sock you purchase, we throw one in the garbage can so that Oscar the Grounch can also have sock. Bombas Sock: For When You Need Sock.
If you’re anything like me, you always need to send pigeon skulls to Greg in Detroit. Always. Up to 35 times a day, you need him to get those skulls and get them ASAP. That’s why you need Tubes.org. Tubes.org will install a pneumatic tube running from your skull room, directly to Greg’s house. No more waiting at the post office, worried that the skulls will be late. There are consequences when the skulls are late.With Tubes.org, you don’t even have to leave your house. Use offer code WOEBEGONE and get 20% off your first 300 miles of pneumatic tubing. Tubes.org: Greg, you’re getting those pigeon skulls god dammit.
Before Squarespace, I used to make a lot of websites. Now, with Squarespace’s simple setup and lack of things to update, patch, or download, no one comes to me to build them a website. They just build their own. Fuck you, Squarespace. You demolished a whole industry so that every jackass with an idea can have a landing page that looks exactly the same as all landing pages. You eradicated my job. Now I have to make podcasts. Enter offer code WOEBEGONE at Squarespace.com to take some food out of the mouth of a web designer. Squarespace: It’s For Any Old Slob I Guess.
A lot of people ask me: “Nic, you built a pretty interesting world with fun ideas to explore and then pretty much squandered it by making your main character an incurious moron and making really lazy plot decisions. How do you sleep at night?” I sleep at night on a Casper Mattress. Casper Mattresses are delivered to your door and you have 90 days to decide whether or not to keep it. If your new Casper Mattress doesn’t quiet those thoughts that oh god I ruined the one good thing I’ve made, most of my fans are disappointed in me, the subreddit is a hellhole, people are writing snarky fanfiction about me oh god oh god, then you can return it free of charge. Use offer code TANIS to get 10% off your mattress and quiet those thoughts in my head just a bit. Casper: When You’re Here, You’re Family.
Where we’re going, you don’t need audiobooks. There is an infinity of gore and horror on the path to transcendent beauty and longevity, and Audible.com will only get in the way. If you had access to their tens of thousands of audiobooks and other publications, you would never win WOE.BEGONE. That’s good because I am going to win WOE.BEGONE and I don’t want any new competition. Whether you are tricking a gamerunner into thinking that you are out of town so you can catch them by surprise and beat them with an iron rod, or having your entrails removed by a double of yourself, you’ll probably be too busy to want to listen to a silly little audiobook. Use offer code WOEBEGONE at Audible.com or text “GAMERUNNER” to 885160254922500555488 to get a free month of service. Don’t play WOE.BEGONE. I am going to win WOE.BEGONE. If you start playing the game, I will locate you and your game session will end one way or another. Audible.com: I’m Fucking Serious.
As you might already know, I used to make [you hit the “forward 15 seconds” button] Squarespace. With its easy [skip] you never have to worry about jars of piss [skip] upgrade anything ever. With Squarespace’s easy-to-use [skip] bleeding from your eyes into the still pool of water [skip] Just go [skip] and I won’t make you drink it, enter offer code [skip] very salty.
If you are frustrated with WOE.BEGONE, you’ll hate DOGCATCHER. When Pat Anselmo [skip] his lost friend [skip] shoved, still alive, into a meat grinder [skip] A 5-star review on iTunes called it “I fell asleep listening but the music was pretty good.” A 1-star review on iTunes called it “Lost meets Ready Player One.” [skip] It’s like radio for your phone.
Hi there. I’m Mike Walters: podcast host, soundtrack composer, eyebrows man. We’ve had a lot of fun here tonight. But you know what’s not fun? Actual podcast ad reads. As the voice of a horror podcast, I like to think that I am more familiar with dread than the average guy. I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out how to best explain and convey dread to a wide audience. But there is nothing that I can say that can rival the dread of a podcast that you love slowly putting more ads at the front and the middle of their show. What starts out as a tiny DIY project gets some momentum and they excitedly do an ad read at the top of the show. Good for them! I’m glad they’re starting to make some cash. But that’s only how it starts. Flash forward 3 months later and there’s a four minute ad read at the start of the show and a four minute ad read in the middle, too. You start the episode and forget about the ad read break in the middle. You’re washing dishes, listening on your bluetooth earbuds. The ads start and your phone is all the way in the other room. You power through the ads, but you’re never the same after that. The horror podcast resumes, but it feels inconsequential. You have experienced true horror.
Scenarios like this are why WOE.BEGONE is brought to you by viewers like you. Here are WOE.BEGONE Industries Incorporated Limited Liability Corporation, we understand that the viewer comes first, not the advertiser. If you want to help keep this dynamic in check, why not support the show on Patreon? Our staff are manning the phones as we speak. Donations will give you access to early access episodes, instrumentals, a discord that no one has used yet, extra music, art, writing, updates, and more. I’m particularly excited about 2 projects that are going to be announced for patrons soon.
When I win WOE.BEGONE, I will send winning lottery ticket numbers back in time to everyone who supports the show. Thanks to Risky Coffee, Plumule, Edith Wharton, Cooper Dukes, Mira, Jason Li, Austin Sleeper, Ashley Moo, Justin Clavet, and Sheer for supporting the show.
This is WOE.BEGONE. Thanks so much for listening. Season 2 starts next week. Thanks for playing.