182: Bluster’s Grove, TX

SUMMARY

Equus Cum Virtute Multorum

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Ari and Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 182.]

INTRO: Hey, guys, quick plugs. I Have Been To The Future Volume 2 is now available on Spotify, and soon to be other streaming services, I would assume. I Have Been To The Future Volume 2 is 75 vocal tracks from the past year or so of the show, ranging from “Panoply” all the way through the end of Season 14. Basically, any vocal song that wasn’t already on streaming services. Due to the nature of my distributor, it is broken up into two parts, so look for I Have Been To The Future Volume 2, Parts One and Two, on Spotify and wherever else you listen to streaming music. Also, I stream on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where I play video games and write that week’s episode soundtrack. That’s a lot of fun; we’ve been playing Facade. Facade is an amazing game, and you should come watch it with me. That is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon, over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you get early access to episodes, instrumentals, soundtracks albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies With Michael, corkboards, postcards, and more. I just put up an Episode 180 behind the scenes video yesterday, where I, in real time, grapple with the corkboard, and come to find a story that is the Season 15 finale. It’s a little bit of a bumpy ride, it’s fun to watch. So check that out at patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains graphic depictions of death, severe isolation, and alcoholism, as well as discussions of death, one of which is particularly upsetting in the final segment. You will see what I mean. Listener discretion is advised.]

MIKE [speaking into earpiece]: Uh, checking, testing, uh, [Taps microphone.] one, two, three. [Taps again.] Uh, one, two, three, is this thing on? [Pause.] Uh, okay, uh, looks like it’s on, um. Commencing with bringing MMXL out of Storage in three, ta-hoo, one…

[Time travel noise.]

MMXL: [Sighs.] Oh, good. Mike, you came to your senses. I-I knew you would. I mean, I’m an iteration of you, after all. Uh, you wouldn’t do that to me, like, you wouldn’t stick your own in Storage [Laughing.] to just rot away, I mean–

MIKE: Oh, please, it has been 30 years, MMXL. [MMXL: What? N-n-n-no, no, uh.] You’ve been in Storage for three decades.

MMXL [shocked]: 30 y– It can’t have been 30 years, uh, Mike. Okay, where is everyone? [Mike laughs.] Uh, where’s Edgar? Why haven’t you–?

MIKE: [Laughing.] I’m pulling your chain, oh my god. MMXL, you were in Storage for like, a week. Not very long at all. Uh, I brought you out because your services are required.

MMXL: My… services?

MIKE: We—that’s you and me—are going to poker night down in Bluster’s Grove. Or, here in Bluster’s Grove, rather. Uh, ‘cause Base is already parked.

MMXL: Oh. Uh, Mike, are you sure that you want to get involved with Tex? I’ve got memories of him from XL, and… they aren’t good. Uh, you need to watch out for him.

MIKE: Yes, I know that I need to be careful around Tex, Mom. That is the purpose of the mission, actually. We are doing some factfinding, and, if everything goes according to plan, we will ensure that Tex won’t be a problem anymore.

MMXL: You can’t kill Tex, if that’s what you mean. Okay, you can kill him, technically, but he has a lot of power around here. At the very least, if you kill him, you’ll have a gigantic horse looking for revenge, and I wouldn’t wanna mess with Bluster. He’ll stomp ya.

MIKE: No one is getting stomped, because we’re not killing Tex. He is much more useful alive.

MMXL: Okay, then, good to know. What’s the plan?

MIKE: We’re gonna case the joint. He doesn’t even have to know it’s me. The two of us are going to go check out poker night. See what’s actually going on there.

MMXL: You can’t just show up to poker night, Mike. Even if you weren’t The Mike Walters From Base, you’d immediately get his hackles up. You would be showing up unaccompanied without a Michael. I mean, there aren’t any Michael iterations at Base, right? Tex would see you without a Michael, and the whole thing would fall apart.

MIKE: I mean, fair point. I was planning on bringing Marissa for protection, but she’s such a liability. She tried to break containment yesterday, and she almost discovered Base’s location, so she’s in lockup for the time being. As you can imagine, everyone else is furious with me about that decision.

MMXL: What– No, shit, they’re furious. You put Marissa in Storage?

MIKE: What? No, I didn’t put Marissa in Storage. She’d find a way to break out of Storage. All I’ve done is make sure that she can’t run away again. Setting her loose in Bluster’s Grove would be a nightmare. She’s been here before. She’d immediately recognize where she is, and she’d know exactly how to make a break for it. Hell, she keeps bragging about this tank that she knows is down here somewhere. She’d just ride out of here in style.

MMXL: Got it, so, no Marissa. Uh, no anyone else, from the sounds of it. Uh, you still haven’t explained how you’re going to get in there with no Michael.

MIKE: C’mon, [Snaps fingers.] MMXL, get with it. I know that there’s half of me in there. You should have already figured out what your job is.

MMXL: Okay, so, you want me to pose as Michael? That’s a really bad idea, Mike. I don’t know anything about being a cowboy.

MIKE: I mean, sure, you do. You lived with 38 and 47 on the frontier, right?

MMXL: Being near cowboys is not the same thing as knowing how to be a cowboy; you know that. There’s not, like, a “contact cowboyification” that you can get. You’ve been around all sorts of cowboys! I can’t pretend to be Michael any better than you can.

MIKE: Right you are. Which is why your training starts… now.

MMXL: My training? Who’s– Who’s gonna train me? You can’t train me!

MIKE: Well, let’s just take it step by step. So, first off, Michael is five years older than us. Our first big problem is that we don’t look the part. So, we’ve got to get rid of that handsome babyface of yours. Call it killing two birds with one stone.

MMXL: Mike, we haven’t had a babyface in 15 years. We’re old enough that I don’t think that five years makes that much of a difference.

MIKE: Not to us, but Tex can tell. Tex is a Michael. So, if we’re going to trick him, we need the best disguises that we can get, and that means [Claps for emphasis.] commitment. If Michael is five years older than me, then Michael needs to be five years older than me. That’s all I’m saying.

MMXL: Okay, so, you’re gonna make me look five years older, uh, how. …Fuck, don’t say it–

MIKE: By waiting for five years.

MMXL: Yeah, I knew you were gonna say that. You’re gonna wait five years to do this one mission?

MIKE: I believe your reticence is causing you to misunderstand, MMXL. I am not going to be waiting for five years. You are.

MMXL: You’re… talking about waiting for five years in real time?

MIKE: Yeah. Now you’re getting it, MMXL.

MMXL: You have got to be kidding me, Mike! You can’t just stick me in a hole for five years and expect me to come out a cowboy. It’s not how it works. I’ll be older, and probably worse for wear, and have nothing else to show for it. And that does not a cowboy make.

MIKE: Well, getting older with nothing to show for it’s just how most people get older. But that’s not the point, and that’s not my plan for you. Behold! Uh– Uh, hold on, when I said that, [Stammers.] I meant to s–

[Time travel noise.]

MIKE: Behold! Welcome to your new digs, MMXL. You will be spending the next five years here living in style. The style is “cowboy.” I know that you’ll come to love it. You will be a full-on Michael iteration in no time flat.

MMXL: Mike, what– what is all of this shit? Where are we? You want me to live… in here for five years?

MIKE: We are in a very secretive, protected location that no one is ever going to find, that is my business and not yours. But you’ve got anything you could ever need here. You’ve got running water, a bed, electricity, a TV, and nearly every Western movie ever released on DVD. All the cowboy “accoutrements” your heart could ever desire. Let’s see here, you’ve got a barrel of whiskey, a guitar to pick at, a closet full of the finest rustic Western garments, taxidermy mounts on every [Laughing.] wall. You’ll be calling folks [Michael impression.] “pilgrim” [Drops impression.] in no time. I have already scheduled and transported fresh food to appear in your refrigerator at regular intervals all the way into the future, which was no easy task, by the way. There was a considerable amount of math, and I had to check Edgar’s notes, like, four times, and you know that the rest of Base isn’t helping with this. But i-it’s all here! I-I got everything. So, what do you think?

MMXL: I… think… that you got the slightest whiff of power, and now you think that me and everyone else are your playthings.

MIKE: Not everyone else. 

MMXL: I think that you miss Michael, and are trying to make me into a replacement because you’re scared of what might happen if you try to bring the real Michael back.

MIKE: No, I’m doing what I need to do to get us into this poker game, because you’re the one that made Tex sound like a supervillain. I don’t miss Michael.

MMXL: Yes, you do. I know because I had the dream where you an–

MIKE: When did you have time to dream, MMXL? That’s gotta be one of XL’s dreams, anyway, because it’s not mine.

MMXL: No, I know it’s ‘cause–

MIKE: Your orders are to wait here for five years. Become the best cowboy that you can be, in the meantime. Be sure to practice the voice, it’s not that hard. [Michael impression.] All ya gotta do is relax into it. Just lean back, and take it slow. [Drops impression.] Watch some Westerns, eat some good food, drink, be merry; it’s like a five year staycation! Who wouldn’t want that? The years will fly by before you know it. Hell, I bet that you won’t even want to leave when I come back.

MMXL: Mike, you can’t do this. This isn’t how any of this works, this isn’t how poker night works!

MIKE: Oh, sure, it will. I know that 47 and XL are stuck in Yellowknife at the moment. They don’t have a Calculator or anything, so, there’s no way they’re making it all the way down to Bluster’s Grove today just to play poker. Especially with how afraid of Tex XL is. So, I’ll be XL, and you’ll be 47. You knew 47, so it can’t be that hard to pretend to be him, right?

MMXL: Yes, I knew 47, but I am XL. So, why don’t I “pretend” to be XL, like I am, and then you can pretend to be 47.

MIKE: Because I’m the one in charge here, so I’m not sitting in a dressed-up shipping container for five years. I’m the one with “power,” like you said, so I’m the one who gets to call the shots. And I’m not going to take a five year break from calling the shots so that I can put on a stupid deerskin jacket and call everyone [Michael impression.] “pard.”

MMXL: Okay, but even if I’m five years older, I’m not 47! Tex has met 47. He knows what 47 looks like. Uh, 47’s missing the joint on his pinky finger. He lost it in a boating accident on Great Bear Lake. Tex is gonna notice that immediately. He always asks about it.

MIKE: See? This is exactly why you need to be 47. I didn’t even notice his pinky when we were in Yellowknife. And, there is plenty of cool and dangerously sharp cowboy shit in here. Or, you know, a cleaver in the kitchen. 

MMXL: What are you saying to me, Mike?

MIKE: I am saying that one quick chop with a clean kitchen instrument might be your best bet. And the sooner you do it, the better. It will need to be healed up like 47’s pinky is by the time we [MMXL: No, Mike, shut up, Mike!] head out to poker night.

MMXL: I’m not mutilating myself for you!

MIKE: MMXL, look at me. There is an iteration of me in there. Get it together. Focus on the plan. You are me. You know that I am going to drag this organization into the future kicking and screaming. We have a plan now, and we have to execute it. Push down that snivelling XL iteration, and do what we agreed to do. Got it? [Pause.] You don’t need to answer. …See you in five years, partner.

MMXL: Mike, wait, 47–

[Time travel noise.] 

MIKE [quietly]: [Singing “Do You” while pressing buttons on a Calculator.] We could clean it up / Starry-eye my desperation / It looks better as romance. [Stops.] Okay, this should… do it.

[Time travel noise.]

MIKE: Hey there, Michael XL. How have the past five years been treating you?

[From here on out, MMXL speaks in a deep cowboy voice.]

MMXL: Pretty rough, if’n I’m bein’ honest with ya, pard. Could stand to get out and stretch my legs some. And you can call me 47.

MIKE: That’s what I like to hear. Let’s see that pinky finger.

MMXL: Oh, this ol’ thing? [Brief laugh.] Lost it in a boatin’ accident on Great Bear Lake. Big ol’ fish came along, and lopped it right off. That fish was huge! [Chuckles.] He was good eatin’, though.

MIKE: Just excellent. See? I told you that everything would work out if you would just follow my lead. And you’re out just in time for poker night! Are you ready to meet Tex?

MMXL: I was born ready, pilgrim. Let’s go see what that ol’ varmint’s up to.

MIKE: You took the words right out of my mouth. It’s good to have you back, Michael.

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear a veritable cavalcade of Michael iterations bustling about the Outpost Tavern, the sound of music, pool, bottles. It is a decadent time.]

MMXL: Barkeep! I’ll have the usual. And one for this’n, too.

21: 40! I done told ya, I’m cuttin’ you off until at least after the poker game’s over, ya hear me? Now get!

MMXL: 21? How’d you end up bartendin’ this thing! It’s me, it’s 47. I ain’t 40.

21: 47!? I didn’t even recognize ya, you ol’ so and so. How’s that busted up hand o’ yours?

MMXL: Cain’t complain. Gettin’ by. I can still hold me a glass o’ whiskey, if that’s whatcha mean.

21: Comin’ right up, boss. And one for you, too. XL, right?

MIKE: That’s me.

21: It’s been a long time since I seen ya. You were just a little baby last time.

MIKE: Yeah, uh, it’s– it’s good to see you, too, 21. Uh– How’s everyone doing tonight? Uh, 47 and I just got here.

21: Busy night. Tex better get this show on the road. Folks are startin’ to get rowdy waitin’ for him. I ain’t seen him all night. He’s hidin’ in the back room, I reckon. Did y’all hear about his leg?

MIKE: We heard that something happened, but not what.

21: Word in Bluster’s Grove is somethin’ lopped it right off at the hip, clean. There’s all kind o’ rumors floatin’ around. Some say Bluster dang fell on him, and he’s too protective of Bluster to admit it. 40 said he heard a dragon bit it, but you know how 40 is. [Pause.] Hey, uh. 38 ain’t here with ya, right?

MMXL: No, sir. We left him back home in Yellowknife.

21: That’s a relief. Far as he knows, 40 over there’s dead. [Laughs, then sighs.] No bar brawls yet, but the night ain’t over. Is there anything else I can get you fine folks?

MIKE: I think we’re good for right now, uh. We’re gonna go mingle, uh, it was nice seeing you! Uh, bye, 21.

21: Good seein’ ya boys.

MMXL: Yup. Good seein’ ya, 21.

[We hear them walk away.]

MIKE [whispering]: So, uh, Tex isn’t out here with everyone? Is that normal at these things?

MMXL: Ain’t normal at all. Guess he don’t wanna be seen with his leg. Normally he’s out here makin’ small talk ‘til the game starts, and then he’s off to run the table.

MIKE: We need to talk to Tex, MMXL. We– We have to see him, that’s the whole reason we’re here. We’ve gotta sneak into that back room, or– or something. I’m– I’m not here to talk to these other Michaels.

MMXL: Cool your jets, pilgrim. You ain’t ever been at one o’ these functions, but I have, so you gotta follow my lead. Tex ain’t the only one here who’ll throw a fit if’n they realize what you’re up to tonight. Speakin’ of. [Calling out.] Gotdamn! Howdy there, Bluster!

[Bluster whinnies.]

MIKE: Uh, hi, Bluster. You’re… in the bar!

MMXL: ‘Course he’s in the bar. Where else would he be?

[Bluster snorts.]

MIKE: Yeah, uh, it’s great to see you, Bluster, uh. Bluster, do you know where Tex–?

MMXL: 21! Can I get a beer over here for Bluster?

21 [from afar]: Bluster’s already hit his limit, pard!

MMXL: Dang. Well, I tried, Bluster. You gonna win big tonight?

[Bluster snorts.]

MMXL: That’s what I thought. But, uh, I won’t keep ya. I know you’re a busy horse. Good seein’ ya, pard. Take care now.

[We hear Bluster clop away.]

40 [drunkenly]: Hey, 47. What in tarnation? Is that you? Is 38 here?

MMXL: Howdy there, 40. Nah. 38 ain’t with me tonight. Just XL.

40: Alright, XL. [Brief chuckle.] You– You know the drill, don’t ya? I weren’t here. Last time you saw me, uh, 38 shot me, and I was good as dead, standin’ there tryin’ to hold my guts in, ya hear? [Laughs.]

MIKE: Uh… Yeah, uh, sure. I-I– I won’t tell him anything.

40: You ever been gutshot, boy?

MIKE: Uh, no. I-I– I’ve never been gutshot.

40: Let me tell ya somethin’, tenderfoot. I know we got a rule about Ty Betteridge. But, if Tex gets to break all them damn rules, then I sure as hell get to if it means I’m still walkin’ upright. Know what I mean?

MIKE: Yeah, I mean, if– if it’s the difference between life and death, I guess.

40: Outlaw fixed me up, good as new. Gooder than new, actually, ‘c-cause, yeah, look here, see? [Pats his abdomen.] No scar or nothin’. I am, uh, missin’ half my small intestine, though.

MMXL: Mighty impressive work. 38’s damn sure he killed ya. He sure wouldn’ta left you alive back there.

40: [Laughs.] That sumbitch wishes he killed me. [Chuckles.]

MIKE: Right, uh. Hey, uh, 40? Have you seen Tex yet? I was hoping that I could–

40: You wanna get a look at his dang leg, right? Well, get in line, buckaroo.

MIKE: I do actually want to see his leg. So, what’s up with that? Did Outlaw grow him a new one, or what?

40: I heard… he’s– he’s got a– a pegleg down there now. Like a– a dang pirate. [Snickers.]

MMXL: Nah, that cain’t be right, 40. I know that Tex hates pirates.

40: Then it serves that sumbitch right! [Grunts.] The cur! He’d take the shirt off my back if I owed him a penny. Let him hobble around on a little stump. I’ll take my knife, [Opens his switchblade.] and I’ll [Mimics cutting noise.] [MIKE: Whoa, uh… maybe put that knife away, 40?] cut that pegleg right off! [Laughs.]

MMXL: 40, I wouldn’t even joke about that here. You don’t wanna mess with Tex on his home turf.

MIKE: Yeah, and B-Bluster’s prancing around here somewhere. He’ll hear you.

40: That fucker does prance, [Laughs.] don’t he?

MMXL: Well, it was good catchin’ up with ya, 40. But we just got here. Got other people to see. Hey, 21! Can we get a coffee over here for our friend 40?

21: I’m on it.

40: Hey. Wait a cotton-pickin’ minute there, 47! You ain’t gonna up and leave your old bud, are ya?

MIKE: I–… I-It was fun, but we really have other things to–

40: Hey… you comin’ to the real party, after this’n?

MIKE: There’s a– There’s a real party?

40: You ain’t never been to a real party, tenderfoot? Hah! I swore I saw you last month.

MIKE: Oh. That party. Yeah, I was at that.

MMXL: XL don’t remember every appearance he makes. I’m sure you understand.

40: A man after my own heart.

21: Alright, one coffee for Mr. 40 here. He ain’t causin’ y’all problems, is he?

MIKE: Uh, no problems, we’re just… making conversation.

40: XL here don’t remember what he did at the afterparty last month! [Laughs.]

21: Is that so? 47, you gotta keep better control over your apprentice. [Teasing.] Can’t let him be the one in charge.

MMXL: Oh, I’m wranglin’ him, alright.

MIKE: It’s– It’s not that I don’t remember the afterparty, it’s that I… forgot. Uh, we’ve been up in Yellowknife, and so much has happened, and we’re on a cattle drive…

40: Oh, I bet. With that fucker 38 up there with ya. Couldn’t drive a cattle drive… uh, couldn’t…

[We hear the clang of metal against concrete as Tex walks in. The music shuts off, everyone else gets quiet.]

MIKE: Is that– [40: …cattle, couldn’t…] Is that him?

MMXL: That’s Tex, alright.

40: All hat, uh… and no cattle…

[Tex stops walking and clears his throat.]

TEX [addressing everyone]: Howdy, folks. Welcome to poker night. Hope everyone’s havin’ a good time so far. Those drinks come outta my pocket, ya know. Thanks to 21 for tendin’ bar for us. Uh, can we get a round of applause for 21?

[We hear clapping.]

TEX: Thank ya kindly. Now, I ain’t no fool. I know y’all been out here, gossipin’ about my leg and how I’m gonna get around from now on. And I’m gonna get around just fine, is how. Y’all get to witness the grand unveilin’ of my new leg. So, can I get a drumroll please?

[We hear a drumroll.]

TEX: Ta-da! There she is. Golden-plated. Fully articulated. Fresh out of the shop. Outlaw got me all sorted out. ‘Tween the new leg and this here cane, I can get around almost as good as I used to. So, y’all stop worryin’ about me. Unless you end up on my bad side. Then you should be worried about me. And don’t think you can outrun me just ‘cause I only got the one leg. I got a gigantic horse to ride ya down with. But, enough about me. Y’all ain’t here to stare at my fancy new leg and hear me ramble. [40: That’s why I’m here!] [21: Shut up, 40!] The poker game starts in 30 minutes, folks. If you want in, head to the back room ASAP. Bluster and I will be waitin’ for ya there. See y’all in a few. Come on, Bluster.

[We hear the clang again as Tex walks back to the back room. The sound of chatter, music, and pool resumes.]

MIKE: Wait, uh… Tex! Uh… I didn’t get to talk to him.

MMXL: Looks like we’ll have to catch him at the afterparty.

40: Dang. Y’all see that golden leg? I don’t think my knife can saw through that. [Opens his switchblade.]

21: Give me that dang knife, 40. Ain’t no one sawin’ through no one’s leg tonight. Jesus.

[Scene transition.]

[We hear crickets and footsteps on grass.]

MIKE: Hey, uh, MM–, uh, uh– Michael XL. Uh… Are you… sure this is the right place? Uh, seems… pretty quiet. I thought there would be more… trucks here?

MMXL: I thought that’s whatcha wanted, pard. We don’t want folks to be here, right? ‘Cause we’re just lookin’ for Tex. And Tex always gets to the afterparty first to set up.

MIKE: Yeah, you’re right. It’s just, I’m a little on edge after, you know, uh, what he did to 40?

MMXL: Well, if 40 didn’t want that dang knife used on him, he shoulda quit whippin’ it out.

MIKE: I mean, I was annoyed with him, too, but that was… overboard. Right?

MMXL: Would you say that Tex runs his Satellite Base like a dictator, takin’ no criticism from no one and dolin’ out harsh punishments?

MIKE: Okay, I hear it, but I’ve never done that.

MMXL: Yeah, you done this, though.

[MMXL opens the door.]

MMXL: After you, boss.

[We hear them start walking in a spacious warehouse with reverb.]

MIKE: Michael… XL, are you… positive? [Stammering.] There should be, like, tables and chairs or something!

MMXL: It’s a dang warehouse, pard. You don’t need tables and chairs to stand around and get drunk.

MIKE: There aren’t even any, like, palettes or boxes in the bays or anything. When was the last time this was a real warehouse?

MMXL: I don’t know, pard. Years ago. Who cares? That’s why we’re able to use it.

MIKE [calling out]: Hello? Uh, Tex? Uh, hey, hello, Tex, are you in here, somewhere? It’s– It’s– It’s XL. Uh, I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you, uh, about… well, uh, that– Are you here?

MMXL: I’m sure he’ll show up any second now.

MIKE: I really hope so, because we need to figure this out tonight. We’re supposed to move every day, and I know that I’m the one that makes the rules, but we haven’t been doing it very long, so I don’t wanna make an exception before we’ve even established the rule, and we need to get Tex under control. [Pause.] You know what I mean?

MMXL: Under control like you got me under control.

MIKE: Exactly. Like, [Huffs.] you’re not. I mean– You can–… Okay, so. It was a hard five years, but, now that you’re on my team, it’s– it’s not gonna be like that anymore. Uh, you’re gonna get privileges, you’re not gonna be locked away, I– That was just a– It was necessary, and it’s over. You know what I mean?

MMXL: Oh, I know whatcha mean.

MIKE: Michael XL, you’re not… you’re not– mad at me, are you?

MMXL: Little ol’ me? Now why would “Michael XL” be mad at ya, pard?

MIKE [relieved]: Look, good, because you’re as much a part of the team as anyone now, and we’re making the [We hear MMXL make a loud banging noise.] perfect Base– [Winces.] What? What are you doing that for!?

[We hear they’ve stopped walking.]

MMXL: ‘Cause it’s time to get this damn show on the road. 

MIKE: What… show?

[We hear clangs as Tex walks in.]

MIKE: …Tex?

TEX: Howdy there, Mike. I was hopin’ you’d drop by.

MIKE: You– You told him? Why would you tell him? Why would you do that!? Michael!

MMXL: ‘Cause I ain’t Michael. That’s why.

TEX: You did a damn fine job bringin’ him to me, XL.

MIKE: Uh– Uh, Tex, w-we’re– we’re colleagues, I-I just, I… I wanted to know what was going on at your poker nights, and I knew that you didn’t want me snooping around, and so… I just–

TEX: Trouble. Every last damn one o’ ya is trouble.

MIKE: Look, I-I know that Base hasn’t been the best ally in the past, but… we’re under new management, I– we can work something out.

TEX: Lieutenant cut me in half. Then, Nobody came, burned the whole place down, killed me and Bluster, then you got me wrapped up in the fire, Eagle cut my dang leg off. Trouble.

MIKE: Okay, I can fix some of that, but not all of it. But I-I need your cooperation.

MMXL: You locked me away for five years, Mike.

MIKE: You’re supposed to be an iteration of me, Michael.

MMXL: I ain’t “Michael.”

MIKE: Okay, you’re– you’re both mad at me, which, I deserve, so, uh, how ‘bout– how ‘bout I just… how ‘bout I just go home, and we can figure this out, uh, when everyone has a chance to cool off.

TEX: Naw, Mike. I think I’m as cool as I’m gonna get.

MIKE: Okay, I’m just gonna [Starts walking.] back out of here, and I’ll correct the whole thing, and–

[Bluster whinnies.]

MIKE: [Startles, and stops walking.] Uh, fuck, Bluster!

TEX: You ain’t goin’ nowhere, pard.

MIKE: What… What are you gonna do?

TEX: Well, you gotta either go through Bluster or me. Pick your poison.

MIKE: Michael. Help me.

TEX: This was XL’s idea, Mike. He’ll be stayin’ with me. At least until I can untangle this whole “Yellowknife” business that you got so outta control.

MIKE: Michael, if we can correct this whole thing, it’ll be just like five years ago for you.

MMXL: Sorry. I don’t trust ya, Mike.

TEX: Time’s up, Mike. Now, I promised XL here that I’d be quick with it. But, Bluster didn’t promise shit.

[Bluster snorts.]

MIKE: No, no, no. I’m getting out of here, I’m getting out of here.

[We hear Mike try to escape, fumbling for his Calculator.]

MMXL: Tex, the calculator. [MIKE: Where the fuck…?]

TEX: Bluster.

[Bluster whinnies.]

[Mike stammers, and does a little “gah!”]

MIKE: God, Bluster!

[We hear Bluster stomping Mike to death with his hooves. He squelches.]

TEX: I’m sorry you had to see that, XL. Ya did good, Bluster. And, I was serious. [The audio gradually drops in quality until it becomes clear this is a recording.] You’re stickin’ with me until we can figure this whole damn thing out. But at least Base won’t be in your hair no more. [The recording briefly continues playing audio in the background.]

MIKE: See, MDawg, it all worked out. Tex is buying it hook, line, and sinker. And that’s because that Mike iteration committed to the mission.

MDAWG: I don’t know, Mike. I just listened to that iteration’s soul join the mother soul, and it was pretty dissonant.

MIKE: Yeah, but, we’ve got Michael XL on the inside of Tex’s Base now, and he doesn’t suspect a thing. So, hopefully we will save a lot more souls from going and joining the mother soul, yours and mine included.

MDAWG: But, how can I ever trust that I am the iteration that you say that I am. What if MDawg is in Storage, and you’ve iterated him and taken me out, and I think I’m him?

MIKE: That is the beautiful thing, MDawg. You can’t. And I can, and so if you ever want to know, you are going to have to follow orders.

[Scene transition.]

[We are in Sammy’s bedroom. Sammy is breathing deeply, sweetly dreaming of summer

days and her life ahead.]

SAMANTHA [gently, caring, reassuring]: Sammy. Sammy?

SAMMY: Mummy? [Samantha makes a quiet shushing noise.] Is that you, Mummy?

SAMANTHA: Hey, Sammy. Time to wake up.

SAMMY: Who’s there?

SAMANTHA: Hi, Sammy, don’t worry. [SAMMY: Mummy?] I’m your friend.

SAMMY: You’re not my friend. Who are you? And why are you in my bedroom?

SAMANTHA: Sammy, my name is Samantha–

SAMMY: That’s my name!

SAMANTHA: I know! Isn’t that funny? What if I told you that we had the same name for a very special reason?

SAMMY: What do you mean? Lots of people are called Samantha. There’s a girl in Year Six called Samantha who the teachers call “Big Sam.” And I’m “Little Sam.” [Samantha sighs.] And then there’s Daddy’s friend from work who Mummy say I’m named after, because she’s my godmother. Although… [We hear Samantha become impatient.] she never buys me anything decent for my birthdays or Christmas. And there are loads of people on TV–

SAMANTHA: [Interrupting.] What I mean is that it is not a coincidence that we are both called Samantha. Do you know what I mean by a “coincidence”?

SAMMY: Well, yes, I think so. A coincidence is sort of where the same thing happens twice, but it wasn’t on purpose.

SAMANTHA: Exactly! We are both called Samantha on purpose.

SAMMY: That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t like this. You’re scaring me. Why are you in my bedroom? I want my mummy.

SAMANTHA: Sammy, please, there’s no need to be scared. We have met before, and last time we met, you told me a secret. You told me that if I remembered it and said it back to you, then you would know that you could trust me.

SAMMY: I– I don’t remember that at all.

SAMANTHA: You told me that you only pretend to like Chloe in your class because she is popular, and all the other boys and girls seem to like her, and you wanted to fit in… but actually, you think she’s horrible, and you actually do not want to be her friend.

SAMMY: How did you… How did you know that?

SAMANTHA: I told you! You told me, because you trust me.

SAMMY: Okay…?

SAMANTHA: Now, we need to have a very important chat.

SAMMY: What about?

SAMANTHA: I need to tell you my biggest secret, so you know that I trust you as well, alright?

SAMMY: But I’m not meant to keep secrets for grown ups.

SAMANTHA: Hmm… I’m not asking you to keep a secret. I’m just telling you one of mine.

SAMMY: I suppose that’s okay…

SAMANTHA: Sammy, do you remember in Doctor Who, how the Doctor can travel through time and space?

SAMMY: Yes?

SAMANTHA: What if I told you that that wasn’t just a made up story? What if I told you that time travel was real?

SAMMY: Well… I don’t think that that could be true.

SAMANTHA: Sammy, it is true. I know it’s true, because that’s my job. I work with time travellers who do all sorts of important projects and things, and we need your help.

SAMMY: Prove it.

SAMANTHA: Prove what?

SAMMY: Prove that you’re a time traveller.

SAMANTHA: Alright. Get out of bed, and come with me.

[Sammy gets out of bed and follows Samantha to the door. They open the door. Sammy lets out a little cry of fear.]

SAMMY: W-Where’s–? Where’s my house? Where’s it gone? Where am I?

SAMANTHA: We’re not in your house. We are far, far away from your house.

SAMMY [panicking]: I-I don’t understand! Where am I? I want my mummy! I want my daddy! Where have you taken them?

SAMANTHA: Sammy, I need you to calm down, right away. Your parents are at home, asleep in their beds. As is the real Sammy.

SAMMY: The real Sammy? What do you mean?

SAMANTHA: You are one of 40 identical copies of Sammy that I have made and have brought to this place. Each room along this corridor has an identical copy of your bedroom with an identical Sammy inside.

SAMMY: No. That doesn’t make sense! That can’t be true!

SAMANTHA [to herself]: A terrible shame. This one was doing so well. 

SAMANTHA [to the tannoy]: Felix, Sammy9 is a failure. Please send her to Yellow; we’ll start again with Sammy10 in the morning.

FELIX [via tannoy]: Are you sure?

SAMMY: What are you talking about? Who are you talking to? Did you say there were 40 of me here?

SAMANTHA: Well, there were. There are only 32 left now.

SAMMY: What happened to the others?

SAMANTHA: They weren’t good enough. They didn’t listen to me. And now… they’re gone.

SAMMY: Oh. [Pause.] Can I see one of the others?

SAMANTHA: Why on Earth would you want to do that?

SAMMY: So I know you’re telling the truth about time travel and things.

SAMANTHA: Sammy… that’s not going to be possible. But you have been incredibly helpful, truly! Now I know exactly what to do next time.

SAMMY: Next time?

SAMANTHA [to the tannoy]: Felix. Send this one to Yellow now, please. Right away.

FELIX [via tannoy]: Transporting in three… two… one.

[Time travel noise.]

SAMANTHA: [Sighs.] Felix, get some sleep. We’ll start again after breakfast tomorrow. I have a feeling that Sammy10 is going to be our winner!

FELIX [via tannoy]: Samantha, I’m– I’m really uneasy about this. We’ve murdered nine children so far today.

SAMANTHA: Felix, please don’t be so sentimental. They aren’t children. They’re barely cattle. Not one of them even realizes that they exist. They are all asleep, iterated, and then kept in Storage until we need them.

FELIX [via tannoy]: I’m sorry, I know Ty said I had to help you, but I have significant concerns about this project. I need to raise it with Ty. If he says we can continue, then we can crack on, but I absolutely do not think he’ll like this.

SAMANTHA: Fine. [Huffs.] Transport us both to Ty’s office, and we shall see what he says.

FELIX [via tannoy]: Okay. Transporting in three… two… one.

[Time travel noise.]

[Felix takes a deep breath and knocks on Ty’s door.]

TY [muffled, through the door]: Come in! 

[The door opens, Samantha and Felix walk into Ty’s office, and the door closes.]

TY: Ah! Felix, Samantha. How’s your little project coming along?

SAMANTHA: Felix has some concerns he would like to raise with you. …Go on, Felix.

FELIX: Ty, after Samantha killed all 16 of her iterations last week, it has been necessary to repopulate her department. I suggested iterating this Samantha again to ensure information continuity. Then we could train up each of the new Samanthas with required language and technological skills, and–

TY: That would leave us without any media monitoring for quite some time, though, wouldn’t it? Now, as excellent as Samantha is, even she can’t learn dozens of new languages, two at a time, over a day or two.

FELIX: Well, obviously not. I was going to suggest sending the iterations back a few years each so they could do all of their onboarding in the past. And then they’d be ready, well, now. But Samantha was unhappy at the idea of some older and potentially more experienced Samanthas appearing in the Compound? So she decided to adopt a different approach.

TY: A different approach? Ooh. Now you’re talking. What was it?

SAMANTHA: Iterating my eight-year-old self to create as many young Samanthas as we could ever need, and taking complete control of their entire education from primary school upwards. We could start educating them, say, 15 years in the past, and then we would have a whole host of Samanthas, each specializing in a different region, or language, or technology, or science or anything at all. It’s not like we are short of space or storage. And we can easily feed them all. We could wake up tomorrow with a legion of perfectly qualified young women with Master’s degrees in every speciality we could ever dream of.

TY: By jingo, that’s brilliant! And we needn’t limit them to just your department, we could have them all over the Compound assisting with all sorts of things! This is marvellous. Truly, truly m– Kaz is going to be delighted!

SAMANTHA: Ha, no. That won’t do. That will not work at all. This only works if they all report to me, under my control, in my department. If you want to iterate young versions of yourself or of… Felix to support your own projects, then of course that is entirely up to you. But all the Samanthas are mine.

TY: Well, I-I think we’ve had enough Felix iterations for now. We had to kill three last year.

FELIX [exasperated]: Exactly, that’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you about!

TY: Fine, we won’t iterate any more Felixes.

FELIX: No, it’s not that, it’s the Sammies! I’ve– I’ve told Samantha that I simply can’t carry on with this project unless you give it the all clear. We’ve killed nine of them already today.

TY: You’ve killed nine children? Oh, Samantha. What on earth for?

SAMANTHA: I had to ensure that whichever young Samantha we iterated was fully on board with the project! It is a remarkably difficult conversation to have– I wonder, have you ever tried to convince your own clone, two or three decades younger than yourself, to join an international time travel cabal? Because I have. I have attempted this particular conversation nine times already today, and it is truly difficult. I do have every confidence, however, that the next attempt will be successful. And, if not, I have plenty more subjects to work with to… perfect my pitch.

FELIX: Ty, do you see what I mean? It’s awful! We’ve sent child after child to Yellow today. I-I just can’t–

TY: [Interrupting.] Oh, he wouldn’t mind. I don’t suppose he’ll even have noticed. If something turns up in his waiting room, he just kills it and then moves on with his day. I even sent a direct iteration of himself in there once just to see what would happen, and he didn’t even look up from his monitor. He just pressed a few buttons, and shouted, “Next contestant, come on down, the price is right.” [Laughs.] He’s a funny old chap. No, I’m sure he doesn’t mind.

FELIX: Yes, but I mind!

TY: Felix, I understand. It’s so much easier when they’re all worn out and wearing Stetsons, but there is always a cost to the work that we do! You can’t make an omelet without breaking wind! So we’ve had to get rid of a few spare Samanthas, but by the sound of things, the original is still at home, sound asleep in her bed, waiting to grow up into the Samantha that stands here with us today. If Samantha is happy with us killing her over and over again, then I don’t see why we should be so squeamish about it.

FELIX: So, you’re content for us to carry on.

TY: WelI, Felix, it’s obvious that Samantha is not dead. So I’m happy if Samantha is happy.

SAMANTHA: Very well. Felix, we’ll carry on in the morning. Ty, thank you for this. I promise you will not regret it.

TY: Oh, I’m certain I shan’t. I intend to play a very, very active role in the development of these supple, young minds.

SAMANTHA: Well, I’m not sure that will be necessary.

TY: [Interrupting.] No, no, my mind is made up!

FELIX: Oh, god. What do you mean?

TY: I’m going to be a daddy!

[Closing theme starts playing.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE. And by that, I do mean this has been The Samantha Chronicles.

The Samantha Chronicles is written by, edited, and stars Ben Rowe as Felix.

The voice of Samantha is Fay Roberts.

And introducing the voice of Sammy is Jessica Rowe.

[Rapping.] The voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out his podcast Shadows At The Door, or go to davidault.co.uk for more. [Stops rapping.]

Thanks for playing.

[Closing theme plays out.]

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (MMXL): You can’t kill him, if that’s what you mean. Okay, you can kill him, but, if you do, you’ll have have a gigantic horse– [Laughing.] Why can’t I say the word “gigantic horse”? Gigantic horse!

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (DYLAN): So, Ben accidentally sent me The Samantha Chronicles with just Samantha missing, and for a good couple minutes I thought that he was being super avant-garde, and we were hearing one side of a conversation, but at one point Ty says, like, “oh, do go on,” and then there’s 35 straight seconds of silence, and I decided that Ben wasn’t that avant-garde, so I did message him to let him know he needed to send me the file again. 

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (TY): I’m going to be… a daddy! [Laughs.] I’m going to be… a daddy! I’m going to be… a daddy. [Laughs.] I see you shiver with antici– [Pause.] –pation.

[Very brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

[END Episode 182.]