175: Heaven’s Got A Heater

SUMMARY

Young Bluster’s a background horse.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 175.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Quick plugs. Welcome back to Season 15. My vacation was super nice, and I thought about going on vacation forever, but then I realized you don’t know that [Bleep censor.] is FLINCH, so I couldn’t. In other news, I am still streaming on Twitch every Sunday at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday afternoon I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. We beat Nancy Drew and the Haunted Carousel extremely fast, so now I need a new game for spooky month. Will it be more Nancy Drew, or will it be something else? You will have to see for yourself at twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, corkboards, and more. While I may have been on vacation, the Patreon never missed a beat. Every day, people were getting instrumentals and commentaries and a Q&A and songs from the postcard, as well as Parts Two and Three of Intermission XXIX, “The Ren Faire.” So, if you’d like to see what the other characters were up to at the Ren Faire for the postcards, sign up at any level. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear MW lock the apartment door. He huffs, then starts rummaging through the apartment.]

MW: Okay. Door’s locked. No more unexpected visitors. Alright, think, Emdubya. What’s different about the apartment? I guess I gotta mop the floors, make sure no one sees their boot prints, stuff like that. [Sighs.] I guess I’m keepin’ the earpiece, ’cause Mikey found the other end. [Pause.] I need to make Michael’s bed. Uh… what the hell?

[We hear MW fumble with a cassette.]

MW: A cassette? Old Man was recordin’ his mission with Stinky? Uh, he suspect somethin’? Is he on to me? “Cutting Grass,” yup. This is him, alright. Who was he gonna give this to? Ain’t like he works at Base. Was he keepin’ it for his records? [Opens the door to a microwave.] Sure glad Mike didn’t see this… Unless he did see it. [Place the cassette tape on the turntable.] Don’t matter, gotta get rid of it now.

[MW closes the microwave door and presses several buttons. We hear the microwave heat.]

MW: [Huffs.] What have I gotten myself into…

[We hear crackling in the microwave.]

MW: Well. That about fried it, I think.

[We hear a rythmic knock on the apartment door.]

MW: Jesus! [Breathes heavily.] [Calling out.] I-I’m– I’m busy! Who’s out there?

[The microwave beeps, and MW opens the microwave door.]

MIKEY [muffled]: MW, it’s me, it’s Mikey. [MW: Ugh, that smells like shit.] We’re busy with the same thing, let me in.

MW: Yeah, uh– uh, one second!

[We hear MW open the apartment door.]

MW: Mikey, what are you doin’ here?

MIKEY: Uh, the– the same thing as you, I think. I mean, I just got off the earpiece with you. Uh– Stinky’s gone? You were talking to him inside of O.V.E.R.? Like, what’s the deal?

MW: Uh– Yeah, uh. I was doin’ a mission w-with Stinky, but… why are you–

MIKEY: So, Stinky is missing, right? That’s– [Brief laugh.] That’s a high-level emergency, MW. So, I’m not gonna sit on my hands and let him get taken from us! Even if I am so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. [Groans.] Night shifts are hard, MW! Uh– Not– It’s even the night shift; Marissa makes fun of me, ’cause it’s the “second shift.” Maybe I’m getting old, but [Sighs.] patrol shifts that have me clocking out past my bedtime are not for me, I don’t think… [Yawns.] Man. So… what’s the deal with Stinky? 

MW: Wait, uh, how’d you get here, pard? You used the Calculator ya found in the woods?

MIKEY: [Laughs.] Oh, god, no. That thing scares the hell out of me. It could be boobytrapped, it could’ve sent me anywhere. I left it at Base with a note on it, and I borrowed a Calculator from Panthy-Poo. Well, not from him, from Base, but same difference.

MW: So, Base knows you was comin’ here.

MIKEY: Yes, of course they know, and they know Stinky’s missing. [Joking.] So, you better not take me hostage, or they’ll come looking for me! [Laughs.] …I’m– I’m kidding. Don’t look at me like that.

MW: I don’t got no plans to kidnap ya, Mikey.

MIKEY: Uh… Yes, MW, I-I [Brief laugh.] know that. Uh. So, what happened with Stinky? Why did you send him into O.V.E.R.?

MW: Stinky and MDawg came here after your little seance. As you know, MDawg was travelin’ to some future where Oldbrush Valley’s on fire. So, they came here lookin’ for help. I told ’em maybe the crows know what’s goin’ on, so they went out and visited the crows. Shadow 2 brought ’em back a note that said “first patrol” on it.

MIKEY: “First patrol,” as in my first patrol? Why didn’t you just call me? I-I was on the first patrol, I could’ve kept a lookout.

MW: Well, you ain’t the one who received the message, Stinky is, so we went Stinky in. We reckoned somethin’ was gonna happen with you and that we were supposed to see it.

MIKEY: And then he came across that lean-to with the Calculator in the woods, I guess?

MW: I reckon so. Next thing I know, there was a– a loud noise on the earpiece, and Stinky was gone. And then a couple seconds later, you picked up.

MIKEY: So, either someone was looking for Stinky, or they think they have me. And, not to brag, but I think they probably thought the latter. Stinky can’t be that useful, right? So, I guess I’m not safe until we get this whole thing figured out, so I guess I take the Calculator to the Compound and ask them to run a trace on it.

MW: Uh, I guess you can do that if’n you want. Uh, have you talked to– to Mike since any o’ this started?

MIKEY: Uh, no? Uh, I don’t think any of us have. We have a meeting with him tomorrow at eight a.m. (god), uh, to discuss the Python situation. But, he’s gonna have to be looped in on this, too.

MW: Oh, uh, no one told me ’bout that meetin’.

MIKEY: Uh, refresh your calendar, maybe? It just got added, like, an hour ago.

MW: My calendar never got nothin’ on it, Mikey.

MIKEY: Oh, well, it’s at Base at eight in the morning, so consider this me inviting you.

MW: Mike showed up here unannounced just a– a couple hours ago.

MIKEY: Oh, that’s s-surprising. Why would he come here?

MW: I ain’t got a clue why he came here. He walked in unannounced, door was locked, started talk about that boar head on the wall, had a– a strange energy to ‘im. Said he needed to vent to someone about what happened with Python. Said there’s iterations runnin’ all over the place. We had a couple drinks, and then he left.

MIKEY: The boar’s head… That’s… really interesting. Does he have, like, code words with you?

MW: Code words like what?

MIKEY: Oh, [Brief laugh.] it’s something that we used to do before we got you. I– Not– Not got you, you’re not a pet. Before you were– made. [Huffs.] I’m– I’m sorry, uh, before you were around. We used to sit around in the apartment and play this game called code words—not the game Codewords, but, like, our game code words—and so… Mike might be like, okay, if I ever… send you a message, it’s, like, put it on Channel 48. Then that means that there’s an emergency sometime in between Mike and Michael’s timeline, and one of them has to travel back and do a correction. Stuff like that?

MW: No, uh… He’s never done nothin’ like that with me. W-What does this have to do with his visit?

MIKEY: Well, like I said, we played this game just sitting around in the apartment, so anything, like, in the apartment was fair game. And so the boar’s head means, uh, something like “you need to shrink the circle of trust. Something is happening where someone isn’t who they seem, or is betraying us, or we need to do a big correction or go on a mission. So hold tight, lock the doors, don’t trust anybody, that sort of thing.” So, if Mike stopped by and told you that, then he was trying to propagate that message. But, if you haven’t played the code words game with him, then he wasn’t trying to propagate it to you. He was trying to propagate it to whoever you told it to. So, me.

MW: I reckon that makes sense. Folks are disappearin’ left and right. And this Python thing could be a whole other can o’ worms.

MIKEY: Yeah, I’m starting to suspect that this is all connected, and not in the MDawg way, I’m talking about actually connected. [Sniffs.] What is that smell? Ugh.

MW: Uh, I don’t smell anything, Mikey.

MIKEY: It smells like burning plastic? Ugh. Is it coming from your microwave?

MW: Uh, it shouldn’t be. Do– Do you wanna go out into the courtyard?

MIKEY: Someone should’ve warned you before they let you live here alone that the microwave doesn’t have a mesh screen on it, so the microwaves will just shoot out into the house. Uh, so. Uh, stay away from the microwave if you’re gonna use it. Um… I can talk to Boris if you want, [Mikey opens the microwave door.] he should replace it free of charge.

MW [warning]: Mikey, get away from the microwave.

MIKEY: No– It’s not dangerous when it’s off, it’s just–

[A scuffle breaks out between MW and Mikey.]

MW [overlapping Mikey]: I’m– I’m sorry, Mikey. Please hold still. Please. I’m sorry!

MIKEY [overlapping MW]: MW! Get off! What are you doing? Ow! What are you doing!?

[We hear MW handcuff Mikey.]

MIKEY: Y-You’re handcuffing me? What the fuck is in the microwave!?

MW: Look, Mikey. It’s a long story, but I’m being set up. Someone’s tryin’ to make it look like I’m performin’ a connectivity strike on the Mikes, but– but it ain’t me! Whatever’s goin’ on, it ain’t me! Whoever’s doin’ this is tryin’ to get rid of me. It’s like how Mustardseed was tryin’ to turn everyone against you. Now, I don’t know who’s doin’ it, but whoever it is wants me gone. They want you and Base and Old Man and Tex and MDawg and TXDawg and everyone to think that I’ve turned on ya, but it ain’t true!

MIKEY: “TX…Dawg”? What is going on? If you’re not turning against me, why do you have me [Struggles in the handcuffs. We hear the cuffs tighten.] handcuffed?

MW: ‘Cause you’re gonna find Old Man’s cassette in that microwave, and then ya ain’t gonna believe me. Which means I cain’t let you go to Base.

MIKEY: Wait, Old Man was here? I– I can’t say that… you’re inspiring confidence, MW.

MW: I will inspire confidence by provin’ my innocence. So, let’s see, I’m gonna need [Starts picking up items.] your Calculator, uh, your O.V.E.R. badge, uh… and I got some Mikey clothes in the closet. So, [Drops cowboy voice, and raises pitch.] for the time being, I am Mikey Walters.

MIKEY: [Brief laugh.] You’re gonna impersonate me to Base? Uh, what about Charlie?

MW: Charlie’s already taken care of, Mikey.

MIKEY: No, you–! [Huffs.] You would not if you’re innocent, you wouldn’t!

MW: You’ll see for yourself if I’m lyin’ about that when it’s all over, pard. But, uh… [As Mikey.] I’ve got to get out of here. Meeting at eight in the morning, you know.

MIKEY: MW, this isn’t going to work, this is a– a Stinky-tier idea. You’re gonna get found out, and you’re gonna look guilty! Because, honestly, you’re acting pretty guilty.

MW: You let me worry about that, Mikey. I’ll catch ya around.

MIKEY: Wait, MW!

[Time travel noise.]

MIKEY: Why are we like this!?

[Scene transition.]

[We hear the sound of the fire and outdoor ambience.]

[Young Bluster snorts.]

TEX: What’s wrong, TXDawg? You barely even touched Scamper. Now eat up. You’re the one what wanted to rest for the night. You’re gonna need all the energy you can get when we head into the valley in the mornin’.

TXDAWG: I’m sorry, Tex, uh, I can’t eat this squirrel. You gave it a name, which means that I can see its soul now. Uh, and it’s– it’s– it’s too hot out here, I– I don’t have any appetite.

TEX: I killed that dang squirrel so you’d have somethin’ to eat tonight, pilg. You better eat up while he’s still hot from the fire. You don’t want him goin’ to waste, do ya?

TXDAWG: No, I– I don’t, but my spirit energy–

TEX: Then eat.

TXDAWG: Okay, okay. I– I surrender. I’m… eating Scamper now…

OLD MAN: He’s right, ya know, TXDawg. You’re gonna want a full belly for when Young Bluster leads us straight into that inferno and we burn to death.

TXDAWG: You think he’s gonna keep bringing us closer to the fire?

TEX: That’s where he’s leadin’ us, so that’s where we’re goin’, pard.

OLD MAN: Now, I don’t see how we’re ever gonna figure out when in time we are. It ain’t like Oldbrush Valley’s gonna have clues for us. Everything’s gonna be ashes, assumin’ it ain’t still on fire when we get there.

TEX: We ain’t lookin’ for clues no more, Old Man. Followin’ Bluster’s our top priority. We can figure out the rest after he’s taken us where we’re supposed to go.

TXDAWG: I’m not even sure that it matters where this is happening anymore. We all saw the tapes—all of the ones that would work in the VHS player, at least. The Michael on those tapes was clear about why this is happening. This is the future that happens if Base picks the wrong iterations to send back to begin the Satellite Base in Latvia. That is how we put a stop to this, not by figuring out when it is going to happen.

OLD MAN: Yeah, yeah. Our fifth challenge. Fifth challenge, my ass. I bet Michael thought he was so funny sayin’ that.

TXDAWG: For what it’s worth, our spiritual anchors are all pulling us towards the center of town. Uh– Tex, you more than anybody else, strangely. But, it’s the same way that Young Bluster is leading us, meaning directly into the inferno. I don’t know who is beckoning us to them, but their willpower is strong.

TEX: Well, bein’ out here beats bein’ locked in that basement, TXDawg. We don’t even know what that place was.

OLD MAN: Huh? Sure we do, Tex. That there was Edgar’s basement.

TEX: What are you talkin’ about? If’n that was his basement, then where is his house, ya idjit?

OLD MAN: Oh, I– I get it now. Y’all don’t know what’s goin’ on. Need someone closer to Base to explain to ya. Well, you’re lucky you got Old Man here. I guess neither o’ y’all were involved in that whole calamity. A long, long time ago, back before we was stuck in that Dome, Base was runnin’ experiments to try to strengthen the tech. Chance and Mikey came out here and built a copy o’ Edgar’s basement, just to see if they could. Now, that Mikey, he weren’t our Mikey. He was a Compound “duplicate.” …I had caught onto this fact, and Chance almost blew my whole plan by figurin’ it out for himself. He had to go back and correct it so that he didn’t tip that lowlife duplicate off. They did the basement experiment, yadda yadda yadda. Then, eventually, Tex here broke Mikey outta Storage and put Stinky in his place.

TEX: I only learned what was happenin’ once Base went missin’ and they needed my help. So, I did my part. I don’t remember the rest o’ all that.

OLD MAN: You don’t remember, ’cause I was Michael a lot more recently than you were, Tex.

TEX: I don’t see why that matters, Old Man.

OLD MAN: It don’t gotta matter. Just an observation.

TEX: Why don’t you shut up and eat your squirrel, too?

TXDAWG: That’s really interesting, Old Man. So that was Edgar’s basement. I didn’t say anything, but I felt like I could feel Edgar’s ghost in the basement the whole time? Even before I knew that.

TEX: His ghost? TXDawg, Edgar ain’t dead.

TXDAWG: We don’t know when in time we are, Tex. We could be 200 years in the future, where Edgar would surely be dead. But you don’t have to be dead to have a ghost. It’s complicated, but I can teach you what my guru taught me. But, if we were in Edgar’s ghost basement, why would someone put us there? Did they want us to see the tapes? Were they trying to keep us out of the way so that we don’t ruin the handoff?

OLD MAN: Or so that we do ruin the handoff, dependin’ on who sent us there.

TXDAWG: So, you think that we’re the dangerous iterations from the message, Old Man?

OLD MAN: I reckon there’s at least two sides to this, pard. There’s the side that wanted us locked up there, and there’s the side what broke us out. Hopefully by the end of this, we’ll know which side’s which.

TEX: I been around long enough to know there’s way more than two sides, pard.

TXDAWG: I guess that’s something we will have to discover in the morning. [Yawns.] I think I am going to check on MDawg and go to bed. Do either of you have any water that I could give him?

TEX: Young Bluster! [Claps.] Hey! Think you can find some water for us?

[Young Bluster snorts.]

TXDAWG: Uh, I guess I’ll go with Young Bluster to collect water, then?

TEX: Nonsense. You go rest, TXDawg. Bluster can handle it. He’s the smartest horse there ever was. Ain’t that right, Young Bluster?

[Young Bluster snorts.]

TEX: Attaboy. Now go get some water for MDawg.

OLD MAN: Tex, it don’t matter how smart he is, the horse ain’t got hands. I’ll go get us water just as soon as I finish reinforcin’ the lean-to. I’m scared it’s gonna fall in on us while we’re sleepin’.

TEX: You can go with Young Bluster if’n you want. I built that lean-to stable.

OLD MAN: I’m just tryin’ to help out, pard. Wanna make sure it’s structurally stable. Don’t want it fallin’ in on MDawg, ya know. We got folks to protect besides yourself.

TEX: Don’t I know it, pard. That’s why I’m takin’ charge on this. The Satellite Base I run down in Texas is the stronghold of this entire organization. No one got a defensive array like us.

OLD MAN: Now, I never heard of no one callin’ it a Satellite Base, but I get you’re sayin’. Ya gotta keep your pawns safe for when you wanna sacrifice ’em, huh?

TEX: Don’t think that I ain’t noticed that you been lookin’ for trouble with me this whole time, Old Man.

OLD MAN: I ain’t been lookin’ for trouble. Trouble’s been right in front of me. I know you stole my tape, Tex!

TXDAWG: Tex! You stole Old Man’s tape?

TEX: I sure did, TXDawg, and I was right to steal it. It had a message for me on it. I heard it while you two were starin’ at the door like a couple o’ nincompoops.

OLD MAN: That take had my dang name on it, Tex!

TEX: Whoever’s name was on it, Michael figured out that I was gonna be listenin’ to it. Which means it was for me. Don’t matter if it had your name on it, or Taylor Yarmouth, or whoever. It’s my tape.

TXDAWG: Okay, you watched the tape. What did it say? Did it talk about us? Did it say why we’re here?

TEX: I reckon if you were supposed to know, then you woulda seen the tape, pard.

OLD MAN: Tex, we’re a team right now. This ain’t a joke. We need to know what’s on that tape. It could be life or death. I was supposed to see it. It had my name on it!

TEX: No, it said “old man” on it. That ain’t a name. That’s somethin’ folks call you, ’cause you’re a iteration of an iteration nobody cares about. You ain’t got no part in this handin’ off business. Your job is to get out of the dang way and make sure you don’t end up gettin’ sent back ’cause you got mistaken for the right iteration.

TXDAWG: Tex, I don’t like your aura right now. The fire is feeding into it, and it’s making the whole area hot, and I’m just– I’m really uncomfortable.

TEX: Then get! Go meditate, or somethin’. I’ll whistle once the water gets here.

OLD MAN: Don’t talk to him like that. You’re scarin’ ‘im.

TEX: He’s my MDawg, I’ll talk to him how I please.

OLD MAN: I reckon you think everything’s yours, don’tcha, Tex? Quit bein’ such a hothead, and hand over the dang tape, ya ingrate.

TEX: You want this tape right here?

[We hear Tex fiddle with the tape.]

OLD MAN: Tex, stop it!

TEX: It says right here on the outside not to propagate it under any circumstances. And I thought y’all cared about what it said on the outside. Now, I already listened to it, so all I got left to do is…

[We hear Tex start breaking the tape apart.]

TEX: There we go.

OLD MAN: Tex. Stop it.

TEX: You’re free to… [Destroys the tape further.] try to put it back together, but I ain’t optimistic.

OLD MAN: You sonuvabitch, Tex, that was mine!

[We hear a gun cock.]

TEX: Not so fast, Old Man. Lay one finger on me, and Young Bluster’s diggin’ you a grave tonight.

TXDAWG: Tex, please. I know that you’re fighting, but we all come from the same mother soul. This is so disruptive to our auras, to our projections on the astral plane…

TEX: I’m relatively certain Edgar’s gonna kill all the stray iterations, anyway. Everyone’s gonna make a run for the doors once they open, and Edgar’s gotta make sure that losers like Old Man don’t get through. And there’s only one way to be sure.

OLD MAN: Are you gonna kill me or not, Tex? Not even Eagle plays with his food like this.

TEX: I probably won’t kill ya, pilg, if’n ya stand right there and don’t move.

TXDAWG: Tex, you are a brother to me, but this has gotten out of hand. We are a team. We need to cooperate, and it is dangerous out here. The town is on fire.

TEX: I never agreed to be part of no team when Ty let me out of the Compound. Consider this my resignation from the group. Now, I’m gonna saddle up and ride out if my services are no longer wanted. Y’all can let me worry about this stranger sendin’ us messages. Find your own dang ride home.

OLD MAN: You ain’t takin’ Young Bluster, Tex!

TEX: Just watch me. You comin’, TXDawg?

TXDAWG: Me? Uh– You c– You’re just gonna leave them here? …Tex, MDawg is hurt.

TEX: That’s Old Man’s problem now.

TXDAWG: But, they– they would be stranded, Tex. We don’t know where we are. [Sniffs.] …You– You know what? You smell like Nobody. Not a– a literal smell, but my– my third nostril is open, and you smell just like Nobody before he… before he betrayed us and killed me.

TEX: You don’t remember none o’ that, ‘sides stories you were told. That whole incident got corrected.

TXDAWG: Your spirit has memory. I’ve relived it in a different realm.

TEX: Well, TXDawg. If you ain’t comin’, I reckon I’ll smell ya later. I ain’t gonna miss the hippie-dippie talk. Now, I’m gonna get on Young Bluster and ride. I don’t care what y’all do. Best o’ luck to ya.

[We hear Tex get ready to leave.]

OLD MAN: Tex, [Brief huff.] if ya need me to swallow my pride so bad, f-fine. You can lead the pack, or whatever.

TEX: Sorry, Old Man. I already made up my mind. I’m outta here. You ready to ride, Bluster?

[Young Bluster snorts. We hear Tex mount him.]

TEX: Y’all try and stay cool out here tonight. It’s a hot one.

[We hear him ride off.]

TXDAWG: Tex, wait… [Sighs.] What has gotten into him?

OLD MAN: If’n I had to guess, TXDawg, I’d say that Nobody messed him up worse than he cares to admit. But… [Putting on a happy face.] we’re gonna be okay, pard! We’re gonna figure this out, we’re gonna save Oldbrush Valley, and we’re gonna beat Tex home to boot. So, why don’t you go make sure MDawg’s nice and comfortable, and I’ll find us some water.

TXDAWG: Okay, but now Young Bluster isn’t showing us the way. Where are we going?

OLD MAN: We’ll figure that out in the mornin’ once the sun’s out. I bet it’ll be easy to figure out where to go. All we gotta do till then’s stay put. Ya gotta trust in Old Man, is all. [Pause.] Do ya trust me, TXDawg?

TXDAWG: Yes, Old Man, I– I trust you. I… don’t think I wanna be TXDawg anymore…

[Ambience fades out.]

[Closing theme plays.]

[Every Part Of The Animal plays.]

did the social thing

and asked about your whereabouts

mutuals shrug shoulders shake their heads

when I saw you last there was a haze around the truth

you don’t know about me

let me prove it to you

circumstances dictate

bare my soul and swallow whole

you wouldn’t recognize me like this

in tender viscera

have you seen the back of my throat?

I can show you now,

I can show you now,

why don’t you get in there?

I will shut my mouth

I was stepping out on the misery

given time to commiserate i will find

the common line

the difference between my life

and every part of the animal

found a highschool mixtape

of the songs I used to play

full of demo covers of songs that I hate

broke it over my knee, threw it in the fireplace

who needs sentimental shit like this?

It will die with me,

I will bury it  

[END Episode 175.]