[INTERMISSION XXIX] – POSTCARD STORIES: THE REN FAIRE! (COMPOUND CHARACTERS)

SUMMARY

Ty, Felix, and Helen visit the Ren Faire! This is part 1 of the Ren Faire postcard stories. Parts 2 and 3 will be available on the patreon in the coming days. Season 15 resumes next week. Enjoy.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Intermission XXIX.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Welcome to Intermission XXIX. I hope you’re enjoying Season 15. I am currently on vacation. So, in the meantime, I thought that I would share with you guys something that I thought made the August anniversary postcards so special. Each one of them was written by one of the voice actors from the show writing in the voice of their character. When the time for an intermission came around, they had the idea of recording their postcards to share them with all of you. An intermission where 12 voice actors read 126 postcards would be long and unwieldy. So, I’m breaking it up into three parts and putting the other two parts on the Patreon in the coming days. The story that you are about to hear is the story of the Compound characters, and these are real postcards that were really sent out to real patrons. If you would like to hear what the other characters were up to, you can sign up to my Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone to get Parts Two and Three when they come out. You can also check out the postcards channel in my Discord, where people share their postcards once they’ve received them. And if you really love postcards so much, why don’t you marry them at the $15 level. $15-and-up patrons are married to a postcard every single month. Thank you all so much for listening, Season 15 resumes next week, and without further ado, here are the August 2024 postcards.

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there! a Renaissance fair! Another brilliant idea of mine to help Base relax after all the trials and tribulations of the past… arbitrary time period. I’m sure they’ll be completely and utterly historically accurate to whichever renaissance they’re choosing to portray. Base will be so happy!

Yours in anticipation,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there! Did you know that Americans have not the first idea about history? This is the Disneyfication of education if ever I saw it. Those Renaissance Fair costumes are not remotely how people dressed in any of the past or future renaissances, and they certainly weren’t strutting around in polyester. Calamity!

Yours dejectedly,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. What would I do without Felix? That cheeky scamp knows just how to cheer me up. I must speak to Gold about giving him a pay raise. He’s bought me a meat pie and suggested that at this Renaissance Fair we just get in the swing of things in a costume, and I have just the ticket! We could win the costume competition with this one!

Yours glowingly,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. My idea for a costume at this Renaissance Fair involves an extra person besides me and Felix. I don’t really want to iterate Felix for this. You know what happened last time. So, I’m going to reach into the past and get Helen along. Oh, this’ll be a crowd-pleaser for sure! And there’ll be absolutely no cleanup necessary.

Yours conspiratorially,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. So, here we are at the Renaissance Fair, and Helen and Felix listened enraptured as I explained my amazing idea for the costume competition to them. Yes! The good sir knight and his trusty horse. …Felix immediately said that Helen should be the rear end, which seems perfectly reasonable to me. I’m happy for them to work it out together.

Yours collaboratively,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. Helen and Felix are working like busy, little bees on their part of our awesome costume for the Renaissance Fair we’re attending. In the meantime, I’ve been trying the archery, axe-throwing, and other fun stalls here, and suffice to say, I have won quite a lot. No Calculator needed at all. …Eh, well, not after every attempt.

Yours honestly,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. Where has Felix got to!? We’re at the Renaissance Fair, and Helen has returned to me with a matching squire costume to my knight’s outfit, but without Felix. [Sighs.] He’s probably been distracted by the food stalls again. If he’s not careful, Samantha will be extra snarky towards him next time she sees him. I do worry about the poor lad.

Yours carefully,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. I found Felix! Ah, well, he found me, I should say. I was winning at the turkey leg eating competition (it is very tricky to wrangle just food in one’s mouth with a Calculator, but needs must), and he showed up in the back end of a horse costume! I must say, though, I have a Tyrrific idea for him in those brown trousers and tail.

Yours hungrily,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. We’re at this Renaissance Fair, and Felix, Helen, and I have had our photo taken next to a woeful band. I can’t imagine what they’re playing on their instruments, but it sounds utterly dismal. Felix looks a bit under the weather, too, but I can’t imagine why. It’s a shame I couldn’t give him the last part of his new costume before the photo was taken.

Yours photogenically,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

TY [narrating]: Hello, there. We’re at a Renaissance fair, and Felix is beaming so happily at me! With a slight alteration to the tail of his back end horse costume, a pair of goat’s horns, and those panpipes that the doleful group of so-called minstrels were using, he is now the very picture of a satyr! He brings me such joy and happiness in the twinkle now in his eyes, so charming to see! A triumph!

Yours contentedly,

Ty

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello. Ty told me all about a Renaissance fair in O.B.V. (Oldbrush Valley), and I thought it sounded like a whole heap of fun. I thought we might actually travel back to the Renaissance Age (you know, as Helen’s clothes might be vaguely fashionable in 1502), but we’re just in the middle of nowhere in 2024. Oh, well. Must dash. Ty wants to enter the costume competition.

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello. Have you ever entered a costume competition at a Renaissance fair? Is it spelt “fair”? Or “faire”? Or “fayre”? [Noncommittal noise.] Anyhow, costumes. Ty has an idea for some kind of joint costume? But he says it’s a surprise? He’s waiting for Helen to get here before he tells me. I hope he breaks the news to her gently that we’re doing a joint costume and she’s not invited!

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello. There are so many new people around these days. One minute, it’s just you, 73 iterations of Ty and 16 Samanthas, and the next thing you know, there’s some chap called Sax (who is very much not from Surrey!), and a whole heap of other people I’ve never heard of before, and you’re all at a Renaissance fair together. Oh, and Helen’s here, too. Ugh.

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: ‘Ello. [Chuckles.] Have you ever heard an Arctic Monkeys cover band that only use Renaissance-era instruments? Because I have, and it was incredible. If you haven’t heard the introduction to “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor” played on a sackbut, then you just have not lived. Amazing. I’m meeting Ty later to discuss a joint costume for the Renaissance Fair. Best weekend ever!

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello. Have you ever met Helen? Don’t you think she’d look great dressed up as the back end of a horse? We’re at the Renaissance Fair this weekend, and Ty wants the three of us to coordinate some kind of joint, fancy dress costume. He said we should share a pantomime horse and he could be a knight. Helen thinks she should be the front end, but that’s absurd! [Takes a breath.] I shall challenge her to a duel to decide.

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello. It’s official. Helen and I are going to have a duel. We’re at a Renaissance fair, so apparently it has to be realistic but simulated time-period-appropriate violence? I do hope she remembers to duck when I swing my cudgel. It would be a terrible shame if she got hurt accidentally and had to go back to 1980-whatever the rest of the weekend.

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello! Can– Can you believe it? Helen didn’t show for our duel at the Renaissance Fair? I think she recognized, deep down, that Ty clearly wanted me to win? She’s pretending that it doesn’t bother her, but [Gravelly.] we know the truth, eh? [Laughs.]

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: I have been betrayed! Deceived! Duped! Misled, hoaxed, baited, ensnared, bamboozled! [Breathes heavily.] Duped! Again. Hoodwinked! [Growls.] Helen did not turn up for our showdown at the Renaissance Fair, because she was too busy going off behind my back to choose a new joint costume with Ty! This. Shall. Not. Stand!

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello. Ty and Helen are at the turkey eating competition together wearing matching costumes as a knight and his squire. Helen says I completely misunderstood a joke about her dueling me for the right to be Ty’s horse and that she’s very happy to leave me to it. …This is not how I thought today would end. Ah, well.

Yours,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Hello! Ty, Helen, and I have taken a group photo together in front of the sackbut and lute Arctic Monkeys cover band we discovered at the Renaissance Fair. They look great as a knight and squire, but I look quite strange wearing just the back end of a pantomime horse costume. The boss said I look “Tyrrific!” But he’s a known and compulsive liar. He’s promised to make it up to me. We’ll see.

Best,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

FELIX [narrating]: Dear Helen,

What even is the point in you? I know Baby Ty found you interesting back in the 80’s before he learned decency and taste, but these days, it’s– [Pause.] Oh. No. I’ll cross that out, that’s not very kind. [Clicks tongue.]

Helen,

The satyr costume really was a kind idea. You’re not entirely terrible. I hope Hunter likes his toy sword.

Regards,

Felix

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

I will admit, I was a bit hesitant about this whole “Renaissance Fair” ordeal when we have so much going on already. But it was Ty’s idea, and I have been wanting to spend more time with this Ty. He seemed keen on me attending, something about a costume contest with Felix? Sounds about right that they couldn’t win without me. Maybe this’ll be good fun, and I can take Hunter to one when I go home.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear Mikey,

I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t get invited to the fair. I’m sure you would’ve come up with a very elaborate costume. Speaking of costumes, Ty wants Felix and I to dress up as his horse to match his knight. Can you believe that? I have to find a way to get out of this.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

I can’t believe this is who Ty eventually becomes friends with in my absence. The nerve! First of all, I don’t think Ty thought through putting me and Felix in such close proximity with one another? Second of all, I can’t believe he wants the two of us to be his horse! And, worse yet, Felix thinks I should be the back end! I told him exactly what I thought of that. Or rather, I would have, but there are children around… God, no costume contest is worth this.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

I would call myself a good friend to have. Am I “dress up as a pantomime horse with my rival” level of a good friend? I’m not so sure. Regardless, I have time to get out of this. I’ve taken the opportunity to slip away and look at the activities and the booths. This Renaissance Fair really is quite elaborate. I should pick up a wooden sword for Hunter. Most importantly, though, I see many costumes to choose from. I might yet be saved.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

When Felix suggested the duel, I really thought he was joking at first. But I know what bloodlust looks like, and he’s got it. I can’t blame him, I suppose. Who knew the Renaissance Fair would provide a place specifically for such activities? Of course, the weapons are foam, but that’s never stopped me before. On one hand, this will be over quickly. On the other hand, is this demeaning?

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

I didn’t realize there were going to be new faces at the fair. And it was very pleasant to meet Charlie’s girlfriend, Marissa. What a competent, young woman. And apparently she’s a patrol guard at O.V.E.R. I’m comforted to know that my role will be in such good hands one day. And those two, Chris and Ryan, also seem like responsible, young men. Hunter will have so many nice friends one day.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

I can’t do this. As much as I would enjoy absolutely destroying Felix in a duel and finally cement myself as Ty’s best friend in every timeline… I can’t. The idea of being the head or rear of Ty’s noble ass doesn’t fill me with joy. Is it dishonorable? Maybe. But I found a lovely squire costume in one of the stalls, and Ty seems to like it well enough. A knight and his squire are a much better matching costume for the contest anyway. Sorry, Felix.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: [Sighs.] Dear So-and-So,

I feel a bit bad? I didn’t expect Felix to look so… dejected when he found Ty and I at the turkey leg eating contest? I told him that I was only joking about accepting the duel in effort to ease… my conscience about lying to him, and… it didn’t work. Will I forgo the squire costume and agree to be a horse again? No, but I still feel a bit bad, like I’m… setting a bad example.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

I don’t know what the “Arctic Monkeys” are, but Felix seems to really like them. After lying to him about the duel and swapping costumes, it was only fair that I entertained his request to take a picture with the real Arctic Monkeys band. It’s nice that he’s a fan of the local band scene, I suppose. He is wearing the back end of the horse and looks like he wants to cry, I think. [Winces.] Poor guy… Maybe I can help him?

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

This Renaissance Fair isn’t at all like I thought it would be. Back in my day, they had quite the reputation for being linked to the Communist Party, which, in hindsight, makes no sense. Why would the Communists want to frolic, dressed up as fairies? I think my parents didn’t want to bring me, because they knew that I would take one look at the jousters and decided that’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. I’ll be sure to take Hunter to one.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

I think I have an idea. With Felix wearing the rear end of the horse costume, an idea struck me. I’ve always been a fan of the Narnia books, you see, and Felix almost looks like a satyr. I… may have mentioned this to Ty after he noticed how blue Felix was looking after our picture? Best for Ty to be the one to make him feel better, I think. And, this way, Ty will think it was his idea! This is a win-win, really.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

HELEN [narrating]: Dear So-and-So,

With our Renaissance adventure coming to a close, I pulled Felix to the side and treated him to drink at the tavern. Despite our differences (and there are many), in the end, we are just two people who want Ty to be happy. And today clearly proved that we will both do whatever it takes to make that happen. Now, we’re not friends, mind you, but I can respect him enough to buy him a drink. And… maybe one day, we’ll be friends.

Best,

Helen

[Postcard jingle.]

[END Intermission XXIX.]