172: Ghostfire

SUMMARY

It is unknown to young lovers, intoxicated by spring

But when Python feels its icy flames, he’ll know everything.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 172.]

INTRO: Hello, fellows. Brief promotion. I’m still streaming every Sunday on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. This past Sunday was a lot of fun. I performed a two-and-a-half-hour acoustic set for everyone, playing some WOE.BEGONE songs and some other songs from my catalogue. You can still see the vod over on my Twitch channel, and be sure to follow if you don’t want to miss out next time. That is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, corkboards, and more. There is a Q&A coming up this week, so if you would like to ask me questions or hear the answers, now is a great time to sign up at the two-dollar-and-up level. Again, that is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Opening theme plays.]

TY: Alright, Matt. You’ve done quite well so far. The physical is nearly complete. I just need to check your pupils, and then we’ll be done.

PYTHON: It’s Python, actually. I keep telling you. I don’t know who Matt is.

TY: Yes, of course, Python. Okay, “Python,” I need you to look straight ahead for a few seconds. I’m going to shine a light in your eyes, but I want you to keep looking forward. Can you do that for me?

PYTHON: I guess so.

TY: Excellent. And while you’re doing that, perhaps you fill us in on your side of the story. Tell us everything you know.

PYTHON: Starting where?

TY: Oh, wherever you’d like. Favourite classical composer of the 1900s. Any piece of data could be important, you never know.

MIKE: Come on, Ty. Python is obviously a Shostakovich guy, so maybe we can focus on something more relevant? Let’s start with the most important part of your distant past: do you remember meeting me?

PYTHON: Of course I remember meeting you, Mike. I volunteered to test out the Calculator-thingy, [MIKE: You what?] and suddenly I got a note telling me not to do it. [MIKE: Uh.] And that’s when I met you, and you explained to me what happened. Unless you mean when I met Old Man. Because you’re also Old Man, right? Because I met him before that, but… you already knew that.

TY: How curious. Mike, weren’t you and Matt best friends for a number of years? That’s what the whole WOE.BEGONE thing was about, if I remember correctly. When do you remember meeting Matt?

PYTHON: Okay, look. I cannot stress enough that I am not Matt. I’ve never met this “Matt” person. I couldn’t be any less Matt if I tried. I don’t know anything about Matt! Look, if I was Matt from a different point in time, I’d have all of his memories up to that point, wouldn’t I?

MIKE: Well, you should, but–

PYTHON: Yeah, I would.

MIKE: Look, we don’t have to get into how old everyone is, because I met Matt way before the end of Operose, obviously. Ah– M– I’ve– known you– I’ve known him for well over a decade at this point. Python, you’re wearing that Pearl Jam t-shirt we both have. Do you not remember going to that concert with me?

PYTHON: I don’t know how I got this t-shirt. Sorry. It was just… in my closet, where I keep my t-shirts. [Brief chuckle.]

TY: Yes, there’s all sorts of things in the closet that shouldn’t be. Well, let’s narrow our focus. At some point, you moved into the house in Oldbrush Valley.

MIKE: We’ve been calling it the Crust Punk House, to keep things straight. Well, not straight, but not confusing.

TY: The “Crust Punk House”… Yes, well, Python, when did you decide to live there? Ah, what made you decide to live there? [Aside.] …Mike, they’re not really crust punks, are they?

MIKE: No, they’re just sort of crusty. It’s– It’s the name that stuck at Base. Look, I don’t ever get to name things, let me have this.

PYTHON: I–… I don’t know… why I decided to live there. Maybe I saw a listing for it, and the rent was dirt cheap.

MIKE: You– You think “maybe”? Y-You don’t remember seeing the listing, or, y-you know, contacting someone about it?

PYTHON: No. I do not.

MIKEY: Okay, then where did you live before you moved into the Crust Punk House? Did you already live in Oldbrush Valley?

PYTHON: I… don’t remember.

TY: Mm, I think that we’re closing in on the problem. Python, what do you remember about your life before you moved in?

PYTHON: I-I don’t think that I remember anything. I remember living at that house, a-and that’s it. I lived there for a while, then Old Man showed up, and that’s when things started to get wacky.

MIKE: Okay, well, Old Man is only, like, the third wackiest thing about that house, but y-you don’t remember anything before that? Anything at all? Like your whole life? You feel like you came into existence when you arrived there?

PYTHON: I never really thought about it, but the first thing I remember is living in that house. I didn’t feel like I came into existence the moment I got there. What does that feel like exactly?

MIKE: I– I don’t know, man, [Fumbles for words.] Did you have any thoughts and opinions about not remembering anything? Like, what did you think was happening?

PYTHON: I dunno. I guess I thought that maybe something bad happened, and I blocked it out, or maybe something was wrong with me? I was kind of scared of what I might uncover if I went looking, and the people in the house were super nice, so I sorta just… lived there.

TY: Well, if I could just try something, uh, could you just say the alphabet backwards, please?

PYTHON: Uh, give me a second. Um… Z, X–

TY: Zed. It’s zed.

PYTHON: Zed? Like the Power Rangers guy?

TY: “Like the Power Rangers–”? Ugh. Mike, your witness.

MIKE: Ma– Python, you’re thinking of General Zod. And– Can we just skip this? It’s ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA. Can I do it for him, is it cheating? He doesn’t need it for the examination, he just wants to chide you for not saying “zed.” He’s done it to me, like, 30 times.

TY: The examination is complete. [MIKE: I told you.] Nothing is wrong with you, as far as I can tell. I know this wasn’t an in-depth physical, but everything seems to be operating as it should.

MIKE: Okay, but, uh, the brain stuff? You think that’s psychosomatic, or did someone do, like, a– a brain thing on him?

TY: [Laughs.] I– I’m– I’m sorry, uh, “a brain thing”?

MIKE: Yeah, like brain thing, like time travel brain thing. ‘Cause like– Time travel can do brain things, can it?

TY: I suppose that depends on what you mean by “brain thing.” I’m afraid I only have PhDs in neuroscience and quantum mechanics… several of them from Cambridge, Oxford, and, uh, Princeton and Yale.

MIKE: And I’m sure your alma maters are really proud. I mean, like, a brain thing! Like a brain thing. Ah… Brain thing–? Now I’m having a brain thing. Someone erased his memory with time travel.

TY: Ugh. Where to begin with that? [Huffs.] If this technology is used for some other purpose, it is no longer “time travel.” I don’t suppose you’ve noticed, but it is capable of so much more than that. That’s sort of our whole deal at the Compound. [Sighs.] I mean, you are in the medical wing right now. As far as medically inducing amnesia, that’s possible even without advanced technology. But Python here has total retrograde amnesia, right, Python?

PYTHON: If that means that I can’t remember anything before I moved into that house… yeah, retrograde amnesia all the way.

TY: And you don’t have any memories before that whatsoever, not even blurry or vague ones?

PYTHON: Nothin’. Uh–! But I remember everything that happened since then. Well, not everything, but, you know, like a normal amount.

TY: And you otherwise appear to be completely healthy. I’m not sure that there is a mechanism for achieving such an outcome. Memories aren’t stored like files in a computer, for instance. It’s a big mess of firing neurons in there. You can’t target them and just them, no matter what technology you dream up. That’s the thing! Memories… Well, memories are re-remembered every time you remember them, and every time you do that, you overwrite what was there before. Which is how things can change from being in a– a yellow jacket to an orange jacket, or from– a– a-a– a small bit of facial hair to a goatee. Uh, but– Look– This isn’t Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

MIKE: Well, if no one’s meeting him in Montauk, then what do you think happened?

TY: [Scoffs.] I dunno. I-It is always possible he’s lying, he could easily be a malicious actor.

MIKE: Well, yeah, obviously that’s a possibility.

PYTHON: Hey! Uh, guys, you know, I’m– I’m right here.

TY: Ah! Good! So you can answer me. Are you lying to us?

PYTHON: I’m not lying, I’m not Matt, and I don’t appreciate the third degree. I didn’t have to do any of this. I agreed to do it because Mike saved my life, so I owed him a favor. If you’re going to accuse me of lying, I’d like to go home, please.

TY: Oh, with all due respect, unless you have your passport tattooed on your forearm, which, as far as I know from my physical examination, you don’t, I’d like to see you try to get home from Latvia all on your own. Your cooperation is somewhat compulsory.

PYTHON: Uh. That doesn’t make me wanna help you more!

MIKE: Sorry about that. T-That’s classic Ty Betteridge. …Which you might know about? Allegedly? Maybe?

PYTHON: How do we know that he’s not lying? Maybe he can do brain stuff, and he did that brain stuff to me, so he’s telling you that it’s impossible.

MIKE: Well, I know that Mr. Brain Stuff here can do brain stuff, but I’m not sure what brain stuff is his brain stuff, you know?

TY: I promise you that my brain stuff is much more elegant and targeted than this.

PYTHON: So you can do brain stuff!

TY: Well, yes and no. Maybe someone got clever and found a way to do this to you. I just think that there are likelier options. I’ll need to do some more testing.

MIKE: Ty, is the testing brain stuff?

PYTHON: I don’t want you doing brain stuff to me!

MIKE: I think you need to promise M– Python that you’re not going to do any brain stuff.

TY: I will, as long as everyone stops saying “brain stuff,” thank you very much.

MIKE: Okay, but I’m gonna hold you to that. Uh, I guess we could take a break from testing Python, and maybe we can get some sort of trace on where Python came from? You guys can do that, right?

TY: I can only do that if Python here has been transported. Even then, we would have to find the moment and location of the transport. If we can meet those criteria, I can hand the case off to Tracing.

MIKE: Okay, Python, I know that the memory palace hasn’t really been moved into yet, but… do you remember traveling through time? Maybe that’s how this whole thing got started?

TY: Ah! Good point. Do you remember the day that you moved into the house?

PYTHON: Yeah! I think so. I mean, I remember the day. I don’t remember when that day was. [Pause.] Eh– Oh! I know! I bought a cheeseburger at the diner that day. That’s where I met Britches! I paid with my debit card, so it should be on my bank statement.

MIKE: Ty, how much do you wanna bet that this whole thing started off with one big transport to the Crust Punk House? Someone iterated Matt, did some– …reconfiguring to his cranial area… and dumped him at the house.

TY: I think that’s an excellent place to start. Python, would you like to accompany us there? You can show us where and when you believe that you arrived. I’ll handle the rest.

PYTHON: A-Accompany you where exactly?

TY: To the moment that you arrived at the house, of course.

PYTHON: Isn’t that, [Exhales.] I don’t know… dangerous? I’ve already been killed by time travel once. What if this screws something up in the timeline or whatever?

TY: Ah, it’s not dangerous when I do it. I can assure you that everything will be fine. And if everything isn’t fine, that’s not an especially difficult problem to solve.

PYTHON: And there’s no danger of crossing the streams, or the paradox of seeing yourself from the future, or any of that, right?

MIKE: Python, you’ve seen me and Old Man in a room together. That’s me from the future. Uh– Kinda. He’s not necessarily me, but he– he is, but that doesn’t mean that, like, five years from now, I’m gonna be doing all the stuff that he’s doing now? Also, “don’t cross the streams” is– That’s about ghosts. And ghosts aren’t real?

PYTHON: Oh, Mike. I’m pretty sure that ghosts are real. That house is haunted. Flash does a ghost hunting segment for their radio show, and the first episode was them finding ghosts in the house. That’s why they moved in in the first place.

TY: Ghosts aren’t real, I’m afraid. If they were, we wouldn’t be able to hear each other in the Compound over the din of their wailing.

PYTHON: Wait. What all goes on in here?

MIKE: For your sanity’s sake, you don’t want the answer to that.

TY: And I don’t intend to provide it.

MIKE: In fact, now would be a great time to get out of the Compound and go on the mission.

TY: Indeed. It’s time to observe your little housewarming party.

MIKE: Wait. One more question before important stuff starts happening. You don’t remember anything, but you’re seen Ghostbusters?

PYTHON: Yeah. Old Man picked it for movie night.

MIKE: Oh. Interesting, I thought he’d pick a Western.

PYTHON: Oh. We watched plenty of Westerns. He kinda strongarmed everyone into letting him pick the movie for every movie night.

MIKE: I suddenly feel the urge to reiterate that I’m not going to do exactly everything he does in five years. …Alright, let’s go.

[Scene transition.]

[We hear outdoor ambience and the rustling of bushes outside the Crust Punk House. Mike is fiddling with a styrofoam container.]

TY: Did we really need to make that detour to the diner, Mike? Do you really need biscuits and gravy on our stakeout? And don’t they have a more environmentally friendly version of polystyrene here?

MIKE: Look, I’m not in town as much as I used to be, so I try to take advantage of it while I’m here. And I don’t know what “polysacker–”

TY: Polystyrene. Oh. Of course, you call it “styrofoam,” don’t you.

MIKE: Yes, Ty. Welcome to America. We say “styrofoam” and “lieutenant” and “acetaminophen” and “aluminum” and “that’ll be $3,000 for the ambulance, please.” You could’ve got some biscuits and gravy, too, you know. Both of you could have.

TY: I’ve had Felix’s biscuits and gravy, and I must say that I am not a fan.

MIKE: You and your esteemed palate with your mushy peas and your beans for breakfast.

TY: Mike, Mike, Mike… Beans for breakfast– Only if you have it with everything else: the sausage; the bacon; the black pudding; if you’re in Scotland, you have the haggis, as well; the mushroom; the– the fried bread; the, uh, the– all of these things, and a proper cup of tea, but– mushy peas– mushy peas you have with fish and chips! Fish and chips, and no, not your chips. Real chips.

MIKE: Black pudding and haggis [Fiddles with the styrofoam.] isn’t making the argument you think it is.

[Ty huffs.]

PYTHON: [Posh voice.] Well, gentlemen, shouldn’t we, you know, [Normal voice.] be quiet? Isn’t that why we’re hiding in the bushes? Stop squeaking the styrofoam container, Mike.

TY: You see, if it was cardboard, it wouldn’t squeak! In any case, there’s no point in being quiet until Python gets here. He’s going to pop in from somewhere else. It’s not like he can hear us before that.

MIKE: Yeah, come on, man. You’d know, you’re the expert in hiding in the bushes, right?

PYTHON: I’m what?

TY: Oh, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! [MIKE: Uh, it’s Mike.]

Your whole “iterative personhood” spiel goes right out the window any time it’s convenient for you, doesn’t it? Maybe I’m onto something with my theory of personhood. Wouldn’t it make so much more sense if Python were Matt? Isn’t that how you’d like to treat him?

MIKE: Shut up. This is weird and different, and you know it. All of the Mike iterations remember everything the same right up until the moment where we split. Whatever’s going on here is not the same, so the personhood argument is completely different.

TY [smiling]: Hmm. You just don’t want to admit that you agree with me. That’s okay, Mike. I won’t tell the other duplicates about this. What happens outside the Crust Punk House stays outside the Crust Punk House.

MIKE: I don’t agree with you, I just… don’t have an argument yet.

[Time travel sound.]

[We hear rustling.]

MIKE [whispering]: Shit! There he is. Python! That’s you!

PYTHON [whispering]: That’s what it looks like? You sort of just show up?

MIKE [whispering]: Well, what else would it look like? Were you expecting a royal escort?

PYTHON [whispering]: I don’t know. I thought it would be… fancier than that. Or that it would make, like, a “wooooo… woosh woosh” sound, or something. It felt fancier than that when we did it.

TY [whispering]: It was fancier than that. Whoever did this isn’t as sophisticated as we are at the Compound. Uh– You noticed that he was transported slightly off the ground. That’s why he stumbled like that.

MIKE [whispering]: Or someone’s trying to make it look like they’re not sophisticated. [We hear the jingling of keys.] What the fuck is he doing?

TY [whispering]: He’s already got a key to the house.

MIKE [whispering]: Python, how did you already have a key?

PYTHON [whispering]: I don’t know. This isn’t how I remember it! [Pause.] How is that possible? This isn’t what I remember, so how is it what I’m seeing?

[We hear Python unlock the door and go inside.]

MIKE: [Whispering.] Okay, Python. [Stops whispering.] Okay, well, he’s inside now, I can talk. It actually isn’t that difficult to explain. Edgar wrote a whole book about it if you want to read all the answers. Basically, in order for time travel to be possible at all, there has to be a varying amount of “connectivity,” quote, unquote, between events in time. This can be exploited so that you can perform one action without affecting everything down the line. For instance, if you killed me, then Old Man wouldn’t die, even though I keep saying he’s, quote, “me from the future.”

PYTHON: So, if someone killed that version of me here in the past, what would happen?

MIKE: Uh, unclear. That depends on a lot of variables.

TY: I’m more interested in what would happen if Matt died. Or vice versa.

MIKE: Nobody is going to die. [Huffs.] No one. No one is going to die. Not Matt, not iterations of Matt. Ty, do you have everything you need?

TY: It would be nice to inspect the spot he transported to. More data is always welcome. We can get a quicker, more accurate answer if I can examine the driveway.

MIKE: Okay, be quick, and then we’ll get out of here.

PYTHON: We can’t just leave. This isn’t how I remembered it. Something’s wrong. I think we should sneak up to the window. I wanna see what I’m doing in there.

MIKE: See what I mean? You’ve still got those sneaky little Matt instincts.

PYTHON: Please, it’s “sneaky little Python.” Thank you. Enough with the Matt stuff?

MIKE: Okay, well, me and sneaky little Python here are gonna go investigate the window. We’ll catch back up with you when you’re done with your readings?

TY: Oh, yes, that sounds good to me. I only need a minute.

MIKE: Great. Alright, Python. Let’s go snoopin’.

[We hear their footsteps as they approach the house.]

MIKE: [Startles.] W-What the hell, Python? You didn’t tell me that the house was empty when you moved in.

PYTHON: It wasn’t! Robert lived here. I have a clear memory of him showing me my room.

MIKE: Who the hell is Robert? …Oh, the normal one. Regardless, that doesn’t explain why you’re just standing there in the middle of an empty living room. It doesn’t look like anyone’s lived there for years. Look at all the dust! You’re the first occupant of the Crust Punk House.

PYTHON: That doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes any sense. I didn’t even have any bags with me! Where did all of my stuff come from? [Pause.] What is that on the table?

MIKE: [Sighs.] That is a white cowboy hat, covered in blood, with a crow’s feather… in the band.

PYTHON: Why would there be a cowboy hat on the table if no one lives here yet?

MIKE: Because Michael has already been here.

PYTHON: No. Old Man was the next to last one to move in. It was him, and then Magnolia. He wouldn’t have been here yet. Didn’t you say that he was in captivity or something around this time? That’s where he came from, and he was using the house to hide out.

MIKE: All of that could be true, and he still could’ve been here.

PYTHON: Why would he be here? We didn’t even know him.

MIKE: [Huffs.] Michael has this thing that he does sometimes where he’ll meet people in the future, and then he’ll come back in the past and make friends with them before that. That’s how he met his boyfriend, actually. I’m sure the ethics of that are debatable, but ethics haven’t caught up to time travel or Michael yet.

PYTHON: Why would he leave his hat? Did he leave it so that I would find it?

MIKE: [Huffs.] Who knows with him, but I bet figuring out whose blood that is would be a big clue.

PYTHON: Can’t you tell from the blood spatter or something whose blood it is?

MIKE: What do I look like, Dexter? Don’t answer that. What are you doing in there?

PYTHON: I don’t know! This didn’t happen to me.

MIKE: Looks like you’re going right for the cowboy hat.

PYTHON: Why would I pick up the cowboy hat?

MIKE: I have no idea, Python, take it up with your god, or– [We hear a very strange sound.] Holy shit.

PYTHON: What the hell was that!? What happened to me!? Where did I go?

MIKE: Uh, uh– Python, I don’t mean to alarm you, but I have absolutely no fucking idea what just happened.

PYTHON: What do you mean you have no idea!? Aren’t you the– expert at this sort of thing?

MIKE: No one is an expert, and I’m not one of the people that pretends to be. This shit is confusing, and ideas get sent back in time with no way to decipher them or figure out where they originated, so no, I have no idea what we just saw.

PYTHON: It looked like I got… ripped apart!

MIKE: It did look like that, yeah. Uh, I’ve never seen anything like that before. It looked like all of the atoms in your body got transported in separate directions, or like you got sucked into a black hole or something.

PYTHON: Those Calculator things can’t generate a black hole, can they?

MIKE: No, I think if that was possible, we would’ve learned the hard way by now. It wasn’t a Calculator that did, uh… whatever that was. I do not know what it was.

PYTHON: Was it the hat?

MIKE: Could the hat be a– a trap, you mean? Uh, yeah. Which is why you should never touch a cowboy hat. Uh, we’re gonna have to find Ty and see if he can trace whatever this is, too.

PYTHON: Did I–… Did I die? It looked– It looked like I died, like I 1,000% died.

MIKE: Um, how to put this. Yes, absolutely.

PYTHON: If I died in the past, what does that mean for me now? Am I going to die?

MIKE: I don’t think that that is possible to fully know. I don’t even know what happened. I-It’s possible that you survived that somehow. I don’t know, this shit’s tricky.

PYTHON [panicked]: Mike, Mike, am I going to die!?

MIKE: So, you know how doctors aren’t supposed to say “Everything’s going to be alright,” because there’s always an outside chance that it won’t be? Well, I mean, if told you “no,” and you did die, you’d be dead, so it wouldn’t really matter. So no, Python, you’re not going to die.

PYTHON: Oh, god. I am so screwed. Why did I let you bring me here!

MIKE: I think that this would’ve happened whether or not we were here. You didn’t have any effect on what happened here. A-At least, I don’t think you did. I-I– Unless this all happened because we came here.

PYTHON: What are we going to do?

MIKE: We are going to go find Ty in the driveway and tell him what happened, and then he’s gonna get us the hell out of here.

PYTHON: Whatever gets us out of here the fastest.

MIKE: Alright, to the driveway it is.

[We hear Python and Mike head back.]

MIKE: Hey, uh, Ty?

TY: Ah, there you are. I do believe I have everything that I need. I should be able to get Tracing on this ASAP. It shouldn’t take long for them to pinpoint where the transport originally came from. If the location was scrubbed, it may take a bit longer, but we’ll get to the bottom of this eventually. [Pause.] Python, what’s wrong? You, uh… look a bit pale. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

MIKE: We sort of did see a ghost.

PYTHON: You said that ghosts aren’t real!

MIKE: We snuck up to the window and looked inside, and it was dusty and abandoned. Nobody was living in it.

TY: Nobody was living in it?

MIKE: Ugh! No one was living in it. That idiot’s been dead for how long, and his name is still causing problems? Fuck that guy. Okay, so there was a cowboy hat on the table, Python picked up the cowboy hat, and, uh… it’s hard to say what happened next, but he’s not in there anymore. It looked like he was getting pulled apart while he was being transported. Uh– I’ve never seen anything like it.

PYTHON: Am I gonna die, Ty? I asked Mike, and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. If that’s me in the past, how am I still here? Would I be dead just like he is?

MIKE: I tried explaining to him that that’s not how it works, but he didn’t find it very consoling.

TY: Oh, my, my, my. That is troubling. Mm… It seems that more is going on here than I originally suspected. Uh– You should be fine, though, Python. If you were going to disappear, you would’ve done so already.

MIKE: Well, what’s your professional opinion, Ty? You think someone ordered a connectivity strike on him? Or Matt?

TY: I have a hunch that Tracing is going to reveal an even deeper rabbit hole than we thought, Mike. [Pause.] Did you say that there was a cowboy hat? Michael sure does get around, doesn’t he?

MIKE: Yup, and there was blood on the cowboy hat, and when Python picked up the hat, that’s when everything went to shit.

TY: Oh, dear, how concerning. I think this is a sign that we should adjourn back to the Compound. We can debrief there and get the two of you back to safety. Uh– You should check in on Matt when you get back, as well. We don’t know if any of this has affected him, do we?

MIKE: No, he doesn’t know about Python yet. I was gonna wait for more information before going to him.

TY: Very well, then our next steps seem to be clear. I’ll get on with Tracing, you’ll get on with Matt, and Python is free to go home until we have more questions for him.

PYTHON: Go home? To that house?

MIKE: That is where you live.

PYTHON: I just saw myself explode in that house, Mike. You want me to go back and live there? What if someone is out to get me? I need to go somewhere else.

MIKE: Python, if someone is sophisticated enough to do all of this, then running away isn’t going to deter them.

TY: I understand your hesitancy, Python, but… Well, you know, you could always–

MIKE: No, Ty, we’re not doing that.

TY: Oh, come one, you have to admit, it would be exceedingly safe. We got rid of the Arctic Monkeys.

MIKE: The Arctic Monkeys aren’t the problem!

PYTHON: What would be safe?

TY: You’re free to come and stay at the Compound for as long as you like. Who knows, you might think of something that blows this whole case wide open.

MIKE: Matt– Python. You do not want to stay in the Compound! It is not a pleasant place to be.

TY: [Chortles.] Oh, Mike. That’s the nicest way you’ve described the Compound in ages.

MIKE: That’s because I’m trying not to scare him.

PYTHON: I’ll do it.

MIKE: Okay, well, I did mean to scare you a little bit.

PYTHON: I said I’ll do it.

TY: Excellent. Mike and I will solve this little mystery for you, and you’ll be back to normal life quicker than you can say “ten Benson & Hedges and a packet of King Size Rizla, please.”

MIKE: He’s not lying, Python. You will be back to your normal life quicker than you can say– that.

[Time travel noise.]

[Ty, Python, and Mike make startled sounds.]

TY: What–!?

MIKE: You almost landed on top of us, asshole!

PYTHON: What the hell?

PYTHON 2: Uh… hello? Where am I? Do I know you? Are you– Are you me?

TY: Uh, Mike. Would you like to field that question?

MIKE: Not an appropriate time, Ty.

PYTHON 2: You look just like me. What is going on?

PYTHON: I think… I might be you from the future.

[Closing theme starts playing.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE. The voice of Matt—…I mean Python—was Jamie Petronis. Check out his podcast The Cellar Letters. [Rapping.] And the voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out his podcast Shadows At The Door, or go to davidault.co.uk for more. [Stops rapping.] And thanks for playing.

[Closing theme plays out.]