171: Pure Gold

SUMMARY

Hey, don’t touch the Calculator

Because the Calculator will surely kill you.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 171.]

INTRO: Hey, guys, quick plugs. I am streaming every Sunday on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. We had a small fundraiser the past month or so, and because we met our goal, this Sunday I’m going to be doing an acoustic stream, where at least for the first of the stream, I’m going to be playing acoustic songs from my catalogue, from WOE.BEGONE, and elsewhere. So if that sounds fun, you’re not going to want to miss that. That is patreon.com– That is not patreon.co– That is twitch.tv/woe_– That is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, corkboards, and more. Every week, I am posting the [“Corkboards” starts repeating in the background.”] corkboard outline of the episode, so this week you will see the corkboard for Episode 171, and you’ll see [“Corkboards” stops repeating.] how little it has to do with what actually ended up happening. It’s a cool insight into my process. Also, if you are part of the postcard tier, I just got a label maker, so maybe those’ll get out the door faster. Again, that is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Also, thank you to [REDACTED]. Did I say your name right this time. Enjoy.

[Opening theme plays.]

OLD MAN: Stinky, calm down. We can do this.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Whatever this is isn’t worth– [Yells as he trips and tumbles.]

OLD MAN: Stinky. Stinky! [STINKY (through earpiece): Fuck. What?] What’s going on out there?

STINKY [through earpiece]: I tripped over something. Uh, it’s, uh… It’s… It’s a– It’s a– It’s a shelter, uh. Uh, Old Man, it’s a– it’s a shelter, someone’s living out here.

OLD MAN: You’re sayin’ someone’s livin’ in the middle of the forest inside of O.V.E.R.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Yes, there’s a little lean-to here, and a– a backpack, and, uh… a– a Calculator.

OLD MAN: Well, I think we found what we was supposed to find on our first patrol.

STINKY [through earpiece]: “S-Supposed to find”? Old Man, what do you mean? What am I supposed to do with this stuff?

OLD MAN: First off, take the Calculator, pard. That ain’t somethin’ we want in the wrong hands. And if they’re campin’ inside o’ O.V.E.R. like this, I can’t imagine they’re gonna be friendly. What does that Calculator look like?

STINKY [through earpiece]: W-What does it look like? It looks like a– a Calculator? Uh– I don’t know. O-Old Man, I don’t know anything about this stuff.

OLD MAN: So, ya cain’t tell from lookin’ at it who made it.

STINKY [through earpiece]: N-No, is that possible to do?

OLD MAN: I’ll take a look at it when ya get back. See if I can figure somethin’ out.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Okay, uh. Old Man? I’m not sure I understand what’s going on. Uh– This is O.V.E.R., right? Like, the big bad government facility. So, can someone just live out here in the woods? I thought that O.V.E.R. were, like, in control of everything? So, they’d know that someone was out here.

OLD MAN: O.V.E.R.’s got a strange way o’ operatin’, pard. Some folks think it’s one, big honeypot. Folks go out there lookin’ for time travel, and so O.V.E.R. is able to keep an eye on ’em and make sure they don’t get into no real trouble.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Oh, okay. So, Daddy O.V.E.R. wants us to do time travel at the house, because he doesn’t want us going out and doing it somewhere unsafe. So, wi– with that in mind, how many other people like us do you think are in O.V.E.R.? As in, prospective time travellers.

OLD MAN: Hard to say. Ain’t just us, but it ain’t everyone. The other folks at Base don’t seem like they knew what they were gettin’ into. I meant, maybe Troy, but no one understands what’s goin’ on in his mind.

STINKY [through earpiece]: I– You’re all overthinking it, there’s nothing going on there. Okay, uh, so I’m poking inside this makeshift shelter, and, uh, there’s the backpack and some other personal stuff? Uh… Should I snoop?

OLD MAN: When the opportunity to snoop presents itself, I say take it.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Okay, it’s just– I feel bad? ‘Cause, like, what if this is just, like, some lil’ guy out here who’s, like, down on his luck and had nowhere to go?

[We hear rustling through the bag.]

OLD MAN: This ain’t no ordinary stranger, Stinky. They got a dang Calculator. They got places to go. They can go anywhere they damn well please. So ya ain’t rummagin’ around just to rummage. You’re gatherin’ data.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Okay, well, I’m– I’m rummaging, uh… [Brief pause.] …Oh, shit! Old Man, this is important and all, but I was in here ’cause I was watching Mikey, uh. Should I go catch him, or do I keep going through the backpack?

OLD MAN: You’d better catch up to Mikey. We don’t know how he’s involved in all this. So, uh, take the Calculator and the backpack, and start makin’ your way toward ‘im. You might still be able to catch up. And make sure you don’t pick up nothin’ booby trapped in there.

STINKY [through earpiece]: I wasn’t planning on it. Uh, how do I know if something’s booby trapped?

OLD MAN: Just keep an eye out for the classic traps. You know, your trip wires and your spikes and your blades and whatnot.

STINKY [through earpiece]: “And whatnot,” Old Man?

OLD MAN: Especially whatnot. That’s what’s gonna get ya.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Okay, I don’t see any whatnot. Just some leaves and branches and a sleeping mat and a backpack and a Calculator. So, uh, I guess I’m taking the backpack and the Calculator.

OLD MAN: 10-4. Grab the goods and get yourself out of there, pard.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Yes, I will gladly get out of here. Uh, uh– But don’t get the wrong idea? Uh, just ’cause I have a Calculator, doesn’t mean that I feel comfortable using it? Uh. So, I still need you to beam me out of here when it’s time to go back to Latvia. Uh, I don’t wanna mess something up and make more of me or split me in half inside of a wall or whatever it is. Uh. Plus, the Calculator could be booby trapped with whatnot, and, uh, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

OLD MAN: [Chortles.] Don’t worry, greenhorn. Old Man’ll come pick ya up. That’s why I’m on the other side of this here line. We’ll stick to the plan. Now, you got eyes or ears on Mikey?

STINKY [through earpiece]: Nope, the only thing that I can hear is the forest. Uh, I heard Mikey’s cart driving away for a while, but I haven’t heard it in a couple of minutes, so he’s probably out of my hearing range. He probably blew way past me while I was looking through that stuff. Do you think that we ruined our chances of watching him?

OLD MAN: Not sure, pard. But I think you oughta hightail it out of there if ya wanna catch up to him.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Right, no problem. Okay, so, uh, I was facing that way when I found the shelter. But… Oh! But I was facing that way because I decided to turn around and go back, so I was facing the opposite way of the way that I needed to. Which… means that that way–

OLD MAN: Time to pull out your compass, Stinky.

STINKY [through earpiece]: What compass, Old Man? No one told me to bring a compass. Did you think that I owned a compass for some reason? Does that sound like me? Stinky?

OLD MAN: They need to start trainin’ ya properly over at Base. You need a compass out there. It’s too easy to get disoriented on missions. You need one you can keep on your keychain.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Well, I also don’t have a keychain. I-I don’t have a car, and I just ask the butler to let me in when I’m at Troy’s house, so I don’t have any keys.

OLD MAN: You ain’t got no one takin’ ya under their wing out there, do ya?

STINKY [through earpiece]: “Under their wing”? Uh… Mikey, I guess? Mikey’s the one who’s been showing me around. …Mikey and Troy.

OLD MAN: We’re gonna have to do better than that, pard. Okay. Is the sun settin’ out there yet?

STINKY [through earpiece]: Uh, yes, I can see it through the trees, it is starting to set.

OLD MAN: Then that way is west, pilgrim. The sun sets in the west.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Okay, so that way is west. Uh… Okay, great. How does that get me out of the forest, though?

OLD MAN: Because you seen a map of O.V.E.R., so you know which way is west. Tell me you remember the map, Stinky.

[Silence.]

OLD MAN: Uh. Hello? Uh, Stinky. …You there?

[Silence.]

OLD MAN: Look, I ain’t mean to make fun o’ ya. I can help ya out with directions, I was just hopin’ you could figure it out on your own. It’d be good for you to have some independent mission experience.

STINKY [suddenly, through earpiece]: Hey! Hey, I see you! I-I hear– I hear you, behind that tree? I-I know that you’re out here with me, uh. [OLD MAN: Stinky.] Both of you. Uh… [OLD MAN: Stinky, what’s goin’ on?] M-Mikey, if this is a prank, uh, I’m sorry I was following you around, and there’s a really good explanation for it, [OLD MAN: Stinky, who’s out there with you!?] and if you’re pulling a prank on me, [Fake laugh.] it’s not gonna be funny [OLD MAN: Stinky.] even after it’s over, so if we could just make it stop right now, please? I-I’m too jumpy, I just got back from a seance, and… just come out.

OLD MAN: Stinky, what is goin’ on? Who is out there with ya?

STINKY [faltering, through earpiece]: I have got a gun, and I’ve used it before, and I’m not afraid to shoot you, and I’m actually really good at it because I’ve been trained, and I’ve got a Calculator, and I can push the buttons on it and send you to the– the– the fire… thingy… the– the fire thingy that MDawg went to, and you don’t want that! So, uh. Back off.

OLD MAN: Stinky, you need to get the hell out of there. You need to run! Stinky. Go! Now!

STINKY [through earpiece]: Okay, I’m just going to back up until I make it all the way out of the forest. I don’t care how far that is, I don’t want any trouble. Uh, I just want to be left alone, so let me go, and– Uh, you know what? I won’t say anything to anyone that I saw anything. Because– I-I didn’t! Just some fellas out in the woods.

OLD MAN: Stinky, what is goin’ on? Who the hell is out there with you? [Groans.] Fuck this. I’m extractin’ you, pard. Hold on.

STINKY [through earpiece]: Okay! Okay, I’m setting the backpack down right here. Uh, you can see me. Uh, you can have it. Uh. I thought it was abandoned, so I was going to take it to lost and found. Uh, please don’t come any closer. Um. Uh– This Calculator is contraband. And I don’t want you to use it against me, so I’m [Bitcrush distortion starts.] not going to hand it over. Uh, I don’t wanna hurt you or send you somewhere… [Voice becomes unintelligible.]

OLD MAN: Stinky. Stinky! Come in, Stinky! Are you still there? Uh–! Give ’em whatever the hell they want [Bitcrush distortion ends as the line goes dead.] and get out of there! Tell me where you are so I can extract you. Stinky! [Strikes out in frustration.] Stinky! Fuck!

[Pause.]

OLD MAN: And I suppose you heard all that, Tex.

TEX: I reckon I did. A might cold o’ ya not to tell ‘im what ya had in store for him, but I understand why ya didn’t tell ‘im.

OLD MAN: What the heck do ya mean? I didn’t do all that.

TEX: Oh, ’cause I figured you knew exactly what you was doin’. You and him were the ones that went and got the dang clue from the crows. That was the clue, Old Man. “First patrol.” You knew somethin’ was supposed to happen on Mikey’s first patrol back, and you sent Stinky there to make somethin’ happen. So, don’t be surprised that it worked.

OLD MAN: No, I sent Stinky there ’cause he was supposed to watch Mikey. Somethin’ was supposed to happen to Mikey.

TEX: Sorry, fella, uh, you’re gonna have to help me out here. I don’t know ya well enough to tell if you’re lyin’ to me or to yourself. So, uh, do you really believe that?

OLD MAN: Of course I do, Tex. I would never put Stinky in harm’s way like that.

TEX: You’re lyin’ to yourself, then. Noted. Puttin’ him in harm’s way is why we got Stinky. It’s his purpose. You know that the crows leave clues in order to help us. You asked for a clue from them, and you got one, and you fulfilled it to the letter. And that’s probably a good thing for all of us, pilg. The author of the clue likely wanted that to happen to Stinky in order to help us. ‘Cause the crows ain’t leadin’ ya astray. That was supposed to happen. Whoever left that note has our interest at heart and the hindsight of time travel to make their predictions happen. So ya did good, Old Man, even if ya don’t know it.

OLD MAN: I did not “do good,” Tex. Stinky could be hurt or dead. We need to issue a correction to before when we sent him off to get hurt.

TEX: What I am tellin’ you, Old Man, is I don’t think that’s a great idea. We need to hold our horses for now. We don’t wanna go around correctin’ something where it turns out the right thing to do was to leave it be. We’d just have to do it all over again. A lot o’ confusin’ stuff is happenin’ all at once. I say we talk to Base about it. See if we can put together this with what’s happenin’ with TXDawg. And what all of this has to do with those fellas runnin’ around in your house, one of which turned out to be Matt. Thanks for tellin’ us, by the way.

OLD MAN: Stinky ain’t got a dang thing to do with Python, Tex.

TEX: I guess we’ll see.

[We hear TXDawg call out to Tex from the other room.]

OLD MAN: Did you… hear that just now?

TEX: It sounded like TXDawg.

OLD MAN: Sounded like he was callin’ for you, pard. Might wanna check that out.

TEX [muttering]: What the fuck is goin’ on in there.

[We hear Tex burst into the other room.]

TEX: TXDawg! Was you callin’ for me? Uh–! …W-What is goin’ on?

OLD MAN: What–? Where are the iterations, uh–? Emdubya?

MW: [Stammers.] I don’t know what’s goin’ on, fellas. They were here just a second ago. Uh, TXDawg was doin’ some sorta ritual; he was, like, tryin’ to mind meld with MDawg, or whatever they were doin’. Uh, he was focusin’ real hard on tryin’ to communicate to him, and then they both, uh– vanished. And as soon as they vanished, you two ran in.

TEX: Well, I heard TXDawg. He called out my name from here in this room. And then we ran in.

MW: Uh, I don’t think so, Tex. I was standing right here; I was right beside ‘im. I didn’t hear nothin’.

TEX: You didn’t hear nothin’ at all, Emdubya? ‘Cause I heard him, clear as day. He shouted out “Tex.”

OLD MAN: I heard it, too, Emdubya, and it sure sounded like it was comin’ from this here room.

MW: I got no idea what you folks are talkin’ about. Uh, could it be, like, a-a time travel thing? Like if they’re really time travelin’ with their minds, they– they called out to us somehow?

OLD MAN: You cain’t be serious, Emdubya.

MW: Hey, I’m just goin’ off what they said. Uh, I don’t got no explanation. I-I didn’t hear nothin’, I heard y’all arguin’ in the other room. Speakin’ of: Old Man, ain’t you supposed to be leadin’ Stinky through some sorta mission at O.V.E.R.? Uh, are you done with that job?

OLD MAN: I was commandeerin’ that mission, but something happened, and the line went dead. There was a bunch of distortion, and Stinky saw some people in the forest and quit answerin’.

MW: Well, if it got distorted, then he prolly got transported. That’s what it sounds like on the earpiece when that happens. Maybe they all went to the Oldbrush Valley fire event together? First, we thought that MDawg was the only one bein’ affected, but then it was TXDawg, so naturally we assumed it was iterations o’ him being affected. But if’n it happened to Stinky, then it might be they’re comin’ for the Mikes, one by one.

OLD MAN: Guess we won’t know unless they come for us.

TEX: Or if they end up back here again.

MW: I only seen the one time with MDawg in the apartment. And did they travel there for this long during the other times?

OLD MAN: I weren’t with MDawg the other time. He was doin’ a seance with Mikey and Stinky. So they’d have to say, and neither of em’s here.

TEX: TXDawg was feedin’ Bluster. So, Bluster saw it, but Bluster didn’t say nothin’ about how long it took. Horse time is different than people time, anyway.

MW: If Mikey’s the only one left with any first-hand experience, it might be time to rope him in. I think that everything that was supposed to happen on his first patrol has already happened, anyway. And we really could use his help, ’cause he’s already inside o’ O.V.E.R.

OLD MAN: I would like to know if he’s seen anything. It weren’t clear before when it was just MDawg, but I’m pretty sure now that we’re all under attack.

TEX: You could say that again, Old Man. We need to rustle everyone up and get ’em under the shield, I reckon. Back at my place.

OLD MAN: That would put you in charge of which pawns you get to sacrifice next. I know you love that.

MW: I cain’t just leave the apartment, Tex. I need to be here in case MDawg and TXDawg come back. When MDawg transported earlier, he came back to the exact spot he left from. They could return from this trip, too. And if they do return, they might be hurt, even more hurt. And they might not be able to find us if we all leave.

TEX: I don’t think that we should leave Emdubya here to deal with MDawg and TXDawg alone. Assumin’ that they come back, o’ course.

MW: I don’t see why I couldn’t take care of ’em myself, Tex. I got a Calculator, and I can call you and Base up the second they get back.

TEX: You didn’t hear TXDawg callin’ out for me. So, whatever’s goin’ on, you need someone here to make sure you don’t miss nothin’.

MW: Do you think something’s with my faculties, Tex?

TEX: I surely do not, Emdubya.

MW: Then I know what you’re implyin’, and I didn’t do nothin’ to deserve that kind of treatment!

TEX: You heard TXDawg, too, right, Old Man?

OLD MAN: Yup. I did.

TEX: And as you professed to hearin’ on the other side of the wall, Old Man is hoppin’ mad at me right now just ’cause I ain’t bawlin’ my eyes out over Stinky. So, he ain’t got no reason to lie for me. You said TXDawg was in here, so you would’ve heard ‘im.

MW: Tex, if I was lyin’ to you, I’d find a craftier way to do it.

TEX: You better watch your step, Emdubya. You don’t got Michael to protect ya no more. Mike is in the future, and Base don’t remember you. Edgar’s got a reminder in his calendar to remember that you exist. If’n you’re gonna be a problem, I say we go back to the old way of dealin’ with stray iterations.

MW: You sayin’ you’re gonna kill me, Tex?

TEX: If’n it comes to that, pilg.

OLD MAN: He’ll do it, Emdubya. Tex don’t care about no one ‘cept him and his. Me and you are pawns in this game he’s playin’.

TEX: Damn right, I only care about me and mine. But y’all can choose whether you’re pawns or not. But I gotta trust ya. And I don’t trust you, Emdubya. If TXDawg comes back, I don’t want you to be the only person here.

MW: Then let’s make it so you don’t gotta trust me, Tex. We’ll call everyone up and explain we’re under attack. Stinky, MDawg, and TXDawg are missin’. Somethin’ strange is happenin’ inside o’ O.V.E.R., and this needs to be the new top priority. Drop everything else, and get the whole team in on this. We’ll design a mission and everything. One group stays here in case they come back, one group goes to the Compound and asks about getting some tracin’ done, and one group goes into O.V.E.R. to figure out what Stinky saw.

OLD MAN: We need a team plannin’ corrections in addition to all that.

MW: You reckon a correction would work, Old Man? It seems like somethin’ or someone is followin’ MDawg and TXDawg around, no matter where they go. It even followed ’em here to the apartment, so I’m not sure changin’ where they are or what they’re doin’ is gonna affect the transport none. And I reckon it’s the same if it’s Stinky.

OLD MAN: Then I’ll lead the corrections team, and we’ll figure that out.

TEX: Who ya gonna get? The dang crust punks? You’re gonna get the conspiracy theorists and spies to help you out with top secret Base info.

OLD MAN: No, I was gonna ask Edgar and Chance. You got a better idea, Tex? You wanna hole up in your house under the security field until someone comes and knocks it over? Sittin’ ducks. Leavin’ MDawg and Stinky out in the cold if they make their way back. Pitiful.

TEX: What’s pitiful is you puttin’ words in my mouth, Old Man.

MW: We have got to stop arguin’, you two. It’s been ten dang minutes since they disappeared, and all we’ve done is yell. It’s like Michael’s still here. The boxin’ gloves are still in his closet if y’all wanna slug each other.

OLD MAN: As much as Tex is askin’ for a punch upside the head, we gotta roll up our sleeves and get some work done. How ’bout I call Mike, Emdubya calls Mikey, and Tex calls Base. We’ll get together at Base and decide what to do next.

TEX: I can handle that, but I’m not gonna let MW outta my sight.

MW: Well, that don’t bother me none, Tex. I can do all my duties with you lookin’ right at me.

TEX: Good, ’cause these peepers is stayin’ on ya till we get thi–

[Time travel noise.]

[Scene transition.]

[We hear the patrol cart engine running.]

MIKEY: Okay, first night patrol checklist, [Flips through checklist.] let’s do it. Alright, we’ve checked out the cart, that’s a big check there. [Draws a checkmark.] Alright, uh, “write down the VIN number.” Ugh. [Starts writing the number.] There’s gotta be an easier way… Is that a one or a seven… Okay. [Finishes writing.] Okay. That’s checked out. “Review the patrol cart guidelines in the Oldbrush Valley field manual.” [Writes something.] I threw that shit in the trash. “Secure button to cart holster for emergency use.” [Writes something.] Uh, no fucking thank you. “They stop selling burritos at 7:30 in the cafeteria”? [Flips through checklist.] Uh, this is Marissa’s handwriting. Uh… [Sighs.] I guess I could get a burrito. …Alright. That’ll do it, let’s go.

[Mikey starts driving.]

MIKEY: Alright. Uh, hey, Google? Send text message to Marissa: “What are you trying to do feeding me burritos? I’m already off my feet all shift, are you trying to fatten me up for something? ‘Cause if so, it’s wor– working,” [Stops driving.] uh… F-Fu– Who is– What was that? [Pause.] There can’t be people in the bushes on my first evening, the sun hasn’t even gone down yet. [Scoffs.] I-I– I’m– I’m new, I’m new. I’m not supposed to know how to do my job. I can ignore that, because this is my first time, and I’m– I’ve– I don’t know how to do my job! [We hear rustling in the bushes.] Maybe I’m not supposed to check out who’s hiding in the bushes on my patrol route, and I can just… go get a burrito.

[Calling out.] Hey, if you’re in the bushes? Uh, I forgive you! You can go away now. [Fake laugh.] I’ve got– I’ve got places to be. Burritos to eat. [Stops calling out.] [Groans.] I think the last time I did my job– Uh, let’s see, I saw Ravi, and then the world reset, so I’m not doing my job. I’m not doing my job. I’m going to get a burrito; I’m not doing my job. I’m going to get a burrito; I’m not doing my job. That’s it, Mikey, let’s go.

Okay, so what is this route. Uh, 12 miles. Uh, they do the grass on Monday. Clearly. [Scoffs.] Uh, Skuzz, where are you? It’s looking a little long over here. Fuckin’ Skuzz thinks they’re so much better than me ’cause they’re a– a-a bomb, or… Whatever. Okay, so. It’s 12 miles. 12 miles at 12 miles an hour is… [Pause.] I guess I have to ask Marissa how to take the fun inhibitor off of this thing. Does she–? She doesn’t get in trouble. Uh– But she’s Marissa, it– you can’t put Marissa in trouble. [Takes a breath. Smacks lips.] Okay, well… [Pause.] I guess I’m gettin’ a burrito.

[We hear the sound of the patrol cart fade out.]

MIKEY: Alright, cart. Uh, you stay here and don’t get stolen– Uh, Marissa says that you can steal one of these with a screwdriver. Uh, I– I can’t do anything about that. I can’t do, like, a connectivity strike on all the screwdrivers in the world, so just don’t get stolen– [We hear a branch break.] [Sighs.] Fuck, I’m gonna have to do my job.

[We hear more branches break.]

MIKEY [calling out]: Hey, you out there? I hear you, and it is a federal offense to do whatever you’re doing. It doesn’t matter, because you’re in O.V.E.R., so it’s automatically a felony. So, if you’re there when I get there, I’m gonna have to– shoot you, which is what happens to felons inside of Oldbrush Valley. I know that’s not the law, those are the rules inside of Oldbrush Valley. And don’t think I won’t do it, I’m sort of a cop out here, and all cops. So, uh, I’m gonna count to ten, and then I’m gonna trudge into the woods, and you’re gonna be long gone, okay? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine… ten.

[Stops calling out.] Ugh. I hate this. [Starts walking through vegetation.] This had better be a fucking test. [Sighs.] This– This is a test, this is the new boss trying to figure out “will Mikey will do his job even if it’s scary and hard and he has to get out of the cart and trudge through the woods. Is he gonna talk to himself the whole time.” Yes, he is going to talk to himself the whole time. Because you’re supposed to make a lot of noise so that you don’t surprise the bears. [Stops walking.] Okay, what the fuck is this. [Pause.] U-Um. Uh… Someone l-living out here? Uh… I-I– I guess I’m supposed to report that, uh, Jesus, uh. [Takes a few steps.] Okay, we have a–… an earpiece? What is going on?

MW [faint, through earpiece]: Mikey? Is that you? Can you hear me? Can you hear me right now?

MIKEY: What the fuck…? H-Hello? Eh– Hello? Uh, I– I found this on the ground outside. …Who is this?

MW [through earpiece]: This is, uh… This is Emdubya. You found the earpiece on the ground? Y– Where are you?

MIKEY: I’m on my patrol route! Uh, I’m in the middle of the forest at O.V.E.R. Why are– you– in an earpiece– in the forest?

MW [through earpiece]: MDawg and Stinky came over, and we were tryin’ to get to the bottom of this whole Oldbrush Valley on fire thing, and we ended up sendin’ Stinky, and… and it’s a– it’s a long story. Uh, we can tell ya after your shift is up.

MIKEY: Uh– W-Where is Stinky now?

MW [through earpiece]: I don’t know. I was talkin’ to him through the earpiece, and then he disappeared, and then MDawg disappeared, and then it was just me left in the apartment again.

MIKEY: Okay, I can’t exactly drop everything right now, but… Can you get a hold of Tex or… Old Man, or something? S-Someone who knows what to do.

MW [through earpiece]: I’ve been tryin’, but no one’s answerin’.

MIKEY: Okay, well keep trying. [Takes a few steps.] Uh– Holy fucking shit, there’s a Calculator out here. Did Stinky say anything about a Calculator out here, MW?

MW [through earpiece]: Naw, he just said he was takin’ a shortcut through the woods, and then… nothin’.

MIKEY: Alright, well, I am going to hold onto this and complete my shift, and hopefully the whole world hasn’t set on fire by the time my shift is up, and we can get to the bottom of this, okay?

MW [through earpiece]: That sounds like a plan, Mikey. I’ll keep tryin’ to get a hold of folks, but I ain’t optimistic.

MIKEY: Well, if anyone can get it done, it’s you, MW. You have a better head on your shoulder than most of the iterations. Alright, I guess I’m gonna take this Calculator, and then I’m gonna get a burrito, and then I’m actually gonna do my shift so that I don’t get fired on my first day. And I will call you when I’m done, and we can figure this out.

MW [through earpiece]: Alright. I’ll stay right here in the apartment, just in case MDawg comes back.

MIKEY: Alright. Stay safe, MW. I don’t know what’s going on, but I think we might be under attack.

MW [through earpiece]: You stay safe, too, pard. See ya around.

MIKEY: Yup. Over and out. [Takes a breath.] What is going on in Oldbrush Valley. [Pauses, then sighs.] I need a burrito.

[Closing theme plays.]

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

BLOOPER (STINKY): [Through earpiece.] Under their wing? Uh, I guess… Mikey? Ig–[Babbles.]–ga? Igagagagagaga. I’m Mr. Krabs, Igagagagagagaga.

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

BLOOPER (TEX): Even if ya don’t know it.

BLOOPER (OLD MAN): I did not “do good,” Tex. Stinky could be hurt or dead. We gotta issue a correction to when we before we when we when we when we whenw whenw whenw whenw whenw whenw-ay, there’s a bug on my desk. Dang.

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

BLOOPER (DYLAN): [Voice panning with reverb.] Corkboards, corkboards, corkboards, corkboards, [Voice panning back with pitched up double.] corkboards, corkboards, corkboards, corkboards.

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

[END Episode 171.]