169: The Future Freaks Me Out

SUMMARY

MDawg can’t stop listening to modern rock,

How he hates to be alone!

TRANSCRIPT

Original script edited by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 169.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Welcome to Season 15. I hope you are excited for a new season. I am excited to give you a whole new batch of stories, answering old questions, and raising new ones. But first, some quick plugs. I’m still streaming over on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. I was feeling a little low-energy last week, so we played The Coin Game, and it was a lot of fun. So, if you’d like to watch me play an arcade simulator, that is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you would like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. Speaking of “and more,” this weekend I uploaded a remastered version of Episode 51 for all paying patrons, where Michael’s voice is the Michael’s voice that you know today, and the music is a lot louder. I don’t know why it was so quiet originally. That’s patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to all of my patrons who have signed up since the season finale: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains a depiction of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

[We hear a matchstick get grabbed from its box. The match is struck.]

STINKY: Do you think we could stop lighting candles, MDawg? Troy said that I was allowed to break anything that I want but that I couldn’t burn the mansion down. And he was really specific about that? I-I think that he might be on his second or third mansion.

MDAWG: Relax, Stinky, just go with the flow. I’ve conducted dozens of seances and lit millions of candles, and I’ve never burned anything down. Except for my own ego. These candles are required for the seance. They are going to help focus EdMan’s energy towards us when we start calling for him.

MIKEY: We aren’t even sure that EdMan is dead, MDawg. Look, I don’t like how Ty was being deliberately vague when he was, like, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about Anne,” whatever the fuck that means. But I don’t think that it means that everyone there is dead. That’s not really Ty’s M.O.? EdMan is probably in Storage or something. We might even be able to go get him if we ask Ty nicely.

STINKY: Wait, which Ty is Ty Nicely?

MDAWG: A spirit does not have to be dead in order to be contacted, Mikey. Our spirits are alive in us right now, and you can teach your spirit to wander if you have the patience to learn. EdMan’s spirit has traveled alongside my own to many places, both in this realm and outside. EdMan knows how to make himself accessible. And he will know how to contact me in particular.

MIKEY: Honestly, MDawg, that all sounds like [Slips into a cowboy voice.] hogwash and bullspit to me. [Clears throat. Normal voice.] Excuse me. Uh, but if that were true, does that mean that we could contact Lieutenant? Uh, Nobody? Alaska Mike? MDawg, your existence as an iteration proves your own logic wrong, and that’s without even talking about the supernatural stuff.

MDAWG: We are a complicated spirit, that is certain. But, it is not something that is impossible to account for.

MIKEY: Stinky, are you buying any of this? I’ve been dead, like, seven dozen times, and I don’t remember ever becoming a spirit and wandering the earth. 

STINKY: I don’t care, Mikey! I’m just having fun! This is like a sleepover. We’ve got pizza rolls, a ouija board… Ooh! Uh. We need to find a liquor cabinet to break into so that we can be naughty. Troy doesn’t have a liquor cabinet, but he does have a wine cellar. And he’s got this cask of wine that he calls Amontillado that he keeps bragging about having. I think that we–

MIKEY: It’s not a sleepover, it’s the middle of the day, and I can’t drink because I’ve got to go to my stupid O.V.E.R. shift after this. I don’t wanna start my first day with a belly full of wine, puking all over Skuzz’s grass. It’s too hot out there for that.

MDAWG: Wine can create a powerful connection to parts unknown. But, it will have to wait. Can both of you please put one hand on the planchette? 

MIKEY: MDawg, it’s hard to take the Ouija board seriously when there’s a huge Hasbro logo in the corner. What if we try to contact EdMan, and we accidentally contact the– Spirit of Hasbro. Seances: now with dynamically inserted ads. Thank you for attempting to contact EdMan, but first, here’s some podcasts we think you’ll love.

STINKY: You sound scared, Mikey. What are you so scared of? That we’ll summon a big, bad, toe-licking demon?

MIKEY: Now it really does feel like a slumber party, Stinky. So, I’m supposed to say, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts,” and then I put my hand on the planchette, and something scary happens, and the lights flicker, and we all die, or whatever happens at a slumber party. I was never invited to one.

STINKY: Exactly! It’s time for [Spookily.] spooky stories!

MDAWG: I’m trying to speak to my lost husband, Mikey. This is not meant to be scary. You can believe it or not, that is not my business, but can you place your hand on the planchette for me?

MIKEY: [Sighs.] Fine. But only because you made it sad, MDawg.

[We hear the planchette move slightly as they all touch it.]

MDAWG: Thank you, Mikey. [Calling out.] Spirits, hear me! I am looking for a man from this mortal realm. He goes by many monikers: Edgar, EdMan, Panther, My Little Snoodlenoodle.

MIKEY: [Snickers.] Your little what?

MDAWG [calling out]: His spirit is not naturally in the vicinity of the mansion I am calling from. I ask that you locate him and tell him that his betrothed wishes to speak with him.

[There is a silence.]

STINKY: Okay, so what now?

MDAWG: We must be patient. The spirits travel fast, but not instantaneously.

MIKEY: This is so stupid. “Snoodlenoodle”?

MDAWG: You musn’t judge what people call each other in private. Mikey, what do you call Edgar?

MIKEY: Wouldn’t you like to know?

STINKY: It’s probably something just as embarrassing as Snoodlenoodle, isn’t it?

MIKEY: No, it isn’t.

MDAWG: Please put your hand back on the planchette, Mikey. EdMan could be prepared to speak at any moment.

MIKEY: Ugh. Fine, whatever.

MDAWG [calling out]: Spirits, we are awaiting your return. EdMan, are you with us?

STINKY: I don’t feel any movement.

MDAWG: EdMan, the other voices that you hear are Stinky and Mikey. We want to know where you are. Are you okay?

MIKEY: Also, where’s the rest of Operose? Uh, Lieutenant, is he gone? Uh, is Anne okay?

STINKY: Are you getting into it, Mikey?

MIKEY: Shut up, Stinky.

MDAWG: EdMan, if you are with us and when you are ready, you may spell out whatever it is that you want us to know using the planchette.

MIKEY: And do it quickly, please. I’m getting a headache from all of the candles. I mean, surely we all are.

MDAWG: Quiet, please, Mikey. Give EdMan room to speak.

[We hear the planchette begin to move.]

STINKY: It’s moving!

MIKEY: He’s moving it, Stinky.

MDAWG: EdMan, please speak your piece. Where are you? What have they done to you? How can I–?

[Time travel blip.]

STINKY: Um… MDawg…? Uh, where’d you go?

MIKEY: Well, either MDawg has taken up magic tricks since he got back from Operose, or he just got transported.

STINKY: He got transported during the middle of a seance? Why?

MIKEY: Well, I don’t know, but somebody does.

STINKY: That planchette was moving, Mikey. I felt it.

MIKEY: Stinky, you understand how a Ouija board works, right? Everyone moves it just a little bit, and we’re all spelling out what we think it should say. So, in this case…

STINKY: …It says… “Hasbro”?

MIKEY: It says “Hasbro.”

[Scene transition.]

[Time travel blip.]

[We hear roaring wind and fire.]

MDAWG: [Grunts.] E-EdMan…? W-What? W-What– What’s going on? Uh… Why did you bring me here? Uh… fuck. T-That’s Oldbrush Valley. Uh–… fuck. Th– Troy’s mansion is on fire? Are– Are, uh, Stinky and Mikey still in there? Hello? This is so unchill. Uh, E-EdMan? Hello? Hello? Is anybody out here with me? Why did you bring me here? Why am I out here? Why did you set O.V.E.R. on fire? How did you set O.V.E.R. on fire? Why are you showing me this? Who’s showing me this? Hello? EdMan? I just wanted to find you, hello–?

[Time travel blip.]

[Scene transition.]

MIKEY: Sorry, Stinky. I would love to get wine drunk and break all my bones in the trampoline room with you, but I really have to go. My shift at O.V.E.R. starts in a couple of hours, and I really should report this MDawg thing to Base.

STINKY: Aw, man. You’re no fun. MDawg’s probably fine or gone forever, and it’s no fun jumping around in there alone!

[Time travel blip.]

STINKY: Plus, he’s back, so problem solved.

MIKEY: So, I guess you’re not gone forever, MDawg?

STINKY: I could’ve sworn that my memories of him were fading.

MIKEY: That sounds like a personal issue, Stinky. I knew that you weren’t corrected, just gone.

MDAWG: I believe that I traveled through space and time using only my mind.

MIKEY: You didn’t do that.

MDAWG: I was focusing so hard on locating EdMan that my psychic waves must have transported me. I was on top of a mountain overlooking Oldbrush Valley. Sometime in the future. I don’t need a Calculator to travel anymore.

STINKY: That’s so cool! Can we learn how to do that? Like, we can travel anywhere any time we want? That would be so big.

MIKEY: Well, you actually went somewhere, MDawg. What did you see?

MDAWG: I saw the future of Oldbrush Valley. I was there. I was looking over Oldbrush Valley, and I could see everything. O.V.E.R., Base, the diner, the Old Man and the crust punks’ house, the town. And… it was all burning. The future… is burning.

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear a knock on the door. The door opens.]

MDAWG: H-Hi, Michael…

OLD MAN: MDawg? I didn’t know you was comin’ over. I woulda had these hoodlums clean the place up. Y–…You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

MDAWG: I’ve seen many ghosts, but that is not why I’m here. Um. I wasn’t looking for you exactly. I was looking for Flash. Are they home?

OLD MAN: Flash is out doin’ their radio show right about now. I’d guess ya could call in if you want. I’m sure they’d love to chat.

MDAWG: No, I don’t think that this is something that should be broadcast to the world. Can I come in?

OLD MAN: Uh– Sure, o’ course. Uh… MDawg, uh, [The door closes.] what’s goin’ on? You seem… flustered. Did somethin’ happen? Is everything okay? Is everyone okay?

MDAWG: Everyone is okay right now. …Michael–

OLD MAN: They call me Old Man around these parts.

MDAWG: I know your many names, but I need the Michael that I saved in the Shadow Dome right now.

OLD MAN: I understand. What happened, MDawg?

MDAWG: I was conducting a seance in Troy’s attic. I was with Mikey and Stinky, and we were trying to contact EdMan.

OLD MAN: This ain’t about somethin’ that dang Ouija board told ya, is it? That Ouija board ain’t nothin’ but hooey. It ain’t real. ‘Sides, EdMan ain’t dead.

MDAWG: No, we didn’t make contact. Something else happened. I time traveled all by myself without a Calculator or anything else. I was focused on roaming the astral plane, and I moved through the physical plane by mistake. Mikey and Stinky saw me leave and come back. This did not happen in the realm of my mind, it happened in the physical world. I actually traveled through space and time.

OLD MAN: MDawg. I understand that you bein’ a hippie does for you what me bein’ a cowboy does for me, but you gotta understand that time travel ain’t magic. It’s technology. That’s why we gotta use them Calculators, ’cause we can’t do it with our mind. It ain’t somethin’ inside of us.

MDAWG: This is exactly why I wanted to speak to Flash. You don’t understand, I travelled with my mind. I felt it happening, I observed the results, and Mikey and Stinky observed me traveling. Flash is the only one of you whose mind is open enough to even entertain the idea that I could be correct about this.

OLD MAN: MDawg, Flash thinks that Pluto ain’t a planet no more ’cause the government wanted to hide the secret alien base there.

MDAWG: I just want to know if they have heard about anything like this happening before.

OLD MAN: I’m sure they’ve heard of it. They’ve heard of all sorts o’ cockamamie ideas. Buddy, if you time traveled, then that means that someone moved you to that time and place, and then decided to move ya back.

MDAWG: But why would they do that? What would showing me accomplish?

OLD MAN: You still ain’t told me what ya saw, partner.

MDAWG: I was on top of a mountain, looking down into the valley. You’ve seen this mountain; I could point it out to you if we went outside. I was looking down on Oldbrush Valley. Everything was on fire. The entire valley was engulfed in flames. I could feel the heat, even all the way up the mountain. It was like a volcano had erupted or a bomb had gone off. I could see everything from that vantage point. All of the destruction. Base was on fire. O.V.E.R. was on fire, too. I could see Tier Three engulfed in flames. Whatever power they have was not enough to stop it. The whole town of Oldbrush Valley was swallowed up by fire. This house. The diner. Every last place, burning simultaneously. It must have been the future. This couldn’t have happened in the past. Base could not have ever burned down, because the people at Base still live there. And, just as quickly as I had been placed on top of that mountain, I was back in Troy’s attic. No more than a handful of seconds had passed, according to Mikey and Stinky, and I experienced the same. So, do you believe me, Michael? Do you believe that I saw what I say that I saw?

OLD MAN: Oh, I believe ya, pard. It sounds to me like someone’s tryin’ to warn ya, or maybe tryin’ all of us through you. What I don’t believe, necessarily, is that what you saw was the future. 

MDAWG: What else could it be, do you think?

OLD MAN: Could be any number o’ scenarios from any number o’ timelines. Edgar and the Base have that whole “continuous correction” protocol that allows them to see into other possible timelines. Someone coulda popped ya into one of them and popped ya right back out.

MDAWG: I’m telling you, no one took me anywhere, Michael. I did this all by myself, I’m sure of it. My focus brought me there. I was trying to find EdMan, and that is where I ended up. I think that it must be related.

OLD MAN: MDawg, you cain’t possibly believe that. [Humphs.] You know what? Why don’t you use your focus right now and head back there? See if you can rustle us up some clues?

MDAWG: I can try, but the first time, it was not fully within my control.

OLD MAN: Try, then, pilgrim. And then after that, we can try some o’ my ideas.

MDAWG: Alright, just let me focus… Let’s see, I was thinking about… locating EdMan… [Breathes in, then out. Breathes in…]

[Time travel blip.]

OLD MAN: Well, I’ll be damned. Where the hell’d you go, MDawg?

[Time travel blip.]

MDAWG: [Breathes heavily.] Michael. I did it. I did it! I was there!

OLD MAN: You didn’t do shit, pard. All that means is there’s someone out there watchin’ your every move and makin’ you think you’re doin’ all this with your mind. We ain’t strangers to gettin’ messed with like that, what with the magic bears bringin’ us food in the woods and whatnot.

MDAWG: You can believe what you choose to believe, Michael, but I went back to the mountain. While I was there, I tried to see if I could discover what started the fire, or if there was someone on the mountain with me, but I didn’t see anything that I didn’t see the first time. I was only there for a couple of seconds.

OLD MAN: Well, pard. I ain’t gonna pretend that I understand what’s really goin’ on, but I really think someone’s tryin’ to warn us. Why they’re doin’ it like this, I cain’t say. But I think the point is, if we all sit around on our asses, everything’s burnin’ to the ground. So, it’s time to start gettin’ to the bottom of this. Who all knows about your little psychic adventure so far?

MDAWG: Only Mikey and Stinky. Mikey had to go to his shift at O.V.E.R., but he told me that he would report the incident to Base. Stinky, I think, is getting drunk and jumping on the trampoline.

OLD MAN: Those death traps should be illegal. So, I guess it’s up to you and me to rustle up the rest of the Mikes. When was the last time any o’ y’all heard from Emdubya?

MDAWG: The last time that I saw him was after Operose. Ty showed up and gave his speech, and then, after that, everyone went home. MW asked me if I wanted to move into the apartment in Latvia with him, to which I declined, because I was hoping that EdMan would be free after Operose got destroyed, so I went back to Vancouver to look for him. EdMan wasn’t there, of course, so I have been living in that house alone ever since. As far as I know, MW is living in the Latvia apartment all by himself, since the Michael that used to live there got consolidated with Lieutenant, and Lieutenant was killed by one of your new friends, leaving us without a Michael.

OLD MAN: Then I reckon it’s about time we pay Emdubya the Hermit a visit.

[Scene transition.]

[We hear a rhythmic knock on the apartment door.]

OLD MAN: Hello? Anyone home? Emdubya?

MDAWG: Michael, I think that, uh… [Opens the door.] Yeah, uh, the door’s unlocked. Should we go inside?

OLD MAN: I don’t like the sound of that, pard. Hello? Emdubya? It’s me. Old Man– Uh, Michael, I mean. I-It’s– It’s me and MDawg.

MW: [Quietly groans.] Huh…?

MDAWG: MW, did we wake you up? It’s the middle of the afternoon.

MW: What are you two doin’ here? One of you finally move in with me? I asked Edgar about gettin’ someone to move in, and he wanted me to fill out a dang form.

OLD MAN: We’re just checkin’ in on our old pal Emdubya. So, uh… how’s it goin’, pard? How’s your O.I. wound?

MW: My O.I. wound never existed, Old Man. [Quietly groans.] I’m fine, you just woke me up is all.

MDAWG: You were asleep with your door unlocked.

MW: Oh, yeah. Uh, Boris kept bangin’ down my door, wakin’ me up tryin’ to bring me food, so I just leave it unlocked so he can come in when he wants to.

OLD MAN: If Boris is comin’ by with food, then that means he noticed something’s up.

MW: I’m fine. And you two didn’t come here to give me a pep talk, so what’s up?

OLD MAN: MDawg here has seen the future, and boy it ain’t pretty.

MW: Okay, but what else is new?

MDAWG: What is new is that everything in Oldbrush Valley is going to be on fire, and that includes O.V.E.R. …And also, [OLD MAN: Don’t say it.] I travelled there only using my mind.

OLD MAN: No, ya did not, pard. Emdubya, someone’s watchin’ him and makin’ it seem like he can go there with his mind.

MW: Well, if O.V.E.R. is gettin’ destroyed, then good riddance.

OLD MAN: Pard, I reckon ya missed the part where it burned down my house and Base, too.

MW: Don’t you got people for this? What’re Mike and Edgar and Marissa and Chris doin’?

OLD MAN: They’re tryin’ to figure out what the hell an anonymous council is, why there’s so many o’ Chance, and who the hell Python is.

MW: Then why don’t you tell them who Python is?

OLD MAN: ‘Cause I ain’t figured it out yet, pard. I’d say I got a ten percent understandin’ tops o’ what what goes on in that dang house.

MW: So, I’m the only one left who can help.

OLD MAN: I’m gonna have to beat ya back into shape, is that it, Emdubya? ‘Cause I ain’t opposed to doin’ that.

MW: And what the hell am I supposed to do? Tag along with you guys and be a hired gun when ya need someone to shoot?

MDAWG: Well, right now, we are brainstorming where and when to go, and who to… not shoot to ethically hold as long as we need to.

OLD MAN: We’re gonna figure out who burned down the dang valley, and I’ll shoot ’em myself.

MW: Do we have any clues who that could be? ‘Cause plenty of folks got motive. Could be the Compound, or the Council of Annes, or whatever’s goin’ on with Chance and them. It could be Operose ain’t as dead as we think they are. Could be O.V.E.R.’s doin’ some sorta false flag.

MDAWG: I have only been there twice, and both times, I have been on top of a mountain looking down into the valley. I haven’t seen any people.

MW: Well, when are you travelin’ to exactly, MDawg?

MDAWG: I don’t know, because I don’t seem to have any control over that. The first time, I was doing a seance and ended up there, and the second time, I was with the Old Man. Both times, I was concentrating very hard, but neither time was I directing where I was going.

MW: Sounds like we gotta figure out how to follow ‘im there, Michael.

OLD MAN: How do you propose we do that, pard? Other than guess and check?

MW: We can get Ty to trace him from the previous two times he went.

OLD MAN: I am not lettin’ that varmint into my home.

MW: Then MDawg needs to keep goin’ back there till he can figure out exactly where he is in time and tell us.

OLD MAN: Assumin’ that he can get back. ‘Cause this ain’t psychic, this is just some tomfoolery.

MDAWG: Would you like me to try again, Michael? Even if you don’t believe me, maybe whatever you think is controlling me will take the reigns.

MW: I’ll admit I sorta wanna see it for myself.

MDAWG: If I can stay there long enough to get down the mountain, maybe to the town over, surely there’s some way to tell what day it is.

OLD MAN: You’re free to give it a shot, pard. We’ll be here waitin’ for ya when ya get back.

MDAWG: Alright. No time like the present, right? Alright… [Breathes in, breathes out. Breathes in, breathes out. Starts to breathe in.]

[Time travel blip.]

MW: Oh, uh. H-He actually, uh– How’s he doin’ that?

OLD MAN: I ain’t got no clue, but I know he ain’t psychic. ‘Cause no one is.

MW: If he ain’t psychic, you know that means someone’s controllin’ it. And that someone knows exactly where MDawg is and what he’s doin’ at any given time.

OLD MAN: Which means we need to be dang careful havin’ him around.

MW: I vote that once we figure out where he’s goin’, we go there without ‘im.

OLD MAN: That’s unanimous, pilgrim. Are you up to this, pard? ‘Cause I been through this rigmarole with Mike, and I can do it again if I need to.

MW: I’m fine, I swear. Y’all just woke me up.

OLD MAN: Yeah, I’ll be makin’ sure o’ that.

[Time travel blip.]

[We hear MDawg slump to the floor.]

OLD MAN: In the–? MDawg?

MW: Fuck, fuck. He’s really hurt, Michael.

OLD MAN: Check his pulse, Emdubya.

MW: I am, I am! Uh, he’s– he’s still got a pulse, he’s still breathin’. We either need to issue a correction, or we need to go to Ty. He’s real hurt.

OLD MAN: Then we’re issuin’ a correction, ’cause we sure as hell ain’t goin’ to Ty. Especially ’cause we don’t know what we got into yet.

MW: Whoa– Wai– Wait just a minute on that correction, Michael. Uh, I think I found somethin’. [We hear the crinkle of paper.] Uh, he’s got a note in his pocket.

OLD MAN: What does it say?

MW: Says, “Take me back with you.”

[Closing theme plays.]

AFTER-CREDITS (MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK): [Slowed and pitched down.] I’m on fire / The future freaks me out [Music spins down.]

[END Episode 169.]