166: Lucid/Psychedelic

SUMMARY

I am feeling your energy through your palms. They feel as I would expect.

TRANSCRIPT

Transcript by Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[Begin Episode 166.]

INTRO: Hey, guys, quick plugs. I woke up this morning at 6:30 to my smoke detector beeping. So that was fun, I’m having a great day. And if you want to see me have an actually great day, you can hang out with me on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. Feels like it’s about time for another Nancy Drew, so if that sounds exciting, go give me a follow over there. That’s twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. I am full on into the August postcard production cycle now, because August marks the two-year anniversary of the postcards. So you’re gonna wanna get that. I’m doing some really special stuff I’m coordinating with some really special people. That is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains depictions of violence as well as some slight drug references. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Opening theme plays.]

MW: Mike, does this coffee taste, I-I don’t know, off to ya?

MIKE: No, uh– it tastes a little bit cheap; it taste like coffee.

MW: No, it’s the– it’s the milk, or somethin’. I-I don’t know, maybe it’s s-spoiled.

MIKE: No, that’s– it’s– it’s almond milk, MW, it– it tastes like almond milk. Have you never had almond milk before?

MW: Naw. When would I have had almond milk, Mike?

MIKE: I don’t know, it’s just, you’re me, and I drink almond milk all the time. Did I not get into almond milk until the future?

MW: I reckon ya didn’t, ’cause I ain’t ever had it. And I cain’t say that I like it much.

MIKE: That’s funny, because I like it better. And it’s a lot easier on our stomach, which I know is some old man stuff to care about, but that’s why Michael takes his coffee black, ya know. It’s ’cause of his stomach.

MW: Speakin’ o’ old man Michael, do you figure we should trust him?

MIKE: Not inherently, no. But, he’s doing stuff that would benefit us, and it wouldn’t benefit Lieutenant. Like informing Helen about what’s going on, and now we’re bringing MDawg into this. If Lieutenant were in charge, it would’ve been better for him to have killed us, or taken us prisoner, or something. He wouldn’t have us running around pulling some big ruse like this.

MW: Right, weren’t we supposed to go… get MDawg? I– Fe– We were gettin’ ready, and then… I feel like we got interupted.

MIKE: Yeah… You’re– You’re right… That is what we were doing. What happened, um… Michael must’ve dropped us off here, and said he needed to go grab some stuff before we head out. Uh, how long ago was that?

MW: See, I don’t even remember him sayin’ all that. And I ain’t got no idea how long it’s been. It’s not like they put us anywhere with a clock in the room. Honestly, I don’t got no idea how long we been here, or how long it’s been since we went to Boris’s apartment… Are you, uh, gettin’ tired at all?

MIKE: No, strangely. It feels like I should be tired, because it feels like it’s been, like, a whole day since we first got locked in the safe room, but I’m not tired at all. I’m not even hungry. Maybe I have too much adrenaline going on?

MW: Yeah, my adrenaline would be pumpin’, too, if I got knocked in the head like that. How’re ya holdin’ up?

MIKE: Yeah, I’ve felt better, obviously, but it’s not that bad. I’ve dealt with enough concussions to know that this one won’t kill me. It’s not the worst concussion I’ve ever had, but it does sort of need to be the worst concussion that I have today, if that makes sense? But, I’ll live. As long as we don’t have to solve any more green puzzles. [Chuckles.]

MW: Um, Mike, it was a pink puzzle.

[Beat.]

MIKE: I… know. [Brief laugh.] Please, I was– I was kidding! I know it was a pink puzzle! And it’s gone now, ’cause the grass ate it, and the grass was green, so– y– now, it’s like it was a– a green puzzle. [Pause.] Right?

MW: Whatever you say, Mike.

[We hear a door open.]

MIKE: [Muttering.] Pink puzzle, pink… [Pause.] Oh! Michael, you’re back.

MICHAEL: We done stepped in it, folks. Fuck.

MW: M-Michael, w-whaddaya mean? What’d you see out there?

MIKE: Is something wrong?

MICHAEL: Yeah, I guess you could say so, Mike. Helen is gone.

MIKE: Gone. Gone, h-how– What do you mean, gone? She was with you. What happened?

MICHAEL: She was with me, and then I turned my back for one dang second, and she was nowhere to be found.

MW: Okay, uh, we need to drop whatever we were gonna do, and fix this, right? We need to go look for her.

MICHAEL: Emdubya, this is O.I. There ain’t no point in us lookin’ for her. It ain’t just like she run off somewhere.

MIKE: Do you think that someone took her? Like O.V.E.R., or Nobody, or the Base, even?

MICHAEL: No, sir. Anyone that did that would be attackin’ O.I. itself. And there ain’t nobody that would do that just to come get lil’ ol’ Helen Hartley.

MW: Well, what about Nobody Nobody? ‘Cause he wants Helen.

MICHAEL: No way José. He might be a thorn in our side, but he’s a little twig compared to all of Operose International. He cain’t just transport in here and start pullin’ people out like that.

MIKE: Okay, we’ve established what didn’t happen to Helen, so what did happen to Helen?

MICHAEL: I think our cover got blown, pard. O.I. got wise to what we were plannin’ to do to all of this stuff with consolidatin’ me into Lieutenant. They’ve figured everything out, and she’s in their hands now.

MIKE: Okay, but we need Helen, so what are we going to do about that?

MICHAEL: Heh! Ain’t nothin’ we can do, pard. It’s O.I.

MW: W-We gotta do somethin’. Uh, we can talk to Anne, maybe.

MICHAEL: Anne can’t do shit, pard. Sorry. We messed up. We played our hand wrong, and they called our bluff. It’s over.

MIKE: Michael, what do you mean? It can’t be over. [Scoffs.] What? The three of us are still here, what are we gonna do? We can issue a correction. B– uh– W-Where? Like, what part of this do we stop, and we’ll stop it.

MICHAEL: You still sound like Mikey when ya get scared, pard. Cain’t do none of that. Corrections won’t do us no good. Operose puts a lotta R&D into anti-corrective technologies, so we cain’t go undoin’ everything they do. We figured out what’s happenin’ too late. It’s time for us to come clean.

MW: What are you suggestin’ that we do, Michael?

MICHAEL: If’n we want there to be a fella named Mike Walters who exists tomorrow or yesterday, we gotta march our sorry asses over to Eagle, pronto, and come clean to him. Tell ‘im everything we been up to. What we did to poor ol’ Lieutenant. He might already know. We’ll throw ourselves at his feet. Beg for mercy.

MIKE: Eagle doesn’t know what the word “mercy” means! He probably thinks that it’s French for “thank you.” We’re not gonna let him kill us again.

MICHAEL: Eagle ain’t gonna kill no one.

MW: The hell, he ain’t, Michael. We’re smarter than that.

MICHAEL: Look. It ain’t up to us and what we want no more. We done goofed up. It’s time for us to admit it, and try callin’ the big guns.

MIKE: No, you’re suggesting that we point a big gun at our heads, Michael.

MW: How did this even happen? Like, how’d she get away from ya? You were supposed to be with her the whole time.

MICHAEL: I turned my back for one dang second, ’cause I thought I heard somethin’ outside. I was tryin’ to protect us. I turned around, and she was gone. I’m sorry, folks. That’s the whole truth.

MIKE: I get it now. This is Lieutenant. This has been Lieutenant the whole time. This is one big trick to get us to walk over to Eagle without putting too much of a fight. Right?

MICHAEL: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, Mike.

MIKE: I knew it! I knew that this would happen, that’s why I wanted a slam consolidation! Helen’s not actually missing, this is all some sort of gambit to get us to walk right into Eagle’s jaws! It’s a trick! Don’t believe him, MW. We need to figure out what’s really going on, and get me and you and Helen the hell out of here.

MICHAEL: I ain’t Lieutenant, and ya ain’t makin’ sense, Mike. Look at me. You could tell if’n I weren’t myself, couldn’t ya? ‘Cause it’s me. It’s Michael. And Helen is missin’.

MIKE: Hmm. [Clicks tongue.] Yeah, I don’t believe you?

MICHAEL: We ain’t got time for whatever the hell it is you think you’re doin’, Mike. I need y’all to come with me. Don’t make me do this the hard way.

MIKE: Sounds to me like you’re either going to kill us here, or take us to Eagle to be slaughtered, Lieutenant. Neither sounds preferable.

MICHAEL: You’re gettin’ yourself in trouble bein’ so sure o’ yourself.

MIKE: You’ve been quiet, MW. What do you think of “Michael”‘s story?

MW: I-I don’t know, Mike. It does seem awful like a story, but what if it’s the truth?

MICHAEL: Way I see it, there’s a couple ways this can shake out for you boys, and none of ’em are pretty. I could leave you here, and Eagle could drop by himself. I could beat your asses, and drag ya there kickin’ and screamin’. Or, I could consolidate with y’all. And if’n I did that, I’d have a better chance of gettin’ us all outta here, I reckon.

MIKE: You are not consolidating with us.

MICHAEL: Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I like that idea. Yeah. You’re hurt, Mike. Can get rid of that pesky concussion, and prove to you, once and for all, that it ain’t Lieutenant makin’ the decisions inside here. So, yeah. Mike, get ready, let’s do it. C’mere.

MIKE: Get your fucking hands away from me.

MICHAEL: Mike, don’t turn this into somethin’– Ow!

[There is a scuffle between Mike and Michael.]

MIKE: MW! Help me, goddamnit!

MICHAEL: Come here, you mangy varmint!

MIKE: “M-Mangy varmint”! Is that all you’ve got?

MW: What am I supposed to do, Mike?

MIKE: Do something! Get him off me!

[MW fires his pistol.]

MIKE: Get the fuck off me… [Breathes audibly.]

MICHAEL: Fuck… [Groans.] My leg. [Continues to groan in pain.]

[Nighttime outdoor ambience fades in.]

MIKE: What… [Groans.] What’s… happening.

MICHAEL: What the hell are you two doin’? Emdubya. Why the hell’d ya shoot me?

MW: I-I got scared, I– I couldn’t just let ya consolidate with Mike!

MICHAEL: Why the hell’d you think I’d consolidate with Mike? [Coughs.] Why would I do that?

MIKE: Because you said that you were going to, asshole!

MICHAEL: I sure as hell did not.

MW: Wait, uh… Are we outside?

MIKE: Helen is missing, so you were going to take us to Eagle, so MW shot you. It’s called consequences, sweaty.

MICHAEL: Mike. What in the Sam Hell are you talkin’ about? Helen’s waitin’ for us back at mission control. We’re on our trip to find MDawg.

MIKE: No, that was a– trick, ’cause y-you’re Lieutenant, a… and O.I. c-captured H-Helen, and…

MW: We been tricked, alright, Mike.

MICHAEL: I know what’s goin’ on here. Y’all can’t believe everything ya see and hear out here. Especially with you wanderin’ around without any clearance. Knuckle draggers. You coulda got me killed. It ain’t safe to shoot someone in the leg, ya know, Emdubya? There’re big blood vessels down there. You got lucky you missed ’em.

MW: I was aimin’ center mass, Michael. I missed.

MICHAEL: Attaboy, pard. So. What’d they make y’all see?

MIKE: We were in some kind of waiting room, and then you barged in, and you said that Helen went missing and that we needed to go to Eagle and beg for mercy.

MICHAEL: And y’all didn’t think it was strange that, right before that, you were walkin’ around with me, and I hadn’t gone nowhere, and that we already had a plan, which was to go find MDawg.

MIKE: No, I-I– remember I did think it was weird, but then I started forgetting about it.

MICHAEL: It’s like lucid dreamin’, pard. You gotta keep askin’ yourselves questions about your reality. To make sure you’re still where ya think ya are.

MW: I’m really sorry I shot ya, Michael. I really thought you were takin’ us to Eagle.

MICHAEL: I forgive ya, pilgrim. But, you gotta be more careful out here. I coulda briefed ya better. Now. Help me up. We gotta hobble over to MDawg ‘fore anyone sees us and got questions for why I’m bleedin’ and these two iterations are helpin’ me out.

MW: Yup. Sure thing, Give me your hand, pard.

[MW helps Michael stand up.]

MIKE: [Sighs.] Next stop, MDawg.

MICHAEL: The key to trackin’ yourself down an MDawg is to follow the scent trail of the essential oils.

[Scene transition.]

MDAWG: Hey, guys. Sorry about how it smells in here. I know.

MIKE: [Sniffs.] Uh, MDawg, it doesn’t smell in here.

MDAWG: That’s what I’m saying. They won’t let me have anything to make it smell nice in here. Harsh realm.

MICHAEL: Not my rules. All that stuff’s contraband.

MDAWG: I tried making essential oils out of the grass, but things got pretty psychedelic pretty fast.

MW: What? How did you even pick the grass?

MDAWG: I was very careful, and I had chainmail gloves on.

MIKE: I’ll have to remember that…

MICHAEL: The gloves were contraband, too. He made ’em outta soda can tabs.

MIKE: Listen, MDawg, we didn’t come here to swap essential oils recipes. The Mikes are under attack. There’s this iteration called Nobody, and he’s killed a lot of us, and we’re putting together a plan to stop that from happening. We’re rounding up everyone we can to enlist for help.

MDAWG: Interesting. Does that mean that I’m in danger, too?

MW: Yeah, MDawg. Ya just might be.

MDAWG: Not that I’m living a life of luxury here… And how did you end up here with Lieutenant? His aura seems off. Lieutenant, are you finally doing those yoga poses I taught you? I told you that they would open you up.

MICHAEL: I ain’t Lieutenant no more. It’s Michael.

MDAWG: No, you definitely still are Lieutenant. Your aura is different, but it’s not fundamentally different. And, how else would you have been able to get in here?

MICHAEL: I broke in.

MIKE: Michael came here to save us. He found us with Lieutenant, and while Lieutenant’s guard was down, we consolidated him with Michael.

MDAWG: So you are half Lieutenant still.

MW: He’s on our side, pard.

MDAWG: He is half on our side, you mean.

MIKE: He hasn’t been with us very long, but he did rescue us, and he’s been betting a thousand as far as Michael goes.

MDAWG: I noticed that you were bleeding, Lieutenant, and you limped your way in here. What happened? Did you take a bullet for them?

MICHAEL: Somethin’ like that.

MW: O.I. security played a trick on us, and I shot ‘im.

MDAWG: O.I. loves to play tricks. Lieutenant and Eagle are the most guilty of this. That’s why their auras are like that. They’ll make me see and hear things that aren’t real, and then they’ll rip me back into reality, often laughing at me. It’s a bad trip. Like, right now, for instance. I know that some of you or all of you aren’t real. Maybe you’re real, Lieutenant. You said that you’re coming for me because you need help? Why little old MDawg? What can I offer you? Unless Operose thinks that I could theoretically offer a theoretical Mike and MW something. And they’re playing an elaborate game in order to get me to reveal that. That sounds like something that they would do. I’m doing the real versions of both of you a favor by not agreeing to help. And if you were the real iterations, you would understand completely.

MW: I don’t think that Operose grass has worn off on you yet, MDawg.

MIKE: Listen, MDawg, I totally understand your hesitance, I really do. We just explained that a trick was played on us right outside. But, and I hate to hand it to them, Operose is smart. And the plan to trick you that you just described is not elaborate enough for them. It’s beneath them. If they suspected that you knew something about us and they wanted you to reveal it to them, there is nothing stopping them from observing you through all of time and space until they figure that out. No puppet iterations necessary.

MICHAEL: He’s right, pard. I know they don’t think you got special information, ’cause they woulda got it outta you already. Lieutenant don’t suspect a thing. I got ‘im rattlin’ around in there.

MDAWG: That is exactly what you would say if I had guessed the plan correctly, though also if you were telling the truth.

MW: Okay, then, what would we say if we were just tellin’ the truth?

MDAWG: I can’t tell you, because then you would just tell me.

MIKE: Are we sure that we need this guy, Michael? What is he gonna do for us? We’re gonna get into battle, and he’s gonna sacrifice a soulblood chicken?

MDAWG: You don’t sacrifice a soulblood chicken, silly. That isn’t how this works.

MW: What can we do to convince ya, pard?

MDAWG: You can start by giving me your hand, MW.

MW: Uh… O-Okay, uh. [Gives MDawg his hand.]

MDAWG: You, too, Mike. If you are who you say you are.

MIKE: Wha– What is this, what are you doing?

MW: Just do it, Mike.

MIKE: Okay! Fine. [Gives MDawg his hand.] MDawg, let’s go.

MDAWG: Okay. I need some silence. [Breathes in.] I am feeling your energy through your palms. They feel… as I would expect. And I can’t see any of you on the astral plane. Which could mean many things, but it might also mean that you are truly here with me. [Breathes in.] And it seems… that Mikey… is… dead.

MIKE: Well, we about said as much as that. We said that some of the iterations had been killed.

MDAWG: Quiet, please. Uh, there is this other person who is also dead, who– He feels… Is it… Troy?

MICHAEL: Wait. Is Troy dead?

MIKE: Uh, I don’t think so. Not that I’ve heard about.

MDAWG: Maybe an iteration of some sort.

MW: He’s talkin’ about Stinky, y’all.

MDAWG: I do not know who Stinky is. Does he match this description?

MIKE: Stinky is kind of the Troy of Mikes.

MDAWG: Then that’s him. I see him. They are both dead. So you were telling the truth. Someone is attacking the iterations.

MW: His name’s Nobody.

MDAWG: I sense a dark presence, a Malevolent…

[‘Faroe’s Song‘ from Malevolent briefly plays.]

MIKE: Right, and he’s coming for you, too. You’re not safe unless you help us.

MW: He’s doin’ a whole connectivity strike on us.

MICHAEL: And not just us. MDawg, you remember Ty Betteridge?

MDAWG: What kind of question is that? Of course I remember Ty Betteridge.

MIKE: Well, we don’t remember Ty Betteridge, and Michael is pretty alarmed about it.

MDAWG: That would be pretty alarming. Can you prove that you don’t remember Ty Betteridge?

MIKE: [Lost for words.] What? …No? No? What? Uh– I can’t, like, list the memories I don’t have of him!

MICHAEL: I brought ‘im up ’cause Mike hit his head somethin’ bad. Thought about goin’ to him for help. But, not a trace o’ recognition on his face.

MW: I don’t remember ‘im, either, pard. And you just said our energy checks out.

MDAWG: I am simply doing my due diligence, and now that that is done, I will choose to believe you. I am not fully convinced, but, at the very least, it might make this boring place interesting. If I choose to cooperate with you, I will, of course, demand my freedom. I will also demand freedom for EdMan, who has been dangled in front of me many times, but never allowed for me to be with him. I will cooperate only under the condition that you are able to set both of us free.

MW: Sounds fair to me. Think you can do that, Michael?

MICHAEL: I don’t see why not. Gettin’ ’em outta here shouldn’t be too much of an issue. I got clearance to do with ’em what I want.

MDAWG: Bodacious. It is more fortuitous than you might think that you decided to come to me, for I do have information for you that Operose doesn’t have. As far as the two of you know, is this the only iteration of Michael?

MIKE: I’d have to check the spreadsheet.

MW: I think it’s just him and Tex, right? That’s where the other MDawg is, actually. He’s down there in Texas with Tex.

MDAWG: I do not mean Tex. There is yet another iteration. During the showdown at the Shadow Dome, I was tasked with finding this iteration and retrieving his corpse. However, when I arrived, he was very much alive. I spared his life, and he sacrificed an iteration to me that I could bring back to Operose. He asked to go somewhere, and he gave me coordinates. I put them into the Calculator, and sent them there, no questions asked. Because Operose got what they wanted, they never checked that log to see where he might have gone. I don’t know where I sent him, but he could be very valuable to our quest. This Nobody iteration likely doesn’t know about this iteration from the Dome, and that can make him very useful.

MICHAEL: That’s the iteration what was supposed to consolidate with me if he made it outta the Shadow Dome. But, as Lieutenant, I killed him. Or, at least I thought I did. That Lieutenant’s memories are more than a little fuzzy. Did y’all know that he was out there?

MIKE: This is news to me, or I would’ve brought it up while we were planning.

MDAWG: I’m not surprised that he has not reached out to you. He seemed content to do his own thing, to lurk in the shadows. He might be waiting for the right time to find you, though it’s possible that now is the right time. When he left, he seemed as though he was staying with other people, though he didn’t say who. The implication was that I wouldn’t know them.

MIKE: Do you have any idea who he could be staying with, Michael?

MICHAEL: I don’t, but if you transported him with an O.I. Calculator, MDawg, we can find it and figure out exactly where he went. There should be a record of it.

MDAWG: And the record should be easy to find, because it happened during the showdown at the Shadow Dome, or right after. There shouldn’t be any other transport logs like it. That is how I know that I got away with it. If Operose suspected anything, they would have discovered the log right away. There was little I could do to cover that part of it up. They were satisfied with the corpse.

MIKE: Can you pull these transport logs without looking suspicious, Michael?

MICHAEL: Oh, yeah. Easy-peasy. Just give me a minute.

MW: Thanks, MDawg. That’s shapin’ up to be the next part o’ the plan. Couldn’t have done it without ya.

MDAWG: Take me with you.

MIKE: You wanna come with us? Uh, this might be unpredictable; it might be dangerous.

MDAWG: I want to get out of here. You say that you have the clearance to take me anywhere you want, right? Take me with you.

MW: You ain’t gonna get your freedom and then try and make a break for it, are ya?

MDAWG: Someone who has their freedom doesn’t need to make a break for it, MW. Is there any reason that I might need to “make a break for it”?

MICHAEL: No, sir. We’re a man of our word. You’re safe with us, MDawg.

MDAWG: Bodacious beans. Let’s get out of here.

MIKE: It’s a plan, hippie man. Next stop, Shadow Dome Michael.

[Scene transition.]

[Nighttime outdoor ambience.]

MIKE: I… don’t like the look of this place.

MW: Yeah, it seems like somewhere ya don’t wanna turn up unannounced like we just did.

MICHAEL: Well, too bad, ’cause this here log says Michael’s in there.

MIKE: Why here of all places on Earth? ‘Cause it’s in Oldbrush Valley? Why didn’t he just come find us?

MDAWG: When he was talking to me in the Shadow Dome, he seemed like he had his reasons.

MW: Well. Are we ready to figure out them reasons, Mike?

MIKE: I guess so. Here goes nothing.

[We hear a rhythmic knock on the door.]

OLD MAN [muffled]: Hey, folks! Pizza’s here. Whoever wants to grab a slice– [Unintelligible.]

MIKE: Uh-oh, he thinks we’re the pizza guy.

MDAWG: Can we get a pizza before he opens the door?

[Old Man opens the door.]

MDAWG: Guess not. Hi, Michael. It’s good to see you.

OLD MAN: Who the hell are you, and what are you doin’ here? …M-MDawg? Is that you?

MIKE: Sorry to barge in without any notice, but s-stuff’s happening with Nobody–

OLD MAN: Nobody, and Chance, and Skinner, and fuckin’ everybody. I know already.

MW: By, uh, “Chance,” you mean Chris.

OLD MAN: No, I sure as hell don’t. I mean Chance. Where the hell have you been that you ain’t heard about this?

MIKE: Well, we went to Boris’s apartment, and we got trapped there, and we solved a pink puzzle, and then we got dumped out into O.I., and so we’re sort of catching up.

OLD MAN: And ya need my help.

MDAWG: It would be greatly appreciated. Could you maybe do it for an old friend?

OLD MAN: Ugh, if I have to. Get in here, quick. And don’t make a sound. Into my room. Go!

MDAWG: Okay, but how will we know– [Door to Old Man’s room opens.] Oh– Cowboy stuff. Okay.

OLD MAN: Yup. Everybody in. [Closes the bedroom door.] Now, one o’ you, start talkin’. What’ve you been up to while Nobody’s been runnin’ rampant on the timeline? And while that ‘un’s talkin’, one of you use that Calculator to rustle up some pizzas. They’re gonna be real ticked in there once they learn you ain’t the pizza guy.

[Closing theme plays.]

BLOOPER (MIKE): But I get it now. This… is WOE.[Smoke detector chirps.]GONE.

[Opening theme starts playing, then fades out.]

[End Episode 166.]