164: Lieutenant/Lieutenant

SUMMARY

We’ve been in this business too long. Nothing shocks us anymore.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Synthium and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 164.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. I am still streaming on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack and then we hang out and play a video game. Following Summer Games Done Quick, I have decided that I can beat The Logical Journey of the Zoombinis faster than the guy who did it on GDQ. And I actually did off stream, but this Sunday I am looking to prove it. So if you want to come watch me do that, that is twitch.tv/woebegonepod.

And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon, over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtracks albums, QnAs, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. August marks the two year anniversary of the postcards, and I want to do something really special for the two year anniversary. For the one year anniversary, there was a special cover song, featuring Taylor Michaels who plays Chance, and there was special merch that came along with the postcard and I want to do something special this year too. So you don’t want to miss that, sign up at the 15 dollar and up level, at patreon.com/woe_begone. 

[REDACTED] thank you for supporting the show. Enjoy. And [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains a depiction of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Opening theme plays]

[Night ambiance]

MW: You ain’t gonna convince me to go out of this dang apartment, Mike. I don’t care what you say. I’m not going.

MIKE: Well, what if I said pretty please, MW? Can you please leave Boris’ apartment so we can figure out what’s going on?

MW: Can’t you just get the dang calculator to work and get us the hell out of here?

MIKE: No, look. The calculator is… confused. I’v- I’ve never seen it like this. The display is all fucked up, It’s flashing letters and numbers and symbols that I don’t recognize. It’s not gonna take us where we want to go. It’s just as likely to dump us in the ocean.

MW: Well how fuckin’ convenient for whoever put us here. [Frustrated sigh] Well, Mike, if you need me, I’m gonna be huddled here in this corner waiting for Michael or someone to find us.

MIKE: I don’t think that we should be optimistic about Michael. Someone’s coming for all the Mikes. We know Mikey and Stinky are dead. And if Michael is still alive out there, why hasn’t he already come for us?

MW: I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s none of my business. I’m staying here. You can go wandering off out there if you want ‘n I’ll see ya later, pard.

MIKE: C’mon, MW. you have to be curious about what this place is and who sent us here and why, right? 

MW: Nope. Heard a saying about cats once. Put me off curiosity once and for all.

MIKE: MW, we’ve been around long enough to know what sort of situation this is. We can’t just stay in the safe room. Someone transported us to wherever this is, and that means that that person knows where we are. So, staying in the safe room isn’t going to protect us from them. We might as well see what we’ve gotten ourselves into.

MW: [Another frustrated sigh] Fine, well. I ain’t gonna let you wander around alone, I guess. I’m bringing a gun though. 

MIKE: Go right ahead, but we’re dealing with time travelers. They’re sort of immune to bullets sometimes.

MW: …And I’m bringing the puzzle with me.

MIKE [slightly overlapping]: We are not bringing the goddamn pink puzzle with us. 

MW: Mike, I got it back in the box and all folded up in quarters so we can put it back together later. We worked too hard on it to leave it behind. I wanna frame it in my room or something.

MIKE: Wer- It’s- it’s just pink. It’s- it’s just a pink square. You’re gonna frame a pink square on your wall?

MW: Sure, why not? People ask like “what’s that pink square on the wall?” and it’s a story to tell.

MIKE: [Sighs.] Fine, you can bring the puzzle if it gets you walking, cowboy.

MW: I ain’t a cowboy, but it’s a deal. I’m coming.

MIKE: Whatever you say. Okay, let’s pick a direction and start walking. Looks like there’s a 3-way intersection in the path up ahead. And–

MW: Hold your horses, I got a compass on my keychain. We need to keep track of the cardinal direction so we don’t end up walking in circles. Alright, so North should be… well shit. Compass is broken. Look at it. The needle is spinning every which way. We must be on top of a magnet or something. 

MIKE: Figures. We- We’ll mark the path somehow. Okay, we can go straight ahead, left, or-

[Time travel noise]

MW: Well, the apartment’s gone now, so. We can go that way too.

MIKE: Well, I’m glad you weren’t in there when it transported, Jesus! Are those- the- over the treeline, those are the boulders?

MW: Yep, they sure are. I guess we couldn’t see ‘em before with Boris’s apartment blocking the view. 

MIKE: And they aren’t O.V.E.R.’s boulders because this isn’t O.V.E.R., obviously, we’d recognize it. 

MW: So this is Operose I guess? Any of this look familiar to you, Mike?

MIKE: No, I’ve never been inside of Operose before. Not that it matters, because the way that I understand it, Operose changes locations every day, so even if we recognized it before we wouldn’t recognize it now.

MW: So, should we start… walking towards the boulders then?

MIKE: It seems like the least arbitrary direction of the four. Maybe we’ll find something on the way there. A key, or Anne? MDawg?

MW: Or someone we don’t want to see. We ain’t exactly got a lot of friends in here. Maybe we shouldn’t be on the beaten path at all. I don’t want Eagle finding us.

MIKE: Did you say Eagle or evil?

MW: Both. 

MIKE: We have to stay on the beaten path, MW. Surely you remember the stories of the grass that eats people. That’s the main thing about OI. It’s got grass that eats people. And I shudder to think what the bushes do.

MW: Probably eat you, too. Plus there’s the thorns to worry about.

MIKE: Right. So let’s stay calm and stay on the path.

MW: Gotcha.

[More night ambience]

MW [suddenly]: It’s him. I know it’s him.

MIKE: What’s that?

MW [increasingly agitated]: Why else would Mike bring me out here? This is his plan all along. To hand me over to OI. He killed Michael, he killed Mikey, [MIKE: What?] he killed Stinky. [MIKE: Uh?] He’s gonna kill me. 

MIKE: MW! Hello!? I’m right here. You can’t possibly believe that yo–

MW: What? Mike, I- I didn’t say nothin’.

MIKE: What do you mean you didn’t say anything? I heard you. I didn’t trick you into coming here. I’m just as lost as you are.

MW: You’re scaring me, I really didn’t say nothin’. 

MIKE: I get that you’re scared, but we can’t be at each other’s throats, it’s–

MW [voice rising]: I’m not at anyone’s throat! Mike- 

MIKE: Of course I killed Mikey and Stinky, MW. I’m here to hand you over to Eagle in exchange for a boulder key. He’s waiting for us at the end of the path. There’s no point in fighting it. 

MW: I knew it. I knew it, you son of a bitch! I’m gonna beat you to death with this fuckin’ pink puzzle.

MIKE: MW, what? What is going on? 

MW: I would rather die than get handed over to Eagle.

MIKE: Ea-Eagle? What does Eagle have to do wi- [sounds of slapping] Ow! Fuck! 

[Sounds of fists and MIKE making noises of distress]

MIKE: Tha- MW! THE GRASS! GET OFF ME!

MW: Yeah, get in the grass Mike. Maybe you’re going to Eagle.

MIKE: Stop! Stop! STOP IT, get off me!

[MW grunts one more time]

MW [panting]: …You didn’t say anything, did you, Mike?

MIKE [exasperated]: No, I didn’t say anything. What did you hear me say?

MW: I heard you saying that you killed Mikey and Stinky and you brought me here to hand me over to Eagle.

MIKE: That isn’t what’s happening. Whatever that was, it wasn’t me. That wasn’t my words, it wasn’t my thoughts, it wasn’t anything.

MW: Well I heard you say it, pard. I’m just… confused.

MIKE: And I heard you wondering aloud if I killed Michael and Stinky and Mikey. That wasn’t you, that wasn’t your thoughts or something? 

MW: It never occurred to me until I thought I heard you say it, pard. 

MIKE: Ugh, fucking Operose, man. We should have been prepared for something like this.

MW: Are you okay, Mike? I’m sorry pard I got you real close to the grass there.

MIKE: Yeah, I’m fine. I think I’m missing some hair? I felt it fall away when I brushed up against the grass. 

MW: Let me take a look. Oh, buddy. You’re gonna wanna shave when we get home. You look like one of those Jackass shaving pranks.

MIKE: [sighs] I needed a haircut anyway. So, do we keep walking towards the boulders? 

MW: If you can remember which way that is. I’m all turned around.

MIKE: What? Uh, where’d they go? We can see them before. They were right over there. Uh, over there? 

MW: Nothin’ looks familiar no more, pard. Let’s just, pick a way then go.

MIKE: Okay, let’s go… this way. Uh, left. 

MW: Works for me. 

[They resume walking.]

MW: You know, I’m sorry that I got mad at you, Mike. I should’ve known better than to trust my dang senses out here. 

MIKE: It’s okay, MW. They tricked me, too. We’re gonna make sense of this and we’re gonna get out of here and help the others. And you’re gonna throw that goddamn pink puzzle in the grass what eats people.

MW: You’re still that upset about the puzzle?

MIKE: MW, what’re you talking about? I didn’t say anything about this- the stupid pink puzzle. Operose is playing tricks on you again. [sarcastically] Oh no, are you going to be influenced by what the voice told you to do? 

MW: Fine, Mike. If you hate the puzzle so much, it’s gone. Adios, amigo.

[Thunk of something heavy hitting the ground, then Operose time travel whirring sound]

MIKE: Thanks, MW. That means a lot to me. 

MW: Well, now you owe me one. [Sighs] Here we are, end of the line. Do we go in the building?

MIKE: Uh, let’s review our other options: we can go back that way- it looks like at the end of the path it’s… this building again. 

MW: Same with the path over there. Same building. 

MIKE: So all paths lead up to this door.

MW: Looks like it. I don’t want to go in. It feels like someone is making us go in.

MIKE: We can either go inside or we can keep wandering around this path aimlessly and who knows what they’ll confuse us with if we do that.

MW: Right, so let’s go in and get it over with.

MIKE: Do you still have the gun with you?

MW: Yup. I thought you said it wouldn’t be no use in here. That was you that said that, right?

MIKE: That was me. But if we’re walking right into Eagle’s trap or whatever, I would like one of us to blow his face off. Even if it doesn’t do us any good, you know. Piece of mind.

MW: Right. Peace of mind. Okay Mike, after you. 

[The door opens]

MIKE [faux enthusiastically]: Here we go!

[The door closes]

MIKE: And here we are! A good ol’ white, windowless room. I would be happy if I never saw one of these again.

MW: Tell me about it. 

[Operose time travel whirring sound]

MW: …And there goes the door.

MIKE: An interrogation room. [Sighs] Great, we’re stuck in here.

MW: Of course we are. Well, at least we’re wherever they wanted us to go. Alright, whoever you are! Eagle or whoever! Show yourself, we’re here.

MIKE: And can we spare the dramatics, please?

[Time travel noise.]

LIEUTENANT: Howdy folks. Thanks for comin’ all this way just to meet with me. Y’all can call me Lieutenant. I got a proposition for ya.

[Brief moment of silence]

MIKE: With all due respect, Lieutenant, MW and I are not receptive to any sort of “proposition” that you might have for us. We’ve been in this business for too long. Nothing shocks us anymore. You’ve got us right where you want us and not even our Calculator can get us out of here. It’s all glitched out. So cut the shit. This isn’t a balanced negotiation, just tell us what you want from us.

LIEUTENANT: You got me all wrong, Mike. Y’all mind if I smoke in here?

MIKE: Uh, I really rather you didn’t. There aren’t any windows.

LIEUTENANT: You got this whole situation wrong, pilgrim. I can’t take what I want from y’all even if I wanted to. It ain’t as simple as capturin’ you for OI. Hell, I’m up to my eyeballs in iterations. Y’all can take some Mikes home in a goody bag if’n ya want. Nah, it ain’t like that. What I’m proposin’ is an alliance on a mission to get a pesky bad actor out of your hair and into my grasp, if’n ya catch what I’m layin’ down.

MW: What bad actor are you talking about?

LIEUTENANT: I’m talking about Nobody, of course. Mikes have been droppin’ like flies, I’m sure you’ve noticed.

MW: Is that who killed Mikey and Stinky?

LIEUTENANT: It’s quite possible but, I don’t know who Stinky is.

MIKE: Nobody is supposed to be under lock and key in a feed shed in Texas. Are you saying that he escaped and killed them somehow?

LIEUTENANT: I ain’t trying to account for individuals but, yeah. Nobody made a big ol’ mess down at Texas, that’s for dang sure. Got ‘em all in one swift motion. Now he’s in the wind. We’re hopin’ that we could get ahold of him.

MW: Okay but what do you want Nobody for? Seems like he’s out here doing your job.

LIEUTENANT: OI’s goal has never been as crude as killin’ all the Mikes, MW. We coulda got that done pretty easily if that’s all that we wanted. No sir. I’m hopin’ to get my hands on Nobody for a more nuanced reason. We got some stuff him and I need to have a chat about.

MIKE: Well I’m certainly no fan of Nobody. You can have him. I’m hoping you aren’t asking for our permission. Are you saying that he killed Tex and MDawg? 

LIEUTENANT: Yup, and he killed Bluster, too.

MW: Can you prove any of that, Lieutenant?

LIEUTENANT: Sure I can. Bluster’s a dang celebrity. Most folks think he’s missin’. It’s all over the news. But he’s dead. Nobody killed everyone down there and made a run for it. See?

BLUSTERTOK: The trail has run cold on Bluster, the gigantic horse missing! Is he dead? Did he return to the center of the hollow earth? Will he reappear with his friends Dracula and the Squonk? Here is what Bluster’s star sign has to say about it-

MIKE [Interrupting]: Okay, great! He’s guilty, you can have him! I don’t really see what we offer here, and if we’re so easy to kill and he’s one of us-

LIEUTENANT: Nobody’s crafty. And he ain’t an enemy of ours, per se. We’ve done work together in the past. That’s part of the reason I’m itchin’ to get ahold of him. He’s been avoiding us for awhile now and since he knows us, he’s good at makin’ sure we have trouble figurin’ out where he is. We wanna have a little chat, reign him in some. Surely you can sympathize.

MW: Well, if he’s loose from Texas, then we ain’t got no control over him. He could be anywhere and we got no way of findin’ out where he is. So, how do we factor into this plan of yours?

LIEUTENANT: I’ve got someone that Nobody really wishes he could talk to, someone name of Helen Hartley.

MIKE: You’ve got Helen!?

LIEUTENANT: Intercepted her during one hell of a hoedown, pard. She’s a valuable asset to us and Nobody would kill to get to her. Problem is, I can’t just show up in uniform and ask to talk to him. He’ll turn me down every time. You folks, on the other hand…

MW: You want us to lure him out with and dangle Helen in front of him. A honeypot.

LIEUTENANT: That’s exactly right, MW. See, we’re still the same guy, ain’t we? You understand perfectly. We’ll give you Helen and he’ll come looking for you as soon as he knows you got her. All you gotta do is arrange a meeting with him and show up. Eagle and I will handle the rest. You ain’t gotta fight him or nothin’.

MIKE: That all sounds good, it’s never going to happen, though. There’s always a catch. Either this isn’t as safe as you say that it is or you’re actually going to capture us and brainwash you into your army or whatever or put us in some sort of storage or use us as a honeypot to lure out Michael–

LIEUTENANT: And what makes you think Michael’s alive, Mike?

MIKE: Uh, Michael is alive.

MW: I ain’t heard nothing of the contrary.

LIEUTENANT: Now’s a bad time to be making them sort of assumptions. Nobody caught all of y’all off guard and on your back foot. If I sent the two of you back to business as usual, he’d kill you, too. Sorry, but it’s the truth.

MIKE: Lieutenant, are you saying that Michael is dead?

LIEUTENANT: I ain’t sayin’ nothin’. But if he ain’t dead then death’s comin’ for him quick.

MW: Well, Mike. He’s right about Nobody. He needs to be dealt with and he is dangerous. He wants all of us gone. And we could use some help getting rid of him. So if we can get Nobody out of our hair–

LIEUTENANT: What hair you got left of anyway. I see you had a close-call with the grass, Mike. I can get some clippers for ya and have you lookin’ sharp ‘fore you get out of here.

MIKE: I do not trust you with a blade near my head.

LIEUTENANT: Your loss. I’m an ace with a razor. Learned from the best- Eagle himself.

MIKE: That is exactly why I don’t trust you.

MW: Are we gonna do this or not, Mike? I’m trying to balance our need to get rid of Nobody with not trusting OI. 

LIEUTENANT: You don’t got to say you don’t trust me, pilgrim. You gonna draw on me or what? I see your hand, I’ve been in enough gunfights to know when someone wants to shoot me. Go ahead, MW. See what happens.

MW: I ain’t gonna shoot, I’m just bein’ cautious.

MIKE: What actually is gonna happen if we say no? You’re gonna keep us in this sealed off room until we get desperate enough to say yes? ‘Cause it’s going to take a long time to get through to me. I solved a whole puzzle while we were cooped up in that saferoom. You understand what sort of mental fortitude it takes to sit there and solve an all-pink puzzle? I am nigh unflappable, Lieutenant.

LIEUTENANT: It ain’t nothin’ like that, pard. We’ll just throw ya back to the wolves ‘n see how long you and the rest of Base last. We’ll try to find some other trap to set for Nobody. But it would be too late for y’all.

MW: I feel like we’re talking in circles. I say we just do it, Mike.

MIKE: And we’re gonna keep talking in circles until I’m sure of what to do, MW. 

LIEUTENANT: I could give y’all a little bit of time to think on it. Talk to yourselves. I can come back and get an answer from ya when you’re ready. No tricks or nothin’. I’m not lockin’ you in here forever and I ain’t got the place bugged. You got all the privacy you need.

MW: I reckon that’s a good idea, Mike. You okay with that?

MIKE: I’m not okay with anything, honestly. 

LIEUTENANT: Well Mike, how ‘bout I get your Calculator all fixed up while I wait for an answer. They get all glitchy inside of Operose sometimes. There’s a lot of electronic interference out here to keep the whole thing running. We ain’t exactly FCC compliant out here. Sometimes devices like the Calculator gotta be recalibrated.

MIKE: Uh huh, so the next part of this plan is to take my Calculator away from me. 

LIEUTENANT: Is it doing you any good right now, pilgrim?

MW: If it was doin’ us any good, then we wouldn’t be inside of Operose.

LIEUTENANT: My point exactly, MW. Mike? Can I see the Calculator please?

MIKE: Ugh, I had better get this back. You might have us under control, but you won’t be able to contain the wrath of Edgar if he learns that one of the Calculators got stolen. By a rogue iteration no less? He would burn this whole place down. 

LIEUTENANT: I know he would, pard. You’ll get it back in better shape than you gave it to me. Hell, just for you I’ll put Snake on there so you can play it while you’re sittin’ around on recon missions. Y’all are right to trust me, you know? I’ll get this here fixed up and get back to you and maybe you’ll have an answer for me when I get back.

MW: That works for us.

LIEUTENANT: You’re darn tooting it does. Alright, I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

[Time travel noises.]

MW: See Mike? If we still had the puzzle, we could put it together while we were waiting for him to get back.

MIKE: Never. Never again. 

[Moment of brief silence]

MIKE: I just think that if the puzzle were a different color, like if it were baby blue for example, it would be easier to solve because it would be easier to see the edges of the pieces.

MW: Now how does that make any sense, Mike? An edge is an edge, it don’t matter what color it is.

MIKE: Pink isn’t even a real color. It’s just something that your brain does in order to make sense of two different color wavelengths coming at you.

MW: Purple, Mike. You’re thinking of purple.

MIKE: And the puzzle was a purplish pink.

MW: No it weren’t, it were just pink.

MIKE: Well, we don’t have it to prove one way or the other, do we? But that’s what I remember. And memory is subjective, just like color.

MW: You’re trying to pull some sort of word magic on me, but I’m immune. Mikey pulls this shit all day every day. …Or, he- used to pull it. I guess.

MIKE: Yeah… I guess we had better make a decision if we’re going to bring Mikey back from the dead, huh? There’s a lot of cleaning up to do and we need to get rid of Nobody to even get started.

MW: You can say that again. [Pause.] Uh, uh, hey uh… weren’t Bruno in the saferoom with us when we got transported?

MIKE [overlapping]: Shit, shit! Shit! We totally forgot him. Was he still in there when you left, MW?

MW: As far as I know, he was. We don’t know where the saferoom went. It disappeared behind us. It could be anywhere.

MIKE [overlapping again]: Fuck, fuck! Fuck! Well, maybe Lieutenant knows. God, I don’t want to ask him for a favor. Is it better if Bruno stayed in the saferoom or if he’s wandering around Operose?

MW: Neither seems like a very good option, Mike.

MIKE: Oh my god, what a nightmare. Boris is gonna kill us.

[Time travel noises.]

MICHAEL: One of y’all ingrates lose a pup in here?

MIKE: Oh my god, you found Bruno? Where is he?

MICHAEL: He’s safe, pard. I sent him back to Latvia. Now how the hell did he end up in OI? This ain’t a safe place for a dog. What if there have been a squirrel in the grass? He’d be a goner.

MW: We didn’t mean to let him out. Or to bring him with us. Or to even be here. 

MIKE: But thank you for helping us, Lieutenant. I guess. [Pause.] Hey uh, where’s my Calculator? You said that you’d fix it and bring it back.

MICHAEL: You gave that scoundrel one of our Calculators? I wouldn’t have done that, pilgrim.

MIKE: …You’re not… Lieutenant?

MICHAEL: I only got a little smidge of Lieutenant in me. It’s me, Mike. I’m here to bust y’all out of here.

MW: Michael…?

MICHAEL: In the flesh, pard. 

MIKE: Michael! It’s so good to see you! How did you get in here? How did you find us?

MICHAEL: I had to dig deep inside myself, Mike. There’s just a little bit of Lieutenant left in me and he knows this place in and out. I had to fake it till I made it and I very nearly got my cover blown, but I figured out what Lieutenant was up to and where he was keepin’ ya.

MIKE: We thought you were dead. Well, Lieutenant was being vague on purpose to make us think you were dead.

MW: I didn’t believe him. These days I don’t believe someone’s dead ‘til I see their body.

MICHAEL: Well, there’s lots of bodies to see and believe out there, MW. Can’t let y’all be the next two. So, what does Lieutenant want from y’all?

MIKE: OI has got Helen and so they want us to take Helen and use her to catch Nobody.

MICHAEL: Not the worst idea I’ve ever heard. It’d be good to catch Nobody. I don’t know if y’all know what’s going on out there, but things are heatin’ up, so I say we change the plan. But, you got to listen and follow orders. We’re gonna turn this negotiation in our favor.

MIKE: What did you have in mind?

MICHAEL: Going off this fuzzy Lieutenant memory I got, he always transports into the interrogation room facing that way, towards that wall over there. So I’m gonna stand behind him and clobber him before he can do something fancy to get out of it. Simple as that.

MW: He did tell us there weren’t no cameras in here.

MIKE: Alright, Lieutenant transports in, he gets clobbered, uh. Then what?

MW: If you can get us out of here, I’ve got a pistol. I can just shoot him.

MICHAEL: No sir. I want him alive. I’m gonna consolidate with him. And I’m gonna need y’all to hold him down, just like you did with the last Lieutenant.

MIKE: Okay so, we’re doing a slam consolidation?

MICHAEL: No. Won’t work. Need a regular consolidation. I need more information about what goes on inside Operose.

MIKE: You can’t do that, Michael, it’s not safe. You’re already 1/64th Lieutenant, plus another half means he’s the majority stakeholder.

MICHAEL: I can handle Lieutenant, Mike. He’s weak.

MIKE: This is a really bad idea.

MICHAEL: I didn’t ask for your opinion, Mike. I asked you to follow orders. Now, I’m gonna plant my feet right here and not move until Lieutenant gets–

[Time travel noises.]

LIEUTENANT: I’m back folks. And I put Snake AND Breakout on the Calculator. How’s that for a good time–

[The scuffle begins.]

MICHAEL: Hold him still-

LIEUTENANT: Michael?

[Sounds of MIKE in pain, and the fight continues]

LIEUTENANT: You fuckin varmints I’m trying to help you-

[More struggling from all of them]

MICHAEL: Do the consolidation-

LIEUTENANT: You idiots- You let go-

MIKE: I can’t see shit! I can’t see to use the calculator Michael-

MW: I’ll do it.

MICHAEL: Quick, MW-

MIKE: Slam consolidate him, MW-

MW: I don’t know how to do that, Mike-

MICHAEL: Just consolidate us, MW.

LIEUTENANT: You think you’ll survive consolidation? Bring it on, Michael. 

MW: Are you sure about this, Michael?

MICHAEL: Do it, MW.

MW: Okay. 3… 2… 1…

[Time travel noises.]

MW: [exhaling] Well, how do you feel, Michael?

MICHAEL: I feel fine, all things considered. Everything is rushing to my head, but I’ll get the hang of it. I got that loser Lieutenant under control. And I can figure out all this OI stuff. [Pause.] You doing okay over there, Mike?

MIKE: No, everything’s blurry, ugh. 

MW: You’re bleeding out your ear, Mike.

MIKE: Edgar told me I wasn’t allowed to get any more concussions.

MICHAEL: I think we need to get y’all out of here pronto. You need real medical care. Might be time to suck it up and go talk to Ty Betteridge.

MIKE: …Who is Ty Betteridge?

MICHAEL: Wow. He musta hit you harder than I thought with that Calculator, Mike. Heh. “Who is Ty Betteridge?” Wish I could forget. 

MW: Uh, I don’t get the joke, Michael. I don’t know who that is. Ty… Betteridge? Is that someone from Operose?

MICHAEL: Uh, Ty Betteridge? Uh, the Compound? Felix? The experiments? Uh, Samantha? Hello?

MIKE: I don’t know what any of that is.

MW: I’m just as lost as you are, Mike. Who is Ty Betteridge?

MICHAEL [With gritted teeth]: We have got to find Nobody. 

[Closing theme plays.]

AFTER CREDITS: [Vanish In It starts playing] 

When the ballast breaks, I’ll drag you back to shore
You’ll be my hand-me-down
It took a long long time to pin your location
I wouldn’t let you drown
So deferential, damaged your potential
I wanted to use you up
Let’s see your longest breath, I bet you can’t hold it
When it comes time to test your mettle will you pencil me in?

Shaking is the hand that steals the crown
I bet you’re feeling unencumbered now
It won’t take long to mix you in
When you give yourself to it, you vanish in it

Credit it where it is due
From any point of view
Obscured yourself so that you could
(Vanish in it)
And I could rack my brain
But it’d reveal the same
Inability to visualize you
(Vanish in it)

(Call it the luck of the draw)
I got so much done
Waiting for you to stop
Breathing water
Change your mind and come up
Don’t you think they love us?
All indifferent gods
They made you a pawn
But I put you on the board
Time to appreciate what I’ve done

Aching is the head that will decide
How to get the most from your waterlogged hide
If they even deign to let you in
When I dry you out, you better vanish in it.

[END Episode 164.]