163: Magnolia/Python

SUMMARY

Someone is always wondering around with a bottle of transmission fluid and no idea how to use it.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Karma and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 163.]

INTRO: Hey guys. Welcome back to Season 14. I spent my whole vacation working, isn’t that great? And I spent some of that time streaming on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. I have been getting back into the logical journey of the Zoombinis, so if you would like to see me yell at a children’s game because it is WAY too hard, that is at twitch.tv/woebegonepod.

And if you’d like to support the show you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies With Michael, and more! $2 and up patrons get monthly Q&As which have been getting long and longer, and at some point I will just be doing Q&As my whole life without stopping. You can ask me any question and I will answer it, either in the discord or in a thread on the patreon. Again that is patreon.com/woe_begone.

Special thanks to the 11 patrons that signed up during the intermission: [REDACTED], for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Opening theme plays.]

[Outside ambiance, birds chirping. Magnolia knocks on a door, which opens.]

PYTHON: Hey hey! You must be Magnolia? You messaged me about the room?

MAGNOLIA: That’s me! Magnolia, she/they. Thank you for getting back to me so fast, uh… you… must be…

PYTHON: Python. Yeah, it’s a cool name. It’s nice to meet you, Magnolia. Everyone here is really excited to have you. Is this all of your stuff? Do you need help carrying anything? That box? That… slightly smaller box?

MAGNOLIA: I’m all good, this is everything. I’m traveling light. I only anticipate being in town for a couple of weeks, maybe a month?

PYTHON [laughing]: That was my plan, too. Just a couple of weeks and then I’m out of here. That was 3 years ago, heh. Here, come in. I’ll show you around and introduce you to everyone.

[Door shuts behind them.]

MAGNOLIA: This is… an interesting place you’ve got here.

PYTHON: It’s probably the cleanest it has ever been. I wanted to leave a good first impression. Living here is great, honestly. A little loud and chaotic, sure, but everyone here is great to live with as long as everybody obeys the chore wheel. [He chuckles.] Maybe that will… actually happen some day. [Pause.] Alright, here we are. Our first stop on the tour bus: the old man.

MAGNOLIA: Old man?

PYTHON: He’s some old cowboy guy that moved in with us awhile back. He’s got his share of stories, that’s for sure. No idea if any of them are true, but…

[Python knocks on the door.]

PYTHON: Hey old man! You awake in there? That new girl that I was telling you about is here. Magnolia. [Pause, Python continues knocking.] Helloooooo? Ugh, you’re not, like, dead in there are you? If I come in there and you’re faking a heart attack just to see if anybody cares about you, I’m actually calling an ambulance this time.

MAGNOLIA: He actually did that?

PYTHON: I accidentally broke one of his ribs doing chest compressions. He came clean pretty quickly after that. He’s probably asleep in there. He keeps these weird hours. I should check in on him, though. If he’s, like, actually dead in there and I’m out here cracking jokes about it, I’m gonna feel like an asshole.

MAGNOLIA: Okay…

PYTHON: Knock, knock, I’m coming in! [Whispers to himself.] Please have clothes on this time.

[Click, as Python opens the door.]

PYTHON: Hello? Old man? [Clicks tongue.] Welp, he’s not in here. Funny. I didn’t see him leave. Where would he even go? …What the hell… what is this?

[Plastic tapping as Python picks something up.]

MAGNOLIA: I believe that is a cassette tape.

PYTHON: Yeah, I know what it is. But why?

[Paper crinkling.]

PYTHON [sighing]: I’m gonna try to read it like him. [Begins reading in a southern accent.] “Howdy folks. Sorry, but I gotta hit the old dusty trail. I gotta get a move on afore my life catches up to me and drags you down. The ramblin’ life was callin’ me somethin’ fierce. The tape will explain everything. I’m gonna miss y’all. Magnolia can have my room and all of the accouterments if’n they want. I ain’t comin’ back for ‘em. Keep ‘em in line, Python. -M”

MAGNOLIA: I thought you were offering me a room that was already empty?

PYTHON: I was. This is news to me. That bastard. I can’t believe that he took off without saying goodbye. The room is yours if you want it, though. And the uh… “accouterments.”

MAGNOLIA: I appreciate the generosity, but it’s uh- it’s not really my style of decoration.

PYTHON: Wait, let me get this straight: you’re saying you don’t want a cow skull hanging on the wall, 3 pairs of cowboy boots, a hat rack full of cowboy hats, and a dramatic photo of a cattle drive above the bed? What more could you want?

MAGNOLIA: Don’t get me wrong, I love a pair of cowboy boots, but uh… it’s a bit much of an aesthetic commitment, I think.

PYTHON: The old man always said that it was him in the picture. Of course, you can’t tell because the cowboy has his back to the photographer and every other word out of his mouth was an exaggeration, but… [he sighs] I like to think that it was him.

MAGNOLIA: So he just left? He didn’t tell any of you that he was leaving?

PYTHON: Nope. And he would have told me, surely. We were besties. At least, I thought we were. I hope he’s okay.

MAGNOLIA: What do you think’s on the tape?

PYTHON: An explanation for everything, allegedly. Nothing quite like a mystery to kick off your first day in a new house, right, Magnolia?

MAGNOLIA: I’m always down for a mystery.

PYTHON: Why did you say you were in town, again?

MAGNOLIA: Oh! I uh… I don’t think I did. I’m… well, I don’t really like the word “journalist” because all I do is make silly little videos on the internet, and, uh, about fandoms and tv shows and stuff. I’m working on a story right now, though, and there were some rumblings on the internet about Oldbrush Valley. So I decided to do the whole digital nomad thing and start poking around out here, seeing what I could figure out.

PYTHON: Oh, I gotcha. You’re here for the O.V.E.R. conspiracy theory stuff. I’ll introduce you to Flash. They’re way into conspiracy theories. Maybe too far in, honestly. They’ll talk your ear off about what happens inside of O.V.E.R. and the Hollow Earth and the satellites that change your eye color if you look at them in the sky and all sorts of stuff.

MAGNOLIA: Well-

PYTHON: Oh! They’ll tell you about the uh, the Area 51 Halloween party. They call it “Scarea 51”. I don’t know, it’s stupid but uh, they’ll tell you all about it.

MAGNOLIA: That’s not exactly what I’m looking for. It’s… well, it’s not supernatural. At least I don’t think it is…

[Python knocks on another door.]

PYTHON: Flash! Come meet the new roommate!

[Door opens.]

FLASH: Hey there. I’m Flash. You must be Magnolia. It’s great to finally meet you.

MAGNOLIA: Thanks. Good to be here.

PYTHON: They were just telling me about a project that they are working on about Oldbrush Valley. Maybe something you have some insight in? O.V.E.R. conspiracies and stuff?

MAGNOLIA: Well, it’s not actually like that. It’s more about uh… I’m looking for a giant horse. Gigantic horse, even.

FLASH: Oh, definitely. O.V.E.R. can easily create a giant horse. They’ve got a spider in there that’s the size of a car. Some people think that spider escaped and that’s what destroyed 357A.

MAGNOLIA: I don’t think the horse I’m looking for is that big.

PYTHON: Also, the Old Man up and left us. The letter made it sound like he isn’t coming back, so if you want any of his cowboy “accouterments,” it’s all still in there.

FLASH: Oh. That’s too bad. He always had the best stories. Did he say why he was leaving? He’s not mad at us is he? I know he said we were all “varmints” but… honestly I took it as a term of endearment.

PYTHON: He didn’t seem angry at us. He left us a tape that is supposed to explain everything, but I don’t have anything to play it on.

FLASH: I’m pretty sure Skuzz has a tape deck. Cutting Grass put out a cassette-exclusive EP last year. I assume they’d have something they can play it on if they were, y’know, selling it to other people.

PYTHON: If anyone has a tape deck in 2024, it is definitely Skuzz. Wait a second… why didn’t I get one of these EPs?

FLASH: You should’ve gotten one. They were in the little goodie bags at the Christmas party.

PYTHON: That explains it. I was in jail during the Christmas party, remember?

FLASH: Oh yeah! [They huff a laugh.] What a night that was.

MAGNOLIA: You were in jail? What for?

FLASH: Yeah, tell her, Python.

MAGNOLIA [slyly]: A lady never tells.

FLASH: You should ask Skuzz for an extra. They’ve got a ton left over.

PYTHON: I think I will, though we have established that I don’t have anything to play it on. [He sighs.] Alright, we had better keep going if we’re going to introduce Magnolia to everyone in the house. I’ll get the tape deck from Skuzz and tell everyone what’s happening and then we can all meet in the living room and listen to the tape together. Sound like a plan?

FLASH: It’s a plan, snakey man.

PYTHON: Cool beeeaaans! Catch ya in a few.

FLASH: Later. [They click their tongue.]

[Footsteps as Python and Magnolia walk away.]

MAGNOLIA: I’m not really here for conspiracy theories. It’s- there’a a famous horse, and he went missing and the media narrative just doesn’t make any sense. I’m trying to figure out what actually happened. Is Flash right about what goes on inside of Oldbrush Valley Energy and Resources? Do they really have a spider the size of a car?

PYTHON: Oh definitely probably not. I mean, they probably don’t have a spider the size of a car. What would you even do with that? Make infinite silk? Oh… actually… But- but, for real, they probably don’t have one. [He sighs.] On the other hand, if anyone on Earth does have one, it’s O.V.E.R. Not like “over”, but like “o.v.e.r.” O.V.E.R. I don’t think one big spider’s gonna, like, ruin the world. [He gives a short laugh, whispers.] …but wait…

MAGNOLIA: That’s a shame. I… like spiders. I was a bug collector as a kid. I even have a tattoo on my arm it’s- it’s an isopod! See?

PYTHON: Ah, very cool! Definitely don’t show that off to Skinner.

MAGNOLIA: Noted.

[Faint music coming from Skuzz’s room.]

PYTHON: Hey Skuzz, we’re here!

SKUZZ: Hey, come in, come in, come in! Is that a new face? Oh, I love it. That room’s been empty for way too long. I’m Skuzz. That’s with a “k” and 2 “z”s.

MAGNOLIA: I’m Magnolia. That’s with… all the letters that are in the word “Magnolia.” Are you making that music?

SKUZZ: That would be me. You ever heard of, uh, Cutting Grass by chance?

MAGNOLIA: As of a couple of minutes ago, yeah. Flash mentioned it when I met them. I like what I’m hearing.

SKUZZ: Right on, right on! We’re playin’ a show this weekend, but it’s out of town. Actually, all of our shows are out of town because Oldbrush Valley doesn’t have a single music venue. It’s kind of a none-horse town, if you know what I mean? But you can hop in the van with us if you wanna come!

PYTHON: Is the van gonna be fixed by then?

SKUZZ: Yeah, [he sighs] Sax is working on it as we speak. Says he thinks he can get it running today.

MAGNOLIA: I’ll think about that. Thank you for the offer.

SKUZZ: Yeah, any time.

PYTHON: Oh, speaking of horses, do you know of any horses that might have made this none-horse town into a one-horse town? Magnolia is looking for one.

SKUZZ: Sure. Set foot outside the city limits and you’re up to your eyeballs in horses.

MAGNOLIA: I’m looking for a specific horse, actually. A- a giant horse, uh… ‘Gigantic’ is his official title. It’s for a video I’m working on.

SKUZZ: Oh, you mean that one horse, right? That Blunder or Blitzen…

MAGNOLIA: Bluster.

SKUZZ: Bingo, that’s the one. He’s still missing as far as I know. Seems like everybody on Earth’s lookin’ for him.

MAGNOLIA: Far as I could tell, no one’s found him. There are rumors circulating, though, that he might have left Bluster’s Grove and come up this way.

SKUZZ: I’ll uh, keep an eye out.

PYTHON: Hey, Skuzz. Speaking of Cutting Grass, Flash mentioned that you gave everyone a cassette with an exclusive EP on it at the Christmas party last year.

SKUZZ: Oh! Yeah, I did. Sorry. Dude, I totally forgot. You were in jail, I broke my pinky toe, that night was chaotic. It totally slipped my mind to give you one when you got out. Okay, well, I did remember, but it was already March when I did and I thought it would be weird to give you a Christmas present in March so I didn’t say anything. Here, take one. I’ve got… 253 left.

[Plastic clicks and creaks as Skuzz hands Python the cassette.]

PYTHON: Thanks! Yeah, no worries. Oh, uh, Flash said that you have a tape deck?

SKUZZ: Yeah, you can borrow it to listen to the EP, but I’ve only got the one.

PYTHON: Oh, no. That- that’s not what I need it for. I have a tape that I need to play for everyone. The Old Man moved out… maybe this morning? Maybe earlier? I don’t remember the last time I saw him. B- but he left a cassette for us that is supposed to explain why he left.

SKUZZ: That’s a cool way to make an exit. May I see it?

PYTHON: Sure thing. I was thinking that we could have a listening party in the living room. You could move some of your equipment out there and play it for us. Could you pleeeaaase do that for us?

SKUZZ [cheekily]: Thank you for volunteering my stuff, Python. No, no, it’s fine! I’m glad to help. [Pause.] Hey! This is a Cutting Grass cassette. Wait… [Imitating a cowboy voice.] That dang ol’ varmint wrote over my music!

PYTHON: If he ever comes back, you two can have a duel at high noon.

SKUZZ: Ah, nah, I’ll forgive him before that. It’s already left my mind.

MAGNOLIA: That was fast.

SKUZZ: I don’t hold onto grudges. Um… It was nice meeting you, Magnolia!

MAGNOLIA: It was nice meeting you, too, Skuzz.

PYTHON: We had better get going. Thanks for volunteering.

SKUZZ: What can I say? It’s what I do. Don’t forget that Sax is in the garage working on the van, and since it’s loud as hell in there there’s no way he’s gonna hear us gathering in the living room. You’ll have to go get him yourselves.

PYTHON: Thanks for the heads up. We’ll head there next. See ya, Skuzz.

SKUZZ: Yup. See ya soon.

PYTHON: Bye!

[Footsteps as Magnolia and Python leave Skuzz.]

MAGNOLIA: Skuzz seems super nice. Is their band successful?

PYTHON: I think that depends on how you measure success. I think that they are as successful as a mostly-instrumental chiptune-inspired post-rock tinged indie rock band can be in a podunk town in the middle of nowhere. More importantly, they are cool as hell.

MAGNOLIA: Everyone here seems cool so far.

PYTHON: [Chuckles] Remember that you said that. I’ll ask you if you’ve changed your mind after the first time you get into an argument about what constitutes the trash can being “full.” Old Man pulled a gun on me once because I told him it was his turn to take it out. [He chuckles again nervously, then briefly pauses.] Anyway, we’re here.

[Door to garage opens, loud rock music spills out.]

PYTHON [Shouting over the music.]: HEY! HEY SAX! SAX! TURN THE FUCKIN’ MUSIC DOWN, DUDE. OUR NEW ROOMMATE IS HERE. I NEED TO INTRODUCE YOU.

[Music fades as Sax turns it lower, music continues to play in the background. Sax speaks in a British accent.]

SAX: I didn’t hear any of that. What do you want, snake?

PYTHON: Saxophone, ol’ buddy ol’ pal! How’s the van coming along?

SAX: Firstly, “Sax” is not short for “Saxophone.” Secondly, the van is coming along much more smoothly now that I know that it had too much transmission fluid in it. Which one of you idiots did that? None of you are allowed to work on the van ever again.

MAGNOLIA: Hey there! Uh, Sax, right? My name is Magnolia. I saw the ad for the spare room online. I’m going to be living here for a couple of weeks while I’m working on a story. It’s about a gigantic horse.

SAX: It is a pleasure to meet you, Magnolia. You must have a penchant for chaos if you have decided to stay here. There is never a dull moment. Someone is always wandering around with a bottle of transmission fluid and no idea how to use it. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I am Sax, the resident handyman, mechanic, jack of all trades. Come to me if you need anything fixed. Anything at all, I’ll take a crack at it. And uh… definitely don’t let anyone else try, especially Python. [He lowers his voice slightly.] He can’t even change a tire.

PYTHON: Oh, come on Sax, of course I can change a tire! You get your spare, your car jack, and a phone with a Youtube app on it and follow the instructions. How hard could it be?

SAX: See what I mean? If something breaks, find me. The other loveable dickheads will give it their best shot and [chuckles] break it worse. Unless you have a gun. I’d go to Old Man about that, personally.

MAGNOLIA [quietly]: I don’t… have a gun.

PYTHON: And Old Man doesn’t live here anymore. That’s part of why I came in here.

SAX: Aw, shit! Old Man is gone? That sucks. It’s not because of Skinner, is it? I don’t even know what Old Man was mad about.

PYTHON: Huh? I don’t think so? What’s this about Skinner?

SAX: Old Man has been extremely, uh, short with them the past couple of weeks. No eye contact, only acknowledging them when he had to.

PYTHON: I guess I never noticed. I guess they did something to set him off?

SAX: Who knows. That’s a shame. I would have liked to have said goodbye to that weird old cowboy.

PYTHON: Yeah, I would have, too. He left a cassette and a note that said that it would explain everything about why he had to leave. I’m rounding everyone up into the living to listen to it. Are you interested?

SAX: Yeah. Of course. Man, I hope that everything is okay with him. He was asking some weird questions last time I saw him.

MAGNOLIA: What… kind of weird questions?

SAX: He wanted to know if I was able to geolocate a house in the background of a video of a horse. I asked him why he wanted to do that and he got cagey and insisted: “weren’t none o’ your dang business, partner.” [He breathes a laugh.] Computers aren’t my strong suit, so I told him I couldn’t help.

MAGNOLIA: Do you remember what that video was? I’m also looking for a horse. Gigantic horse. It’s a… big deal. Well, big deal to the people of Bluster’s Grove.

SAX: The big horse? After he brought it to me, I started seeing news about that horse everywhere. I don’t know why. It didn’t seem like him to be obsessed with a celebrity.

MAGNOLIA: That’s Bluster the Gigantic Horse! He went missing a while ago. There are a lot of people that really want to find him. I mean, people love that horse. Renamed a town after him. Love that horse. He’s an internet sensation. That’s why I’m in town, actually. Uh, internet sleuths are saying that there’s reason to believe that he is connected to Oldbrush Valley somehow.

SAX: Let me guess. Flash thinks that this is all part of some enormous conspiracy for O.V.E.R. to control minds by putting hypnotic messages in the Kentucky Derby or something. And Robert thinks that Flash is an idiot.

PYTHON: We haven’t talked to Robert yet, but probably. We’ll go see him next.

SAX: Prepare to be bored, Magnolia. He is a sophisticate among us gremlins. He’s ah… [He shudders.] an accountant.

MAGNOLIA: [Jokingly shudders.] How terrible.

PYTHON: Robert would come in handy during tax season if any of the rest of us dirty little gremlins had any money. We had better head out. People to see, news to break. See you in a little bit, Sax.

SAX: Yeah alright.

[Door closes and footsteps as Magnolia and Python leave.]

MAGNOLIA: Have you actually never changed a tire before?

PYTHON: It can’t be that hard, right? You take the bolts off and switch the tire with the spare. I mean it seems pretty straightforward, I probably wouldn’t even need the tutorial.

MAGNOLIA: You’re gonna regret that when you’re stuck on the side of the road alone one day.

PYTHON: That’s the cool thing about living here. I am never alone. Ever. Even for a single second. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I was alone.

MAGNOLIA: How many people live here, exactly?

PYTHON: Let’s see there’s me, you, Skuzz, Britches, Sax, Robert, Skinner, Flash, Old Man. [Abruptly stops, stutters, and makes a noise of a car screeching to a halt.] Subtract that! Minus the Old Man, uh, that’s 8 of us. There are a couple more who technically don’t have a room here but are here often enough to be family.

MAGNOLIA: Each person as chaotic as the last.

PYTHON: Well, except for Robert. He actually is a tax collector or insurance adjuster or whatever Sax said he was.

MAGNOLIA: An accountant?

PYTHON: Maybe. When I think about what he does for a living I get so bored that I can’t hold it in my brain. [He starts knocking on Rober’s door and makes a whooshing sound.] It’s gone!

[Robert’s door opens.]

ROBERT: Is it important, or is it silly?

PYTHON: Pretty important! The new roommate is here and I come bearing news.

ROBERT: The last time you knocked on my door you hit me with a pool noodle.

PYTHON: I appear before you today noodleless.

MAGNOLIA: Hi! I’m the new roommate. I’m real!

ROBERT: Fine. Come in.

MAGNOLIA: I have been told that you are Robert. I’m Magnolia. I’m moving into the spare room for a couple weeks. It’s nice to meet you.

ROBERT: It is a pleasure to meet you, Magnolia. They seem exceedingly normal, Python.

PYTHON: What can I say? I know how to pick ‘em.

ROBERT: Don’t let them give you one of those horrible nicknames, Magnolia. You’ll never be able to wash the stink of it off and you’ll end up like Britches. What brings you to Oldbrush Valley?

MAGNOLIA: I’m working on a video about this influencer who went missing. Except, uh, here’s the kicker: the influencer’s a horse. Gigantic horse. And the internet fandoms are going wild over it. The town he’s from changed their name to Bluster’s Grove, there’s an enormous cash reward, and things are only getting more unhinged the longer Bluster stays missing.

ROBERT: Oh. So not normal at all. Oh well. That sounds like Flash’s domain. Have you asked them about it?

MAGNOLIA: They were enthusiastic but not very helpful.

ROBERT: Sounds about right. I’m sure you got an earful about the squid that built the pyramids or whatever. Ugh.

PYTHON: Now, Robert. There’s no need to poison the well. Flash is gonna weird Mags out with their strange theories soon enough. There’s no need to rush things.

ROBERT: See what I mean, Magnolia? “Mags!” That’s how it starts. Something innocent like that. Don’t let them do it to you. I won’t even let them call me Rob because I know it goes from Rob to Bobbert to Bippy or some other such nonsense. I refuse to stand for it.

MAGNOLIA: I’ll keep that in mind. And keep me in mind if you see a gigantic horse wandering around Oldbrush Valley.

ROBERT: The Old Man is a cowboy. He might have a lead for you.

PYTHON [sighing]: The Old Man is gone, unfortunately. That’s what we came to tell you. He hit the old dusty trail.

ROBERT: That’s too bad. I sort of liked him. When’s the funeral?

PYTHON: He’s not dead… I don’t think. He moved out.

MAGNOLIA: “Left” is a better way to describe. All of his stuff is still in his room. So many cowboy hats.

ROBERT: I want the picture of the cattle drive if no one else has claimed it.

PYTHON: Fine with me. Most importantly, he left a cassette tape that’s supposed to explain why he left. We’re getting together in the living room to listen to it. You in?

ROBERT: The Old Man never told an unexaggerated truth in his entire life, so I wouldn’t get your hopes up if I were you. But I might as well join you. I’m not doing anything important. Moving numbers around on a spreadsheet. Flash needs to start making estimated quarterly payments to the IRS.

PYTHON: Flash is making money!?

ROBERT: They are, but you shouldn’t tell them that I told you. They’re trying to keep their net worth under their hat. Their big, stupid Jamiroquai hat.

MAGNOLIA: You’re keeping a secret for Flash? You two don’t seem like you get along very well.

ROBERT: It’s true that I think that Flash’s conspiracy theorizing is asinine. But what I really hate is the IRS poking around anywhere near me. If you have any tax questions, come to me pronto, Magnolia.

MAGNOLIA: I only plan on being here for a couple weeks…

ROBERT: That’s what everyone says. That’s what I said when I moved in a year and a half ago.

MAGNOLIA: What made you decide to stay?

PYTHON: He was all ready to move out and then Skinner moved in and [wistfully] he fell in love.

ROBERT: Snake. I am not in love with Skinner.

PYTHON: [Clicks tongue.] I dunno, why did you get so defensive then?

ROBERT: Because you can’t go around telling relative strangers – sorry Magnolia – that I’m in love with Skinner!

PYTHON: Well, I mean come on Robert, they have eyes! They’ll figure it out eventually.

ROBERT: Have you talked to Skinner yet today?

PYTHON: They are our last stop on the tour.

ROBERT: I would be careful. They are in a strange mood. Upset? Nervous? Panicked? I don’t know what’s going on. You might get something thrown at your head.

PYTHON: They didn’t say what was wrong?

ROBERT: They said nothing was wrong, but something happened. You’ll see when you go in there.

MAGNOLIA: Maybe I should meet Skinner some other time.

PYTHON: We have to go talk to them. They need to know that Old Man is gone and that we’re listening to the cassette in the living room. We had better be off.

ROBERT: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And nice to meet you, Magnolia.

MAGNOLIA: It was nice to meet you, too, Robert.

[Door clicks shut.]

PYTHON: Okay, if we didn’t do anything that he wouldn’t do, I don’t think that we would do anything. Ever.

MAGNOLIA: I mean, I don’t know. He seems kind of my speed. Reserved.

PYTHON: Suit yourself. Do you remember his boring non-nickname name?

MAGNOLIA: Robert. The tax something… something…

PYTHON: This is only the first string, too.

MAGNOLIA: I’m pretty good at the ol’ smile-and-nod “hey… you!” when I don’t remember someone’s name.

PYTHON: Sax has been bringing this one girl around to work on cars with him in the garage and I have no idea what her name is. It’s always so loud in there. I didn’t hear her introduce herself. She said her name and then he made a joke about Five Nights at Freddie’s and…that’s really all that I have to go on.

MAGNOLIA: Then her name is probably… Golden Freddie.

PYTHON: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Alright, our final destination. This is Skinner’s room. Follow my lead.

MAGNOLIA: I can wait out here if you think this would be a bad time to meet them.

PYTHON: Nah. They won’t bite your head off. [Pause.] Probably.

[Python knocks on the door.]

PYTHON: You in there, Skinner? The new roommate is here. You should meet them.

SKINNER [Snapping from behind the door.]: Now isn’t a very good time, Slither Hips.

PYTHON: Is everything okay in there? Robert warned us that you were in a bad mood.

SKINNER: [They scoff.] Look I- I’m, frazzled. That- that’s all! [They scoff again.] I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I appreciate the concern but we can braid each other’s hair and talk about our feelings later, alright?

PYTHON: I have something I need to tell you. It’s time sensitive. Could you open the door, please?

SKINNER: Wait, you keep saying “we.” Who’s “we”? If I open this door am I going to find every single one of you fuckers is huddled out there like the dwarves from snow white? I told you guys to stop doing that.

MAGNOLIA: Hi! Uh, my name is Magnolia. I’m moving into the spare room.

SKINNER: Fine!

[Door clicks open.]

SKINNER: What do you need?

PYTHON: Hey, Skinner. Sorry to interrupt. This is Magnolia. They’re moving into the house today.

MAGNOLIA: It’s nice to meet you.

SKINNER: Magnolia, right? [They scoff.] Listen, it’s a pleasure to meet you. And Mags—Sorry, can I call ya Mags? Heh, I’m real sorry that I snapped at you through the door, that was shitty of me. I promise I am not always this much of a jackass.

MAGNOLIA: It’s fine. People have bad days.

PYTHON: Hey, do you wanna talk about it? Sax said that he thought Old Man was upset with you?

SKINNER: Heh, Sax needs to learn to mind his own fucking business. Buuuuuut… since he isn’t, what did Sax say about the Old Man?

PYTHON: Nothing. Just that he caught a bad vibe between the two of you, I think.

SKINNER: Hey, that’s got nothing to do with him leaving, if that’s what you mean. And that fucker definitely fed Wesker on his way out because I didn’t get my 5AM wake up call demanding breakfast today. So that old fox knew what he was up to.

PYTHON: You knew he left? I just learned about it when I was showing Magnolia around.

SKINNER: Come on, of course I noticed! [Laughing a bit.] I mean, he’s just a big lumbering oaf who’s always dressed for a duel at high noon. Heh, who wouldn’t notice that he left? [They laugh some more.]

PYTHON: Did he say anything to you about why he was leaving?

SKINNER: Nope, he sure didn’t. [Scoffs.] He could literally be anywhere by now.

PYTHON: He left a tape and a note that said everything we need to know is on the tape.

SKINNER: A tape? Heh… a tape. Yeah, of course! Of course he did, of course he did. [They become more serious.] Do you have this tape with you now?

PYTHON: We gave it to Skuzz. They’re setting up a listening party in the living room. Why?

SKINNER: [Frustrated sigh.] Nah, I just- I just wanted to take a look? Ya know… maybe there’s a clue or something.

PYTHON: Okay… well, do you want to come listen to the cassette with us?

SKINNER: Oh, wait, right now? Sorry I’m… [Scoffs.] I’m really busy. I got a whole day of number crunching with Bibbity-Bobbety-Robbity blocked off. I’m just kidding, come on. Yeah of course, let’s go listen. Have you talked to the others, yet?

PYTHON: They’re waiting on us. You’re the last one.

SKINNER: Yeah, okay. Let’s go. I need a break anyway, and besides, knowing how much the old man loves the sound of his own voice, the sooner that we get listening the better. I hope someone’s making popcorn.

[Python, Magnolia, and Skinner leave the room and head to the living room.]

PYTHON: Are you… alright, Skinner? You’re much more… on edge than usual.

SKINNER: [They blow a raspberry] Yeah, I’m fine. Today has just been… [sighs] overwhelming, y’know? I feel like I’m in this hole, and I’m trying to get out of it by digging up.

MAGNOLIA: I know what you mean. I’ve met… 6 people today so far, I think?

SKINNER: [They laugh.] Yeah… there’s a lot of us and we’re not a quiet bunch. Heh… so uh… you planning to move into the old man’s room, then?

MAGNOLIA: No, I’m moving into a different spare room. All of his stuff is still in there.

SKINNER: Oh, hey. I’ll take any of his stuff that no one else wants. Let everyone else have their pick, I know Robby-bobby has his eye on that photo above the old man’s bed, but I want the rest, okay?

PYTHON: Uh… sure. That’s… unexpected, but I- I don’t see a problem with it.

[They stop walking as they reach the living room.]

PYTHON: Hey everybody!

[Everyone speaks simultaneously as they greet one another.]

SKINNER: Hey Bibbiety-Bobbety–Boo, you hear this tape yet? He taped over Skuzz’s EP.

SAX: Which one of you dickheads put too much transmission fluid in the van? [Unintelligible]

SKUZZ: Hi friends! Woah! Shit, Rob…

FLASH: [Lackadaisically] Hey! Good to see ya out your room, Skinner. Good to see ya found a tape deck.

[Their voices stop overlapping.]

SKUZZ: Okay, everything is hooked up and raring to go. The listening experience will be the highest possible fidelity for a cassette which, admittedly, is not a high bar.

PYTHON: I’m sure it’ll sound great, Skuzz. Are we ready to hit play?

FLASH: Wait, where’s Britches?

SKINNER: Britches is at work. Someone’s gonna have to fill them in when they get off their shift. Let’s roll, come on.

ROBERT: I’ll take notes.

PYTHON: Cool beans. We are good to go then, I think? Hitting play in three… ta-hoo! One.

[Python pushes the play button on the tape deck, and the audio of Michael from episode 159 plays.]

OLD MAN [Through the cassette tape.]: Uh, hello uh… check um… h-howdy, um… If’n you’re listenin’ to this, then I probably ain’t around the house no more, so… first I wanna thank y’all for your hospitality. Even if none of y’all wanted to do the Movies With Michael podcast with me. I uh… weren’t in a good place when I showed up. I had nowhere else to go, and y’all took me in and I’ll be forever in your gratitude. Bonnie, Skinner, Flash, Robert, Marigold, Python you ol’ sonofabitch, uh, Skuzz, Naomi, Britches…

[Old Man’s voice fades out as the scene transitions.]

[A bell rings as everyone enters the 24 Hour Diner. Light guitar music plays in the background, customers are chatting unintelligibly, silverware scrapes against other utensils.]

PYTHON [Sing-songy]: Briiiiiitches! We have a serious proooooblem!

BRITCHES: Python, I can’t feed all of you lunch every day. I just can’t. Latif has noticed the missin’ hotdogs, and he’s askin’ questions I don’t have answers to. Yesterday I had to make up a story about a poor momma possum and her 16 babies that I found. He put a dish full of hotdogs in the back for them last night. So now, we do have possums but they’re real possums and they demand hotdogs. I hope you’re happy.

SKINNER: Britches, buddy. The problem is much bigger than hotdogs, okay? [Quickly laughs and inhales deeply.] The Old Man has run off and he might be in some serious trouble.

BRITCHES: I thought you were mad at the Old Man?

SKINNER: What–why is everyone—No, look. [Slight hysterical laughter.] We were clashing. And now, I’m putting all that energy into finding him, okay? Heh, he left a goddamn cassette tape like a teen protagonist from a WB show explaining why he’s run off and it sounds like the jackass needs our help.

ROBERT: For the record, I voted not to look for him. If he needed our help, then why did he leave without us?

PYTHON: Because he doesn’t want us to get involved.

SAX: It seems as though he’s run off to avenge the murder of a Gigantic Horse.

MAGNOLIA: Not just any Gigantic Horse. Bluster the Gigantic Horse.

BRITCHES: Bluster from the TikToks? What does that have to do with the Old Man?

MAGNOLIA: Everything, apparently. According to this tape, there was a… clone-copy of him? Taking care of Bluster down in Texas.

FLASH: Not clones, copies of him from different time periods because time travel exists. They’re doing time travel at O.V.E.R. I have been trying to tell you all this this entire time and you didn’t believe me. But as soon as the cowboy says it, you believe him?

ROBERT: I don’t believe him.

SKUZZ: Oh, also, we’ve got a new roommate.

BRITCHES: So that’s who that is. Hi there.

MAGNOLIA: Hi. I’m Magnolia. You’re Britches?

BRITCHES: That’s me. There’s a lot to unpack here. The Old Man is gone because… horse… and also time travel. I’m having trouble seeing the connecting threads. It’s like that dream I have where it’s the end of the semester and I have an exam in a class that I forgot that I signed up for.

ROBERT: Don’t get too excited. The Old Man wanted to leave, so he spun us one last yarn as a way of explaining why he had to go, to make it less painful. It’s all metaphorical.

SKINNER: Alright Robo-berty. [Scoffs.] Thank you so much for your unsolicited opinion, but I don’t think so. That’s not the sort of tall tale he normally tells, alright? We need to find him and figure out what’s going on.

FLASH: I agree with Skinner. Mags, you came here looking for that same horse, right? Everything is connected. He wasn’t making shit up.

ROBERT: It is odd to see you agreeing with Flash, Skinner.

SKINNER [Groaning in frustration.]: Okay, maybe I feel guilty, okay? Because he left when we were on bad terms and he could be in trouble, alright Barto? [They sigh.] Maybe if we can get to him in time we can help him and I won’t have to worry that he’s dead in some retrocausal ditch somewhere in spacetime, alright?

MAGNOLIA: Skinner has a point. He reported that several copies of himself were dead. He made it sound like someone would kill him if they knew he was out there.

BRITCHES: Let’s… take a step back. The Old Man moved out of the house. When did he leave? Just now?

PYTHON: He wasn’t here when I gave Magnolia a tour of the house. But I’ve been around all day and I didn’t see him leave, either. It had to have been early this morning or earlier.

BRITCHES: I’m not sure that I understand. He left this morning? Because he came into the diner maybe… I don’t know… an hour ago? He didn’t have a suitcase or a backpack or anything like that. And he’s never had a car. He came to the diner on foot.

MAGNOLIA: How did he act when he got here?

BRITCHES: He acted odd, but he never acts normal. [He chuckles.] I don’t know. He was, uh… distant. He didn’t joke around or… tell stories or pretend to pull his revolver on me or any of that stuff. I came over to the table. He ordered and treated me like I was any old waiter, as though he didn’t recognize me. I thought this was a red flag, but he’s hard to understand and I didn’t want to pry. He always seemed like he has a lot going on.

SKINNER: Hoookay. Well, [frustrated grunt] did he tell you where he was going when he left?

BRITCHES: No. He paid in cash, took a right turn out the door, and started walking down the street.

SKUZZ: Well, there’s only one place you can walk to on that side of town, if you leave here and turn right.

FLASH: Oldbrush Valley Energy and Resources.

SKINNER: Fuck. [Muttering under their breath.] Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. [They return their attention to Skuzz.] You- you don’t think he went inside of O.V.E.R., right? [Slightly hysterical laughter.] That would be madness, right?!

SKUZZ: You either have to work there or know someone more important than me to get inside. He doesn’t have clearance.

SAX: He doesn’t work at O.V.E.R. We would have seen him leave the house and go to work.

MAGNOLIA: Maybe one of his copies can get inside? Okay, what do we know? So, the Old Man is Michael. He is the same person as Tex, the guy from Texas who lived with Bluster. He mentioned the O.V.E.R. zippo lighter that was in one of the BlusterTok videos. They… had that lighter for some reason. That’s why people think that Bluster is connected to O.V.E.R. Maybe one of the copies worked there so all of them can get in.

SAX: “Iterations.” That’s what he kept calling them.

ROBERT: None of that information does us any good. We can’t get into O.V.E.R. so it doesn’t matter if he’s in there or not.

SAX: Well maybe we go to the gate and explain that it’s an emergency? Python could turn on the charm?

PYTHON [In an exaggerated pleading voice.]: Oh, pretty pleaaaase O.V.E.R. Guard? Could you please let us in? Our poor poor cowboy friend is so, so lost and we think he’s in there. We’ll be out of your hair in just a minute.

ROBERT: I don’t think that’s going to work.

SKUZZ: Don’t forget, I work at O.V.E.R. I can get into Tier 1.

MAGNOLIA: If you work at O.V.E.R., then wouldn’t you know if Michael worked at O.V.E.R.? You two would see each other, presumably.

SKUZZ: You presume incorrectly. I am a landscaper. If he’s telling the truth, he’s likely in some sort of upper-level time-travelly department that I never even talk to. The spies don’t typically come out and help mow the lawn.

BRITCHES: So, could you get us into O.V.E.R. then, Skuzz?

SKUZZ: No way. Visitors’ passes are generally for friends and family of the people who live inside of O.V.E.R. and for high-ranking political and military figures. If all of us show up at the gate, they’ll push some silent alarm under the desk and haul us off. I’m only half-kidding.

SKINNER: Yeah… there’s no way I’m going inside of O.V.E.R. Think about it. If we got caught we might end up in some sort of CIA blacksite.

FLASH: Skinner’s right. Those people are bad news. You don’t want to give them a reason to hurt you.

SKUZZ: I could… go in alone if you all want me to. I wouldn’t be in any danger. I could pop in, look around all of the places that I’m allowed to look, and see if there’s a cowboy wandering around.

PYTHON: What should we do while you’re doing that?

BRITCHES: We could take a right out of the parking lot and keep going. But there’s no guarantee he actually went to O.V.E.R. He’s on foot, so he couldn’t have gone too far and there’s no off-roads so we might be able to find him. Shit, he might still be on this road somewhere.

MAGNOLIA: We could search for him until Skuzz is done checking O.V.E.R.… and then we’ll regroup.

SAX: Are we alright splitting up the party like this? Skuzz? You gonna be okay in there?

SKUZZ: No problemo. I’m at O.V.E.R. 5 days a week. There’s nothing scary in there.

FLASH: Oh, there’s scary stuff in there, alright.

ROBERT: There’s just people and buildings in there. And military weaponry, granted. That’s scary. But they probably aren’t going to fire a grenade at Skuzz.

SKUZZ: Who would trim the lawn if they blew my dumb ass up?

SKINNER: Yeah, so long as I don’t have to go in there, this plan is fine with me.

MAGNOLIA: I think we have to check. It would be too much of a coincidence if O.V.E.R. had nothing to do with this.

FLASH: Maybe he used to work there and something changed. Maybe he leaked too much information, like he did with the cassette. Maybe they are holding him hostage in there and doing evil time travel scientific experiment torture on him.

ROBERT: Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. All we have for proof is a cassette left behind by a cowboy. Nobody is conducting evil science experiments on the Old Man. That’s too far-fetched.

BRITCHES: We’ll need a new plan if he’s in time travel prison. I don’t think Skuzz can break him out alone.

SKUZZ: Hey, hey. Don’t underestimate the double Z, okay?

PYTHON: Sounds like we have a plan, gang! We’ll drop Skuzz off at the front gate of O.V.E.R. and drive down the road looking for the Old Man.

BRITCHES [As if calling for a dog.]: Here Old Man! Here Michael, here bo’! [They whistle.] I got your favorite treat! It’s whiskey! Here cowboy cowboy cowboy! [They whistle some more.]

ROBERT [Sarcastically.]: This plan is foolproof and I see no way it could possibly fail.

SAX: Alright, everyone! Into the van!

[Music fades out as the scene transitions. Suddenly there’s the muffled sound of road bumping.]

MAGNOLIA: Do either of you see anything up there?

BRITCHES: Yeah. [Grunts in frustration.] We can’t see shit back here.

SAX: Again, no we don’t. I’ll be sure to tell you if Skinner or I see something, I promise.

PYTHON: You should install some windows back here so that we can see out.

SAX: I mean if you would like to explain how to install windows in a cheapo van with sliding doors, [chuckles] I’d be more than happy to hear it.

PYTHON: I mean, you could just snip snip through the metal, right?

BRITCHES: It could be nice for Cutting Grass. Could make their out-of-town trips more pleasant.

SAX: If you all think you’re so smart, then, you do it. I hold a monopoly on working on cars, you know.

MAGNOLIA: You told Python to never try and fix the van ever again.

FLASH: Honestly, I think living with all of you made me forget how to work on a car. I used to know how to change my own oil. Now I just get Sax to do it.

PYTHON: Do you still remember how to change a tire, Magnolia?

MAGNOLIA: I still remember, but I just got here. I might forget soon. It’s… actually getting kinda fuzzy. The tires are the rubber things on the outside of the car, right?

SAX: Well, heh, Bonnie comes to the house several times per week and she still knows how to change a tire.

PYTHON: Bonnie! That’s her name!

MAGNOLIA: Dammit. I placed my bets on Circus Baby.

[There’s a pause as we hear the van continue driving.]

SAX: That’s uh… is that him!?

SKINNER: Sax, keep driving. Don’t stop.

[Everyone starts talking over one another.]

PYTHON: We found him? Let me see!

SKINNER [Whispering under their breath.]: Fuck… fuck… [Normal volume.] Sax, Sax, Do not come to a stop. I mean it.

ROBERT: Wait, is it really him?

FLASH: He wasn’t in O.V.E.R. after all…

MAGNOLIA: Let me see! That’s him? He’s not that old.

SAX: It’s him! You don’t want me to stop?

BRITCHES: What are you talking about, Skinner? That’s him! Of course we’re stopping.

MAGNOLIA: Who’s that with him?

SAX: Are… are his hands tied behind his back?

SKINNER: Okay, I need you to listen to me closely because: Yes, he has his hands tied behind his back. Something is seriously wrong. Someone has captured Michael and is forcing him to walk down the road. The situation is dangerous and he might have a gun pointed at him.

PYTHON: Okay, cool, I’ve got a gun, too.

ROBERT: I’ve got a gun, too. The Old Man gave it to me.

BRITCHES: He gave me one, too. I mean, I already had one, but…

SAX: You Americans and your guns… I left mine back at the house. I didn’t realize things were going to get a bit western over here.

MAGNOLIA: Looks like the rest of you are going to have to protect me and Sax.

BRITCHES: The Old Man can set you up with something, Magnolia… If we make it out of this alive, of course.

SAX: I’m stopping. I’m turning around. He clearly needs our help.

SKINNER: Sax, I’m telling you, I’m really not sure about this.

FLASH: Skinner, you have not made any sense all day. You changed your mind 50 times since we played the cassette. That’s our friend. We need to help him.

PYTHON: Everyone get ready. Whatever happens next isn’t going to be a walk in the park.

SKINNER: What are you even suggesting? Just because Michael handed out guns like party favors doesn’t mean any of you can aim for shit. Heh, besides, what are you gonna do, shoot the other guy?

PYTHON: Sure, why not?

SKINNER: Have you ever even fuckin shot a gun? What are you even suggesting right now?

MAGNOLIA: Have you ever killed someone, Python?

BRITCHES: Why do you think he was in jail during the Christmas party? [Pause.] Bad time for a joke. Sorry.

SAX: Are we ready? Because if we are, I’m going to pull over. Be ready to hop out immediately.

PYTHON: I’m ready.

FLASH: Me, too. We’re comin’ old man.

BRITCHES: Let’s do it. Strength in numbers.

ROBERT: I’ll bring up the rear.

SAX: Magnolia?

MAGNOLIA: I’m scared.

SAX: There’s no time to be scared. I’m pulling over.

PYTHON: Alright, gang. I’ll count us down. In 3… ta-hoo!… 1… GO!

BRITCHES: Let’s do it.

[The brakes squeal as Sax brings the van to a halt. The van doors slide open and grass crunches as everybody exits.]

FLASH: FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER!

SAX: Let the Old Man go or we’ll shoot!

MICHAEL: Flash, Sax, how the hell y’all find me? What are y’all doin’ out here? You must be Magnollia-

PYTHON: Let him go and everything will be fine. We want our friend back, safe and sound. That’s all we want.

MICHAEL: I told y’all not to come lookin’ for me. Dammit.

BRITCHES: Too bad. Shouldn’t have been such a good friend if you didn’t want us worrying about you.

NOBODY: Michael, who are these people? Skinner? What are you doing here?

MAGNOLIA: …Skinner?

SAX: You know this bloke?

SKINNER: Well, fuck.

MICHAEL: What is going on?

[Plastic clicks as both Nobody and Skinner bring out calculators to use.]

MICHAEL: Since when do you have [SKINNER: Fuck me…] a calculator, Skinner?

NOBODY: I am transporting us out of here.

MAGNOLIA: What the hell are those?

PYTHON: Michael, quickly! [SKINNER: Fuck.] While he’s distracted.

[Michael grunts, there’s a thud as he headbutts Nobody, who groans in pain.]

FLASH: Michael! Get over here!

NOBODY: Ow. Fuck! Skinner!? Who are these people? What do they want with Michael? [He groans in frustration.] Oh, Skinner they are going to be so pis-

[Sudden transportation noise as Nobody leaves. Stunned silence]

FLASH: Skinner…? Skinner? Who was that? [Pause.] What th- what the fuck just happened? What the fuck are you holding?

SKINNER [Breathing ragged, whispering under their breath]: Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Look, look. The best course of action right now is for you all to pretend like this never happened, okay? Ju- just wipe it from your memories. [Under their breath.] Fuck…

ROBERT: I think we’re gonna have a problem doing that.

MICHAEL: Cat’s out of the bag, Skinner…

FLASH: You saw that, didn’t you, skeptic?

ROBERT: I did indeed see that.

SKINNER [Grim]: Robert, look at me. No you fucking didn’t. None of you saw anything.

[Sax’s phone buzzes.]

SAX: [Stuttering.] I-It’s Skuzz.

PYTHON: Hello, answer it.

SAX: Hello? You alright?

SKUZZ [Over the phone]: Guys, you’re never gonna believe this. I found The Old Man! Turns out he was in O.V.E.R. after all. You can thank me later by the way. Turns out he [FLASH: Skuzz…] accepted some contract work for them and needs to be out on location for awhile, that’s all. He says the whole cassette thing was one big tall tale. He says that he has something to attend to and then he’ll come to the gate with me and explain what’s going on, simple as.

BRITCHES: Hey there, Skuzz? Did he recognize you?

SKUZZ: No, not at first. But he got confused that I was looking for him.

SAX: Skuzz, that’s not the Old Man. You need to get out of there.

SKUZZ: What do you mean? Of course it’s him. It’s Michael. My dude! He was where we thought he would be. Hey, Michael, I’m on the phone with everybody. They were– hey, wait, woah! What’s going on? What- what is that?

MICHAEL: Skuzz, I’m here. [SKUZZ: Come on now, we’re friends.] You need to get out of there.

SKUZZ: You don’t need to point… whatever that is-

[Phone connection is interrupted. There’s garbled glitching before it disconnects.]

ROBERT: Skuzz, get out of there now!

MICHAEL: I think that it’s about time that you start talkin’, Skinner.

SKINNER: [Ragged, quiet breathing]: …Fuck…

[Crickets, birds, and other outdoor ambiance fade out as the scene transitions.]

FELIX: Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam, Ty- Ty says I have a terrible cowboy accent. But I think I’m amazing and we need a judge. Listen: [Starts speaking in a questionable southern accent, Ty makes pained sounds in the background.] Well butter me up and call me a biscuit.

TY: Ah- do you see, Sam? Do you see?

FELIX: No- no, no! [Stutters.] I-I can do better! Listen: [Resumes speaking in a questionable southern accent, Ty continues to make wincing sounds.] G- get off yer horse ‘n drink yer milk!

TY [Shuddering]: Oh… it curls my toes just to listen to it, that’s even worse than before.

[Sam quietly clears her throat.]

TY: Sam- Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Sam. [Sam clears her throat again.] Tell him, Sam. Tell him not everyone is cut out to be a cowboy.

FELIX: Oh, as if you’d know anything about that.

TY: I know… [Sam clears her throat again.] …all sorts of things. And you, my little assistant, are just jealous!

[Sam continues clearing her throat purposefully.]

FELIX: Jealous? Of Out- [Scoffs.] Little?! I’ll have you know, I am in the 70th percentile according to my old pediatrician. Now you-

[Felix pounds on his chest and clears his throat.]

FELIX [Speaking in a low, gravely southern accent]: Now… yeah. Now, you listen to me you little bottom feeder. You are beginning to cause me displeasure. You are a 5-cent head in a 10-dollar hat. As ugly as a dime’s worth of dog meat, as slow as molasses in January. I am going to pin you to the wall, gut you like a pig, [TY: Oh!] and turn you into fucking bagpipes.

TY [Proudly]: Felix! That was magnificent! You’ve been practicing!

SAMANTHA: Darlings…

TY: I mean the accent was abysmal but you really have been working on the content.

FELIX: I really have.

SAMANTHA: Darlings… [Clears her throat.] Darlings it’s always a treat to discover the new ways in which you manage to waste time around here… but some of us actually do have to do some work to keep the lights on. So please do piss off. Go on! Off you trot.

TY: Yes… Sam.

FELIX: Yes, Sam.

TY: Sorry, Sam.

FELIX: Sorry, Sam.

TY: Of course, Sam—sorry— ma’am.

FELIX: Bye, Sam.

SAMANTHA [Sighing]: Boys. One last thing. Please don’t call me “Sam” ever again. You are well aware of my preferences. I’m not like “little” Felix here blithely going about my day pretending it doesn’t bother him whenever Ty calls him “Fe”.

FELIX: Actually we- we talked about it, and it was a whole-

SAMANTHA: Do be quiet, Fe.

FELIX: I’m sorry… Samantha.

SAMANTHA: That’s better. Boys… I-I’m sorry to be grumpy, I really am. We’re just terribly busy here. The other Samanthas are doing their best, but with recent developments in South America I could do with some more Spanish speakers. And I’m always short of Samanthas who truly understand American. And we’d have caught the Hollyhead guff far sooner if we had a Welsh speaker. Things really are getting quite out of control. Still, we struggle on.

TY: That’s the spirit! Well, of course there is that little Welsh colony in Patagonia, so if there’s, uh, somewhere in South America [In a higher pitch.] we- we- we can- we can do both! Can’t we? But if you do ever need anything, uh, another Samantha, American understanding or- or whatever, or- or two to lighten the load, please just do let Felix know. Fe, please do whatever Samantha needs. As my representative here on Earth, please do help her out however you can. There’s a good chap.

FELIX: Of course! Whatever you both need.

SAMANTHA: Perfect! Thank you both. In some ways you stumbling in here with your idiot distractions has worked out rather well. Felix, I shall be in touch. I think you’re going to like what I have in mind. It’s right up your alley.

[Closing theme plays.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE.

The voice of Python was Jamie Petronis, check out his podcast The Cellar Letters.

The voice of Magnolia was Pine Gonzalez, check out their show Tales From The Fringes of Reality.

The voice of Flash was Jesse Syratt, check out her podcast Nowhere on Air.

The voice of Skuzz was Rat Grimes, check out their podcast The Department of Variance, which can be found at somewhereohio.com.

The voice of Robert was Alex Telander, check out his podcast Ostium and Circe or go to ostiumnetwork.com for more.

The voice of Skinner was JustJenah, check out their podcast 400 Words A Horror and Working Tidal with a “D”.

The voice of Sax was Shaun Pellington, check out his podcast Wake of Corrosion.

And the voice of Britches was Cody Heath, check out their band Elsewhere! and their new single Keeper.

The Samantha Chronicles are produced by and star Ben Rowe as Felix, David Ault as Ty Betteridge, and introducing Fey Roberts as Samantha. Thanks for playing.

[Closing theme plays out.]