161: Puzzle/Solution

SUMMARY

The other pieces around them will hold them in place.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Jenah and Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 161.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Quick pluglies– [Struggles to speak.] Cut.

Hey, guys. Quick pluglies with your quick plugs. I am still streaming on Twitch every Sunday over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every week I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. Last week, we played the Logical Journey of the Zoombinis, a game that I hadn’t played in about a year. And so it was a lot of fun showing off that game in all of its weirdness to people who weren’t here this time last year. So if you’d like to come hang out and solve logic puzzles with me, that’s twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. This week, I would like to shout out the instrumentals. For the past two years or so, I’ve been streaming myself writing the instrumentals on stream, and then posting them for all patrons as one big soundtrack file. There is often music that has longer versions or didn’t even make it into the show. There’s a lot of music that sounds like they’re boarding an airship that I don’t really know what to do with, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. So if you’d like to hear that, that is at woebegone.woebegone.– Cut.

That is at patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains depictions of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Feed shed door opens, then closes.]

[Time travel noise.]

NOBODY: [Grunts. Chain starts to clink as he moves.] Tex. I am going to fucking kill you. This is not how you treat a prisoner. [Pause.] Oh, it’s you. Uh… What are we doing? …Did you set the house on fire?

BEAR: It’s nothing that you need to concern yourself with.

[We hear something being uncapped.]

NOBODY: Wait a minute. [We hear liquid start being sloshed around.] What are you doing? We killed MDawg? What is going on?

BEAR: I am creating an alibi to buy some time.

NOBODY: So… What, you’re going to set me on fire? Nobody, they have access to time travel. They’re going to come back here before the fire, and figure out that it’s you.

BEAR: I am not Nobody. You’re Nobody now. And I have a plan for that, too.

NOBODY: I don’t know what happens between when I come from and now, but you are going to be the prime suspect no matter what you do. They are going to find me, [We hear the sloshing of liquid stop.] and they are going to ask themselves, “Why would Nobody do that to himself? Did he think that it would throw us off the scent?” And they’ll come after you just as fast as they were going to already. There is no point to setting me on fire. So unchain me, and I can actually help you. There might be a way to actually do something about this if we get a few iterations together and work fast.

BEAR: That’s funny. That desperation. The instinct to do whatever it takes to live, no matter how much that desperation warps the life itself. You aren’t far separated from me. It’s disappointing to see that desperation still blooms in you. You’ll say anything to make it stop, even though you know what I’m thinking, and you have to know there’s no use. I will need to work harder on that part of myself. Perhaps killing you will help me to excise it.

NOBODY: No, you are the disappointing one. Still acting like a supervillain even though it’s just the two of us here? You’re exactly as pathetic as you think that you are.

BEAR: Look at you waiver. As soon as you stopped being part of me, you became part of them, and I do not have a high opinion of their opinion of me. If you want to spend the rest of your time calling me names, you are free to do so.

NOBODY: [Huffs.] I don’t know how they broke you since the time that I’m from, but they have clearly destroyed your brain. This is never going to work! This plan is below me. It’s so simple even those yokels are going to figure you out. [Growls.] So I’m a dead man walking, whether or not I’m part of you.

BEAR: I am not concerned, though I agree. You are a dead man walking. [Opens door.] Goodbye, Nobody.

NOBODY: You’re Nobody.

[Bear closes the feed shed door. He whistles “Ol’ Brush Valley” while striking a match. A fire starts and grows.]

NOBODY [muffled]: Wait, uh– come back, we can work something out! …We can work something out!

[The sounds of the fire fade out.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear Mike searching through the puzzle box.]

MIKE: What? That doesn’t make any sense. Uh, hey, MW? I just found another edge piece, but we already finished the edge.

MW: Yeah, we did already finish the edge. The puzzle’s got false edges hidden inside it. It’s supposed to throw ya off. So just chuck ’em all in that pile, and we can look through ’em and see which other pieces go with one with a flat edge. Just like this ‘un, see?

MIKE: Man, this puzzle was hard enough already without fake outs.

MW: It’s exactly as difficult as it’s supposed to be. Would you rather us put together a puzzle in an hour, and then be stuck doin’ nothin’ for… however many days we’ve been in here?

MIKE: We should still be on day three, if I’m keeping track correctly, but I could turn on my phone and check.

MW: Naw, we’d better save battery. I did think it was four, though.

MIKE: [Sighs.] I’m pretty sure it’s three. …Poor Bruno. I wish he wasn’t in here, but I’m also glad that he wasn’t out there with Mikey and Stinky. But– He’s just sleeping all the time; he’s gotta be so bored.

MW: Bruno’s a good pup. Patient. He don’t sleep that much when we’re dogsittin’ ‘im because we’re takin’ him out during the day to go run all that energy off. And then he comes back here to Boris’ to sleep. We just ain’t used to seein’ ‘im 24/7.

MIKE: I guess you’re right. I’m just worried about a week from now if we’re still stuck in here with him. [Pause.] Oh, I get it now. So these two pieces go together along the flat edge… But, then won’t the puzzle fall apart? Because they’re not snapped into each other, or anything.

MW: The other pieces around ’em hold ’em in place.

MIKE: That’s so weird; this whole puzzle is so weird. It’s like they used a different type of jigsaw or something to make it. 

MW: It’s nonstandard. The pieces are super tiny, and there are 5,000 of ’em. It was definitely produced for a niche audience. One that apparently includes Boris, go figure.

MIKE: Well, Boris has more money than sense. He’s got all kinds of stuff I’ve never seen him use. Like that upright bass in the corner of the living room? Have you ever seen him play that?

MW: Michael tried to get him to play it for a bluegrass band he wanted to start, and that went about as well as you’d expect. [Boris impression.] “You are saying that is instrument? I did not know. That is decoration.” [Drops impression.] And Michael don’t know how to play it, so he couldn’t exactly teach him.

MIKE: And I take it Michael was going to play guitar? Has he played more than a C and a G in the last decade?

MW: That’s about all ya need for bluegrass.

MIKE: You also need callouses that he doesn’t have anymore. [Pause.] Uh… Do you see a piece that goes with this one?

MW: Nope. But, uh… there is gonna be one blank spot in the puzzle. I mighta seen Bruno eat one of the pieces…

MIKE: You saw him eat one of the puzzle pieces, and you didn’t stop him!?

MW: It was too late by the time I noticed.

MIKE: And you didn’t tell me about it!?

MW: Well, I ain’t no snitch.

MIKE: Well, we’ve gotta induce vomiting, or something! Boris is gonna kill us.

MW: Mike, it’s cardboard. Bruno eats worse than that on a daily basis. I’ve watched that mutt eat his own poop. Hell, we eat worse than that. And I don’t see any explanation for what’s goin’ on where Boris is alive to kick our asses about it.

MIKE: There’s a lot that we don’t know about this situation. Boris could be out of town. He goes out of town all the time.

MW: Boris don’t leave Bruno in the apartment if he’s gonna be gone for an afternoon, Mike. Be realistic.

MIKE: Ugh. So, whatever. Boris is dead, and we’re putting together a 4,999-piece puzzle.

MW: Assumin’ that’s the only piece Bruno ate, then yeah.

MIKE: [Sighs.] And this isn’t even the worst birthday I’ve had in recent memory.

MW: Uh, excuse me, Mike? Your birthday?

MIKE: Uh, yeah, June 11th? My birthday?

MW: See now, I think it’s the 12th. But, uh, since when is your birthday on the 11th?

MIKE: I don’t know. I picked it when I started switching timelines all the time. June just felt right. The start of summer, sunshine, vacation, like good, warm, nostalgic feelings. Cause it was so cold in Latvia.

MW: Well, you got the vacation part of it this year. …So, uh, doin’ the math here… Are you sayin’ you’re… 40?

MIKE: No, I am not saying that I’m 40, and you need to stop doing math.

MW: Hey, man. Enjoy it. 40 is a good, round number to go out on.

MIKE: I’m not 40, and we’re not dying.

MW: Mike, did you forget that we are sittin’ ducks in here? Whoever killed Mikey and Stinky are gonna come back for us. I don’t know what they’re waitin’ for, but they didn’t forget about us. I’m certain o’ that. We’re stuck in this sardine can with no way to defend ourselves.

MIKE: Okay, one problem with that interpretation: whoever killed Mikey and Stinky could have killed us three days ago. They had to have heard us in here. If they wanted to kill us, there was nothing stopping them. Plus, we don’t even know for sure that Mikey and Stinky are dead.

MW: Of course we do. We heard gunshots. We heard Stinky pleadin’ for his life, and then he went quiet. They are dead.

MIKE: MW, I’ve been around long enough that I’ll believe someone’s dead when I see their corpse. And if we do find their corpses, then my Calculator will have something to say about it.

MW: Assumin’ that our Calculators can do any good. I keep hearin’ more and more about, quote, “correction-proofin’.”

MIKE: Don’t be a pessimist on my birthday, MW.

MW: I told ya, I’m bein’ realistic.

MIKE: Well, don’t be realistic on my birthday, either. I know that’s not what Michael taught you. What if he heard you being realistic?

MW: Realistically, I don’t know about Michael no more. Cause I reckon he’s the one that killed Stinky and Mikey, and he’s savin’ us for a midnight snack. It’s just a hunch I got.

MIKE: I do not approve of this hunch.

MW: I weren’t askin’ ya to. Think about it, Mike. No one’s come to our rescue, and it’s been three or four days. Now, why would that be? Why wouldn’t Michael or Base show up with a Calculator and issue a correction by now? Our absence should’ve been noticed. I’m supposed to be in the Compound. Ty Betteridge would notice that I was missin’ even if the rest o’ the Base keeps forgettin’ about me. But if Michael’s pullin’ the strings, he could come up with some sort of alibi for where we’re suppised to be, and keep everyone off the scent until it was too late to correct anything.

MIKE: W-What is this, cabin fever? You’ve been journaling too much and connecting dots that aren’t there? Michael would never kill the two of us. Now, would he kill Stinky? Yes. Would he kill Mikey? Uh… Slightly more complicated question. I-I think yes. But we, me and you, are the Latvia Mikes. He would never kill us. He would rather die.

MW: Michael wouldn’t kill us. Lieutenant would.

MIKE: What does Lieutenant have to do with anything?

MW: The dang slam consolidation, for starters.

MIKE: No– Come on. If you had any experience with slam consolidations, you would know that’s not how that works.

MW: I do have experience. Y’all slam consolidated 32 Mikeys to make me! Don’t be patronizing.

MIKE: That was not a slam consolidation. The slam consolidation technology wasn’t around when we did that. It technically isn’t around in this present. We used it as a last resort to set some things straight. Once it gets out and everyone starts doing it, that’s gonna be a whole can of worms, but we’re not there yet. And Michael isn’t Lieutenant. That is the whole reason for the slam consolidation. Lieutenant got consolidated with Michael 64 times, and that means that less than two percent of his memories are about being Lieutenant.

MW: Two percent sounds like more than enough for Michael to convince himself of some harebrained idea.

MIKE: Michael isn’t the one doing this.

MW: Course you would feel guilty it was, cause you were the one that brought Michael back into this timeline.

MIKE: Well, I don’t have anything to feel guilty about. And I will not entertain such accusations on my birthday.

MW: I’m pretty sure it’s the 12th.

MIKE: On my belated birthday, then. And so, for my birthday present, you can simmer down, MW. I think that the confinement is starting to unravel you.

MW: Well, can ya blame me, partner?

MIKE: No, I can’t, because I’ve already had my meltdown, so you get to have yours. But we’re going to make it through this. Whatever happens happens, and there isn’t anything that we can do right now. So we’ll wait it out together. It’s going to be fine. We’ve been through worse than this; I’ve had worse birthdays than this. We can handle it.

MW: How is it possible to have a birthday worse than this?

MIKE: Because anything’s possible with Mike Walters, especially if “anything” means something terrible. So, if you want the whole story, here it goes. My worst birthday ever was a couple of years ago at this point, back when it was me and Michael living in the Latvia apartment. Strange to think that that was a couple of years ago. This all happened before Mikey and Base started showing up all the time. Me and Michael had helped him kill CANNONBALL, but he hadn’t kicked off Base and got everything started with that yet. We were getting settled in here and awaiting further instructions from my Base. The apartment was a mess when we first got here, even more of a mess than the one that you’re familiar with. We did a ton of work and sucked up to Boris 24/7 to make the place halfway livable. And so, not long after we got settled in, it was my birthday.

[Flashback harp music.]

[A door opens. Mike is asleep. Michael starts playing a recording of “Good Luck, Everyone.”]

MIKE [groggily]: …What? Ugh… Turn that off. 

MICHAEL: Time to rise and shine, pilgrim. Don’t tell me you forgot it’s your dang birthday.

MIKE: Michael, I’m hungover, lemme go back to bed. 

MICHAEL: You can sleep when you’re dead, pard. And I’m gonna kill ya if you don’t come into the livin’ room and see what I got for ya. Got it?

MIKE: [Huffs.] Fine, just turn the music off, please.

MICHAEL: Alright, but your ass better be awake.

[Music fades out.]

MIKE: We agreed that you’d wear a shirt inside the house…

MICHAEL: Agreements are only good if they can be enforced, and I dare ya to try and enforce it, pard.

MIKE: [Sighs.] Michael, I don’t know if we can do this if you’re gonna be like this all the time. We have a mission today; we’re supposed to break 24, we don’t have time for this.

MICHAEL: I called Edgar about that mission, and he said that he forgot it was your birthday and that we could push it to this weekend.

MIKE: You called… who, you called your Edgar?

MICHAEL: No, doofus. I called your Edgar. Got his number off your phone.

MIKE: My phone– [Searches for phone.] Where’s– Where’s my– You took my phone?

MICHAEL: You got all sorts o’ stuff on there, dontcha? Those were some nice cowboy boots you were wearin’.

MIKE: That was for a themed halloween party. Everyone was a cowboy.

MICHAEL: Right. I’m sure you spent 200 bucks on boots for a halloween costume. Just get out in the got dang livin’ room already!

MIKE: Alright, fine. I just wanted to get a shirt on first, unlike some people. Okay, what– [Pause.] What am I– What am I looking at? …A– A tree stump? …Michael? Uh– …Where’d you go?

[We hear a chainsaw rev up.]

MICHAEL: Ya bet your ass [MIKE: Jesus!] it’s a tree stump, pard! Boris knew a guy. Got me a good deal on these bad boys and a chainsaw. We’re makin’ wood carvings!

MIKE: This, uh, does not seem safe, Michael. I don’t know about this.

MICHAEL: Nonsense, pard. I saw you eyein’ that carved bear at the farmer’s market last week. Now we can make it for ourselves. How cool is that?

MIKE: We don’t even have a– a balcony or anywhere to put something like that, Michael.

MICHAEL: Boris said we could put it in the courtyard. Let the birds perch on it. It’ll be awesome. What do ya say, pard? I pulled a lot o’ strings to get this.

MIKE: I… I-I don’t know, man.

MICHAEL: I seen you wallowin’ around ever since we got here. I’m startin’ to get a little worried about ya, pard. Thought this could help break up the monotony o’ the time travellin’ and the murder. Ya sayin’ you don’t like it?

MIKE: I’m not– It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just… It’s a lot to process, and it’s very loud, and I’m very hungover, and… all of everything has been too much since I got here, and not just the chainsaw stuff, and I don’t really wanna talk to you about it.

MICHAEL: You don’t gotta talk to me. Take that chainsaw, and chainsaw your feelings out, pilgrim.

MIKE: Okay, but if I don’t like it, then we’re done here, okay?

MICHAEL: Fine with me, pard. Here. She’s all yours.

MIKE: [Exhales.] Alright. …Let’s do this.

[We hear the chainsaw carve into wood.]

MIKE: Woo! [Laughs.] Yeah! Okay!

[The chainsaw continues to carve. Mike winces.]

MICHAEL: Stop. Stop it! [MIKE: Oh. Oh, ow, mm.] Stop the chainsaw. Mike! Stop the chainsaw.

MIKE: Woo! I-I think I nicked my arm there.

MICHAEL: You sure did, pard. Now look at me. Do not look down at your arm, ya hear?

MIKE: Oh… Is it–?

MICHAEL: Don’t look down at it. I’m gonna get your phone, and call your Edgar. You understand me?

MIKE: It– It feels… w-wet… Did I…?

MICHAEL: Unless this is your way of startin’ WOE.BEGONE again, then we need to get you corrected. Stay here. Do not look down at your arm.

MIKE [woozy]: I-I feel… tired.

MICHAEL: Hey. [Snaps fingers.] Hey! Keep alert, buddy. I’m gonna call your Edgar, and we’re gonna get this all nice and corrected. We’ll go on a walk or somethin’ for your birthday. We’ll get some burgers. Just sit tight, and don’t look down.

MIKE [weakly]: [Exhales.] Okay, okay, okay… [Groans.] Ugh, spinning… Mm… [Grunts.] Oh… oh… No, my arm… Michael, my arm… Why– Where… Is he talking to Edgar? [Groans.] Can’t… Edgar… Edgar… [Coughs and breaths audibly.] …A-Am I… Am I dying? E-Edgar. Edgar… Edgar…

MICHAEL [distant, overlapping Mike]: Hey, uh… Edgar? H-Hey– Hey, pard, it’s– it’s me again, it’s Michael. [Pause.] Yup, uh, I-I’m– I’m still a cowboy; I’m doin’ that all the time now. Hey, uh, listen. We, uh, we got us a little bit of an issue we need corrected. [Pause.] Y-Yeah, i– I’m… not surprised he’s dead in your time period, just let me explain. [Pause.] N-No, it’s– it’s not my fault. [Huffs.] Can you… reset us to this mornin’? [Pause.] No, I didn’t do nothin’! Mike was the one holdin’ the dang chainsaw. [Pause.] Yup, just… just please get us some help. I don’t want him dyin’ here in my livin’ room. The landlord’s gonna freak if he sees the blood. [Pause.] …Was just a joke. …Edgar? Hello? …Musta hung up.

MIKE: M-Michae– Michael, my arm.

MICHAEL: I told ya not to look down at your dang arm, pard. We’re about to get corrected. Things’ll be all like it didn’t happen here just in a second, I promise.

MIKE: Can we get the bear from the farmers market… for my birthday.

MICHAEL: W-Wha–…? Y-Yeah, bud. Anything. Just stay with me. Hey! [Snaps fingers. Mike barely reacts.] Stay with me, dammit!

MIKE: The bear…

[Time travel noise.]

[Flashback harp music.]

[We hear puzzle pieces being shifted again.]

MW: Wait, so is that where the bear statue came from?

MIKE: Sure did. After Edgar corrected everything for us, we went down to the farmers market, and bought it. I don’t know where Michael got the money for it, we were flat broke at the time.

MW: Well, I bet he’s glad y’all did, cause the crows love that thing.

MIKE: I’m fairly certain that that statue is how Michael ended up meeting the crows in the first place. He’d go hang out by the bear statue, and smoke his pipe, and feed them some seeds. Little did I know that he was out there forming an army. Hey, do you have a piece that’s squiggly like this over on your side?

MW: Yeah, I-I got ’em sorted, uh… Right here.

MIKE: Let’s see, um… [Brief laugh.] Yup, it’s a match! Uh, wow, I– We might finish this today, MW. I thought it was gonna take weeks.

MW: Yup. Once you get everything sorted by shape, it all just falls into place. …So, uh, Mike. Did you die before that correction happened?

MIKE: Uh, it’s hard to say… I think so? If not, it was close. Everything definitely went black. Which made it a worse birthday than this one, because today, no one has chopped off any of my body parts, and I am still alive. You’ve gotta be grateful for the little things, you know?

MW: Well, day ain’t over, pard. There’s still plenty o’ time for either of those to happen.

MIKE: [Shushes MW.] No foreshadowing, MW. We have a way with self-fulfilling prophecies, I’m sure you’ve noticed.

MW: If that’s what ya wanna call it.

MIKE: So, uh, what about your birthday, MW? I know that we assigned you one when you moved into the apartment.

MW: Yup. That was the worst birthday o’ my life. That test y’all put me through, all that rigamarole, [Flashback music starts.] and I’d rather not flashback to that, [Music distorts and abruptly trails off.] thank ya very much.

MIKE: Oh yeah,, I remember it vividly. [Chortles.] 

We sure have come a long way, huh. It’s weird to think that Michael didn’t trust you back then. You. Emdubya.

MW: I was sure that I was about to have to kill someone, and then Michael was gonna kill me.

MIKE: Yeah, but it all worked out, it was a surprise party!

MW: Both those things ended up happenin’ eventually. Just not at the “birthday party.”

MIKE: Well, MW, on a long enough timeline, all of us kill and are killed. And so that was your first birthday as MW, and that was in…

MW: November.

MIKE: So you’ve had another birthday as MW since then.

MW: Yup, we had, uh, just escaped the Dome, and we were livin’ with Tex.

MIKE: Wait! The Dome was only a year after we consolidated you?

MW: Yup, give or take a couple weeks. You were down there with us, too. You had just solved that Michael ARG, or whatever.

MIKE: Right! But, then… I wasn’t there for your birthday?

MW: That was the day that you and Mikey were off in a storage facility killin’ MDawg. Least that’s how I remember it.

MIKE: Good times, right? W– I’m sorry I missed your birthday. You should’ve said something, we would’ve done something special.

MW: I’m sorta wary o’ special Mike Walters birthday parties… But, uh, I accidentally let it slip to Tex that it was my birthday, so me and him hung out, and it was… Well, Tex is a pretty interestin’ guy…

[Flashback harp music.]

[Outdoor ambience.]

TEX: Alright, I think we should be good to go. So, uh, don’t stand directly in front of us. Stand just off to the side as close as you can safely get.

MW: I’m not sure about this, Tex, this looks dangerous.

TEX: That’s why it’s so cool. It looks dangerous. But you’ll be fine. Bluster’s a great shot. Ain’t ya, Bluster?

[Bluster snorts.]

TEX: That’s horse for “yes.”

MW: Can you see what you’re aimin’ at from behind him like that?

TEX: Oh, yeah, I can see just fine. But it don’t matter. Bluster’s doin’ most of the work; I’m just spottin’ ‘im. But make sure that you can’t see me in the camera, okay? Just see Bluster.

MW: You’re tryin’ to trick the Internet into thinkin’ a horse can shoot a shotgun.

TEX: Ain’t no trick, pard. Bluster can shoot a shotgun. He just needs a little help is all.

MW: Whatever you say, boss. I’m ready with the camera.

TEX: Alright. You ready, Bluster? We’re gonna count down from three, then you’re gonna give your best Wild West whinny. And then we’re gonna blow the shit out of them cans. How does that sound?

[Bluster snorts.]

TEX: Alright. Three… two…. one…. Action.

[We hear Bluster whinny as the shotgun is fired several times.]

TEX: And… cut. You get all that, Emdubya?

MW: Uh. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I got ‘im… shootin’ the gun.

TEX: Uh-huh, uh… Looks good to me, so I just… put this here, and, uh… Yup, check this out, pilg.

[Tex starts a video with the instrumental version of “Do You” playing in the background. We hear a replay of the shotgun being fired.]

TEXT-TO-SPEECH VOICE: Y’all varmints better watch your backs for Bluster the Gigantic Horse. The faster gunslinger in the whole dang Wild West.

TEX: Whatcha think about that, pard?

MW: If you’re askin’ me to be honest with ya, Tex, [Sounds of the video fade out.] I don’t think no one’s gonna be fooled that that horse is shootin’ that shotgun.

TEX: I keep tellin’ ya, pard. Bluster is shootin’ the shotgun. Me and seven million of his fans agree. I’m just helpin’ out.

MW: If his fans know that you’re helpin’ him out, then why did you hide behind him when I went to shoot the video?

TEX: Just makes a better video is all.

MW: Just seems… dishonest to me.

TEX: Hey, it makes them folks happy. And it makes me a buttload o’ money. And I been takin’ this money, and usin’ it to build an array to help protect the house from time travel attack. Needs a lot o’ special materials, and Outlaw Ty needs a lot of money to purchase those materials. It’s gonna keep us safe. Plus, there’s enough left over for me to get you a birthday present.

MW: Tex, you’ve known it’s my birthday for all of 45 minutes; you didn’t get me a present.

TEX: I mighta only known for 45 minutes, but that information’s already propagated, Emdubya.

[Time travel noise.]

TEX: And there ya go. Whaddaya think, pard?

MW: …Well, it’s a… it’s a real nice belt buckle, I’ll give ya that.

TEX: Made o’ German silver. I got one just like it. Cost a pretty penny.

MW: I don’t know if that’s a responsible use o’ time travel.

TEX: Emdubya, here in Texas, we got a sayin’. It’s called, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Specially if that horse is gigantic.” So quit your worryin’, and enjoy your dang birthday, pilg.

MW: I mean, I’m not gonna turn it down; it is a nice belt buckle… Thank ya, Tex.

TEX: Anytime, pilg. Now, let’s head back to the house. The others should be finished with their missions any minute now.

[Flashback harp music.]

MIKE: And that explains the fancy belt buckle. I was wondering when you got that. You don’t seem like the type to get it for yourself. But, why didn’t you tell us it was your birthday?

MW: First off, you should remember. That birthday was your idea. But also, I was afraid of the propagation risks after Tex sent the belt buckle backward in time. There were a lot o’ eyes on us, MDawg was about to show up, you guys were about to come back, and then OI attacked the array. And I just wonder if Tex propagatin’ my birthday contributed to that, like a butterfly effect.

MIKE: Oh, no, don’t say butterfly effect! You can’t think about butterfly effects. Cause if you start putting stock in that, you’re gonna end up taking responsibility for the heat death of the universe.

MW: I just wanna be careful is all.

MIKE: That is the curse of the middle iteration. We have to be the sensible one. Because Mikey’s gonna get scared, and Michael’s gonna lose his temper. And that just leaves us.

MW: I keep tellin’ ya, I ain’t a middle iteration. I’m a buncha Mikeys in a trenchcoat.

MIKE: I mean, what is “getting older” other than being a bunch of younger versions of yourself stuffed in a trenchcoat? Hey, do you have this triangle piece? We’re almost done here.

MW: Nah, I don’t see it. I guess we’re missin’ two pieces…

MIKE: [Sighs.] Do you think Bruno ate it?

MW: It’s a solid hypothesis.

MIKE: Goddamnit, they’ve got, like, a shiny coat on them, and there’s ink and stuff. Ugh, I hope it doesn’t upset his stomach.

MW: Mike, Bruno will sit in the courtyard, and eat grass. Not cause he’s hungry. He’ll just get bored, and eat grass. And you can yell at ‘im, and he’ll stop for exactly as long as you’re yellin’, and then he’ll go back to eatin’ grass. So two puzzle pieces ain’t gonna hurt ‘im.

MIKE: [Sighs.] I hope not… But, uh– Hey, we completed the puzzle! So happy birthday to me! I’ve never done a puzzle even half this big. Or, honestly, I’ve never done a puzzle… except for when the power’s out.

MW: Congratulations, Mike, we did it. Happy birthday.

MIKE [squinting]: Hey, MW, so… the cut is weird… Does it look… like it says something to you?

MW: Uh, “left… wall… x 7 y… 12”?

MIKE: Yeah, that’s what I see, too. What is that?

MW: Well, left wall from when we came in is that ‘un. So, uh… the wall tiles? Coordinates?

MIKE: I guess there’s only one way to find out. [Huffs.] Boris and Michael with their stupid puzzles with their stupid solutions, I swear to god.

MW: Alright, 7 across and 12 down, and wouldn’t you know it…

[We hear a click.]

MIKE: …It opens up a hatch with some bullshit inside of it.

MW: I’m hopin’ it’s an emergency exit switch.

MIKE: There’s gotta be something to that effect, because there’s gotta be a way out of the safe room other than from the outside.

MW: Should I flip the switch, or are we worried that our killer’s still out there?

MIKE: If the killer is out there, then he’s been quiet as a church mouse for three days. And we’ve gotta get out of here sometime. And the longer we stay in here, the more killable we’ll be. So I say yeah, do it.

MW: Alright, I am flippin’ the switch right… now.

[MW flips the switch, and the door opens.]

MIKE: Holy crap, it actually worked! We’re free, MW!

[Nighttime outdoor ambience.]

MW: Uh, that’s the same side we came in on, right? From Boris’ apartment?

MIKE: Uh… yes… it was.

MW: So where the hell are we now?

[Nighttime outdoor ambience fades out.]

[Closing theme plays.]

[Good Luck, Everyone plays.]

Clear the way for me to speak
I will start once every head has turned
I was made for give and take
now the taking has returned

I don’t think I prepared you properly
good luck, everyone!

Take the debt on your shoulders
no relief, there is something
wrong, the flesh that adheres you to the ideal
a subtle changing of hands

mothwings in a storm
I’ve interminably worn you down
the last remaining animal
torches to reform
the ice that has grown to seal the door
I haven’t tried in years to get it open

a bad confession
the lesson wasn’t learned
and now I only burned
my hands

Curl your lips at the corners
I admit there is nothing
more to it than the stuttering
slow reluctance, the silent clapping of hands

wrap your fist around the concept
it won’t fit, you are better off
hedging bets, get the comfort
squeeze the happiness out, of your chest
there’s hope somewhere in there I bet

I’m not one to place a demon
when it could’ve found a better home

AFTER-CREDITS (ANN FROM “KEVIN CLAPS FOR ANN“): June 11th!

[END Episode 161.]