160: Skeptic/Believer

SUMMARY

I met a lot of critters in my time and a bunch of ‘em were smarter than me.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Nugget and Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 160.]

INTRO: Hey, guys, quick plugs. Welcome to Episode 160. I can’t believe we’re already one third of the way through the season, but the years start comin’, and they don’t stop comin’. And if you want to come watch me write the episode soundtrack, you can do that on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every week I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. And there’s a channel point reward where you can give my dog a treat, so you don’t wanna miss that. That’s twitch.tv/woebegonepod.

And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to episodes, instrumentals, soundtracks, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. $15-and-up patrons get postcards, and the May and June designs are some of my favorites that I’ve made so far. Each postcard comes with a handwritten message from one of the characters, and all of the postcards combined tell a larger story about the Base. So if you like to get in on that, that is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains a drug reference. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear a crowd of angry people yelling.]

MICHAEL [distant]: It ain’t me! Ya got the wrong dang guy! Go on. Git!

[We hear Michael throw shovels into the back of Chance’s truck.]

CHANCE: You better hurry up, Michael! We need to get the hell outta here. C’mon. C’mon, c’mon! It’s your neck on the line.

[Michael hops in the truck, and slams the door shut.]

MICHAEL: Alright. Punch it, Chance!

[Chance starts driving. The sound of the crowd fades away.]

MICHAEL: Heh. Look at ’em, runnin’ after us. I ain’t never told no one to punch it before, I don’t think. Not in a truck, at least. I’m sure I told Marissa to punch it in that dang patrol cart.

CHANCE: I told you, I don’t know who that is.

MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, you don’t know no one, I get it. Just drive.

CHANCE: How are you so calm? I thought that we were gonna get us killed!

MICHAEL: Nope, that’s nothin’. I been killed lots of times before. Gettin’ killed ain’t that bad, usually. It’s pretty quick if you’re as mad as them fellas are at us. Well, it’s– it’s more complicated than that. Anger correlates with quickness up to a point, but then if someone’s real pissed, then the opposite happens sometimes…

CHANCE: Whatever. You’re no different than Tex, always tryin’ to sell me on a tall tale.

MICHAEL: Ain’t nothin’ tall ’bout my tales, pard. My blood’s still pumpin’, though. Hoo-wee! I never woulda guessed people’d still be hoppin’ mad this far north of Bluster’s Grove. It was cool to see my handsome mug on that wanted poster, though! Well, ya know, not my face, but close enough. Last time I was on a wanted poster, I really did kill the fella, so that was a little bit different.

CHANCE: You’re saying you’ve killed people before?

MICHAEL: I killed more folks than you ever met, Chance. More than I can count. So you better stay on my good side, and focus on the road, pilgrim. [Laughs.] Ah, nah, I’m pullin’ your chain, pard. You’re, uh– You’re gonna take a bleft up here onto the on-ramp onto the highway.

CHANCE: I was gonna get on the highway no matter what. We need to get the hell out of this town A.S.A.P. And you are not goin’ inside if we need to make another stop. If I hadn’t gotten in-between you and that guy, I think he was gonna try and make a citizen’s arrest.

MICHAEL: Citizen’s arrest, shimitzmen’s sh– shmamest. I-I– I woulda just shot him, Chance.

CHANCE: You understand that would make things worse, right?

MICHAEL: I don’t see how. Ya can’t shimitzmen’s shmamest me if he’s dead. We got the shovels. That’s the important part. Yep. That’s all we need for where we goin’. Just two guys with two shovels.

CHANCE: I feel as though it would be customary, as the driver of the getaway car, to know where exactly it is we are get awaying to. What are these dang shovels for?

MICHAEL: They’re for diggin’.

CHANCE: Diggin’ what?

MICHAEL: Dirt. [Beat.] Look, it ain’t that I don’t trust ya. It’s just that we’re diggin’ up secrets, and I don’t trust this whole dang universe. Where I’m from, we got this concept called propagation. Once information starts to spread, it’ll spread out in all directions, and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. Always comes back to bite ya in the ass.

CHANCE: I’m not gonna tell anyone! Who would I even tell? “Hey, Paul! You’re not gonna believe this. We bought shovels!” No one would understand or care.

MICHAEL: It ain’t about tellin’ folks. It’s about… space-time continuum stuff.

CHANCE [eyeroll]: Oh. I understand now. This is some woo-woo spiritual MDawg nonsense, ain’t it. This is why I never talked to MDawg when he was at the Outpost. He’d always have some new hippie thing he was into that week: chakras, auras, spirit realms, soulblood chickens. I think he was high as a kite most of the times I met him… Always some new superstition.

MICHAEL: [Sighs.] You’re gonna need to open up your mind on this trip, Chance. Not to that MDawg stuff. ‘Cept maybe soulblood chickens. But you’re gonna to see things that will forever change your perception of reality.

CHANCE: Ah, so it’s going to be more like the Tex stuff? Because I don’t believe in any of that, either. He’s got his own grift. He’s the Southern-fried version of MDawg. I don’t think he believed in what he was selling, though. Hell, he got himself in this mess. He’s the reason you have so much heat on you right now. Him and that horse. I don’t have anything against Bluster, but he’s just a horse. Tex is the one that made that stupid horse a celebrity. He pulled all sorts of stunts to make him seem anthropomorphic, but it’s all just snake oil.

MICHAEL: Now, that ain’t a very charitable way of assessin’ the situation, pard. I don’t think anyone thinks Bluster’s magic or nothin’, just a real good horse.

CHANCE: It’s stupid party tricks all the way down. Tex would be hangin’ out at the Outpost, and then he’d say something like, [Tex impression.] “Sorry, folks. I gotta head home. Bluster just finished makin’ dinner!” or “I went to the shootin’ range with Bluster today, and he shot the tightest groupin’ I ever seen!” or “Bluster’s about to beat the final boss of Elden Ring, I gotta go home and see this.” [Stops impression.] It was a new trick as soon as the last one got old. Funny enough, I never saw Bluster do any of that stuff in person. I don’t know anyone else that did either. It was obviously Tex and his weird British friend doin’ it for Bluster, and makin’ it look like Bluster did it.

MICHAEL: That ain’t fair, pilgrim. I seen some of his videos. They played ’em on the news. It didn’t look like an act to me. Though… come to think of it. One of them coulda been holdin’ the controller, and it just looked like he was beatin’ Elden Ring.

CHANCE: You fell for a camera trick, Michael! I’m not a horse expert, but horses don’t have hands. I’ve met Bluster. He doesn’t have hands, either. He can’t load and shoot a gun or any of the other things he has been purported to do.

MICHAEL: If ya look at a x-ray of a horse’s hoof. You can see that there’s, like, a hand thing madoogie in there with, like, a flat madoogie on top that’s a hoof. Look, I hate to sound like MDawg here, but you gotta open up your mind, pard. You’re gonna be seein’ things much more strange than a super capable horse on this trip. I met a lot of critters in my time, and I’d say a bunch of ’em were smarter than me.

CHANCE: Well, I don’t doubt that if you really think Bluster can really play the dang cello.

MICHAEL: What do ya mean he’s playin’ the cello? There’s a dang video!

CHANCE: The bow is taped to his hoof! Tex is right off camera pulling Bluster’s leg back and forth.

MICHAEL [sarcastic]: Well, then, why ya out here with me, pilgrim? When you should be out solvin’ all the world’s unsolved mysteries. Personally, I’ll reserve judgment till I see Bluster for myself.

CHANCE [confused]: You… You do understand that you can’t ever “see for yourself,” right? I was in that house with you, Michael. That was clearly Bluster we saw in there, and he was very dead. He was shot and burned, and had been there for a few days, at least. There’s no resuscitatin’ him. He is gone. So, unless you can travel back in time, you’re never gonna see him do a card trick. You’re never gonna see him balance a budget. You’re never gonna see him juggle bowlin’ pins.

MICHAEL: They ain’t bowlin’ pins. They’re jugglin’ clubs. And I’ll take your ass back in time, and prove it. Just as soon as we get this sorted out.

CHANCE: Whatever.

MICHAEL: You’re tellin’ me that you don’t think there’s nothin’ special about Bluster? Nothin’ at all? I don’t mean to evangelize to ya, but that sucker was one big horse. Like, big big.

CHANCE: That’s all he was. Gigantic. Sometimes, animals get really big. Hell, even people get really big. Andre the Giant didn’t have magic powers by virtue of being gigantic.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I get what you’re sayin’. Andre the Giant was big, but that didn’t mean he could play cards or make dinner.

CHANCE: You know what I mean.

MICHAEL: Here’s somethinm I don’t get, though. You think this is all bullshit and snake oil. So why you shakin’ in your boots when we found Tex and Bluster? Why you care what happens to them folks?

CHANCE: Are you kidding me? Tex was a snake oil salesmen, sure, but he was a nice guy. He was always at the bar. He’d give you the shirt off his back, and actually did give me the shirt off his back one time when he accidentally spilled his whole beer on me. I didn’t want him to die.

MICHAEL: Well, I’m glad to hear that at least, pard.

CHANCE: Plus, this whole horse situation is a huge cash cow, if you catch my drift. Hell, we might as well call it a huge cash horse.

MICHAEL [confused]: I… don’t follow.

CHANCE: You’re about to make me the richest man in Bluster’s Grove, Michael. No matter what happens, I’m makin’ a lotta money on this. People have Bluster fever, and you led me right to him. And now you’re gonna to “save Bluster,” or whatever that means. I assume that you know where Bluster came from, and you’re gonna steal an equally large horse, and pass it off as Bluster, maybe? And we’re digging under a security fence, I’d guess? I’m down for that. I used to be a game warden, I’ve seen some creative ways that folks get around fences to get to animals. I can help. We’ll split the reward money, and get outta town before anyone figures out that it’s not him.

MICHAEL: That ain’t what we’re doin’. [Considering.] Though… Actually, ya know… that ain’t a bad idea. My plan only goes so far. After we find what we’re lookin’ for, we gotta hatch a new plan, and there’s a lotta work to do, and havin’ a body double o’ Bluster might come in handy.

CHANCE: I didn’t mean to give you any ideas. Plus, we didn’t bring a horse trailer. How would we get him back home?

MICHAEL: With goddamn time travel, Chance.

CHANCE: [Laughs.] Okay, right. So you’re not being serious. I guess we could put him in the bed of the truck, but there’s no way we’d make it back to Texas without getting pulled over, and with how crazed everyone is about Bluster, the police might be judge, jury, and executioner if they catch ya.

MICHAEL: Ye ain’t listenin’. We ain’t putin’ a horse in the dang truck. I ain’t gettin’ turned over to the sheriff.

CHANCE: Especially cause that’s my backup plan. Bluster ain’t the only one with a huge bounty on his head. Tex does, too. Wanted for the murder of Bluster the Gigantic Horse. And you look exactly like him. Well, except for a scar, but we can fix that in post. I bring you to the sheriff, and collect that reward money instead. I’d be the hero for catchin’ the murderer.

MICHAEL: Oh, a big talking cowboy, huh? I seent how you reacted when you saw Tex and Bluster. Ya squealed like a dang pig. You ain’t takin’ me to jail. More disreputable men than you have tried and failed. You ain’t takin’ me nowhere.

CHANCE: The wanted poster does say “dead or alive.”

MICHAEL: Chance, look me in the eye real quick.

CHANCE: I can’t look you in the eye Michael, I’m drivin’.

MICHAEL: Just real quick.

CHANCE: Okay…

MICHAEL: That’s what I thought. I know your temperament more than you know, Chance. And I know what a killer looks like. You ain’t got what it takes. And that’s prolly a good thing. You think everyone in this whole dang world is bluffin’, but I can see you bluffin’.

CHANCE: Well, if you want to test out your theory, I’ve got my revolver right here on the dashboard. But we can hammer out the details of that if we aren’t able to “save” Bluster.

MICHAEL: We really are savin’ Bluster. And we’re savin’ Tex and MDawg and a whole mess of folks you ain’t never met. Or claim not to know. Chris…

CHANCE: Still don’t know who ya mean.

MICHAEL: Yeah, now I’m the skeptical one. [Pauses, then sighs.] I hate to ask, cause we only been on the road ten minutes, but can we pull over a minute? I gotta take a piss. I didn’t get a chance when we were run out the general store, with that angry mob and all.

CHANCE: We really shouldn’t have stopped at a place that sells actual pitchforks. [Sighs.] Fine. We’ll pull over. But only cause I need to go, too. How much longer until we’re in that Oldbrush Valley place?

MICHAEL: Two hours. Uh. Maybe two and a half?

CHANCE: Thank god. [Opens the car door.] My legs are fallin’ asleep.

[Chance closes the door.]

MICHAEL: What kinda dumbass leaves his weapon on the dashboard. [Takes Chance’s revolver.] Greenhorn. All hat, no cattle, I swear. Well. Finders keepers.

[Scene transition.]

[Chance and Michael are back in the car, nearing Oldbrush Valley. The mood is considerably lighter.]

CHANCE: [Laughs.] So, then, Tex chucked his guitar into the fireplace, mid-song. And the guitar was still plugged in, so of course it started to make all sorts o’ horrible noises. While all of us are lookin’ into the fire, though, somehow Tex pulled out another identical guitar, and plugged it in, and kept playin’. I’ve got to admit, it was pretty rock-and-roll. And also pretty stupid. The Outpost is a hole-in-the-wall, not a concert venue. I’m sure the whole band got payed about $50 total, plus tips, plus drink tickets. Definitely not enough to waste an $800 guitar. He did it again a month later, too! I-I’m sure it’s some kinda magic trick, but I have no idea how he did it. I actually got right up to the fire, and it looked like it was actually in there.

MICHAEL: I know how he did it, pard. That weren’t no magic trick. It’s good to be skeptical, but you gotta believe your eyes every now and then, or you ain’t gonna understand what you’re seein’. That guitar was really in the fire. Say, uh, is that weird British guy you keep bringin’ up in that band with Tex?

CHANCE: You mean Outlaw? Nah, he’s a synth player, and Tex plays country rock. It’s a little sad, really. He put up flyers for his own band, but no one wants to play synthwave in Bluster’s Grove. There’s not really a market for it.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I reckon there’s not. Uh, when’s the last time you’ve seen Outlaw?

CHANCE: Before Bluster disappeared. I guess he skipped town. I know even less about Outlaw than I do Tex. Tex and MDawg would come into town, they’d get drunk at the Outpost, and start tellin’ stories. Sometimes unbelievable stories, but there was always some truth in there. Outlaw never told anyone anything. As far as we were concerned, he started existing when he arrived in Bluster’s Grove, and not a second sooner. Everything before that was a complete mystery. I don’t even know where his house is.

MICHAEL: That is all very in-character for him. He is quite the enigma.

CHANCE: So you knew ‘im, too, right? What was he like? Who is he?

MICHAEL: Ty’s my worst enemy, kinda. H-He’s my worst enemy who, uh, got tired of doin’ evil, and moved down to Texas to be a cowboy. Tex sure gotta bigger heart than mine, cause I woulda never taken that lowly cur into my house.

CHANCE: You don’t think that he did it, do you? Like a… lover’s quarrel gone wrong?

MICHAEL [surprised]: A– A what now?

CHANCE: Oh. Were they not…a thing?

MICHAEL: No! I-I mean. I-I– I don’t know. …N-No! Not any of us! Not ever.

CHANCE: I mean, it’s not like I ever saw any proof, it just… it felt like they were a “package deal,” if that makes sense. If you invited Tex to something, usually Outlaw would show up with him.

MICHAEL: Chance, you of all people should know that a “package deal” don’t mean someone’s in a relationship.

CHANCE: What is that supposed to mean?

MICHAEL: Ugh, it don’t matter. [Pause.] Anyway, we’re here. You’re gonna wanna go ahead, and turn bleft here into this empty lot.

CHANCE: Left?

MICHAEL: Bleft.

CHANCE: Bleft?

MICHAEL: What? They don’t got bleft in Texas?

CHANCE: They don’t have bleft anywhere.

MICHAEL: Sure, they do, you just ain’t been listenin’. Look, pull in here, that’s bleft, drive in toward the treeline. We’re headin’ into the forest.

CHANCE: You had me drive for hours to stop in an empty lot in the woods?

MICHAEL: Yessir, I did.

CHANCE: What the hell happened here? …It looks weird. Like there used to be a whole buildin’ here?

MICHAEL: That’s none o’ your business.

CHANCE: There’s a big indentation where somethin’ used to be.

MICHAEL: Look, don’t worry about what happened to the house. We ain’t here for the house. We’re here for them woods out back. Just keep on goin’ till we make it to the trees.

CHANCE: What’s in the trees?

MICHAEL: The buried treasure. Look, we’re almost there, pard. As soon as we dig it up, everything’ll start makin’ sense. Well, maybe things’ll make less sense, but you’ll know more.

CHANCE: That’s what the shovels are for? We’re just digging randomly in the woods?

MICHAEL: Not randomly. I got some idea where to dig.

CHANCE: And how do you know that?

MICHAEL: Cause one of us buried it long time ago. Big metal box.

CHANCE: I’m… startin’ to get a really bad feelin’ about this. There’s somethin’ you’re not tellin’ me.

MICHAEL: You need to hone your instincts, Chance. You shoulda got a bad feelin’ when I showed up in the Outpost. And there’s a helluva lot that I’m not tellin’ ya. I thought you understood that. You made your choices. You’re out here in the woods in Oldbrush Valley, with a stranger and two shovels. So it’s time to start diggin’.

[We hear Chance pat the dashboard. The gun is not there.]

CHANCE: Where the hell is my gun!?

MICHAEL: Shouldn’t have left it out, greenhorn. Cain’t never be too careful. I weren’t about to let you run around out here in my neck o’ the woods fully loaded. After what you said about wantin’ to turn me in to the sheriff? No, sir, no way. You can have it back when our adventure’s over.

CHANCE: …I fucked up, didn’t I? You look like Tex, so I trusted you. But you’re the one that killed ’em, ain’t ya? You killed Tex and Bluster, and went to the Outpost to find anyone who knew where they lived so you could kill them, too. You’re gonna shoot me, and dump me in a grave, and then burn the whole forest down around me.

MICHAEL: You think so damn highly of your faculties, Chance. Ya got it all wrong. There’s a good reason I wanted you to tag along with me, and I think there’s a good reason you agreed. I wanted an extra set of hands and a spare set of eyes. Now, I buried this thing years ago, so we’re gonna be tryin’ spots for a while.

CHANCE: I can’t believe I got myself killed all over some reward money. I thought, “I’m never gonna have to work another day in my life,” and then the monkey’s paw fuckin’ curled.

MICHAEL: Well, the good news is you’re gonna be doin’ the same thing whether or not you believe me. Either I’m lookin’ for somethin’, or you’re diggin’ your grave. But the important part is I got the guns, and you’re diggin’. So get to diggin’. And please don’t make this a fight. I promised Badger I wouldn’t kill folks unless I gotta.

CHANCE: God, I’m such an idiot.

MICHAEL: Quit whinin’, Chance. You’re startin to remind me of someone. It’s time to dig.

[Scene transition.]

[We hear the sounds of digging in the rain.]

CHANCE: This deep enough, Michael?

MICHAEL: Yup. You woulda hit it. It’s metal. You woulda heard it.

CHANCE: Well, there’s nothin’ here except water fillin’ the hole.

MICHAEL: Well, give up on that spot, then, and move to that one over there, two trees to your bleft. That spot looks better, anyway.

CHANCE: It’s been hours, Michael! And my socks are gettin’ wet. I didn’t dress for trudgin’ through the mud! I don’t think I can do this much longer.

MICHAEL: That’s why ya gotta dress for the job you want, pard. Alright, hows about we dig one more hole, and then head back to the truck for a break. There’s a 24-hour diner in town where we can dry off. Makes the best biscuits and gravy you’ll ever eat.

CHANCE: Michael, it is eight o’clock at night. I don’t want breakfast.

MICHAEL: Thems fightin’ words. Biscuits and gravy is an anytime food.

CHANCE: That’s exactly the sort of nonsense Tex used to say.

MICHAEL: Maybe Tex is smarter than you give him credit for.

[We hear lightning strike close.]

CHANCE: I think that might be an omen. I think we need to stop until the rain passes through.

MICHAEL: I’m comin’ around to the idea, pard. My hat’s gettin’ soaked. It’s gonna be all stinky on the ride home. So, I guess we can go ahead, and head over to the diner. I mean, it’d be great to see Latif again, even i–

[We hear the blink noise, and Michael blinks out of existence.]

CHANCE: Michael? What just happened– Michael–? What the fuck is goin’ on? Where the hell are you!? Hello? …Michael? What the hell is goin’ on? I was facin’…

[We hear a muffled conversation between Chris and Mikey. For the breakdown of everything they say, please see the end of this episode transcript.]

CHANCE: I was facin’ this way… That’s the way outta the woods, but then… that’s a whole buildin’ that wasn’t there. I didn’t miss it when we came in, I drove right through there. That’s where we came from.

[Chance looks through the window of Base, and notices Chris and Mikey inside.]

CHANCE: Are there people in there? …Ah, maybe he did shoot me.

CHRIS [muffled]: “The Biggest Lie” is an Elliott Smith song. The Bright Eyes version is just a cover.

MIKEY [muffled]: …Which I knew, and I think…

CHANCE: What the fuck is goin’ on? Why do you look like a younger Tex? [Pause.] That’s… That’s me in there… Holy shit, that’s me. What the fuck!?

CHRIS [muffled]: [Sing-songy.] Poser! Mikey’s a poser!

MIKEY [muffled]: Stop it! E-Edgar’s gonna hear you.

CHRIS [muffled]: I’m gonna text Jam, and tell them that you didn’t know “The Biggest Lie” was by Elliott Smith.

MIKEY [muffled]: No! They’re going to take me out of the music group chat! I’m already on thin ice cause I keep sending them songs with the word “olive” in the title.

CHRIS [muffled]: You should have thought about that.

[Chance bangs on the glass.]

CHANCE: Hello? Who are you? Can you see me?

MIKEY [muffled]: Fuck! Look. There’s someone outside.

CHANCE: What’s going on? Why do you look just like me? Are you me?

MIKEY [muffled]: Hey, that scared me. W-What the hell? Uh, Chance– [CHANCE: Did you say “Chance”!?] Uh, Chris? I mean. Is that– Is that you? Do you have an iteration?

CHRIS [muffled]: That’s what it looks like…

MIKEY [muffled]: Uh, stupid question, maybe. Did someone iterate you?

CHRIS: Not that I know about… That’s really weird. Do you think that Ty or someone–

[The world unblinks. Base is gone, and Michael is back. We hear only the rain and thunder for a beat.]

MICHAEL: Okay, uh… Fuck, uh… Somethin’ just happened. Did I go somewhere just now?

CHANCE: You tell me! What the fuck just happened? I was lookin’ directly at you, and then, all of a sudden, you were gone, and there was a whole buildin’ here on the empty lot, and I walked up to the winder, and it looked like I was inside of the building?

MICHAEL: [Sighs.] That’s, uh… really not good that that happened. You thought the lightnin’ was a bad omen. …This isn’t what’s supposed to be happenin’ right now.

CHANCE: You think!? Michael, what the hell is goin’ on?

MICHAEL: I told ya, Chance, but you weren’t listening. I’m a goddamn time traveler. It’s time for you to take this seriously, and do exactly as I say. We gotta button up this case ‘fore things get even more hectic than that. Now, uh… I do believe that– [We hear a shovel strike dirt and then metal.] Yup. I had a feelin’, call it a premonition, that I was in the right place. We found our buried treasure, Chance! Now the fun starts.

[Closing theme starts playing.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE. The voice of Chance was Taylor Michaels. Check him out in The Grotto, and check out his microfiction horror story that he made all by himself. Link is in the description. Thanks for playing.

[Closing theme plays out.]