157: Good Cop/Bad Cop

SUMMARY

It’s Bear huntin’ season round these parts and Tex is comin’ for you.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Nugget and Theo and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 157.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Welcome to Season 14. I hope that you are excited for a new set of adventures for Mikey and the gang. I know I am. So here are some quick plugs. I’m still streaming every Sunday over on Twitch at twitch.tv/patreon. What am I fucking sayi– I’m still streaming ever Sunday on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. Right now, we’re playing Signalis, and I’m good at it. I’m really good at it. So if that sounds good to you and not frustrating, that’s twitch.tv/woebegonepod.

And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. Very often, I will upload bonus content to the Patreon, and sometimes that makes it into the intermission like “ParTYcipant Observation,” and sometimes it stays on the Patreon. So if you’d like that bonus material, check that out. That’s patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Yes, I did read those last two names last time, but it would be a shame to let that name go to waste. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains depictions of violence, including gun violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[Feed shed door opens.]

TEX: Alright, Bear, ya lowly varmint! [Loads and pumps shotgun.] You listen up!

BEAR: My name is not Bear. [Chain starts to clink as he moves. He is shackled.]

TEX: Way I see it, you’re my prisoner, and your name is what I say it is. The bear was livin’ in this feed shed. Bear’s gone. You’re livin’ in the feed shed. You’re the bear. And you’re gonna start spillin’ the beans today, or we’re gonna start spillin’ your brains on that back wall there. Or maybe we could do the WOE.BEGONE challenges just for old time sakes. I got a brand new Sawzall I been itchin’ to try out.

BEAR: My name is Nobody. And I have nothing to say to you, Tex.

TEX: Like hell you don’t, you filthy, little ingrate! Can you believe this fella, MDawg?

MDAWG: Hi, Bear. Sorry about him. Something about Mars has got him acting up, I think.

TEX: Mars, my ass. 

BEAR: My name is Nobody, MDawg.

MDAWG: I brought you some blueberries that I picked, and some alkaline water that I found online. It tastes a little bit different than regular water, but it’s supposed to be, like, really good for your blood?

BEAR: There is nothing wrong with my blood.

TEX: You’re lucky that it’s still on the inside o’ ya. Of course this feral ingrate don’t want your food, MDawg. He ain’t even ate the salmon that I brought him this mornin’. I slaved over a hot stove to make him breakfast, and this is the thanks I get.

BEAR: Salmon isn’t breakfast food. Especially when you also had it for dinner.

TEX: Salmon is bear food. I didn’t catch all that dang salmon for nothin’. So you’re gonna be on a salmon diet till there ain’t no more of it in the freezer. Got it, Bear?

BEAR: I can’t eat any more breakfast salmon. I won’t.

MDAWG: He has a point, Tex. The feed shed smells awful. I don’t even wanna be in here right now, it’s– it’s overwhelming. I can– I can see the aura from the salmon emanating from the shed with my bad eye. It’s the– a murky brown color.

TEX: Maybe it wouldn’t smell so bad if he ate his whole dang portion.

MDAWG: Can I just… give him the alkaline water and the berries, please? Maybe he’ll like salmon more if he gets a break from it.

TEX: [Huffs.] You do whatcha want, pard. But don’t coddle him. He don’t deserve nothin’ till he tells us what we wanna know.

MDAWG: You win more flies with honey than vinegar, Tex.

TEX: Why would I wanna win a dang fly?

MDAWG: Here ya go, Bear. I picked these myself. They’re fresh and sweet and delicious and cold. They were just in the ice box. I’m sorry about Tex. This whole situation has got him so riled up. We didn’t necessarily want to take you in, but we were out of options, and say what you want about the house in Texas, but it’s safe. So we need to take the situation, and make the best of it.

TEX: I’m riled up cause I don’t like not havin’ a say in what goes on inside my house.

BEAR: I am not in your house, Tex. As you can see, I am shackled inside of a feed shed.

TEX: Whole place is my house, pilg. And I can shackle who I want.

MDAWG: Things will get better, we just haven’t found a middle ground yet. But there’s gotta be one somewhere. Say what you want, but you are a Mike Walters, Bear. You’re just like the two of us. We’re fundamentally the same, even if we have different approaches to life. I mean, everything on Earth is connected through the astral plane, of course. But the bond between Mike iterations is something special. We’re all connected to the same Mother Soul. So if you would just talk to us, I know for a fact that we could smooth all of this out, and be copacetic. And then, after that, we could talk about unshackling you and letting you into the house. 

TEX: Ain’t no room.

MDAWG: Okay, it is a little bit cramped, but… I don’t know, uh, Bluster could move out of my room, and sleep outside like a horse?

TEX [emphasized]: Ain’t. No. Room.

BEAR: With all due respect, MDawg, I am not connected to the Mother Soul, I’m not Bear, I’m not Mike, I am Nobody. And I am not going to talk to you.

TEX: Well, the alternative to bein’ the bear is maybe you could own up to bein’ a goddang Mikey.

BEAR: The bear that used to live in here isn’t gone, by the way. You all know that he’s still hanging around, right? I hear him every night. He’s starting to learn how to pry the door open. The only thing keeping me safe is that the door is heavy and it sticks, cause that flimsy little lock on it isn’t going to keep him out. He’ll bust straight through it. You think it smells in here now, MDawg? Think about how it’s going to smell when you find me in here, half-eaten. 

TEX: Nonsense, pilg. That other bear ain’t gonna bother you once he figures out you ain’t food. Bears are just like big, ol’ racoons. They’re skittish around folks, and they wanna lay around and eat trash all day. I can relate. So there ain’t no reason to be a-scared o’ him if you ain’t out here provokin’ him. 

BEAR: I’m starting to think that this is just your way of killing me. Malnourish me, and hope that either that kills me, or the bear pries open this sardine tin and goes to town. I don’t understand why you’re keeping me alive. You clearly don’t want to. Go on then, Tex. I see your finger on the trigger. Do it, pard. You know that I was ready to erase you from existence. …Go on. Erase me.

TEX: Believe me, Bear. You’d be takin’ a hefty shotgun blast to the face if I weren’t doin’ a big favor for the other Mikes. They wanted you out of that Compound alive, and I was the only place you can hole up, since the apartment ain’t safe yet. But if’n you’re itchin’ to die so dang bad, I got a Calculator sittin’ on the livin’ room table. I could make a mess out of you, and then correct it till you decide you’re ready to talk.

MDAWG: Tex. Nobody is killing anyone, and we’re not going to make empty threats to make everyone’s vibrations even more unpredictable. I know that he’s not being sensible, Bear, and I want to help you, I really do. But in order for me to help you, you have to start cooperating more. You have to talk to us. There’s a lot that Base and Ty need to understand. They need to know all about the Council of Annes; what they’re doing; who their team is composed of;  whether they sent you on that mission to erase everyone, or if that was your idea; who your team was; how you were planning to get all of this done; the whole nine yards. And the longer you hold out on us, the worse Tex is going to get. My partner has a short temper. I don’t want him to fly off the handle anymore than you do. So help me help you. Tex is a bad cop, I agree, but I’m a good cop. You can trust me; we can figure this out. 

BEAR: I am not interested in helping Base or the Compound or the Tys. Let them fall into mayhem and then obscurity. Kaz is going to rip through those Tys like butter while he’s investigating this whole Supernuke thing, to which I say good riddance.

MDAWG: Y-You don’t rip butter.

BEAR: All of you worked together to make a big fucking pointless mess of this entire timeline. You scrounged your way back onto the playing field, and this is what you chose to do with that opportunity? Meanwhile, all I wanted to do was make it so that none of us ever got involved in any of this bullshit. I wanted to limit how many people have access to this terrible technology, and trust me, the amount of people who have their hands on this thing is horrifying and enormous and more than you know. Nothing that is happening right now would be happening. We could go on with our lives in peace. We could pick up where we left off. What would a single Mike Walters be doing in 2024 if none of this happened? Do you ever think about how long this has been going on relative to our lifespan? And it’s even longer for the old man here. We would get four entire years of our life back. An important four years. I wanted to [Cowboy voice.] “nip it in the bud” [Normal voice.] before it got this far. Is that how you’d say it, Tex?

[Gunshot.]

BEAR: F-Fuck!

TEX: Sorry, folks. My finger slipped. I meant to hit ‘im. 

MDAWG: Tex. You put a hole in his enclosure. What if it rains?

TEX: Hopefully it’ll wash the dang smell out. Look, I ain’t fuckin’ around here, pilg. I’m too old to be wastin’ my time on some bullshit. This lily-livered, hippie sunovabitch might be afraid to hurt ya, Bear, [MDAWG: “Lily-livered”?] but I sure as hell ain’t. I’ll putcha down with a dang smile on my face. I ain’t got nothing but resentment for you and everything you’re trying to do. Ya goddamn lowlife. Ty and Base want ya alive, and I sure ain’t about to cross the Council of Annes if’n I don’t gotta. But that don’t mean I gotta make things comfortable for you. I’m gonna make you squirm. It’s bear huntin’ season round these parts. And Tex is comin’ for ya.

MDAWG: Okay, I think that that’s enough. Uh, everyone is monologuing now, which means that nobody is listening to anyone else. I think that this conversation might be more than I can mediate. Maybe we can regroup later? I don’t think that Bear is going to talk to us with you laying it on so thick, Tex.

TEX: I didn’t say nothin’ I don’t mean. I gotta get it through his head.

BEAR: You are correct, MDawg. I will not be answering questions at this juncture or ever. And I am eagerly awaiting the moment that you leave, so that I can enjoy the peace and quiet while I stew in this goddamn salmon stink.

TEX: Bluster! Bluster! Where ya at, boy? I need ya to come here and kick the side of the feed shed every 15 minutes. Till I say stop.

MDAWG: This is a rare mood even for you, Tex. We can show some grace here. It’s peacetime. Things are quiet now. No one is currently trying to drop a Supernuke on us or set our house on fire. We have time to talk it out. There’s no rush. And Bluster is not going to stand here and kick the shed every 15 minutes. He’s way too busy right now. Social media fame can turn into a job so fast, I swear. He’s probably busy ranking apple varieties for his five-dollar-and-up patrons.

BEAR: I advise you not to get your hopes up, MDawg. I’m not going to tell you anything that you want to hear. You wanna call me Bear? Fine. That’s your prerogative. But remember that your kind has not always had the best luck with bears.

TEX: That’s it. That’s it. I’m gettin’ the gas can from around front. I’m gonna burn this whole dang shed down with you in it. 

MDAWG: Tex–! Come on, man. Don’t let him get you riled up. That’s what he wants. Let’s get out of here. We need to do the breathing that I’ve practiced with you. Remember the breathing?

TEX: I don’t need practice breathin’, MDawg! I had these dang ol’ lungs my whole life. 

MDAWG: I’m actually sorry about him, Bear. It’s embarrassing. He’s really on one today. Uh, I hope you enjoy the blueberries and the water. I will try to find you something more nutritionally complete in the meantime, and maybe something to get the salmon smell out of the shed. Bluster has been complaining that the feed tastes like fish.

BEAR: Can you go already?

MDAWG: Right, Tex, let’s just go.

[MDawg and Tex exit the feed shed.]

TEX [faint]: He ain’t allowed to come in my shed and talk to me like that!

MDAWG [faint]: You put him in the shed, and shackled him so he can’t leave!

BEAR: I knew that it was a mistake to save them from the Supernuke…

[Time skip.]

[Feed shed opens, then closes.]

MDAWG: Hey, uh, Bear? Uh, are you awake? I-I know it’s late.

BEAR: [Sighs.] I’m awake now. [Chain starts to clink as he moves.] Leave me alone. My name isn’t Bear.

MDAWG: It kind of is, because that’s what everyone’s calling you now? In my opinion, it’s best to just roll with it. Here, I got you something.

[MDawg tosses Bear a bottle of pills.]

BEAR: What are these? …B vitamin pills? [Uncaps the bottle.]

MDAWG: I found them in the general store. They didn’t have normal multivitamins, but I thought that this was better than nothing. It says on the bottle that they’re good for your nervous system, I guess? When we went in, Tex said, [Tex impression.] “Don’t buy nothin’ for that dang ol’ varmint Bear.” [Stops impression.] So I pretended that I wanted them for myself. That’s why I snuck out in the middle of the night. He’s dead asleep.

BEAR: MDawg. Respectfully, my nervous system is the least of my concerns right now, because someone has me shackled up inside of a feed shed. But thank you for thinking of me, I guess. 

MDAWG: I’m a little worried about you, Bear. Are you doing okay, man? Look, I’m really sorry that we have you stuffed in here. It’s not pleasant, and I don’t think it’s fair to you. I’ve been talking to Tex about getting you out of here, but we don’t know what to do with you.

BEAR: It’s not complicated. You unshackle me, and then you let me go.

MDAWG: Bear, don’t confuse my good vibrations with me trusting you. I may have just met you, but you are a Mike Walters. So I know you, and I know how you think, because it’s how I think. And so I know what lengths you’re willing to go to when your chakras are all blocked up like this.

BEAR: I don’t have chakras, I’m not Bear, and I am definitely not Mike Walters. I am Nobody.

MDAWG: That ship has sailed, Bear. That isn’t any different than Mikey saying that his name is Mike. It’s time to give up on it. Because if you don’t give up on it, you’re going to harsh the vibe around here. And “Bear” is sticking pretty well. I was talking to Outlaw yesterday, and I said something about “Bear,” and he knew that I was talking about you. And if you want my opinion, it’s a good nickname. It’s much more… community-forward, ya know? Cause you’re not nobody. You’re part of our community now, just like Outlaw and Bluster are. And if you’re not Mike Walters, then how do I know that you fell off your bike the day before fifth grade graduation, and have a big scar on your knee? 

BEAR: That isn’t me anymore. I’m not Bear. I’m not Mike Walters. I am Nobody.

MDAWG: Raising your voice doesn’t make it more true. If you could cool off even just a little bit, it would be so much groovier out here. I think that you could get along with us just fine if you could get over these hang ups. What’s so bad about being Mike Walters? I admit there are downsides, but what are you alleviating by saying that you’re not one of us? What’s so bad about living out here in Texas? Why do you think that all of this is so bodace-less that you have to burn it all down?

BEAR: Wh–… What is “bodace-less”?

MDAWG: It’s the opposite of bodacious, dummy. Don’t dodge the question. 

BEAR: None of this is right, MDawg. This isn’t how things are supposed to be. There is a whole other life that I’m supposed to be living. Time travel has ruined it all. It has fractured our existence. None of this should be happening. And I can stop it from happening. I was working on that. I’m not supposed to be here, and that’s why I want to burn it all down.

MDAWG: There are healthier ways to deal with this than burning it all down, Bear. Look, I didn’t love living here when I showed up. Tex and Outlaw are ornery, they’re loud, they love shooting guns and eating meat, and I just wanna chillax and vibe with my kombucha. But we made it work, because we respect each other. Sure, it’s a little cramped inside the house, especially my room because I have to share it with Bluster. But, other than that, Tex and Outlaw make sure that we want for nothing. We have food and shelter and creature comforts and an iPad. We have a bar we can go hang out in and play poker, and a horse that we can ride into town. Considering the state of the world, it’s a pretty sick set up, man.

BEAR: And where is your Edgar in this “sick set up,” man?

MDAWG: My Edgar? You mean EdMan? He’s at Operose with the other MDawg.

BEAR: No. Where is your Edgar?

MDAWG: Where are you going with this, Bear? I just told you.

BEAR: That is his Edgar, MDawg. You don’t have one anymore. You have nothing. They even took one of your eyes from you.

MDAWG: My eye is getting better, thank you very much. I’m not sure it will ever fully recover, but I can see colors and shapes and auras and stuff. In fact, I can probably see auras better now than before.

BEAR: Cut the shit, MDawg. They took it from you, and you didn’t even disobey them! You tried your best to complete a mission for them, and you failed, and they punished you for it! Your best isn’t good enough, it won’t protect you.

MDAWG: How much do you know about me losing my eye, man?

BEAR: They are going to take everything from you. Everything! Systematically. Piecemeal. O.I., the Compound, O.V.E.R., the Base. Take your pick. They all want a slice. And you don’t even seem to be aware that it’s happening. When are you going to learn!? When is the frog going to look down and notice that the water is boiling! By the time you notice, it’s going to be too late. It’s already too late right now. You are already cooked, MDawg.

MDAWG: Bear, Tex warned me that you might give a supervillain speech if I talk to you, and he told me not to believe you, no matter how confident you sound. I don’t think it’s so certain that we would be better off if we never played WOE.BEGONE or went to O.V.E.R. Look at Stinky for instance. He never played WOE.BEGONE, and he’s stuck in the same time travel scenario as the rest of us. I still haven’t been told the story of where he was before all of this? But it doesn’t seem like he was living a very funkadelic lifestyle, if you know what I mean. 

BEAR: I do not know what you mean, and I do not intend to learn.

MDAWG: What I’m saying is, Tex won him in a poker game. Things were not going great for Stinky, even though he had everything that you seem to think that you want. I think that even in timelines where we never played WOE.BEGONE, we’re sorta stuck this way. The cosmos is pulling us all in a singular direction, man.

BEAR: Do Tex and his ilk traffic a lot of people?

MDAWG: “Traffic”? Bear, what are you talking about? It’s not like that. It– It’s Stinky, he’s one of us. It’s not like some stranger.

BEAR: Stinky is a person, and Tex took that person into his custody, and put him into Compound Storage.

MDAWG: There is a– [Sighs.] a nuance that you’re misrepresenting here. Tex could’ve said it better, uh, I can’t find the words. Uh– [Stammers.] Te– We’re all trying to do right by each other. We’re all doing everything that we can to keep the group together.

BEAR: MDawg. You are very susceptible to the will of others, aren’t you?

MDAWG: Well, y-your aura colors the auras of those around you, which is why we all need to vibrate on the same wavelength.

BEAR: You are in a cowboy cult. They protected you from Operose, so now Tex gets to keep you like his little pet. You sleep in the room with the other pet. You obey like the other pet, and he’s even got you wearing a cowboy hat.

MDAWG: He puts in on my head when I’m meditating. Look, it’s– it’s no big deal. It keeps the sun out of my face.

BEAR: Tex isn’t here, you’re not meditating, and it is the middle of the night. And you’re out here towing the party line to me. Trying to explain to me, a living, breathing human being, just as alive as yourself, why I have to be shackled inside of a feed shed. MDawg, he fired a shotgun right next to my face  this morning.

MDAWG: I don’t know what to tell you. I really am talking to Tex about getting you out of here. But you’re not making a case for yourself right now. We can’t let you out if you’re doing literal supervillain scheming about how you’re going to erase all of us. You have to understand that you’re bumming everyone out, right?

BEAR: Fuck talking to Tex about it. You saw him today. He’s a bad cop. You’re a good cop. You have the keys to the shackle on the keychain that you use to unlock the shed, right? So unshackle me, and let me go.

MDAWG: I want to help you, Bear, I seriously do. I want to let you go. Eventually. But you have to mellow out, for real. Not pretending to mellow out so that you can get your way. You need to actually, seriously mellow out.

BEAR: It is extremely easy to prove that you want to let me go. Because you can just let me go.

MDAWG: We’re a community out here. I don’t make unilateral decisions. I need to talk to Tex. We can work something out; maybe we can just tie up your hands, and let you walk around? But we also need to Bear-proof the house. There’s Calculators and guns and stuff just sitting out on the table.

BEAR: Let me out. Now. 

MDAWG: I-I can’t do that. Not with you like– Hey! Hey!

[Bear tackles MDawg, choking him with the chain. MDawg gurgles and gasps.]

MDAWG [strangled]: Take the keys. Don’t hurt me. Can’t breathe.

BEAR: It’s too late, MDawg. We’ve passed the point of no return. You’ve failed. I’m taking everything.

[MDawg gradually stops thrashing, then dies.]

[Bear pats down MDawg, finds the keys, and unshackles himself while whistling.]

[We hear the feed shed open, then close. There are footsteps through vegetation. We hear the door to the main house open and close. There is a clock ticking. After a moment, a door opens to the sound of Tex snoring. We hear a shotgun being pumped.]

TEX: Bluster, I told you not to play with the shotgun while I’m sleepin’… [Sharp inhale.] Nobody! …MDawg!

[The shotgun is fired, then pumped again. There is the clopping of hooves as Bluster approaches and neighs. The shotgun is fired, and there is a loud crash. The clock continues to tick.]

[We hear a gas can being uncapped, then the sloshing of liquid as gasoline is poured around. A lighter is ignited, and a fire starts and grows. We hear the door to the main house open and close, followed by footsteps through vegetation.]

[Closing theme plays.]

BLOOPER (DYLAN): Sorry to patrons, the episode is a little bit late. I had to rescue a dog? It’s a true story, and I’m kind of a hero. So… maybe some things are more important than a podcast. …Nah. 

[END Episode 157.]