156: Blinking

SUMMARY

Don’t listen to them, Baby Ty. You don’t have to respect Ty Betteridge. Not even if you are Ty Betteridge.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript by Theo and reviewed and edited by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 156.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Quick plugs. Before we begin, uh, [Michael voice.] Michael would like to wish a very happy birthday to [REDACTED]. One o’ your buddies reached out to me, and asked if I could say happy birthday, so here you go, pard. [Normal voice.] In other news, this is the Season 13 finale. I hope you have as much fun listening to it as I had making it. There will be an intermission next week. But this Sunday, just like every other Sunday, I will be streaming on my Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then hang out and play a video game. We just beat Kentucky Route Zero, and I didn’t cry at the end of it, because people were watching me. But there have been rumblings of a Nancy Drew soon? Or Signalis? So check that out if that sounds fun to you, that is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. Patrons at every paid tier will get access to all of the music from this episode. That includes the background instrumentals as well as the vocal songs, so check that out if that sounds fun to you. That is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains a depiction of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

OUTLAW TY: Come on, pard. It ain’t that bad.

STINKY: Yes, Outlaw! It is, in fact, that bad. I’m not going to be Stinky! I can’t be Stinky to everyone from now on.

OUTLAW: I admit it ain’t a very nice thing to be called, but…

STINKY: No, it’s not. Mikey gave me the nickname, and he isn’t a very nice guy, if you noticed. He kept me locked in a closet in his apartment! For no reason, I might add, because I know that Edgar knew that I was in there. I heard him stop outside the door and listen to me. I don’t know why he didn’t drop the pretending and just open the door for me. But no. And now, because of that, my sciatica is all kinds of messed up. And the worst thing of all is that Edgar calls Mikey Stinky! That’s his nickname! He tried to pawn it off on me!

OUTLAW: I got stretches for sciatica, if’n ya need ’em.

TEX: He ain’t got sciatica, Outlaw.

STINKY: No, I feel a lot better now that I’m here, and walking around, and not stuck in a closet.

OUTLAW: It’s good you’re feelin’ better, pilgrim. Cause it’s your turn to feed the dang bear y’all dragged here.

STINKY: Excuse me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I’m not feeding that bear, it would rip my arm off. Get Tex to do it! He’s the one that brought it here.

OUTLAW: You’re next in the rotation, Stinky. I fed him yesterday, and Bluster fed him the day before that. It’s your turn. Fair is fair.

STINKY: Well, if Bluster is well-trained enough to feed him, then Tex should just train the bear to feed himself.

TEX: Bear ain’t as smart as Bluster, Stinky.

STINKY: And, both of you, stop calling me Stinky.

OUTLAW: What do you reckon we should call you, then? We’re fresh outta nicknames. We got Mikey, Mike, Michael, Tex…

MDAWG: Don’t forget about MDawg.

OUTLAW: Oh, howdy, MDawg. Forgot you was here.

TEX: MDawg ain’t fed the bear yet, neither.

STINKY: Then get MDawg to feed him, I’m not doing it.

MDAWG: I can go with Stinky if he’s scared. I’m not afraid of the bear anymore. We met on the astral plane and had a conversation, and it was great. So as long as everyone out there is chill  and calm, and we all keep our auras clean, he’s gonna let us feed him, no problem.

OUTLAW: Okay. …But don’t think you’re getting outta your turn, MDawg.

MDAWG: I will take my turn when it is my turn. And today, I will lend little Stinky here some spiritual guidance.

OUTLAW: Take him on a psychedelic journey if’n ya want, pard. As long as the bear gets fed.

TEX: There’s a mess of fresh full salmon in the freezer. Caught ’em all this mornin’ just for the occasion.

OUTLAW: And watch your hands! Dang thing snapped at me when I fed ‘im.

MDAWG: We will be careful. And we will be back in a minute. Stay bodacious, you two.

TEX: I don’t know what that means, so… I’m gonna stick to bein’ a cowboy, if’n you don’t mind.

MDAWG: They aren’t mutually exclusive. Let’s go, Stinky.

[Scene transition.]

STINKY: MDawg, you’re chill, right? Can you… stop calling me Stinky, and can you get them to stop calling me Stinky? It’s– It’s a nightmare. I don’t even like being called Mikey, but I’ll settle for that if it means not getting called Stinky. Here, s-smell me. Smell me. I’m not stinky.

MDAWG: I don’t need to smell you, but it’s too late for that, I’m afraid. Once you have been given a nickname, it is very difficult to shirk. Bummer, harsh realm, I know, but it’s the truth. I was in good standing with my karma when they found me, so I got lucky, and already had a nickname. I introduced myself as MDawg, and so they call me MDawg.

STINKY: And they don’t call you Stinky! Even though I can smell you.

MDAWG: Deodorant has aluminum in it. I refuse to wear it. And my deodorant works in the fifth dimension, whereas yours does not. Stinky.

STINKY: It’s not your fifth dimension that I’m concerned about smelling.

MDAWG: If you want my advice, Stinky, you should go with the flow. You are Stinky now. Own it. Be… like water. Flow in the direction that you are going to flow. It makes everything easier. We live a difficult life; the last thing that we need are unnecessary challenges.

STINKY: Is that why you’ve been wearing a cowboy hat? That’s you going with the flow?

MDAWG: Tex keeps putting it on my head while I’m meditating, so I continue to wear it. Plus, the hat band has tourmaline in it, and that is a bodacious mineral. It has wonderful energy.

STINKY: You aren’t going to make “bodacious” happen.

MDAWG: It’s such a shame that we’re feeding fish to the bear. It seems so unnecessary. I have done some research, and it turns out that bears are omnivores. In the wild, they only eat meat occasionally. So I think I’m going to bring him some berries next time, and see if he prefers those.

STINKY: That thing’s an omnivore? I have seen him at work; that is a meat eater.

MDAWG: The bear has had a rough life, even for a bear. I think that after he gets a chance to calm down out here, he’ll be chill.

STINKY: Don’t say bodacious.

MDAWG: Bodacious, even. He could be one of the gang, just like Bluster. Think of how awesome it would be to have a bear guarding us.

STINKY: Okay, but Bluster is, like, smart and loyal, and the bear isn’t.

MDAWG: The bear has only been our enemy so far. He didn’t want to attack us that night on patrol. We were at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he hurt us. And even though he almost killed us, he was just as scared as we were.

STINKY: No, uh, I-I wasn’t on patrol, I was in a security building.

MDAWG: No, I am referring to before we were iterated. You do realize that that is the same bear, right? I confirmed it with his astral profile. That is the same bear that attacked us on patrol.

STINKY: I– I don’t understand what you mean by “patrol.” That isn’t what happened.

MDAWG: Stinky, are you saying that the bear has never attacked you on patrol?

STINKY: Look, [Stammers.] I don’t know, uh… Let’s– Let’s not talk about this right now, let’s just feed him, and get back inside.

MDAWG: Stinky, can I see your back for a moment? As in, could you lift up your shirt, and show me your back?

STINKY: Why would I do that? My hands are full of salmon.

MDAWG: I’m guessing that you don’t have a huge scar all the way down your back from a bear attack.

STINKY: Well, I guess we’ll never know, cause of the salmon hands.

MDAWG: Where did you come from, Stinky?

STINKY: I… Tex… Okay. So, uh… what’s the thing you guys say? Propa– Propagation risk! It– Uh– This. Is. [Fumbles.] S-Salmon hands.

MDAWG: Stinky. We are going to go back inside, and set the salmon down. The bear can wait. I think that we need to talk to Tex about you right this instant. Because if you– [Voice glitches.]

[MDawg blinks out of existence, then silence.]

STINKY: What the hell was that? Uh… MDawg? Uh. H-Hello? Uh. Where– Where’d you go? Uh, y-you dropped– you dropped all your… fish? I– I guess the bear is not gonna care about that, uh… Hello! W-Where are you? Hello? Uh… Tex? Outlaw? Anyone? What’s going on? Uh… Where’d all your stuff go… Why is–? Is this a prank? Did you–? Did you empty the house as, like, a funny time travel prank? Cause it’s not funny! Um… This isn’t a prank… Fuck! Fuck, this is really bad! Hello! Uh, anyone! Did you… go… somewhere? [Sighs.] God, how did he… astral project? No. No, that’s not real. Uh… fuck, I need– What do I do? Uh… I– I call… Mikey. …What’s his phone number? Fuck if I know. Oh, n… fuck!

[We hear Bluster approach. He whinnies.]

STINKY: [Relieved laugh.] Bluster! I’ve never been happy to see you before, I don’t think. Uh… Bluster? Something is very wrong. Do you know… what’s going on?

[Bluster snorts.]

STINKY: Okay, uh, Bluster? I need you to go into town, and find help. Go find help, Bluster. Uh. Go into town. Tell them, uh… that Tex and Outlaw and MDawg are missing? You can tell them, right? Because Tex says you can. Uh, Go? Town, over there. Uh, help… You do not understand me… Bluster. Go. Find. Help. Ugh!

[Everyone blinks back into existence. No one notices what happened.]

OUTLAW: –my iridium guy says he can get me a boatload of the stuff, but we gotta wait until next month. He’s fresh out.

TEX: Well, ain’t that a cryin’ shame. Cause I was hopin’ we could fortify the array this weekend while the weather’s nice. Plus, we got extra company to look after.

STINKY: Where the hell did you go just now?

OUTLAW: I beg your pardon? We were right here jawin’ about iridium. Did you feed the bear?

STINKY: No, uh–! E-Everyone disappeared for, like, a whole minute. You all blinked out of existence. MDawg and I went outside to feed the bear, and then, all of a sudden, he was gone, like, mid-sentence. I came inside, and both of you were gone. Everyone was gone but me and Bluster.

MDAWG: Stinky? Why did you come back inside? Don’t tell me that you’re afraid of the bear! He can sense bad vibrations!

OUTLAW: You’re sayin’ we all up and vanished? Tex, is Stinky sayin’ what I think he’s sayin’?

TEX: Sounds like we’re blinkin’, pard. And that ain’t a good sign at all. I don’t think iridium’s gonna get us out of this jam. Somethin’ real bad’s goin’ down. We’re all in danger. And Stinky, you just became real valuable.

STINKY: Oh, I’m “real valuable,” and I’m still called Stinky?

TEX: Nickname stuck. Sorry, pilgrim.

[Opening theme plays.]

EVIL TY: Finally. It’s about time that you came to, Mike–

NOBODY: [Stirs into consciousness.] …I’m not Mike, I’m Nobody.

EVIL TY: I feel that I have indulged you for far too long, Mike. Now you listen to me. I entered this arrangement because I thought it would benefit the both of us. You said that you were different from the other Mikes, and I thought this meant you were capable of getting the job done. Instead, I had to rescue you from your own screw-up, and put a brand new Mike heart in your chest. Those don’t come cheap, by the way. There are far fewer Mikes to choose from these days, all thanks to you! I had to harvest this one from a fresh subject.

NOBODY: What happened to me, Ty? Why am I here?

EVIL TY: You’re going to have to tell me. The last I heard from you, you were traveling to the year 1980! I found you stuffed in a box with a bullet hole in your chest, with an owl, two pints of gravy, and my flimbobble stick! What happened? Was Helen Hartley, of all people, too formidable for you?

NOBODY: Uh. Helen. Helen Hartley shot me. And then I accidentally transported to the dropbox.

EVIL TY: You “accidentally transported to the dropbox.” [Laughs. Then, deadpan.] I noticed. I was able to intercept the transport and bring you here. I had to bribe one of the Tracing guys in order to find you. That wasn’t cheap, either. So I suppose, in a way, you’re lucky that your plan didn’t work out. The Compound is still here. I still have the technology to resuscitate you. You’re welcome.

NOBODY: You were in 1980, Ty. You were friends with Helen.

EVIL TY: Ah! I was friends. Friends– Is that so much of a surprise? I thought you said that you work for the C.O.A. I don’t know what kind of training they gave you at that place, but apparently they didn’t bring you up to speed. Yes, I was at O.V.E.R. in the year 1980.

NOBODY: You and Helen have the Calculator. In 1980. We have to issue a correction. They don’t know what they’re doing.

EVIL TY: [Chuckles.] Yes. And don’t you know what that feels like. I agree that something must be done. A calculator sent back that far into the past could cause untold damage, especially if it gets into the hands of governments. But we will not be issuing a correction. I was generous enough to bring you back to life, but that is where my generosity ends. I will be taking care of all operations from here on out. Your services are surplus to requirements.

NOBODY: You can’t tell me what to do, I don’t work for you.

EVIL TY: Oh, yes, you don’t work for me, but you will be taking this order from me. You do not have a choice in the matter, you will not be meddling in my plans from here on out.

NOBODY: We need to talk to Anne about this. Uh–! C.O.A. will get this sorted out, no problem.

EVIL TY: I am not entertaining compromises at this juncture, Mike, that ship has sailed.

NOBODY: Okay, then you’re gonna let me go back to C.O.A., and we’ll just pretend this never happened.

EVIL TY: Of course not. I do not have a long-term solution in mind yet… but I might turn you back over to the C.O.A. for a price, depending on how valuable you are. But there is some recently vacated room in Storage with your name on it.

NOBODY: What!? N-No! Ty. You can’t do that. A-After everything I did for you? Okay, I messed up once. But I– I-I’m Storage-proof. You know that. You can’t stick me in there.

EVIL TY: I know that you’re Storage-proof. Don’t worry, this is not a permanent solution. I would never do such a thing. I’m not as callous as you are, Mike. Your stay in Storage will give you some time to think about what you’ve done.

NOBODY: You– You can’t do this, Ty. I– I’m gonna call Anne. I-I’m gonna get out of here, and you–

[Nobody blinks out of existence.]

EVIL TY: Hmm? [Chuckles.] Excellent. That is a wonderful sign indeed. It appears that my problems are taking care of themselves. I just need to check the other Mikes, and we can confi–

[Nobody blinks back in.]

EVIL TY: Oh, dammit.

NOBODY: What… is happening. You… skipped forward.

EVIL TY: No, you nitwit. I didn’t skip forward, you “blinked.” You temporarily ceased existing, and… now you’re back. Unfortunately.

NOBODY: So, uh, I got corrected? What–? You… corrected me?

EVIL TY: In a sense, yes. But I haven’t done it yet. That’s a marvelous bellwether for my plans, though.

NOBODY: You’re e-erasing me. This is some sort of consolidation strike?

EVIL TY: Oh, don’t take it personally, Mike. The Compound has been working on an exciting advancement, and I am going to be the first to use it. That’s why I had you investigate the Greenhouse. You found the activation switch that I need in order to operate it by myself.

NOBODY: I don’t understand. W-What was that thing that I found?

EVIL TY: I don’t particularly need you to understand. The gist is that we have developed a technology that will allow me to strike unwanted actors from the timeline… in a much more efficient way. I believe that you and your ilk call it a “connectivity strike.”

NOBODY: But I am connected to Mike Walters. Are you going to get rid of every Mike?

EVIL TY: Ah! That is what is so groundbreaking about the technology, Mike. It isn’t just you! It is a superweapon capable of taking out whole organizations. So, say that I dropped this weapon on O.V.E.R. circa… 1980. That would solve a lot of problems for me. …A very big lot of problems. And if it works there, then we can use it elsewhere… C.O.A., perhaps.

NOBODY: You’re being serious with me right now. You’re going to erase Anne.

EVIL TY: If they are unwilling to cooperate with us, then yes. This has always been a life-or-death situation, Mike. Don’t shy away because someone actually got the upper hand for once. But C.O.A. are wise beyond their years, they know how and when to compromise.

NOBODY: Okay, then why did I blink out of existence just now? If you haven’t used it yet?

EVIL TY: Because I’m going to use it in the past, in 1980. It seems like there’s a high likelihood that I’ll be successful. It isn’t well understood, but you have experienced what is called an “intentionality ripple.” I’m going to use the weapon and erase you, but I haven’t done that yet because the instigating action happens in the future. But I’m going to perform the attack in the past. Both timelines exist in a sort of… superposition until the deed is actually done. It is not a guarantee of success, but it is an excellent sign of things to come.

NOBODY: Who all is going to get erased?

EVIL TY: All of O.V.E.R., Base… anyone involved in your little Calculator snafu, that’s for sure. A lot of… annoying pieces will be off the board. Hopefully once and for all.

NOBODY: This is half-baked, Ty. Don’t you… like the Mikes? Like, isn’t working with them the whole point of your existence in the Compound?

EVIL TY: [Quietly chuckles.] Mike. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. You must have me confused with another Ty. I don’t particularly care what happens to you or to any of the Mikes. You’re not gonna be able to pull at my heartstrings.

NOBODY: Fuck your heartstrings. Anne isn’t going to take this lying down, and O.I. won’t, either. They’ve got their own Mikes.

EVIL TY: You let me worry about negotiating with the other organizations, don’t you worry your pretty, little head about that. After all, hopefully you’ll be long gone by then. Ah, Fe, are you ready to send Mike here into Storage?

FELIX [over the intercom]: Storage? …Ty, I– [Stammers.] I don’t believe that this Mike has a Storage location assigned to him.

EVIL TY: There should be some empty spots from the subjects that Mikey has been interviewing. You can place him in any of those.

FELIX [over the intercom]: But… But why would they be empty? I– I’ve been reading Mikey’s interviews with those subjects.

EVIL TY: That’s the trouble, Fe, he’s been faking those interviews… Now please, if you wouldn’t mind, please remove this Mike into Storage, thank you.

FELIX [over the intercom, reluctant]: This… Are you– Are you sure about doing this, Ty? Something feels… off. …Which Mike even is this?

EVIL TY: Felix. It is not your place to decide what “feels off.” Place this Mike Walters into Storage, it is your job.

FELIX [over the intercom]: [Huffs.] As you wish. Transporting Mike into Storage in three… two… one…

[Time travel noise.]

EVIL TY: Thank you, Fe. Sorry to be harsh with you, but I cannot tolerate insubordination at this moment… You do understand.

FELIX [over the intercom]: I, um… I guess I do.

EVIL TY: And, Fe? I know that you are already duty-bound to not report the actions of Tys to each other, but… I want you to be especially aware of that in this instance. Do you understand?

FELIX [over the intercom]: …Yes, I am aware of my responsibilities.

EVIL TY: Did you blink out of existence for a moment earlier?

FELIX [over the intercom]: No… No, I don’t think so. If I did, I didn’t notice.

EVIL TY: Excellent. I wanted to make sure.

[Laminate plays.]

Identity is only a worry if
You need to know who i am
I’ve gone to such great lengths
To render that irrelevant
Elsewhere I’m famous for my wit
I’m sure I’ll bury you in it
Coax you right out of your skin
Begin to laminate
The superficial parts of you
I’ll gladly iron out

In time
Illusory as it is
I will clench you in my fist
And I’ll be praised for it
In time
Not so easy to dismiss
I will rise above the din
While I push you into it

You will be grateful

The noxious cloud that hovers overhead
Will only bother you if you bother it
It’s just as scared of you
As you are intelligent so
Elsewhere I’m famous for my wit
But here and now I’ll bury it
Keep walking straight, ignore the rain
Begin to laminate

The fragile precious parts of you
You can’t afford to drown

In time
Illusory as it is
I will clench you in my fist
And I’ll be proud of it
In time
Not so easy to dismiss
I will rise above the din
While I push you into it

You will be grateful

I once had
A hatred
That turned to a fever
I won’t be
The one who
Is burning

Cause now that
You’re grateful
There’s no need
To spit and rave
And tear apart our flesh
We’ll always who’s next

Take a number get in line
You can’t afford to wait

In time
Illusory as it is
I will clench you in my fist
And then I’ll wash my hands of it
In time
Not so easy to dismiss
I will rise above the din
While I rub your nose in it

You will be grateful

[Scene transition.]

[Outdoor ambience and the sound of a golf cart driving.]

CHARLIE: Oh, wow! So this is where you work, Chris? You get to be here all the time? It’s so beautiful. Marissa, have you ever been out here before? We should take a picnic sometime.

MARISSA: Yeah, well, I didn’t even know this place fuckin’ existed until today, cause Ty’s kept me playing nursemaid to his fuckin’ Supernuke… Joke’s on you, though, Chris! Cause I get to actually go outside to the real world and touch some real grass. And, sometimes, I get to blow that grass up. Hey, Chris! What’s it like to not have any fun?

CHANCE: Hey. The grass is real! It’s the same grass as the real outside, that’s why it’s in here. And unlike the real outside, I can lock the door so that no one can get in and spy on us.

MARISSA: Oh! Yeah. Unless someone asked you to leave the keys, right? …Anyway, it’s too late for that! The whole fuckin’ circus is in town, and they’re stuck in here with us… But, uh, did we really have to bring her?

HELEN: You don’t even know me!

MARISSA: Okay, look. No offense, but I know your son, and he’s a real piece of shit, alright? Do you realize that he’s killed every single one of us here at some point? Do you know how embarrassing it is to get killed by someone who talks like that? [Hunter impression.] “Why, hello there! My name’s Hunter J. Hartley, and I wouldn’t recognize a good employee if they ran me over with a golf cart. Don’t make me mad now, or I might just overreact, and explode you with my mind!”

CHARLIE: Woah, chill out there, Sunshine. Helen didn’t do any of that, it’s not her fault. And… Hunter killed her long before he killed any of us, remember? And he doesn’t sound like that. He sounds like this: [Hunter impression.] “Oh, hi, there. It is me, Hunter Jeremiah Hartley, your old pal there, Mikey! I might believe you should be dead for killin’ my ma, but I do have to say, Marissa should’ve gotten the promotion over me. She’s a much better employee.” [Pause. Drops impression.] Or something like that! [Brief laugh.]

HELEN: Are you saying Jerry’s going to kill me? …I-I don’t believe you! I think this is just some sort of ploy to rattle me.

MARISSA: Lady, if I was gonna make shit up to rattle you, I’d pick something more interesting, trust me. Look, if it makes you feel any better, it was to help him win at an online game.

CHARLIE: It’s more complicated than that. And that’s according to him, remember? We can’t be sure what he really did.

HELEN: I don’t understand. Why would he kill me?

CHANCE: Well, technically, you were already dead. He brought you back to life using the game, and then the game told him to kill you, so… he did. Wait, guys, why are we telling her all of this? This is literally the mother of all propagation risks.

HELEN: That’s… terrible. Why would he do something so awful?

MARISSA: Video games, am I right, moms? …If you really wanna know, though, go ask Mikey. He’s the only one of us who’s actually played WOE.BEGONE.

HELEN: So, if Mikey played WOE.BEGONE, did… Nobody play WOE.BEGONE?

CHANCE: Probably? I mean, he’s just an iteration of Mikey.

HELEN: …So he knew.

MARISSA: Yeah, I don’t see how he would have gotten out of it, though. …Is this far enough into the woods for you, Chris? Is there any chance of us getting spied on out here?

CHANCE: I think we should be good here. Uh, you can pull over wherever. Just, please, don’t drive us into the river this time.

MARISSA: Oh! Well… I wasn’t thinkin’ about it before, but, uh…

CHARLIE: [Huffs.] No! Marissa… Seriously, babe. Please, no, I don’t wanna get my hair wet. You know how it is, it gets all frizzy, and then it takes me forever to comb out, and I don’t wanna deal with that.

MARISSA: Okay, okay, I got it… Everyone say, “Thank you, Charlie! You’re the only reason that we’re not takin’ a dip in the fuckin’ river right now.”

HELEN: I don’t understand why you want to.

MARISSA: I’m just built different.

CHANCE: Helen, this is really in-character for her. No one should be surprised.

MARISSA: Though that’s why you love me. Right, babe?

CHARLIE: Yes, that is one of the many reasons why I love you.

MARISSA: Hehe…

[The sound of the golf cart motor fades out.]

MARISSA: Alright, chucklefucks! Gather around, and lemme see your war faces! We have some very special guests in the Compound with us tonight, and it’s gonna take all hands on deck to throw them the best welcome party this place has every seen.

MIKEY: All hands on deck? …Where’s MW?

MARISSA: Don’t look at me, he’s not my kid.

MICHAEL: I ain’t his dad.

MIKEY: Did someone send out a message about this? I only knew about it because Edgar was going.

MIKE: You need to turn on alerts in the group chat, Mikey.

MICHAEL: Hush up, y’all. We got a meetin’ to attend.

EDGAR: Ty knows the most about what’s going on. I think he should get us started. Ty?

TY: Thank you, Edgar. Uh, Marissa is correct, we have an emergency. There is a malefactor among the Tys.

TROY: Uh, what’s a… malevolent?

MICHAEL: I’m pretty sure it’s a podcast.

EDGAR: He means “a bad guy,” Troy.

TROY: Oh, right. Right, right, right.

TY: This rogue Ty Betteridge is at large, and poses a dire risk to both the Compound and to Base. We need to find him and his allies, and root them out immediately.

EDGAR: When we checked the camera footage, we noticed there was an iteration of Mikey who snuck into the Greenhouse after-hours. That wasn’t you, was it, babe?

MIKEY: No, it was probably Nobody.

HELEN: Nobody was… here. In this place that’s run by… Ty.

TY: “Run by Ty” might be a bit of an overstatement.

MIKEY: Oh, boy, was Nobody ever here. He barged in, and started trashing the place, and he was taking iterations out of Storage and putting some chip in them that won’t let them go back in? That’s why I had to get Stinky out of here. He was going to die in Storage, because he wasn’t getting stored.

MARISSA: Right, right. Like taking a duvet out of vacuum storage.

EDGAR: Is Stinky the iteration that was eating potato chips in our closet last night?

MIKEY: You heard that?

EDGAR [lighthearted]: You’re not as sly as you think you are.

MICHAEL: We captured that stinky varmint, and handed him back over to Tex for the time bein’. Stinky’s his responsibility. Let him take care of that while we take care o’ this.

MARISSA: I don’t get it. You’re all stinky. Why does he get the nickname?

CHANCE: Do you get a vote? I say we call all of you Stinky.

CHARLIE [giggling]: Seconded.

MICHAEL: I ain’t no Stinky, pard. And if’n you got a problem with that, you can talk to my six-shooter.

MARISSA: Yeah, alright. Settle down, big daddy stinker. Anyway, rocket launcher beats a revolver every time.

CHARLIE: Michael. Do I have to keep telling you? You’re not that scary.

MICHAEL: I ain’t scary to you, cause you ain’t got nothin’ to be scared of, Bluebird.

MIKEY: Can we get a moratorium on rocket launchers until the end of this conversation, please?

CHANCE: I’ve told her to stop carrying that with her so many times. She wouldn’t listen.

BABY TY: It says “replica” on the back of it.

MIKEY: I forgot that we had two Tys. Aren’t you… supposed to not, like, be in the same room with each other, or talk to each other? Stuff like that?

TY: Ah, this duplicate of me doesn’t work at the Compound. It is acceptable to speak to him while we ascertain this threat.

MICHAEL: And that thing ain’t a replica, pilgrim. I know, cause I… Uh, let’s say I– I know the guy what sold it to ’em. He’s a… damn handsome cowboy.

MARISSA: How about it, Baby Ty? You wanna test it out?

BABY TY: I’ll have you know that I’m a full-grown adult. And just as capable as this wrinkly “iteration” of me, or whatever it is that you called it.

TY: A “timeline duplicate.” And I am not wrinkly. I dare you to find someone my age with a better skincare routine.

MICHAEL: I’m takin’ Ty’s side on this ‘un. Gotta respect your elders, pilgrim.

MARISSA: Ack! Don’t listen to ’em, Baby Ty. Look, you don’t have to respect Ty Betteridge for nothin’. Not even if you are Ty Betteridge. Just follow my lead, yeah?

MIKE: We kind of do have to respect Ty Betteridge today, at least nominally, because, uh, we need his help. From what I’ve gathered, it appears that Marissa’s Supernuke is connected to Chris’s Greenhouse. Nobody used the Greenhouse, and he is connected to Evil Ty. So we need to figure out what they want and how it’s all connected. Do I have that right?

BABY TY: I’m still not sure how Nobody is still alive. Helen shot him right in the chest, I saw the whole thing.

HELEN: Hey, that’s not what happened. 

TY: Ah. I’m sure that Evil Ty took care of that.

MARISSA: Oh, we’re calling him Evil Ty now? Is that allowed? What happened to [Ty impression.] “there’s no such thing as an Evil Ty,” huh?

MIKEY: Are– Are we doing Ty impressions now? [Ty impression.] “Uh, my– my flimbobble got wappergasted. Innit.”

TY: We don’t have time to assign them colors right now, Marissa. Evil Ty will have to do. But… since you asked, the top three most evil colors are mustard, vomit green, and ultra beige.

HELEN: You think that the other Ty and Walters… Nobody. I called Nobody “Walters.” Um. You think that they’re still in this place somewhere.

CHANCE: They should be. All the technology they wanna use is here, and they have to be here to use it.

EDGAR: How are we going to find them? The Compound is too large for us to search the whole thing.

CHANCE: Edgar’s right. And Evil Ty looks just like the other Tys. That’s how he was able to trick me.

HELEN: And Nobody looks just like the rest of you. His voice is different, but he definitely looks the same.

MIKEY: He could talk like me if he really needed to. It might kill him inside, but it’s just like– I could talk like Michael if I wanted to. [Michael impression.] “Howdy, pilgrim, I’m gonna… put on my boots, and I got a horse, and I’m a-gonna ride around on the horse.” [Drops impression.] We’re doing impressions today. I don’t know what’s up with that. But there are a lot of iterations that look exactly like me wandering around the Compound, it wouldn’t exactly be strange to see one. How many iterations of me are there, Ty? Like, a thousand? Ten thousand?

TY: [Brief chuckle.] It’s uncouth to divulge specific numbers.

MICHAEL: What Ty means is, that’s a whole dang buttload o’ Mikeys that this Nobody fella could be blendin’ in with.

MARISSA: Y’all bitches seem to be forgettin’ that we’ve got our own magical girl in our corner. Ten hundred thousand is whatever. Charlie will be able to scope out the Stinkys from the Nobodys, no problem.

CHARLIE: Aw! Thanks, Sunshine. She’s right, though, guys. I really think I could tell them apart.

MIKE: Well, let’s try to find ’em, then. I think that we should split up. We’ll choose some of the more likely locations, and start there. I know that’s not a great plan, but I don’t think we have anything else, do we? Maybe once we get out there, one of us will find a clue.

TROY: Okay, before we start running around the Matrix, I–

CHARLIE: “The Compound,” Troy.

TROY: Ri– Right. Before we start Compounding the Matrix… I, uh… I kinda need to use the bathroom.

MICHAEL: We’re outside, pard. Just go behind a tree.

TROY: I thought the trees here were fake, or like electricity, or something? I don’t want to– I don’t wanna get shocked, you know?

CHANCE: They’re real trees, Troy. They’re just like the trees outside, they can’t hurt you. …You know what, scratch that. You would find a way to get yourself hurt by a tree. But th– they’re normal, everyday trees.

TROY: Oh, okay, then. I mean… I don’t fully understand how we’re not really outside if those are outside trees, but… mostly, I guess I really have to pee? So I’m just gonna– Imma go do that.

CHARLIE: Just go, Troy!

TROY: Alright, alright, I– I’ll be back in a minute. I’ll be back in a minute.

[We hear Troy’s footsteps.]

MARISSA: Oh! Go ahead! Take your time, take your time…

[Troy’s footsteps fade away.]

MARISSA: …Alright, so he gets a two-minute head start before I start up with the rocket launcher.

CHARLIE: Marissa. That’s mean!

MARISSA: I was just kidding, babe! I was just kidding.

HELEN: …He’s not very bright. Cute, but that’s about it. You’re not gonna give him anything important to do, are you?

TY: I wouldn’t dream of giving him something important to do.

CHARLIE: Don’t worry about that, guys. As always, he’ll come with me. I’ll take care of him, just like I usually do. Right, Troy! You and I. Power team.

HELEN: You must have the patience of a saint.

CHARLIE: Hmph. Thanks. I, uh, get told that a lot, actually.

MARISSA: You’re welcome!

FELIX [over the intercom]: I watched the Mike iteration vanish. The duplicate Ty successfully uses [MIKEY: What is that? Intercom?] the weapon in the future, at least in one timeline, and he said that he’s going to do so from the Greenhouse. [TY: Is that… Felix? What’s he saying?] It’s in there! Y-You don’t have any idea what it could be?

EVIL TY [over the intercom]: None at all. [BABY TY: Is that us talking to someone?]

FELIX [over the intercom]: He kept saying that his name is Nobody. The other Ty had me put him in 118-39 in Storage.

[The broadcast continues in the background. For the breakdown of everything Felix and Evil Ty say, please see the next scene, beginning with the below Felix line.]

FELIX [over the intercom]: One last thing?

EDGAR: Why would Evil Ty put Nobody in Storage? I thought they were working together.

MIKEY: I guess they aren’t anymore, babe.

FELIX [over the intercom]: That, that was the wiring in the elevator shorting out, Ty.

MICHAEL: They must be in the Trunk.

MIKE: Why would he tamper with the elevator?

MIKEY: Because that’s Evil Ty.

MICHAEL: Does Felix know we’re in here, Ty?

FELIX [over the intercom]: Attention Greenhouse: 118-39. That’s 118-39. Please report to 118-39 immediately.

TY: 118-39. That’s a Storage location. That’s…

MIKE: …the next place we should go, I think. Okay, uh, we’ll split up. One team will go to 118-39, while the rest of us will–

[Everyone but Ty and Baby Ty blinks out of existence.]

BABY TY: What just happened? Ty! Where did everyone just go!?

TY: Oh, this is bad. Extremely bad. We are in superposition with a timeline where the others don’t exist! We’re effectively in that other timeline right now. That must be what Evil Ty is trying to accomplish! That must be what the Supernuke does!

BABY TY: Is… A-Are they… coming back?

TY: I think so. …But eventually, things are going to turn from intermittent to permanent. This is what they’re working on, they’re trying to erase everyone from the timeline.

BABY TY: And that Nobody fellow is helping the other one of us with all of this? Why?

TY: Because you cocked things up royally back in 1980. If you hadn’t instigated things with Nobody, then this never would have happened.

BABY TY: Instigated? All I did was–

TY: Steal a Calculator from him, and then transport him back into the present. I know damn well what you did.

BABY TY: How do you know that?

TY: Because I remember it, you nitwit, we are the same person. And the longer you’re here, the more of my past is in jeopardy– Did you never watch “The Five Doctors“–!? Oh, okay. It hasn’t happened yet, that happens in 1983. …Well, I’m getting you out of here. Prepare for transport.

BABY TY: Transport? Where are you sending me? And… what do you mean, five Doctors?

TY: Somewhere that keeps you from mucking about in the timeline. Don’t worry, you’ll be safe.

BABY TY: Safe? Wha–? Where are you sending me? A-Are you sending me back to 1980?

TY: Oh, heaven’s no. There’s a lot of cleanup to be done there, and you shouldn’t be anywhere near it. Goodbye, Ty. I’ll inevitably see you as you become me. The long way round. Transporting in three, two, [BABY TY: Wait! Where are–] one…

[Time travel noise.]

[We hear the others blink back into existence. Multiple people’s voices overlap momentarily.]

MARISSA [overlapping]: Oh! Woah! Woah!

CHARLIE [overlapping]: Is that what time travel feels like? I hated that.

MIKEY [overlapping]: Woah, where, who, what, where?

HELEN [overlapping]: …What the hell was that!?

CHANCE: What the fuck was that!? Did you see Ty disappear?

CHARLIE: That was so weird! What the hell!?

MARISSA: Was that the Supernuke?

HELEN: Ty? Where is Ty? Has anyone seen Ty? My Ty.

TY: Everyone, please remain calm! I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but all of you briefly ceased existing.

CHANCE: Oh! Briefly stopped existing! Cool. Not alarmed by that at all, Ty. That’s totally cool with me.

MARISSA: Did the Supernuke go off?

TY: Since you all returned to existence after only a few moments, I would say that it has not. But Evil Ty has the intention to do so, and the ability to make it happen. The Supernuke detonating is something that does happen in a future.

EDGAR: We disappeared as a result of intentionality? Is that what you’re saying?

TY: I believe so, yes… I did not disappear, I suppose I’m too strongly connected to Evil Ty. He couldn’t erase me without erasing himself.

HELEN: Where’s the Ty I came here with? Did he “get erased,” or whatever?

TY: I’m afraid so. His connectivity to the rest of us must be looser than mine. As to why he didn’t return when the rest of you did, I’m not sure. Intentionality is not a well-understood phenomenon. We still aren’t sure that it actually exists, we could be measuring and observing something else entirely.

MICHAEL: Could the rest of us get picked off in these here blinks? Is it gonna happen again?

TY: It’s possible. We need to act fast.

MIKE: Hey, uh, guys? I just got a text from Bluster? Uh, he says there has been a, quote, “service interruption down in Texas, if’n you know what I mean,” and then a horse with a cowboy hat winking emoji? I… didn’t know that there was a horse with a cowboy hat winking emoji. Uh, he said that they’re all back now but that Stinky says he didn’t blink.

HELEN: Who is Bluster? Who’s Stinky!? How do we get my Ty back? I told him that I would kick his ass in heaven if anything happened to us coming here, and he… he better not get there before me.

MICHAEL: Bluster’s a horse, and Stinky’s a Mikey.

MIKEY: And Ty Betteridge is not going to heaven.

MIKE: If Stinky didn’t blink, then we need to get to the bottom of this. He could be the key to figuring everything out. Or at least a way for us to combat Evil Ty.

MIKEY: This is a connectivity thing, right? Is Stinky not connected to us?

MARISSA: Would not a Mikey by any other name still smell as stinky?

EDGAR: I call Mikey “Stinky” all the time.

MIKEY [through clenched teeth]: Not the time for that, Panther.

MIKE: So, we’re not just stabbing in the dark anymore, right? We’ll send one group out to Storage, one group stays here in the Greenhouse to look for clues, and one goes to Texas.

TY: Mikey, you’re in charge of Storage interviews. Would you like to come with me to interrogate Nobody?

MIKEY: Yeah, I can do that. Uh… Can Edgar… come with us? Uh… I’m not gonna lie, I just… had to reckon with my own eventual nonexistence, and I would like, uh… someone… w-with me…

EDGAR: Of course I’ll come with you, Mikey Bear. Don’t worry. You’re safe with me.

CHARLIE: Troy and I can go to Texas. It’d actually be really nice to see them all again.

MARISSA: Oh! Well, then. Looks like me and my rocket launcher are going with my best girl.

CHARLIE: [Giggles.] My hero.

MIKE: I’ll go with you guys. Uh, where is Troy?

TROY: [Distant.] I’m back! [Grunts, and starts walking closer.] I’m back. Sorry, sorry. …I went to the bathroom, and I… got a little lost.

MIKEY: Troy, you were gone for, like, 10 minutes.

MICHAEL: Maybe it was a difficult piss, pilgrim.

CHARLIE: Troy. …Your shoes are wet.

TROY: I-I know they’re wet. See, what happened is, I was peeing, and I got a little bit on my shoe, and so I walked into the river… to… try to– I don’t know, I was tryin’ to dry it off, and it didn’t work, and then I got them more wet cause I thought maybe nobody would notice? And– But now I’m telling you, so– I-I don’t know, I’m back. Just fuckin’ ignore it, let’s keep going.

CHARLIE: You missed the plan, goofy! We’re going to Texas.

TROY: Oh, okay. What’s, uh, what’s in Texas?

CHARLIE: Stinky, apparently.

MICHAEL: And that leaves me, Helen, and Chris, don’t it?

CHANCE: Yep! We will hang back here and see if we can figure out why Evil Ty wanted into the Greenhouse. I’m sure we can find something in here.

TY: Right. We’re off to Storage. Good luck, everyone.

CHARLIE: See you all when we get back from Texas. Stay safe.

MICHAEL: Alright, Greenhouse team. Let’s load up in the cart, and move out!

[Scene transition.]

FELIX: Ah! Ty. …Thank you so much for coming. There’s something that we need to discuss.

EVIL TY: Of course, Fe! You made it sound quite urgent in your message. What’s the problem?

FELIX: There’s something that requires our immediate attention. And I have prepared… this. Just in case it’s necessary.

[We hear Ty flip through some pages.]

EVIL TY: Uh, this… [Brief laugh.] this is a letter of resignation, Felix. What’s this all about? You’re not quitting, are you?

FELIX: Yes, this is my letter of resignation. [Clicks tongue.] I’m sorry it’s had to come to this, Ty, but I’m about to break the cardinal rule of being your assistant. And I know that insubordination of this caliber is completely unacceptable and punishable by… termination. But this is important. More important than my job here, I’m sure of it.

EVIL TY: Felix, what is going on? What’s the matter? This isn’t like you.

FELIX: [Sighs.] I, um… I saw something. I, um… I witnessed one of the other Tys… doing… Well… I know it’s entirely forbidden for me to relay information about one Ty to another, but I cannot keep quiet about this. This Ty is putting the whole operation in jeopardy, and– and there might not be any other Tys left if he’s successful.

EVIL TY: My, Felix. That is a serious infraction indeed. Are you sure that you want to do this? It’s not too late to change your mind.

FELIX: Ty, there– there is… a Ty inside the Compound who is planning to use one of our weapons to completely erase O.V.E.R., and Base along with it. Specifically, it appears that anyone involved at O.V.E.R. during their time travel acquisition period is going to be removed. …So there we are. …The Rubicon is crossed. It is now too late to change my mind.

EVIL TY: That does sound serious. Are you sure that you heard correctly? The Tys Betteridge all constitute a single person. I don’t see how one of them could be so out of line as to attempt something like that.

FELIX: I saw it with my own eyes, Ty. He had a… weird iteration of Mike Walters with him, and… he sort of briefly vanished due to the effects of the weapon? If he successfully activates it, it appears that all of the Mikes will be gone from this timeline. And some of the Tys, too, from the sound of it. If it works for them, I-I’m just not sure the Compound would be anything we’d recognize.

EVIL TY: Why report it to me, then? Why not to Kaz? You wouldn’t be breaking protocol, and he could put a lid on all of this.

FELIX: Oh, I don’t trust Kaz any more than you do. He’s proven perfectly willing to liquidate all of the Tys in other timelines. And, well, you’re the one in charge of the Greenhouse. The other Ty said there was some sort of… activation switch inside of the Greenhouse… that would allow him to access the weapon by himself.

EVIL TY: Hmm… I don’t know what that could possibly mean. I am familiar with every inch of the Greenhouse. If there were something like that hidden in there, I would be the first to know about it. I would have been the one to approve of it.

FELIX: N– [Huffs.] I watched the Mike iteration vanish. The duplicate Ty successfully uses the weapon in the future, at least in one timeline, and he said that he’s going to do so from the Greenhouse. It’s in there! Y-You don’t have any idea what it could be?

EVIL TY: None at all. I must say, Felix, I am disappointed in you. I’m sorry that you thought this was worth this insubordination, but you are wrong. This is something that could have been sorted out in many other ways. Assuming, of course, that it isn’t a mere misunderstanding.

FELIX: You can ask the Mike iteration himself. He kept saying that his name is Nobody. The other Ty had me put him in 118-39 in Storage. We can go there; ask him!

EVIL TY: You won’t be doing any such thing. I don’t know what has gotten into you, but it is dangerous. Don’t you see how this information could propagate? A lot of people could get hurt.

FELIX: Oh, don’t be so dismissive, Ty. Just think! Please, just–! [Huffs in frustration.] Have you seen anything in the Greenhouse that matches the description?

EVIL TY: Felix. I accept your letter of resignation. You are dismissed, goodbye.

FELIX: Well, Ty… [Pause.] One last thing?

[Small popping sound.]

EVIL TY: What was that?

FELIX: What was… that? Oh… That, that was the wiring in the elevator shorting out, Ty. Cause you’re stuck down here with me. I’m buying some good people some time.

EVIL TY: Don’t be petty, Fe, you’re the one who risked your job.

FELIX: My job? …What’s in the Greenhouse, Ty?

EVIL TY: Why in the world would I tell you that?

FELIX: Because you aren’t going anywhere. Not anymore.

EVIL TY: So you did know. I dare say you’ve underestimated me. Was that the entire plan? To trap me down here in the Trunk with you, forever? Because you’ve got to leave sometime, and when I get out, I’m finishing the job.

FELIX: Eh. Not if there isn’t a job there for you to finish. [Into the intercom.] Attention Greenhouse: 118-39. That’s 118-39. Please report to 118-39 immediately. [Back to Evil Ty.] Oh, Ty… I’m sure Nobody will be happy to cooperate with them after you jammed him in Storage like that. I-If you won’t tell me where the activation switch is, then I’m sure Nobody will tell them. You’re done.

EVIL TY: [Laughs.] We’ll see about that, won’t we?

FELIX: Standard-issue Ty threats. What does that even mean?

EVIL TY: I am changing my intention.

FELIX: Changing your intention? Changing i–

[Felix blinks out of existence.]

EVIL TY: Excellent. I guess your plan wasn’t foolproof after all, Felix. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

[Evil Ty presses the elevator button, and whistles “You Are My Sunshine” as he enters, the doors closing behind him.]

[Felix blinks back in.]

FELIX: Oh, bloody hell, I hope that gave them enough time…

[Scene transition.]

[Outdoor ambience.]

MICHAEL: Y’all find anything over there?

CHANCE: What did Nobody say that we’re looking for again?

MICHAEL: Accordin’ to the text that I got from Mikey, we’re lookin’ for a valve what turns the river off, and then some kinda activation switch underneath the river.

HELEN: All I’ve found is a bunch of bugs and weeds. …Someone’s going to end up with a parasite. You know, I’ve had a tapeworm before. It wasn’t pleasant.

CHANCE: I mean, it’s not like we could call up the Cutting Grass guys, and get them to mow the forest.

MICHAEL: But you can install a valve that controls the river. That don’t feel natural to me.

CHANCE: I mean, the Greenhouse isn’t infinitely large. It has to end somewhere. Which means that the river has to end at the edge of the dome, and the water has to come in from somewhere, hence the valve.

MICHAEL: Hence the valve, what you don’t know where it is, Mr. Game Warden.

CHANCE: Not my job. Every time I’ve been out here, the river’s already been flowing. Everything’s been in [Ty impression.] “perfect verisimilitude.”

MICHAEL: You’ve been quiet a minute, Helen. Everything going okay over there?

HELEN: Yeah. Um… Yeah, I guess so. …I’ve just been thinking about how my son is going to kill me, and how he killed all of you. …Some light ruminating, you could say. Really makes you… question your choices you’ve made as a parent.

CHANCE: I mean, if it helps, that’s really more Mikey’s thing? Like, we had a huge fight over it, but… it’s mostly over now. Last time we heard from Hunter, he actually helped us win the showdown in the Shadow Dome. Troy will not shut up about the tater tot hotdish he made for everyone at the command center.

HELEN: That’s funny. I make those for him when he’s sick. God… I get the impression that you all are always involved in something.

MICHAEL: We try to stay in as much trouble as possible, if’n we can help it.

HELEN: I don’t think I have room to criticize. The whole reason Ty and I ended up here is because I stole literal time travel technology from Walters.

MICHAEL: It’s cute how you call ‘im Walters.

HELEN: [Brief chuckle.] He wanted to be called Nobody. But… it’s not exactly a good nickname? It’s too confusing, and it’s definitely copying the Odyssey.

MICHAEL: Agreed. That un’s a little shit. But he’s leadin’ us right to the killswitch on this thing, so… I guess I appreciate the change o’ heart.

HELEN: Being locked up by your associate will do that to you.

CHANCE: [Brief laugh.] Are you speaking from experience, Helen?

HELEN: I may have gotten into a couple scrapes in my day.

CHANCE: Your day being 1980?

HELEN [cutely]: Maybe.

CHANCE: I guess you are Hunter’s mom after all.

MICHAEL: You wanna regale us with a tale, Helen?

HELEN: Well, [Sighs.] the worst I ever got hurt wasn’t even in a fight. It was right after I moved to North Dakota. I’d… never ridden a horse before, but there was this guy that I really wanted to impress. And, long story short, I fell off of the horse, and ended up in the hospital, and… well, we’re married now.

MICHAEL: I can relate, pilgrim. I’ve also fallen off a horse tryin’ to impress my boyfriend.

CHANCE: Uh, do we have another person joining the cowboy club? Fine! What– What do we go with, Outlaw Helen? Does that have a ring to it?

MICHAEL: No, sir, uh, Tex has already got his Outlaw Ty. How’s about, uh, Helen “The Devil” Hartley?

HELEN: Oh… Umm… No. Thank you… Bit blasphemous, that.

CHANCE: How ’bout Helen… “The Reverend” Hartley?

HELEN: I like that much better. Thank you, Chris.

MICHAEL: I’m still partial to “The Devil.” You really bite into that word. “The Devil.”

HELEN [cowboy voice]: Well y’ain’t the one gettin’ to choose, are ya?

CHANCE: [Sighs.] There it is.

MICHAEL: Well, then, Helen. By the power invested in me what from bein’ a cowboy for so long, I hereby pronounce you Helen “The Reverend” Hartley. So you’re gonna need some cowboy flair. So I also hereby bestow this here cowboy hat upon you.

HELEN: Oh, Michael. That’s… That’s much too generous. I saw how much the cowboy hats cost in the O.V.E.R. gift shop, and this one seems much nicer!

MICHAEL: Oh, I can iterate another ‘un, no problem.

HELEN: Oh, right… I forget that you can just make duplicates of anything you want.

CHANCE: Iterations, not duplicates. That’s important. Ty says “duplicates.”

HELEN: Ty’s my friend…

CHANCE: Baby Ty is your friend, you mean. He’s not as pleasant to be around once he grows up, let me tell ya.

MICHAEL: Ty’s like one of them Muscovy ducks that start out cute as chicks, and then grow up all ugly-like. But you ain’t gotta worry about that for a long time, Helen. …Uh, Helen? Whatcha lookin’ at?

HELEN: Chris, is that ridge there… normal? Is it in the outside version of the forest, I mean. It looks manmade. It’s too round.

CHANCE: It… doesn’t look familiar. I think I would remember that.

HELEN: Hey, Michael. Do you have something to dig with?

MICHAEL: I got a multitool. It ain’t much, but it can move a little dirt.

[We hear some digging.]

MICHAEL: Alright, let’s see what we got here… Oh, would ya look at that! [Stops digging.] Whaddaya know, Helen! This here looks like it’s a– a water main. I bet this goes all the way to the valve we’re lookin’ for.

CHANCE: Awesome! So now, all we have to do is follow the ridge, and turn off the valve.

HELEN: And dig around in the riverbed looking for a switch that we don’t know the appearance of, and figure out… how to destroy it, and doing all of that before Evil Ty shows up and starts causing problems…

MICHAEL: That ain’t our only problem, cause, uh, we could blink–

[They blink out of existence.]

[Scene transition.]

TROY: Alright, everybody! Watch out. There is a giant horse roamin’ around these parts, and he likes to eat my shirts. So if you see him, fuckin’ defend me, cause this is my favorite shirt.

MIKE: Troy, do you mean Bluster? Bluster’s totally safe. He wouldn’t hurt you. He wouldn’t hurt a fly!

TROY: Ah– A-Alright, listen. I’m… not a fly, Papa Mike? I’m Troy, I’m an adult boy, okay? And Bluster is not one of the Troy Boys, so him and I have beef permanently. And, again, this is my favorite– this is my favorite shirt, so I’m stressin’. I need y’all to– I– [Charlie giggles. Troy groans.]

CHARLIE: Bluster wouldn’t hurt a Troy, either.

MARISSA: You know, Troy… the horse can’t get to your shirt if you just… take it off.

CHARLIE: Marissa! Troy! Put your shit back on.

MARISSA: What! It just makes sense.

MIKE: Yes, let’s all keep our shirts on.

MARISSA: Don’t sweat it, Troy, I’ve got your back. If anyone comes at us, I’ve got my trusty rocket launcher. They won’t stand a chance.

MIKE: You aren’t going to shoot Bluster with the rocket launcher. Tex would go ballistic.

MARISSA: Oh, my god, fine… But that fucking bear better hope I don’t see him again while I’m here. I’ve killed him once, I’ll do it again! And this time, I got a rocket launcher.

CHARLIE: [Brief laugh.] No, you aren’t going to shoot a bear with a rocket launcher, babe. We’re on important business, and this is important work. Also, that would make a big mess.

MARISSA: What about after the important business?

CHARLIE: Okay, fine. Maybe after the important business.

MARISSA: Yes!

TROY: [Sighs.] I’m glad I’m not a bear, cause I hate getting shot with a rocket launcher.

MARISSA: Troy, just out of curiosity, have you ever been… shot with a rocket launcher before?

TROY: No. But I hate it.

CHARLIE: [Laughs.] Okay. No, let’s– let’s just go inside before any rockets get launched, please.

MIKE: Yeah, I’m with Charlie. “Rocket launcher” doesn’t sound like a word anymore.

[We hear them knock on the door. Tex answers.]

TEX: Howdy, folks. Glad y’all could make it. …If you could, uh, please not point that at me, Marissa, that’d be much appreciated.

MARISSA: Ugh! Fine! Everyone’s being so weird about the rocket launcher.

TEX: You can set it down right there ’til we’re done talkin’.

CHARLIE: I’ll always love you, Sunshine. Rocket launcher or no rocket launcher.

MARISSA: Alright. Bye, Rocket Launcher. Be on your best behavior ’til I get back, okay?

OUTLAW: Howdy, y’all! Seems like we’re all in the same predicament together, ain’t we?

MIKE: I assume that all of you also blinked out of existence?

TEX: We been blinkin’ on and off like a dang lightbulb, pard.

OUTLAW: ‘Cept for Stinky. He ain’t blinkin’.

TEX: Naw, he ain’t. And he’s the only one.

MDAWG: And that is why we called you. Bad vibes are coming our way, and Tex owes us all a long-overdue explanation about Stinky.

TEX: And while you’re here, I’m hopin’ you can fill us in on this whole Nobody hootenanny.

TROY: Yeah! The– The others went to go find the hootin’… hoot… the– the nanny. Uh. We split up and came here, and they’re going to the Storage locker to get him. They think he can help with the blink.

MARISSA: Alright, long story short, the Compound is building a Supernuke with the super, special, funky-fresh ability of “fuck you specifically in every universe you’ve ever existed in forever.” Nobody was working with an evil iteration of Ty (that is an extra evil iteration) to steal the Supernuke and use it for themselves, but it looks like Evil Ty is done playing with his toy Nobody. His intentionality, or whatever it is, is why we keep blinking in and out of existence.

TROY: Mm-hmm. And I was in the bathroom when it happened.

MIKE: And since we’re trying to prevent a Supernuke from going off, it’s pretty inconvenient that we keep blinking out of existence.

TEX: We’re lucky we got Stinky, then. He ain’t goin’ nowhere. Ain’t that right, Stinky?

STINKY: I… I guess… so? I-I mean, it’s not like I’m choosing to do anything, I-I’m just, uh…

MDAWG: Vibing.

STINKY: Thank you, MDawg. I’m vibing.

MIKE: So, why isn’t Stinky affected? Felix leaked as much information to us as he could, and it seemed like a full connectivity strike, which would mean… all of the Mikes, right?

MARISSA: Sounds like we’re all royally fucked if we don’t stop it, so… what makes this Stinky dipshit stinkier than the rest of yous, anyway?

TEX: Well, this Stinky dipshit ain’t connected to us, for one.

TROY: Wait, so Stinky isn’t Mikey. Does… that mean that I can’t call him “Biscuits and Gravy”? Because that’s what I call Mikey. You know, we’re friends like that. I call him “Biscuits and Gravy”… No. He– I– I call him “Biscuits and Gravy,” and he calls me “Tater Tot Hotdot.” And I can say that now. Because I’ve been practicing in the mirror.

MIKE: Tex, we’ve been dealing with the Stinky problem for a while now. Why didn’t you tell us about this sooner?

STINKY: I don’t like being called, really, any of the things that you’ve been calling me.

TEX: Stinky here’s a valuable sort of iteration. Honestly, I didn’t even know what I had when I won ‘im. I just knew he was supposed to be valuable. It weren’t ’til all this commotion started that I understood why.

CHARLIE: I’m sorry! What? You… won Stinky? As a prize?

TEX: Yup. Won ‘im in a poker game, fair and square. It’s fair and square if everyone’s cheatin’, and you cheat right back at ’em.

MARISSA: Yes, exactly! Thank you. Finally! Someone gets it.

CHARLIE: And that’s why nobody wants to play Monopoly with you anymore, babe.

TEX: Yup. And cause I won him in a bet, I can tell y’all exactly how much he’s worth. That is $105,078.63 worth a Stinky. But I’m willin’ to round down to 100,000 if I got any takers.

TROY: A hundred grand? I mean, c’mon, Tex, that’s not… really that much money at the end of the day? I mean, if you needed a hundred grand, you coulda just asked me. That’s what friends are for. I– I gotcha, you know that.

MARISSA: The hell kinda poker game were you playing anyway, Tex? Someone just happened to have a Mikey lying around?

CHARLIE: [Sharp exhale.] Michael. Who did you win him from? Better yet, who would play you in poker for that kind of money?

TEX: Won him off another Michael, o’ course.

CHARLIE: And… he just had Stinky with him?

TEX: Yup. And he owed me $105,078. He really sold me on ol’ Stinky here. Said he had “magical properties.” I didn’t believe him, but… it was either take Stinky with me, or gun this sorry bastard down in the back of a bar for not bein’ able to pay up. So I took Stinky. I didn’t know what he meant by “magic,” but after seein’ what happened today, I got some ideas.

TROY: Right. It’s because Stinky doesn’t blinky, right?

CHARLIE: Okay, but it’s not “magic.” So… why isn’t Stinky affected?

TEX: I ain’t positive, but my best guess is that his connectivity is completely removed from ours. This here Stinky ain’t never played no WOE.BEGONE. He ain’t never worked no patrol at O.V.E.R. All he knows about that stuff is what he learned from the other Michael. But his experiences ain’t ours.

MDAWG: He doesn’t have scars on his back from the bear attack. That’s what set off my vibes meter originally.

OUTLAW: Connectivity strike can’t never reach him. He might as well be a whole ‘nother person.

STINKY: I am a whole ‘nother person, Outlaw! Uh, we all a– we all are. Everyone who’s a person is a person. Like, that’s– I’m not the one who’s being complicated.

OUTLAW: The connectivity begs to differ… at least for those of us who are blinkin’.

MIKE: Okay, so you won this valuable Mikey in a poker game, and then– Why’d you stick him in Storage inside the Compound?

TEX: Safekeepin’. This was back when the Compound was toyin’ with the idea o’ destroyin’ Base. I needed to jailbreak our Mikey out of Storage, and I needed someone to stick in there in his place. Stinky seemed like the perfect fit. No one at the Compound knew he was magic, so they wouldn’t come lookin’ for him. And he was safe, up ’til Nobody started pokin’ his dang nose in where it don’t belong, and let ‘im out. And it kept him out of my hair. Last thing I want is him here nippin’ at my heels all day long.

STINKY: Nipping at your hee–? I’m not a dog, Tex. I’m– It’s starting to hurt my feelings… that you’re talking about me like I’m not here.

TEX: Hush up. Grown-ups are talkin’.

CHARLIE: Okay! Well. That’s easy enough. Stinky is how we stop the Supernuke from going off, right? We might be at risk of blinking out of existence, but… he’s not. He can walk right through the Greenhouse no matter what side of the intentionality superposition he’s on. Easy enough.

MARISSA: Welp! There you go, then. All we have to do is send him into the Compound with a bomb, and just blow Evil Ty sky high!

OUTLAW: Stinky don’t know nothing about the Compound, though. He ain’t never been there… ‘cept in Storage. He don’t know how to navigate the hallways, and he don’t know where the Greenhouse is.

TEX: Not “bean,” Outlaw. “Been.” He ain’t never been there.

MARISSA: Well… just draw him a fuckin’ map, then, I don’t know. It’s a big place, but it’s not rocket launcher science to get from point A to B.

MIKE: Would a map we drew survive the blink?

OUTLAW: Ain’t no way o’ knowin’.

STINKY: When they all blinked, the house was abandoned. It didn’t look like anyone lived here. I think most of their stuff was gone.

MARISSA: Alright, well, we’ll just explain it to ‘im, then. How’s your memory, Stinky? Did you still remember these ugly mugs when they blinked on ya?

STINKY: They are ugly mugs, aren’t they, Marissa. Yes, I remembered them. And– And how ugly were, because they get to call me Stinky, and a–!

TEX: We oughta tell Bluster all this, too. That’s a smart horse. He got a head like a steel trap.

MARISSA: I’m not explaining the layout of the Compound to a horse, Tex.

TROY: Yeah! Why– Why– Why should we tell him anything? He ate my shirt!

OUTLAW: Bluster probably already knows how to get around the Compound. Tex has told him all sorts of campfire stories about the place.

CHARLIE: You know… I can never tell if you’re joking about Bluster or not… If you’re not, then I’m not convinced he’s not just two dudes in a horse suit.

MDAWG: He is a pretty bodaciously smart horse.

CHARLIE: But… he’s smart for a horse… right?

MDAWG: There is considerable overlap between the smartest horse and the dumbest person. He’s smarter than Troy.

CHARLIE: Yeah, okay. I believe that.

TEX: Bluster went to Emory University.

TROY: Nuh-uh! If Bluster thinks he’s so smart, can he do this? [Claps hands.] Look how fast I can clap my hands there.

OUTLAW: [Sighs.] Like it or not, that there “Evil Ty” is one of us, so I know what he’s thinkin’. And we gotta act fast, and get us a plan in order, folks. He ain’t gonna wait around for us to get our shit together. And the closer we get to him activatin’ that thang, [A phone starts vibrating.] the closer the blinks are gonna come. We’re getting closer to full imposition.

[Phone stops vibrating.]

MIKE: Alright, I just got a text from Mikey; he says that they found Nobody in Storage, and according to him, there’s a valve that shuts the river off in the Greenhouse. The valve changes locations, apparently, so he couldn’t tell us where it was. And the activation switch is under the river. I am forwarding that to… Michael now.

STINKY: Okay, “under the river” isn’t very specific. I assume– You– You keep calling it a river; I assume it’s pretty big? So I’m supposed to find this valve that’s somewhere in a forest, and then search an entire river bed? By myself?

TEX: We’re tryin’ to get that hundred thousand dollar value outta ya.

MIKE: I’m sure that Nobody would have been more specific if he could’ve been. That’s how time travel security works. Everything just keeps moving around. Here, uh, Stinky? Take the Calculator. I think you should have it just in case something happens to us.

MARISSA: Oh, yeah, sure! Just give him a Calculator, so he makes a run for it.

MIKE: Marissa, it’s too late to worry about that. We’re blinking in and out of existence here. Stinky, you’re not gonna… leave us high and dry, are you?

STINKY: No, I guess not, but– I don’t know how to use this thing.

MIKE: You’ll be fine, Stinky. Here, [Starts pressing buttons.] I’ll program some locations in it sort– like a speed dial, uh, the Greenhouse will be the first one… You shouldn’t need the others.

MARISSA: Alright, well, back to the Greenhouse it is, then. [Mike stops pressing buttons.] Dibs on driving the cart.

CHARLIE: We’ll search for as long as we can… but you do need to be ready to take over, Stinky. We never know when we’re gonna blink out, and if we do, then you’ll be the only one left.

MARISSA: Alright, then, team. C’mon! Time’s a-waistin’! We’re gonna turn this place upside so good, they’re gonna think we’re in the Southern Hemisphere. If I don’t get at least one shot off with the rocket launcher before this thing is done, then I’m gonna be so–

[Everyone blinks out of existence except for Troy, Stinky, and the animals.]

STINKY: …Fuck.

TROY: Uh… guys? Stinky, where– where did everyone go?

STINKY: Troy! How are you here!? You were with them in the Greenhouse when they blinked, right? So– Did you not go with them?

TROY: I don’t know, man! I was in the bathroom. I came back, and everyone was saying that they blinked, and I know I blinked while I was in the bathroom, cause my eyes were hurting when not blinking, and I thought maybe I just– that meant I blinked too, because they did.

STINKY: [Sighs.] Well, it is just me and you, Troy. And we’ve gotta figure this all out, cause I don’t think they’re coming back.

TROY: I wanna wait for Charlie. I… I miss her, and it’s… it’s hard when she’s not here, and it sounds like you’re asking me to think, and I’m scared.

STINKY: It isn’t safe to wait for Charlie. If we wait, she could be gone forever. At which point, they might as well just leave the gate to O.V.E.R. wide open.

TROY: Okay. Let’s– Let’s save Charlie, then. I… H-How do we do that?

STINKY: We are going to use this Calculator to get into the Greenhouse using the coordinates that Mike gave us. And then, from there, we’ve gotta find the valve, which will turn off the river, and then we’ve got to find an activation switch in the river.

TROY: That sounds really hard.

STINKY: No arguments here. Uh, but hey! The rocket launcher is still here, and… we’ve… got a giant horse… here, too? So, I guess we should go see if he’s as smart as Tex says he is–? Uh, why are you taking off your shirt?

TROY: I don’t wanna let him eat it this time! It’s my favorite shirt!

STINKY: Put your shirt back on.

TROY: Ugh, Fine! Fine, I–… [Huffs.]

[Scene transition.]

[Outdoor ambience.]

STINKY: Hey, um… Any luck with that thing yet?

TROY: Um… Yeah? Sort of? I mean– Check this out. I’ve figured out that if you put this in this spot, and you push this button… the one bear…

[Time travel noise.]

TROY: …turns into two bears! So. I dunno if that helps.

STINKY: It doesn’t! We don’t want any more bears! We don’t even want the bear we have. And we definitely don’t want the Calculator to make more of whatever it’s pointed at, we’re trying to get the single version of us to the Greenhouse.

TROY: Mm-hmm… Cool, so… what should we do with all these bears? Because, honestly, I– I think you’re right, I think maybe we have too many bears now.

STINKY: Ugh, just give me the Calculator! [Grabs Calculator.] Okay… There’s the coordinate field…

[We hear Stinky pushing buttons.]

STINKY: And here is the log of coordinates that Mike said that he gave me. So the first one’s gotta be the Greenhouse, because that’s where we’re supposed to go. So if I push this button… [Pushes button.]

[Time travel noise.]

STINKY: Perfect! One bear down, t-three to go! There are just three more bears, right, Troy?

TROY: Yes, exactly. Four more bears. Right.

STINKY: That’s a different number, Troy. What happened to the other one?

TROY: Alright, listen, I guess one of them wandered off, I don’t know. I– I might’ve counted wrong. There’s– There’s maybe a loose bear. It’s fine.

STINKY: Ugh. Whatever. Have fun in Texas, you dumb bear. Okay! Let’s just… move the ones we have left.

[Time travel noise three times.]

TROY: Are you sure they’re gonna be okay in the Greenhouse? I… thought the Greenhouse was for plants, and I don’t know how to water a bear.

STINKY: Weren’t you just in the Greenhouse? Y-You have to know what it is, you were just there.

TROY: It’s a place for trees where bad things happen, and sometimes, sometimes… it’s a bathroom.

STINKY: Troy… Is it all an act? A very, very exhausting act?

TROY: Is what all an act? [Stinky starts pushing Calculator buttons.] You think that I’m merely pretending to be an idiot, but I’m secretly always in control of the situation? Is that what you think? Is that why things just keep magically working out for me? Am I Flinch? Seriously. Stinky, I’m– I’m asking you. Right here, right now, just you and I. Am I Flinch.

STINKY: [Stops pushing buttons.] Huh, what? Uh, I wasn’t listening. Uh, I got the Calculator figured out. So, uh… yeah, we’re good to go on the Greenhouse. And we should probably hurry up before Ty figures out how to erase us, too. Have you… ever fired a rocket launcher before?

TROY: Yes. Yeah.

STINKY: In a video game?

TROY: I-In a video game, yes.

STINKY: Okay. I don’t know how to fire it, either. But we’re gonna have to figure it out, because we’re gonna blow up Evil Ty.

TROY: Make sure you’re careful not to fall off the horse when you shoot the rocket launcher.

STINKY: I’m not going to be on a horse, what are you talking about?

TROY: The Shirt Horse. …We are going with Shirt Horse, aren’t we?

STINKY: Uh– Bluster? I really don’t think we should take Bluster with us. Uh– Tex will tell you [Tex impression.] “he’s a– a battle horse,” [Drops impression.] but, uh… I don’t want him to get hurt.

TROY: You know, I am afraid of him eating my shirt, but more importantly, I think I’m afraid of the five bears that you sent to the place we’re going.

STINKY: That is the wrong number of bears, again, but that is a good point. And Bluster is a lot bigger than the bears. So… we should bring him along for safety. …Is that okay with you, Bluster?

[Bluster snorts. We hear the rustle of cloth.]

STINKY: Uh– Troy, wa– watch out, he–

TROY [yelling]: Bluster! That’s my shirt! That’s my shirt! [Stinky calls Troy’s name.] We talked about it, that’s my shirt!

STINKY: Troy, Troy, he’s not eating your shirt! He’s trying to pick you up and put you on his back. So… take a deep breath… [Inhales.] relax. Go with the flow… Be like water… Be… bodacious. Like MDawg would say.

TROY: Okay. A-Alright, if you say so. Just. Good– Good horsey. Nice horsey…

STINKY: Alright. And now, as Tex might say… [Tex impression.] let’s ride out and bag us a varmint, pilg!

[Bluster whinnies.]

[Troy yells in a confused fashion.]

[Distasteful Stuff plays.]

A wall surrounding empty air
A feast there to fatten all the guards
We left our lives for recompense
A dirty coin passed down from oligarchs
To fit the slot inside our hearts

I am getting swallowed up
I’m dredging through distasteful stuff

The skin of the bulb is off
The flesh of the fruit is soft
You can get away with harvesting
But not if you spill your gut
A motive to spite the cause
The map to the pit is gone
Pain is just pain so i hope for your sake
The impetus will be to stop

Somehow not used to my body
I took more than I could carry
I poked around and found something
I never felt
There’s always something
Pushing down, a resonator plucked
Reverberate the sound
A horn to fuck your hearing up

I am getting swallowed up
I’m dredging through distasteful stuff

The skin of the bulb is off
The flesh of the fruit is soft
You can get away with harvesting
But not if you spill your gut
A motive to spite the cause
The map to the pit is gone
Pain is just pain so i hope for your sake
The impetus will be to stop

Stop the sacrament
Only holy for the innocent
A plague be on the rest of us
Present company excluded of course
Anatomy knows how to get the best of me
Apologies, i forgot to be anything, that’s right
I forgot to be anything

[Scene transition.]

[Time travel noise.]

[Outdoor ambience. We hear a river flowing.]

STINKY: Alright, I did it! We are here– [A warning siren starts going off. Bluster snorts.] Uh–

PA SYSTEM RECORDING: Warning. The mud rain will commence in five minutes.

STINKY: The what… will commence in 5 minutes?

PA SYSTEM RECORDING: Please make an orderly exit from the Greenhouse, or locate the emergency mud stopper panel on the side of the dome.

[Warning siren fades out.]

STINKY: Okay, Troy? We’ve got five minutes. Are you ready?

TROY: Yes. …What are we doing?

STINKY: Okay, so we’re looking for Evil Ty, and we’re looking for a valve to turn off the river, and also apparently we’re turning off the mud rain, that seems pretty important.

[We hear bears in the distance.]

EVIL TY [distant]: Get back! Get– back–! Get o–! No, don’t touch that–! Nope! No, get off–! [Yells a few times.]

STINKY [overlapping Evil Ty]: Okay, well there’s Evil Ty. Check. Uh, do you see the valve?

TROY [overlapping Evil Ty]: I don’t see it anywhere!

STINKY [overlapping Evil Ty]: Fuck, this place is huge. How are we ever going to find anything?

TROY: Okay, Bluster! Find– Find the valve!

[Bluster snorts.]

STINKY: Troy, he’s not going to find the va– [Bluster starts walking.] Okay, we’re moving, so maybe he does have an idea.

TROY: Woah! Where is he taking us?

STINKY: Oh! …See where someone dug up some pipe there? It must go all the way down the ridge. And close to the bears…

[We hear the bears much closer.]

EVIL TY: What the hell are you doing here!? Mikey, is that you? Wait, how are you here? You should be gone with the rest of them.

TROY [calling out]: Sir! I’m going to need you to stay over there where the bears are! I am currently armed with a rocket launcher, okay? If you come any closer, I will have to use this rocket launcher to do whatever you do with a rocket launcher does to you, sir. So please stay back while we find this valve.

EVIL TY: I may have miscalculated– No, I never get things wrong. How is Troy even here? Oh, no matter. You don’t know what you’re looking for.

STINKY: Alright, there’s the valve. I’m gonna jump down, and shut it off. I want you and Bluster to book it. Get to the river; find the switch as fast as you can. I’ll distract Ty, and hopefully find the mud rain shutdown button.

TROY: Got it!

[Bluster and Troy ride off. The warning siren returns.]

PA SYSTEM RECORDING: Warning. The mud rain will commence in three minutes. It will rain mud. Please make an orderly exit from the Greenhouse, or locate the emergency mud stopper panel on the side of the dome.

[Warning siren fades out.]

STINKY [overlapping PA system recording]: Alright, this valve…

[We hear Stinky turn the valve.]

STINKY: You aren’t going anywhere near this river, Ty.

EVIL TY: [Laughs.] I don’t know what iteration of Mikey you are, but you shouldn’t even be here. You’re a rounding error. [We hear the bears again.] You’re something I’m going to have to fix in post after I set this off. Step aside, Mikey.

STINKY: You know, you talk a big game for someone surrounded by bears, and also, it’s Stinky.

EVIL TY: It’s… stinky?

STINKY: I’m trying to own it. We– We don’t get to pick our nicknames, okay? And I don’t know you, but I know Outlaw Ty? So I know that you’re a low-down, no-good cur compared to him.

EVIL TY: You don’t… know me? Wait, who the hell are you, Stinky?

STINKY: I’m your worst fuckin’ nightmare, Ty. [Pause, then mutters.] I sorta hate that. This is a serious moment. [Yells.] Troy, find the switch already!

TROY: We’re working on it, okay? Bluster is digging! As fast as he can!

[The warning siren returns.]

PA SYSTEM RECORDING: Warning. The mud rain will commence in two minutes. Nothing will be spared from the mud storm. Please make an orderly exit from the Greenhouse, or locate the emergency mud stopper panel on the side of the dome.

STINKY [overlapping PA system recording]: Dig with him, Troy!

[Warning siren fades out.]

EVIL TY [overlapping PA system recording]: You shouldn’t even care about this, “Stinky.” No more O.V.E.R. means no more government-operated time travel honeypot where they put all the most suspicious people in the country together to do whatever they please. Think of the sheer amount of hassle stopping them will remove from the world. [We hear the bears again, as well as a thumping noise.] And there’s still one of you left, so you don’t even lose anything.

STINKY: Yeah, yeah. You don’t get iterative personhood. …Hah! I found it! This is the panel! [Opens up the panel.] Alright. Uh… This is all in Latvian. What’s the Latvian word for “mud”? Uh…

[The warning siren returns.]

PA SYSTEM RECORDING: Warning. The mud rain will commence in 60 seconds. Not even god will be able to see you through the mud. Please make an orderly exit from the Greenhouse, or locate the emergency mud stopper panel on the side of the dome.

TROY [overlapping PA system recording]: Okay! We– we found it! We found it!

STINKY [overlapping PA system recording]: Hurry up and destroy the switch, Bluster, because if dubļu lietus doesn’t mean mud rain, then we might be screwed.

EVIL TY [overlapping PA system recording]: What? A horse found it?

[Warning siren fades out.]

[We hear mangled electronics.]

STINKY: Hell yeah, Bluster! Shoot him, Troy!

TROY: I can’t figure out how… Just wait, hold on. Okay, this is, uh… Uh– Duck, Stinky!

[We hear the rocket launch, followed by a loud explosion.]

[Scene transition.]

[Outdoor ambience.]

[We hear the others blink back into existence.]

MICHAEL: We’re back, folks. I’m hopin’ that means we ain’t gonna blink out again.

CHANCE: I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem. Look at that crater!

MICHAEL: Yeah, somethin’ made a big impact, and kicked up a bunch o’ dust.

CHANCE: I think I see someone… o-over in the dust cloud.

[We hear Bluster gallop up to them.]

MICHAEL: By god, that’s Bluster!

STINKY: Hey, guys. Welcome back.

MICHAEL: Look at you, Stinky! Ridin’ like a real cowboy. Is that crater what I think it is?

STINKY: If you think that it is the smoldering remains of Evil Ty and the Supernuke activation switch, then yeah. Things got kinda monologue-y at the end there, but I mean, it was Evil Ty. You’re not gonna call yourself “evil,” and then not be arch, right?

TROY: Charlie! We exploded him, and it was so cool! And a… a little gross, admittedly. It was kinda gross.

CHANCE: Wait. Troy. Did you not blink out with the rest of us? …How the hell is Bluster here?

TROY: No. I don’t– guess– I guess not. I decided to stay in Texas, and help Stinky with the Calculator.

CHARLIE: [Brief laugh.] Troy saves the day. I’ll be damned. You didn’t “decide” anything. We didn’t have any choice to… stop existing.

TROY: What can I say? Non-existence sounds scary, so I decided to stay behind. Also, me and Bluster are tight now, and he can eat any of my shirts he wants.

STINKY: We couldn’t have done it without Bluster. He’s the one that found the pipe that led us to the valve, and then the valve led us to the activation switch.

MICHAEL: The pipe we dug up, ya mean. Cause findin’ the water main and diggin’ it out was all Helen’s doin’.

CHARLIE: Wait a sec… Where is Helen? Has anyone seen her since we got back?

TROY: Maybe she’s using the bathroom.

STINKY: She could be with the others somewhere? I don’t think that everyone ended up necessarily where they expected. I mean, Charlie, you’re here instead of in Texas.

MICHAEL: I just heard from the other teams. They’re on their way back right now.

[Time travel noise.]

MARISSA [overlapping]: Hey! Look who it is! The hero of the day. Troy, buddy, I am so proud of you, you finally got your turn with the brain cell.

FELIX [overlapping]: Huh! So. This is what it looks like. 

MIKE [overlapping]: I was wondering if Bluster was going to be here.

TEX [overlapping]: Howdy, folks. And these are our heroes right here?

CHANCE [overlapping]: –Shadow’s gonna have fun with this one.

MARISSA: And check out the size of this crater! Whoo! See? Told y’all it wasn’t a replica.

CHANCE: Then why does it say “replica” on the back?

MARISSA: What, I don’t like people touchin’ my shit.

TY: Felix! You came!

FELIX: Of course, I’m delighted to be here, Ty. It’s lovely to be back.

EDGAR: We couldn’t have done it without you, Felix. If we hadn’t found Nobody in Storage, we wouldn’t have been able to find the activation switch.

FELIX: Ah, he’d have never forgiven me if I’d stood by and let all the Mikes disappear. I had to do something.

MARISSA: Are, what, the rest of us chopped liver?

FELIX: Yeah, yeah. [Stammers.] My apologies, Marissa.

MICHAEL: Anyone got a hold of Helen? She’s supposed to be here.

CHANCE: Uh, when the blink happened, she was here in the Greenhouse with us.

MARISSA: Oh. First, Baby Ty, and now Helen. Great. Where do you think they went?

TEX: I don’t see why they’d get erased if none of the rest of us did.

TY: I suppose I should ask Tracing for some help again.

FELIX: I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, Ty… Tracing was helping Nobody and the rogue Ty. He can’t be trusted. He’s playing both sides.

OUTLAW: So I guess we got track ’em down ourselves.

TEX: Alright, team. Y’all heard the man. Let’s get out there.

TROY: Hey, um… Texas?

TEX: Troy, please. Texas was my father. Call me Tex.

TROY: I’m… tired. And also, there’s a lot of bears in here. …Can I– Can I go home, and go to bed?

TEX: Alright, Troy. You can go home. But no other exceptions. The rest of us are gonna roll up our sleeves, and get to work!

[Michael, Marissa, and Mike talk over each other.]

MICHAEL [overlapping]: I don’t know about this ‘un, Tex.

MARISSA [overlapping]: Ugh, no, come on…

MIKE [overlapping]: No, Tex, I’m going to bed.

TEX: Alright. Buncha complainers. Nevermind! Let’s all go home, and go to bed. If’n y’all like sleep so much.

[Scene transition.]

HELEN: Where the hell am I? Ty?

LIEUTENANT: Howdy there, Helen. It’s great to finally meet ya. My name is Lieutenant.

HELEN: You’re… You’re Michael. You’re one of the Mikes.

LIEUTENANT: No, ma’am. As I said, my name is Lieutenant. And I am here to welcome you to Operose International. Say, that’s a damn fine hat ya got there. [Brief chuckle.] I used to have one just like it.

HELEN: I know. You–… gave it to me… Where am I? What year is it? Look, you need to send me back to 1980 right this instant.

LIEUTENANT: I’m afraid I can’t do that, ma’am. You’re gonna be stayin’ with us for quite awhile. So it’s time to get settled in, pard. [Stands up.] Be seein’ ya.

[Lieutenant starts walking away.]

HELEN: Hey, hey! Where are you going? You can’t just leave me here! I need to go home. I need to see my son. …He needs me! Hey!

[Lieutenant exits through a door.]

[You Are Compromised plays.]

I tripped and fell
You’ll want to pick me up
I’ll be your lucky coin
I’ll be the layer of dirt
That protects your
newly-Cracking shell
When it is cold
And you are compromised

Distorted my alibi
So only i know when it’s my time to go
Let the barking dogs inside
They only want your hide
It is cold
And you are compromised

You’re wearing your skin like it’s too tight

I’m getting wise
The tides are turning
They’re losing track of
The beasts of burden
You want to go out
Like a champion
I want to cling onto life
By my fingernails

I’ve had enough
Disappointment
I’ve seen the pits
That they dig
I have joined them
There’s a line where it ends
And we get to repeat the whole thing

I’ll repeat the whole thing

I’ll run the search
Have you seen this man
I’m in your town writing it down
Asking everyone i can
Do you recognize this face?
I am looking for his cave
He is dangerous
It’s cold
And he is compromised

Misplaced all my apathy
On a guarantee that the worst would stay clear of me
Let the bracing wind inside
The world is cruel
And you are compromised

You’re wearing your skin like it’s too tight

[Scene transition.]

[Mikey whistles “You Are My Sunshine.” We hear a set of keys jingle.]

MW: Mikey? Hey, man. How’s it goin’? Feels like it’s been a minute.

MIKEY: Oh! Hey, MW. Uh. It’s… It’s goin’. Uh, how about you?

MW: You know. Keepin’ on keepin’ on. …Say, uh, did y’all go on a mission without me?

MIKEY: Did– Did we? …Were you not at the Greenhouse?

MW: No, sir. Sure weren’t.

MIKEY: Huh… I could’ve sworn that you were there. Cause we had– we had Tex and Michael and Outlaw. And we had Stinky and Mike. Honestly, too many cooks in the kitchen.

MW: So y’all didn’t need lil’ ol’ me, then.

MIKEY: They didn’t even really need me, either. It was Stinky and Troy that saved the day, if you can believe that.

MW: Well, I’m glad to hear I’m unnecessary.

MIKEY: No, I– I really didn’t mean it like that! This was like a– a Stinky thing.

MW: The thing that’s stinky here is your attitude, Mikey. Now, you said what you said. I’m gonna… go back to my bunk, and… write in my journal about this…

MIKEY: No, MW, come back! I didn’t mean it! …You can be in the show! I mean, this isn’t a show, this is… WOE.BEGONE.

[Closing theme starts playing.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE.

The voice of Felix was Ben Rowe. Check out his podcast The Felix Chronicles right here on this feed. All of them were collected together into one intermission.

The voice of Edgar was Jeremy Enfinger. Check out his podcast The Storage Papers.

The voice of Charlie was Lyssa Jay. Check out their podcast 400 Words A Horror. They are also on The Grotto.

The voice of Troy was Athan. Check out his podcast The Grotto.

The voice of Chance was Taylor Michaels. You can check him out in The Department of Variance of Somewhere, Ohio or, yes, The Grotto.

The voice of Marissa Ng was Michelle Kan. You can find them on Twitter at fswrites.

The voice of Helen Hartley was Tatiana Gefter. Listen to their podcast Soul Operator. They are also in The Grotto.

[Rapping.] And the voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out his podcast Shadows At The Door, or go to davidault.co.uk for more. [Stops rapping.] Thank you so much to David, who recorded for me even though he was travelling this weekend.

Season 14 of WOE.BEGONE starts in two weeks.

Thanks for playing.

[Closing theme plays out.]

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (TAYLOR): I’m– I’m being whiny Chance now. [As Chance.] She won’t listen. Michael. Michael, Marissa won’t listen to me! Take away the rocket launcher. [Brief giggle.] Dad said it’s my turn with the rocket launcher, Marissa, you can’t hog it.

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (CHANCE): Gotta say, I think this dome is not verisimililitudinous right now. [Laughs.]

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (LYSSA): Oh! You need a–Gotta think of a Hunter line, too. [As Charlie doing a Hunter impression.] I’m really not okay with you [Buzz.] my mom, there. Mike. [Pause, then laughing.] Oh, no, no. Oh, no. I’m relistening back to… the lines I recorded. And, um, um, it was supposed to be “I’m really not okay with killing my– killing my mom, there. Mike.” Not–! Not what it sounds like. That wasn’t censored, I swear to god. [Laughs.] My microphone just… just did not… [Stammers.] It freaked out on me. …I swear to god, guys. [Laughs.]

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (LYSSA): Why are there three bears? Wait, why are the three bears just strai–[Buzz.] Like… [Laughs.]

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (LYSSA): [Whines.] I hate it when new terms get added to the lexicon. It never means good things. [Whines.]

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (LYSSA): “Instead, I had to rescue you from your own screwup, and put a brand new Mike heart in your chest”? Ty!? Are we Frankenstein-ing Mike Walters now?

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (MARISSA): “My Ty”? Mai Tais at a time like this? Helen, please. Girl. It’s not even noon.

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (TATIANA): …It’s fine. [A cat starts audibly scratching.] Oh, there she goes again. [The cat keeps scratching.] I’m gonna listen back to see if you can hear that… Oh, my god. [Tatiana’s laptop fan becomes audible. The cat scratches.] The cat’s going again. She’s goin’. She’s goin’ again. She’s gotta stop! Babygirl! And the fan is so loud now. Why is the fan so loud? Everything’s happening… in Tot’s recording session. [The cat and the fan are still audible.] Oh, you can– you can so definitely hear the fan, there’s no way…

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

BLOOPER (FELIX): [Announcer voice.] I’m sure Nobody will be happy to coopera– [Breaks character, and babbles.] That’s not in the intercom anymore. That’s me just talking to Ty. I’m taunting him again… cause he’s naughty. …Good.

[Brief start-stop of the closing theme.]

[END Episode 156.]