155: Groundskeeping

SUMMARY

They’re all the “Evil Ty.” You’re going to have to be more specific.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript by Theo and reviewed and edited by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 155.]

INTRO: Hey, guys, quick plugs. I am still streaming over on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. This next Sunday is the last Sunday before the Season 13 finale. Last season finale, when people donated, I would read an out-of-context quote from the upcoming episode. That was a lot of fun, so I might try to do that again. And if that sounds fun to you, check that out at twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you would like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. This week, I would like to shout-out the Q&As. A little while ago, I put out the March Q&A, where I answered questions for over an hour. So if you would like to listen to that or you would like to ask me questions, sign up at the $2-and-up level. Again, that is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear outdoor ambience and the sound of a golf cart.]

CHANCE: Alright, the trail itself is gonna end here, but we’re gonna go off onto that little desire path there, so you’re going to wanna turn bleft…

MARISSA: Uh, excuse me, Chris. What the fuck is a “bleft”?

CHANCE: Sorry. Mike Walters gave me brainworms. Bleft is like left but… like, look, see where the grass is trampled down there? That’s bleft. That’s where you’re going. [They almost hit a branch.] Jesus–! Watch out! Watch where you’re going, that branch coulda decapitated me!

MARISSA: Alright, passenger princess. [CHANCE: “Passenger princess”? Really?] Are you the one in the driver seat? No. [CHANCE: I have a car!] Are you a professional? No! Did you get your own patrol cart back at O.V.E.R.? No! In fact, you’re the one who asked me to drive, so just sit back, and let Ng Sifu show you how it’s done.

CHANCE: You shouldn’t be going this fast. There’s barely enough room between the trees, and we’re trying to be quiet and inauspicious. That’s why I brought us out here in the first place.

MARISSA: Yeah, right. If you wanted me to go slow, then you shouldn’t have let me take off the speed inhibitor.

CHANCE: You pointed a rocket launcher at me!

MARISSA: Oh, womp womp, you big fucking baby. Like I was actually gonna shoot you with it. Rest assured, Chris. You have nothing to fear from the rocket launcher unless you’re a refrigerator, a tree, or Ty Betteridge.

CHANCE: Well, there aren’t any Tys Betteridge out here, and that’s why I brought you out here. And if you quit making so much noise, we won’t attract any. He doesn’t come out here very often.

MARISSA: Ooh, fuck yeah, are we scheming? Is this a ditch and bitch? Go ahead, then. Dish the dish, bish.

CHANCE: I mean, I didn’t bring you out here just to see the beauty of nature. Look around, Marissa. Do you notice anything… off? Like something that you wouldn’t expect?

MARISSA [thinking]: Eh… Nope. These are the woods outside the Compound, same as they ever were. I’ve been out here a few times with the rocket launcher, actually. Don’t ask me how I got my hands on it, but the guy who gave it to me said, [Michael impression.] “That dang thing’ll take down a whole tree, pard.” [Stops impression. Chuckles.] I made a giant crater. Speaking of… Where is that thing. I wanna put a flag on it.

CHANCE: That crater might not be here. Do you notice anything else?

MARISSA: Uh, yeah. I notice you’re asking a fuckton of questions for someone who clearly wants to tell me something. C’mon, man. I’m all ears.

CHANCE: This isn’t the same forest outside the Compound. I-It’s not the same forest that you fired a rocket launcher into.

MARISSA: Man, come on. I grew up with three brothers, you can’t pull that shit on me. Look, I’m pretty sure I know how to recognise a forest, especially when I blow shit up in it all the time! We went out the side door of the Compound, and the forest was right there. We’ve been driving through it the entire time! You didn’t transport us anywhere! In fact, I can still see the Compound through the trees. This is the same forest.

CHANCE: We’re not even outside. We never left the Compound. Welcome to the Greenhouse, Marissa.

MARISSA: This isn’t a greenhouse. That’s not what a greenhouse is. Greenhouses are big glass domes with plants and a million bugs in them. They don’t grow birch trees in a greenhouse.

CHANCE: It’s a– It’s a codename more than anything? We are in a dome… sort of. We are in a perfect iteration of the forest outside the Compound. It looks and feels exactly like leaving the Compound through the side door and going outside. But It’s a climate-controlled dome just like the Dome that they had us in except much larger and way more sophisticated. I work here. That’s my job at the Compound; it’s– It’s sort of like being a patrol officer at O.V.E.R., but mostly my job is to observe the forest and report on anything that, quote, [Ty impression.] “hinders verisimilitude.” [Stops impression.] That’s the Compound terminology for it. “Verisimilitude.” The Compound tinkers with stuff, and I report if I notice.

MARISSA: Oh, shit. Where do I sign up? I wanna walk around and do nothing all day.

CHANCE: The Compound decided it would be the best fit for me. I mean, I was a game warden for two years.

MARISSA: Oh, fuck off, you were not!

CHANCE: Why is that how everyone responds when I bring it up? I-I know that I told you! I told everyone, it’s not like I’m hiding it. It’s one of the first things that came up any time I met someone at O.V.E.R. “Hey, my name’s Chris. I’m new here. I used to be a game warden.” Do you seriously not remember me telling you this? We were in the cafeteria. I remember it specifically.

MARISSA: [Sceptical noise.] A game warden? No. Sorry. I don’t see it.

CHANCE: You probably just weren’t listening. You were probably just busy talking about how you were gonna shoot that bear.

MARISSA: Hell fucking yeah, that thing was my archnemesis! If you were really a game warden, shouldn’t you have been tryna stop me, or whatever?

CHANCE: As I was saying, this dome is a perfect recreation of the forest on the outside of the Compound. They use it for a whole bunch of experiments: weather stuff, botanical experiments, defensive maneuvers. Stuff like that. Usually, that means making a big mess of some kind, and then trying to conceal it, which is an experiment in and of itself. Most of my job just entails noting any oddities and discrepancies that they accidentally leave behind.

MARISSA: Ty’s too Betteridge to do his own dirty work, huh? They give the grunt work to the babyman?

CHANCE: Pretty much. You’re right that Ty rarely goes out into the forest. And that’s why I brought us out here. I don’t think he cares much for the forest? It’s too dirty. Oh, by the way, sometimes it rains mud for a few minutes? They’re working on fixing that, but it does still happen from time to time, so if that starts, we’re just gonna need to head back, cause trust me, you do not want to be caught in the middle of that. But unless there’s a mudstorm, this is somewhere that we can talk in private. I wanted to talk about Ty.

MARISSA: Oh, thank god! Me, too! Alright, we need to get this Ty-shaped monkey off our backs, like, yesterday, and go back to working for Edgar. He’s killing me.

CHANCE: Things are definitely more strange than usual. Have you noticed more than one Ty giving you orders?

MARISSA: Oh, god, I hope not, one’s already enough. [Sighs.] That’s their… whole deal, though, right? They’re all supposed to be “the same person” who have the same thoughts across all their iterations, or whatever. Like the anti-Mikey! And An-Ty’key. And Un-unalike Walters.

CHANCE: So, that’s supposed to be their whole deal. But it seems like they’re getting worse at it. There are at least two Tys who are giving me orders in the Greenhouse. A few days ago, one came up to me, and said, [Ty impression.] “Chris, take extra precaution to lock up the Greenhouse tonight. There’s been an increased threat level.” [Stops impression.] And then he chastised me for wearing shorts on the job, which was super annoying because it was hot outside. So, I went back to my apartment and changed, and then when I got back, a different Ty approached me, and said, [Ty impression.] “Chris, we have high-level personnel visiting this evening. Please leave the keys to the Greenhouse on your desk when you leave.”

MARISSA: Mm-hmm. And which teacher did you obey, teacher’s pet?

CHANCE: I mean, I didn’t think that they were two Tys at the time. I thought he just changed his mind; it wasn’t until I played the conversations back in my head later that I noticed that the second Ty was different. I don’t know, there was something more forceful… a sinisterness about him? Like I should’ve been scared of him.

MARISSA: They’re all sinister, Chris. And they’re all far beneath your respect. If you find yourself scared of one of them, call ’em a dipshit, and punch ’em in the face.

CHANCE: Is that what you do?

MARISSA [defensive]: [Sighs.] No… Charlie would get really mad at me… But I should! I should punch him in that smug face of his, because he’s got me working on a Supernuke, [CHANCE: A Supernuke?] and I don’t even get to see it up close! Like, what the fuck? Let me at it!

CHANCE: Fuck. I mean, at least they’ve got you doin’ something in your field of expertise.

MARISSA: I’m a glorified intern, it fucking sucks. One time, Felix asked me to go get him coffee from the break room. Do these hands look like they know how to make good coffee? I’m supposed to be building weapons and tanks and shit! But no! Ty says that I don’t have the “requisite experience” to actually work on the Supernuke. I have to help the people that actually get to do the cool work. Ugh. It’s like when they wouldn’t let me patrol Tier Two at O.V.E.R.

CHANCE: In their defense… I don’t think that your experience extends to building a time travel super weapon.

MARISSA [pouty]: Yeah, what would you know.

CHANCE: You know how to build conventional weapons, and when Base needed something, you always knew a guy who knew a guy. I don’t think the Compound has much need for illegally-acquired tanks.

MARISSA: Well, not anymore, they have a fucking Supernuke. You know, I’m starting to think that this is some seriously bad news. Like “wipe out the dinosaurs”-level bad news. Do you think Ty Betteridge wiped out the dinosaurs?

CHANCE: I’m assuming there’s a time travel component?

MARISSA: Well, from what I can tell, it can be pointed at entire timelines. Like, remember when we were in the timeline where H killed Mikey? What if instead of doing that, he could have made it so that there were no timelines where Mikey existed? I dunno about you, but I think it’d be pretty fuckin’ hard to get back something that never existed in the first place. Like trying to find a needle in a haystack, but needles don’t exist in this world. I’d have better luck finding Troy’s single brain cell. It would make it impossible to find him and drag his sorry ass back into the present. But hey, what the fuck do I know. I tried slamming all their jargon into the Compound internet, and all I got was a 4-0-Fuck-You.

CHANCE: I mean, I guess we should be happy about that? We work for the Compound now, and the Compound having access to that is… good for us? Maybe?

MARISSA: That’s bullshit, and you know it.

CHANCE: [Sighs.] I do. And it makes it an especially bad time for there to be this Evil Ty running around giving contradicting orders. Dissent among the ranks increases the likelihood that your Supernuke is gonna go off in the wrong time at the wrong place.

MARISSA: Yeah. Quick correction. They’re all the “evil Ty.” You’re gonna have to be more specific.

CHANCE: “Evil Ty” is the worst one. All the Tys are evil, there’s no discussion there. But Evil Ty is the most evil. And I’m receiving more contradicting orders every day, it’s like he’s gaining a foothold. Have you noticed any contradictions like that?

MARISSA: Not contradictions, I don’t think, but it does seem like the Supernuke is almost ready. The engineers keep talking about “end games” and “potential use cases” and [ British accent ] “my childhood flimbobble,” whatever the fuck that means.

CHANCE: What the hell is a flimbobble?

MARISSA: If I ever find out, it’ll be entirely against my will, I’m sure. But hey! I can see where this is goin’. Look at you taking the initiative; I’m proud of ya, buddy. You brought me out here to tell me that we need to stop being little wage slave peons to Evil Ty, and start hatching a plan for Base to become independent again, once and for all! We’ll steal the Supernuke and a couple of tanks on the way out, and all of the other time travel organizations will have to answer to us from now on!

CHANCE: …Close. My plan was actually to see if we can find the mole, and rat him out to the other Tys before he can do any more damage. And if we lead the other Tys to Evil Ty, maybe they will reward us.

MARISSA [continuing as if not hearing]: –And we’ll lock all of the Tys into the Greenhouse! And then we’ll turn on the mud rain, and then we’ll transport a bunch of bears in here and see who wins in a fight to the death! Are you with me, Chris!

CHANCE: [Struggles to answer.] Hmm. I think the best course of action would be to see if we can track down Evil Ty. I think if we had some access to surveillance, then we could maybe tell them apart. We could see where Evil Ty came from, and where he goes after he gives his orders. And we could see what happened that night when I left the Greenhouse gate unlocked. According to Mikey, there’s this surveillance equipment in the Trunk thing? And we could start there. Except I have no clue how to get there, so we’re gona have to ask him.

MARISSA: Uh, man, Mikey? Really? Wasn’t this supposed to be a successful mission?

CHANCE: I don’t want to rope Mikey into this, Marissa, but we need him if we’re gonna get into the Trunk. And he’s not that bad. …Okay, okay, he is, but he probably won’t get us killed. Maybe himself, but probably, probably not us. Also, you need to turn bleft, or you’re gonna drive us directly into the river.

MARISSA: I’ll drive us into the river if I damn well please! Now hold onto your butts, and get ready to swim!

[Marissa speeds up.]

CHANCE: Marissa? Marissa, come on. Marissa!

MARISSA: [Honks horn.] Beep beep, motherfucka!

[Chance yells, and we hear a splash.]

[Scene transition.]

[We hear a knock on an apartment door. Edgar answers.]

EDGAR [cheerfully]: Marissa! Chris! Hi, it’s so good to see you.

CHANCE: Good to see you too, Edgar.

MARISSA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good to see you, Edgar. Listen, we’re here on important business. Is your dumbass boyfriend home?

CHANCE: We have a problem, and Mikey might be able to help us with it.

EDGAR: Funny you should say that. I’m looking for him, too. It’s his day off. Normally he spends his time off on the couch watching movies, but… he wasn’t here when I got back.

CHANCE: No idea where he went?

MARISSA: Clearly, he is trying to be as inconvenient as possible.

EDGAR: He didn’t tell me that he was going somewhere. I called him and asked him where he was, and he said something cryptic, and hung up.

CHANCE: What did he say?

EDGAR: Something cryptic. He literally said, “Sorry, babe. I’m doing something cryptic. Don’t wait up.”

MARISSA: Well, call him back, and tell him this cryptid hunter’s about to put her cryptic boot up his ass.

EDGAR: His phone is off, unfortunately. I’m not surprised that he’s gotten into something. But he’s been acting peculiar since yesterday afternoon.

MARISSA: [Huffs.] God, not you, too. Okay. You’re gonna have to be more specific than that. This is Mikey we’re talkin’ about. Isn’t peculiar his normal m.o.?

EDGAR: Last night, he snuck another iteration of himself into the apartment. He tried to hide it from me, but I noticed immediately. I pretended not to see him. I don’t know why Mikey Bear would try to hide something like that from me. He knows that I would never report him to Ty, no matter what he was doing. He kept up the charade all night. He kept saying he was “going to the bathroom,” and then he would disappear into the spare room for a few minutes. I think he hid the other iteration in our spare closet. I heard the other iteration eating chips in there in the middle of the night when I got up to use the bathroom.

MARISSA: [Sighs.] Classic Mikey.

CHANCE: Is the other iteration still here?

EDGAR: No. They both left this morning after I left for work. All that’s left is a pile of potato chip crumbs.

CHANCE: As long as you’re not ratting people out to Ty, we have a problem we could use your help with.

MARISSA: Snitches get stitches, Edgar. Stitches and a rocket launcher to the face. You wouldn’t rat us to Ty, would you?

CHANCE: Marissa, you have to stop bringing that thing places. Where did you even pull that out from!?

MARISSA: Hey, it works, don’t it?

EDGAR: I wouldn’t dream of reporting you to Ty, Marissa. My loyalty is to Base above the Compound. What is the problem?

CHANCE: Have you noticed anything weird at your job this week, Edgar?

MARISSA: And, on that note, what even is your job anyway?

EDGAR: I work in the front office of the Tracing Department. It’s similar to what I did when I worked in 116E at O.V.E.R.

CHANCE: Have you noticed any contradicting orders? Like Ty giving you an order, and then, minutes later, suddenly telling you to do something else?

EDGAR: Hmm… Now that you mention it. Normally, all of the documents that I file get duplicated and put into storage so that there’s a record of everything. But I was instructed to shred some documents this week. There’s a protocol for shredding documents. I usually send the files to another department who inspect the documents, and then shred them. But Ty wanted me to shred these documents right there inside of the Tracing Department. That’s not completely unheard of, but it’s mostly done in case of emergency. I’m not sure what emergency was going on. It happened suddenly after-hours. I was an hour late for getting home to make dinner for Mikey Bear.

MARISSA: Of course, he doesn’t cook.

CHANCE: Oh, you don’t want him to cook. Trust me. Ask Jam if you don’t believe me.

EDGAR: I don’t let Mikey Bear bring tuna into the house anymore.

MARISSA: That sound like your Evil Ty, Chris? The one who made him shred the documents?

CHANCE: I mean, maybe? But that doesn’t sound super evil on its own.

MARISSA: Alright, Edgar, here’s the skinny. Chris has spent the past several weeks fuckin’ around outside inside a fake forest from the outside on the inside of the Compound, and he’s noticed something weird going on. Did you know that’s his job? He gets to play in the woods all day.

EDGAR: That makes sense. You were a game warden before you went to work for O.V.E.R., right, Chris?

CHANCE: There we go! See, Marissa? Everyone knows that about me, because I told them.

MARISSA [continuing]: Anyway, and one day, an Evil iteration of Ty comes along, and tells him to leave the forest unlocked, probably so that someone could get in at night. That’s a big red flag, right? So we wanna know what happened in the Greenhouse. Somethin’ juicy is going on in there. …Maybe that’s where they’re planning on testing the Supernuke.

EDGAR: The… Supernuke?

MARISSA: Yuh-huh, you heard me. That’s what they’re making over at my job. Yeah. I work with the Supernuke. It’s pretty cool, but, you know, it’s actually not that big a deal. I hear they only ask the coolest badasses to work there. So, I guess that makes me like the Oppenheimer of the Compound.

CHANCE: M-Marissa, I don’t think you want to be Oppenheimer.

MARISSA: Uh, what are you talking about? I just watched the movie about him, and it was cool as fuck. …Man can rock a pair of rollerskates like no-one’s business.

EDGAR: I watched that movie with Mikey, actually. We both fell asleep on the couch halfway through, though.

CHANCE: I think Marissa might have fallen asleep halfway through, too.

MARISSA: That’s beside the point. Anyway, shit’s going down in the Greenhouse. That means we need access to security cameras, and your dipshit tuna-eating boyfriend knows how to get to the junk in the Trunk. So, we’re gonna need him to take us on a little tour so we can see what the hell’s going on around here.

CHANCE: Unless, Edgar, you know how to get into the Trunk?

EDGAR: I don’t know how to get into the Trunk. Mikey Bear told me about it, but he didn’t tell me how to get there. I know that there was a way to get there from the Dome, but I don’t think that we could get back in there undetected. They might have disabled all the life support systems. It might not even be suitable for human life anymore. Or they could have torn it down.

MARISSA: Aw, what? I wanted the blowtorches out of there! Man… They can’t tear it down!

EDGAR: I can’t help you get into the Trunk. You could wait for Mikey to come back, but I don’t know how long you would have to wait. I got the impression he will be gone for a while. I could put on some tea if you’re going to be here awhile.

CHANCE: I think we should get this done ASAP. We already started on the plan, and it’s a propagation risk if we stop and wait.

EDGAR: I’m not so sure that the Trunk is a good idea, anyway. According to Mikey, Outlaw Ty almost got captured after another Ty discovered him in the Trunk. I don’t think it’s safe to show up there without a plan.

CHANCE: There is one other option, but… Marissa isn’t gonna like it.

MARISSA: Don’t you dare.

CHANCE: We could get my boss involved.

MARISSA: Fuck no! We are not dragging Ty Fucking Betteridge into our plans, Chris. I don’t care how evil the Extra Evil Evil Ty is, that doesn’t mean we talk to Normal Evil Ty about him.

CHANCE: I mean, that was going to be the plan all along. I told you, I wanted to report Evil Ty in hopes that they would give us a reward, but you were too busy telling me about your plan to steal the Supernuke.

MARISSA: Yes, exactly. Fuck telling Ty. Let’s do that instead! Let’s steal the Supernuke.

CHANCE: That sounds like a great way to get caught by Ty, and end up spending the rest of our lives as medical experiments.

MARISSA: Ugh! Fine, alright! We’ll do it your way. …But I’m bringing the rocket launcher.

CHANCE: Of course you are.

MARISSA: And you can’t stop me, because I have a rocket launcher. See? It’s a perfect system.

CHANCE: Do you wanna come with us, Edgar? It would be nice to have another level head in there with me.

EDGAR: I’ll come with you. I think diplomacy might work better on Ty than a rocket launcher.

MARISSA: Not with that attitude! Listen, if things go sideways, and I mean when they go sideways, you’ll be glad that someone was smart enough to bring their trusty rocket launcher with them.

[Scene transition.]

TY: My, my. This is quite the inversion, isn’t it? Normally, I’m the one strong arming you into an interrogation room. Well. You have my attention. How can I help you?

EDGAR: We needed somewhere that we could talk in private.

MARISSA: You know the drill, Betteridge. Better start talkin’ to my associates here before this rocket launcher starts it off for you.

TY: Ah, good cop, bad cop, I see. Not to offer advice, but you’re maybe a bit too forward with the threats of violence, Marissa? Perhaps start by offering, uh, a ploopersplume. Uh, maybe a marrow-flavor one. I-I’ve got one right here, w– would you like one?

CHANCE: I’m pretty sure it’s not a real rocket launcher. It says “replica” on the back.

MARISSA: Do not contradict me in front of the enemy, Chris.

TY: [Sighs.] I am not your enemy, Marissa. Look, it sounds like you need my help, and I am more than happy to provide it to you. So why don’t we start at the beginning, it’s a very good place to start! Why did you bring me here?

CHANCE: Ty, do you remember a few days ago when you told me to make sure that the Greenhouse was locked up when I left? You said there was an increased security risk, and that I should be on high alert.

TY: Ugh! Of course I remember that day. You may have only received one warning about an “increased security risk,” but I received the same warning over and over again that day; my inbox was practically useless, because it was filled with warnings! It was incessant.

CHANCE: Do you remember the conversation that we had?

TY: I do remember the conversation. I keep track of every conversation that I have in order to reduce what you call “propagation.” My mind palace is impeccable. You know, ever since I started working here, I have never made a mistake.

CHANCE: Other than the warning, there was one other thing that we talked about. Do you remember what it was?

TY: Let’s see, uh… Yes, you were wearing shorts! Silly Chris. You know that you can’t wear shorts on the job. Not only does that violate the Compound dress code, but it is inadvisable for anyone working inside the Greenhouse. It might be hot in there, but you should not ever, ever, ever wear shorts! Especially with spindly, little legs like those. There are all kinds of insects and thornbushes and who knows what else. Well, I suppose you know what else, since that’s your job. But it’s not worth getting your legs all cut up and bitten and– whatnot– just to be a little bit cooler, is it?

CHANCE: Okay. Cool. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. This is the same Ty that told me to lock up the Greenhouse. He pointed out my shorts, and I went back to my apartment and changed into my pants. Evil Ty only saw me in my pants.

MARISSA: Which is a stupid fucking rule, just by the way. If it’s hot outside, then I’m wearing shorts. Sky’s out, thighs out, them’s the rules.

TY: We’re in Latvia, Marissa. It gets much hotter in Oldbrush Valley. If it gets over 38 degrees this summer, we can renegotiate.

MARISSA: I don’t trust anyone that uses Celsius. [Spitting noise.]

TY: And I don’t trust anyone who uses “pants” in place of trousers. Look, it’s simply the more logical system! There is the obvious starting point of it being 0 at water freezing and 100 at water boiling; it makes a lovely little scale. And yes, you may say, “Oh, but the 60s are cool, the 70s are nice, the 80s are hot, the 90s are boiling,” but it’s just the same for us! But we do 10 to 15 is cool, 15 to 20 is okay, 20 to 25 is nice and warm, 25 to 30 is getting a little bit higher, a-above 30 is just– it’s too hot. I know. I– I-I know this, but– It just makes things all nice and compact. Yes? Uh, it’s also very suitable for science, so much more suitable for science, than Fahrenheit is. And the fact that the rest of the world does it a little bit like month, day, year, that stupid system that you have in the States. If you want my honest opinion, I think we should all be using Kelvin, which is the same scale as Celsius, just shifted down by minus 273.15 degrees! Because that’s absolute zero. That’s where everything stops; there is no energy in the system whatsoever! And we start there at zero. But… meh, that makes room temperature about 300 degrees, which sounds just a li– a little bit too scary, so that’s why I think Celsius is probably the best way.

EDGAR: 100 Celsius is the temperature that water boils at. It makes everything more convenient in the kitchen.

TY: Yes, well… What were we talking about, again? Surely you didn’t bring me here to extol the virtues of Celsius.

MARISSA: Well, rumor has it, there’s an Evil Ty on the loose. Even more evil than you.

TY: [Scoffs.] There’s no such thing as an Evil Ty. We’re all the same person. That’s the only way that the Compound systems works. We have to all be in sync, and we are. …With some… rare, outlined exceptions.

EDGAR: I think this might be one of the exceptions, Ty.

CHANCE: After you told me to lock up the Greenhouse, another Ty told me to leave my keys on the desk when I left for the night. I thought it was still you, and so I didn’t think anything of it. I just thought your instructions changed. But it’s clear to me that something’s going on.

TY: Chris, I would never ask you to leave your keys on the desk.

CHANCE: Right, tha– that’s what I thought was strange.

EDGAR: We wanna see what happens in the Greenhouse that night. Do you think that you could lead us into the Trunk, Ty? There should be security cameras in there, and those cameras should have what we are looking for.

MARISSA: Your greenhouse, your responsibility, Ty. Your grass, your ass, or else it’s your ass that’s grass, and it won’t be because of me. Better take us to the Trunk so we can figure all this shit out, and get it over with.

EDGAR: It would be better for everyone if this rogue Ty got apprehended. For all we know, they could want to hurt Base.

TY: Fine. I’ll take you to the Trunk, and you will show me where and when you encountered this… “Evil Ty.” And you will not tell a soul that I brought you down there, do you understand?

CHANCE: Absolutely.

EDGAR: My lips are sealed.

MARISSA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s go already. [In Cantonese.] Faai³ di¹ zau² [快啲走].

[Scene transition.]

[We hear typing on a keyboard in the Trunk.]

TY: Alright, Chris. Is that the correct time that you left work the evening that you saw this supposed Evil Ty?

CHANCE: Yup, that looks right to me.

TY: Ah, yes. There you are, wearing trousers just like I asked you to.

MARISSA: [Humphs.] Teacher’s pet.

TY: From here, I can set it to fast forward and to stop whenever the camera detects movement. Here we go, and… there! Just need to wait a little bit. Uh… Anyone for flimbobble? Ope! No, there, there, there’s the movement! Ack, you really shouldn’t have left your keys on the desk, Chris. We were bombarded with alerts all day. I’ll have to change protocol after this to ensure it never happens again. I should have been more stern with you when I told you to lock up. But you’re a good employee, and I wanted to be a good boss. And I was already chastising you about the dress code, and–

MARISSA: Yeah, yeah, you’re a great boss. Jesus. Fast forward already, I wanna see the culprit.

EDGAR: There he is!

CHANCE: No fuckin’ way, is that Mikey?

EDGAR: That’s my Mikey Bear. Or an iteration of him, at least.

CHANCE: Why would Mikey want something out of the Greenhouse?

EDGAR: I don’t know. He never said anything to me about it. I didn’t even know that the Greenhouse existed until today.

CHANCE: Ty, do you think that we can use this information to figure out why he went in there?

TY: Mm… I’ll have to talk to Tracing.

MARISSA: No, no! Mm-mm. We are not involving anyone else. This stays between us.

TY: I can vouch for the iteration that runs Tracing. Don’t tell Kaz, but he is a good friend of mine. I can get him to do a trace in confidence. He’ll give us the coordinates, so we can figure out what happened that night ourselves. Nobody else has to know.

MARISSA: Okay. …But if this gets out to the rest of the Tys, you know what’s going to happen?

TY: You’re going to shoot me with a rocket launcher.

MARISSA: I’m gonna shoot you with the rocket launcher.

[Closing theme starts playing.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE.

The voice of Chance was Taylor Michaels. You can check him out in The Grotto.

The voice of Marissa Ng was Michelle Kan. Check them out on Twitter at fswrites.

The voice of Edgar was Jeremy Enfinger. Check out his podcast The Storage Papers.

[Rapping.] And the voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out his podcast Shadows At The Door, or go to davidault.co.uk for more. [Stops rapping.]

Thanks for playing.

[Closing theme plays out.]