154: Swimming

SUMMARY

Here we are. The O.V.E.R. gift shop. Would you like a $54.99 O.V.E.R.-branded cowboy hat?

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript by Theo and reviewed and edited by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 154.]

INTRO: Hey, guys, quick plugs. They’re the regular plugs. I’m still streaming on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday evening I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. The stream has a fancy, new layout, and we are finishing up Kentucky Route Zero. I’m doing voices for all the characters in Kentucky Route Zero, so it’s sort of like me doing an audio drama in real time, so check that out if that sounds fun to you. That is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you would like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack album, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. And one of the “and more” is a complete list of everything that 1980 Ty sent to the dropbox. It is over three straight minutes of Ty Betteridge just listing things. Again, that is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[We hear a door open into a spacious room with lots of reverb.]

HELEN [confused]: Ty? [Starts walking.] Ty, are you in here? You said 9:30, right? It’s… 9:32. Where are you? [Slightly disgruntled.] This isn’t some sort of trick, is it? C’mon, Ty! If you’re hiding somewhere in order to jump out at me, it isn’t funny!

[We hear the time travel noise. Ty arrives, falls to the ground, and grunts.]

TY [through nausea]: Ta-da! Hello, Helen. Glad you could make it.

HELEN: What the hell was that, Ty?

TY: [Stammers.] What time is it?

HELEN: 9:32…33, now.

TY: Excellent. Before I used the Calculator, it was 9:18. I have successfully moved forward through time by, well, 15 minutes.

HELEN: So it works? You did it just now. It works on people, and everything.

TY: I’ve done it… three times at this point. I had to make sure that it was safe if we were going to use it for our mission today, after all. I had to be certain it was going to work every single time. And I definitely wasn’t going to subject you to it if there was a risk that you would come out of the other side in pieces. A lot of blood was spilled in order for me to learn how to do that. Well… I suppose, more accurately, a lot of hemolymph was spilled. Consequently, there are several caterpillars that are lost in spacetime, so, uh, keep your eyes peeled for them. I never did figure out where they ended up… or the owl… Ah! That’s all water under the bridge now. I got it working, and we are ready to sojourn into 2024!

HELEN: How certain are you that Walters is from 2024?

TY: Ah. Elementary, my dear Helen. Both his wireless telephone and his handheld computer have calendars on them, and they are still operating. So, the date that he left his time period for O.V.E.R. is the date on the calendar, minus the amount of time that these devices have been with us in 1980!

HELEN: The date could still be wrong. Do we know how time travel interacts with electronic devices?

TY: See for yourself! I’ve got a digital watch, and, as you can see, the time reads 9:20. It’s 15 minutes behind, because the watch and I came from 15 minutes in the past. That is how I am certain that Mike Walters came back here from the year 2024.

HELEN: I guess that makes sense. In the time Walters came from, he said that my Jerry was fully grown, so… Wow. He would be… quite a bit older than me in his time.

TY: Heh. It’s certainly a curiosity, isn’t it?

HELEN: Do you think… No. That’s silly. [Pause.] Do you think we could see him? Jerry, I mean. Walters made it sound like he was still working at O.V.E.R. in his time.

TY: Ah. That’s not silly, Helen. It’s extremely dangerous. You’re the one that taught me about this whole “propagation” idea. There is an inherent risk to speaking to future versions of ourselves or people that we know in this time period. They know about the outcomes of events that are still ongoing for us. They could tell us something that changes those outcomes, and that might not always work out in our favor.

HELEN: But… we’re already gonna be messing with the timeline, aren’t we? That’s why we’re going to the future. To change things.

TY: Well, let’s not change anything that we don’t have to. Much better to stick to the plan: we time travel to the year 2024. From there, we hike south, into Oldbrush Valley. After we walk into town, I’d like to see if I can get the telephone and the computer operating correctly. Mike Walters made it sound as though there was some… infrastructure in his time period that made them work. It will also give us a chance to rest after the long walk. After that, we’ll head into O.V.E.R., and see if we can get a lead on Mike Walters.

HELEN: What do you mean, we’re gonna “walk into town”?

TY: Well, it’s not like we can tell it to take us to this exact spot in 2024. Oh, that reminds me, you… do know how to swim, don’t you?

HELEN: What!?

TY: We’ll have lifejackets, of course, but it will be a fairly lengthy swim once we arrive.

HELEN: Why can’t we just arrive in this spot in 2024? Why are we swimming? Where are we swimming?

TY: We don’t know what the future looks like, so we need to exercise an abundance of caution. Mike Walters all but confirmed that O.V.E.R. still exists, and that they have time travel technology. As of 1980, they’re in the middle of expanding. Who knows what the campus is going to look like in 44 years. This building might not even be here. I think there’s a high likelihood it will be knocked down and replaced by then. After all, what’s competent government for? That means that we can’t arrive in this exact spot, or we risk intersecting with a wall or a tree or a conference room full of witnesses. And we definitely don’t want witnesses, least of all because I vomited my first time, and there’s a good chance you might, as well.

HELEN: Okay. I concede… that we can’t do it here. But why swimming?

TY: The lake!

HELEN: We’re going to the lake?

TY: Well, I racked my brain over it, and the lake is the only place that I can say with near certainty will still be there and not have any new obstructions built on it. O.V.E.R. or the Oldbrush Valley city government could put buildings on every other square inch, but unless they drain the lake, it is still going to be there. Mike Walters had the luxury of knowing what O.V.E.R. in 1980 was going to look like. We can’t say the same for O.V.E.R. in 2024.

HELEN: Ty, the lake is 20 miles from here. Technically, it’s not even within Oldbrush County, it’s over the border.

TY: Well, where would you prefer, the Pacific Ocean? It is the only safe spot that I found for us to land. You’re free to suggest an alternative, but I combed through every inch of the atlas, and the lake was the closest safe spot I could find. You’re not afraid of a long walk, are you? I thought you were a patrol officer.

HELEN: No! I don’t have a patrol route, I manage patrol officers. [Sighs.] It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine? I don’t want to walk 20 miles in a strange time period, but… I will if it’s the only way to get there. I just know it isn’t going to be very pleasant.

TY: It’s going to be worth the walk, Helen. Don’t you want to know what the future is like? How all of this technology is supposed to work? And, once we get Mike Walters on our side with us, we’ll really be able to start figuring out how everything works. And you’ll get to go to heaven, because Mike Walters will no longer be bleeding to death with two pints of gravy and an owl inside of that dropbox.

HELEN: He wasn’t hurt that badly, Ty.

TY: You shot him while he was holding the Calculator; you hit him, I saw it, right in the chest! Things spurted out of him. You know, red and… horrible.

HELEN: I don’t think I hit him.

TY: Well, now we’ll never have to know.

HELEN: Is that even how any of it works? Okay, we show up in his time period, before he comes back to 1980. And so the night I shot him never happens? But if that’s true, and he never goes to 1980, which means we don’t have the Calculator, so none of this happens at all. Which means that he would end up going to 1980…

TY: I am far from an expert in time travel causality. All I’ve done is watch those first four Doctors. I don’t think that there are any experts yet, but something has to break the time loop. Mike Walters came to 1980 to do a job, didn’t he? He was expecting to complete that job, and not create a time loop in which he didn’t come here.

HELEN: Er, right… I don’t understand…

TY: I think that we’ll have a better understanding after the mission. So we show up, we find Mike, we tell him, “We are time travelers from the first ever time travel organization. We know who you are, Mike Walters. You are going to die if you don’t come with us.” After that, he either comes back to 1980 and believes that he is working with us this time, or something changes so that none of this happened, which is not a catastrophic outcome.

HELEN: And what if Walters doesn’t wanna come back with us?

TY [a little teasing]: Then Mike Walters bleeds to death in that little dropbox of his, and we put the “hell” in Helen Hartley.

HELEN: Not funny! [Huffs.] We could always return to the night that I shot him, and stop me from doing that.

TY: Yes, well, we’ll park that discussion for if this mission goes awry. Correction or not, Mike Walters was never going to join our side. He was always going to be scheming against us, trying to retrieve his equipment. If we find him before he knows who we are or how we have a Calculator, we can convince him that this was his idea the entire time. And we’ll learn so much about the technology and the future in the process!

[Helen yelps.]

TY: Oh! Haha. So, that’s where you ended up. Ah, don’t worry, Helen, it’s just a caterpillar. He must have ended up in the rafters and fell on you. Oh! And please don’t squish him! Poor ButterTy has been through enough today.

HELEN: ButterTy? Ty, he’s a caterpillar.

TY: It’s an aspirational name.

HELEN: Are you sure this is safe? We’re not going to fall from 30 feet into the lake, are we?

TY: I can assure you that it is nearly perfectly safe. There were a dozen caterpillars after ButterTy that traveled through time without incident or injury. Uh, there was FeliciTy; uh, HumphTy; SereniTy; VeriTy; Tyra; Tyet; uh, Tysander; uh, the French triplets, LiberTy, FraterniTy, and ÉgaliTy; and DoriTy. And the friend of DoriTy. It was only after I had achieved a 100 percent success rate that I started experimenting on myself; I myself have time traveled three times now, and each time was without incident. Nauseating and unpleasant, yes. But perfectly safe, as far as I can tell.

HELEN: Three out of three isn’t a large sample size. Ty, you’re supposed to be the smart one.

TY: If you’re that scared, you don’t have to come with me. But I am going, with or without you. The scientific potential is too great to pass up. Plus, we don’t know what Mike’s colleagues are going to do when they find him in that dropbox. Surely, they will eventually find him, but who knows? They might have already sent agents back here to investigate! Now is the right time for the mission. Are you coming with me?

HELEN [dithering]: I–… [Sighs.] Fine! Fine, Ty, I’m going with you. But you should know that if something happens to us, and we die, I am so going to kick your ass in heaven.

TY: Well, assuming that’s where you go. [Pause.] Oh, I know, not funny. And I will deserve the ass-kicking, if such a thing is allowed in heaven. Of the fifth dimension, or… um, Bognor Regis. Wherever we end up. Are you ready to go?

HELEN: I’m ready if you are.

TY: Excellent. Put this on.

[We hear them put on lifejackets.]

TY: Alright, lifejackets are on. The telephone and the computer are protected from water damage. We are ready to go to the year 2024. Now, Helen, I just need you to stand… right here. [Pause.] Yes. That’s right, yes. Lovely. And I will stand here… and we are ready to go. Would you like to do the honors for us, Helen?

HELEN: I guess so. Alright… see you in 2024, Ty.

TY: See you soon, Helen.

HELEN: In three… two… one…

[Time travel noise.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[We hear footsteps as Ty and Helen approach the gate.]

HELEN: This is never going to work, Ty. We look way too suspicious.

TY: Oh, relax. It’s only Tier One. And according to the pamphlet that I found at the Oldbrush Valley Welcome Center, “Journalists and visitors may be granted a day pass into Oldbrush Valley Energy And Resources, subject to terms and conditions. Please scan the QR code to learn more.”

HELEN: I don’t know what that is.

TY: I don’t either, but it sounds like they still let people inside Tier One fairly easily. No one’s going to recognize us, we can slip right in, and start looking for Mike.

HELEN: We are going to stick out like sore thumbs, Ty. My hair’s still wet from falling in the lake!

TY: If anyone asks, say that you just got out of the shower. Though, if you had wanted to dry off more, we could have walked the 20 miles as I had originally intended, instead of taking a cab.

HELEN: That wasn’t a cab. It was a random stranger that you summoned with Mike’s telephone.

TY: Well, the random stranger was a cab. At least, that’s how that program on his phone made it seem. And it automatically charged Mike Walters for the ride! I just hope they get paid a fair wage. But that’s 2024 for you, Helen.

HELEN: Ooh… Can we charge more things to Mike’s bank account?

TY: We should try, at the very least. The O.V.E.R. flyer does say that there’s a gift shop now.

HELEN: As if I needed more things with the O.V.E.R. logo on them. I already have more pens than I’ll ever use.

TY: We’re here. This appears to be the intercom system. So. Are you ready, Helen? Do you know what you’re going to say?

HELEN: Yeah… I think so. [Sighs.] This had better not be a mistake, Ty.

TY: I’ve never made a mistake in my life. And in the event that this is my very first one, I have the Calculator handy. I can get us out of here and back to 1980 in the blink of an eye. …And hopefully we won’t get stuck in the rafters like ButterTy.

HELEN: If you can get it working before some government officials get us in handcuffs, you mean.

TY: Nothing’s going to happen, we’re going to be fine. …Push the button.

[Helen pushes the button.]

TROY [over the intercom]: Welcome to Oldbrush Valley Energy and Resources. Can I take your order, please?

HELEN [confused]: Hi… Uh, my friend and I were hoping to get two-day passes into O.V.E.R?

TROY [over the intercom]: I believe I can do that for ya. Gimme just a second here. What’s, uh, what’s your name?

HELEN: Helen. Hartley… [Muttering to Ty.] Was I supposed to make up a name?

TY: Too late now!

TROY [over the intercom]: No, ma’am! You were not supposed to make up a name. So, “Helen,” ya said. Oh! Like, uh– uh– Helen of Troy! [Awkwardly long pause.] You know, uh… My name’s also Troy. So. That’s kinda cool.

HELEN: Oh! Well… Hi, Troy. Nice to meet you. Are you going to let us in?

TROY [over the intercom]: Alright, just give me a second here, ma’am. And what’s your, uh– What’s your friend’s name, by the way? Not– Not me, your other friend. …We’re friends now.

TY: Ty Betteridge.

TROY [over the intercom]: Alright there, sir, lemme just write your names down in the guestbook; so just to confirm, I’ve got Helen of Troy and Try Better. You know, that name sounds, uh, sounds familiar. “Try Better.” That’s what my boss is always telling me, you know what I mean? Hah, fucking bosses, am I right? Ugh! Always ask you to “show up on time” and “stop sleeping on the job” and “write the names down right” and “did you actually get your GED?” …I’m gonna open the gate now. Uh, please give the gate clearance. Let it open up, and then step up to the window, and I will give you your day passes.

HELEN: Oh! Thank you so much.

TROY: You’re welcome!

[The gate begins to open.]

TY: I told you it wasn’t going to be any problem.

HELEN: That guy… Troy? Well, let’s just say that I would never hire him.

TY: [Noncommittal noise.] I’m not sure that having him guard the gate is better than nothing, frankly…

[The gate stops opening.]

TROY: Alright. Here you go, sir. Here you go, ma’am. Those are your day passes. You know, there are also maps of the areas that you’re allowed into with those day passes in the gift shop. Please consider buying something in there, because I actually get to keep a portion of the money, because sometimes I sweep in there, and I find cash in one of the drawers.

TY: I– Yes, thank you, we’ll– we’ll do that, uh… [Forgot Troy’s name.]

TROY: …It’s, uh. It’s Troy. Like Try, but with an “o.” You know, like Helen of Troy and Troy Better. Yo, we could start a band. Three Troys. Tres Troys. The Troy Boys. Troy Boys, oh! I call bass. I can’t play bass, but I think it looks cool whenever I squiggle my fingers like that.

TY: Troy. Uh, would you happen to know an employee by the name Mike Walters?

TROY: Oh, you’re talking about Mike E Walters! He’s the– the guy. The one guy. He’s got, like, a… a hat. He’s a cowboy? And I think maybe a magician now? He– He showed me this cool magic trick where it looked like there were two of him today. It’s funny that you asked on the day that I saw him, cause honestly, any other day, I probably wouldn’t have remembered.

HELEN: Do you know where we might find him?

TROY: Uh, sorry, no clue. Maybe try the cafeteria? You can find it on the map.

TY: Excellent. We’ll do just that. Thank you so much for your time, Troy.

TROY: Of course, of course. Have fun. I’ll catch ya later.

HELEN: We will…

[Helen and Ty start walking.]

TY: So, the good news is that Mike Walters is in here somewhere. I suppose our next step is to get a map, find the cafeteria, maybe ask around.

HELEN: He’s definitely a patrol guard. He knew about the patrol protocols and the carts without having to be taught anything about them. So, I imagine the other patrol officers will know who he is. Maybe one of them could point us in the right direction. We should see some of them while we’re walking around.

TY: Good thinking. I just want to say here, though, that I didn’t forget Troy’s name, because that would involve me making a mistake. So, um, I was merely playing. Just– Just wanted to say that, Helen. That’s all. …Here we are. The O.V.E.R. gift shop.

[The gift shop door opens. We hear Charlie humming to herself while she tidies up.]

TY: Oof. Would you like a 54.99 O.V.E.R.-branded cowboy hat?

HELEN: I think I’ll pass.

CHARLIE: Hi, there! Welcome in. Is there anything that I can help you… [Recognizes Ty.] uh, find?

TY: Uh, we are looking for a map.

CHARLIE [pretending not to recognize]: Su– Uh, sure! Uh-huh, yeah. Um, they’re– they’re right here. All of the areas that are marked in blue are places you are allowed to visit with just a day pass. As for the rest of it, um, any of those other colors that you see there? All of those require special clearance, and all that jazz, so don’t go there!

HELEN: Good to know! Thanks.

CHARLIE: Oh! Uh, yeah, no problem. Uh, I’m Charlie. By the way, um… I didn’t catch your names…

HELEN: I’m Helen.

TY: And I’m Ty. Ty Betteridge. It’s nice to meet you, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Yes. Nice to meet you, too. Uh… Are you guys… looking to do anything in particular? When you guys are here? Or are you just… sightseeing? The grounds are gorgeous.

TY: We’re actually looking for someone named, uh, Mike Walters. Do you know him at all?

CHARLIE: Oh! Yeah. Of course. I know Mike Walters. …Does he know that you’re here?

HELEN: No, we were planning to surprise him. Do you know where he might be?

CHARLIE: Uh– No, I don’t, but I can figure that out for you real quick, no big deal. Um, I have his phone number, so I’ll just… shoot him a quick, little text. Sound good to you guys?

TY: If you wouldn’t mind.

HELEN: Don’t tell him we’re here. Just ask him where we can find him.

CHARLIE: Oh! Okay. Uh… Yep, it’s a surprise. Got it. My lips are sealed; I won’t say a thing. I’m just gonna step away for a moment, and shoot him a text. Back in a jiffy! Make yourselves comfortable. We have some cute cowboy hats over there I think you guys should try on. You guys can make everyone here! Heh. Yeehaw…

[Charlie exits through the gift shop door.]

[Scene transition.]

CHARLIE [Joker mode]: I–! I cannot–! Okay, can you explain to me. Even at all. Just the tiniest bit, Troy. Why the hell you let Ty Betteridge into O.V.E.R.! Do you understand what’s at risk here, Troy!? Like, the consequences for this are astronomical! I cannot believe that you, for a second, thought this was gonna be okay! I made those flashcards and everything specifically so something like this wouldn’t happen, Troy! You have one job! This is, like, the biggest mistake you could’ve possibly made on the gates! Do you have anything to say for yourself.

TROY [whimpering]: They’re both Troys, man! We’re the Troy Boys, and I… I thought they were friends. I don’t know, like, I thought maybe we were cousins. We have the same name. I don’t– I don’t know, I’m sorry, like, I–… Please, please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry, I just– I– I got– I gotta watch out for my guys, you know?

CHARLIE: I’m not mad. [Brief pause.] Okay, I’m mad! But it’s not a problem. They’re here looking for Mikey, so…? I don’t know, maybe Mikey knows what they’re up to? I’m gonna call him. You! Stay put.

TROY: Okay. Uh, I’m s… I’m sorry, again, um… That’s a good idea. Um. Put it on speakerphone so I’m not… [The phone starts to ring.] lonely…

[The phone rings a couple times.]

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Hey… Charlie, um… Is this… important? I’ve had a… day…

CHARLIE: Ty Betteridge is here looking for you, Mikey.

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Wha– What? What do you mea– He’s at O.V.E.R.? H-How did–? Did he know that I went–? He shouldn’t be looking for me, I didn’t have any work duties today; it’s none of his business where I am.

CHARLIE: Um! Mikey. I don’t… think this is an iteration of Ty from the Compound. He didn’t recognize me at all, and he doesn’t look anything like the Tys I’ve ever seen before. And he’s with some woman, and I’ve never seen her before, either. Troy… what did you say her name was? Please tell me you remember.

TROY: Oh! Her name was Helen of Troy. H-E-L-E-N. O-F… Troy.

CHARLIE: [Huffs.] Her name is not Helen of Troy, Troy. What is her name? This is important.

TROY: I’m gonna be honest with you, I thought it was Helen of Troy. If that’s not her name, I– I just don’t know.

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Is it Helen Hartley?

TROY: Oh, my god, that’s it! Dude, I knew you were a magician, bro. I’m telling you! The magic trick’s on point today!

CHARLIE: Hartley? As in Hunter Hartley.

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Helen is Hunter’s mom.

CHARLIE: No, that can’t be right! She was way too young to be Hunter’s mom. She couldn’t have been much older than 30? If even?

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Okay, Charlie. There’s way too much to go into right now, but I know who she is because I saw her employee file. Helen worked at O.V.E.R. in 1980. I got the file out of a red flag cabin because Nobody told me to, but I lost Stinky, and then I went to Tex, and he had the file too for some reason, and then me and the other Mikes got together, and we slam consolidated Lieutenant.

TROY: Mikey… I’m gonna be honest with you, I did not understand a word of that.

CHARLIE: Um… Yeah, Mikey, I didn’t understand that, either.

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Well, the cliff notes are it’s Hunter’s mom, and she’s here from 1980.

CHARLIE: But… [Stammers.] how?

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Time travel, Charlie. Ty Betteridge.

CHARLIE: Okay, so… In that case, what should we do? They said that they were here to see you specifically.

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: I’m gonna take a page from the Michael playbook here. [Imitates Michael’s voice.] You gotta shoot ’em, pard.

CHARLIE: Mikey! You know how I feel about that. That’s not alright!

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: I’m really only half-kidding, Charlie. I– I don’t know, can you get them alone somewhere?

CHARLIE: Um… I– I guess so? Let’s see, um… I… could take them to my cabin, and tell them that it’s your cabin. Do you think that would work?

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: I don’t see why not. Okay, uh, that’s the plan, then. I’m gonna grab Mike and Michael, and we’re gonna head over.

CHARLIE: Michael? What? But–! No, but Michael isn’t who he says he is.

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Like I said, we slam consolidated him. Problem 6465th solved.

TROY [doesn’t actually get it]: Right, right. Yeah, I gotcha, Mikey, that’s, uh. Yeah. That’s…

CHARLIE: So… Okay, so it sounds like he’s Michael again, then. That’s great, isn’t it?

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: So, that depends on your definition of “Michael” and your definition of “great.” But I can vouch for him, he’s on our side. So, uh… you’re ready for us right now?

CHARLIE: Oh! Uh… Yeah. I guess we’re ready.

MIKEY [through the phone speaker]: Alright, great. Uh, I don’t wanna waste any more time, so I’m gonna break linear, and we’re gonna be there right… now.

[Time travel noise.]

MICHAEL: Howdy, folks. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

MIKE: You, uh, left the gate unlocked, I see.

CHARLIE: Troy forgot to close it after he let Helen and Ty in.

MIKEY: Classic Troy.

TROY: Yo, my man, Biscuits and Gravy! How’s it goin’?

MIKEY: Hi, Tater Hot Hotdot. It’s… goin’. Good to see you again.

MICHAEL: Mikey here says we need to hogtie us a couple varmints.

CHARLIE: Hell yeah, we are. So. What’s the plan, guys?

MIKE: I think the best course of action would be for you to take them to your cabin the long way around. The three of us will take a shortcut, and beat you there, and hide. And then we’ll jump out and confront them when you get there.

MICHAEL: Mikey told me I ain’t allowed to shoot ’em.

MIKEY: Michael, you don’t want to shoot them. Not in front of Troy.

MIKE: It’s important that we have the element of surprise, so try not to spook them. You said that this iteration of Helen is really young, right?

CHARLIE: Yep. And, um, Ty is, too, by the way. Younger than the other Tys at the Compound, at least.

MIKEY: And Helen Hartley was dead in our timeline, and she was old when she died a couple of years ago. Which I think is evidence for my theory. I think that they’re from 1980. And that has to be connected with why Nobody was so interested in procuring her file. And if they traveled from 1980, then they had to have gotten here somehow, which means that they might have a Calculator. So it is doubly important not to spook them, because they could use that Calculator to make a break for it.

MICHAEL: We need ’em cuffed ‘fore they know what’s goin’ on.

MIKE: So show them around, and make sure that they have their guard all the way down by the time you get to your cabin.

CHARLIE: Showtime. Troy and I are gonna be the best O.V.E.R. tour guides ever! We’ll show them around, take ’em to some public-facing buildings, show it all off. And then… wrap it up by heading back to my place to arrest ’em. You think we can handle that, Troy?

TROY: Arrest them? Y’all, I don’t even have handcuffs on me, I’m not arresting anybody.

CHARLIE: [Huffs.] Troy! You don’t know where your handcuffs are?

TROY: Charlie. The handcuffs hurt my wrists, so I don’t have them anymore. They’re under the bed.

CHARLIE: W– No, you’re not supposed to put them on, goofy. They’re for other people!

TROY: Yes, you are. You’re not gonna trick me today, okay? I know you put one end on the criminal, and you put one end on you; that way, they don’t run off..

MIKEY: You have two pairs of handcuffs, right, Charlie?

MICHAEL: If not, uh, I can fashion somethin’ out o’ the stuff in this here gift shop, I reckon.

CHARLIE: [Brief laugh.] You know it! Firsthand experience, if I recall.

MIKEY: Oh, memories… Bad memories…

MICHAEL: I’ll help Charlie with the arrest. Handcuffs are just metal hogties anyway. And arrestin’ someone’s kinda like shootin’ someone, but you’re just shootin’ ’em in their freedom. And lyin’ in wait in the bushes is kinda like ridin’ a horse into battle. Except the… horses is your feet. And the open plains is… a bush.

MIKEY: It’s good to have you back, Michael.

MICHAEL: Good to be back, pilgrim. Now let’s bag us some time travelers.

[Scene transition.]

[We hear Charlie, Troy, Helen, and Ty walking.]

HELEN: Thanks for showing us the movie vault, Charlie.

TY: I didn’t even know that O.V.E.R. made films, much less that there was a sci-fi movie about Oldbrush Valley.

CHARLIE: Yeah, it’s pretty cool, right? It Came From Oldbrush Valley was a propaganda video from… I think the ’50s? Sometime around there? It was funded by O.V.E.R. They wanted to generate all of these false and convincing conspiracy theory videos to distract from the actual cold war research that they were actually doing here? Kind of a convoluted plan, but it seems to have worked out in their favor. And, admittedly, the movies aren’t half-bad. [Brief chuckle.]

TROY [earnestly]: Maybe there are actually aliens here at O.V.E.R., and then they made the movie to make everyone think that the aliens were just movie stuff. Or, maybe there aren’t aliens at O.V.E.R., and they made the movie so people would think they made the movie so that– they would know there were aliens here, because there aren’t aliens here, but they want people to think there are aliens here, so you don’t know about the aliens that aren’t here.

CHARLIE: [Chuckles.] Could be!

HELEN: That was a lot of fun, Charlie. But are you taking us to Mike Walters now?

CHARLIE: Mm. Yep! We are coming up on his cabin right about now. I just shot him a text to make sure that he’s in there, but he doesn’t know that we’re coming; I promise I didn’t tell him.

TROY: Wait, he doesn’t know?

CHARLIE: No, Troy. He doesn’t know. But! He will if we keep talking so loud, so… hush.

TROY: Huh!? Oh, right, sorry. [Clears throat.] I won’t– I won’t ruin the surprise…

CHARLIE: This is the one.

HELEN: It’s this one, right here?

CHARLIE: Yup. Right there. This is the one…

[They all stop walking.]

TY: I can see through the window that… well, Mike has more pink furniture than I would have imagined…

HELEN: Is this… actually Mike’s cabin?

TY: W-What is going on here?

MICHAEL: Cover’s blown. Get ’em, boys!

MIKE: Charlie, cuff her!

[A scuffle breaks out. The characters’ voices overlap each other.]

HELEN [overlapping]: Hey! You can’t do this! What’s going on? We just wanted to see Mike. Ty! The Calculator, the Calculator! There’s more than one Mike!? Which one of you is Walters? Hey! Get off me! He has fragile bones, get off of him! [Huffs.]

MIKE [overlapping]: We need to get them inside before someone sees this. [Pause.] Charlie, check her for the Calculator.

CHARLIE [overlapping]: Hey! C’mere! No, come– come back here! Troy, get the door! [Pause.] Troy, you need to open the door! We need to get them inside! Now! Ty’s got the Calculator. Wait! He’s got the Calculator! Michael! Stop him! [Pause.] Ow! Helen! Hair-pulling!? Really!? God!

TROY [overlapping]: [Panicked yelling.] I don’t know what’s happening! Oh, god! Uh…! This is the worst—! Uh… Uh… The door! The door. Right! Uh. Why does… Mike have so much pink furniture anyway? Oh, this is Charlie’s cabin! That’s right. Uh. C’mon, let’s get them inside! Get the Calculator! He’s gonna do the math!

MIKEY [overlapping]: Troy, open the door! We need to get inside. [Pause.] You got it, Michael? [Pause.] Alright, get him in the door.

TY [overlapping]: [Grunts and struggles.] Get your hands off me, you buffoon! Why are you a cowboy? You’re not Mike! Let go of me, this is all a m– misunderstanding! I’m– I’m getting us out of here, Helen! Now, just– hold still! [Pause.] Oof.

MICHAEL [overlapping]: [To Ty.] I’m Michael, you varmint. [To Mikey.] I’m okay there, pard. [Back to Ty.] You’re coming with me. Alright, in you go.

[Scuffle ends.]

CHARLIE: God, I wish Marissa was here!

MICHAEL: Marissa woulda killed one of ’em. Prolly Ty Betteridge. Speakin’ o’ Ty Betteridge, I found the dang Calculator. Ty had it. He punched a buncha numbers in ‘fore I could get to ‘im.

TY: Dammit! Why isn’t it working!?

MICHAEL: Looks like you folks got it wet.

HELEN: Huh? How did you know?

MICHAEL: Helen, your hair is still wet.

MIKE: Oh, you guys came from the lake. Michael, is this where we got the idea to do that?

MICHAEL: Not a clue, but that’s why we ain’t doin’ it no more. Too hard to keep the Calculator dry on the swim to shore.

MIKEY: Well, hi, Helen. Hi, Ty. While we have you handcuffed, that might be a great time to start explaining yourself, uh, starting with how you know Nobody.

HELEN [confused]: Nobody… That’s what Walters was calling himself. I thought you were Walters. That’s who we’re looking for, not you. That’s why we’re here.

MIKEY: Great, so we’re both looking for Nobody.

MICHAEL: Where was the last place y’all folks saw ‘im at?

TY: It was 1980. With a gunshot wound in his chest, I’m afraid. He’s not there anymore, though…

[Closing theme starts playing.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE.

The voice of Helen Hartley was Tatiana Gefter. Check out their podcast Soul Operator. I’m in that one.

The voice of Troy was Athan. Check out his podcast The Grotto. I’m in that one.

The voice of Charlie was Lyssa Jay. Check out their podcast 400 Words A Horror and The Grotto. I’m still in that one.

[Rapping.] And the voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out his podcast Shadows At The Door, or go to davidault.co.uk for more. [Stops rapping.] I’m not in Shadows At The Door.

Thanks for playing.

[Closing theme plays out.]