150: Training

SUMMARY

We’re going to have to run some errands today.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript by Theo, reviewed and edited by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 150.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Quick plugs. Welcome to the Season 13 mid-season finale. It is that time already, somehow. I hope you’ve been enjoying this season so far (I definitely have), and there will be an intermission next week. In other news, I am still streaming on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and we hang out and play a video game, currently Kentucky Route Zero. There was a lot of memery and in-jokes while I was writing the soundtrack this week, and some of that made it into the soundtrack. So if you’d like to come hang out and participate and be able to say, “Oh! I remember talking about that when parts of the soundtrack play,” that is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. This past week, I put up the February Q&A for $2-and-up patrons, where, for almost an hour, I talk about my craft and behind-the-scenes stuff and my thoughts and how I think stories work and whatever ridiculous thing my listeners have come up with to ask me that month. Again, That is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Opening theme plays.]

MIKEY: Blank-U-blank-E-R. Uh, blank-U-blank-E-R, umm… F-U-T-E-R. Futer… Uh… L-U-N-E-R, luner with an “e” instead of an “a.” Uh, Q. Q-U-E-E-R. Queer? Could it– Can it be queer? Is “queer” in the wordlist? …N-No, it can’t–… It–… Well, “leggy”‘s in the wordlist…

STORAGE [faint]: Are you playing Wordle in there? What letters do you have?

MIKEY: You’re not here, Storage Mikey! Because you don’t exist, and people who don’t exist don’t make any noise! They sit in the closet, and they’re grateful that they aren’t rotting away inside of Compound Storage!

STORAGE [faint]: My knees hurt from sitting in here. You can’t keep me in here all day; I’m coming out.

MIKEY: I can and will keep you in there, Storage Mikey, because you won’t tell me who you are. Maybe if we started there, we could have this conversation, but–

[Time travel sound. We hear papers rustle.]

MIKEY [startled]: What the fuck–? [Exhales.] Someone transported [Holds papers.] papers onto the desk. [Huffs.] “Nobody’s Instructions, Day One.” What does “Nobody Instructions” mean…? Oh… Ew. No. That’s– This is from Weird Mikey? That’s what he’s calling himself? Hey, uh, Nobody, you can’t just drop shit into the apartment, okay? Somebody could’ve seen this, you know. What if Edgar hadn’t left for work yet? What if Ty decided to transport in, because yeah, apparently anyone can just transport in whenever they want! Uh, no need to regard Mikey or his fucking privacy.

STORAGE: What happened? What are you yelling about?

MIKEY: [Huffs.] Get back in the closet, Storage Mikey.

STORAGE: Don’t word it that way. And I’m not going back in there, my knees are killing me. My sciatica is acting up.

MIKEY: You do not have sciatica.

STORAGE: I didn’t until you crammed me in that closet the whole night. So. What’s on the paper? You said it’s from Weird Mikey?

MIKEY: Apparently, Weird Mikey wants to be called Nobody. And he sent me instructions for what he wants me to do today.

STORAGE: Ooh, he’s edgy. You think Nobody here iterated from us back in the eighth grade, and he never grew up, and that’s why he’s like this?

MIKEY: It’s a compelling theory. Either that, or this is all an extended Kingdom Hearts reference. I guess we’ll see if anyone gets norted. Or maybe he just really, really hates being Mike Walters.

STORAGE: Now that’s relatable.

MIKEY: He kept saying that he wasn’t anything like us, that he wasn’t one of us? And he did not like being reminded that he was Mike Walters. And, you know, I get it, because… nobody wants to be Mike Walters… Not– Not Nobody–… nobody–… That’s exactly why this is a bad nickname; it’s too clever. And things that are too clever are actually just confusing. We’ve been talking about him for 10 seconds, and it’s already caused confusion. 

STORAGE: Mm. Maybe he should’ve become a cowboy like all those other Mikes who had identity crises.

MIKEY: Is this the only alternative to cowboyification? [Sighs.] I guess it’s not that bad. I’d rather be Nobody than be a cowboy.

STORAGE: I believe you mean to say, “There’s nobody that I’d rather be than a cowboy.”

MIKEY: Oh, shut up, and get back in your closet.

STORAGE: I’ve heard that one before.

MIKEY: Third base, okay? [Brief pause.] This Nobody guy can’t run from it. He’s still Mike Walters. You can tell because he’s an asshole with a hairbrained scheme that he’s trying to intimidate other people into doing for him. That’s all these “instructions” are. He’s decided that we work for him.

STORAGE: Oh, so now we work for him? Because I thought that I was supposed to go sulk quietly in the closet.

MIKEY: I work for him, and you work for me.

STORAGE: Well, I think it would be better if nobody worked for him– if no one worked for him. I still think that it’s not too late to tell Ty about all of this. Ty likes us. I mean, he likes “Mikey” in the general sense. I’m sure that if we went to him and explained everything that was going on–how you got out of Storage, and then I got put in there, and now Nobody the Not-Cowboy Cow-not Not-cow is trying to mess with us–he could help us find a solution where we’re both free, and Cow-not the Not-cow is out of our hair.

MIKEY: Well, maybe, but it’s not worth the risk. Like, let’s say there’s a 10 percent chance that something goes wrong. I wouldn’t play Russian roulette if there were a 10 percent chance that I’d shoot myself.

STORAGE: There’s actually a 17 percent chance that you shoot yourself in Russian roulette.

MIKEY: Well, let’s not play it, then! Going to Ty isn’t worth the risk. When he pulled me out of Storage, he said that it had been 15 years and that Base had vanished. I’m not taking the chance of that happening again. We’re not returning to that timeline. And we don’t have to; this Nobody dude? He’s a Mike just like us. His plan isn’t foolproof, it’s probably foolish. All we have to do is find the cracks in his plan, and exploit them.

STORAGE: Alright. I will concede that Nobody is as dumb as Mike Walters.

MIKEY: Ha ha.

STORAGE: But we are also as dumb as Mike Walters, so it might be difficult to outsmart him. What does the note say?

MIKEY [holding paper]: And I quote, [Nobody voice.] “Hello– Hello, Mike Walters.” [Drops Nobody voice.] I-It’s Mikey, thank you. [Resumes Nobody voice.] “I am Nobody. This is a message on behalf of myself and my team. Today will be your first opportunity to demonstrate your utility to me.” [Drops Nobody voice.] I’m not going to do the voice… anymore? It’s stupid; it’s– it’s almost the cowboy voice! Does he not know it’s almost the cowboy voice? Okay. “Today will be your first opportunity to demonstrate your utility to me. It is important that subjects inside of Storage be dealt with in a particular order and manner. This is why the Mike that you were interviewing inside of Storage as part of your duties inside the Compound was disconnected.” He’s talking about you. “Our mission relies on strategic disconnections done in a way that the Compound does not realize for some time. In furtherance of this goal, you will conduct a false interview with that subject today. You will notice marked improvements in mood and cooperation. This will be the first of many false interviews with this subject that will culminate in your conclusion that you have received all necessary information from the subject, and that he is never to be accessed again for the sake of preservation.”

STORAGE: Well, that should be easy. Th– That’s what you were already doing, right? You were faking the interview testimony?

MIKEY: Right, because I was lying to the Compound for my own reasons.

STORAGE: What does he mean that I’ve been disconnected, though? Like, what’s that? Is that what he did to me?

MIKEY [holding paper]: I mean, yeah, probably. It’s probably related to that thing in your cheek. Uh, other than that, so far, so good, though. He doesn’t seem to suspect that you’re in here with me. He thinks you’re still alive in Storage. And he told me to do what I was gonna do anyway? Make up some stories about how you told me everything that you could tell me. Ty will be none the wiser, and he will not go poking around trying to figure out who you are. That’s not it, though; there’s more note. Quote, “That iteration is not the only Mike that will require these fabricated interviews. The following is a list of additional subjects that will need identical treatment. Your conclusions for all of them should be roughly the same: they do not offer any valuable information regarding our placement in this timeline, and should no longer be accessed, for the sake of preservation. Do not actually access these subjects. Merely fabricate the interviews as though you have.” End quote.

STORAGE: Aren’t we being preserved… no matter what happens? Like, isn’t that what Storage is?

MIKEY: Yeah, but you still get older when we take you out of Storage. If people did that for combined decades, then you’d get old and die like the rest of us. They’re trying to account for that. It’s important not to access subjects unless there’s a justification for doing so.

STORAGE: And so Mr. Nobody here is gonna do that thing he did to me to all those other subjects? The– The cheek thing, the… staying-awake-in-Storage thing. We– We can’t let him do that.

MIKEY: No, we have to let him do that.

STORAGE: No, you saw what happens! And he said to recommend that their containers not be opened again, so they’ll die in there. He’s gonna kill all of them with that cheek implant thing.

MIKEY: And that’s a real bummer, but there’s not anything that we can do about it.

STORAGE: You can’t be serious; they’re gonna die!

MIKEY: [Sighs.] Storage Mikey, do you remember when Michael boneheadedly sacrificed himself for us?

STORAGE: Has that happened only once in this timeline, or something? You’re gonna have to be way more specific.

MIKEY: Okay, well, do you remember the Mustardseed stuff.

STORAGE: Mustardseed, uh, I-I… Yeah?

MIKEY: I bring it up because, back then, we needed help from Ty because it felt like Mustardseed was going to destroy the Base. Michael sacrificed himself, and ended up a subject in the Compound. And then Base had to go rescue him. Now there’s a whole department dedicated to experimenting on an ungodly amount of Michaels. But when we broke in to save him, we rescued exactly one iteration of him. It would’ve been impossible to save all of them. We would’ve been killed in the process of trying. Mike almost died trying to save the one iteration. We can’t save everyone. We don’t even know how many iterations there are. We have to triage. We save who we can, and we move on. I saved you because I was in a position to do so. I opened the door, and you were in there. We haven’t met those other iterations. They might not even be iterations; it’s not just us in Storage. It might not even be people that we know. So it’s better to let them go, and focus on what we can do and who we can save.

STORAGE: And what makes me so special that I’m the one that got saved this time?

MIKEY: You got lucky. Uh, I met you. That’s about it. I went to your Storage container, and opened it up, and saw you suffering in there. I couldn’t leave you there. Which is why we can’t go doorknocking on all these other subjects, and see what they’re up to. We don’t even have a plan. We can’t keep all of them in here. There’s not even room for you in here, really. We’ve got the one closet that we don’t use, but Edgar wants to start using it as a board game closet, so it’s only a matter of time before he opens it and sees you. And Edgar won’t rat us out, of course, but the information will be out there, once information gets out, it starts to propagate. And no one can predict the ramifications of that propagation. So we need to focus on getting you out of here. We can’t worry about everyone else.

STORAGE: If you’re trying to get me out of here, then send me somewhere, dipshit. You could send me to, I don’t know, the– the Latvia apartment? There’s no one in there.

MIKEY: I can’t figure out where to send you until I figure out who you are. I don’t know that I can trust you. We already have an iteration that we can’t account for running around unsupervised, and he’s a gigantic pain in my ass. Hell, you could be connected to Nobody for all that I know, and me letting you out could be how he got started in the first place.

STORAGE: That doesn’t make any sense, Mikey. He was trying to kill me.

MIKEY: He was definitely trying to make it look that way. And yet here you are, alive. Funny how that works.

STORAGE: You did that! What can I do to prove to you that you can trust me?

MIKEY: You can tell me who you are, for starters?

STORAGE: I guess I’m stuck here, then.

MIKEY [holding paper]: Well, not today, you aren’t, because the note still goes on. We have to run some errands today. Quoth, “In addition to the fabricated interviews, I will need you to locate and transport some materials to an untraceable, R.S.C. scrub box of my choosing. The coordinates for retrieval and delivery are listed below.” I hate how this dude writes and acts and is.

STORAGE: Uh, why would he need you to run errands? He’s got his two goons and his Calculator.

MIKEY: Because the location is inside of O.V.E.R., and you can’t just transport in there without expecting trouble.

STORAGE: We’re going to O.V.E.R.?

MIKEY: Yes, you’re going to behave yourself.

STORAGE: No. Can I just stay here? You can give me some Ty Betteridge bucks, and I can go play around in the arcade until you get back. It won’t matter; everyone will think I’m you.

MIKEY: Absolutely not. You go snooping around the Compound, and I need the extra set of hands. And you will behave. Remember O.V.E.R. Mike? Don’t be like him. He fucked around, and he found out, and now he’s dead.

STORAGE: Okay, I’ll behave; I’ll be a good little puppy, Jesus… Can we stop by the diner while we’re in town?

MIKEY: Of course we’re stopping at the diner; that’s not even a question.

STORAGE: Alright. Let’s go then. …It’s tuber, by the way.

MIKEY: What is tuber?

STORAGE: The Wordle answer. It’s not “queer,” it’s “tuber.”

MIKEY: Oh… okay.

[Taking a Train plays.]

I’m taking a train and I’m coming to see you

Taking a train and I’m traveling far

Taking a train, whatever the distance may be

It’s not too much for me

I’m taking a train

Taking a train

Taking a train

Taking a train

Taking a train

Taking a train

[Scene transition.]

[Outdoor ambience as Mikey and Storage Mikey walk.]

STORAGE: Mikey. Are you… sure we’re going to the right place? I mean, just based on the coordinates? When was the last time you were even here?

MIKEY: Okay, I wasn’t sure at first, which is why we walked in a circle for a little bit back there. But we’ve been following the coordinates, and the only place it can be at this point is that red flag cabin, right there. O.V.E.R. is too spread out for it to be anywhere else.

STORAGE: Can we… pick up the pace a little bit? I don’t like being out in the open like this.

MIKEY: We’re going to be fine. We already did the hard part, which was getting in. No one’s gonna give us any trouble. Like, what’s the worst thing that could happen? We see someone, it’s a patrol guard, we know that patrol guard, we used to work here. They wave, we wave. Do they have any questions, we’ll sweet-talk them just like we sweet-talked Troy.

STORAGE: I wouldn’t call what you did to Troy “sweet-talking.” You… [Stammers.] I don’t know what that was, honestly? It’s like you did a Jedi mind trick on him. You actually convinced him that his eyes were lying to him.

MIKEY: Yeah, Troy’s just like that? If you know how to handle him, you can basically get him to do whatever you want. I didn’t cast a spell on him or anything, and he’s not playing along just because he wanted to let us through. Troy really believes that we were doing a magic trick where it only looked like there were two of us. It isn’t any more complicated than that. And he let the one of me inside the gate because I put in the hard work of gaining his friendship. Okay, well, that wasn’t hard, because everyone is friends with Troy. But I did the hard work of getting him to remember me. I daresay that I’ve got him trained pretty well at this point. Because there was a time in the not-too-distant past where he didn’t let me in because he demanded proof that I work here. Now I’m the “biscuits and gravy” guy. Troy knows me, so… I get through the gate. Doing all of that was the hard part; we’re in the easy part. We’ve been on patrol before. We know that no one wants to do their jobs. You could walk off in whatever direction, and go anywhere you want inside of Tier One, and no one would bat an eye. You could probably make it a week before you got caught.

STORAGE: You really think that no one would ask for identification?

MIKEY: Do you not remember how we were when we worked here? We never carried our ID, or our button, or our gun. And the other guards didn’t, either. …I think. I-I assumed that they didn’t. Anyway, we’re here! Home sweet home. It’s been a while since we’ve been in a red flag cabin. Ain’t that right, Storage Mikey?

STORAGE: Look. You gotta come up with a different nickname for me. Not only am I not in Storage anymore, I can never go back to Storage ever again. You’re more of a Storage Mikey than I am. You were in Storage for 15 years! And they can put you back in there anytime! I’m like the opposite of Storage Mikey.

MIKEY: Yeah, but you might be the last ever Storage Mikey, so the nickname still sort of fits… [Both of them stop walking.] Okay, Storage Mikey… Storage Mikey… S-Stikey… Stikey…? Stinky! Stinky! That’s it. We got the nickname. Stinky! From now on, you are no longer Storage Mikey, you are Stinky.

STINKY: Ugh. Can we just get this done? I don’t like being out here. I feel vulnerable. Anyone could just walk up and see us.

MIKEY: Relax, Stinky. It’s a red flag cabin, not the Tier Three gate. They aren’t exactly top secret. We learned that on, like, our first day. It’s as simple as walking in there and picking a lock. Sure, we got caught on our first day, but that was, like, a total coincidence that had nothing to do with OPSEC. Hunter just happened to be using the same cabin.

STINKY: But we did get caught, and we could get caught again.

MIKEY: That isn’t going to happen this time, Stinky, and I’m going to give you two reasons why. The first is, on that occasion, I didn’t have a lookout. You’re going to stay right here at this door, and make sure that no one spots us. Leave it open just enough that you can pop your head in and yell if someone is coming. We’ll use the calculator, and we’ll be out of here in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. The second reason is that I know how to pick a lock now. And not just theoretically; I’ve actually done it. Jam taught me. So no more stealing keys, and trying to get lucky finding the right one.

STINKY: You make it sound like you’ve done this one. Have you practiced since this person taught you how to pick locks, Mikey? Can you do it every time? And how long is it gonna take?

MIKEY: Yes, I can do it. And I’ve done it… before, and it wasn’t that bad. It should only take a few minutes, and then we’ll be out of here. What do you mean by “this person”? Jam. Jamilla Gardner taught me.

STINKY: Sorry, you said so many things, I didn’t catch everything.

MIKEY: Okay, so you clearly don’t know who Jam is, and we don’t really have time to unpack that. But you’ve gotta stay in the loop if you’re gonna work with me. That’s why you’re Stinky, and I’m Mikey. And you’ve still got a lot of work to do, Stinky. But don’t worry. Mikey Bear’s gonna get you into tip-top condition.

STINKY: No–! [Huffs.] I know who Jamilla Gartner is, I just didn’t hear what you said, so I played along. I– I didn’t hear what you said, I was– I was too busy making sure that nobody saw us! It’s– It’s scary in here, Mikey! We don’t work at O.V.E.R. anymore. If someone catches us, we aren’t gonna get a slap on the wrist.

MIKEY: Okay, then stay here at the door, and make sure that nobody catches us, Stinky. I’ll head inside, and pick the lock. We’ll be in and out in a couple minutes. Ain’t no thang.

STINKY: That was… cowboy talk.

MIKEY: Yup, and I’m not proud of it, I’ll be back in a minute. [Opens cabin door, and walks in.] Okay, so… [Attempts to open drawer.] Ugh. Mm… Worth a try. …How did Jam tell me to do this… Okay… First, apply pressure to the keyway with the tension wrench… Mm-hmm… Okay, the– the binding pin is… Oh! Ohoho! Ah– Y– Tha– [Cabin door closes.] Ye–! Okay. Okay… Huh… Now the other pins, uh… [Pause.] Y…yup. Oh–… Yup. Oh? Oh? Oh– W– Was that all of them? Wait! Wait, was that enough? Did I– Did I do it? That didn’t feel like enough pins! … [The drawer budges.] I did it! I did it! I’m a genius! [Opens drawer.] Jam, I’m a genius! Stinky, I’m a genius!

[Stinky doesn’t respond.]

MIKEY: Stinky. …Whatever, don’t be excited. See if I’m excited for you next time you do something cool. Fat chance…

[Mikey starts shuffling through the drawer.]

MIKEY: Alright. The spoils of war… More files. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Almost every time I’ve been in a red flag cabin, it’s been about files. Even that one time with Chance, he was looking for files when I caught him. Alright, what is this pivotal information that Nobody wants to know about…

Personnel file. So who does Nobody want to know about? Helen. Hartley… No– No, not… not like that Hartley. Li– Who? Hi– His ex-wife? Or his sister? Wh– If one of them was working with us, h-he’d introduced us, right? Like, we were friends! He would have at least said something. …1980!? Is this his… cool aunt? Go– Was his mom’s name, cause it was in the file that WOE.BEGONE gave me when I had to go take it to Mystery Hunter. Um… Fuckin’… I don’t remember, i-it could have been Helen. So what does it mean if Hunter’s mom or cool aunt worked at O.V.E.R.? Did Nobody know this? He– He had to have known, because he deliberately sent me to retrieve this. But why is he looking for Hunter’s mom? And how did he know that he’d find her? This is weird… He should be Weird Mikey, cause this is weird. And he’s a fool if he thinks I’m not making a copy for myself. [Stops shuffling through drawer.]

[We hear Mikey press some buttons.]

MIKEY: Alright, iterating one for Nobody… in three… two… one…

[Time travel blip.]

MIKEY: And then one for me in three… two… one…

[Time travel blip.]

MIKEY: Awesome, so one goes back in the drawer [Closes drawer.], one comes with me [Picks up his copy.], and then this one is going to the fancy R.S.C. scrub box that Nobody swears is untraceable. I need to see about tracing that R.S.C. box while I’m at it; who knows what else is in there. But… I can’t get Ty involved. [Sighs.] Alright, I guess I’ll send him these files… Transporting to the box in three… two… one…

[Time travel blip.]

MIKEY: And that’s all there was to do here, I think. Uh, I can’t wait to pour over this! Maybe Nobody thought that it was fine that I had this, because I can’t get anything useful out of it? But, I mean, j-just its existence is useful. Hey, Stinky! We’re ready to go, bud! And you’re gonna want to see this! Uh, I don’t know who’s in your timeline or whatever, but, like, surely you have Hunter, and–… You– You closed– You closed the door? Hey. Stinky! You can’t close the door! If someone shows up, you don’t wanna have to open the door to yell at me. [Huffs.] I swear, I didn’t think I was gonna have to train you to be a door guard, I–

[Mikey opens the cabin door to outdoor ambience.]

MIKEY: …Stinky? Uh… Hello! Stinky! Stinky! Uh– Where’d you go? …Fuck! Fuck! Okay, let’s think, uh… How do we find Stinky… Uh, what would Michael do. Michael would… track that… grizzly varmint down, right? So, um… uh– footprints! Uh… [Pause.] Oh, I see his footprints, uh… They sort of trail off, so. I guess there was– I don’t see a sign of struggle. Uh, d– He wouldn’t have moved if he was transported, so… Fuck. Fuck. He made a break for it. Asshole. After everything I did for him, after I gave him a nickname! We didn’t even get biscuits and gravy from the diner yet. [Pause, then Mikey groans.] …Well. I guess I don’t have to convince Troy that I’m still doing a magic trick on my way out.

[Outdoor ambience fades out.]

[Closing theme plays.]

[Floating Upside Down plays.]

I caught
An absentminded gesture
I’m hauling up the net
This will be the fattest winter yet
I thought
That i was being sly
Now I know that you could see me
From the corner of your eye

But we can never judge ourselves
Can we?

That ghost
Give it up
What are you
Some kind of animal?
They sewed these wings into your spine
They won’t hold up
Why won’t you learn?
Why won’t I?

Docile
An open invitation
To crumple and discard
Your newly minted parts
Tactile
Feeling in the dark
It’s such a simple pleasure
Knowing where you are

And you can feel my eyes on you
Can’t you?

That ghost
Give it up
What are you
Some kind of animal?
They sewed these wings into your spine
They won’t hold up
Why won’t you learn?
Why won’t I?

It’s such a brutish thing
If it were up to me
you’d never suffer visceral indignity
Floating upside down
Dredge the ocean if you want
See if anything willing to get caught

But we can’t salvage everything
Can we?

[END Episode 150.]