147: Rationalizing

SUMMARY

I am nobody. Nothing is going on.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript by Theo, reviewed and edited by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 147.]

INTRO: Hey, guys. Welcome to the episode. I have some quick plugs. Firstly, I am still streaming on Twitch over at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. This past Sunday, we played Infinite Craft, and we crafted so many sequels to Rocky Horror Picture Show. So come check that out if that sounds fun to you. That is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon over at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. I am getting out the January and February postcards this week, and I am excited to share these great designs with you and finally be caught up. And if you sign up at the $15 level before the end of the month, I will go ahead and send you both cards. That is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains descriptions of medical experimentation, gun violence, and sipping coffee. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[Storage door opens.]

STORAGE: [Yawns.] Good morning, Compound Iteration. Did you sleep well?

MIKEY: What are you even talking about? Why are you yawning? It’s been a week, and you weren’t asleep in there, Subject One. You were dead. When I started this job, the Compound gave me the rundown on Storage, and I didn’t understand any of it, but I did understand “you’re dead in there.” And I slept terribly, thanks for asking. I bring coffee to these interviews for a reason.

STORAGE: I don’t know, I just thought it’d be funny to yawn. I’ve gotta make my own fun in here. Can I, uh… have some of that coffee?

MIKEY: I’m not supposed to give you anything. The Compound has a algorithm or some shit that makes sure you get the perfect amount of nutrients in Storage. Plus, I’m scared, like, if I gave you coffee, and the next time you get out of Storage, someone else gives you coffee, and so and so on, then, in like an hour relative to your time, you will have had, like, 15 cups of coffee, and you’ll just keel over and die.

STORAGE: Then don’t give me any coffee next time, idiot.

MIKEY: That’s wishful thinking that I’ll actually be the only person taking you out of Storage. That is supposed to be the arrangement, but arrangements in this place tend to change on the whims of one Ty Betteridge. Ty hasn’t been in here since I interviewed you last week, has he?

STORAGE: No, I haven’t seen anyone but you, Compound Iteration. And the last person I saw was you just a few seconds ago.

MIKEY: Don’t call me “Compound Iteration.” I’m Mikey. I’m the Mikey from Base and the Compound. I mean, if you want to get technical, I’m not even an iteration in the strictest sense. Though Ty has infuriatingly given me a color-coded iteration nickname, but that’s neither here nor there.

STORAGE: Ooh, what color is it? Is it, like, a– a gross green-brown? Like your personality?

MIKEY: No, but it is equally as stupid, I assure you.

STORAGE: Not as stupid as a Mike Walters working for the Compound in the first place. That’s worse than stupid. You’re a traitor. I would rather die than have Ty Betteridge be my boss. And I mean actually rather die. Not, like, being dramatic like when we yelled “I’d rather die” at Marissa when we were playing Monopoly, and she asked if we’d sell Illinois Avenue.

MIKEY: Well, that’s the most landed-on property in the whole game! It’d be absurd to sell it. As far as you dying, I can arrange that. I can make you an appointment with Yellow yesterday, like literally yesterday. And working for the Compound is better than the alternative, I’ll have you know. Things were getting hairy out there. We needed the help.

STORAGE: Oh, really, do tell. Because I would love to hear how Mikey Walters ended up interviewing Storage iterations with a pen and a clipboard.

MIKEY: I don’t think that you need to know any of that. Maybe one day, if your circumstances ever change. But, as of right now, you are Subject One, the Mike Walters iteration inside of Storage in the Compound, and I am here with my pen [Clicks pen.] and my clipboard to interview you.

STORAGE: I do not care about Ty’s shitty questions or whatever else is on that stupid clipboard. So if you could just write down that I refused to answer any questions, and then I’ll sign at the bottom.

MIKEY: That works for me, [Clicks pen.] because I also do not care about the shitty questions. Which are indeed shitty, by the way. Ty doesn’t even know what he doesn’t know. As far as he knows, that Storage slot is supposed to have me in it, and so the questions are for Prime Mikey.

STORAGE: [Laughs.] Prime Mikey? Mr. Main Character over here, you think you’re special?

MIKEY: As far as I can tell, I am the most continuous Mikey from the one who started playing WOE.BEGONE. From a connectivity perspective, I am closest to the original source. Hence Prime Mikey. And there aren’t really any contenders.

STORAGE: And the rest of us are, what, chopped liver? Background actors in your story?

MIKEY: You are Subject One, the mysterious and tight-lipped Mike iteration who Michael traded out for me in Storage. If Ty had any clue what he had his hands on, that’s what he would be asking questions about. Who the hell are you, and why did Michael choose you to stuff into Storage?

STORAGE: And Ty has no idea, huh? So what did Michael tell you about me?

MIKEY: He gave me the… short… version of it.

STORAGE: [Scoffs.] Bullshit, you have no idea who I am, do you? Michael didn’t tell you? He went through all that to bust you out of here, and he didn’t even tell you why he picked this poor schlub to replace you?

MIKEY: Now you’re just making up a story.

STORAGE: Because you’re bluffing. You really don’t know who I am! And I bet that you [Snaps fingers.] really wanna know, don’t you? Because this should be you in here. It’s you who should be dead six and a half days out of the week, only being resuscitated to answer interview questions. Because these questions are for you, after all. So who is this mysterious Subject One? Who have you been talking to this whole time? That’s why you took this job. That’s what you want to know. So maybe we can negotiate, Mikey.

MIKEY: [Sighs.] You’re right. I do want to know. Badly. But I also know that there will be no way for us to negotiate. [Cowboy voice.] This ain’t my first rodeo, partner. [Drops cowboy voice.] I know us; I know Mikes. And so I know that whatever negotiation you’ve dreamed up is going to be extremely unreasonable.

STORAGE: Mikey, you’re an “employee” of the Compound now, right? Like, officially an employee? You’re not a subject anymore?

MIKEY: I did not say that I would entertain your bargain. But… yes.

STORAGE: Do you have access to the outside world? Could you just walk out the door if you wanted to, no questions asked?

MIKEY: Yes! I am an actual employee of the Compound. Nobody is forcing me to stay here, other than economic forces. The Compound gives me a real paycheck with real money in it. And also Ty Betteridge gives me Ty Betteridge bucks, but those are informal. But I can leave. I can get you stuff if that’s what you want, but, like I said, I don’t think I should feed you.

STORAGE: I don’t want food! I wanna get out of here. Let’s leave! March me right on out the door. And then, once I’m out, I’ll tell you anything you wanna know.

MIKEY: I can’t, leaving Storage empty would set off an alarm.

STORAGE: Then stuff some other iteration in here like Michael did. Mikeys are relatively fungible here. They would never even know that I was missing.

MIKEY: That’s not a good idea. I don’t know you; what if you have ulterior motives?

STORAGE: You know that I’m you, don’t you?

MIKEY: Well, so is Lieutenant, and he’s been on a warpath to stab everyone in the chest, or whatever he does now that Eagle got to him.

STORAGE: I don’t know what any of that means.

MIKEY: It means that I’m not letting you out of here. Base and the Compound just smoothed out relations. It would be an enormous breach of trust and protocol if I started sneaking iterations out! And I don’t know what would happen if I got caught breaking a rule that large. They might fire me or kill me, or fire Base or kill Base. And yes, I know that I just said that I’m a full employee, and that doesn’t sound like normal employee stuff, but the Compound would probably do that to their other employees. There would be big repercussions is what I’m saying.

STORAGE: Okay, is this normal, little Mikey teacher’s pet, read 200 books in second grade for accelerated readers shit, or are you one of Ty’s peons now? You just gonna do everything he says? I imagine that he’s gotten even better at brainwashing since the last time I saw. That’s no way to live, Mikey! Come on, let’s get out of here. Or if you’re, uh, too far gone for the outside world, I can bash your skull in with the coffee cup. Call it a mercy killing.

MIKEY: You know that it was 313 books, and I’m not brainwashed. I actually killed a brainwashed iteration, and took his place in order to be here. That’s who Ty thinks I am.

STORAGE: If you say so. I’ve been assuming that everything you say is real, but you could be here to brainwash me on Ty’s behalf. So don’t be surprised that I’m not going to let my guard down; you could be telling stories. I mean, that makes more sense than the reason you made up for being here. Is “Eagle” even real? That’s supposed to be a person’s name?

MIKEY: I’m telling the truth, and nobody knows what Eagle’s deal is; I’m sorry that I brought him up.

STORAGE: Well, if you aren’t going to let me go, then I suppose that I could ask Ty about all of this next time I see him in person.

MIKEY: You’re not going to be seeing Ty anymore. Ty understands that Mike iterations are reluctant to talk to him because of all the… Ty Betteridge stuff… Which is how I convinced him that the only contact that Mike iterations in Storage should have is with me. And only me. So that means that my notes are the only recordings that anyone will have of this interaction. There are no cameras in here, and no microphones. There would be no point to our privacy if Ty could listen or watch after the fact, right? I have set things up so that we can say things to each other in private in confidence. And so that you can’t go tattling to Ty Betteridge because you think it’ll grant you some leniency. Which it won’t, by the way.

STORAGE: How… manipulative of you, Mikey. You orchestrated all of this so you could figure out who Michael replaced you with?

MIKEY: No, there are a lot of people in Storage that I wanna talk to, actually.

STORAGE: Well, if you want to be the real deal Compound employee, and get all transactional about what we can offer each other, then you should know that valuable information about who I am isn’t free. Why would I just roll over? It’s not like I’m sitting in there bored, getting worn down like a prisoner you’re trying to get to confess. I’m dead in there. I can be more patient than you because time is moving much slower. Nothing has happened to me since the last time you slammed the door closed.

MIKEY: I didn’t slam it, the door is just really heavy.

STORAGE: Mikey. I have a price for the information that you want, and you already know what it is.

MIKEY: I can’t let you out of here. And I definitely can’t let you out of here not having any idea who you are. You could be a spy for Operose or O.V.E.R. or the Miltank Initiative.

STORAGE: Hey, I know that a lot is happening on the outside, but… one of those was made up. Miltank is a pokemon.

MIKEY: Yeah, I was testing you. [Mutters.] That’s not something Edgar said was real. [Normal volume.] But wh– what if you’re a bad actor, and letting you go causes the Compound to get destroyed? Or Base? Or even if you just get some of us killed?

STORAGE: I was with Michael when he replaced you. Why would he associate with a traitor?

MIKEY: [Stammers.] Is that what happened, though? How I remember it is he used a Calculator, and zapped you in here.

STORAGE: No, I was with him the whole time; we came here together. I don’t know what you remember, but it can be super disorienting coming out of Storage. So maybe your memory is hazy.

MIKEY: Even if that were true, he put you in here, so maybe he had a good reason for it.

STORAGE: If I was whatever scourge you think I am, why didn’t Michael tell you who I was after you got out? Why would he wanna keep that close to the chest? And why don’t you ask him? Why are you coming to me with questions? Because Michael knows. Unless maybe you already asked him, and he wasn’t exactly forthcoming?

MIKEY: When I escaped, the Base was in danger, and we… never c-circled back to it.

STORAGE: Well, whoop-de-doo! That’s all over, right? And now Base is happy as a clam working for the Compound? So maybe you have some peacetime questions for your favorite cowboy.

MIKEY: I don’t know about… clams, uh– A-Asking Michael is not an option at this current juncture.

STORAGE: [Scoffs.] Because? Did he turn on you? Or maybe you turned on him as part of your new job?

MIKEY: No. Nobody turned on anybody.

STORAGE: Michael… isn’t with you in the Compound, is he? No, I can tell! You feel bad about it. I can smell the yearning on you. [Chuckles.] You miss him. You hunched your shoulders over when we started talking about him. I can see what you’re thinking; I might as well be able to read your mind.

MIKEY: If we could read each other’s minds, then I wouldn’t be here asking you who the hell you are.

STORAGE: Huh. Must work one-way, then. So Michael’s really gone? Is he… dead? Something’s happened. [Cowboy voice.] Well, good riddance to bad cowboys then, eh, partner? [Chuckles, then drops cowboy voice.] Ah… Empathy’s sorta low… since he… put me in Storage.

MIKEY: If you wanna know what happened to Michael, I can tell you for a price.

STORAGE: Nope. I have got a price, too. I want out, remember?

MIKEY: This isn’t how a negotiation works. Both sides are supposed to make compromises.

STORAGE: Then we aren’t negotiating. Look, I don’t know what transactional mentality the Compound instilled in you, but I laid it out clearly. I’m making a demand. You can honor it or not.

MIKEY: [Huffs.] We’re going in circles; this conversation is over. I’ve heard enough; we can pick this up next time.

STORAGE: Are you sure you don’t wanna ask me any dipshit questions for your dumbfuck report?

MIKEY: I was just gonna make shit up anyway. Uh– Just [Huffs.] sign here, [Clicks pen.] please, saying that you authorize that these answers are your own. And I’ll… fill in the answers later.

STORAGE: [Signs paperwork.] Can do, Ty Iteration.

MIKEY: You’re just trying to hurt my feelings; it’s not gonna work.

STORAGE: Isn’t it, though?

MIKEY: Please step back into the Storage entrance. And think about what compromises you can bring to the table for our next interview.

STORAGE: What? I won’t have time to think; I’ll be dead in there.

MIKEY: Then think about it now. Nice seeing you, Subject One. And I’ll see you next week. Reactivating Storage in three… two… one.

[Storage door closes.]

MIKEY: God, Michael, how did you leave me this mess? Who the fuck is that guy? Was he with you? …I-I thought he transported in; was he with you. …I can’t remember.

[Carapace plays.]

I hope the toll was light
You’re picking at my scars
The dust occludes your face
I wonder who you are

The stage is nearly set
They’re begging us to start
They’ll drag us into place
I wonder who you are

You are
The dust

My carapace is cracked
They pin us to the board
They’re spreading out your wings
I wonder who you are

A consolation prize
They’re picking you apart
The fever in your eyes
I wonder who you are

I wonder who you are
The dust occludes your face
You are
The dust

[Storage door opens.]

STORAGE: Mikey! It’s so good to see you! See, I called you Mikey; how’s that for compromise? It has been so long, for you. I have given it absolutely no thought, but I don’t wanna go back in there, and I am ready to work something out; who the hell are you two?

NOBODY: Hello, Subject. If we could get him on the table, please, to install the implant.

STORAGE: Wha–? [Stammers.] Implant? You didn’t mention this last time, uh– What’s going on? Shouldn’t Ty be doing anything medical?

NOBODY: Subject. I am asking you to hold still and be quiet. The faster we can do this, the less it will hurt. My colleagues are extraordinarily qualified.

STORAGE: Mikey, explain, what is going on? What are you implanting in me? I thought you just wanted to know who I was. Is this you playing hardball or something?

NOBODY: Quiet, please, Subject. Can we get him on the table already?

STORAGE: C’mon, Mikey! What is this shit? I-It’s an experiment? I thought experiments were only done in the experimental wing. I’m a Storage Mikey. …I– Wha– D-Don’t look at me like that! It’s– It’s me, Mikey! It’s you. We’re both Mikey; we’re in this together, right? What are you doing? [Pause.] Okay. Is this because you wanted me to talk? Y-You rounded up some tough guys to scare me–? Fine, I’ll talk! You wanna know everything about me, “Prime Mikey”? I’ll spill the bea– Hey! Hey! [Storage Mikey starts struggling.] Let go of me! Hey!

NOBODY: This, uh… [STORAGE: Mikey, stop them!] iteration that has been asking you questions. You called him… Prime Mikey?

STORAGE: You– [Stammers.] Are you him?

NOBODY: “Prime” meaning the Continuous Mikey that was supposed to be in this Storage slot. You switched places with him? Was that voluntary?

STORAGE: Who are you? Who are these assholes?

NOBODY: I am Nobody. Does he know about your situation?

STORAGE: No! Or– Yes, or whatever I have to say so you don’t hurt me.

NOBODY: Wrong answer, Subject. Go ahead and implant him, boys. We’ve got other stops to make tonight.

STORAGE: What are you– [Cries out.] Sto–! [Cries out again.]

NOBODY: There we go. All done. The wound shouldn’t cause you any trouble. [Storage Mikey stops struggling.] It’ll heal over in a matter of moments. That Mikey that has been accessing you in Storage… don’t tell him about what happened tonight. If he learns about us, then things might not operate as smoothly next time. Capiche? Do you understand me, Subject.

STORAGE: [Stammers.] I won’t– I won’t tell him; just– just go. Just… don’t– don’t hurt me any more.

NOBODY: There is no further need to hurt you, Subject. I have everything that I need. Put the subject back in Storage, please. …Thank you. Close the door. I’ll be seeing you around, Subject.

STORAGE: I-I’m gonna figure out who you are. I’m gonna figure out what’s going on.

NOBODY: I told you, I am Nobody. Nothing is going on. Good-bye, Subject.

[Storage door closes.]

STORAGE [muffled]: I’m going to figure out who you are! I’m gonna tell Mikey, and we’re gonna figure this out together! Who the hell are you? Who are they, and what is going on!? …Wait. Wait, what– what is going… on. …The door is closed, I, uh– I heard the beep, uh… I’m in Storage, uh… I’m awake. I’m awake, I’m… awake, uh, hello? Hello? Uh… This is… awkward, but I– the machine malfunctioned? Uh, I’m still awake in here; I’m– I’m alive. Uh, it’s supposed to kill me, or whatever? Hello? Um… Uh– uh… Come back, come back! Uh, something happened, hello! [Bangs on the door.] Uh… Whoever you were? You have to come back and fix this! [Bangs on the door.] Or someone will know that Storage got tampered with, right? Cause I’ll– I’ll starve in here, hello? Right? Uh… [Bangs on the door.] Hello? um, uh, oh, oh, um, uh…Fuck.

[Scene transition.]

STORAGE: Okay, so… What do I do. What do I do, what do I do… Uh, when did Mikey say that he’d be back? Uh, a– a week? …How long has it been, though. …My last interview could’ve been 30 minutes ago, for all I know. Uh… Think. Uh… Think. [Stammers.] The guy… said it was night; he kept saying, “I– I’ve got other things to do tonight,” so i-it’s nighttime now. And Mikey comes in in the morning, because he’s always talking about how he just woke up, and he’s got his coffee, so it’s been… a few hours? At least? Uh… So I’ve got a-a couple days until I die of dehydration?

But that iteration didn’t want me to tell Mikey that something happened, but if Mikey opens Storage, and I’ve died in here, then he’ll know that something happened. Assuming that this guy knew that this was gonna happen, right? Uh, so either Storage malfunctioned right when someone new came to get me, or something about this– this implant that… him and his goons [muffled as he heels inside of cheek.] put in my cheek… is why I’m awake inside of Storage… [Huffs.] What did they do…

[Exhales.] Okay, Mikey, so what now? Uh, if I don’t starve, I’ll die of thirst. There’s nothing in here. Uh, I can’t boil my shoes. I need to figure out a plan while I still have energy, and then execute it before that energy runs out! [Claps hands.] So, okay! Plan A. That thing in my cheek is probably the thing that is keeping me from going into Storage. So if I can… claw that out of me, maybe Storage will take effect? Which means that I need to claw at my own body like a wounded animal, so… [Groans.] Why did I chew all my nails off! Now, of all times, I could really use some fingernails. But… I should be able to get in there eventually. It’s just… my cheek; it’s soft, right? Let’s see, uh… [Starts feeling inside of cheek.] I can’t feel the implant anymore. I guess it healed over, uh… I guess it was right… here? So… if I pinch it inside of my cheek–

[Time travel noise.]

STORAGE: Fuck! [Stammers.] Where did I go? Uh, was that– was that a correction? [Stammers.] Is– Is this the time I was just at? …Was that because I touched the implant? …I guess… [Feels inside of cheek.] gotta try again–

[Time travel noise.]

STORAGE: Okay, so… they have accounted for me trying to dig the implant out, so I am well and truly stuck here. It’s okay, Mike, don’t turn in the Joker. Uh, what’s Plan B? Uh, I could bang on the door and scream. …There’s another door outside of this door, and no one comes by except for Mikey to interview me, so that would waste… oxygen. Is there an oxygen supply in here? I… don’t see any vents, and I don’t know why there would be, so, uh… Plan C: wait around to die. Maybe that’ll be soon. Mikey will find me, and issue a correction… unless that other iteration shows up, and does something else to sabotage that, so… that makes Plan… D: uh, I pry the door open with… s-something, uh… not my fingernails; don’t have those. Uh, what [Pats himself down.] do I have? Do I have anything I can wedge… in… the door…

Uh… the… the pen! The pen! [Laughs while clicking the pen.] I forgot that I had the pen! Mikey forgot to take it back from me. Ah, I wish I had remembered that when I got attacked… though I don’t know it… woulda helped… Uh… So, uh, can I pry the door open with the pen, uh, let’s– let’s see… Uh… Nope, crack in the door is way too small. So, uh, I’m… fucked! I’m fucked. So I guess I have to sit here, and squirm until… my body gives out! Or until Mikey shows up; he  could still show up! I don’t know how long it’s been! [Nervous laugh.] I-I’m not gonna hold my breath, and wait for him to show up, but he– he still could; I don’t know how long it’s been. It could’ve been– It could be a week. …Maybe I actually should hold my breath? Uh… There are no vents in here…

[Storage Mikey holds his breath. After a few seconds, he releases.]

STORAGE: Fuck, fuck. That’s not gonna work.

[Scene transition.]

[Storage door opens.]

STORAGE: [Starts clicking the pen frantically.] Get back! Get back! I have a pen! Which one are you? Which one are you?

MIKEY: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! [Stammers.] Which one am I? What do you mean? Wha–? That’s my– Quit clicking my pen!

STORAGE: You can’t fool me just by doing an impression of his voice! I know that it’s you. Mikey said he wasn’t coming back for a whole week! It’s gotta be you, it’s only been… I don’t know how long it’s been, [Mikey stammers.] but it hasn’t been a week!

MIKEY: It has been a week; [Storage Mikey stops clicking the pen.] what are you talking about? You’ve been in Storage, [STORAGE: Who are you really!?] time shouldn’t be passing for you.

STORAGE: Who were those people with you!? What did you implant in my cheek!?

MIKEY: Subject One, you’re scaring me, and I don’t know what you’re talking about. What, someone else accessed you?

STORAGE: [Clicks pen several times.] Stay back, or I’ll jam it in your eye socket like I should have done last time.

MIKEY: Subject One, I don’t want to have to defend myself, but I will.

STORAGE [yelling]: What did you do to me? What did you put in me? What did you put in my cheek? Why was I awake in Storage? Who were those goons you had with you?

MIKEY: A-Awake in Storage!? What are you talking about? That’s not even possible.

STORAGE: [Clicks pen several times.] Whatever you did kept me awake! You left me in there to starve to death!

MIKEY: Hey! Subject One, stay back. I don’t want to, but I am authorized to shoot you if I have to defend myself. I did no such thing. I did not leave you in Storage awake. If someone else accessed you, then I need to file–

STORAGE: You have to let me out of here now! If it wasn’t you, then they’re gonna come back for me. You can’t put me back in there!

MIKEY: I can’t let you out. I can file an incident report, and we can get to the bottom of this! If someone else accessed your–

STORAGE: Get out of my way! [Cries and charges forward.]

[We hear a gunshot and then a body slump.]

MIKEY [breathing heavily]: Jesus Christ, what the hell was that? …What the hell got into him? S-Someone was here, and they scrambled his brain, I guess? None of that made any sense to me. [Pause.] No pulse. He’s– He’s gone… [Pause.] Wha– What is– What is this…?

[Mikey rolls up Storage Mikey’s sleeve.]

MIKEY: He… wrote on himself? …This is illegible. “Was attacked by Mike and two strangers. Put implant… right cheek. Can’t remove. Got corrected. See other arm”? O-Okay? Uh… other arm… “Awake in Storage. Said they would be back.” …So someone put an implant in his cheek? Uh… Oh, goody. Uh… Let’s… try and find it. [Pause.] Uh, is… that…?

[Time travel noise.]

MIKEY: Okay! Uh, I was standing over him with my fingers in his mouth, and now I’m over here, so I got corrected. Something in the implant is correcting me when I try to touch it. Uh, scary shit! Okay, so, uh, this is a fucking disaster. I-I mean, it’s okay that I killed him; they said I could kill him, it’s just the– the rest of the stuff. Alright, so some of this is going to need to be mentioned in the report, so we should probably get rid of this note. Uh, don’t want Ty knowing about that just yet, so, uh, let’s… wash it off with my coffee. Is that gonna work?

[We hear a small amount of coffee being poured, and then scrubbing.]

MIKEY: Huh… That works… scarily well. Uh, I don’t know if it’s these [Clicks pen several times.] cheap Compound pens or this cheap acidic coffee… but, uh, I don’t like that something I put inside of my body every day can strip ink off of flesh so easily…

[Mikey sips his coffee.]

MIKEY: So… what the hell does this incident report look like? I’m gonna need help with this…

[Scene transition.]

[Storage door opens.]

MIKEY: S-Subject One? I-I know you’re hurt and scared, and you’ve been awake for a long time in there? Uh, because there’s– there’s been a correction. Uh, it’s me? It’s… Mikey? I– I brought MW to help, and we… don’t wanna hurt you.

MW: We’re just tryin’ to figure out who’s been tamperin’ with ya. Uh, we don’t take kindly to the folks that hurt ya.

STORAGE [stammering]: Okay, okay. I just… I’ve been awake in Storage.

MIKEY: Yeah, we know, actually. Uh, you had a pen, and you wrote a note last time. So we know about the cheek implant, and we know how it corrects anyone trying to remove it. And we know about you being awake in Storage. Uh, you wrote that some iteration of me showed up with two people, and put the implant in cheek? Is that right?

STORAGE: Right. And th– the iteration looked different than that one.

MIKEY: “That one”?

STORAGE: Yeah, uh, th– the Michael wannabe guy. That one.

MIKEY: You mean MW.

STORAGE: Right, I know, yes, MW.

MIKEY: Alright, we’re taking a quick aside for a pop quiz; MW is a very special iteration of us. How did he come to be who he is today?

STORAGE: He… iterated… off of us. You just said it yourself.

MW: He don’t know who I am, Mikey.

MIKEY: The tables have turned. Subject One.

STORAGE: It’s… not fair to ask me questions; I’ve been awake in Storage; I haven’t had any food or water; I think I was oxygen.

MIKEY: Yeah, but you wouldn’t forget the answer to that question, so you’re an iteration of me who doesn’t know who MW is. So, uh, I’ve learned something about you.

STORAGE: Okay, well, I have the right to remain silent.

MW: No, you don’t.

MIKEY: Subject One, the more you tell us, the more we can help. As it stands, we don’t know who you are. This other iteration came to this Storage bay, so they were seeking you out. Without you telling us about who you are, we can’t figure out why he would come find you.

STORAGE: I don’t even know that he was looking for me. He had a lot of questions about you.

MIKEY: Okay, so he was looking for me…? But he still implanted you? Uh… Did you tell him who I was? [Pause.] Subject One. Did you tell him who and where I was?

STORAGE: I told him that you were the one interviewing me, and I accidentally called him Prime Mikey when I thought that he was you, and he put a lot together out of that.

MIKEY: Goddamnit, Subject One, after everything I’ve done for you?

MW: Sounds like we might need to be on the lookout for a rogue iteration.

MIKEY: And it might be time to tell Ty everything, which means that I gave your corpse a coffee bath for nothing.

STORAGE: A… coffee bath? Is that a euphemism?

MW: Now hold your horses on tellin’ Ty, pard. I figure we can save that for a last resort. Uh… This Mikey…

MIKEY: Just call him Subject One. I’m Mikey.

MW: Nah, I ain’t gonna do that. Uh, Storage Mikey, uh, whoever you are. You said that other iteration had two guys with him? Big, brawny goon types that held ya down?

STORAGE: Uh, yeah? …Big enough that I didn’t stand a chance against them.

MW: One of ’em got a big ol’ scar goin’ all the way down his throat?

STORAGE: Yes? How did you know that?

MW: And neither of ’em said nothin’.

STORAGE: Yes. Uh, only the Mike iteration said anything.

MW: Well, I think I know what’s goin’ on here.

MIKEY: Well, would you mind sharing with the rest of the class, MW?

MW: I don’t think it’s wise to discuss it in front o’ this iteration. We’ll talk in private. But, uh, we got a situation on our hands if that other iteration has clearance to come in here. Uh, is there any way we can change that?

MIKEY: I have already mentioned in my reports that no one is supposed to come in here without my permission. I guess I could request an interview room with a scanner at the door that only accepts my badge?

MW: Mm-hmm, that’d be a good start. And don’t write nothin’ in that report that you don’t want that strange iteration to see. Someone’s got access, and they’re tryin’ to get at us with it. We need to find these folks, and intercept ’em ‘fore they can do whatever they’re tryin’ to do with Mikey.

MIKEY: Or to me, you know, the– the real Mikey.

MW: Yup. So… we should get out of here, and start workin’ on our trap.

MIKEY: Do you know what you’re doing, MW?

MW: It sure sounds like I do, don’t it.

[Closing theme plays.]

[Black Tongues plays.]

Suffer
From a chorus of madrigals
Sung by a choir of black tongues
By an author who thought it was permanent
Lash out because of it
Entropy happened i’m still stuck together
Glued to the faucet i’m pouring out of
Others have held their organs in better
Plowing ahead until the wheels fall off

Oh
Swallowing neologisms
The state of humanity
Has nothing to do with me

Stagnation
Is the name of a coffin at best
A hell at the worse
to curse into carrying
To clean and dismantle my form like a rifle
Like god or somebody like him
Purpose wrung out, distended
Determined to pack every inch in
The sun didn’t come out for this
But i rose and i did
I rose i did

Oh
Swallowing neologisms
The state of humanity
Has nothing to do with me

[END Episode 147.]