141: The Tragedy Of The Interdepartmental Scuffle

SUMMARY

Tex would be proud. I cowboyed up. I did it for all of us.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Synthium and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 141.]

INTRO (TY BETTERIDGE): Ah, excellent! Here we are, once again. Ah! It’s been far too long. Far far too long. I understand you’ve had a new year as well, how wonderful! What is it this time, 1882? That was a good one. Ah, no. No, no. 1974? Ah well well well there have been better. There have been better. Uh, 2083? No, I don’t think I have the right inbox for that. Let me just see, yeah nope. 1, 2, 3… nope no, no I don’t have enough. Oh well. Whichever new year, happy New Year anyway. Anyways, this is Ty.Beback. 

[WE ARE THE FLINCHITES BEGINS PLAYING]

[The sound of a keyboard clacking]

OUTLAW TY [With a cowboy accent]: Bingo! You’ve struck gold again, Outlaw Ty! Yeehaw! Tex is gonna get a kick outta this one. Look what we got here. Oh, so that’s how the Ty’s were plannin’ on fortifyin’ their array. Wish I had thought of it. That’s what having a whole research department will get you. I’ve only got a scrap yard. The scrap yard ain’t gonna have any iridium, though. Don’t know where I’m gonna get that, not without the Compound’s budget. You’re gonna be proud of my haul, Big Bear!

[More keyboard clacks]

OUTLAW: Now that that’s out of the way, let’s check in on those varmints from Base. Looks a lot warmer in there than last time. Guess winter’s over. Well good for them. Maybe the Mikes won’t freeze in that shed after all. I wonder did they mutiny or if Ty got sick of trudgin’ through the snow every time he wanted to go talk to ‘em, hah. Next step is to get ‘em outta that dang dome. Hold tight, fellas. We’re comin’ to bust ya out or my name ain’t Outlaw Ty. [Singing] Outlaw Ty, Outlaw Ty…

[The Trunk elevator dings pleasantly and starts to descend. OUTLAW jolts in surprise.]

OUTLAW (Losing composure.]: Oh Christ on a bike! It’s the middle of the night! Who is coming down here this late? Alright, no problem. I just have to put everything back the way I had it. [Rushing] So: this monitor off, this window closed… the surveillance camera was pointed… here! I’m taking my flash drive with me. Now let’s get out of-

[The elevator opens.]

OUTLAW: Whoever you are, don’t come any closer or I shoot! [OUTLAW cocks his pistol.] Ya hear me?

VIRIDIAN [Friendly]: Whoa there cowboy! I didn’t mean to catch you off guard. It’s me! Don’t tell me that you don’t remember me after all this time. It’s me? Viridian? I sneaked you out of the Compound after management discovered you were turning into a cowboy? Ring any bells?

OUTLAW [Slightly confused]: Viridian? Is that really you?

VIRIDIAN [Warmly]: In the flesh! Now, put that gun down and give me a hug! Come on, come on, come on [OUTLAW: okay, uh]

[They embrace, OUTLAW makes noises of slight discomfort]

VIRIDIAN: It’s been a while! 

OUTLAW: Yeah, thank you.

VIRIDIAN: So, how have you been? I mean, I- obviously I sort of already know how you’ve been because of Compound surveillance and whatnot, but–

OUTLAW: I’ve been… alright. Things are heating up. More eyes on us. Can’t say that I appreciate that. But me and Michael are hiding out and scrapin’ by. We’ve been takin’ in ragtag iterations along the way. We’ve built us up something of a posse at this point.

VIRIDIAN: I’m glad to hear it. And the cowboy persona- It’s- it’s coming along. It’s coming along. I’m not sure that I will be uh, “convinced” per se, but I knew you before you were a cowboy. You’re making a lot of headway. Accents aren’t easy. [Chuckling.] You should see Mikey try to do a British accent. He still hasn’t gotten any better at it. But I’m sure that Michael is a better dialect coach than I am.

OUTLAW: Yeah he’s uh, tryin’ his best with me. Say, did you know that I was gonna be in the Trunk tonight or did you just happen to bump into me?

VIRIDIAN: I simply came down here in order to do some of the same meddling that I suspect you’re doing. There’s a lot going on deep in the heart of Texas these days. I try to drop by and help however I can. I believe that we’ve accrued some number of allies, because I’m not doing all of this work alone. And you aren’t skirting by avoiding suspicion completely out there. Some of us are covering your tracks for you. And it wasn’t even me that let Tex out of the Compound. It was Blue, wasn’t it?

OUTLAW: Tex don’t know the colors. He only ever met one Ty. But Blue was the one in charge of him. That’s my understanding.

VIRIDIAN: Well that makes sense. Blue is the only one who would care for an Overnighter Michael like Tex. But Blue isn’t working alone. He doesn’t have access to all of the resources that have been expended to keep the idea of Texas alive. I’ve done my part. I’ve been looking out for Base inside of the dome. They turned the cold weather off in there, so I said that I was budgeting for the new year and that we couldn’t afford to keep Base in the cold and snow inside of the dome any longer, so I was ending the harsh winter prematurely.

OUTLAW: I’m sure they appreciate that. We’re workin’ hard to get ‘em out of there. 

VIRIDIAN: Look hey um, settle a bet for me. I bet Felix a trip to EuroDisney that Red is the one who tipped you and Tex off about Mikey being in storage and a replacement being at Base. Felix says he thinks that it was Vermillion, but I don’t think Vermillion has high enough clearance to sneak a message out.

OUTLAW: You’re right. It was Red that snuck us the note. Told us when and where we could pick Mikey up without suspicion.

VIRIDIAN: I knew it! Red had means, motive and opportunity.

OUTLAW: We’re definitely thankful that he’s on our side. None of this woulda been possible without him.

VIRIDIAN: It’s a team effort. I can see on the computer screen behind you that Violet has left you some updated schematics for the array. What a technological wonder that thing is, isn’t it? You’re lucky that he’s so “sloppy” about closing his system down at night.

OUTLAW: It sure came in handy last night.

VIRIDIAN: We were monitoring Operose during that skirmish, so we saw everything. It was quite the standoff! David vs Goliath. For a moment, I thought Tex was going to single-handedly hold them off.

OUTLAW: David actually defeats Goliath in the story but–

VIRIDIAN: Commendable work and an excellent proof-of-concept field project. It’s not as though we could implement it for the Compound in the state that it’s in. It’s too small and too weak, which is why it did give way to Operose in the end. But it was only under intense pressure and it held up admirably for a first draft made of spare parts.

OUTLAW: I didn’t know that y’all were watchin’ us that closely.

VIRIDIAN: We can’t let you get eaten up by Operose now can we?

OUTLAW: Then it’s mighty kind of ya to look out for us.

VIRIDIAN: I want to keep an eye on my Outlaw and make sure he’s doing alright for himself, but we aren’t watching you out of kindness. Your well-being is a happy side-effect, but it’s just good intelligence to keep tabs on everything. Base is a valuable resource and I want it to stay that way for years to come. Sometimes that means protecting Mike from his own foolhardiness while he figures out what to do and that is a price that many here are willing to pay. Lucky him. Though, I don’t think that’s the majority opinion among Tys Betteridge. Some of the more… shortsighted Tys would probably prefer that we let Operose take you and turn off the oxygen in the dome and be rid of them. [Chuckle.] We have plenty of docile duplicates in the Compound. All they see when they see you is a hassle. They don’t have the same vision.

OUTLAW: What’s the vision then?

VIRIDIAN: Base is a weapon that can help win the war. Our future probes suggest that we are not currently in a timeline where we defeat Operose. Quite the opposite. We are racing against the clock to prevent our own non-existence. We need to change the future and do so definitively. Base isn’t our strongest weapon yet, but it is the one with the most potential. Even you and your ragtag band of cowboys are an important piece of ammunition.

OUTLAW: I appreciate what you’ve done for me, Viridian, but that’s Compound talk. That ain’t how we see it. We ain’t your weapon.

VIRIDIAN: It’s a good thing to be a weapon for the Compound! And besides, you don’t have a say in the matter. You’re inextricably linked to Base and Base is an asset to us. Base is chaotic, which is a valuable characteristic if we can harness that chaos. Chaos makes it harder to predict the future, which prevents their enemies from propagating successful plans back to themselves in the past. They only need to become stronger, more capable of defending themselves. With our help, I think that they could give Operose a run for their money on their own. They are a small, crude organization, but they are scrappy and they have extensive connections inside of Operose itself. If we could refine them into a sharp point, we could use them to sabotage Operose from the inside.

OUTLAW: Like when you put a chip in those Michaels and handed them over to Operose.

VIRIDIAN: An excellent example. The chaotic nature of Base is why Operose accepted that Michael in the first place. It’s a game of higher-order chess between ourselves and Operose. We sent Michael in so that we could disable him in the event that they cultivated duplicates of him to use against us. They accepted him, because despite the danger, there was a possibility that they could have Eagle break him and use his knowledge of the Compound against us. We were both gambling on who could extract the most value from this exchange. We knew that we were going to take some amount of damage. They took Michael and turned him into an army. But we dealt more damage than we suffered. If you accept that you are not going to be able to mitigate all damage, you can weigh the damage you are willing to take in order to inflict more damage on the enemy. Michael’s army made it here, but we won the battle by gifting them an army that we could deactivate. I don’t know who performed that deactivation. Violet was dead in his office chair when it came time to run the program.

OUTLAW: That was us. Me and Tex snuck in here and ran the program when we saw he weren’t gonna be able to do it.

VIRIDIAN: How fortuitous. The chain of events that initiated the war led you to the Trunk right when we needed you to be there. It couldn’t have happened any other way. You were in the right place at the right time.

OUTLAW: Is that what you runnin’ into me here in the Trunk is? The right place at the right time?

VIRIDIAN: It sure is. I really hit the jackpot with this one. What you know has already proven incredibly valuable. Fe, did you get all of that? I think we’re ready to transport. We’ve already got Blue. We need to pick up Red and Violet on the way. Oh and grab some tea for me from the break room while we transport, would you? That’s a good chap, I think we’re ready.

OUTLAW: What about Red and Violet!? Where are you taking us?

VIRIDIAN: Our conversation has outgrown the Trunk. We need to reconvene somewhere with… fewer exits. Leave all of your things. You won’t be needing them. More accurately, you are not permitted to have them.

OUTLAW: I don’t understand. You’re taking me to an interrogation room? What did I do?

VIRIDIAN: Not an interrogation room. We just did an interrogation. You told me everything that I need to know. That part is done. You’re under arrest.

OUTLAW: Under arrest for what!? You’re keeping me here!? You’re the one who let me go in the first place, Viridian!

VIRIDIAN: The cowboy life has made you oblivious, Outlaw Ty. You should know better than to answer questions without getting confirmation of their color. Hey! I see you looking at the Calculator. You don’t want to pick that back up. You would be severely hurt if you tried to use that. And that goes for the gun as well.

OUTLAW: But… if you’re not…

VIRIDIAN(?): So many Tys Betteridge have been helping you skirt around the rest of us. I’m not one of them. You might get to reunite with some of them in the containment quarters. [Impatient.] Fe, are you ready? I’ve had enough of the high drama. I’ve said what I need to say to this lowlife. Let’s go.

[We hear the time travel sound, then the sounds of handcuffs being tightened]

VIRIDIAN(?): Hello, Blue. We’re back! Look who I’ve got! You know I had Blue dead to rights even before you started telling me everything.

BLUE: …Cowboy Ty? Is that you? How did they capture you?

OUTLAW: It’s Outlaw Ty now. It… rolls off the tongue better, I suppose. I was in the Trunk. What’s his color?

BLUE: It’s Orange. The bastard.

OUTLAW: That makes perfect sense. I should have known. It is uncouth behavior to masquerade as other Tys, Orange.

ORANGE: “Uncouth”? The cowboy mask is slipping, I see. You know what else is uncouth, Outlaw? Going rogue and jeopardizing the whole Ty Betteridge Project. All for a ratty old test subject! That goes for you as well, Blue. I know what happened during the power outage. Go ahead and have a seat next to Blue, Outlaw. 

[OUTLAW sits down.]

ORANGE: Now, we finally sort out our rat problem. I’m going to go deal with Red and Violet first. I have something simple in mind to gain their cooperation. When I come back, we’ll get into the more technical stuff with you, Outlaw. I’ve got a brain chip with your name on. Stood me a clipper, I’ll be back for Christmas. 

[We hear the time travel noise.]

BLUE: You know, I always thought a brain chip would look good on us. It would let us listen to that podcast. You know, the one with the theme music that goes-

[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS.]

BLUE: You keep saying that he’s a “gigantic horse” but what do you mean by that exactly? Is he supernaturally big or something?

OUTLAW: I don’t know about supernatural, but Bluster is a biggun. Biggest horse around town by far and the biggest horse I ever seen. But I ain’t seen that many horses, to be fair. He’s big enough that some of the Mikes have been speculatin’ that Tex has been using the Calculator make him grow.

BLUE: I don’t think that Tex would be able to do something that complicated with just a Calculator.

OUTLAW: I don’t think so either. I tried tellin’ ‘em that, but it hasn’t stopped the rumor mill. In order to perform a procedure like that, Tex would need a controlled environment and something more exact than a Calculator. Bluster would get consolidation sickness if Tex tried to do what they think he’s doin’.

BLUE: Not to mention he would have to invent a whole new procedure. The Horse Gigantism Project hasn’t gained much momentum here in the Compound.

OUTLAW: If y’all ever want to start a Horse Gigantism Project, I know just the fella to lead the program. [Laughs.] Bluster is an amazing companion animal. He’s sweet, strong, emotionally intelligent, and clever. Tex even acts like he can talk to him.

BLUE: Wish I could meet Bluster one day. It warms my heart that Tex is in such good company. When I set him free, I was terrified that I was making a huge mistake and that he was going to suffer out there all alone.

OUTLAW: He’s sure made the best of his new life out there. You should feel proud. And he sure ain’t lonely. If anything, there’s too much commotion out there with all of the stray Mikes he’s takin’ in. I think he’s missin’ the peace and quiet a little. He rides off on Bluster for a couple hours every now and then, tryin’ to get some alone time.

BLUE: I shouldn’t be surprised that he has ended up taking in a bunch of “strays” as you called them. He always wants to be the self-sacrificing leader. Even inside the Compound, he had this instinct to “sheepdog” me. I would be feeling awful about the experimentation that I had to do to him and he would be the one that ended up comforting me.

OUTLAW: [Sigh] I’m worried sick about him now. You don’t that Orange is gonna hurt him, do ya? What do you think he’s doing? What do you think he’s doing to Red and Violet?

BLUE: I’m worried about all of them. Orange’s expertise is in “offensive weaponry and combat lethality and basket weaving” He’s a weapons expert with a PhD in death, essentially. Not to mention he’s a total snitch. I imagine that he is either in the middle of reducing Red and Violet to a puddle in the middle of the floor or he’s ratting us out to management. I don’t know which one would be worse.

OUTLAW: Definitely management. ‘Cause then it’s Kas that will reduce us to a puddle on the floor.

BLUE: Ugh, agreed. At least Orange is good at killing.

OUTLAW: But he ain’t going to kill me, according to him. I’m going to get a fancy new chip in my brain. [Shudders] The Michael that we took in was present for the war between Base and the army of Michaels from Operose. He says that he didn’t feel anything, but it still spooks me to think that someone could push a button on a computer somewhere and I fall over dead. Makes me wonder what Orange wants out of this arrangement.

BLUE: Orange wants to put an end to all of this meddling. As I said, he’s a snitch. The thing he cares most about is insubordination. He’s right about one thing, which is that the current situation has caused disunity among the Tys. I don’t remember it ever being this divisive before. We should have never introduced social media. So many different Tys with different levels of allegiances to different Mikes. And the Mikes are duplicating themselves at a breakneck pace. I think that Orange wants to get the Compound to the place that it would be if everyone was following orders and not leaking information to the Mikes. A timeline where nobody tips off you and Tex to take Mikey out of storage.

OUTLAW: Mikey says the Ty that woke him up told him it had been 15 years and that Base was gone.

BLUE: No more split allegiances. No more Mikeys.

OUTLAW: Seems like an awful lot of death just to keep y’all from bickerin’ with one another.

BLUE: Orange has never been especially sensitive to the human element of it all. He mostly cares about tearing it apart. A few deaths isn’t anything to him. It’s not even “an unfortunate byproduct of science.” Y’know, he’s a bit like the Ty Betteridge version of Eagle. [Scoffs.] And the worst part is, I don’t think that he would disagree or take that as an insult. He can look a test subject in the eye and not flinch while putting them through excruciating pain for no purpose other than to document that pain. I don’t have the stomach for that. He’s worse than Yellow. At least with Yellow it’s relatively painless. And you could give him a tank and he’ll shut up,

OUTLAW: But that’s Orange’s job description, isn’t it? He acts that way because the Compound trained him to act that way. All of this is him thinking that he’s doing what’s right for the compound. So, who do you think has the institutional backing in this skirmish? Is Orange committing a mutiny or is he doing what management and the other Tys would want him to do? How many Tys do you think are on our side?

BLUE: I don’t think that it’s possible for any one Ty to know. If Orange is in the majority opinion, I don’t think that he knows that either. Coordination is explicitly forbidden within the Compound. It’s all individual Tys making individual decisions within our own departments. I thought that I was the only one who cared about the Texas Base at first, but I noticed that other people must have been helping you out. I didn’t send you the schematics to the defensive array, for instance. And according to Orange, he’s managed to implicate me, you, Red, Violet…

OUTLAW: And Viridian, of course.

BLUE [Confused]: I’m not sure that I follow. Who is Viridian?

OUTLAW: What do you mean? Viridian. The Ty that took mercy on me in the first place and helped me escape from the Compound instead of getting neutralized. That Viridian. The whole reason that I was able to make it out to Texas once you freed Tex from your department. Surely you remember?

BLUE: I knew that somebody covertly allowed you to escape the compound. There was a memo stating that you had been neutralized and were going to be replaced, only for you to turn up again later after I freed Tex. I don’t remember anyone named Viridian, though. Are you sure that was his color? That’s close to Blue. I feel like I would remember him.

OUTLAW: You’re right. You should remember him. I know that he existed. Orange pretended to be him when we were in the Trunk. That’s how he got my guard down. That’s why I told him what I knew. I thought that he was the one that helped me escape.

BLUE: I suppose that there is one explanation, but it isn’t pretty.

OUTLAW: I know. I know. They wiped him out of the timeline entirely. He’s gone…

BLUE: I think so. I think that I would remember him otherwise. Oh Outlaw, I’m so sorry.

OUTLAW: That’s… I’m alright. Stiff upper lip and all that.

BLUE: “Stiff upper lip” isn’t very good cowboy vernacular. Surely there’s an equivalent. Cowboys are the strong silent type. Maybe “hold your horses” but the horses are tears and you’re holding them back from crying…?

OUTLAW [Welling up]: Well, I don’t think I can keep ‘em back any longer. Viridian’s dead. I have to get out of here. I have to get back to Texas. Tex and the others are in danger. We have to save the Base. Viridian sacrificed himself for me. I can’t let that be in vain. And I can’t let Orange put a damn chip in my brain and coerce me into doing God knows what or else I fall over dead. I won’t do his bidding. I have to get out of here. He can’t trap me like this.

BLUE: I know what you mean. Tex was my project. Orange will kill him if he gets his way. And he’ll probably kill me too for helping him escape. Poor Tex. My experiments made him so fragile, but never any less kind. He knew that I was here at the Compound to perform the experiments, and if I couldn’t perform the experiments anymore that I was going to be neutralized, just like he was going to be once the experiments were over. He just sat there and endured whatever I threw at him without protestation. It took too long, but I was finally able to do the bare minimum and give him a chance to live out the rest of his life in peace, however he saw fit. And, instead of disappearing and thinking of himself, he spent those days taking care of the people that he loved. You’re right, Outlaw. Orange can’t get away with this. You owe Viridian. I owe Tex. And I have a plan.

OUTLAW: A plan? To get us out of here?

BLUE: A plan to get you out of here.

OUTLAW: What are you proposing, Blue?

BLUE: Can you hand me that cowboy hat of yours?

OUTLAW: I… yeah… I think so? It’ll be hard with the handcuffs, but I can manage.

BLUE: Perfect. Give me the cowboy hat. It’s time to saddle up, partner.

[SCENE TRANSITION.]

[BLUE and OUTLAW have switched places in this scene, but I wrote them as the audience perceives. Do the cowboy voice for OUTLAW and not for BLUE. ]

ORANGE: Hello again, Blue. Hello again, Outlaw. Good to see you again. Hope you didn’t get too impatient waiting for my return. I wanted to settle the matter between myself, Red, and Violet before I moved on to the main event.

OUTLAW [Pretending to be BLUE]: What did you do to Red and Violet?

BLUE [Pretending to be OUTLAW, with a cowboy accent]: Did you kill ‘em?

ORANGE: They are safe and sound, I assure you. They might not be pure Red and pure Violet any longer, but I think that our reconciliation brought all of us a lot closer.

OUTLAW [Realizing as BLUE]: You consolidated with them.

ORANGE: I needed all of us to be on the same page. What better way to do that than to merge the pages together into the same book? They’ve been fully agreeable ever since I incorporated them. Their thoughts are fairly quiet. Maybe my thoughts are just more convincing. Interesting. And elevating

OUTLAW [Interrupting slightly, as BLUE]: And what are you going to do about their departments?

ORANGE: I have some compliant subordinates that should slot into their roles just fine. I’m familiar with their jobs now. I could easily train someone to be their replacements. No one need know the difference. It’s not like they were good at their jobs. They were sowing discord and leaking information to non-Compound sources. They were replaceable.

BLUE [As OUTLAW]: I reckon you’re here to consolidate us next.

ORANGE: You’re only half-right, Outlaw. I do indeed have similar plans for Blue, but my plans for you are completely different. I need to send you back to Texas in order to get your worth out of you. I have another strategy for garnering your cooperation. Do you remember that brain chip that we were talking about earlier?

BLUE [As OUTLAW]: The same one that you put in all the Michaels.

ORANGE: That’s the one. I’ve mocked up a chip and a program just like that one but for our specific brain chemistry. This is how I am going to keep you on a leash. You will follow my exact orders. If you disobey me, you will be dead before your body hits the ground and I’ll get started on neutralizing the rest of your cohort. But that’s not going to happen because you are going to obey orders, aren’t you! We’ll get everyone back on track together. How does that sound?

BLUE [As OUTLAW]: It don’t matter how it sounds. It’s compulsory.

ORANGE: Correctamundo. Okay, enough talk, let’s begin the procedure. It’s quite simple. I only need you to hold still for a moment. The implantation won’t hurt a bit, though you might experience headaches for the next several weeks. Are you ready to begin the procedure?

BLUE [As OUTLAW]: Get it over with.

ORANGE: Gladly. Implanting the device in 3…2…1…

[A time travel blip.]

ORANGE: And just like that, the procedure is complete. Are you experiencing any pain or discomfort?

BLUE [As OUTLAW]: No more discomfort than before the procedure.

ORANGE: Wonderful. It doesn’t hurt now. It won’t hurt if you leave me no choice but to activate it, though you will want to avoid that.  We will test your compliance by giving you your first order of business which is: [attempt at the drum roll noise] I want you to return to Texas and whitelist the Compound in your defensive array. I’ve learned how to do so through my consolidation with Violet and have put the appropriate schematics on the flash drive that you so sneakily got into the Trunk, you naughty naughty boy. Once you have implemented the whitelist, I can more directly guide your compliance. Of course, you can refuse to implement the protocol, at which point I will activate the chip and take a more hands-on approach to Texas.

BLUE [As OUTLAW]: Understood.

ORANGE: I hope that I didn’t bring down the mood too far. There is no need to feel upset or afraid. It’s just time for everyone to return to taking the orders that they have been given. The Tys Betteridge used to be so much more… coherent. And I think we would all benefit from returning to that coherence. That is all I want. I certainly don’t want any of us to lose their life over it. Now, if you will excuse me. It is time to wrap this containment up. I need to step out for a moment to retrieve Outlaw’s property that he left in the trunk. You are to return to Texas and implement the whitelist as soon as possible. If asked anything about your trip into the Trunk, you are to say that everything went exactly according to plan. Do you understand?

BLUE [As OUTLAW]: I understand. Everything went according to plan.

ORANGE: Excellent. I will be back in just a tick. Don’t go anywhere while I’m gone. Fe? I’m ready to initiate transport.

[Time travel noise.]

OUTLAW [Back to normal]: It… it worked? Orange thought that I was you…

BLUE [Back to normal]: Phew. That went perfectly! Quick, take your hat back. What did you think of my improvised cowboy accent?

OUTLAW: Is that what I sound like when I do it?

BLUE [With the cowboy accent]: You sure do, partner.

OUTLAW: It… wasn’t that bad. It could use some work.

BLUE [Back to normal]: I learned from Tex when he was here in the Compound.

OUTLAW: Are you sure we did the right thing just now?

BLUE: Are you kidding? That went better than I ever could have imagined. Take your hat back already!

OUTLAW: Better? Blue, Orange said that he is going to consolidate with you. How is that better?

BLUE: Because I’m not just taking a bullet for you anymore, Outlaw. I’m putting a bullet in Orange. He’s planting the chip inside his own head. How great is that?

OUTLAW: It solves the problem. [Sighs.] But we coulda found another way. You didn’t have to do this for me.

BLUE: All the more heroic that I did do it for you, then. Tex would be proud. I cowboyed up. I did it for all of us. I did it for Red and Violet who can’t help us anymore. I did it for Viridian, even though I can’t remember him. It was worth it.

OUTLAW: I’ll make it worth it. I’ll make the Base in Texas even stronger. We’ll bust Base out of the dome. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll make you proud.

BLUE: Tex has taught you well too, I see. Now, enough of all this. Switch places with me so he doesn’t suspect anything. Quick! Quick quick-

[Time travel noise.]

ORANGE: Okie dokie pig in a pokie, I have gathered up all of your belongings. Oh, ah is this… feather… yours?

OUTLAW: Yeah. That’s a crow’s feather. Michael gave it to me. Musta fell outta my hat.

ORANGE: How… thoughtful of him. Very well, away you go. I need to see to Blue now. I’ll contact you once the whitelist has been activated. Thanks for stopping by Outlaw. It has made my evening much more exciting. Toodle pip!

[Time travel noise again.]

[SCENE TRANSITION.]

[Humming of electronics and the sound of keyboard clacking.]

[The sound of a door creaking open]

ORANGE [Over the intercom]: Finally. My last consolidation of the evening. I have learned a lot. I understand now why management usually keeps all of us separate. This much information in the wrong hands could be too powerful. You understand how this all works, Blue? Hands and feet on the appropriate marks and all that?

BLUE [Also on the intercom]: Don’t patronize me, Orange. I’ve led Michaels through thousands of these consolidations. I know where my hands and feet go.

ORANGE: Alright, alright! I’m just trying to get it all absolutely perfect. No need to be hostile.

BLUE: I’m trying to exercise the last of my hostility before I can’t exercise it any more.

ORANGE: Oh you’ll be happy to cooperate once you see things my way. So, without further ado, let’s have you seeing things [singing in the tune of My Way by Frank Sinatra] my way, shall we?

BLUE: Do it already.

ORANGE: As you wish. Performing the consolidation in 3… 2… 1…

[A short time travel blip and more typing.]

BLORANGE [Slowly realizing]: There we are… that’s… that… you’re Blue… why are you wearing a cowboy hat in my memory? … Wait… no… you’re standing in the wrong place in the containment quarters. That’s supposed to be Outlaw. I put the chip in Outlaw… of course I put the chip in him. He’s the one that needed the chip. So, why… why do I feel… Blue… traded places with Outlaw… the cowboy hat… you tricked me…

OUTLAW: Here we go. Bye Blue. Thanks for everything. I won’t forget you. I’ll send your love to Tex. Goodbye.

[One final keystroke.]

BLORANGE [Still Confused, desperate]: I need to correct the–

[We hear the time travel noise again. OUTLAW sighs. The monitor goes silent.]

[SCENE TRANSITION]

[There is outdoor ambiance. BLUSTER snorts in the distance. Footsteps through grass and someone knocks on a door.]

TEX: Outlaw, you ol’ sunnuva gun! I was wonderin’ when your sorry ass was gonna show back up. How’d the trip into The Trunk go? You find everything you was looking for?

OUTLAW [Tearing up]: Yeah… I found more schematics for the array. They’re… They’re  using iridium… to stabilize… stabil- [Sniffs., TEX giving sounds of concern in the background]

TEX: Outlaw are you okay? What’s wrong?

OUTLAW [Sobbing]: Oh, Tex! Tex, it was awful! 

TEX: It’s okay, it’s okay. Come here, come here. I gotcha. I gotcha. It’s going to be okay. Tell me what happened. It’s going to be okay. It’s okay Outlaw

[They embrace, OUTLAW’s sobbing getting muffled]

OUTLAW [Muffled weeping]: I almost got us all killed. A lot of the Tys were- that were helping us got killed. They sacrificed themselves for us. I- I almost got Mikey put back in storage. I- I almost ended Base. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Tex.

TEX: It’s gonna be okay, Outlaw. You kept saying “almost.” “Almost” only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. And Sly’s still the only one I know who got grenades. Those are safe and sound at his place. Come on, let’s get you inside. You can tell me all about what happened.

[The night ambiance continues playing, until it fades and the]

[OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS.]

CREDITS (MICHAEL) [Singing]: Hey y’all, this has been WOE.BEGONE. The voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out his podcast Shadows At the Door, or go to Davidault.co.uk for more. [normal] Shout out to Outlaw Ty.

BLOOPER (BLUE): You know, I always thought a brain chip would look good on us. It would let us listen to that podcast, you know, the one with the theme music that goes- [OUTSIDE TIER ONE INTRO MUSIC STARTS PLAYING]

BLOOPER (BLUE): You know, I always thought a brain chip would look good on us. It would let us listen to that podcast, you know, the one with the theme music that goes- [A BALLAD OF FIEDLER AND MUNDT [WELCOME TO NIGHTVALE INTRO MUSIC] STARTS PLAYING]

BLOOPER (BLUE): You know, I always thought a brain chip would look good on us. It would let us listen to that podcast, you know, the one with the theme music that goes- [A BALLAD OF FIEDLER AND MUNDT [WELCOME TO NIGHTVALE INTRO MUSIC] STARTS PLAYING]

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

AFTER-CREDITS (DYLAN): Okay, so. This is totally off the record- this is how you get rich making audio dramas. Okay so first you make your podcast, and it can be- whatever nonsense as long as you just like get it out there, y’know? And then once you get it out there you can start working with voice actors and the community and- you need to give them a role with an accent that they have never done before. And so then, you get them locked into that role, and you say “Hey, uh I noticed you were struggling with your accent a little bit, I can actually do a cowboy voice uh. If you give me like, a hundred dollars per 30 minute session, we can hammer it out and you can have the best cowboy voice of all time.” And then the money printer is just on from there on out.

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

BLOOPER (OUTLAW): Oh Christ on a bike! I’ll grate who- I’ll great huge wobbly dangly. Oh spa monkeys!

[END Episode 141.]