140: The Saga Of The Failing Array

SUMMARY

Do not panic over future things that might not happen. Panicking will not prepare you. It will only make you weaker. Oooh, so much tension in your shoulders.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Synthium and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 140.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. First of all, happy holidays. I didn’t stream last Sunday because it was Christmas eve, but I will be streaming again very soon, maybe on New Year’s eve, maybe not. But usually on Sundays, I write that week’s episode soundtrack, and then we hang out and play a video game. We got started on Pony Island last stream, it’s a really fun, cool, surreal sort of game, and I’m excited to finish it. So if you want to see that go to twitch.tv/woebegonepod, 

And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon, at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtracks albums, QnAs, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. When my family was in for Christmas this year, I explained to them that I am basically a postcard salesman, and that if you sign up at the $15 dollar level or above, every month you will get a postcard designed by me with a message from one of the characters in the show. The message stands alone on its own but when put together with other messages sent to other patrons, they tell a larger story about something going on in Old Brush Valley. So if you’d like to be a part of that, check that out at patreon.com/woe_begone. 

Special thanks to my ten newest patrons, [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains some body gore and gunfire. Listener discretion is advised.]

[Sounds of thunder and rain, with occasional interruptions by time travel noises and MIKEY grunting]

MIKEY [Sleeptalking]: No, I don’t even want my job back just- Rick, I just want the soccer ball. You’re not even going to use it- I paid $10,000- give me the soccer ball back.

[Bluster snorts]

MIKEY [Still Sleeptalking]: I don’t care if you dropped it in the mud, it’s mine… It’s- It’s wet.

[Bluster snorts again. MIKEY awakens with a start]

MIKEY: Ah! Bluster! Fuck! Get your snotty nose off of me! What the hell? Why are you in my bedroom? Why are you inside the house?

TEX [muffled]: You got that mongrel up yet, Bluster?

MIKEY: Tex? Why is Bluster in my room?

TEX: Someone had to wake your sorry ass up! Get outta bed, Mikey. Can’t you see what’s going on? The sky is damn near fallin’. We’re under attack!

MIKEY: Uh, attack? It’s raining really hard. Bluster, what is he talking about?

[Bluster snorts again]

MIKEY: …What, does he think that someone sent us a thunderstorm in the middle of the night? Is that possible? I guess I can imagine it being possible, but I’ve never heard of anyone doing it. It does look like a disaster area out there though.

[Time travel noise blips twice, extremely quickly]

MIKEY [Slightly panicked]: Whoa, whoa, what the fuck was that? Bluster, did you see that? Was that a person out there in the rain? They were there and then they weren’t? It was a person, right? That- that wasn’t my imagination, they were right there. Like, not 5 feet from the window. Fuck. Well, I’m awake now. Unless this is a nightmare. [Calling out] Hey Tex, I think I just saw something!

TEX: Well quit your sightseeing and get your ass in here with the rest of us. And bring your shotgun. 

MIKEY: I don’t have a shotgun, Tex. What the hell?

TEX: There’s one under your bed. And there’s some ammo, too. Merry Christmas. Now load that sucker up and meet us in the living room.

MIKEY [Loading shotgun]: Okay. Has this been here the whole time? What the hell is going on? It’s… 2:17am, it’s raining cats and dogs, there is a giant horse in my bedroom, and there’s a disappearing man outside my window. I would really like to wake up now. [Sounds of slapping, and a sigh] It’s not a dream, is it Bluster?

[Bluster snorts]

MIKEY: Then I guess we’re going to see what all of the fuss is about.

[Footsteps, and the sound of the door opening]

MIKEY: Hi, everyone. 

MIKE: Well, better late than never, Mikey. You have a good sleep?

MIKEY: No, I didn’t. I had a stress dream about a job that I quit ten years ago and then I woke up with Bluster’s nose in my face. 

MDAWG: Hey man, it’s cool. Dreams are dreams, so that dream’s gone now, you know? I made coffee if you want some. There wasn’t enough time for me to grind my own beans, but it gets the job done..

MICHAEL: It’ll wake ya up is the most important part. We need you awake, Mikey.

MIKEY: Awake for what, Michael? Nobody’s telling me what is going on and I just saw somebody outside my window. They were close, too. Or, I guess I saw their silhouette cause it’s dark and raining. They popped in and out super quick, like they transported and then left? I don’t know who it was, I just- I saw a human form. And it scared the shit out of me.

TEX: We’re under attack, Mikey.

MW: Did you load that shotgun, Mikey? Cause we might need it. 

MIKEY: Yes. Of course I loaded the shotgun.

MW: …Cause I know you’re a little gun shy.

MIKEY: Not as much as I used to be! And- look, I loaded it, okay, MW? Tex told me to load it, so I did and him telling me that also scared the crap out of me. So, is somebody going to tell me what’s going on? Is everyone okay?

MIKE: Yes, everyone is okay. So far.

MIKEY: Mike, what does “so far” mean?

MDAWG: It means that nobody is hurt, Mikey. It’s important not to let the present get away from us, not to let the panic disturb our clear minds. I can lead us in some focusing meditation. It will only take a moment.

MIKEY: I see that MDawg’s got his groove back.

MDAWG: I am trying to keep everyone calm.

MICHAEL: I’m already laser focused over here, pard. We ain’t got time for that. Mikey uh, Tex over here seems to think that the interloper outside was sent here to take us away.

MIKEY: Okay but who is the interloper? Is it Operose or the Compound?

MW: Well, it don’t gotta strictly be either one of ‘em, I suppose.

TEX: The Compound and Operose both know where we are. Have for a while now. They know that we’re conducting operations out of here. And both of ‘em have got reasons to wanna show up for a showdown. Y’all escaped the dome in the Compound. We sabotaged the Michael army and we got MDawg on our side now.

MIKE: Seems like conspicuous timing, if you ask me. We just let MDawg in. 

MW: Yeah but Operose coulda corrected letting MDawg loose before we ever got a hold of him. That’s what they wanted.

MIKE: Well, we could try throwing him out there as a peace offering.

MDAWG: [Sigh] I forgive you, Mike.

MW: MDawg’s valuable, Mike. He’s got important insider knowledge about Operose. He’s been inside of the different departments and he’s gone on missions and everything. 

MIKE: Yeah, I get it. But you don’t have to share a bedroom with the stinky hippie.

MDAWG: Deodorant has aluminum in it. And the skin under my arms is really sensitive. 

MIKEY: Are you saying that someone out there is trying to transport in here and that your two subjects are the Compound and Operose? Because if so, why wouldn’t they simply transport in here? They’re very capable of that. Hell, even Base is toying around with moving entire buildings. Either of those organizations could move this little shack and lock us up in some metal box where they could control us. The Compound already did that with Base. 

TEX: We’ve got protection from that, pard. Outlaw Ty installed an array on the roof to disrupt transport signals so people can’t invite themselves in. And they can’t just move the house, neither. The signal gets interrupted. That’s what you saw outside the window. They’re trying to come in and they’re misfiring.

MIKEY: And Outlaw Ty can just- is he a spellcaster? How can he do that?

TEX: Outlaw Ty’s better than any witch. He’s a scientist. While you were busy gettin’ our asses in trouble and getting held hostage at MDawg’s house, me and Outlaw were workin’ on projects of our own. We have access to the Trunk, which means we can sneak in and take a peak at what the Tys are workin’ on on the Compound computers. We found some materials relating to physical security. The schematics for this here array were just sittin’ on one of their computers one day. Brand new stuff, ain’t been perfected and ain’t been implemented at the Compound. Outlaw took a look at it and cobbled something together from what he had lyin’ around.

MIKEY: So you’re saying that Outlaw Ty can just make an anti-time travel array out of spare parts?

TEX: That is what I said.

MIKE: How long is this DIY engineering going to hold up, Tex?

TEX: Between the continuous efforts to subvert it and the amount of electrical energy in the air from the lightning uh, I’m not optimistic. Maybe a few minutes? Hours? Sure as hell ain’t forever.  That’s why we’re all standin’ around holdin’ shotguns. 

MIKE: These don’t seem like the type of people who are deterred easily by shotguns. And I don’t want to stand here and die for MDawg. No offense. 

MDAWG: I am not offended because I know that your words come from a place of fear and pain.

TEX: Well you sure are recovered from blubbering out in the desert, ain’t you?

MDAWG: I took an edible before bed.

MW: We don’t even know that they’re here looking for MDawg.

MICHAEL: Right, cause we don’t even know who these fuckers are.

MW: Then let’s not get ahead of ourselves and throw him to the wolves.

MDAWG: Agreed. We need to be present. Remember to breathe, it’s all going to be copacetic. All we need to do is wait it out. 

MIKEY: Is that what we’re doing? We’re just waiting around for the array to fail? 

TEX: Yup. Either we weather the storm or the storm comes for us.

MICHAEL: Ain’t nothin’ to do but to prepare yourself, Mikey.

MIKEY: I don’t like this. We’re waiting around to die, right? We’re trapped like rats. 

MDAWG: Shh, Mikey. Focus on your breathing. We aren’t in any danger. Nobody’s in any pain. There’s nothing that we can do to change our predicament. We are fine right now. We are going to be fine. Do not panic over future things that might not happen. Panicking will not prepare you. It will only make you weaker. Oh, so much tension in these shoulders.

MIKE: Credit where credit is due. The hippie does have a point.

MIKEY: And he does give a good shoulder massage. [Sigh.] Still, I really don’t like this.

MICHAEL: Don’t matter if you like it or not. It’s happening.

MIKEY [sighing]: Also, why is Bluster inside the house?

TEX: You seen it, Mikey. It’s raining hard out there. Might even get some big ol’ balls of hail. I can’t just leave Bluster out there to get rained on, can I?

MIKEY: Tex, his head scrapes the ceiling.

TEX: But he fits, don’t he?

[More sounds of the storm outside]

[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS.]

[The sounds of the storm continue, with brief blips of the time travel noise]

MDAWG: You look exhausted, Mikey. Are you sure that you don’t want any coffee?

MIKEY: I don’t want any coffee, MDawg.

MDAWG: And you didn’t want to play poker with them in the other room while we wait for something to happen, are you okay?

MIKEY: I’m fine with sitting right here, thank you. My head is all cloudy. I wouldn’t be able to focus on poker. I don’t know how they do it.

MDAWG: I think that they’ve figured out that worrying doesn’t accomplish anything. You’ve got to quit staring out the window. All you’re doing is worrying yourself sick.

MIKEY: No, I’m trying to figure it out! I keep seeing him or her or them or whatever out there. They keep dropping in for a split second and then going right back out. So I feel like if it wasn’t raining so hard I could get a video with my phone and we could go frame by frame and see who it is.

MDAWG: But it is raining that hard out there. What would you do when you figured out who it was? What good would that do? Unless you’re thinking about giving them what they want?

MIKEY: It would be a good first step to know what they want.

MDAWG: You’re hoping that it’s Lieutenant or Eagle. Because you’re pretty sure you know what they want. You think that they are here to retrieve me and take me back to Operose.

MIKEY: I didn’t say that.

MDAWG: And it was very considerate of my feelings not to say it, thank you. But I know how to read a room. If Lieutenant is out there trying to get in, you could just shove me out the door and solve everyone’s problems. Except mine. Is that the idea?

MIKEY: No! Even after all the shit with your other iteration, I couldn’t do that.

MDAWG: Well, no. You wouldn’t be doing the shoving. Based on tonight’s conversations, Mike would be. Mike and Michael are both capable, I think. That makes life so much easier, doesn’t it? To have so many people willing to do the hard and violent work on your behalf. So many people with dirty hands so that you don’t have to live with the burden of what that does to someone?

MIKEY: Are you asking me how I feel or are you telling me how it is?

MDAWG: I was an O.V.E.R. Mike, so I didn’t have Mike and Michael. I only had Edman. And he did all of the worrying for both of us. He held everything together. If there was something that needed a plan or a sacrifice, it was Edman’s job to get it done. We never addressed this out loud, but that was the arrangement. If someone had to sacrifice some comfort, it was going to be Edman sacrificing on my behalf.

MIKEY: Do you think that’s how Operose ended up taking him? Like, maybe Edman sacrificed himself in some way to protect you from something?

MDAWG: That sounds logical, in as much as logic factors into any of this. Maybe Operose just wanted a plaything and Edman was available. Edman would rather it be him than me. [Sighs.] I wish that I had given him more. But dwelling on the past would only drag me down. Even with time travel, I get the feeling that trying to change it would make things much worse. So, my only choice for now is to be happy that Edman’s love for me is so strong. And make sure that our sacrifices are not so asymmetrical when I get him back.

MIKEY: What do you think would happen if you agreed to go back to Operose? If that’s Eagle out there and you just decided to just go home with him?

MDAWG: I really have no idea. That was initially the plan; I was supposed to show up here and convince all of you to join forces with Operose. At least, that’s what I was told the plan was. Tex seems to think that I was being manipulated. And Michael told me all sorts of terrible stories about Eagle and Lieutenant and their army of Michaels and everything that they were put through in the name of destroying the Compound. [Shudders.] Torture. They tortured them beyond belief. Because normally if you are tortured that bad, at least you get to die. But not them. They were tortured endlessly and without mercy and then they were sent into the Compound to be killed. Don’t get me wrong. Eagle’s a great guy. He has never done me dirty, and he somehow knows exactly what my favorite donut is. But I am scared that he would use me up and put me in the garbage when he is done.

MIKEY: Yeah, that’s Eagle’s whole MO. Except the whole “nice guy” part, which you are unequivocally incorrect about. He was definitely manipulating you, and he was probably getting a big kick out of stringing you along about Edman and getting your guard down while he was planning on carving out your other eye or some heinous shit like that.

[Time travel noise, longer this time.]

MIKEY: Shit! Shit, MDawg, look right there. Right in front of the tree line.

MDAWG: Fuck. Yeah, I see it, Mikey. That is the longest that they’ve been out there. I still couldn’t tell who it was, though. But he was out there for a couple of seconds this time.

[Sounds of something moving.]

MIKEY: Fuck, the house is shaking. Uh, I think it’s happening, MDawg. The array is failing, or something. Fuck, the whole house is shaking. [To TEX.] Tex, I think we have a problem! The house is shaking!

MDAWG: We should probably head in there with them.

MIKEY: You’re right, we need to figure out what to do. [Footsteps, and the door opening] Guys, the figure was out there for like two seconds and the whole house is shaking. Something’s going on.

TEX: Yeah, no shit “something’s going on.” The array is giving out. They’re breaking down our defenses.

MIKE: Is there anything that we can do to fix the array?

TEX: The antennas on the roof probably fell out of alignment, what with the attacks and the wind blowing everything around out there.  

MW: Would it be possible to get ‘em back in alignment, Tex?

MICHAEL: That sounds dangerous, MW. Are you offerin’ yourself up to go give it a look-see?

MW [Sheepish]: Now Michael, you know I can’t do that because I don’t know what the array’s supposed to look like.

MIKE: Tex, if we aligned the array again, would it buy us more time?

TEX: Yup. Only problem is I’m the only salty curr who knows enough about that array to get up on the roof and get her done.

MIKEY: Is there even any point in buying more time? It sort of feels like the jig is up.

MW: Mikey, there’s always a possibility that something could happen if we hold out.

MIKE: Yeah, let’s not give up hope.

MDAWG: Guys, if it’s Operose waiting out there to take me back…

TEX: Then they can rot in hell, MDawg. I didn’t go through all this just to give ya back.

MIKE: The Michaels have a monopoly on self-sacrifice, MDawg.

TEX: You’re damn right we do. Which is why I’m gonna get my boots on and head up to the roof and fix the array. Let’s be smart about this, though. The most careful plan that I can think of is to prepare a correction either way. What we’re gonna do is disable the array, just long enough for me to fix the antenna. It will have to be disabled before I leave though, so y’all can correct the situation if it gets bad out there. But if I get up there and get it fixed, then y’all can issue a correction not to disable the array. You think that you can handle Calculator duty, Mike?

MIKE: It’s the role of a lifetime, Tex. So, how do we disable the array?

TEX: The array is powered by a box that is strapped down to the roof right about… here. So, what I want ya to do is take those shotguns of yours and blast that sucker to kingdom come. Think that you can do that?

MIKEY: Let me handle that. I’ve got the shotgun, Mike’s got the Calculator. 

MW: Mikey’s only volunteering so that he can pretend he ain’t gun shy.

MIKEY: I’m not gun shy and I am going to prove it.

MDAWG: It’s okay to be gun shy, Mikey. Bruno is gun shy and we don’t love him any less.

MIKEY: Don’t compare me to the fucking dog. I can do this.

MIKE: Are you sure that you want to do this, Tex? It’s dangerous and it’s only going to buy us some time.

TEX: Yeah, yeah. It’s better than sittin’ here playin’ poker and takin’ all your money.

MIKE: I was about to make a huge comeback. I had a great hand and I was about to go all in.

TEX: You’ll have to show me after we pull this off.

MIKE: Oh, I’m going to.

MICHAEL: You better be careful out there, Tex.

TEX: No such thing as “careful out there”. I’ll do you one better and I’ll get the job done. Y’all hang tight. You ready to kick this off, Mikey? You see where you’re supposed to fire? Right there, right into the roof. Yep, right… there…

MIKEY: Locked and loaded, Tex. Is everyone ready to get started?

MDAWG: I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

MW: Y’all better remember to cover your ears. That shotgun’s gonna be loud.

MIKE: Alright, my ears are covered. Looks like we’re ready, Mikey.

MIKEY: Alright, let’s do this then. [Deep breath.] Disabling the array in 3…2…1…

[The shotgun fires]

MIKEY: Fuck, that was loud.

TEX: That’s my cue. See y’all on the other side.

[The door closes]

MIKEY [sighing]: I hope he’s right about this.

MW: Me too cause the house is definitely moving.

[More sounds of something shifting]

MIKE: I’m pretty sure they’re trying to pick the house up and move it somewhere that they have more control over it. Like what the Compound did to Base.

MDAWG: You had better be careful, Tex.

MIKEY: No one knows how long this is going to take, do they? 

MW: Nope. I don’t think he told none of us about this array.

MIKE: It was smart to keep it a secret. If information about this array had propagated before the attack, they probably could have figured out what was going on and disabled it.

MICHAEL: Y’all still got your shotguns ready? Just in case. And, Mikey, don’t forget to reload–

[Time travel noise. Then a slimy sound of something slipping down a window]

MIKE: What’s going on- what is that sound?

MIKEY: It’s coming from outside from that side of the house.

MDAWG: Guys… the window… eugh…

MIKE: What is that? Goo?

MIKEY: Fuck. Fuck It’s Tex. Oh my god, oh my god.

MICHAEL: Well, it’s the left half of Tex, sliding down the window. [Sounds of TEX sliding down the window] And there he goes. 

MDAWG: They killed Tex… They killed Tex 

MICHAEL: Well I sure hope he’s dead, for his sake. Mike, I think it’s safe to say that this one’s a failure. You ready for that correction?

MIKE: I’m already punched in and ready to go.

MICHAEL: You need someone to come with you?

MIKE: Nope, I got it. I’m out of here.

MIKEY: Mike, hurry.

MIKE: Yep, I’m out of here, 3… 2… 1…

[Time travel noise]

MIKEY: I hope we did this right because not even the Compound can fix this 

[Sounds of something dripping]

MDAWG: Mikey, Mikey! 

MIKEY: Uh, uh Huh? Oh! Agh! What?

MDAWG [exasperated]: Move, Mikey!

MIKEY: Ah!

[The sound of something heavy hitting the floor]

MICHAEL: Well, looks like we found the other half of Tex. Almost fell right on ya, Mikey. Guess that mystery is solved.

MW: What do you think happened to him? You think he got hit by one of them “misfires” that he was talking about?

MICHAEL: Well, he’s the only one that knows and he’s a bit… indisposed at the moment. 

MDAWG: Mike… please hurry up. I should’ve gone out there, Tex can’t die for me. No, no, no. 

MICHAEL: Mdawg, [MDAWG mutters a few more nos] now ain’t the right time to lose your cool.

MDAWG: First Edman and now Tex. No no no. No no no. This is my fault. This is my fault… [A few shuddery intakes of breath] This is my fault, this is my fault. [Another intake of breath]

MW: Take your own advice, MDawg. Breathe.

MDAWG: No. No no no I should have gone out there. I should have gone-

[Time travel noise]

TEX [Slightly miffed]: Yeouch! Well [Claps hands together], that was mighty unpleasant, folks. I’ll tell you what.

MDAWG: Tex! You’re alive. Thank god.

TEX: Course I’m alive, MDawg. What, you think that Mike was gonna fumble the correction or something?

MIKE: I did think about letting you die up there and getting my money back. 

TEX: Well, you sure ain’t gonna win it back fair and square.

MIKEY: So, it hurt? You remember it happening?

TEX: It only hurt till it killed me. And of course I remember the whole thing. So that’s y’alls Christmas present for the year. Next year, y’all gotta take the fall.

MDAWG: Tex, I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

TEX: This ain’t your fault, MDawg. I didn’t do nothin’ that I didn’t want to do. You helped me out, even. I was thinkin’ about your meditation exercises while I was out there. It helped me keep my mind off of everything until it was over. So, thank you.

MDAWG: Y-yeah… um. Y-yeah.

TEX: And thanks to Mikey for disabling the array. Great shot, pilgrim.

MIKEY: Yeah, it was actually kind of fun… until half of you fell down through the hole.

TEX: Sorry that I put you through that. Didn’t have much control over it. 

[A loud knocking from the door]

MIKEY: The array is down…

MIKE: Were any of you guys expecting company?

MW: Oh yeah, that’s for me. I ordered a pizza.

MIKEY: I guess this is the end of the line.

MDAWG: Let me answer the door.

TEX: You ain’t answerin’ the door, MDawg.

MDAWG: You have sacrificed more than enough for me, Tex. All of you have. I can’t keep accepting sacrifices without offering something of my own. We’re all thinking the same thing: it’s probably Operose out there and they are probably here to retrieve me. You know how Operose works. You are not going to defeat them with Calculators and shotguns. The only way for the rest of you to make it out of here unscathed is for me to surrender. The right thing for me to do is to cowboy up and do what is right by my flock. Thank you for your help but I’m answering the door.

TEX: I ain’t gonna let you do that, Mdawg. I’m the cowboy round here.

MICHAEL: Tex is right. But also, I’m the cowboy round here.

MW: I don’t like labels but I got a cowboy hat on.

MDAWG: You’re going to let me answer the door, Tex. Because I am not asking for permission. I’m opening the door and that’s final.

TEX: MDawg… Be careful.

MDAWG: I’ll do you one better. I’ll get the job done. Thanks for everything, Tex.

[The door opens]

LIEUTENANT: Oh! Howdy, MDawg. Weren’t expectin’ you to answer the door.

MDAWG: Hi, Lieutenant. I’m done fighting. I’m ready to come with you. Just leave the Texas Base alone, please? You and all of Operose. They were just trying to protect me. I’m what you came for.

LIEUTENANT: Oh, we decided a long time ago we ain’t interested in hurtin’ ‘em. Was that y’all disruptin’ the transport? Cause wow, that’s mighty impressive. We’ve been tryin’ to get ahold to y’all all night and kept gettin’ stalled out.

TEX: Yup, that was us.

LIEUTENANT: That’s some impressive work. Y’all give Operose a call if y’all ever wanna make a boatload of cash. Cause I know that they’d buy up that technology in a heartbeat.

TEX: I’ll keep that in mind.

MDAWG: Can we just go, Lieutenant? You’ve put the Mikes through enough tonight.

LIEUTENANT: What? Mdawg, where do you think you’re goin’? Back to Operose with me?

MDAWG: …Yes? Of course? That’s what this whole night was about, wasn’t it?

LIEUTENANT: No, pilgrim, it weren’t. We got plenty of MDawgs back at Operose. Seems like you wanted to stay here and that’s no skin off our nose. Stay here if’n you want.

MDAWG: Then… Why are you here?

LIEUTENANT: Oh. I’m here for Troy. Operose’s Troy, of course. So uh, where are ya keepin’ him?

[OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS.]

TEX (BLOOPER): Between the repeated attempts to subvert it and the amount of electricical techical pickle and then dinner gee ditter boop and then boppy boo [Indescribable babbling] [In a high pitched voice] N’Yeah, I’m a witch!

[END Episode 140.]