138: The Puzzle Of The Hidden Panel

SUMMARY

Nobody’s eatin’ anybody.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Synthium and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 138.]

INTRO: Hey guys, plugs quickly here. Giving you the plugs that you need for the shows that you… think are good. I’ve been streaming over on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every week I write that week’s episode soundtrack and we hang out and play a video game. This last Sunday I played Hotel Sowls, So-wels? However it’s pronounced. It was a lot of fun. It was cool to hang out and chat and talk about what was going on. So if you want to come hang out that is twitch.tv/woebegonepod. 

And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon, over patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtracks albums, QnAs, director’s commentary, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. I want to shout out the commentaries this week. I just finished the first half of season 9 and that’s a pretty wild season where things end up in a very interesting spot. So if you’d like to hear those commentaries or any episode before that, check out patreon.com/woe_begone. 

Special thanks to my ten newest patrons, [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy. 

[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS.]

[Sounds of wind howling, banging on a door.]

MIKEY [Shivering]: Michael? MW? Let me in, it’s fucking freezing out here!

MICHAEL [Muffled]: Go away! Whatever you’re sellin’, we don’t want none! Don’t even matter, the door’s frozen shut.

MIKEY: Michael, I know that you’re tired of seeing me, but you’re going to want to hear what I have to say this time. Ty didn’t send me. I’m here of my own volition, for once. I was cleaning out my closet and I found something that I think that you might want to see.

MW [Also muffled]: He ain’t kiddin’ about the “froze shut” part, Mikey. We’re actually stuck in here.

MIKEY [Overlapping slightly]: Wait, really? Do you… need help?

MICHAEL: We’re doing fine and dandy without your help, greenhorn. It might be froze shut, but I can get us out of here any time I damn well please.

MW: Wait, are you telling Mikey the truth? Can you just get us out of here?

MICHAEL: Yup. ‘Course I can.

MW: Well, this is the first time you told me about this. I’d like to be able to get the door open. We’re losing oxygen in here.

MICHAEL: You didn’t really think we was stuck, did ya pard? I expected better from ya.

MIKEY: Hey, Michael? Why don’t you show MW how you’re going to get the door unfrozen and while you’re doing that, I can show you what I found in my closet and I can get out of this snowstorm. How’s that sound?

MW: Was it the cowboy boots, Mikey? ‘Cause me and Michael already know about the cowboy boots. You ain’t gotta explain yourself.

MICHAEL: Yup. You ain’t gotta explain yourself. We know exactly what’s goin’ on-

MIKEY [Overlapping hurriedly]: It’s not the cowboy boots Michael- I mean, I don’t know about what you’re talking about- I- I’m wearing them but it’s not like- [Inhales] There’s something much more pertinent to our situation. So hurry up and get the door open and let me in. I don’t think that Ty would let me get frostbite out here, but you never know. Maybe this whole winter weather thing is one big experiment built around slowly freezing us to death.

MICHAEL: Alright, I’m opening the door. Stand back, Mikey.

MIKEY: Please tell me that you’re not going to shoot the door? Michael I can see a layer of ice on the outside, it’s going to ricochet and hit you.

MICHAEL: I ain’t shootin’ it, dumbass. Now, stand back and let me get to work. 

MIKEY: Okay, okay. I’m standing back.

MICHAEL: Fire in the hole!

MIKEY [Sighing]: Wish he wouldn’t call me a dumbass. 

[Gas hissing, sounds of something being sprayed.]

MIKEY: Wait, what the hell is that?

MICHAEL: It’s a blowtorch, dumbass!

MIKEY: What the hell do you have a blowtorch for?

MICHAEL: For meltin’ shit. Obviously. [Extended sounds of fire, before slowly tapering.] There we go. Should be ready.

[The door creaks.]

MICHAEL [Voice clear]: Hey there, Mikey. What do you think of my handwork?

MIKEY: Well the ice is melted and the door is open, but the door is melted so, C+?

MICHAEL: Nah, that’ll buff out. What can we do ya for, pilgrim?

MIKEY: I already told you. I found something in my closet that I need to show you.

MICHAEL: You mean them cowboy boots you’re wearin’, pard? Already told ya, me and MW know.

MIKEY: No, it’s not about the cowboy boots. Look, I’m wearing the cowboy boots because I don’t have any other boots that go that far up my leg to walk in the snow that Ty dumped on us. It’s not because I want to wear cowboy boots, I have to. Can I come in, please? It’s cold.

MICHAEL: Sure thing, cowboy. Don’t close the door all the way back, it’ll freeze back again.

[Sounds of the door being closed]

MW [Voice also clear]: Hey Mikey. I’m gettin’ sick and tired of this artificial weather. Mikey, you’re friends with Ty, ain’t ya? Has he told you when he’s going to turn off all of the freezing cold?

MIKEY [Overlapping slightly]: No. I am not “friends with Ty Betteridge,” thank you very much. I am pretending to be friendly with him. He thinks that I’m his friend. Well, he actually thinks that I’m his loyal little subject, more accurately. To him, I’m his little obedient Mikey puppy dog iteration from the Compound at his beck and call who will do anything he says. But I’m not that guy, I killed him, if you remember. And I take great pride in having done so. So, no. I don’t know anything about the weather you don’t know. We’ve all seen the same “Ty Betteridge Weather Update.” “It’s cold and it’s getting colder!” he says, every day for the past… I don’t know. I don’t know what days are anymore. Edgar probably knows what day it is. There’s no sign of the snow stopping. My official forecast is to plan for freezing weather and snow for the foreseeable forever. Which means that you two really need to suck it up and come inside. It’s starting to get dangerously cold, especially at night. It isn’t even that much warmer in here than it is outside. We have more than enough room for both of you inside of Base, I promise. You wouldn’t be crowding anyone. You’d be putting our minds at ease. Seriously. We’re starting to get worried.

MICHAEL: Ty can’t freeze me out. I got a coat. I got me some hot coffee. I’ll be fine.

MW: Well I ain’t very comfortable, but I gotta stick with Michael. We’ve been talkin’ about cuttin’ a hole in the roof and building a fireplace.

MIKEY: But you don’t have firewood, what would you burn in a fireplace?

MICHAEL: Whatever junk we got lyin’ around here. Some old Rafael Muslani books, uh furniture, folks at Base who keep pissin’ us off by cheatin’ every single game night…

MIKEY [Overlapping slightly]: Hey, hey! I know that we’ve been at each other’s throats a lot, but Base needs to present a united front against Ty. I don’t think that we should be making jokes about killing any of us. Things are deadly enough around here that it’s not very funny.

MICHAEL: What makes you think it’s a joke, pilgrim. She read through all the Trivial Pursuit cards! It ain’t fair!

MW: Whoa Michael! Don’t get worked up, now. It’s just a game.

MICHAEL: A game I woulda won!

MIKEY: Okay, this is getting out of hand.

MW: Michael, I’m sorry you lost at Trivial Pursuit. Can we get back on topic?

MICHAEL [Breathing deeply]: Yeah. I’m okay. Just been a long few weeks, is all. And y’all are right. I’m stir crazy.

MW: Hey Mikey, do you think that you could ask Ty about installing some trees inside of the dome? I know you said you ain’t friends with him, but he thinks you are. Maybe you could frame it as wanting the dome to look as much like Oldbrush Valley as possible. It would look a lot more like the Valley if there were some trees here. And we could cut down those trees for firewood.

MIKEY: I can ask him, but don’t expect it to amount to much. Ty loves to receive feedback and look like he’s considering it and even tell you that he’s planning to do something. And then he does whatever he was going to do anyway. I mean, you guys have seen “Grocery Night.” You know what a shitshow that’s been and that was not for lack of me going to him and advising him on how to run it better. I sat him down and told him “Hey, before you picked us up, Edgar was in charge of the groceries, and he’s very organized and you could ask him for an itemized list of what we get and how much,” and so he saw me, he heard me, and then… he ignored me and… it was a disaster. I don’t think that Ty knows what gluten is or what foods have gluten in them. And Edgar being hungry all the time has not helped with the interpersonal tension.

MW: The whole concept of Grocery Night’s dumb. It’s supposed to be so we feel like we’re getting out there and stretching our legs but it don’t work. Cause what it is is they’re rounding us up in a conference room inside of the Compound and having us “pick up groceries.” He didn’t even get shelves to make it look like a grocery store, we’re just picking stuff off a table. It was obviously just some food they already had lying around and didn’t want, so they pawned it off on us. And so that’s what we gotta eat because we don’t got a choice.

MIKEY: I agree. I’m not going to defend Ty Betteridge now or ever. But I do think that that’s what he thinks groceries are. You have to remember that he is very British. Those mushy peas that we got are real food that he really eats. I don’t understand it. The appearance and texture are one thing. Not very appetizing, but manageable. I’ll eat applesauce. But calling them “mushy peas?” Like, the official name of the food is “mushy peas?” That’s too much. “Mushy” is a word that describes food that is bad. For example, if you’re making a recipe, and you add too much milk and it turns out “mushy,” then it’s ruined. “Mushy” is a word that describes bad food.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I weren’t enticed by our options, either. I’m a dang cowboy, y’all. I gotta raise my own food. It’s in my blood. You outta ask Ty if he can get us some cattle in here. Maybe some chickens. Oh, and a goat! Between that and some seeds for crops, I could provide for the whole Base. We wouldn’t have to have Grocery Night.

MIKEY: I don’t know about that Michael. The dome is currently inhospitable to all life, I wouldn’t want to subject a goat to that. Not while there’s, what? 6, 7 inches of snow on the ground and counting? And there’s no sign that it’s ever going to thaw out?

MW: Did y’all ever even get this much snow at Base? 

MIKEY: I don’t know. We were just trusting that Ty was telling us the truth when he said that he was recreating Oldbrush Valley weather conditions. If we had this much snow at Base before, then I didn’t notice because I didn’t have to stand in it as much. 

MICHAEL: Well, if we can’t raise our own meat, we can always eat Ty when he shows up for that snowball fight he’s plannin’.

MW: Oh, quit your big talk, you ain’t eating no one. Mikey, didn’t you say you didn’t come over here to show off your cowboy boots? So, what’d you come to show us, then?

MIKEY: Yes, there was a reason that I came here, thank you for reminding me it’s uh, right here in my bag.

[MIKEY rustles through his bag.]

MIKEY: So a couple of years ago for me, so I guess a lot longer for you, Michael, I had just started taking codes from Edgar and getting into Tier 2. [rustling of paper]  I was looking for different ways to get into buildings when I came across the idea of cloning the O.V.E.R. RFID badges. I think I remember it working pretty well as far as cloning the badges went and maybe not that well from like the “consequences of my actions” standpoint, but what else is new? Uh… anyway, I was going through my closet at Base and I found a bunch of old stuff and apparently my old RFID reader-writer made it to Base when I was moving stuff over from the cabin. It’s, look it’s even got some spare cards that I didn’t use.

MW: That’s nice, I guess, Mikey. I ain’t particularly nostalgic about that, mostly cause of the “consequences of our actions,” like you said. That was right around all the stuff with the Hunters first started. What do we need an RFID reader for?

MIKEY: Because Ty has an RFID badge that he uses to get into credentialed zones. He keeps it in his back left pocket. You can see the lanyard it’s on when he walks around sometimes. So it shouldn’t be too hard to steal it when he isn’t paying attention.

MW: Okay, then we have a card. Then what? We’re sealed in the dome. Even if we have his credentials, we can’t walk around using ‘em, there’s no door to the dome to badge ourselves out.

MIKEY [Exasperated sigh]: You would know what the RFID badge could do if you would come to our weekly reconnaissance meetings. But, no. you two would rather sit out here in this sad little tool shed and suffer. Some people have actually been doing work to see if we can get out of here, you know. Not me, but people. Smarter people than me so I don’t have to. Edgar and Chance, mostly. And a couple of days ago, they found a panel that requires Ty’s badge to access.

MW: And, what does the panel do, exactly?

MIKEY: We don’t know, because we need Ty’s credentials to see any of that. Edgar does have an exciting hypothesis, though. One that led him to the panel in the first place. He was thinking about how there has to be some sort of failsafe for what would happen if Ty transported in here and couldn’t get back out. We know he doesn’t carry a Calculator on him – he thinks that they are primitive and dangerous. He is reliant on some outside technology to bring him in and out. So what if something happened while he was in here and that technology couldn’t get him back out? Surely that wouldn’t mean that he’s just stuck in here with us, we would tear him apart as soon as we figured out what was happening. So, Edgar thought that there might be a control panel that contains manual options for extracting Ty in case of an emergency. So he started patrolling the perimeter of the dome looking for panels and he found one.

MICHAEL: That’s a lot of conjecture, pard. I wouldn’t be plannin’ our trip to Disneyworld just yet.

MIKEY: The last thing that I want is to start getting people’s hopes up but the hypothesis makes sense, right? There’s a reason that a panel like that exists.

MW: It very well could be the case Mikey, but we’d have to steal Ty’s badge and use it on the panel. Sounds risky.

MIKEY: We’re already captives. We’re out here in the freezing cold. There’s only so much more that they can do in the way of punishing us. Ty isn’t going to dissolve Base or send us into the Compound with the other Mikes. He could have done that already and he hasn’t. And he certainly can’t make living conditions worse for the two of you icicles. You’ve already tortured yourself. And even if the panel isn’t a way for us to get out of here, there’s probably something interesting on it, and maybe a way to turn off this goddamn snow.

MW: I’d consider turning off the snow to be a huge victory, honestly. But uh, I ain’t optimistic about leaving. We already know we can’t sneak out. That’s the problem with those assholes who iterated us. Ty would notice we were gone and track us down. So, in order to sneak out we’d have to iterate new replacements and then they’d be stuck here. Rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat and you’ve got another Mustardseed.

MICHAEL: Mikeyseed.

MIKEY: Okay, then we just won’t do that. No new iterations. No breaking out until we can make a clean break. Will you at least check it out with me?

MICHAEL: Alright, Mikey. We’ll tag along with ya. But how are we gonna get the badge from Ty? Ain’t none of us experienced pickpockets. Not experienced enough for that amount of risk, at least. And he ain’t gonna hand it over.

MIKEY: I’ve got [counting on fingers] 5 words for you: The First Annual Base Snowball Fight.

MW: That was 6 words.

MIKEY: “The” doesn’t count, It’s a filler word. So Ty is going to be at the snowball fight. The whole thing is his idea. And he’s going to have his guard down regarding being attacked, because that’s the whole point of a snowball fight, we’re supposed to attack him. All we need is for one of you to playfully tackle him… you know like, as a fun little joke, like “We’re all friends here”… and get the card out of his back pocket when you’re wrestling around. Get it inside to me and I’ll make a copy. Then we run it back outside where he can find it in the snow where like, oopsie, he dropped it, it fell out of his pocket, whatever. Then, we wait for him to leave the dome  and we can access the panel whenever we’re ready. So… which one of you would like to tackle Ty Betteridge?

MICHAEL: You can leave that to me, pard. I’ve wanted to take that sunnavabitch down for as long as I can remember.

MW: You can’t hurt him, Michael.

MICHAEL: Can’t hurt him too bad, ya mean. I can break one of his legs, at least, right?

MIKEY [Scorning]: Michael.

MICHAEL: Fine. Just a friendly concussion.

MIKEY: Don’t hurt him.

MICHAEL: I’ll… hurt his feelings.

MIKEY: Okay, whatever. Just get me the card.

MICHAEL: You got it, boss. Now, let’s gear up for a snowball fight.

[SCENE TRANSITION.]

[Inside the tool shed, with the sounds of MICHAEL AND MW fighting with TY muffled and overlapping.]

MIKEY [Muttering to himself]: Alright, how does this program work again? [Typing of keys] Wasn’t hard. Oh, here we go! It’s happening! Oh no, Michael! Don’t hit him- god dammit. 

[Sighs in exasperation] I told you not to fucking hit him. There’s the card. There’s MW. And he doesn’t see it. And he has the card, okay. Okay great. Great. 

MICHAEL [Muffled, directly overlapping top audio]: [Thud, presumably from a snowball] C’mere you stinking varmint! Yeah, [Thud, from presumably another snowball] you can’t wriggle away from Michael! I’ve got you right where I want ya! [TY: Get off me!] [sounds of MICHAEL laughing] Oh! Sorry there, pard. Didn’t mean to hit ya, I got carried away. You okay? How many fingers am I holdin’ up? Heh, close enough. You’re gonna be okay Ty. Alright here, grab my hand. Up! Alright, [Someone, presumably MICHAEL, pats TY on the shoulder] alright you’re good. Back to the snowball fight?

[The door opens]

MW: Hey Mikey, see that? I got a gift for ya.

MIKEY: Yeah, I did see that. He smashed a snowball against Ty’s head really hard. 

MW: Yeah, we had better get this done quick. Ty didn’t seem that hurt, but if I were him, I wouldn’t wanna hang around for much longer. I’d wanna take my snowball and go home. So, oughta get this back out there to him asap. 

MIKEY: Yep, I’m on it. Uh, [MIKEY laughs] this is a really bad picture of him. Like, worse than our passport photo somehow.

MW: Yeah it barely looks like Ty Betteridge. Wonder when it’s from.

MIKEY [Overlapping slightly]: Well I hope it’s the past for his sake, [Sound of keys tapping] cause if he ends up looking like that that’s uh. Unfortunate [more laughter] That haircut- Okay, this is good, just a second. There’s not a lot of data on these. Uh, they aren’t sophisticated, which is why you can just badge in somewhere super fast. …And… [Typing stops with a flourish] we are done. I have the data right here. You can get this back out to Ty and I’ll get this data backed up and put it on a blank card. How’s that sound?

MW: Sounds good to me. You gonna tell Base about this?

MIKEY: Not yet. I don’t think. The more I think about it, the more that I worry that we’re going to find out that it’s some sort of diagnostic tool that can’t do anything. I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up or propagate any information. It could be nothing. I don’t want people thinking they’re about to go home. I know that Marissa’s been really sore about Charlie recently. I think it would gut her if she thought we were going home but it turns out that we found like a sound test menu. …You think there’s speakers in the dome?

MW: Yeah, some of that wind sound is piped in I think. It ain’t that windy. Think we should wait until tonight to meet up, so no one sees us fiddling with the control panel?

MIKEY: I think that’s for the best. Keep it between the Mikes until we see what there is to see. We can always have an emergency meeting first thing in the morning if there’s something worth pursuing.

MW: Well, I hate early morning meetings but, sounds like a good enough plan to me. I’m gonna head back out there. Am I gonna see you on the battlefield?

MIKEY: No I’m done. I don’t know if you’ve been hit with one of those snowballs from Marissa’s igloo tank yet, but those suckers hurt! They’re big and she’s firing them at very high velocity. Somehow. I don’t know how she’s doing that, but it’s like she has a real tank that shoots snowballs. She hit me point blank and I’m going to have a bruise all down this side tomorrow. So go have fun, but be careful.

MW: More fun for me then. But uh you should know that Michael and I have a plan for something way bigger and better than Marissa’s dinky little tank. If we can pull it off, of course. You’re welcome to join us. 

MIKEY: You’re going to have to tell me about it tonight. I’m going to stay here where it is safe and warm.

MW: Suit yourself. I’ll tell ya about it tonight. See ya, Mikey.

MIKEY: See ya, MW, be careful out there.

[We hear the door open, and then close.]

MIKEY [SIghing, to himself]: You can take the girl out of the tank, but you can’t take the tank out of the girl. I swear to God- ow.

[SCENE TRANSITION.]

[Wind blowing.] 

MW: Wait uh, is this it, Mikey? How the hell did Edgar find this?

MIKEY: See that little gap there? Yeah that gap is a lot bigger than on all of the other panels. Edgar checked every single panel for something like this. And once he saw that gap he looked into the crack and he saw a little part of a screen behind it. See?

MW: Uh. Barely.

MICHAEL: Probably a lot easier in the light of day.

MIKEY: Michael’s right. And if you look in this side, you can see that there is a spot for reading a card. Which is how we knew that it took an RFID chip. Which, hopefully is Ty’s. If it’s not, then I don’t know what we’re looking for.

MW: Alright, let’s find out then Mikey.

MIKEY: Sure thing. You guys ready?

MICHAEL: Bring it on, pard.

MIKEY: Alright, here goes nothing.

[The beep of the card reader and the sound of the panel moving.]

MIKEY: And, there we go, we’re in!

MICHAEL: Yeehaw, pard.

MW: Yeah, cool beans. What’s it say, Mikey?

MIKEY: “Geodesic Base Emergency Diagnostic Controls.” That sounds promising, right? Uh,  let’s see here. Yeah, we’ve got… we’ve got everything. We’ve got weather, temperature, airflow, humidity, that’s light and sound, turf conditions… and then a big red button with an elephant on it.

MICHAEL: And that’n summons a giant elephant into the dome. I was telling you earlier I wanted livestock. Let’s push it, Mikey.

MIKEY: I’m pretty sure that elephant represents the trunk, Michael. I bet that it takes whoever pushes it into the trunk. That’s what an elephant means in the rest of the Compound, anyways.

MICHAEL: I don’t know about all that.

MW: The trunk is a place inside of the Compound?

MIKEY: The trunk is a secret room at the bottom of an elevator. Only the Ty’s know how to get there. Well, the Ty’s and all of the Texas crew that saved you guys from the army of Michaels.

MICHAEL: So, pushin’ that there button will get us out of the dome?

MIKEY: Out of the dome, yes. But not out of the Compound.

MW: Should we push it then, Mikey?

MIKEY: Uh, we can? It’s easy to get back into the dome from the Trunk. That’s what I did when I showed up and killed replacement Mikey. Outlaw Ty put me in the trunk and then I got into the dome through there.

MW: What if someone’s waiting in there?

MIKEY: I highly doubt anyone is in there. The trunk is reserved for the highest tier of emergencies. Stuff where multiple Ty’s need to meet together in secret. They take its use extremely seriously. The trunk is a secret to the Compound. Not even Kasimieras knows anything about it. It is Top Top Secret Ty Betteridge material.

MICHAEL: So we should go give ‘er a look.

MIKEY: Okay, well I didn’t say that. Because we still need to be extremely careful, because Ty Betteri– Michael!

MICHAEL: Let’s ride.

[Time travel noise.]

MW: So uh. Were you right, Mikey? This here’s the trunk?

MIKEY: Yeah. This is the trunk alright. Thank god, because if I had been wrong, who knows where the button would have put us, Michael. But, it doesn’t look like anyone’s been in here since the last time we were in here. All the same stuff is still open on the consoles. The long and short of it is, everything that the Ty’s use is accessible to us from here. Security cameras, computers, time travel tech, the intercom system. Everything everything, as far as I know.

MICHAEL: Does that mean that we can wreck shop in here? Just bust out the [Blowtorch sounds] and take care of the whole place?

MIKEY [Spluttering, overlapping slightly] : You brought the blowtorch?! Why?!

MICHAEL: Never know when you might need it. We gonna melt these computers or ain’t we?

MIKEY: No! We’re not going to melt the computers. These aren’t the computers that are controlling the programs. They just have access to them.

MW: Hey uh Mikey, what’s this program that’s up on this computer? It shows something about Michael.

MIKEY: That’s… the program that Ty used to kill all of the Michaels during the attack.

[Blowtorch turning on.]

MIKEY: Stop that! Michael, that won’t even work.

MICHAEL: Then you better delete it the old fashioned way, pilgrim. You can do that from here, can’t ya?

MIKEY: I can, but we shouldn’t. That program is the only reason that any of you are alive. We needed to execute it in order to survive the attack from the Michaels. Operose was going to kill all of you.

MICHAEL: Well, the Michaels is gone now.

MIKEY: As far as we know. What if they come back?

MICHAEL: I think you’re underestimating OI. I don’t know if they’re still  raisin’ an army of Michaels or not, but if they are, they learned their lesson about that brain chip. It won’t work on ‘em twice. Would be better for all of us not entertaining the idea that it would work again. Only waste our time. Now that program is just somethin’ that Ty can use to order me around. C’mon, Mikey. It’ll help us get out of here if he can’t kill me from his smartphone any time he feels like it. So let’s give it the [Blowtorch turning on.]. Metaphorically, I mean.

MIKEY: You have got to stop doing that- [noises of distress] You’re not… wrong. So, here, let me just…

MW: What is that Mikey?

MIKEY: It’s a thumb drive. I don’t want to lose this program in case we really do end up needing it. And if I download it then we’ll have it and Ty won’t. Hell, we can show it to Edgar and–

[A fist hits something. Probably MIKEY.]

MIKEY: Let go of me! You’re- Ow! Ow, let go you’re going to break something!

MICHAEL: Give me my goddamn brain back, asshole!

[Sounds of struggling.]

MIKEY: Michael! Please, stop

MICHAEL: I got you!

MIKEY: Ow- 

[The blowtorch sprays once again, MIKEY cries out in pain.]

MICHAEL: Take that, you fucking thumbdrive.

MIKEY [With increasing noises of distress]: Michael, my hand!

MICHAEL: I barely got your hand you nitwit. 

MIKEY: Well, it still hurts.

MICHAEL: And [keyboard clacking]… program’s deleted. Good riddance.

MIKEY: You should have let me back it up. You made a big mistake just now. 

MICHAEL: You’re lucky I didn’t back your face up.

MW: Mikey your hand don’t look that bad. I’ll help bandage up when we get back to the dome. But uh, I really think we should go. I don’t think there’s much more we could do here tonight.

MIKEY: [Exhales painfully] Fucker. Fine, I’m ready to go too. We figured out that we could get here, that’s the important part. And right here is the Dome Observation computer. We can put ourselves right back in from here.

MW: Let’s go. You ready Michael?

MICHAEL: Yeah. If and y’all don’t want me to blowtorch nothin’ else.

MIKEY: I sure as hell don’t. Alright [keyboard clacking], taking us back to the dome in 3…2…1…

[Time travel noises.]

MW: Home sweet home, y’all. That travel from the trunk and back is smooth.

MIKEY: Yeah, I think it’s because it’s exact movement within the Compound. It knows exactly where it’s sending us, so we land on our feet. And we are right back at the keypad. So while we are at it, let’s turn off this fucking snow and the wind and make it maybe, I don’t know, 50 degrees warmer in here.

MW: I’d like that but, what happens if Ty Betteridge shows up and asks why the weather inside the dome improved?

MIKEY: Well I think that Michael has an answer for him. Michael?

[Blowtorch turning on.]

[End theme plays, while the blowtorch slowly fades out]

OUTRO [Rapping]: Hey y’all, this has been WOE.BEGONE. David Ault doesn’t know that he’s in this one. I took some clips from some different episodes to make it sound like a fight in the snow. With Michael. Check out Shadows at the Door. I feel worse every time I do this. 

BLOOPER (MIKEY): Hey, hey! I know we’ve been at each [Slurring] other’s throats a lot. But, Base [morphs into an accent] needs to present a united front. [In another accent] I do not think we should be making jokes about killing any of us. Things are deadly enough as it is that it isn’t very funny. [Back to normal, deadpan] That’s my real accent.

[Brief start-stop of closing theme.]

BLOOPER (MICHAEL): Alright MW, launch the mech. [Sounds of said mech powering up] Get ready to get snowed in, motherfuckers. [Sounds of stomping]

[END Episode 138.]