135: The Conundrum Of The Cowboy’s Codex

SUMMARY

Give me the hat, I’ve got an idea.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript written by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 135.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. November 18th is the three-year anniversary of when I uploaded the first episode of WOE.BEGONE to the SoundCloud and so to celebrate our three year anniversary, I am doing a 24 hour live stream starting on Saturday the 18th. We did a 24 hour live stream back when episode 100 came out and it was a lot of fun and there are a lot of good memories, hanging out playing games. Most of those memories aren’t mine. I was sleep deprived. I barely remember anything but go follow me at twitch.tv/woebegonepod and I will make a post in the main feed with more specific times closer to the date and if you would like to support the show you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. This week I would like to shout out the commentaries because I am doing the commentary for episode 101, What A Wonderful Day In The Valley, which is a very important episode and a great time to get into the director’s commentaries. So sign up at the $10 and up level if you would Like to hear those. That’s at patreon.com/woe_begone . Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED]. Enjoy.

MIKE: Alright Bruno, good w-a-l-k. [We hear Mike enter the apartment with BRUNO] Let’s see what these cowboys left in their inbox for us. [flipping through some mail. BRUNO’s nails skittering across the floor.] Let’s see we got spam mail, we got…spam mail, we got—Ooo a cowboy magazine. Of course the old coot still reads magazines. Or at least looks at the pictures. Wait, is this from America? How much did he pay to import this? Does he know what the internet is? Alright, moving on we got a Latvian newspaper that they can’t read… uh, some bills. Boris has us covered there, thank God. [To Bruno.] Yes, your dad is so understanding about the complications that come with being a time traveling cowboy, isn’t he, Bruno? He knows way too much for his own good, doesn’t he, boy? [BRUNO whimpers.] Yes he does! Uncle Mike is going to have to keep a close eye on him to make sure that he doesn’t blow up the Compound with that rocket launcher he showed us this morning. Ugh. [Pause.] Approval for a credit card with… 24% APR? C’mon guys. You have to know that’s bad. They really needed an Edgar here. Makes me wonder about Sly’s credit. What’s the mortgage on his ranch look like?

[Sound of mail dropping on the table.]

MIKE: Alright, mail is sorted and you were such a good boy. You almost didn’t eat any poop at the dog park! Such a good boy. You missed me so much, you cute little patoot. Yes you did, yes you did. I bet those silly cowboys didn’t even give you the good treats, did they? Only Uncle Mike knows where they are. [BRUNO pants excitedly.] They’re trying to starve you. Poor little doggy. That’s why Uncle Mike is the best, right? Such a good boy. Wait here now, okay? Stay. Stay. Good boy. Let’s get you some special Uncle Mike treats.

MIKE: Okay so it was, one, two, three floorboards over and then one, two, three, four down. [creaking noise.] And voila! The good stuff. Completely untouched. I really thought someone would have found it by now. Or that Bruno would’ve torn up the floorboards to get to it. 

[Sound of a bag opening.]

MIKE: Alright Bruno! [BRUNO skittering around excitedly.] Jerky time! Jerky time! Jerky time! [BRUNO barks.] Come and get it! Come and get it! Come and get it!

[BRUNO barks.]

MIKE: [addressing BRUNO with a sweet excited tone.] Oh Bruno. Can you sit? Good boy. Can you shake? You shake? You shake? You shake? [BRUNO pants excitedly.] Good boy. Good boy. Can you lay down? Good boy. Good boy. Can you roll over? Can you roll over?  No? You can’t roll over? [return to normal tone.] That’s fine. Three out of four isn’t bad. [Sounds of Bruno chewing on a treat.] Good boy, good boy, Bruno. Now, can you lay down on the couch and behave while Uncle Mike finds what he’s looking for? No? You can’t? Of course you can’t. Just don’t eat anything that you’re not supposed to. I’ll be right back.

[rummaging through papers.]

MIKE: Ugh. Michael hasn’t gotten any more organized since the last time I was here. Which I guess is good if you’re trying to hide something. Alright, partner, give it up. Where’s the goods? It’s got to be around here somewhere. Is this it… no, this is a handwritten invoice for dog treats for Boris. Michael you can’t charge Boris for dog treats he’s paying your rent. [rummaging through papers.] Come on, come on, there’s gotta be something in here. I wish I had, you know, any idea what I was even looking for, but I guess that’s the point of this whole thing. Who’s wedding invitation is this?

MIKEY: Oh, were you not invited?

[Gunshot.]

MIKEY: Ah! Fuck, man, what was that? You’re the intruder! What if someone heard that and called the cops?

MIKE: If someone heard that then they would chalk it up to another day that ends in “y” at the Michael Walters apartment.

MIKEY: Well, Michael was working on sound proofing.

MIKE: Who are you or the next shot won’t be a warning?

MIKEY: Excuse you, same question. The surveillance equipment picked up movement in the apartment. No one’s supposed to be here. Who the hell are you?

MIKE: Yeah and I could ask you the same question.

MIKEY: I just said that.

MIKE: Well, it’s true. I’m Mike. I’m “Latvia Mike.” The Mike that used to live here. See? Wedding ring, cauliflower ear, some handsome wrinkles. Future iteration Mike Walters. Now, who are you?

MIKEY: I’m Mikey. The Base’s Mikey.

MIKE: Bullshit. I have it on good authority that everyone at Base is in the Compound.

MIKEY: That’s a long story. Ty replaced me and put me in the compound. And then someone broke me out, I grabbed a calculator, and then I went in and got our iterations out of there. It’s a little hard to prove, but I’ll figure out how to do it. In the meantime, I guess–uh—here’s the brand. So at least you know I can’t be that far off from who I say I am. Just use your Mike’s intuition, okay?

MIKE: It’s really you, isn’t Mikey? 

MIKEY: It’s me. Is it really you, Mike?

MIKE: Yup, it’s me, come here.

MIKEY: God, Mike. I’ve missed you so much. [Sounds of them embracing and pats on the back.] Everything is such a mess right now. I mean, it’s always been a mess, but it just feels like it’s a mess on top of a mess on top of a mess and we can never get untangled. There are so many iterations and Edman and MDawg and Operose and we had to confront an iteration of Troy that was a fucking spy and it’s… it’s all been so much. And it’s—It’s so good to see you.

MIKE: It’s good to see you too, Mikey. We’ll get this untangled. Did you say that Troy was a spy?

MIKEY: Yeah we have a lot to catch up on. How’s Edgar?

MIKE: Still resilient, even in his old age. Heh. He’s–he’s doing great. Same as ever. You know how he is. How’s your Edgar?

MIKEY: Well, last time I saw him, he was successfully keeping everyone cooped up at Base from killing each other, so that’s good. But it’s been awhile. But yeah, he’s the same as ever, too. Running a tight ship, despite the situation. Making everyone do calisthenics in the dome so that they stay in shape. How much do you know about the dome?

MIKE: I know that they’re in there, building and all. I do have some sources of information. Can’t tell you, propagation, you know. That’s why I came back here. I wanted to try and fix it. I didn’t know that you were out. 

MIKEY: Yup, all three of us. And we are working on it, too, with some friends. I can’t say that I understand why you would come here to hatch a plan, though. There’s nothing left here since MW and Michael went to the Compound.

MIKE: Well it is great that you think that nothing is here. That is exactly what Michael wanted and it gives me hope that the plan worked. But you’re along for the ride now so I’ll just tell you. A long time ago Michael hid an emergency calculator, one that no one has accounted for. I had to get a ride here so I don’t have one. And it would be great to have one if we’re going to go toe to toe with the compound. But none of that matters now cause you’re here. You have a calculator, I assume. 

MIKEY: I sure do. An Outlaw friend of mine made it. You’ll meet him and the rest of the Texas posse eventually.

MIKE: Okay then problem solved. How fortuitous, we don’t have to go on a quest today. We can just use your calculator. 

MIKEY: Well, maybe we should look for it. There’s still utility in having a calculator that they don’t know about. There’s this side project of mine that I’m trying to keep secret. The Texas posse made this calculator and if I use it on that project, they’ll be able to see where I was going on the log files. And I trust them and everything but they could’ve programmed anything into this calculator so… maybe better safe than sorry? It would be nice to have a burner calculator that isn’t tied to anyone. Speaking of that project… How much do you know about Edman? 

MIKE: Oh, little ol’ me? I know nothing at all. Ed—who? Ed—man, you say? I’m supposed to know nothing. But Michael isn’t any good at keeping secrets from me when he gets emotional. He called me up one night and he was asking me all these questions about Edgar. Whether he seemed any different, if he looked like he might be better somehow even though he knows as well as I do that’s not how it happens. But I take it that something happened to Edman that made him suspect that something was going to happen to Edgar.

MIKEY:  You guessed correctly. I should preface this by saying that everything has gone tits up since then and you should absolutely not get your hopes up. Edman is missing and MDawg is behaving extremely distraught about it, so Edman could be dead, in fact he probably is. But, according to a file that we found in Operose, they cured him. I’m trying to figure out exactly what happened but the others want to focus on breaking out of the compound first. Which is understandable but—I can’t do it. I can’t wait. There isn’t enough time to wait. I have to figure out what happened. 

MIKE: I won’t get my hopes up, Mikey, don’t worry. I know as well as anyone that the truth is only as stable as the most stable timeline, which—I mean, none of them have been that stable so far. 

MIKEY: And we can try to get to the bottom of this now, right? We’ll find the calculator and you’ll come with me? 

MIKE: Yeah sure, Mikey. I just don’t want you getting your hopes up either, okay?

MIKEY: I don’t even know what direction my hopes are in right now. Maybe bleft. So, where did Michael hide this thing?

MIKE: Nobody knows. 

MIKEY: Well, like I said, we broke Michael out too. We could just ask him. Though we shouldn’t tell him what we are using it for. 

MIKE: No, nobody knows where it is. Michael doesn’t know either. 

MIKEY: For reasons that are convoluted? 

MIKE: Yup. Michael set up a series of hidden clues so that it would take a great deal of effort to figure out where he put it. Then it took those clues, traveled back to before he made them, and corrected himself so that he forgot about all of it. So those results exist even without the initiating action. So he couldn’t help us even if he wanted to because he does not know. 

MIKEY: Wait, does that work? Would the calculator still be where he put it?

MIKE: What I just said is what he told me. I think that it is at least equally likely that he made an iteration of himself to design those clues and then killed that iteration. 

MIKEY: Dramatic but in character for him. So where are these clues?

MIKE: I dunno. I have no idea what I’m looking for. And it can’t just be coordinates written down somewhere. That would defeat the whole purpose. Anyone going through his stuff would find that. So it has to be coded somewhere. And I think it’s going to be clues on top of clues. He made it sound like it’s going to take elbow grease. So codes, locations, clues—the whole mystery novel shebang. 

MIKEY: Mike. I don’t mean to alarm you but what you have just described is an alternate reality game. 

MIKE: I know. I think we are about to play a Michael ARG. 

MIKEY Life is very short, Mike, and we have to decide for ourselves how asinine we want that life to be.

MIKE: Look, it could be fun. And it would be nice for me to have my own calculator. 

MIKEY: Okay you’re right, it’s worth it for the calculator. It’s just, I hate ARGs, can you blame me? Because every time I think about ARGs, I think about WOE.BE–

[INTRO MUSIC ABRUPTLY PLAYS.]

MIKE: Alright the last part of the cypher is [sound of typing.] ZVPUNRY JNYGREF

MIKEY: Got it. Are we sure that this is part of a cipher and not Michael’s Eastern European friend Zvpunry Jnygref?

MIKE: We’ll go ask the babushkas if we don’t find anything. What does it say?

MIKEY: The website detected that it is an [sound of typing.] ROT13 cipher and that it is pointing us to [sound of typing.] a link and it’s an audio file. 

MIKE: I cannot wait to hear Michael SoundCloud mixtape 

MIKEY: [chuckles.] Yeah, me too.

[sound of MIKEY hitting one keyboard key.]

[recording begins and a simple melody on a guitar plays.]

MICHAEL: [a recording. singing along with the guitar.] Two of them in love. Two of them in love. Spell out the notes and tell them to bring you what I gave them.Two of them in love. Two of them in love. Spell out the notes and tell them to bring you what I gave them.   

[recording ends.]

MIKEY: Okay, then. That actually was a song. I was not expecting that.

MIKE: “Two of them in love, spell out the notes and tell them to bring you what I gave them.” Right?

MIKEY: Right but what does any of that mean?

MIKE:  Well, “spell out the notes” could mean the notes of the song. What are the notes of the song? 

MIKEY: I don’t know, but I bet that they spell something. Let’s find an online piano [sound of typing.]—cool. And start the song again. [sound of MIKEY hitting one keyboard key. recording begins again and plays in the background.] And now we just gotta—[sound individual piano notes.] plonk around until we find something. 

MICHAEL: [recorded and singing along with the guitar.] Two of them in love. [MIKEY: Oh, there’s one of them.] Two of them in love. Spell out the notes  [MIKEY: And there’s the other one. Our two notes are A and C.] and tell them to bring you what I gave them.

[recording ends.]

MIKE:  Okay, uh, A and C. A and C. Uh—Animal Crossing? Assassin‘s Creed. Uh. Why am I only thinking of video games?

MIKEY: Caw. It’s—it’s caw. [MIKE: What?] It’s C and A, caw. Caw. 

MIKE:  Wha—what is caw? 

MIKEY: It’s the sound a crow makes, Mike. The crows in the courtyard. Two of them are married, remember? 

MIKE: Right, that was ever so slightly after my time so you’ll have to leave the way. 

MIKEY: Right so we just gotta find Flapper and Shadow 2, and ask them to give us whatever Michael gave to them. 

MIKE: All right then, field trip to the courtyard, it is.

MIKEY: All right. Let’s do it. We had better leave Bruno here, though the crows are smarter than him and they pick on him. 

MIKE: That doesn’t surprise me. Crows are really smart and Bruno is—all right, let’s go. [MIKE turns his attention to BRUNO] We’ll be back in a second, Bruno we have to leave you here cause you’re dumb. Are you dumb? Are you dumb? [BRUNO barks.] Bye, Bruno. [BRUNO whimpers.] 

[scene transition.]

[murder of crows cawing. Sounds of distant traffic. ]

MIKEY: Hey Mike, give me the cowboy hat.

MIKE: What? What for? 

MIKEY: I have a plan, just give me the hat.

MIKE: Alright, here, fine. 

MIKEY: Attention! Everyone, uh, can I have everyone’s attention, please. I’m here on behalf of Michael. I have his hat. He really needs our help and I’m looking for Flapper and Shadow 2? Flapper and Shadow 2, are you here? [murder of crows collectively quiets down and Flapper caws.] Flapper, hi, it’s been a while. I’ve been at Base. You look great. Michael sent us here on a quest and he said to find you and for you to give us what he gave you. [Flapper caws.]  I’m not sure what it means but I was hoping that you did? What Michael gave you. [Flapper caws. Sounds of Flapper flapping and flying off.]  

MIKE: And there he goes, so he either understood you or he got bored. 

MIKEY: Michael has them trained to all sorts of phrases so I’m sure that he said “what Michael gave to you” and trained him to go get whatever that is. 

MIKE: I feel like there’s a miniscule chance that that bird is going to come back with a calculator and I hate that that chance isn’t 0% 

MIKEY: That bird as you called him is Flapper. Did you not see him flap? And if the calculator was entrusted to him, he would defend it with his life. He packs hard. You can ask Boris. 

MIKE: Okay, but I would much rather it be locked away somewhere. So, while we wait for the bird to come back, you said that Troy was a spy?

MKEY: More accurately, a replacement of Troy was a spy. Replacement iterations are super in right now. For instance, the Compound made a replacement of me that was more docile to put in the Base and put the real me into storage. Someone made a replacement of Troy with the intention of spying on me and Charlie at O.V.E.R. but Charlie caught on because she never forgets a face. So whoever did this didn’t know her very well. Me and Charlie tried to interrogate him but he either wouldn’t talk or he genuinely doesn’t know what’s going on and I can’t tell which is which? We are holding him in the feed shed in Texas for now, just until we can figure out what’s going on. And Tex and Outlaw are on recon duty for that project. They’re going to try to use the Calculator to trace exactly when Troy was replaced and who did it. 

MIKE: If everyone is in danger of being replaced, how can you trust anyone?

MIKEY: With the mikes we have the Mike Walters intuition check, as faulty as that can be sometimes. And, I know Edgar. I would know if he changed. And Michael is the same way with Sly. And for everyone, there is Charlie. Nothing gets past her and I mean nothing. But the real answer is that, no, you can’t fully trust anyone, but it’s always been that way. None of us are above being tampered with. You and me included, by the way.

MIKE: Well, do you trust me?

MIKEY: It doesn’t matter, I don’t have to.

MIKE: What does that mean?

MIKEY: I would tell you if I knew that I could trust you. [Sounds of Flapper’s wings flapping as he returns.]  Flapper is back! Hi, Flapper! Oh—oh, I was not expecting to land on the brim of the cowboy hat. You are heavy. What you got buddy? No, really, Mike, he’s on my hat so I can’t see. What is it?

MIKE: He is tucking a key into the band of your hat. 

MIKEY: Flapper, that’s so great. You’re such a good bird. Michael’s gonna be so happy that you helped us. [flapper caws.] All right, Flapper we gotta get going. We gotta figure out what key goes to. I’ll bring some peanuts later. Okay? [Flapper caws.] Bye, Flapper. 

MIKE: All right, are we done with the Disney princess shit now?

MIKEY: Yup! Back to the mystery. Uh, do you recognize this orange key? 

MIKE: Yeah I do actually. It looks just like the spare keys that Boris hands out when someone loses their apartment keys. He paints them orange so they are less likely to get lost. Which is ironic considering a bird gave us this one. We should be able to cross-reference this key with the ones in the lockbox at the apartment. Whichever one is missing is the one that this key goes to. And hopefully the calculator is there because I am feeling puzzled out. 

MIKEY: Alright and if we open that apartment door and someone is in there, we just explain to them that a cowboy told a crow to give us the key. 

MIKE: You know the longer you think about it the more full proof it gets.

[scene transition.]

[sound of a key in the lock.]

MIKE: Alright, and it is the moment of truth. Uh, I don’t think anyone lives here. You ready, MIkey?

MIKEY: I don’t know which one would be worse. If we barge in here and there’s a family in here, or if we barge in here and there are more puzzles.

MIKE: I think we’re at the end of the puzzles. We started out deciphering hexadecimal and we built up to visiting the crows in the courtyard, it feels like we’re escalating.

MIKEY: I hope so. [door opens.] Alright, in we go. 

MIKE: Thank god it is empty.

MIKEY: This puzzle has to be constantly maintained in order to be used in case of emergency. So, do you think that Boris keeps this apartment open? Like, just for Michael? Sorta like the one next door to you guys?

MIKE: Michael has passed his friendship test which means that Boris will do anything for him. And this isn’t even that big of a favor. Half the apartment building is empty. 

MIKEY: Well, I guess he’s good to have in your corner if you want to have an empty apartment and a safe right in the middle of it. Looks like the moment of truth, Mike. 

MIKE: Yeah but what is the combination to the safe? Do we have any clues left? 

MIKEY: We are fresh out of clues actually and if we have to go back to the apartment to look for more of them, I am not going to be so gentle tearing the place apart. I am done.

MIKE:  Okay, so what do we have? We have those ciphers. We have C A. We have orange key. We’ve got the crows. Do any of these like they could be numbers?

MIKEY: No—wait—I—I found something engraved on the safe. It looks like MW’s logo. So much for keeping a secret. It looks like we’re going to have to go hunt down MW and get him to open it. 

MIKE: That is not MW‘s logo. See the first part of the W is missing.

MIKEY: Okay then M N, then. Those are the 13th and 14th letters of the alphabet and it is a four digit combination, but that’s not really a puzzle. 

MIKE: It’s Mike’s number. 

MIKEY: What the hell is Mike’s number? 

MIKE: It’s an inside joke between me and Michael that apparently was him priming me to have these numbers to open this safe if I needed to.

MIKEY: Okay, weird, but we’ve got it so just put in the combination and will grab the calculator.

MIKE: Yeah, sure. Turn around.

MIKEY: What—why?

MIKE: You have your boundaries on trust and have mine. So, turn around.

MIKEY: Okay, fine. Have fun with your number. I’m turning around. 

[sounds of MIKE putting in the combination. MIKEY hums to himself.]

MIKEY: [soft sing-songy.] Inconspicuous turning around.

MIKE: It’s open. [sound of the safe door opening.] And, fuck there’s nothing in here. Fuck!

MIKEY: Then this isn’t the end of the puzzle. Look inside there’s got to be a clue or something. It can’t be a dead end. 

MIKE: Look for yourself Mikey, this is the end of the puzzle. Someone beat us here. 

MIKEY: It isn’t possible for someone to beat us here. In order to solve the final puzzle you have to have a number that only you and Michael know. So either you have it or Michael has it. And relying on previous knowledge in order to solve a puzzle is bad game design by the way.

MIKE: Yeah, Mikey, this is bad. There is a calculator that is out there and it is unaccounted for.

MIKEY: If there are two people that could have it, then that means that the other person has it. Michael has the calculator. I’m not too worried. 

MIKE: Mikey you have to take me to him now. He could have it and if he doesn’t then there is a problem.

MIKEY: We can’t bring him into this because then he’ll know about all the Edman stuff I’m doing behind his back.

MIKE: Now, Mikey.

MIKEY: Okay, Okay. Hold your horses. And get ready to meet a very large one. [switching to a cowboy accent.] All right, we’re going to Texas in 3, 2, 1. 

[Time travel noise.]

[Cricketsong.]

MICHAEL: Alright, hold perfectly still, Bluster. This ain’t gonna hurt or nothing. Just gonna make you a little bit larger. 

[BLUSTER snorts.]

MIKEY: Alright, Michael, I’m back. Mike’s here, uh, like, our Mike. Uhh, some stuff has happened. 

MICHAEL: Mike? Why’d you bring him here, pard?

MIKE: Michael, we went to get the emergency calculator and it wasn’t there. It asked for my number and when I opened the safe it was empty. 

MIKEY: According to Mike only you and Mike have that number so if you don’t have that calculator, then we have a calculator missing. 

MICHAEL: I don’t got it fellas. I ain’t ever tried to track down the emergency calculator. 

MIKE: That doesn’t make any sense. Does anybody know about this stuff that I don’t know about? Boris could’ve searched the place. He has a key.

MICHAEL: He don’t know your number. 

MIKE: Ty could’ve searched it while it was empty. 

MICHAEL: He don’t know it either. 

MIKEY: Do any of the other Mike iterations know, like MW?

MICHAEL: No sir none of them know. There was one iteration who knew but I killed him myself.

MIKEY: Wait, which iteration do you mean?

MICHAEL: The iteration that I created to make the puzzle, pard.

MIKE: Told you, Mikey

[Closing theme plays.]

AFTER-CREDITS (MICHAEL): [singing and playing guitar.] Give the orange key. Give the orange key. See my friends off. Make sure that they get to safety. Give the orange key. Give the orange key. Yes, go on my friends. Make sure that they find themselves some safety. Some safety. [guitar playing stops. Speaking instead of singing.] You hear that, Flapper? 

[END Episode 135.]