Episode 121: Big Christopher Will Protect Us

SUMMARY

Let’s get you out of the rain, champ.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript created and edited by Orion

WOE.BEGONE 121: Big Christopher Will Protect Us

[BEGIN Episode 121.]

INTRO: Hey guys. Welcome to the Season 11 premiere of WOE.BEGONE. I hope that you’re as excited as I am. It’s a new season, there are so many more new things to explore, and I’m excited to jump right into that with you guys. So let’s start with some quick plugs. I’m still streaming every Sunday on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where I write that week’s episode soundtrack and then hang out and play a video game. I think in the next stream I’m going to beat the main story mode of Celeste. So if that sounds like a fun time, go check that out at twitch.tv/woebegonepod. 

And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at Patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumental soundtracks, Q&As, director’s commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. Five dollar and up patrons get Bandcamp codes for the soundtrack albums. And with the Season 4 soundtrack album coming out soon, they will also get access to it early. The Season 4 soundtrack has been a long time coming, but I think that the wait has made me a better musician and has made these songs more unique and polished. You’re listening to one of them right now. So check that out at Patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning this episode contains a depiction of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

MICHAEL: Ugh. Ty said 1:00 p.m., dammit. Where’s Emdubya? What the hell are they doin’ to him?

MIKE: Michael, it’s 1:03, he’s fine. I’m sure he’ll show up soon. Just be patient. 

MICHAEL: If he don’t show up here in two dang minutes, I’m marchin’ myself down there [MIKE: What! No.]  to get him myself.

MIKE: No you’re not Michael.  They confiscated our Calculators and you aren’t driving to Jūrmala because the Compound gave MW back three minutes late. He’d get here before you got there, I’m sure of it. And we’re the one that requested that they operate on linear time.

MICHAEL: Mikey still got his Calculator from Base, I’ll use his.

MIKE: No, Michael. You’re not going to go in there and wake him up and ask him for his Calculator. [MICHAEL: Ugh.] He’s having a really bad time, if you haven’t noticed.

MICHAEL: I ain’t wakin’ him up, I’m stealin’ it from him. He don’t need to know.

MIKE: Bruno is in there and he will start barking if you start digging around in there. [Sighs.] Just be patient, Michael. It sucks and I’m a little worried too, but we are entirely at the whims of the Compound from now on. We have to get used to that.

MICHAEL: We ain’t at their beck and call from now on, pilgrim, it’s just in this timeline.

MIKE: Um, this timeline is where we’re staying. We worked really hard for it.

MICHAEL: This ain’t the first timeline that I’ve been in, and it won’t be the last.

MIKE: Michael, we just got our lives back. Can we wait five minutes before talking about putting them at risk again?

MICHAEL: [Sighs.] Wait five minutes like we’ve been waiting for Emdubya to get back? That’s it. That’s it, I’m gettin’ the Calculator. I don’t care if we wake Mikey up.

MIKE: Michael, please don’t.

[Time travel noise.]

[MW grunts. Bruno runs around.]

MICHAEL: Emdubya!

MW: H-Howdy y’all.

MICHAEL: Come ‘ere you.

MIKE: So much for not waking Mikey up. [Baby voice.] Come here, Bruno. Good boy, good boy. Did you jump off the bed like you always do?

MICHAEL: I’m glad to have you back, pard. I was gettin’ worried ‘bout ya.

MIKE: Yeah, uh, how was the Compound.

MW: Weren’t too bad. Nothin’ I can’t handle. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like that there’s copies of me in there, but they were nice enough to me. Ty is real interested in me, cause of how many times y’all consolidated me with our technology. Howdy Bruno.

[Bruno barks loudly.]

MIKE: Bruno, [Sighs.] If Mikey wasn’t awake before, he is now.

MW: Mikey still havin’ problems?

MIKE: Yeah. He had a panic attack a couple hours ago.

MIKEY [tired]: Hi MW. Welcome back.

MW: Hey Mikey. Sorry we woke you up.

MIKEY: It’s… fine, I was having that nightmare where Eagle kills me, like, you know the one.

MICHAEL: Y’see, in my version of the nightmare, it’s y’all that get killed and I’m tied up and I gotta watch.

MIKE: Ah, that sucks. How was the Compound, MW. Make any friends?

MW: It weren’t as bad as I thought it’d gonna be. Y’all made it sound like I was gonna get torchered.

MIKE: Well, I think technically they save most of the torcher for the ones that are stuck in there. So just be glad that you’re the original, right?

[Bruno barks, then runs around, panting.]

MIKE: Ugh, he’s got eh zoomies. I really need to walk him. Bruno! Bruno сидеть! [Pause.] There he goes.

MICHAEL: He’s off to the races, partner.

MIKEY: Hey, MW, this might be a weird question. Do you remember yesterday morning—

[Loud crash.]

MIKEY: [Cries out.] Gah! Fuck! [Mikey breathes heavily.]

MIKE: That was a vase, wasn’t it.

[Mike runs after Bruno, calling for him and telling him to sit. Michael joins Mike.]

[Mikey hyperventilates.]

MW: Hey uh guys? Mikey, it’s gonna be okay, it was just a vase. It- come’ere.

MIKEY [hyperventilating]: No, don’t touch me, you aren’t MW! Fuck.

MW: What are you talking about, Mikey? 

[Door opens. Mikey continues panting while running.]

MW [dropping the voice]: Mikey! Mikey! Mikey, wait.

[Door slams closed.]

MW [slowly using the voice again]: Guys, get back in here, Mikey’s run off.

MICHAEL: What do ya mean, “run off”? 

MW: He got scared when the vase broke and he booked it.

MIKE: And he’s the only one with a Calculator because he’s borrowing it from Base. Fuck. Do we call them and ask for a correction?

MICHAEL: Hell no. We ain’t callin’ up Base and tellin’ ‘em that we lost Mikey.

MIKE: Okay, so what are we going to do?

MICHAEL: We’re gonna hunt ‘im down. We’ll get ‘im back. Dead or alive.

MIKE: Alive, Michael.

MICHAEL: Dead or alive.

[Bruno whines.]

[Opening theme plays.]

[Sound of rain pouring down.]

MIKE: I cannot believe that you got ice cream in the middle of a rainstorm.

MW: Hey man, ice cream is ice cream. Don’t matter when you get it. I got an umbrella, it’ll be fine. And we need to look everywhere for Mikey. Have we heard anything else from Borris’s babushkas?

MIKE: Uh let me check. Uh… oh! Yes, actually, uh, Michael sent me a message saying that “a couple of weird Americans were spotted… getting ice cream” that was us. They found us.

MW: That’s a little creepy, did you see anyone lookin’ at us?

MIKE: I did not, but you cannot underestimate the babushkas.

MW: Are you sure it was us? Maybe Mikey’s gettin’ ice cream, too. He is one of us after all.

MIKE: No, they sent us a picture. Uh, see? Here’s you in the cowboy hat.

MW: Cain’t say that I’m a big fan of gettin’ spied on. How ‘bout you Bruno? You doing okay?

MIKE: Are you kidding? [Bruno shakes and pants.] Bruno loves the rain, Don’t you Bruno? He’s gonna make such a huge mess back at the apartment, yes you are. Little puddle magnet. Find Mikey, Bruno! Go! Find Mikey!

MW: Bruno don’t strike me as a bloodhound.

MIKE: Well, even if he was, I think that we all have basically the same scent, right? Let’s head toward the river. There’s some parks and stuff there, maybe Mikey’s taking refuge under an awning.

MW: Assuming he’s still in Riga. You don’t think he transported somewhere, do ya?

MIKE: If he did, there’s nothing we can do about it. We don’t have Calculators. And I think that this timeline would probably be the pre-revised state preceding a correction, so nothing we would do would matter anyway. So, I don’t think it makes sense to worry about that.

MW: That’s true. I hope he’s okay. I saw the loom in his eyes, it was scared and wild. He was spooked.

MIKE: Mikey is having a really hard time right now. We’ve changed timelines before, but I don’t think we’ve ever gone through such a massive shift where he remembers everything, like he remembers dying. You haven’t either, have you, MW?

MW: No, but uh, I’m 32 consolidated Mikes so I’ve had my own hard times.

MIKE: Right, so this sort of “ain’t your first rodeo”, but it is for Mikey. And so he heard a loud sound and his fight or flight reflex kicked in. He doesn’t feel safe yet because he remembers Operose so clearly. In fact, how well do you remember it? It’s sort of fuzzy for me.

MW: Hard to say. I definitely remember it, but the warehouse really messes everything up for me. My long term memory is busted. Even the stuff without the time travel component. It’s like my brain can’t figure out what to hold on to and what to let go.

MIKE: That happens to Michael, too. Uh, he keeps a journal, I think that helps a lot.

MW: I keep startin’ a journal and then gettin’ bored and stoppin’. I should really try again. I need to write down all the Flinchite stuff before stuff starts to get murky.

MIKE: What did they do to you in there exactly? The rest of us didn’t have, like, intake exams. They just took us.

MW: Buncha stuff. Long questionnaires, little consolation experiments, they make me watch a couple experiments… I’d rather not remember those. Oh! Uh, do you know what a “Cauliflower Scenario” is, by any chance?

MIKE: I don’t think so but the Flinchites make up their own words for everything.

MW: It was something that Ty said off hand to Felix, like uh, “We’ve already got one Cauliflower Scenario in this timeline, we can’t afford another one,” uh, any idea?

MIKE: Hmm, did it sound like they were talking about us?

MW: Yes sir.

MIKE: Hmm, uh, just taking a stab at it, completely free-associating, uh, Michael has a cauliflower ear! Uh, I do too! From a mission that we went on. The Flinchites got in a shootout with us and August in the parking lot of The Sidewinder. That was the day that we met August. And then August got wrapped up in Eagle’s plan to kill Elder Hunter. Which resulted in Elder Hunter’s body getting transported and kicking off the antagonism between the Hunters and Base… No Flinchites attacking us means Michael never brings us to August, Which means that none of that stuff would have ever happened. So, maybe something like that? Just a runaway set of connections or a looming threat of instability, maybe?

MW: Hmm. Maybe. And he already said there was one in this timeline. Any guesses?

MIKE: Who knows. The example that I gave was so tangential it can be anything. Us working for the Flinchites, the Hunters being seemingly gone, Operose, Edgar finding Anne, anything. Uh, be on the lookout, I guess. I am quite fond of this timeline so far, Flinchites aside. I’d like to enjoy it for long enough to go back to my Edgar and live happily ever after, please. 

MW: How’s your Edgar doin’, by the way?

MIKE: You know how he is. Cheery, always in high spirits, always productive. I tried to get him to stop working so much, but he won’t. I love him to pieces and we are hurtling towards his death so fast that it makes me nauseous. 

MW: I know whatcha mean. I assume the consolidated Edgar that they made is dead. Cause, I mean, if not, where is he?

MIKE: That sounds like a question for this time period’s Base. Have you asked them?

MW: Hell yeah I’ve asked ‘em, they won’t tell me. Which means he’s dead, ain’t he?

MIKE: MW, I truly do not know.

MW: Well, where else could he be if he ain’t dead? Something went wrong and he died during consolation or they killed him cause, ya know, they were afraid of any other Mustardseed or something. [Frustrated breath.] He’s dead. They killed him. I just wish y’all wouldn’t lie to me.

MIKE: MW, I truly do not know, and I’m not lying to you. That’s… not the only explanation.

MW [through gritted teeth]: It’s a pretty damn likely one. 

MIKE: You could be right. I don’t want to argue with you. Let’s focus on finding Mikey and we can talk about this once everyone is inside and safe and dry. Oh! Hey, would you look at that, I missed a message. Uh, “One of Boris’s babushkas spotted a weird American on his own at the Big Christopher Statue. No umbrella. Sopping wet.”

MW: That sounds like our guy.

MIKE: Michael says that he’s going to go retrieve him, which is good because we’ve already got one sopping wet puppy dog. Come on! Let’s go home! We’re going to have to give you a b-a-t-h, Bruno. Come on! Come on, let’s go home.

[Scene transition.]

[Rain continues to fall.]

MICHAEL: Mikey. Mikey!

MIKEY: What?! Michael?

MICHAEL: There ya are. What the hell are ya doing out here, big guy?

MIKEY: [Softly chuckles.] I… I just— I got scared and I ran and then I got embarrassed. How did you find me?

MICHAEL: Boris’s got a network of babushkas all over this here city. Here, you’re soaking wet, take an umbrella.

[An umbrella opens.]

MIKEY: Thanks. I’m sorry, Michael. I was gonna message you and say that I’m okay, I was just hoping that the embarrassment would wear off a little first.

MICHAEL [with his pipe in his mouth]: Well, you got us pretty damn worried, partner, that’s for sure. [Michael lights his pipe.] Wonderin’ around in a city you ain’t familiar with.

MIKEY: Yeah, Riga’s really nice actually. Everyone was extremely friendly. They wanted to practice their English on me as soon as they heard that I had an American accent. That calmed me down a little, gave me something to focus on. 

MICHAEL: Well, I’m glad you stayed in Riga. We was scared you were gonna transport somewhere.

MIKEY: [Dry chuckle.] No, no I can’t. I-I’m scared of the Calculator now, Michael. I’m scared of everything, really. It’s incredibly frustrating, I get upset because I’m scared and then upset because I got upset, and then [Chuckles.] I run of of your apartment and into the rain.

 MICHAEL: I know the feeling, Mikey. It’s gonna be alright. We did it. We won. We got what we wanted. And ain’t no one gonna take that away from us. Not as long as I’m here.

MIKEY: I believe you, but my body doesn’t. I heard a loud noise so I ran, I wasn’t thinking about why I should run, I just ran.

MICHAEL: It might be tough for a little bit, partner, but It’s gonna get easier. You have to do it every day, that’s the hard part. But it gets easier.

MIKEY: That’s a quote from BoJack Hourseman.

MICHAEL: A damn fine one.

MIKEY: Yeah, I guess.

[Pause. Rain continues. Michael smokes his pipe.]

MICHAEL: Mikey, are ya ever gonna tell ‘em? About uh… you know.

MIKEY: …N-No. No, I don’t- I don’t think so. They don’t need to know. Other than that, you’re-you’re right. This timeline is perfect and the only way to fix it would be to revert everything and try again, and I’m just not willing to take that risk. So, there’s no point in telling anyone.

MICHAEL: I understand. I got stuff like that, too. And I ain’t gonna tell you what to do. But sometimes gettin’ things off your chest might be enlightenin’. 

MIKEY: Can I ask you a hard question, too?

MICHAEL: Shoot, partner.

MIKEY: Are you going to kill Emdubya?

MICHAEL: So you noticed, too. 

MIKEY: Yup. That is not the MW that we dropped off at the Compound yesterday. He burned his wrist yesterday morning making bacon on the stovetop for us, and that was hours before he left. It would take days for a burn like that to completely disappear. Hell, look, I’ve got this mark on my hand from accidentally touching the side of an air fryer, and that was like six months ago. That MW has been gone for much longer than they said he would be. So, they did not adhere to linear time.

MICHAEL: See, I didn’t even pick up on that. I just noticed that his memory seemed really distant.

MIKEY: You know what they do to them in there, he’s been held captive and experimented on and iterated until they got him to behave exactly how they want him to. He works for them now. I mean, we all do, but he’s been molded into their little play thing. I know what you did to the Mikeys that showed up to the apartment. Are you going to kill MW?

MICHAEL: …I’ll do what I gotta do to protect us, pilgrim. And if that means killin’ Emdubya, then I’m gonna do it. Ty keeps sayin’ that the Compound ain’t the enemy anymore, but he’s wrong. He’s still the enemy, it’s just things is different now. Edgar signed out lives away to him, so now Ty’s gonna try to weasel his way into Satellite Base just to make sure we’re under his thumb.

MIKEY: Hey now, you were just telling me a second ago how good this timeline is, we won. We’re alive. We have Edgar and Sly. The Base is so much more capable now that the Compound has gifted us some of that technology we were using during the Hunter’s timeline. And Edgar’s already a pro at using it. It’s the biggest leap forward that base has had since we founded the thing. Hell, we’re strong enough to rival other groups now. 

MICHAEL: I’m skeptical, is all. We’re Flinchites now, Mikey. Don’t ya hear it, that’s FLINCH’s technology. The Flinchites gave it to us. So it’s like we’re following in FLINCH’s footsteps. Flinchites. That don’t scare you?

MIKEY: Michael, everything scares me right now, which is why we’re sitting in the rain in front of this big glass box with a weird guy in it.

MICHAEL: We’ll get through it, Mikey. We’re alive, everything else can get figured out later. [Sighs.] I’m glad I found ya, Mikey.

MIKEY: I’m glad you found me too, Michael. What the hell is this thing?

MICHAEL: Why, that’s Big Christopher, of course.

MIKEY: Of course, Big Christopher, the thing that I know about…

MICHAEL: You really oughta go out and see Riga sometime. I think you’d like it. Big Christopher is a giant and he’s the founder of Riga. And he got famous for helping a child across a river and then uh, it turns out the kid’s Jesus, I think. It’s a little bit confusin’ but he’s a… a weird big guy. So uh, I gotta appreciate him. He’s said to protect Riga from floods so, it’s kinda fittin’ that you found him during a storm.

MIKEY: Well, thank you Big Christopher for helping me weather the storm. 

MICHAEL: Yup. Thanks Big Christopher. Say uh, Mikey, you said earlier that you’re scared of your Calculator. Do you uh, do you want me to hold on to that, ‘till it’s time for you to go home?

MIKEY: That wasn’t very smooth, Michael. What are you planning to do?

MICHAEL: Don’t make me say it, partner.

MIKEY: Alright, fine. You’re-You’re right, I don’t want to hold on to it but… you’ve better be careful, Michael.

MICHAEL: Always am, partner.

MIKEY [unconvinced]: Uh-huh.

MICHAEL: C’mon, let’s get you out of the rain, champ. Emdubya and Mike are worried sick aboutcha.

MIKEY: Yeah, let’s head back. I’m starting to get cold. You know, Riga’s really pretty, like, even in the rain. I saw this weird building and there was a cat statue on top of it, do you know what’s up with that?

MICHAEL [conversation slowly fades out]: Yeah uh, way, way back in like the thirteenth century or somethin’ the guy who owned that building got really pissy about the city guild across the street and so he built this cat on top…

[Scene transition.]

MIKE: Okay then! Uh, me, Mikey, and Bruno will be back in about an hour. Uh, you want us to pick up something on the way back? Lunch? 

MICHAEL: Yeah, sure. Uh, Lielais Kristaps Burger, sound good to everyone?

MIKE: Sounds good to me. MW?

MW: Yeah. I could go for a burger.

MIKE: Great. Uh, me and Mikey’ll see you guys in a little bit.

[Door opens.]

MIKE: C’mon, let’s go, Bruno.

[Door closes.]

MW: [Sighs.] What a weekend this has been, right?  [Chuckles.] I mean, alls well that ends well, huh?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

MW: Listen to that. Nice and quiet around here for just a second. This is gonna take some time to adjust after Mikey and Mike go back home. Just you and me, no one sleeping on our dang couch every night.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I’m sorta lookin’ forward to it. I could use some rest and some peace and quiet about now. Hey, uh, Emdubya. You wanna do me a big favor? There’s this squeaky toy that’s been stuck behind the fridge ever since Bruno’s birthday party and I just, ya know, never remembered to get it out for him. Can ya help me move the fridge? It’ll be a surprise for when Bruno gets back.

MW: Uh, yeah, sure I can help you, Michael.But uh, it’s gonna ruin our peace and quiet a little sooner than I’d hoped.

MICHAEL: Yeah, it’s a loud toy all right. But we are sendin’ it home to Borris so it’s-it’s his problem now. 

MW: Yeah, I guess one of the benefits of only bein’ to dog sitter.

MICHAEL: Yup. Now, you go ahead and grab that corner of the fridge. You got it, partner?

MW: I got it. You gonna count us down?

MICHAEL: Yup. On three. [Hesitation.] O-One. Two. 

[Sound of a knife stabbing into flesh. MW grunts in pain.]

MW [grunting]: W-What. M-Michael [Cries out in pain.]

MICHAEL: Sorry, pilgrim. You ain’t our Emdubya. [MW gurgles.] You’re a Flinchite. 

MW [strained]: You stab- You stabbed me… [Groans.]

MICHAEL: I’m real sorry, but ya can’t spy on us. I’m just protectin’ my own.

MW [weakly]: You took my Edgar from me. [Gasps and breathes heavily.] What did you do with him?

MICHAEL: What are you takin’ about?

MW: My Edgar. You consolidated him. Where is he?

MICHAEL: That’s what this is about? That’s why you flipped on us?

MW: E-E-Edgar. [Groans.]

MICHAEL: You’re gonna die not knowin’, pilgrim.

MW [whispering softly]: Please, Michael. [Softly exhales.]

MICHAEL: Goodbye, Emdubya. [Breathes.] All right. All clear, you can come out now.

MW: All right, I’m comin’ out— whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, man! Uh, f— I’m— h-he’s still in the middle of the kitchen floor. I don’t want to see that, Michael.

MICHAEL: That ain’t you, Emdubya. That’s an iteration that went to the Flinchite Compound. You’re an iteration that I brought here instead. You’re different. But I killed him, and I’ll kill you too, if’n you betray us like he did. He said this was about his Edgar. How ‘bout you, Emdubya? Would you sell us out for your Edgar?

MW: No… sir. They m-musta put that in his head while they had him in the Compound. And like you said, last thing I knew I was supposed to leave for the Compound and then I was here. How’d you do that, by the way, since they have our Calculators?

MICHAEL: Mikey let me borrow his.

MW: Did he know what you were gonna do with it?

MICHAEL: He had his suspicions. He said he noticed a burn on Emdubya’s wrist was healed up when it shouldn’t’ve been.

MW: Oh, uh, y-you mean this’n.

MICHAEL: That’s the one. This here iteration on the floor ain’t got one.

MW: Yeah, if he don’t got one then he was in there a couple weeks at least. Uh, mine still hurts a little.

MICHAEL: Well, I’m glad to have the real Emdubya back, scars and all. You uh, wanna help out here? I actually do wanna move the fridge, there really is a squeaky toy back there.

MW: Um, y-yeah. Y-Yes, sir.

MICHAEL: All right, pilgrim. First, transportin’ the spy in three, two, one. [Time travel noise.] All right, and now the fridge. Grab that corner.

MW: Yup. Ready.

MICHAEL: All right. One, two, three.

[Both grunt as they push the fridge.]

MICHAEL [strained] : Yup, see. Set it down.

MW [strained]: Okay.

MICHAEL: Check it out. A little dusty but no worse for wear.

[Dog toy squeaks.]

MW: Bruno’s gonna love it.

[Closing theme plays.]

[I Don’t Want To Die (With a Song Still Inside) plays.]

You can find me at the bottom of the barrel
You can find me in the dog ear of a page
You can find me close to quitting
And I will happily admit it
You can find me in the digits of my age

You can find me where the oak has turned to dead wood
You can find me where the salt gets in your throat
You can find me staring fondly
At a world that doesn’t want me
You can find me in the hymns I never wrote

You can find me where the footing is uneven
You can find me where the soil has been dug up
You can find me cruelly chiding
The song that is inside me
You can find me where my heart is not enough

You can find me in the timbre of the evenings
You can find me in the dredgs left in the cup
You can find me at the summit
Though I never really loved it
You can find me where the days are getting rough

You can find me on the road without direction
You can find me in the middle of a map
You can find me defending
A definitive ending
You can find me submitting to the trap
That holds me steadfast where I’m at.

[END Episode 121.]