Episode 120: True Story

SUMMARY

Everything.

[WARNING: this episode contains depictions of gun violence as well as visceral deaths. Listener discretion is advised]

CREDITS:

David Ault as Ty Betteridge

Taylor Michaels as Chance

William A. Wellman as Shadow

Marissa Ng as Michelle Kan

Harlan Guthrie as Sylvester August Baxter

Jeremy Enfinger as Edgar

Lucille Valentine as Anne

Rae Lundberg as Jamilla Gardener

Jamie Petronis as Matt

Steve Anzalone as Eagle

Gary Furlong as Hunter Jeremiah Hartley

TRANSCRIPT

W.BG Episode 120 Download

Original transcript edited by Tony and Orion

[BEGIN Episode 120.]

INTRO: Hey guys. Welcome to the season 10 finale of WOE.BEGONE. This has been a sort of wild arc and I’m really excited to wrap it up. I will be taking a short break so next there will be an intermission, and then the week after that, we’ll get right into season 11. But for now, quick plugs. I’m streaming over on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod, where every Sunday I write that week’s episode soundtrack and then we play a video game. I am currently, I think, about halfway through the main story of Celeste, so if you’d like to come see me bash my head against the wall and hang out with chat, that is twitch.tv/woebegonepod.

And if you’d like to support me on Patreon, you can go to Patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&As, director’s commentary, Movies with Michael, Meditations with Michael, postcards, and more. I just finished up the design for the July postcards and am excited to put them together and send them out. Each postcard comes with a unique, handwritten message from one of the characters and you can share your postcard in the Discord, and the unique messages put together a larger slice-of-life story. So, check that out if you want something personal from the podcast. That’s Patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest Patreons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: this episode contains depictions of gun violence as well as visceral deaths. Listener discretion is advised.]

SLY [pretending to be Bax]: Eagle! Good to see ya! You ready for the mission, partner?

EAGLE: Sure am, Bax. You got your killin’ eye in?

SLY: Yeah, check it out. Red as ever. Ready to get down to business. Polished it up nice for ya today.

EAGLE: Lookin’ good! Remind me, who picked that out for ya.

SLY: You did, of course. Guess it’s your way of payin’ me back, since I lost that eye protectin’ you in Rugby.

EAGLE [suspiciously]: Protecting me?

SLY: What, you think that you would have made it out of there alive if you were all on your lonesome? [Laughs.] Don’t get cocky, Eagle. Hey, you want anything before we head out? Tea? Coffee?

EAGLE: I’m fine… Hey there, August.

AUGUST: Hey! Hey, Eagle. How’s it going?

EAGLE: I’m doing alright. How’s the ranch?

AUGUST: Can’t complain. Still livin’ off those barbeque leftovers.

EAGLE: Good stuff. Say, has Bax ever told you the story of how he lost that eye?

AUGUST: Told me? It’s a good evening if if he don’t tell me. The fabled story of the Rugby mission where Bax valiantly lost his eye protectin’ his pal Eagle. ‘The Legend of the Baxter Eye’.

EAGLE: Ah, you cowboys. Spinnin’ yarns all the time.

SLY: How about you spin me a yarn today, Eagle. Who are we killin’ exactly? I didn’t get a mission brief this time. I know Satellite Base don’t always get all the details, but I’d like to know who we’re going into battle against. Ya know? In case I need to protect you again.

EAGLE: That’s not your job, soldier. We kill whoever H says to kill and we don’t ask questions. H didn’t say why we’re going on a mission today, he just gave us a place and time. He has his reasons. It’s our job to trust the plan.

SLY: That’s fine! I was just wonderin’ is all. I don’t take kindly to this whole “need to know” stuff, but I can stomach it for you.

EAGLE: Yeah, it’s nothing fancy. Scenario 1 type stuff. I wouldn’t have a problem doing it by myself, but I wanted some company this time. And the Field Team doesn’t like me very much, as you probably already know.

SLY: Nonsense. They’re just afraid of ya, big guy. They don’t know you’re a cuddly little teddy bear.

EAGLE: You’re right. They are scared of me. That’s pretty good, I reckon. I can live with being feared. Hey, wanna step outside for a second? We need to uh, go over some preliminary stuff for the mission. August here isn’t authorized for mission information.

SLY: Huh…? Yeah, sure. I’ll be back in a minute.

AUGUST: Don’t hurt him too bad, Eagle!

EAGLE [jokingly]: No promises!

[August chuckles.]

[The door opens and closes.]

EAGLE: So, Bax, what was that story you were telling me about Rugby?

SLY: Huh? Whaddaya mean? You mean the Legend of the Baxter Eye? I wasn’t tellin’ ya nothin’. You know how I lost my eye, you were there.

EAGLE [laughing]: That’s what you think happened?

SLY: What do you mean? Is that what I ‘think’ happened at Rugby? Did you lose your memory or something? Are you okay? Partner? Eagle, you was–

[Eagle stabs Sly repeatedly. Sly grunts in pain.]

EAGLE: Gotcha! That’s funny. Bax really told you that? What a hero. [Eagle laughs, Sly gasps and gurgles in pain.] I should have known you weren’t him. Bax wouldn’t have let me stand on his right side like that, where he couldn’t see me. You didn’t even see me get the knife out, did ya? Wow, you really cut your own eye out for this little stunt! That’s dedication to the craft. Well, A for effort, at least. …And down ya go.

SLY [gasping]: Eagle… no… I didn’t… w-what do you think… it’s me… Bax…

EAGLE: Oh, cut the shit. It’s over, Sly. You should have known better than to think that you could be him.

SLY [repeating]: Please… just don’t hurt Big Bear…

EAGLE: [Laughs.] Ha! Big Bear!? There are more Mikes to take out? Buddy, you have got to get better at dying. You wanna hear a bedtime story while you go to sleep? This one’s a true story, unlike the shit you’ve been tellin’ me since I got here. H and I rented out space in the Flinchite Compound. I practiced dying there. We’d make an iteration of me, kill the iteration, and then I’d consolidate with the dead Eagle in order to understand what dying was like. I learned about human anatomy along the way. Five times a week for two years makes… hmm, about 500 dead Eagles, give or take. I learned a lot about myself, about death and how to manage it. It’s not that hard, it just takes some practice. If you want to make it in this world, you can’t start crying about your secretly-revived boyfriend to your killer. Fuckin amateur hour. See, Bax woulda never done something like that. Bax is dead, right? I guess the old man finally slipped up.

SLY: Please… please…

EAGLE: No, you please, Sly. Go on now. Get out of here already. It’s over and sticking around gasping while I’ve got a knife in your chest isn’t worth sticking around for. I’d make you pay extra for killing Bax, but I’m on a tight schedule.

EAGLE: And don’t think I don’t see you there, August. [August cocks a shotgun.] You gonna shoot me with that thing or just point it at me?

AUGUST: You killed Bax?!? Why would you do that!?

EAGLE: Get with the program, August. This here is Sly. He really didn’t fill you in, huh? How interesting. And the iteration of Sly that isn’t pretending to be Bax isn’t at the ranch. He’s probably off saving his Big Bear. We’re going to need to put a stop to that. [Impatient] Are you going to shoot me or not, August?

AUGUST: Who’s ‘Big Bear?’ Why are you doing this?

EAGLE: Sly’s getting you all killed for his alternate timeline boyfriend. They didn’t even have the decency to tell you.

AUGUST: And now what? You’re going to kill me?

EAGLE: No. You’re going to kill me. I don’t have a gun. Don’t like ‘em very much. No big deal. There’s plenty of Eagles to go around. A flock of Eagles is much more lethal than one Eagle with a gun. You’d gun me down before I got close enough with my knife, so I’m saving us the indignity. I’m in check. Take the king, August.

AUGUST: You… you want me to kill you?

EAGLE: Nope. But I know when my number is called.

AUGUST: And what if I don’t kill you?

EAGLE: Then I’ll kill you. God dammit August. This isn’t difficult. Don’t make–

[August fires the shotgun. EAGLE gasps and gurgles.]

HUNTER: [Sighs.] You and your frickin’ knives, Eagle.

[Pistol shot rings out.]

HUNTER: Making a mess for ol’ H to clean up. This is fun for you fellas?

EAGLE2: Pretty fun, yeah.

EAGLE3: I mean, dying isn’t fun, but it’s part of it.

HUNTER: That’s the part that you two knuckleheads are going to clean up. I need to have a word with your other iteration real quick, before he heads out. Get these two out of my way.

EAGLE3: Aye aye, boss.

EAGLE3: I think we just got a promotion, E2.

EAGLE2: I’m just Eagle now, E3. Or I guess you’re E2 now?

EAGLE3: Right.

HUNTER: Hey there, old friend. How are you feeling?

EAGLE [extremely weak]: Could be better.

HUNTER: Did he say anything important before you killed him?

EAGLE: He killed Bax. Mike is still out there. Jamilla. Edgar. It has to be them.

HUNTER: Good job, bud. The hunt is back on for Mike Walters, I guess.

EAGLE: Help me out here?

HUNTER: Sure thing, pal. See ya, Eagle.

EAGLE: So long, H.

[Gunshot.]

[Opening theme plays.]

TY: Edgar! Right on time, as usual, I see.

EDGAR: Hello, Ty. I think we both know why I’m here. This is The Conversation, isn’t it? The big one?

TY: I believe so. It’s all up to you, of course, but I have a fairly good idea of what you’re about to say. I’m excited, to be honest.

EDGAR: Mike Walters is alive.

TY: There it is! Oh! This is The Conversation indeed. So, let’s jump right in to the important questions, shall we? There’s no use in nervous chitchat, it’s not like this is a first date. Let’s begin with you telling me what you need and then we can discuss how you can help us help you.

EDGAR: Ryan and CANNONBALL are working at Base. We call them the “I.T. Department.” They are helping H keep this timeline under his control. They are running WOE.BEGONE from Base and cooperating with H to ensure that Mikey stays dead. I used their technology to retrieve our memories from a timeline where Mikey was still alive. The Field Team has a plan to take Base back, but we don’t have the tools necessary to do it ourselves. We think that Anne is involved through WOE.BEGONE. We think that she gave Ryan and CANNONBALL some important technology to sustain this timeline. Mikey stole a computer from H and we found Anne’s file. We know the name of the organization she has been working at.

TY: And that organization is…?

EDGAR: Operose International.

TY: And had you ever heard of Operose International before you read her file?

EDGAR: No, I hadn’t.

TY: Hmm! I’m not surprised. You might think that O.V.E.R. and my compound are secretive, but Operose International puts us to shame. It’s a wonder that Ryan and CANNONBALL have so much as heard of them. I’m sure that Flinch was a great help in that regard. So, you know that Anne is at O.I. You’ve come to me, hoping that I can tell you where O.I. is today– or on whatever day you need to find Anne. Presumably before she sends something to Ryan and CANNONBALL.

EDGAR: H’s file had locations for O.I., but they were only current up to the point that Mikey stole the file. We don’t know where they went after that.

TY: Hmm, I wouldn’t trust those coordinates without knowing their point of origin, anyway. They move around too much. What a logistical nightmare. That’s why the compound rarely moves. O.I. packs up and transports their entire compound every single day, without fail, even on Christmas, even on Michaelmas, even on International Toilet Day. Sure, they’ve got the technology to happen, but that’s still thousands upon thousands of objects and people to monitor. And if you’re moving an entire facility, you have to do the extra work of not making it obvious to everyone on Earth that you are moving it. And that’s not even considering how they retroactively move things around as well! That’s such a headache. [Sighs.] But I can’t say that it doesn’t work. It is clearly working as intended, since you don’t know how to find them.

EDGAR: It’s frustrating. We can’t even figure out how to look for them. We might not even be heading in the right direction. We’re not even positive that Anne is the key to all of this. If she’s not, then all we’re doing is wasting time.

TY: Ah. Funny thing, that. I have a Ryan and CANNONBALL of my own, actually. I pulled them out of storage after one of your Field Team members said something about them. Did Chris tell you that he came to me to get consolidated?

EDGAR: He just told us while we were planning the mission.

TY: Better late than never. Ryan and CANNONBALL had some interesting things to say about how they think this timeline ended up this way. I think that you are right on the money with your Anne hypothesis, turns out she was doing some heavy lifting for WOE.BEGONE. She’s a very resourceful woman. It’s a wonder that she was able to smuggle secrets out of O.I. and not get completely eradicated through all of time and space.

EDGAR: If anyone could do it, it would be Anne. Do you think that if we found her we could correct everything?

TY: Are you going to kill her? Oh, don’t look at me like that. Come on, but things would go more smoothly if you did.

EDGAR: We’re not killing Anne. Mikey would kill me. Marissa would kill me a second time. I promised everyone that we wouldn’t kill her. That’s non-negotiable.

TY: I can understand that. You shouldn’t write checks with our mouth that your body can’t cash. And I’m sure Mike’s been doing a heck of a lot of cashing of some checks recently. You should be honest with yourself and your team about what you might have to do. [Pause.] Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’m not going to bullshit you, Edgar. We’ve got a whole council of other Annes. It’s not like you would be wiping her out of existence.

EDGAR: We’re not going to kill Anne.

TY: Hmm, suit yourself, though I would feel much more secure in your plans if you did. [Sighing.] Okay so, you’re going to politely ask Anne not to help Ryan and CANNONBALL. Is that the whole plan?

EDGAR: We also want to find Innocent Hunter. He’s on our side and he’s being erased.

TY: Interesting. I haven’t noticed. That one will be much easier. The Hunters aren’t nearly as good at that sort of thing as we are. So, no Hunters and no O.I. tech. No one’s around to kill Mikey and no one that wants to kill him has the means to do it. It’s worth a shot.

EDGAR: You can do it?

TY: I’ll put Tracing on figuring out where they were ASAP. And if it works, then the results should arrive through that little window there right about…

[We hear the sliding of papers.]

TY: …Now. Isn’t time travel wonderful? Yes! You’re in luck. Let’s see here… yep! [Ty guffaws.] Our absolutely excellent tracing team has a lock on O.I., you are a beauty, Peachpuff. As long as you act quickly, you should be able to pay Anne a visit. You’re going to need to do more than talk to her, though. The Hunter stuff was childsplay. But uh, you’re good to go. I shouldn’t be surprised. O.I. is good but the one thing that we have that they don’t is Tracing capability. It’s our claim to fame. Well, not “claim to fame.” It’s highly classified. No one can ever know about it. But we’re the best in the world at tracking down time travelers.

EDGAR: So… [Deep inhale, long sigh.] What am I giving you in return?

TY: Everything. Sorry to be a shrewd negotiator here, but I hold all of the cards. You are going to give us everything that we want. Oh, don’t worry! It’s still loveable old Ty Betteridge making the requests, but also I expect total cooperation with no resistance. Access to you and Mikey, and the rest of Base if we want it. I’m not going to make you go back and correct all of the times you broke in here and crashed your motorcycles into stuff and blew me up with a shotgun. All of that is in the past and the worst has been mitigated. But you are ours throughout all of time and space.

EDGAR: Is it worth it? To have Mikey Bear back?

TY: That doesn’t seem like something that you should ask someone who is negotiating against you but yes, I think so. I certainly prefer a timeline with you and Mikey at the head of Base. It’s easier to understand what motivates you. Plus, it keeps me in a job. Eagle and H rent out parts of our facility now and again for some rudimentary experiments and we collect that data, but it isn’t nearly as sophisticated or reliable as what we get from you. I say yes, it’s worth it. I know it’s worth it for me, but I also think that it’s a good deal for you. Besides, [Pause] you don’t have very long to live, do you, Edgar?

EDGAR: I have less than eight years left.

TY: You should spend that time with Mikey. Life is too short. Even a time traveler’s life! Maybe even especially a time traveler’s life. You can’t live the life that you deserve in this timeline.

EDGAR: I… agree… I’ll do it. I agree to your terms. From now on, no resistance. Base does what the compound says.

TY: Think of it… as a partnership. It’s not, mind you, but we will see to it that you and all your little time duplicates are treated with as much care and respect as we can afford. And you can curl up in bed next to your little Mikey Bear every night. How does that sound?

EDGAR: It sounds acceptable. I’ll do it, Ty.

TY: See? You’re already so much easier to work with than Hunter’s Base. These are for you.

[Ty slides papers to Edgar.]

TY: You’ll need to do this mission today, of course. If you wait, O.I. will have moved again and it might be harder to find them next time. Anne will be at these coordinates. Tracing has taken the liberty of digging Ryan out of storage and figuring out what day corresponds to the event that you want to intervene in and what that event looks like. Edgar, be extremely careful inside of O.I. They make Tier Three of O.V.E.R. look like a day at the beach. These coordinates will take you exactly where you need to go. Do not go anywhere else. Tracing has mocked up a very informative brief for you to read, and I expect you to read it, so that you don’t get lost in time or caught by O.I. Oh, and… you’ll need this.

[Ty hands Edgar an object.]

EDGAR: This is a… boulder key…? I thought that the compound couldn’t operate the boulders.

TY: That’s for O.I.’s set of boulders. We know a little bit more about them. In fact, that’s how we knew about O.V.E.R.’s set of boulders in the first place. You’ll read in the brief that Anne has a key on the day you want to travel to. Have Anne replace her key for this one. This is what you are going to do in addition to asking her nicely. This is how you are going to avoid killing her. You’re going to need some help. That key will send a message to the compound and we can get things sorted on our end.

EDGAR: Alright, we can do that. What about Innocent Hunter?

TY: They’ve got him in a containment room like the ones we use here. He’s… likely not the same “Innocent” Hunter that you knew anymore. He’s been stuffed in that container for more than 20 years at this point.

EDGAR: Elder Hunter…

TY: Oh… is this the start of your little row with the Hunters? [Laughs.] That’s exciting. I do hope things go differently this time for you. Oh… actually… if you transport that Hunter to me, we might be able to help out there as well. We don’t want him falling into the wrong hands and starting things all over again, do we? We can store him for you.

EDGAR: Okay. We’ll send him to you when we find him.

TY: Excellent. And once both the message and Hunter enter my possession, we can set you back in your timeline. Not your actual timeline with nothing changed, but you know what I mean. A timeline where you and Mikey are in charge of Base and Hunter isn’t a problem for you. An even better timeline. And even Better-IDGE TY-meline. [Laughs.]

EDGAR: Right. We can do that. I should go. Thank you, Ty.

TY: The pleasure is all mine, Edgar. Do say hi to the Base for me.

EDGAR: I can do that. Take care, Ty.

TY: You too, Edgar. Toodle-pip!

[Time travel noise.]

[Scene transition.]

MARISSA: Ryan. Come in Ryan. The Eagle has landed. Fuck, can we still say Eagle? The Eagle has landed… the good kind of eagle, not the fucking— you know what the fuck I mean.

SHADOW [through a radio]: I’m here, Marissa. Where are you?

MARISSA: We’re on some sort of outdoor path, I guess. It’s kinda like O.V.E.R. actually. Big compound with a bunch of buildings. Real chic.

SHADOW: Can you see Anne?

MARISSA: Not yet. Looks like we might have to do some Anne-vestigating, right guys.

CHANCE: She should be nearby. Edgar told us to wait here and not to go lookin’ for her.

MIKEY: Fuck, there she is! Pssst! Pssst! Hey, Anne!

ANNE: Hm? Who’s that? Hands where I can see them! Now.

MARISSA: Oh well, speak of the devil.

MIKEY: Whoa, whoa. No need for the big guns, Anne, It’s me! It’s Mikey.

ANNE: Mikey? You… can’t be here. Physically, I-I mean. You can’t be here. That’s impossible. How did you get in here?

MIKEY: A… lot has happened. You cannot send WOE.BEGONE whatever you are about to send them tonight.

ANNE: I have to send it to them or the gamerunners will come kill me. You played WOE.BEGONE, you know how this works. W-Wait, how are you alive? They told me that you were dead. Is this them sending me my fourth challenge?

MARISSA: Nope. We’re intercepting those idiots. Look, I could draw you an elaborate timeline diagram except I don’t have any paper or pens and… there’s no time! There’s no time. Also I don’t know how to draw. Edgar can get you one later. C’mon, we gotta go.

CHANCE: Do you have a key that you were about to use at the boulders?

ANNE: I do. How did you know that?

MARISSA: That key that you have? Ditch it. We need you to use this one instead. Mikey?

MIKEY: Yeah, I’ve got it right here. This prevents the gamerunners from letting H take over the timeline. Whatever you’re about to send them gives them a shitload of power and ruins everything for all of us.

ANNE: Who the hell is H?

MIKEY: Hunter Jeremiah Hartley.

ANNE: I don’t know who that is. Is that a gamerunner?

CHANCE: No, he runs our Base. Baserunner i guess?

MIKEY: The game runners are taking orders from him right now.

ANNE: Why is that a problem?

MIKEY: Because he keeps trying to kill me.

ANNE: And what does this boulder key do?

CHANCE: We have not been told.

MIKEY: It was given to us to try to fix this.

ANNE: I’m supposed to trust you and insert this very dangerous key into a very dangerous boulder. No offense, but Mikey is the only one of you I recognize. You’re all strangers to me.

MIKEY: Yes, Anne, you’re supposed to trust me. Uh, f-fuck them, trust me. I’ll-I’ll do the puppy-dog eyes and everything. Please help us, Anne.

ANNE: Well, I did go through all of the trouble of bringing you back to life once already [Groans.] But… [Whispering.] I am leading you into an ambush. They beat you here! They’re waiting for you at the boulders. Act natural.

CHANCE [whispering]: H and Eagle?

MARISSA: Those fuckers.

ANNE [acting, regular volume]: Sure, Mikey. I’ll take you right there. We can plug the key into the boulders together. But you have to stay close to me. I don’t know where you’d get sent if the O.I. security system detected you.

MIKEY: I hope you know what you’re doing, Anne.

SHADOW: I don’t like the smell of this. Do you want me to extract you?

CHANCE: I don’t think we can back-out, babe. We’re all dead if you extract us.

SHADOW: Be careful, Chris.

CHANCE: [Exhales.] I love you, Ryan.

ANNE: Right this way. Follow directly behind me.

MARISSA: Yo, tell me that you’ve got an actual plan.

ANNE: Not a very good one.

[We hear them walking.]

ANNE: Keep your feet inside the path. Do not touch the grass. Not even a toe. Understand?

[Chance breathes heavily.]

MARISSA: Uh, sure. Don’t touch the grass, got it.

MIKEY: Hey, uh, Chan— Chris, are you doing okay over there, buddy?

SHADOW: It’s going to be okay, Chris. You can do this. I love you. Don’t say it back. Stay quiet. Stay on the path. I love you.

MIKEY [whispering]: There are the boulders, dead ahead. Fuck. H and Eagle. Fuck.

EAGLE: Well well well! We were expecting you. Thank you for helping us out, Anne. Nobody moves or my pal H here will shoot, yadda yadda yadda. You’ve all been hostages before. You know the routine. We don’t have to engage in melodrama about it.

H: Anne, if you would be so kind as to hand over that key there, we can finish up here and get you your reward.

MIKEY: What– Anne, what reward?

MARISSA: [Laughs unhumorously.] Anne, they’re going to kill us.

H: Yes, yes. We’re going to kill them. Two strangers and one fella you needed to kill for your fourth challenge anyway. Big whoop. In return, you get basically limitless power. We all do.

EAGLE: And if you don’t hand it over… well, we’re already killing 3 people tonight. What’s a fourth corpse between friends? We can figure it out from there.

ANNE: I have both keys. And I know which one is which, but I’m betting you don’t.

EAGLE: Wanna test that theory?

ANNE: I mean, you could kill me, but then you’d be taking a 50-50 chance on whether or not you accidentally give Mikey And Pals what they want. I’m assuming that wouldn’t turn out well for you.

MARISSA: Mm-hmm, if you’d like a demonstration I’d be happy to provide one.

ANNE: Those aren’t very good odds, so if I were y—

[Gunshot rings out, Mikey grunts in extreme pain.]

H: We are not playing stupid fuckin’ games tonight, Anne.

SHADOW: Mikey!? Are you hit!?

MARISSA: Okay hotshot, you stay right where you fucking are.

ANNE: Stop! Don’t shoot towards them! If you hit the boulders, you might break the circuitry.

[Mikey breathes frantically.]

SHADOW: What’s going on?

CHANCE: He’s hurt really bad, Ryan.

EAGLE: This isn’t a difficult decision Anne. You’re smart. Do the right thing.

H: Mikey here gets thousands of people killed in the timeline he wants to return everyone to. You’d be a hero if you stopped him. Don’t let him deceive ya, now.

MIKEY [weakly]: No, Chris, don’t.

[Chance breathes heavily while running.]

MIKEY: Ryan, he’s charging on her, tell him to stop.

[Gunshot.]

SHADOW: CHRIS!

MARISSA: The key, Anne! Go!

[Chance cries out, then begins punching H. Both cry out as they fight.]

H [Strained]: Get off me, you ungrateful lowlife.

[Chance and H continue to fight.]

[Mikey hyperventilates.]

EAGLE: Hey, Mikey. Funny seeing you like this again. I’ll just finish up here. Look at all those people you just got killed. And they say I’m a killer. Guess we’ll have to add them to your record.

[Gunshot.]

EAGLE: There goes Chris. H’ll get Marissa and Anne next. I hope you’re happy.

SHADOW [distraught]: CHRIS!? CHRIS!? ARE YOU HIT!? ANSWER ME! CHRIS!?

EAGLE: Gimme that earpiece. Hey, Ryan. Chris is dead, Ryan. You’re next. Bye bye! Alright, Mikey. Let’s make sure you can’t hurt anyone ever again.

[Eagle’s knife tears into flesh. Mikey gurgles and dies.]

EAGLE: That wasn’t so hard, was it? There we go. Two down, two to go.

[Gunshot.]

ANNE: [Coughs in pain.] Ow!

[Gunshot.]

[H cries out in pain.]

MARISSA: Don’t say I didn’t fucking worn you, asshole.

[Anne and H both cry out in pain.]

ANNE: Fuck. Fuck. [Ragged breathing.] Don’t… shoot towards the boulders, Marissa!

MARISSA: Oh, thanks! I keep that in mind if I ever decide to miss. He shot you, dipshit! The key, Anne, go.

EAGLE: She’s not going to put your key in. Tsk tsk tsk. All of this unnecessary suffering. I thought you were better than that, Marissa.

MARISSA: Ugh, I’m so wounded. What cutting last words. Fuck you, Eagle.

EAGLE: Eh, I’ve had worse. Anne, if you shoot Marissa for me, you can run Base. Another feather in your hat. If not, that’s fine, too. We can correct everything after you put the key in.

[Gunshot. Eagle groans.]

MARISSA: See you never, dipshit. [Strange tech sound.] Uhh…!?!?!

ANNE [weakly]: He fell in the grass. O.I. has him now.

MARISSA: His ass is grass. [Chuckles.] Is that bad?

ANNE: I don’t fucking know. Probably. It definitely is for him.

MARISSA: Anne. It’s just us. What are you going to do? What would the council of Annes say?

ANNE: The Annes would say to put their key in. It’s too good of an offer to pass up.

MARISSA: Oh! Well maybe don’t fucking do that. Fuck the council. C’mon, the key. Before you bleed to death.

ANNE: I’m… going to put in their key. I’m sorry. I can figure out how to help you, once I get the reward from them. I know about them now. And since I know, I can help you. I have leverage now. You have to understand, this-this isn’t easy for me. Mike’s my friend, but what’s at stake here is more than any of us can comprehend. I’m not going to let–

[Gunshot.]

MARISSA [upset]: Fuck fuck fuck me oh fucking fuck fucking [Deep breath.] Oh okay okay okay. This is… Ryan? Oh Jesus Christ, Ryan? Ryan, please tell me you’re still fucking there. I just fucking killed Anne. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Uh, the k- the k- the keys! The fucking keys, oh shit. Uh Ryan, I’ve got the keys. I’ve got the- I’ve got both the keys. I don’t know which one’s fucking which though because they both look exactly the same. Ryan, what the fuck do I do. Everyone else is fucking dead.

SHADOW [upset]: I don’t know. I don’t know, Marissa! Pick one. Pick a key.

MARISSA: You fuck— Ryan, left or right?

SHADOW: What?

MARISSA: Oh Jesus Christ, it’s a simple fucking question, Ryan. I’ve got a key in each hand. Left or right. Pick one.

SHADOW: [Pause.] Left.

MARISSA: Okay, right it is! If this doesn’t work, well, I’ll see you fuckers in Hell.

[Marissa grunts and cries out while being intensely shocked.]

[Time travel noise.]

[Everyone groans and mumbles to each other.]

CHANCE [groaning]: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

AUGUST: We… did it? We did it! EDGAR! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WHOOPEE! YAHOO! WE DID IT!

EDGAR [crushed by a hug]: We sure did, August. [AUGUST: Hell yeah!] You can put me down now.

MARISSA: It worked! It fucking worked! Oh, it fucking worked, it fucking worked. Fuck, fuck!

MIKEY: Oh… I died. Fuck. I r-remember dying. Ugh.

MICHAEL: ‘Oughta get used to it, pilgrim.

CHANCE: Yeah. I died, too, Mikey. I…remember thinking that we failed. [Gets choked up.] That all of this was for nothing. That I was going to leave Ryan alone.

SHADOW [emotionally]: You’re going to be okay, Chris. You’re going to be okay, Chris.

CHANCE: It was so close. It w- it wasn’t even close. It happened.

MARISSA: Yeah, well, [Sighs.] you boys are lucky that I was there to save your stupid fucking asses. Hey, do me a favor, make my trophy, like, really, really big.

CHANCE: Marissa to the rescue!

MARISSA: Heh-heh! That’s right, it’s me ya boi. And you’re lucky I didn’t listen to your partner here. Hey Ryan, left or right?

SHADOW: I didn’t know, Marissa.

MARISSA: I’m just fucking teasing you, man.

MIKEY: Yeah, thanks, Marissa. You saved the whole fuckin’ timeline. How did team H do?

MARISSA: Yeah, um, do the Hunters exist? Are they still around?

JAMILLA: I’ve got too many memories. I can’t tell. Edgar did something shady at the Compound. What was all of this? What deal did you make? You came back with all of these directions. We followed them and we got our timeline back. They basically orchestrated this. That’s why you were so sure this plan would work. We didn’t have a coherent plan, then you went to the Compound and everything fell into place. The whole plan was…

MICHAEL: Cockamamie is what it was, Jamilla.

JAMILLA: Exactly. Cockamamie.

MW: Dang cockamamie Edgar.

JAMILLA: Who even says ‘cockamamie’. Uh, I guess I do, now.

MIKEY: Edgar can explain himself when he’s good and ready. I’m sure that there is a mission debrief to be had.

MICHAEL: Yeah, and you’ll be back in your time ‘fore you gotta read all that, won’tcha, Mike?

MIKE: Yup. Cuddled up against my panther, not reading a goddamn thing. Ever again.

MW: I’ll call ya up and read it to ya, Mike. Least I can do.

MARISSA: Well, I uh, don’t think I remember Hunter at O.V.E.R. this time. Oh! I could get that promotion he stole off me.

MICHAEL: Don’t get too busy at O.V.E.R. You still ain’t visited us in Latvia.

CHANCE: What’s your plan, Mike? You headin’ back to your timeline?

MIKE: I’m gonna stick around for a little bit. Gotta make sure these guys get situated. A lot of them have never experienced something like this before.

MARISSA: Oh hell frickin’ yeah! Mike check, one and two. Put ‘er there, bud.

MW: Bruno misses ya, ya know.

MIKE: That’s because Bruno’s a good boy.

MW: Them crows miss you, too. All eleven of ‘em.

SHADOW: You have eleven crows? In your apartment?

MW: [Laughs.] Nah. Nah, they’re in the garden. Michael was raisin’ ‘em

SHADOW: [Laughs.] Your landlord allows him to do that?

CHANCE: [Laughs.] You haven’t met Boris, babe. He lets them do whatever they want. Do you even pay rent on the place?

MIKE: Well theoretically we’re paying in dog-sitting, but it’s basically free.

SLY: Oh, Big Bear. [Grunts as he hugs Michael.]

MICHAEL: My-My Badger.

SLY: I’m never letting you [MICHAEL: My Badger. [Chuckles.]] out of my sight again, Big Bear. Not even to feed Banjo. [MICHAEL: Oh c’mon.] I’m going to keep you on a leash from now on, you hear me?

MICHAEL: Oh c’mon! [Chuckles.]

SLY: I’d get you the longest least in the world but… Just wait until you hear about everything I got up to while there were three of me. [MICHAEL: Wish I could’ve been around three of ya, pard. That woulda been a real threat.] You’ve been across timelines like this before? Oh, my poor Big Bear. I knew it musta been hard, [MICHAEL: I’m okay.] but I didn’t know it was like this.

MICHAEL: It’s okay, I’m okay, Badger. We got each other now.

EDGAR: Finally. No more sleeping in the basement for my Mikey Bear. It was a lonely year without you, babe.

MIKEY: Yeah, I missed you, too. I didn’t even know it.

EDGAR: It was almost more lonely when I had you in the basement and you didn’t remember me.

MIKEY: I know, I know. I feel the same way.

EDGAR: My feet have been cold all by my lonesome in my bed.

[Conversation fades out.]

[Scene transition.]

[Multiple conversations happen at once while people enjoy the party.]

[Marissa clinks a glass to call attention.]

MARISSA: Everyone shut the fuck up, Michael’s got shit to say!

MICHAEL: [Clear his throat.] Yeah, um, thanks Marissa. Uh, pardon me, folks. If I could have yer attention for just a second. I wanted to, uh, propose a toast. A toast if you will, to… Jam. Now, I ain’t been around in awhile. I was blissfully unaware that I didn’t exist [MARISSA: good to have you back, Michael!] for a minute there. Cain’t say I minded. Just for a little while, my back didn’t hurt. [Dry laugh.] But uh, the reason we are all here today is cause Jamilla Gardner here is such an upstanding human bein’. [MARISSA: Hey frickin’ yeah, Jam!] Curious, compassionate, brave, caring. Hell, humble. I can see they’re cheeks over there gettin’ red. [Michael and Jam laugh.] I ain’t tryin’ to flatter ya, Jam. The Mikes owe you our lives. Badger and Panther here [Edgar and Sly cheer.] owe ya everything, too. I reckon us Mikes are pretty important to ‘em. But, hard times ain’t over yet. I don’t reckon they ever will be. But when those times come, we’ll have the solace of the embrace of the ones we love. I get to feel my Sly in my arms again. That’s cause of you. For awhile it didn’t look like that’d ever be possible again. [Michael gets choked up.] So… got me tearin’ up, so… I raise my glass. Thank ya, Jam. From all of us. You deserve it. Cheers!

[Everyone cheers.]

JAMILLA: Thanks, Michael. That’s really sweet.

MIKEY [clearly drunk.]: Cheers, Jam! I’m so sorry I broke your record player! I’m sorry!

CHANCE [laughing]: Oh my god, Mikey!

JAMILLA: It’s okay, Mikey. It’s okay.

MIKEY: No, I’ve got a- I’ve got a bank account. I’ll get you the best record player of all time.

CHANCE: Alright, who let Mikey into the bourbon?

JAMILLA: It’s not even broken in this timeline, Mikey.

MIKEY: No, but it happened. See, I-I’ve got it on my phone, The Best Record Players 2023. Pick one, it’s your’s.

JAMILLA: You do not have to buy me a record player, Mikey. You’re drunk.

MIKEY: Those statements are unrelated to each other.

EDGAR: He won’t stop until you pick one, Jam.

MARISSA: Oh, c’mon, Jam, put him out of his misery. Pick one.

CHANCE: Just pick one, Jam. We’ll have album listening nights at your cabin.

AUGUST: You know I’ve got Townes Van Zandt, Live at the Old Quarter back at the ranch but I don’t got a record player, but I can bring ‘em over if’n ya want.

SHADOW: Chris and I have a record collection, too.

JAMILLA: Though, if you are buying… there is one I’ve had my eye on. It’s a little expensive, I’m not sure you can afford it but since you offered…

[Party chatter starts again, multiple conversations happen at once.]

[Scene transition.]

[Night ambiance. A screen door opens.]

MATT: …Mikey?

MIKEY: M-Matt! [Mikey starts sniffling.]

MATT: What are– oh!

[MIkey hugs Matt.]

MIKEY [blubbering]: I missed you so much. Matt!

MATT: I’ve been right here, Mikey. You’re… drunk. I can smell it on your breath. Wow. That is strong.

MIKEY [sobbing]: You were dead! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry…

MATT: It’s okay, Mikey. I’m alive. I’m right here. I died again, I take it?

MIKEY: …killed you…

MATT: What else is new? And what’s in the box?

MIKEY: It’s-It’s-It’s yours, It’s your-your stuff from when you died, it was in my house. I-I wanted to give it to you.

MATT: Mikey, this is literally junk. And a Pearl Jam t-shirt. You came all this way to give me this? [MIKEY: Mm-hmm.] Wait, you transported while drunk? That can’t be safe!

MIKEY: I needed to see that you were okay. I killed you.

MATT: I’m okay, Mikey. Let’s go inside. You can fill me in on what I missed. The back room is still cleaned out from the last time you stayed. You can sleep here tonight. I don’t want you transporting again in your state. You’ll get… [Laughs.] stuck in a wall.

MIKEY: I love you, Matt. I love you, Matt!

MATT: Yeah, yeah. I love you too, Mikey. Let’s get you inside, dweeb. Come on now. The Possum’s got you. We can talk about Edman and MDawg in the morning after you sober up. If you’re even sober by morning. How much did you have to drink?

MIKEY: Um… much.

[The door opens and shuts.]

[Shrink Swell plays]

I tried to drink
Certainty for wells
Long abandoned
Dried about by the weather

I shrink I swell
And only time will tell
Which one of those forms
You’ll know forever

You learned
Meaning is detached
It can roll right off your back
Into the water

And I tried
No matter how I cupped
These useless little hands
I couldn’t hold it up

If I ever try to find you
I will rub my fingers raw
scrawling out your countenance
through every syllable

not enough
the pile of gifts
that blankets your unanswered door
speak to me
what is it you were living for?

I shrink I swell
And only time will tell
Which one of those forms
You’ll know forever

You learned
Meaning is detached
It can roll right off your back
Into the water

And I tried
No matter how I cupped
These useless little hands
I couldn’t hold it up

I shrink
(only time will tell)
I swell
(only time will tell)

I shrink
(only time will tell)
I swell
(only time will tell)

[Phone rings.]

ANNE: Hello?

EDGAR: Anne? You’re alive?

ANNE: I will contact you when I am ready. Forget. This. Number.

[Phone disconnects.]

[Closing theme plays.]

CREDITS: This has been WOE.BEGONE. The voice of Ty Betteridge was David Ault. Check out David Ault in Shadows at the Door and many other podcasts.

The voice of Chance Taylor Michaels. You can check him out in the Department of Variance of Somewhere Ohio.

The voice of Shadow was William A. Wellman. Check out their podcast Hello from the Hallowoods.

The Voice of Marissa Ng was Michelle Kan. You can find them on Twitter at fswrites.

The voice of Sylvester August Baxter was Harlan Guthrie. Check out his podcasts Malevolent and Deviser.

The voice of Edgar was Jeremy Enfinger. Check out his podcast The Storage Papers.

Roll the end theme again.

The voice of Anne was Lucille Valentine. You can hear her in The Silt Verses and The Inn Between, spelt I-N-N.

The voice of Jamilla Gardener was Rae Lundberg. Listen to their podcast The Night Post.

The voice of Matt was Jamie Petronis. Check out his podcast The Cellar Letters.

The voice of Eagle was Steve Anzalone. Check out his podcasts Maelopia and The Sleep Wake Cycle.

And the voice of Hunter Jeremiah Hartley was Gary Furlong. You can find him on Facebook and Instagram and TikTok at garyfurlongvo.

This has been season 10 of WOE.BEGONE. Season 11 starts in two weeks. Thanks for playing.

[Closing theme ends.]

BLOOPER (TY): They make Tier Three of O.V.E.R. look like a day at the beach. And not that day at the beach.