Episode 116: Cowboy For A Day

SUMMARY

See y’all at the barbeque.

CREDITS

David Ault as Ty Betteridge

Taylor Michaels as Chance

Steve Anzalone as Eagle

Harlan Guthrie as Sylvester August Baxter

Rae Lundberg as Jamilla Gardner

Jeremy Enfinger as Edgar

Michelle Kan as Marissa Ng

TRANSCRIPT

 WOE.BEGONE EPISODE 116: COWBOY FOR A DAY

TY

Chris! Good to see you. And… another Chris! What a pleasant surprise. What brings you to the Compound? Base didn’t call ahead and tell me that you were dropping in today…

CHANCE1

Hey, Ty. We need a little consolidation work done. Under the table. Base can’t know about this.

CHANCE2

There aren’t supposed to be two of us.

TY

Oooh! Indulged in a little bit of illicit iteration did we? Spicy.

CHANCE1

We didn’t iterate ourselves. Someone tricked that one.

CHANCE2

Hey, he would have tricked you, too. But, yes. We need you to consolidate us, please. Under the table.

TY

Understood. The Compound has a working agreement with your Base, but we are not obligated to inform them about anything that we do. This one’s on me. I won’t tattle on you to your boss. [Giggling.] Still, it’s funny that you of all people got into this predicament, Chris.

CHANCE1

That one got his gun snatched away from him and got involved in some shenanigans. Not his finest hour.

TY

Oh, really? Do tell! We have a minute. I need to take some measurements for the consolidation.

CHANCE2

Someone iterated me at the end of my shift at O.V.E.R. and held me hostage in a cabin. Said his name was Boone “Grizzly” Babcock…

CHANCE1

Fake name.

CHANCE2

The fakest. I drew my pistol on him, but I didn’t want to make a mess, so I attempted to let him go. I made it halfway out the door and he tackled me and wrestled the gun away. So we went on a little midnight field trip to Base.

CHANCE1

He spared him because he didn’t want to file the Base paperwork.

CHANCE2

Not untrue. And the O.V.E.R. paperwork is even worse, if I decided to file that.

TY

So this Boone character held you up and just… let you go? Why did he kidnap you in the first place?

CHANCE2

It was perhaps the dumbest case of mistaken identity imaginable. Apparently Boone is caught up in some sort of time travel murder game called WOE.BEGONE and thinks that Base is involved.

TY

WOE.BEGONE, you say? That is quite interesting. Did he tell you anything about this WOE.BEGONE game?

CHANCE2

He told me a buncha nonsense about cutting off his arm. He thinks that Base is running WOE.BEGONE and that someone named Chris is involved. There is another Chris at Base who works in IT, but I don’t believe you’ve met him. So I told him about that Chris and that he could be involved but I wasn’t sure. He seemed to buy it.

CHANCE1

Toph really could be involved. He’s a weird guy. No idea what’s going on with him.

TY

Ah, so he thought he had that other Chris. You’re right. I don’t believe that I’ve met him. Curious. I don’t communicate with your I.T. team.

CHANCE1

It’s just two guys, Chris and Ryan. Not my Ryan or me, obviously. The field team doesn’t get to know what they do, but they sulk around at the all-hands meetings.

CHANCE2

I think one of them stole our leftovers out of the fridge.

TY

Very interesting to peek behind the curtain. You might want to keep an eye on them and this WOE.BEGONE game, whatever it is. There are already too many time travel factions without another one getting involved. It was even worse before we got things smoothed out with you Base.

CHANCE2

Well, Boone didn’t seem capable of handling the WOE.BEGONE thing on his own.

TY

It didn’t seem like it from your description. I’m glad you’re both here, but I’m surprised that he left you alive. It’s not exactly the best tactic from a security perspective.

CHANCE2

I’m not sure if he left me alive, originally. The details are a little bit funky. I think what happened was that he killed me and then he felt really bad about it, so he issued a correction? I was helping him and then I transported all over the place. When I stopped transporting I was back at Base watching myself microwave a burrito.

TY

How messy. Are you sure that you don’t want to report this to your Base? It’s good that he spared your life, but he did break in. If he’s out there, it could put all of you in danger.

CHANCE1

He doesn’t want his little friend Boone to get in trouble.

CHANCE2

If I “got him in trouble,” Base would hunt him down and kill him. And you know that they’d make us do it. And they’d probably see the iteration as a chance to put both of us to work instead of consolidating us. And I just… don’t want to kill him.

CHANCE1

Stockholm syndrome. Pure Stockholm Syndrome.

CHANCE2

Hey, he was a pretty nice guy, all things considered! Well, maybe not nice but we got along after he figured out that I wasn’t involved in that WOE.BEGONE stuff. He likes Wilco, I like Wilco. I think he felt… cornered… by whatever was happening to him, so he wasn’t being his best self. Plus, he didn’t do anything to me that Eagle hasn’t done.

CHANCE1

Well, Eagle’s an asshole.

CHANCE2

Agreed.

TY

Well, I’ve got all your measurements in order. Did you know that you’ve grown 3 millimeters since the last time you consolidated? Frequent transport does that sometimes. We can begin the consolidation, if that’s still what you want. The more the merrier, I say, but I know that not everyone shares that belief. Iterations do make it easier to survive an attack. Maybe something to consider.

CHANCE1

Considered and rejected. We don’t need more iterations running around.

CHANCE2

Just put us back together, please, Ty.

TY

Can do. You know the drill. Have a seat and get comfortable. The chair will automatically strap you in. This is overkill. You’re relatively recent iterations and neither of you are injured so we don’t need the whole rigmarole, but we’ll do it by the books out of an abundance of caution.

We hear them sit down and the straps go on.

TY

Whenever you’re ready, we’ll start the process.

CHANCE1

You ready?

CHANCE2

Yep.

CHANCE1

We’re ready, Ty.

TY

Wonderful. Fe, Chris is ready to be reunited with himself. Start the consolidation on my count, if you would be so kind. Beginning in 3…2…1…

We hear the time travel noise.

TY

Excellent. Looks like it went perfectly. Does everything feel right to you, Chris?

CHANCE

Yeah… I think so. A little woozy, but I always am after a consolidation.

TY

The process will do that to you. But you’re good to go. I’m glad I was able to help you out today.

CHANCE

Thanks for helping. I don’t imagine that there’s anything that I can do to help you in return, but if something comes up, you know where to find me.

TY

That I do. Say, we have tracing capabilities. Do you want me to look into this Boone fellow? Base doesn’t need to know. The WOE.BEGONE thing you mentioned might be worth looking into.

CHANCE

No. I think we should leave him alone. Hopefully he made a run for it and we won’t hear from him again.

TY

Suit yourself.

CHANCE

Welp, I had better get back to Base. It was good to see you, Ty. Are you going to the Base Annual Barbeque that’s coming up?

TY

I didn’t get an invite, I’m afraid. But have fun cowboyin’ it up out there for me.

CHANCE

Can do. Last year got pretty rowdy. See ya when I see ya, I guess.

TY

Yep. Bye, Chris.

CHANCE

Bye, Ty.

We hear the time travel noise.

TY

Ryan and CANNONBALL again, huh? How interesting. Felix, would you do me a favor and prepare to check on Ryan and CANNONBALL in storage? Assuming that they’re in there, of course. They should be, but I have a couple of questions for them…

[INTRO THEME PLAYS.]

Outdoor ambiance. We hear the sounds of grilling. Jamilla and Edgar are approaching August and Eagle who are roughhousing. Their chatter fades in as we approach. EAGLE is playfully antagonizing AUGUST1 with a hot dog poker. [‘hey!”s “ow!’s “give it here!”s etc. ]

AUGUST [PLAYFULLY]

Ow! Careful with that thing! You’ll put someone’s eye out!

EAGLE [PLAYFULLY]

My bad, Bax. I thought you were a pig.

AUGUST1

Your hot dog poker privileges are about to get revoked, mister.

EAGLE

Come and take it, cowboy.

AUGUST1

Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Eagle?

EAGLE

To whoop your ass in front of the whole barbeque? Hell yeah, I’d like that.

EDGAR clears his throat.

EDGAR

Howdy there, cowboys. Having fun?

AUGUST1

Just a little roughhousin’. Howdy, Edgar.

EDGAR

That’s a nice hat you’ve got there, Eagle.

EAGLE

[COWBOY VOICE] Thank ya kindly. It was a gift from ol’ Bax here. And howdy to you, Jam. [COWBOY VOICE ENDS.] Bax, this is Jamilla. They’re the new recruit that I was telling you about earlier.

AUGUST1

Sylvester August Baxter. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Folks around here call me Bax for short ‘cause I got two of my… [Pause.] Hey, Eagle, does Jam know about my “brothers”?

EAGLE

Oh yeah. Jam knows everything. They’re one of the team. Bax here is the oldest of the three iterations that run the Satellite Base. He runs a tight ship out here. Sly and August are kickin’ around here somewhere…

AUGUST1

Probably getting into trouble, knowing them. Oh! Before I forget: let me get you two cowpokes your own cowboy hats. We got one for everyone this year.

We hear August rustling around for the hats.

JAMILLA

That’s… very generous of you, Bax.

EAGLE

H is footing the bill for them, I believe. He was around here somewhere, but I think that he had to head back to Base early. No bossman to keep us down today.

AUGUST1

Here ya go, folks. Two brand spankin’ new cowboy hats. I hereby pronounce you Cowboy For A Day. Or as long as ya want. You are now officially sheriffs of the Satellite Base.

EAGLE

We tried to 3D print some badges but they didn’t come out right.

EDGAR

Thanks, Bax. This is a lovely hat.

JAMILLA

Yeah, thanks.

AUGUST1

So… welcome to the Second Annual Base Barbeque, y’all! What’s mine is yours. Help yourself to anything ya want and I mean anything. Eagle has been helpin’ himself all week. We got beer, soda, lemonade, hot dogs, burgers, veggie skewers, chips. You name it, we got it.

EAGLE

I’ve been out here since Thursday helping ‘em prepare. All the meat was freshly slaughtered by yours truly. All the veggies were grown in the garden by Bax here. Eat, drink, be merry, and all that stuff.

EDGAR

Sounds like you’ve been quite productive out here, Eagle.

AUGUST1

Don’t flatter ‘im. Y’all can go on and grab some grub, maybe mill around a little. Everyone’s off doin’ their own thing until supper, I do believe. Last I saw we got a couple people on horses, a couple in the living room–

We hear a distant gunshot. 

JAMILLA

And I would bet money that was Marissa.

EAGLE

Only a fool would bet against you.

AUGUST1

Just don’t fill up too much, ya hear? Bax and I are grillin’ steaks come suppertime and you’re gonna wanna have an appetite for that.

EAGLE

Not just steaks. Dinner and a show!

JAMILLA

What kind of show?

EAGLE

You gotta stick around to find out. [Eagle makes that clicking sound people make when they wink.] And we went ahead and entered you fine folks in this year’s lottery. The prize is a secret this year, but it’s something y’all will really enjoy.

EDGAR

Sounds fun. We’re gonna go talk to some people, I think. We’ll be back in a couple hours.

AUGUST1

Come runnin’ when the dinner bell rings. Nice meetin’ ya, Jamilla.

JAMILLA

Nice to meet you too, Bax.

EAGLE

[COWBOY VOICE] Y’all take care now.

EAGLE and AUGUST1’s antics continue in the background as they walk away:

EAGLE

Got yer hat, pardner!

AUGUST

You better give that back, pilgrim!

EAGLE

Nope! Now I’m double the cowboy and you’re just a lowly greenhorn.

AUGUST

Oh, I’m gonna getcha for this’n. Just as sure as I gotcha Thursday night at the bonfire.

EAGLE

No way. Besides, I was drunk Thursday night when you pinned me. Bring it on, Bax.

–

JAMILLA

So… what is Bax’s deal, exactly?

EDGAR

It’s a long story, but here are the Cliffnotes. We outsource work to this Satellite Base when we need extra hands or when it would benefit us to have some assistance from someone who isn’t directly connected to Base. This satellite base is run by three iterations of a guy named Sylvester August Baxter. Bax is the oldest of the three iterations.

JAMILLA

Are they all cowboys?

EDGAR

Yep. They were like that when we found them. Employing them gives us a way to subtly monitor them because in the timeline I consolidated with, they were the boyfriend of Michael Walters, the older cowboy iteration of Mike Walters.

JAMILLA

You were married to Mike and Bax was with another iteration?

EDGAR

I won’t get into it here, but I don’t live forever, Jam.

JAMILLA

Oh. I’m… sorry.

EDGAR

Don’t worry about it. H brought August on in order to keep his enemies close. I think there were some simulations that suggested that August would be a liability if we left him alone to do his own thing. In my timeline, he was involved in an attack on the Hunters that escalated the conflict between them and Base, but that didn’t happen in this timeline. I think that’s because there was no Michael to set things off. Bax and Eagle got close, which is good news for H because Bax would never do anything to betray Eagle. It’s all a big tightrope walk to keep the timeline how H wants it.

JAMILLA

Yeah, Bax did not seem like he would be interested in joining our quest to save Mike Walters. He seemed more like he’d help Eagle cut him into pieces. They seemed very fond of one-another.

EDGAR

Sly, on the other hand…

JAMILLA

Is that the one that you consolidated?

EDGAR

That’s the one. He’s the middle iteration and, so far, he is the only one who remembers the other timeline. Which is why our primary mission today is to get Sly alone so that we can take him to Mikey Bear.

JAMILLA

Do any of them know that you and Eagle supposedly killed Mike once and for all?

EDGAR

That’s not their purview as members of the Satellite Base, but Eagle has been up here for a few days and I am sure that he has told Bax, not that Bax would know who Mike Walters is.

JAMILLA

Poor Sly. I hope he doesn’t know.

EDGAR

He’ll know the truth soon enough.

JAMILLA

So, what do we do now?

EDGAR

I vote that we split up. Take a few minutes and talk to some field team members.

We hear distant gunfire again.

JAMILLA

That’s Marissa. I’ll follow the sound of gunfire.

EDGAR

And I’ll head inside. I bet there are at least a couple people hanging out. I’ll text you once I can get Sly alone and we’ll bring him to Mikey.

JAMILLA

Sounds good to me. [COWBOY VOICE] Let’s get ‘er done, pardner.

EDGAR

The cowboy hat is already leaching into your brain, I see.

JAMILLA

I don’t know what came over me. Yeehaw.

SCENE TRANSITION.

We hear gunshots. AUGUST2 and MARISSA hoot and holler [ “woohoo!” “yeehaw!” “hell yeah partner” etc.]

AUGUST2

Woo! You killed the hell outta that microwave!

MARISSA

I sure as shit did, buckaroo! No appliance is safe from Outlaw Marissa! [Pause.] Oh! Jam! You’re here! I thought that you were going to pull a Mike Walters on me.

JAMILLA

Nope, I’m here. I came with Edgar.

MARISSA

August, have you met my good friend and colleague Jamilla Gardner?

AUGUST2

I don’t believe that I have. Howdy, Jamilla. Sylvester August Baxter is the name. Folks call me August.

JAMILLA

Nice to meet you, August. I think I met… the oldest one? Bax?

AUGUST2

That ol’ cur! Hope he didn’t embarrass himself. Glad you decided to ditch him and Eagle and come find the party. You enjoyin’ the barbeque?

JAMILLA

Having a good time so far.

MARISSA

August bought some old appliances off of Craigslist and we’re out here blowin’ ‘em to smithereens! Wanna grab a gun and help out?

JAMILLA

I think I’ll just watch for now, but thank you.

MARISSA

More ammo for me, then. We got a big ol’ fridge to blow up for the grand finale. August says I can stick a grenade in there.

JAMILLA

That sounds very… Marissa Ng.

MARISSA

What can I say? I’m easy to please.

AUGUST2

Hey, speakin’ of ammo… Marissa, you ever shot Dragon’s Breath shotgun rounds?

MARISSA

Never heard of ‘em.

JAMILLA

Firepower that Marissa Ng has never heard of? Scandalous.

AUGUST2

We’re gonna have some ol’ fashioned fun, then. Dragon’s Breath rounds ignite and explode in a big ol’ fireball. I know we got a couple left in the bunker somewhere. I’ll go grab ‘em.

MARISSA

Hell yeah, Auggy! Let’s light some shit up!

AUGUST2

Hell yeah. I’ll be back in a jiffy.

We hear AUGUST2 leave.

JAMILLA

So, is the grenade in the fridge the big after-dinner event that Bax and Eagle were so excited about?

MARISSA

Nope. They’ve kept tight-lipped about that and whatever giveaway they’re doing. Whatever it is should be a good time, though. [Pause.] Hey, Jam, while I’ve got you alone out here…

JAMILLA

Yeah?

MARISSA

Do you know anything about a fella named Boone “Grizzly” Babcock?

JAMILLA

No, Marissa. I have never heard that name in my entire life. Is that a real person? Edgar warned me that these cowboy hats seep into your brain…

MARISSA

Story time! There was this guy who walked right through my patrol light a couple weeks back and that’s the name that he gave me. Seemed friendly enough, a little jumpy. Maybe he understood who he was dealing with. I razzed him a little, but let him go and didn’t think anything of it. UNTIL! I was telling Chris about this weird Boone guy and he got all suspicious and quiet. Turned out he had a run-in with him, too, on the same night, out in front of your cabin.

JAMILLA

My cabin? What? What night was this?

MARISSA

It was… oh! I remember. Because… let’s see here. Boone wasn’t the only odd fellow that crossed my path that night. I got a picture of the second one… yup! Here it is! I saw a fox on my patrol! Look at him! Isn’t he the best? I named him Marissa Jr.

JAMILLA

That is an extremely cute fox, Marissa. What night did you say it was?

MARISSA

Looks like… the 10th?

JAMILLA

That explains why I didn’t see anything. I wasn’t in my cabin that night. I was out with friends.

MARISSA

Hmm… well definitely keep an eye out for interlocutors. Could be someone trying to snoop around for info about Base. Maybe take home a doggy bag of that shotgun ammo.

JAMILLA

I’m not too worried, but thanks for the head’s up, Marissa. Did you and Boone talk about anything in particular?

MARISSA

Small talk. He said that he was new in town, so I told him that he absolutely must check out the 24 hour diner while he’s here. I showed him the picture of Marissa Jr. He seemed… harmless? I dunno. I didn’t want to turn him in. Let Troy take the fall if that idiot let him through the gate. …And eventually he said that he really had to go and scurried off into the night… much like Marissa Jr. scurried off into the night. Now that I think about it, I never saw Jeff and Boone at the same time. 

JAMILLA

I think you might have begun to see things on your night shift. But I’ll keep an eye out for the fox spirit.

We hear Jamilla get a text.

JAMILLA

Oh. That’s Edgar. He wanted to meet up with me for a minute. Sorry to run so soon, but I’ll come back when I’m done if you want.

MARISSA

Up to you. I’ll be out here, blowin’ shit up.

JAMILLA

Sorry that I’m going to miss the Dragon’s Breath. But we’ll meet up at dinner at the very least. Catch ya later.

MARISSA

So long, Buckaroo! Yeehaw!

We hear another gunshot.

SCENE TRANSITION.

Living room. CHANCE and AUGUST3 are singing OLDBRUSH VALLEY.

CHANCE

Right. Then it goes [singing]: “Oldbrush Valley / I wonder what it is about that place.”

AUGUST

[SINGING] “Oldbrush Valley / I wonder what it is about that place.”

CHANCE

[SINGING] “Oldbrush Valley / But since I left I haven’t shown my face.”

EDGAR

No, actually. The second time through it goes, “they don’t know yet they’ll never see her face.”

CHANCE

What? Are you sure about that, Edgar?

EDGAR

Yeah, the chorus changes every time.

CHANCE

Weird. I guess that I play it a lot more than I listen to it, so now I just do my own version. Whatever. It’s a folk song. That’s what you’re supposed to do with folk songs.

EDGAR

There are lots of different versions, I’m sure. That’s just the one that I know. 

AUGUST3

Ryan’s the expert in this, ain’t he? Should we go ask ‘im?

CHANCE

Nah. I think he split after too many people saw us play The Only Living Boy In New York. You wanna try Oldbrush Valley from the top?

AUGUST3

No thanks, bud. I don’t think I got the hang of it.

CHANCE

That’s fine. In that case, I’m gonna go grab a beer, maybe see what some other people are up to. You want anything, Sly?

AUGUST3

I’m fine, thanks. I’m gonna sit here and pick at this guitar some.

CHANCE

Cool. Catch ya later.

AUGUST3

Yup.

There is a pause as Chance walks away.

EDGAR

Hey… Sly… If you can sneak away for a second, I have quite the surprise for you.

AUGUST3

Now, is this the kind of surprise where ya show me a cute baby chicken or the kind where there’s a body and we need to do something about it? Because you’ve shown me both and I prefer one to the other.

EDGAR

I’d say it’s about an 80-20 split between both types of surprises. You’re really going to want to see this. But I don’t want to talk about the details here. I texted Jamilla when Chris walked away. They’re on their way. Can we go to the bunker together when they get here?

AUGUST3

The bunker? You didn’t hide somethin’ for me in there, did ya? You’re not allowed in there on your own.

EDGAR

No, nothing’s in there. We need somewhere private.

AUGUST3

Can’t ya give me a hint or somethin’? You got me worried, partner.

EDGAR

Nothing to worry about, Sly. Look, there’s Jam. Hey Jam! We’re ready to go.

AUGUST3

Howdy, Jamilla. Sylvester August Baxter is the name. Folks around here call me Sly for short, cuz of–

JAMILLA

Yep, I know. I’ve met Bax and August already. Nice to meet you, Sly.

EDGAR

Sly, would you be so kind as to lead Jamilla and I into the bunker?

AUGUST3

Ya know, if anyone else was orderin’ me around like that, I’d demand an explanation. But… you get a pass this time, Edgar.

EDGAR

It would not be wise to explain.

JAMILLA

Agreed. Not with the potential of there being mixed company around.

We hear a door unlock and they descend the stairs.

AUGUST3

Are we gonna need firepower for this? Because the bunker’s got ya covered. We can grab some stuff while we’re down here.

JAMILLA

No, no. Not at all.

EDGAR

I wanted to do this down here because I didn’t want anyone to see us transport. Did you lock the door behind us, Sly?

AUGUST3

The door automatically locks and only the Baxters have the key.

EDGAR

Great. Let’s do this fast and get back before anyone wonders where we went. Get ready to travel. I know neither of you have much experience transporting, so brace yourselves.

AUGUST3

Ugh. I hate transporting.

JAMILLA

It’ll be worth it. Let’s go.

EDGAR

Transporting in 3…2…1…

We hear the time travel noise. AUGUST, JAMILLA, and EDGAR grunt upon arrival.

MIKE

Uh… hi…?

AUGUST3

Is… is that… is he!?!? ?!?!

MIKE

I’m… Mike Walters… if that’s what you mean. Nice to meet-

We hear them embrace.

AUGUST3

BIG BEAR!

MIKE

Uhm… hello to you, too. Edgar, who is this?

EDGAR

Mikey, I want you to meet Sylvester August Baxter. He remembers the timeline, too. Michael, the cowboy iteration that I told you about, was his partner.

AUGUST [EMOTIONAL]

Ah! I didn’t want to get my hopes up when Edgar said he was takin’ us somewhere. It’s been so long. I was sure that I’d never see you again. My Big Bear! Edgar… he doesn’t know… does he?

EDGAR

I’m holding off for the right time to consolidate him. But he’s our Mike and that’s what matters.

JAMILLA

Base thinks that he’s dead.

AUGUST3

That’s for the best. It gives us time to strategize. What’s the plan, Edgar?

EDGAR

We’re going to start by consolidating the rest of the field team.

AUGUST3

I like that. Strength in numbers.

JAMILLA

Speaking of the field team, Mike: would you happen to be familiar with the alias Boone “Grizzly” Babcock?

MIKE

Who told you… that?– No. I’ve never even heard that name.

JAMILLA

Bullshit. Chris and Marissa have both had run-ins with “Boone” on the night that my record player went missing.

MIKE

I prefer “Grizzly” actually. And I had to make sure that Chris wasn’t one of the WOE.BEGONE gamerunners. Turns out, he isn’t.

JAMILLA

What did you do to him?

MIKE

I had a… friendly conversation with him. I shot the record player to prove that I was serious. And I had him take me to Base to find some files. But we made up during the car ride! I think we’re friends now.

JAMILLA

You had better hope that you’re friends with Chris, because we could really use his cooperation in order to save you, dipshit.

AUGUST3

Hey now! Don’t take that tone with my Big Bear. He don’t mean no harm.

JAMILLA

Sorry, I just got back from talking to Marissa. Calling everyone “dipshit” must have worn off on me.

MIKE

If anything, it’s a good sign that Chris remembers me. That means that there’s an iteration of him that survived that night. But… there might be two of him.

EDGAR [IRRITATED]

You iterated him?

MIKE

What I did made sense while I was doing it.

EDGAR

If they consolidated, they didn’t tell Base about it…

AUGUST3

The silver lining is that it looks like field team has already met ya, bud. Should grease the wheels a little. I’m so glad to have ya back, partner.

EDGAR

Sly has been waiting for you for a long time, Mikey.

JAMILLA

This is such a touching reunion, but what are we going to do about Bax and Eagle? Eagle acts like killing you was the best night of his life, Mike.

EDGAR

Sly, do you think that Eagle told Bax about killing Mikey?

AUGUST3

I’m sure he did. He’s been out here for 4 days. Him and Bax are attached at the hip. He tells him everything. So… we’ll have to deal with Bax and probably August once we get the field team back together.

MIKE

Deal… with them?

AUGUST3 [CONCERNED]

Deal… with them. [Long exhale.] I don’t know. I don’t know, Michael.

MIKE

Mike works, actually. And that goes for everyone in here.

EDGAR

No can do, you’re my Mikey Bear.

AUGUST3

And you’re my Big Bear.

JAMILLA

Eh. I’m fine with calling you Mike.

MIKE

Thanks, Jam.

EDGAR

I think it’s time that we head back to the barbeque. What do you think, Sly? Was this a good surprise?

AUGUST3

Better than I could ever ask for.

JAMILLA

Then let’s go back and enjoy the party.

EDGAR

Agreed. Let’s get out of here. Initiating transport in 3…2…1…

MIKE

Wait, bring–

We hear the time travel noise.

MIKE

–Me a pulled pork sandwich when you come back. Goddamit.

CUT TO AUGUST3, JAMILLA, EDGAR.

AUGUST3 [TEARY]

Thank you, Edgar. I needed that more than you know.

EDGAR

No, I think I understand pretty well.

AUGUST3

You’re right.

JAMILLA

Are you ready to go back upstairs and mingle?

AUGUST3

[SNIFFS.] Yep. Let’s go have the best damn barbeque of our lives.

JAMILLA

Let’s go blow up a refrigerator with a grenade.

AUGUST3

I’d like that.

EDGAR

Me, too.

SCENE TRANSITION.

We hear the bunker portion of the previous scene from a new angle. AUGUST2 is getting ammo from the bunker. He hides in order to listen in.

AUGUST2

Let’s see… here we are. Dragon’s Breath shotgun rounds. Ooh, we’ve got 5 of ‘em. Nice. Expensive little buggers.

AUGUST2 hears the bunker door open.

AUGUST2 [MUTTERING TO SELF]

…Who the hell is coming down here? Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. I gotta get down.

The scene plays out in front of AUGUST2.

AUGUST2 [WHISPER TO SELF]

That’s Sly… Jamilla… and Edgar. Huh? What? Where did they go?

We hear the time travel noise as they pop quickly back in.

AUGUST2 [STILL WHISPERING]

What was that? Sly? What is going on…?

SCENE TRANSITION.

MARISSA

Okie dokie! Is everyone ready and at a safe distance? Because I’m sure as hell ready to get this party started and I am not liable for the sudden removal of any limbs. You’ll have to take that up with management. Here we go! Pulling the pin on this sucker in 3…2…1…

There is a brief pause and then the fridge explodes. ALL give some form of “woohoo” “yeehaw” “that’s what I’m talkin’ bout” and so on.

EAGLE

Now we’re finally barbequin’.

AUGUST1

Yup. Ready to lose your little bet, pal?

EAGLE

Bring it on, Bax. You’re so full of hot air.

EAGLE [SPEAKING TO GROUP]

May I have everyone’s attention please? Thank you all so much for coming. This has been a wonderful day. It has been so great to see all of you and not have to boss any of you around! H sends his regards, though he had to leave early. That just means more steak for us. And while H is away, we shall play! I hope you enjoyed your dinner, because now it’s time for the show!

We hear two motorcycles start up.

EAGLE [TALKING OVER MOTORCYCLES BUT NOT YELLING AS LOUD AS YOU WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO]

I made a bet with this old cowboy this morning that I could beat him in a motorcycle race from here to the fenceline. The stakes are high, folks. We’re going to draw names for the lotto and the winner will be decided by whichever one of us wins the race. The mystery prize is: a weeklong getaway to Satellite Base, situated conveniently close to the beautiful Glacier National Park. Bax, if you would be so kind as to hand me the hat and we’ll start drawing names. If I win, the prize will go to… drumroll please… Edgar!

ALL LIGHTLY APPLAUD. GIVE ME TWO TAKES.

EAGLE

And if, by some miracle, Bax wins, the prize will go to… drumroll please… Jamilla Gardner!

JAMILLA

Wait… you want me to stay out here?

MARISSA

Aw, man. Jamilla won the lotto.

CHANCE

[LAUGHS] Take what you can get, Jam. I spent a week out here once and it was awesome. And you can transport home every night when you’re ready to go to bed.

MARISSA

Yeah, I was up here last summer and I spent the whole week at the firing range with Bax.

AUGUST2

You don’t gotta do it if you don’t wanna. It’s just a prize.

EDGAR

Looks like one of us will get to keep an eye on these guys, Jam.

MARISSA

You should do it. It’s fun as hell.

EAGLE

Are we ready? Are we ready, Bax?

AUGUST1

Ready to kick your ass!

EAGLE

Are we ready, team?

ALL

[CHEERS]

AUGUST1

August, count us down!

AUGUST2

ON YOUR MARKS… GET SET… GO!

We hear the motorcycles accelerate for a few seconds. ALL CHEER, HOOT, HOLLER, WHOOP, CAVORT, OTHER SUCH BACCHANAL SOUNDS.

CHANCE

Looks like someone just won a vacation. Congrats, Jam.

AUGUST1

Ha! Who’s the washed up old cowboy now, pilgrim? Hell yeah. Now go home to your Base with your tail between your legs.

EAGLE

You know I let you win ‘cause I like the look of ya.

AUGUST1

Nah. You gave it your all. Good game, partner.

EAGLE

Well fought, Bax.

AUGUST1

Yessir. Congrats, Jamilla. You won a Rocky Mountain getaway. You can stay with us out here for a week if’n ya want or you can gift it to one of your buddies.

JAMILLA

I’ll… take you up on it… I think.

AUGUST1

It would be an honor to have you with us, Jam.

JAMILLA

Thanks…

MARISSA

And when you get back, you’ll be a full-blown cowboy.

JAMILLA

Who’s to say I… ain’t… already?

AUGUST1

We’ll work on it.

EAGLE

And that concludes the festivities for the evening! Stay as long as you like. There are doggy bags, be sure to take a buncha food. We made enough for y’all to have leftovers for the next week. And I’ll see you at work on Monday!

WALLA/BACKGROUND CHATTER OF EVERYONE PUTTERING AROUND AND LEAVING.

SCENE TRANSITION.

AUGUST2

Hey, Bax. Got a sec?

AUGUST1

What’s up?

AUGUST2

I saw something weird today, down in the bunker.

AUGUST1

What were you down in the bunker for?

AUGUST2

Ammo. But I heard some folks comin’, so I hid. And it was Jamilla, Sly, and Edgar. They transported somewhere. And Sly was all teary-eyed when they came back. Any idea what that means?

AUGUST1

They didn’t hurt ‘im, did they?

AUGUST2

No, I don’t think so. You think we should send a correction? Figure out what’s goin’ on with ‘em?

AUGUST1

Nope. No need to spook ‘em. And could be nothin’. And Edgar’s further up the ladder than we are. We’d be reportin’ him to himself. Unless we wanna get H involved, which I don’t, ‘cause I don’t want ‘im lookin’ at us too close. Just keep an eye on Sly and Jam while they’re here.

AUGUST2

Eyes are peeled, partner.

[OUTTRO THEME PLAYS.]