Episode 114: Maybe We’ll Remember Everything

SUMMARY

All of us have made terrible mistakes at this point.

[Warning: this episode contains a depiction of violence. One scene uses particularly visceral and wet sound effects. Listener discretion is advised.]

CREDITS:

Jeremy Enfinger as Edgar

Steve Anzalone as Eagle

TRANSCRIPT

WOE.BEGONE Episode 114: Maybe We’ll Remember Everything.

We hear the time travel noise. MIKE and EDGAR grunt in minor discomfort as they land in the back room of Jamilla’s cabin.

The conversation happens in a low, quiet tone but not a whisper, more like if you were talking to someone in a library. EDGAR doesn’t want to tip off the other iteration of Mike in the other room.

MIKE [COMING TO]

…Huh? What? This is my room. What’s going on? Who the hell are you? Did you do this?

EDGAR [SHUSHING]

Shh! Mikey. Mikey Bear. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. My name is Edgar. I’m one of Jamilla’s friends. I work with them at O.V.E.R. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to rescue you. Keep your voice down.

MIKE

Edgar as in… you’re that Edgar?

EDGAR

…Is that H’s computer?

MIKE

You’re not here about the computer are you? I thought I took care of that.

EDGAR

No, I’m not here for the computer. You know who I am? You read the files we wrote about you?

MIKE

As many as I could. Where’s Jam?

EDGAR

There was an… incident… at Base. H knows about you. He knows what Jamilla did. They are in H’s office right now, waiting for me to get back from this mission.

MIKE

Be honest with me, Edgar. Is he going to kill them?

EDGAR

No. There was an interrogation. H promised not to punish Jamilla as long as someone… took care of you, Mikey. I volunteered so that Jam wouldn’t have to. But, the good news for you is that I have a plan. I made an iteration of you. He’s in the other room right now, which is why we need to keep our voices down. I’m going to get you out of here, but I do have to kill an iteration of you so that Base has evidence that I got the job done.

MIKE

Get me out of here? Get me out of here to where?

EDGAR

You’ll be safe in my cabin for a little while, at least until we can figure out what to do next. I have a lot of power at Base. H trusts me. He wouldn’t search my cabin and he doesn’t have any reason to think that I would try to rescue you. I sounded as enthusiastic as possible when I volunteered. That scored some brownie points with him, too. He doesn’t know that I know about what he’s up to. It’s more self-serving than he pretends it is. I’ll tell you more once we’re back at my cabin. I need to go for now. If we’re going to pull this off, we need to stick to a tight schedule. Stay in here until I come to get you, no matter what happens, no matter what you hear me and Mike doing in the other room. Complete and total silence. Can you do that for me, Mikey?

MIKE

Why not send me back to your cabin now? Why do I have to wait here?

EDGAR

There are a lot of things that have to happen just right in order for this to work. I can’t bring you to my cabin until later or the plan will fall apart. You’re going to have to trust me.

MIKE

Why should I trust you? Why shouldn’t I run out the back and into the forest? I’ve seen the files. I know I’ve killed you at least once. This could be some convoluted revenge plan for all I know.

EDGAR

[Chuckle.] I don’t play with my food, Mikey Bear.

MIKE

Why do you keep calling me Mikey Bear?

EDGAR

I would have killed you already if I wanted you dead. I didn’t have to answer any of your questions. I have to go, really, this time. Stay here and be quiet. That’s the most important thing. Quiet. Say it back to me.

MIKE

I’ll be quiet.

EDGAR

Thank you. I’m going to go deal with the other Mikey. After that, I’ll retrieve you and we’ll get out of here. Do not make a run for it. They will hunt you down and I won’t be able to help you. Stay exactly where you are. I’m going now. See you in a few minutes. Bye, Mikey. I’ll be back soon.

MIKE makes a quiet but frustrated sound as we hear the time travel noise and Edgar transports out.

MIKE

…Bye? …He kept calling me Mikey… I hate being called Mikey.

[INTRO THEME PLAYS.]

We transition to the Mike iteration in the living room as Edgar opens the front door to the cabin.

MIKE [FROM AFAR]

Hey, Jam. How was the mission? Not too traumatic, I hope. If you’re down, I think we need to talk about the record player. It was me. I broke it. I ordered you a new one on Amazon, though! I had to use your debit card because I don’t have a bank account right now, but I’ll pay you back once this all gets sorted out. The new one is a Crosley. I know, I know, they have a terrible reputation but I didn’t want to spend all of your money, you know? Oh, and I ordered some fancy olives, too. You could try them… you don’t have to try them. I think I got carried away with olives because I needed something that I could control. I don’t have much like that right now. I did the dishes, too, by the way–

EDGAR clears his throat. MIKE jumps.

EDGAR

Hi, Mikey. I didn’t want to spook you, but you wouldn’t turn around. You can tell why I’m here from the pistol I’m holding, I’m sure. Hands where I can see them, please.

MIKE

I’m so tired of guns in my face. Who are you? Where is Jam?

EDGAR

I’m Edgar. I work with Jam at Base. They are safe. Don’t worry about that.

MIKE

You’re, like… the Edgar from “Mike and Edgar”?

EDGAR

The very same.

MIKE

I… don’t know what I expected. Good to see that in at least one timeline I was branching out beyond my normal type.

EDGAR

Do you think that you could do your old flame one last favor and cooperate one final time? I don’t want this to hurt for either of us.

MIKE

I haven’t been rewarded for my cooperation in the past. What if I don’t cooperate? What if you don’t cooperate? You could always defect, you know. You’re working for a guy who sent me on a mission to kill you in another timeline. You know about that, right? He ordered me to make it look like a date, presumably because we were dating in the timeline before that. Doesn’t look like he batted an eye when he gave the order. You’re going to do everything that guy says?

 EDGAR

I am certainly not elated that Hunter did that to us in a previous timeline. Between you and me, I don’t care for his attitude regarding this connectivity strike. On the other hand, the reason this connectivity strike is happening is because you are genuinely such a destabilizing force, Mikey. It’s a tradeoff no matter what. Either you die or I do. Or the choice is between you and Hunter, or you and your new cowboy boyfriend. Now Jam’s involved. Killing you was the last resort to ensure that everyone else could live.

MIKE

I am getting tired of being told that I have to die so that apparently everyone else on earth can live happily ever after. It’s patronizing. It’s not convincing. I listened to the surveillance recording of H killing me. He said all of that shit, too. That is no consolation. If you really were my boyfriend in another timeline, don’t condescend to me.

EDGAR

Alright, I won’t. Sit down on the couch and don’t move. If you cooperate, we won’t make a mess in Jamilla’s living room and I won’t leave you gasping on the floor like H did. Jam gets to go back to their life like they never met you. How does that sound? Sit. I’m getting antsy with you pacing around.

MIKE

And if I don’t sit like a good dog, is Eagle waiting at the back door like he was last time?

EDGAR

Yes, he is. He is standing guard and has orders to make sure that I complete the mission. Eagle doesn’t know the meaning of the term “quick and painless.” He doesn’t know you and doesn’t care how painful things get for you. Sit down, Mikey Bear. Please. You can ask me anything you want and then I’ll complete the mission when we’re done. It will be over in an instant, just like when H ordered you to do the same to me.

MIKE

What if I call your bluff on Eagle? I’m still not convinced that he exists. What kind of name is Eagle?

EDGAR

Don’t do that, Mikey. Eagle, do you copy?

EAGLE [WALKIE]

Loud and clear, boss. Everything okay in there?

EDGAR

We have decent cooperation. Just conducting some interrogation. The bear sang. There’s a dupe in the back bedroom. He says Jam didn’t know.

MIKE

But… I didn’t–

EAGLE [WALKIE]

You want me to take care of that for you?

EDGAR

If you could do that while I’m finishing up here, that would be great.

EAGLE [WALKIE]

Can do. Goin’ on a bear hunt. Meet me back there when you’re finished. Over and out.

EDGAR

10-4. Over and out.

MIKE

There’s… an iteration? Did you tell him that I confessed to having an iteration? If so, your coded language wasn’t cryptic enough.

EDGAR

That’s business between myself and Eagle.

MIKE

And… I’m the bear?

EDGAR

Yes. And Eagle is real. Sit down, Mikey.

MIKE

I think if an eagle and a bear actually fought, the bear would win… but fine. I’m sitting down.

EDGAR

Thank you. You might be a bear, but Eagle would carve you up like a turkey. As a favor for your cooperation: What do you want to know?

MIKE

What is this really about? Don’t give me some spiel about death neutrality or any of that bullshit. This isn’t about saving lives. H is way too giddy about it for that to be the case. Why does H want to kill me?

EDGAR

[Sighs.] You and the youngest iteration of Hunter were extremely close when you first moved to O.V.E.R. Best friends, even. He had already been here awhile and he showed you the ropes and fixed as many of your mistakes as he could. You would get into trouble and call up one of Hunter’s iterations and they would figure it out for you. But the longer you were at O.V.E.R., the more deadly the mistakes became. You and the Hunters fought and that fight turned into an all-out war. At one point, you and your iterations did exactly what he and his iterations are doing to you now, wiping out all of the iterations. We call that a Connectivity Strike. There were some negotiations after that, between your Base and the Hunters, but Base violated the terms and the war started all over again. Hunter took over your Base in retaliation, far enough back that you didn’t know it was your Base after the correction. That was when he ordered you to kill me, to keep your Base from having a resurgence in the new timeline. There was a resurgence anyway, which is when Hunter finally resorted to removing you from the equation entirely. He really did exhaust most of his other options before deciding on the Connectivity Strike. 

MIKE

That’s quite the epic tale, Edgar. I’ve seen the files. I haven’t made it through all of them, but I read as much as I could and I didn’t see most of those details. I don’t think they’re in there. Where did you hear them from? H?

EDGAR

I’m not working off just the files. Is there anything else?

MIKE

Yeah. Did you say that I used to run Base? What was that like?

EDGAR

Disorganized and unstable. We spent all of our time putting out fires and going on assassination missions and didn’t have the time or resources left over to get any actual research done. There are still fires to put out at H’s Base– this is one of them– but we have more firefighters and the houses are more flame-resistant. We do more research and less murder. I think H’s Base is how you envisioned what your Base would be like, Mikey. You just weren’t able to make it possible.

MIKE

And I was running Base in the same timeline that I was dating you, right? Huh. I really had it all.

EDGAR

You’re a Mikey iteration, so we were dating, yes. There were other iterations in our present that were married and one that was a widow.

MIKE

A widow? What time was this other iteration from? Was there a time when Mike Walterses used to live to old age?

EDGAR

I’m going to die in 8 years, unfortunately. I’m sure that’s in H’s files somewhere. There’s nothing anyone can do about it.

MIKE

I can relate. I’m going to die at the end of this conversation.

EDGAR

[Awkward laugh.] I see you when I get there, I guess. Maybe we’ll remember everything. Any more questions?

MIKE

What’s going to happen to Jam?

EDGAR

Jam’s going to be fine. They made a terrible mistake, messing around in the timeline on their own, but all of us have made terrible mistakes at this point. It comes with the territory. Everybody at Base loves Jam. They’re friendly and competent and they’re picking up on Base procedure quickly. They’ll be a full-fledged field agent soon enough, calling their own shots on their own missions. Eagle has been looking for a right hand and Jam’s a great pick. The other field agents don’t have the right temperament.

MIKE

Yeah, I’ve met Marissa. A force of nature, but maybe not a manager.

EDGAR

I love Marissa to death and she does fantastically at her current job, which is procuring weapons no-questions-asked. But, I agree.

MIKE

And I met Chris, too, if I’m being honest. That’s how I got into Base to steal the computer.

EDGAR

That explains how you ended up with top secret Base property.

MIKE

Are Chris and Ryan… the other Chris and Ryan, not the field agents… running WOE.BEGONE? Or are Chris and Ryan the couple running WOE.BEGONE? I’ve pretty much ruled them out but now is my last chance to ask.

EDGAR

Ryan and Topher from the I.T. team run WOE.BEGONE. We secured Ryan and Topher in a raid on another organization. In return for their lives, they give us the technological backend of WOE.BEGONE to work from. That’s what gave H the resources to adjust this timeline like he has. I use it in my operations as Failsafe Manager. Ryan wanted you to complete your 4 challenges, but after that they agreed to give you up to H so that he could complete the Connectivity Strike. You were the last iteration remaining. That’s why H was so excited about getting you out of the way. He finally got everything that he wanted, until Jam dug you back up. There’s nothing in his way after this.  

There is a long pause.

MIKE

Do you have a plan, Edgar?

EDGAR

I do. Are you ready?

MIKE

I’m… going to close my eyes. Can you tell me about… me? Stuff that I didn’t read in the files. Maybe stories you “heard from the Hunters” about other timelines. Stuff about me and you? I’m going to lean back on the couch and sit with my eyes closed. Don’t give me any warning. Wait until I’m not expecting it. Okay?

EDGAR

Uh… sure. I can do that, Mikey. Where to begin? As you know, we dated. You were my Mikey Bear and I was your Panther. Most of our friends thought that we were the worst kind of couple, too in love with each other. Marissa said we were gross. [Chuckle.] You were originally using me to get tier 2 door codes, but you ended up falling in love with the cute gluten-free twink. One time, we were walking to the O.V.E.R. cafeteria together and it was pouring down rain and we only had one umbrella. You were holding it over my head and getting soaked. Hunter ran out of his cabin and offered you a second umbrella and you refused because you said it was more romantic that way. So, yeah, admittedly pretty gross. [Laugh.] And there wasn’t just us. There was a Satellite Base in Latvia with two more Mikes. One of them got married to his Edgar and the other one… well, he was the widow I talked about earlier. The grief… turned him into a cowboy. That’s the best way I can put it. I don’t fully understand it. I think you knew that I had a thing for cowboys and turning into a cowboy was your way of moving on. Cowboy Michael was his name. And he fell in love with another cowboy from this time period and they were very sweet to each other. Michael and Sly. But we didn’t get married until a few years from this time period, after the middle iteration of you got sent back to the Satellite Base–

These stories fade out as the scene transitions. 

We hear outdoor ambiance and the opposite side of the call to Eagle. 

EDGAR [WALKIE]

Eagle, do you copy?

EAGLE 

Loud and clear, boss. Everything okay in there?

EDGAR [WALKIE]

We have decent cooperation. Just conducting some interrogation. The bear sang. There’s a dupe in the back bedroom. He says Jam didn’t know.

EAGLE

You want me to take care of that for you?

EDGAR [WALKIE]

If you could do that while I’m finishing up here, that would be great.

EAGLE

Can do. Goin’ on a bear hunt. Meet me back there when you’re finished. Over and out.

EDGAR [WALKIE]

10-4. Over and out.

We hear Eagle open the cabin door and sneak inside. He opens the door to the back bedroom. MIKE is startled.

MIKE [COWERING]

Uh! You’re not Edgar. Who are you?

EAGLE [SMUG]

Mike Walters, in the flesh! Good to finally meet you, man. My name is Eagle. I’m running muscle for Edgar this evening. He needed a little bit of backup. He’s got his hands tied with another Mike at the moment. Your iteration up front seems to have ratted you out. Tsk tsk. I hate to see iterations turn on each other like that.

MIKE [UNCONVINCING]

Stay back.

EAGLE

That’s a cute little bread knife you’ve got there. I brought a K-Bar, myself. It’s a little more efficient for the task at hand. We’ll talk knives here in a minute. Does Jamilla know about you? They said they were only hosting one stowaway in their cabin. Otherwise, we would have sent two people in for pest control.

MIKE

Jamilla doesn’t know. They were telling the truth. I… I made the iteration after they left the cabin today. Please don’t hurt them.

EAGLE

No one is going to hurt Jam. They are a valuable member of our Base who happened to mess up. We talked it out and I’m here to remedy the problem. I could do the “easy way or the hard way” shit, yadda yadda yadda, but if I’m here it’s because we’re doing things the hard way. Your reputation precedes you.

MIKE

A lot of people have politely asked me to die recently.

EAGLE

I’ll skip the formality, then. I’m going to kill you and your bread knife isn’t going to stop me. You can fight back if you want.

MIKE

The bread knife has worked surprisingly well for me in the past.

EAGLE

Well, whoever it worked on wasn’t me. C’mere!

There is a skirmish. We hear sounds of punching, fighting, Mike’s knife hitting the floor. MIKE and EAGLE both grunt in pain, EAGLE in light pain and MIKE in increasingly worse pain. We hear the sounds of rope being tied. Give me some fight exclamations like “Got you!” or “Ha!” etc.

EAGLE

Oooh, I think I might have broken your shoulder while I was getting your arms behind your back. You’d feel that in the morning if you were still around. You know, it’s funny. There’s an old cowboy iteration of you in another timeline and hogtying was his thing. There’s a section of the Base manual that uses his instructions, I do believe. There’s a section about concussion protocol based on you. Seems that your head was getting smashed into the ground in every timeline, not just this one. Alright, I’ve got you right where I want you. Here’s the plan. I’m gonna let the K-Bar do its job, do some poking around up under that ribcage of yours until I find the important bits, carve ‘em up, and we’ll be out of here in no time. Sound good, Mike?

MIKE [POTENTIALLY CONCUSSED]

Edgar…

EAGLE [SCOFFING]

[Laughs.] Edgar? What, because he was your boyfriend in another timeline? He’s not coming to save you.

We hear a gunshot from the other room.

EAGLE

See? That’s one iteration down. Pop goes the weasel. That’s my cue. Let’s wrap this up so that Edgar doesn’t have to worry about you, too, shall we? Alright, here we go…

We hear the sound of the knife. MIKE groans out in pain.

EAGLE

Remember what this feels like, Mike. Because if I have to do this again, I won’t be so gentle with you. Stay dead, Mike. Do it for Jam. Hell, do it for Edgar. Ooh, there’s the sweet spot. One big twist… and… there we go. It’s over. The good guys win this one. Bye bye, Mike.

We hear the door open during this exchange.

EAGLE

Oh, hey Edgar! I was just finishing up here. It’s all over but the crying. This is the only other iteration, right?

EDGAR

Right, according to the one that I just got done with. We should sweep the whole house just in case.

EAGLE

You’re lucky he fessed up. This one was cowering in a corner back here, but he could have attacked you while your back was turned. Your part of the job went okay though?

EDGAR

As well as it could, all things considered.

EAGLE

Say what you will about your little boyfriend Mike Walters, but that guy sure has a lot of blood inside of him. I made the mess, so I’ll clean it up. You can head out if you want to. I know you’re more of an office work kind of guy.

EDGAR

Thanks, Eagle. I’ll take you up on that. I’m feeling a little lightheaded, honestly. I’ll pass on the message to H and Jam that the problem has been contained and start putting together the paperwork.

EAGLE

Thanks, man. I’ll write out my statement in the morning. [Pause.] You can vouch for Jam, right? This was all a big misunderstanding.

EDGAR

Right. They didn’t even know that Base existed when they tried to save Mikey– Mike… Mike Walters. They’re with us. It might take some time for them to deal with this whole situation, though.

EAGLE

Understandable. Not everyone’s into the whole blood-and-guts thing. [Chuckle.] I’ll keep an eye on Jam, though. Make sure things stay on the up-and-up.

EDGAR

That sounds reasonable. See you at the office tomorrow?

EAGLE

Absolutely. I’m bringing donuts. We’ve all been through a lot these past few days. I think everyone might need something to cheer them up in the morning. Apologize to Jam for me, would ya? I’m no good with that kinda thing and I didn’t mean to make them cry during the interrogation.

EDGAR

[Sighs.] Yeah. I can do that. See you tomorrow, Eagle.

EAGLE

Catch you on the flip side, Edgar.

We hear the cabin door open and close. EAGLE whistles nonchalantly as he cleans.

[SCENE TRANSITION]

We hear the time travel sound. MIKE and EDGAR land in Edgar’s cabin.

MIKE [DISORIENTED]

I’m… I got transported… What’s… Jam!? Who the hell are you!? Where are we? This isn’t Jamilla’s cabin!

EDGAR

Mikey, you’re fine. You’re fine. You’re in my cabin. You’re going to be fine. Jam is safe. A lot happened tonight. Base knows about you. I had to stage a hit in order to get you to safety. I iterated you and sent one of the iterations here. You’re safe in my cabin. Base won’t look for you here. 

MIKE

Jam iterated me before and you still hunted me down, apparently.  How do you know that they won’t hunt me down again?

EDGAR

I don’t know for certain. But I set up a decoy. During the mission, I told Eagle that the iteration that I was there to kill had confessed to the existence of another iteration. Eagle and I killed the second iteration as well. Base is going to think that they already foiled the plot. They don’t know that there was a third Mike.

MIKE

Well, thanks for that I guess. I was a sitting duck in Jam’s cabin and now I’m a hopefully slightly less sitting duck here. A standing duck. Now what?

EDGAR

We’re going to put things back the way they were. I did some digging in the files. And some digging through time, through the failsafe technology we’re developing. I consolidated with an Edgar who remembered the other timeline and then I put things back the way they were so I could work on a real fix. I remember you, Mikey Bear. We’re going back to the other timeline. We’re going to dismantle the Hunter Jeremiah Hartley Base together.

[END THEME PLAYS.]