Episode 101: What A Wonderful Day In The Valley

SUMMARY

[Warning: this episode contains a description of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

Using his astral projection ability, Mike discovers that the Watermelon Mikes have formed their own civilization in the Flinchite Compound. However, when he sees CANNONBALL on the island as well, the Base heads into action to fight CANNONBALL, with the Watermelon Mikes helping them.

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Tony

EPISODE 101: What A Wonderful Day In The Valley

[BEGIN Episode 101.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. Firstly, the 24-hour livestream went amazingly. A ton of people watched and I had an incredible time. You can watch the VOD over on Twitch at twitch.tv/woebegonepod or catch me live on Sundays when I write the episode soundtracks. And if you would like to join some other fans who are solving WOE.BEGONE related mysteries, you should consider joining the Discord, link in description. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, director’s commentaries, Q&As, postcards, Movies With Michael, and more. That’s patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my 10 newest patrons: [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning: This episode contains a description of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

MIKEY: What a wonderful morning! I woke up an hour before my alarm, not tired at all, hopped out of bed ready to start my day on the right foot. This isn’t a common occurrence for me. I think it was a combination of being active during the day, eating right for a change, and going to bed on time. I wish that someone had been around to witness how responsible I was being. Like, look! I had a salad for dinner! Witness me! Okay, it was a big salad with chicken and bacon in it, but all salads are healthy, full stop. Cobb salads, Italian salads, egg salads, healthy. But it was a little low on the carbs, which is why I was so excited that I had already made plans to visit the Oldbrush Valley 24-Hour Diner that morning. Biscuits and gravy, anyone? My first biscuits and gravy in a while, actually. I had worn myself out on them, but that was never going to be a permanent state of things. The gravy, she calls to me. You had best be ready, Latif.

The weather on the walk over to the diner was beautiful, sunny and warm for this time of year. It made me wish that the diner had outdoor seating. I made a mental note to mention that to Latif. I got to the diner ahead of schedule, still in my uncharacteristically good mood. Latif noticed.

MIKEY: “Hey, Mike. Biscuits and gravy, coming right up,” he said. “You look like a million bucks this morning, Mike. Did you get a promotion?”

MIKEY: “Nope,” I said.

MIKEY: “Is it your love life?” he asked.

MIKEY: “No, that’s been the same for a while now,” I said. “I don’t know what it is, actually. I just woke up feeling great. Well-rested. And the weather’s nice for the first time in forever. Just a fortuitous combination of events, I suppose. And I’m early for my meeting. So, can you make that two orders of biscuits and gravy? I’m meeting someone and they’ve never had your biscuits and gravy before.”

MIKEY: “I didn’t know that was possible,” Latif said. “I thought that you brought everyone you’d ever known here at one point or another.”

MIKEY: “Well, they’re not really my friend outside of work,” I said. “We’re sort of… business associates.”

MIKEY: “Gotcha. Go grab your usual booth and I’ll bring your food out when it’s ready,” he said.

MIKEY: I thanked Latif and headed over to my usual booth. There weren’t many people in the diner that morning and the place was quiet and peaceful. Perfect. I relaxed into the comfortable cushion of the booth. The most comfortable cushion in the diner, which is why this was my usual booth. I was fully zen, staring out the window when I saw a silver subcompact car pull into the parking lot. A minute later, the bell attached to the front door of the diner rang and my so-called work acquaintance stepped through the threshold, spotted me, and sat down in the booth opposite me. 

MIKEY: “Jamilla, hey!” I said. “Nice sweater.”

MIKEY: “Well, it had better be nice,” Jamilla said. “It’s an Aran sweater and it came with a certificate of authenticity and instructions for how to wash it that were… complicated. I’m just never going to wash it. What are you smiling about?”

MIKEY: “Smiling? Jamilla, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, smiling.

MIKEY: “I don’t like it when you smile. It looks nefarious,” they said.

MIKEY: “I’m just in a good mood. I don’t know why,” I replied. Latif came over with our two plates of biscuits and gravy. “Latif, hey, this is Jamilla. They work at O.V.E.R. with me. Well, not with me, but we both work at O.V.E.R.,” I said. “Jamilla, this is Latif. I spend all of my paychecks on his biscuits and gravy.”

MIKEY: “Nice to meet you, Latif. I’ve heard good things,” Jamilla said. 

MIKEY: “Well, I hope I meet expectations,” Latif said, smiling politely. “You work at O.V.E.R., huh? Well, as Mike knows, I am hard of hearing in my old age.” He winked at me.

MIKEY: “Good to know,” Jamilla said.

MIKEY: “I’ll leave you to it, then,” Latif said and left the table.

MIKEY: “Damn it. I forgot to tell him my idea about outdoor seating,” I said.

MIKEY: “Outdoor seating, here?” Jamilla asked. “It’s too close to the road, Mike. The cars would be too loud.”

MIKEY: “That’s a good point,” I admitted.

MIKEY: “But that’s not why we’re here,” they said. “So, do you want me to [Whispering.] write them down or what?”

MIKEY [whispering]: “No, just say them. You don’t want any sort of paper trail, even if it’s literal paper. If someone found out that you were giving me codes that I don’t have permission for, they would probably fire you,” I said.

MIKEY [normal volume]: “Fire me? Mike, they’d kill me,” Jamilla said. [Whispering.] “Is it safe to say them here?”

MIKEY: “It’s fine. Latif is hard of hearing,” I said. “He keeps his head down. You can say anything in front of him, it’s fine. He’s good.”

MIKEY: “Alright, I’m taking your word on this. You know him better than I do,” they said. [Whispering.] “Today’s code is 2742553.” They were still speaking in a low voice, despite my assurances that this was a safe location to talk. 

MIKEY: “2742553. 2742553. Got it,” I said. Jamilla winced at me speaking at such a casual volume. “Jamilla, it’s fine. No one here gives a shit,” I assured them. I reached into my back pocket for my wallet, pulled out ten $100 bills, counted them out, and handed it to them. “And here’s your service charge.” Jamilla grabbed the bills hastily, trying to get them out of view as quickly as possible.

MIKEY: “You’re far too nervous about this,” I said. “It actually makes you look more suspicious than if you played it cool.” 

MIKEY: “Well, I’m not used to this, okay? I don’t do this whole espionage, running around, pulling heist stuff like you do. This is new to me,” they said. 

MIKEY: “You should reconsider that. Come join Base. You’d be good at heists, I think,” I replied. “You’re very… dexterous.”

MIKEY: “I do know how to pick a lock,” they said.

MIKEY: “You should teach me sometime,” I replied.

MIKEY: “Mike Walters, how have you made it this far without learning how to pick a lock?” they asked.

MIKEY: “Well, with time travel, I do a lot of moving around doors. It’s really only the door to 116E that gives me trouble, and those don’t have normal locks on them. That’s why I come to you for the codes. There’s locks on stuff in the red flag cabins, but Hunter has the keys for those. Tonight’s heist is really interesting, actually. You see, Hunter–”

MIKEY: Jamilla cut me off. “Don’t. Don’t tell me what you’re doing with the 116E codes. I don’t want to be more complicit than I already am.”

MIKEY: “Right, sorry,” I said. “You’ll take the plunge and join us one day, I think. But if you don’t want to know, then I won’t tell you.”

MIKEY: “Thanks,” they said. “These biscuits and gravy are really good! I see why you talk about them so much.”

MIKEY: “Are they as good as I said they were?” I asked.

MIKEY: “I don’t think that anything is as good as how you said they were,” they said. “But they’re still pretty damn good.”

MIKEY: “I’ll take that,” I said.

MIKEY: “So, enough about work. What are you up to these days?” Jamilla asked.

MIKEY: “Oh, you know, same ol’, same ol’,” I said. “There’s work, and then there’s stuff at Base. Not much bandwidth for anything else.”

MIKEY: “And Base is who, exactly? You and the Hunters?” they asked.

MIKEY: “There’s a few more. You know Chance and Shadow. Anne– uh, she’s an old friend, she doesn’t work at O.V.E.R.,” I said.

MIKEY: “And are there any dating prospects?” they asked.

MIKEY: “Why is everyone so concerned with my dating life?” I asked. “Latif asked me about it when I walked in.”

MIKEY: “Mike, everyone can tell that you need a man to fix you,” Jamilla said. “What about that guy that works at 116E with me, Edgar? I know for a fact that he thinks you’re hot. He isn’t that sweet when other people come in. He only acts that way around you.”

MIKEY: “Definitely not my type,” I replied.

MIKEY: “Well, until someone develops the technology to make Sig from Fullmetal Alchemist into a real person, you’re going to have to settle,” they said. 

MIKEY: “But if someone does develop that technology and I’m already spoken for by that time, then I would be a fool,” I said. “Besides, I don’t know if he told you but we actually went on a date. I brought him here, actually. And he didn’t get biscuits and gravy because he doesn’t eat gluten. So, already off on the wrong foot. And he likes Into The Woods which… I think is… I don’t want to call it bad but also I don’t like it at all? It perturbs me and I think that’s a me thing but I really truly dislike it. And he’s… well, he’s a twink. And that’s fine, the world needs twinks, but he’s not my type. It would never work.”

MIKEY: “Well, if you’re going to date someone from O.V.E.R., you should hurry up and get while the gettin’s good. It seems like everyone’s pairing up,” they said. 

MIKEY: “Seriously. Did you see Troy’s new boyfriend?” I asked.

MIKEY: “Oh, that’s his boyfriend? I thought that was just some other guy who \worked the front gates, since he’s there all the time,” they said.

MIKEY: “No, he doesn’t work there. I’m pretty sure that’s Troy’s boyfriend,” I said.

MIKEY: “Well, good for Troy,” Jamilla said. “He needs someone to make sure that he doesn’t look up at the rain when his mouth is open and drown.”

MIKEY: “Harsh, but… not untrue,” I said. My phone buzzed. I picked it up off the table and checked it. It was a text message from Hunter.

MIKEY: “Huh. Looks like H wants me to stop by his office before I go to work this morning,” I said.

MIKEY [in a singsong tone]: “Ooh, Mikey’s getting called to the principal’s office,” they said.

MIKEY: “What can I say? I’ve been a very naughty boy,” I replied.

MIKEY: “H is the middle one, right?” they asked.

MIKEY: “Correct. Though he doesn’t like being called ‘the middle one.’ Always ‘H,’” I said.

MIKEY: “I think that’s fair,” Jamilla said. “I know that you griped for the longest time about being called Mikey.”

MIKEY: “I’ve made my peace with it,” I said. “It doesn’t even occur to me to be annoyed by it. Everyone calls me Mikey. Mostly ‘cause there are so many other Mikes running around. Gotta keep track somehow.”

MIKEY: “Please don’t tell me how many Mikes there are,” they said. “I don’t want to be dragged further into this.”

MIKEY: “Noted,” I said. “Sorry to eat and run, but now I have to meet with H before work and that changes how much time I have to get stuff done. It was great talking to you. We should do this again sometime, preferably in a way that doesn’t result in me giving you a $1,000.”

MIKEY: “Well, if you buy 10 116E access codes, the 11th one’s free,” they said.

MIKEY: “Ugh. I forgot my stamp card at home,” I said.

MIKEY: “Then this one doesn’t count toward the 10,” they said.

MIKEY: I pulled out another $100 bill and sat it on the table as we stood up to leave.

MIKEY: “We’re heading out, Latif,” I called out across the diner. “I left you a tip. Spend it on something nice, okay?”

MIKEY: “Awful generous today, Mikey,” Jamilla said.

MIKEY: “I told Hunter that the code was going to be $1,500. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” I said. 

MIKEY: “You actually have been a naughty boy,” Jamilla said.

MIKEY: “If I’m naughty, then Robin Hood is a war criminal,” I replied. 

MIKEY: We left the diner and went our separate ways. One meeting down, one more to go. This is WOE.BEGONE.

[Opening theme plays.]

MIKEY: H’s office was as orderly and clean as ever. I don’t know how he does it. If I’m not making a mess out of my work space, then I’m not getting work done. I need things to be out and visible or I forget that they exist. I don’t think that I have object permanence. H was behind his desk, typing away on a laptop. The only other things out on his desk were a framed photo of himself and his mother and a dusty brown cowboy hat.

MIKEY: “Hey, H,” I said. [Exaggerated cowboy accent.] “What in tarnation is that thing on your desk?”

MIKEY: “Found it while digging through my closet this morning. It felt like spring so I did some spring cleaning. Thought I would offer it to anyone who wants it. Do you want it, Mike?” he asked.

MIKEY: “What in the world would I do with a cowboy hat?” I asked.

MIKEY: “I dunno. Wear it?” he said.

MIKEY [laughing]: “Yeah, right,” I chuckled. “Look at me, H. A cowboy, I am surely not.”

MIKEY: “Well, you get into enough shoot-outs to be one,” he said. “How did the meeting with Jamilla go?”

MIKEY: “It went great. No hiccups at all. They gave me the door code, no muss, no fuss. Easy-peasy,” I said.

MIKEY: “My man. Hope it was worth what I paid for it. And sorry that we can’t just do it ourselves. The Hunters have other things to attend to outside of O.V.E.R. tonight.”

MIKEY: “Ooh, a secret Hunter mission. What a mystery,” I said. H furrowed his brow when I said this, as though ‘mystery’ were a curse word to him. “What are the three of you up to?”

MIKEY: “Absolutely none of your business,” he said. “I’m your boss, remember. You don’t need to know everything that I get up to. Speaking of being your boss: I have another job to give you. Today, preferably before the mission that I gave you for tonight.”

MIKEY: “I’m all ears, boss,” I said.

MIKEY: “You’re not going to like it,” he warned.

MIKEY: “Come on, lay it on me, H,” I said. “I’m having a good day. It can’t be that bad.”

MIKEY: “It’s a target,” he said.

MIKEY: “That’s fine. I don’t love killing people, but I’ll manage. It’s not somebody that I know, is it?” I asked.

MIKEY: “I think you know him? Not very well, though. You know the guy from 116E? Edgar?” H asked.

MIKEY [laughing]: “That’s so funny. Jamilla and I were just talking about him this morning. Small world. Sounds like he has a little crush on me. At least according to them. They might be telling tall tales,” I said.

MIKEY: “Can you put those feelings aside and take him out for us?” he asked.

MIKEY: “Yeah, no problem. Maybe Jamilla will stop trying to set us up together if he’s gone,” I said.

MIKEY: “Jamilla knows he’s not your type, right?” H said. “You’re looking for a more Paul Bunyan kind of guy.”

MIKEY: “You’re damn right I am,” I said. “Maybe the cowboy hat will help with that.”

MIKEY: H laughed. “Maybe. But, uh, if Edgar likes you, maybe you can use that. You can’t kill him inside of O.V.E.R. That would be a huge pain to cover up. So, maybe… take him out on a date? Get his guard down, pop him in the back of the head when he isn’t looking. He’ll never know what hit him. And then we can send the body somewhere that no one will ever find him.”

MIKEY: “Couldn’t we just skip to the end and put him somewhere that no one would ever find him? Put him in the middle of the ocean or something?” I asked.

MIKEY: H squinted at me. “You don’t want to do that, Mike. We need him out of the picture, but don’t be nasty. Quick and painless is the way to go. And drowning is neither quick nor painless.”

MIKEY: I huffed. “Alright, fine. I’ll wine and dine him and then I’ll put on the cowboy hat, say ‘End of the line, partner,’ and gun him down. How does that sound?”

MIKEY: “So you are taking the cowboy hat?” H asked.

MIKEY: “Sure, why not?” I said. “It can rot in the back of my closet instead of yours.”

MIKEY: “Oh, uh, [A finger snap.] speaking of cowboys. We’re firing Satellite Base as of tomorrow. So, you might want to stop by and say goodbye while you still can,” he said.

MIKEY: “What does that have to do with cowboys?” I asked. He furrowed his brow at me again.

MIKEY: “Oh, nothing. I was just trying to change the subject,” he said.

MIKEY: “Aw, but I like those guys,” I said. “Are you sure we can’t keep them around?”

MIKEY: “I don’t know why you like them,” he said. “They’re always so mean to you and they’re suspicious of you. But yes, I do think we need to send them home. They’ve outstayed their purpose and their welcome. We don’t need a Base in Latvia anymore. They did what they were sent there to do. And after that, it was useful to have them there for the sake of keeping an eye on the Compound, but we don’t need that anymore, either. We have official communications with the Compound now. If anything, keeping them there is an unnecessary act of hostility towards them.”

MIKEY: “I can’t really rebut any of that, but [Sighs.] I’ll miss having them around,” I said. “Hmm… how about this? You’ve put a lot on my plate today. How about I get them to do the Tier Two mission tonight and, in return, they get to stay. Prove that they can still be useful to us. How about that?”

MIKEY: H put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair, thinking. “Alright, fine. But I’m doing you a favor, bud. I really don’t think that we need them. But I wasn’t expecting you to get sentimental about them.”

MIKEY: “H, I get sentimental over everything,” I said. “I ran out of ink in my pen last night. You know the O.V.E.R. pens that are laying around everywhere? You’ve probably got a dozen in that desk. And so do I. But it still made me sad that I used my pen up. We wrote so much together. Grocery lists and journals and drawing in the margin when I was too distracted to pay attention during meetings. It’s… sad, you know?”

MIKEY: “I truly don’t know, bud. But I’ll take your word for it. You’re not… sentimental about Edgar, are you?” he asked.

MIKEY: “Hell no. It was one date and not a good one. He might as well be a stranger,” I said.

MIKEY: H looked relieved. “Glad to hear it. Let me know when it’s done, okay?”

MIKEY: “Can do. Is that all you wanted to see me about?” I asked.

MIKEY: “Yep. Jamilla’s code, Edgar, and the Satellite Base. That’s about it,” he said. “Oh, uh, [A finger snap.] one more thing. We made some corrections last night. Let us know if anything feels off or you feel any discomfort. We think we accounted for everything, but there’s always the chance.”

MIKEY: “Oh, is that why I feel so good today?” I asked.

MIKEY: “Wouldn’t surprise me,” H said.

MIKEY: “Well, thanks for that, then. I’ll send you a message when the deed is done,” I said. I stood up to leave and grabbed the cowboy hat off of H’s desk.

MIKEY: “Happy hunting,” he said. “Go bag you a panther.”

MIKEY: “Can do, pilgrim,” I said. I didn’t understand why a panther. Maybe that’s a saying in Minnesota? Do they have panthers in Minnesota? That doesn’t sound right.

MIKEY: “Pilgrim is an insult, actually,” H said. “John Wayne calls people ‘pilgrim’ in those movies because he’s saying that they are inexperienced and out of their element. It’s like ‘greenhorn.’ Don’t call your boss ‘pilgrim,’ pilgrim.”

MIKEY: “Huh. I never knew that,” I said. I tipped my hat and opened the door to his office. “Well, catch ya later, partner.”

MIKEY: “See ya, Mike,” he said through the closing door. Two errands down. What a productive day!

[Scene transitions. A knock on a door. The door opens]

MICHAEL: Oh, hey, Mikey! Great to see you. Did you… tell us that you were coming over?

MIKEY: Hey, Michael. Uh, no, I did not. Uh, sorry for the short notice.

MICHAEL: Not a problem. What are you wearing on your head?

MIKEY: It is a cowboy hat.

MICHAEL: Are you a cowboy now?

MIKEY: Hell no. H was cleaning out his closet and he found it and I took it off his hands. What do you think?

MICHAEL: I think that you like it more than you’re letting on.

MIKEY [pfft]: As if.

MICHAEL: No one’s making you wear it, is all I’m saying.

MIKE: Hey, Mikey. Nice hat.

MIKEY: Thank you, Mike. See, Michael? Some people like it.

MICHAEL: Well, I don’t support you turning into some kind of cowboy.

MIKEY: Whatever, I know what jealousy looks like. Look: I came to talk to you because I met with H this morning and he let it slip that they’re going to shut Satellite Base down.

MIKE: Uh, why would they do that?

MIKEY: Their argument is that you guys aren’t useful anymore. Which… they have a point. When was the last time you did something productive for Base? [A pause.] Yeah, you don’t know. You’re sitting around here in Latvia, cashing checks from the Hunters, and doing what, exactly? Getting sloshed with the landlord?

MIKE: His name is Boris and he has a dog, Mikey. We have to get in good with him. This asshole thinks that we shouldn’t have a dog, so Bruno is the only way that I can play with one.

MICHAEL: I’m right. We shouldn’t have a dog. Case in point. We’re getting dismissed. Would you take it home with you to Base? Isn’t Charlie allergic?

MIKE: She’s allergic to cats, idiot.

MICHAEL: And what if you get killed? Which there’s a very high likelihood that you might. It would end up in a shelter.

MIKE: You don’t know that. 

MIKEY: Guys! The reason that I’m here is because I was able to convince H to keep you guys around for awhile. Maybe. He put a lot on my plate this morning and I convinced him that if you guys help me out with some of it that they would reconsider. Are you up for breaking into 116E tonight?

MICHAEL: We can do that. What’s the mission? [A stack of papers is set on the table.]

MIKEY: It’s all laid out in here. It’s a typical Tier Two heist situation. Find the office on the map, break in, put some files on a thumb drive, get out, don’t get noticed. That sort of thing. Code is 2742553. 2742553.

MIKE: Sounds easy enough to me. Michael?

MICHAEL: Works for me. And what will you be doing instead, Mikey?

MIKEY: Killing some guy. Do you guys remember a guy named Edgar that works in 116E?

MIKE: I don’t… think so…

MICHAEL: Yeah, I don’t remember.

MIKEY: That unmemorable, huh? Twink, blond hair, we went on exactly one date at the diner and it didn’t go super well?

MIKE: Doesn’t ring any bells.

MICHAEL: Yeah, this would have been years ago for me, Mikey.

MIKEY: Well, he’s who I’m killing.

MIKE: Did H tell you why he wants you to kill this guy?

MIKEY: No, but I’m sure that it’s the normal reasons. Something happens in the future and it could all be prevented if Edgar was suffering from lead poisoning in the present. So now Edgar gets the second date that he always wanted and goes out with a bang.

MIKE: Damn, Mikey. That’s cold. I don’t like what that cowboy hat is doing to you.

MIKEY: It’s not the hat. I’m trying to psych myself up. I don’t love killing people.

MICHAEL: And it never gets any easier, Mikey, I can promise you that much.

MIKEY: Good, I don’t want it to get easier. I don’t like what that would say about me.

MIKE: I’m surprised that you didn’t offer us that job instead of the easy Tier Two heist.

MIKEY: I thought you would say no to the hit.

MICHAEL: And you’re right about that. I would start packing my bags.

MIKEY: See? I know you guys too well.

MIKE: So, what happens if you go on the date and fall in love with this guy? Will you still be able to go through with it?

MIKEY: No chance of that. If you remembered him you’d understand. He is not our type.

MICHAEL: Wear the cowboy hat. That’ll keep him from getting too close.

MIKEY: That’s not a half bad idea. That would keep him at a safe distance. He’ll be wondering what he ever saw in the weird guy with the cowboy hat.

MIKE: What he saw was perfect eyebrows, probably.

MIKEY: I’ll pull the hat down over my eyebrows, then.

MICHAEL: Good thinking.

MIKEY [sighs]: Welp, [Exaggerated cowboy accent.] I better hit the old dusty trail. There’s murderering to be done.

MIKE: It’s just a pig, Mikey.

MIKEY: Hey! If Edgar is a cop that means I’m a cop.

MIKE: I never said that you weren’t.

MICHAEL: I’ve got to go, too. I need to check the crow traps.

MIKE: Michael is killing for fun now, Mikey.

MICHAEL: I am not! Don’t tell him that. Boris needed it done and it pays extremely well, so I’m doing it.

MIKEY: Well, have fun killing the crows, Michael.

MICHAEL: I won’t. Have fun on your second date, cowboy.

MIKEY: Yeah, I won’t either. See ya.

[The door opens, then closes. Scene transitions.]

MIKEY: “Mmm! This is so good, Mike,” Edgar said, taking a bite of his tikka masala. The restaurant was busy, but dark and intimate as well. I poked at my palaak paneer. “How did you hear about this place?”

MIKEY: “Well, there’s only like 15 restaurants in the whole town,” I said, “and I remembered that you’re gluten-free, so I thought that an Indian restaurant would give you the best chance of being able to pick from the largest possible menu.”

MIKEY: “That is so thoughtful of you,” Edgar said. “I’m surprised that you remembered that I can’t have gluten.”

MIKEY: “Well, I’m a biscuits and gravy kinda guy,” I said, “so it definitely stood out to me when you said that you couldn’t eat any. It’s a shame that you can’t have the naan here. It’s amazing.”

MIKEY: “Oh, is that why you were reluctant to go on a second date? The gluten thing?” he asked.

MIKEY [laughing]: “What, no! Nothing like that,” I said, even though it had definitely factored into my decision. “I just couldn’t decide if we were a good fit for each other.”

MIKEY: “Well, I’ve always wanted a cowboy that I could take home to mom and dad,” he said.

MIKEY: “Yeah, I’m starting to feel self-conscious about the cowboy hat,” I said. “I thought it was funny when I got here, but now I feel like people are staring at me.”

MIKEY: “Let ‘em stare,” Edgar said. “I think you look cute with it on. And we’re in the Wild West, Mike. They’ve had cowboys in here before.”

MIKEY: “Yeah, I suppose so,” I said, feeling a small pang of dread. The cowboy hat was supposed to make him less interested in me, not more! Oh well. New plan. Maybe I wanted him to be more interested in me. Interested enough to get him alone and let his guard down so that I could get the job done. Yeah, that works. Go on, Edgar. Fill up on Indian food and let the nice cowboy into your heart.

MIKEY: The night flew by. The conversation came easily this time. We talked about our families back home, why we came to O.V.E.R., the merits of certain musicals over others. I don’t think that I convinced him that Into The Woods is a bad musical, but I think I convinced him why some other ones might be better. Baby steps. It was a real shame that these were the circumstances of our second date. I could see something in Edgar. Maybe not love, but something. There was a kindness there that refused to be disarmed. I would be snarky or cynical or self-deprecating, but I was always met with kindness and patience. It took me aback at first, but then I began to realize that it wasn’t a put-on. This was how Edgar always was. It was sweet. Too sweet for me, even. 

The sun had fully set and there was a chill in the air by the time we were finished with dinner. Edgar was shivering by the time we made it back to my car.

MIKEY: “Do you want a jacket while the car warms up? It’s going to be awhile,” I said.

MIKEY: “How romantic,” Edgar said.

MIKEY: “Yeah, you look miserable,” I said. 

MIKEY: “I’m not built for the cold,” he replied. I reached in the back seat and grabbed a jacket that I kept there and handed it to Edgar. He put it on and I could see him warming up immediately. I put the car in gear and started driving back towards O.V.E.R.

MIKEY: “Did you have fun tonight?” I asked.

MIKEY: “Oh, tons of fun,” Edgar said. “Honestly, I was a little surprised. I didn’t think you were interested in me.”

MIKEY: “Well, I talked to Jamilla today and you came up and I thought that maybe I didn’t give you a fair shake,” I replied.

MIKEY: Edgar facepalmed. “They told you that I told them that I thought you were hot. And they told you that I like cowboys. I should have known. Jam is such a gossip. But, hey, it worked out, right?”

MIKEY: “Jamilla didn’t tell me the cowboy part,” I said. “That was a coincidence. One of my friends had a hat that he was trying to get rid of.”

MIKEY: “You’re kidding,” Edgar said. “That’s a sign, isn’t it? I don’t think I believe in actual signs, but it’s a metaphorical sign, right?”

MIKEY: “It’s some kind of something, I guess,” I said.

MIKEY: “And did you have fun tonight, Mikey?” he asked.

MIKEY: “Oh, yeah,” I said. “I don’t know where the time went. I guess we got carried away talking about stuff. See, I was scared that we wouldn’t have much in common after our first date. I know that couples don’t have to be into all of the same stuff, but me and my last boyfriend didn’t have enough in common and it ended up being what destroyed our relationship, so I’m wary about that kinda thing. And I am skittish and cautious and easily wounded and a whole bunch of very unsexy un-cowboy fragile little things and why am I still talking?”

MIKEY: “It’s okay, Mikey. You’re okay,” Edgar said. “I think that people need to tell you that more often, from the sounds of things. There’s nothing wrong with being cautious. I understand. And I’m glad that I got to know you tonight. You seem like a really great guy.”

MIKEY: “I don’t know about that,” I replied. “But you seem great, too.”

MIKEY: “Thanks, Mikey. Learn to take a compliment. It will do wonders for you in the long run. You’re a great guy,” Edgar said.

MIKEY: “Yup! I sure am,” I said. “Sorry, that sounded sarcastic. I don’t know how to say it without being sarcastic. Thanks for calling me a great guy, Edgar.”

MIKEY: “That’s an improvement,” he said. 

MIKEY: We drove for a few minutes, until we were truly in the middle of nowhere, on a patch of highway that connected O.V.E.R. to the town. I pulled over and shut off the car and turned off the lights.

MIKEY: “Couldn’t wait to get back to O.V.E.R. to kiss me?” Edgar asked. 

MIKEY: “No, it’s not that. I mean, I would like to kiss you but I could wait to get to O.V.E.R. I’m not that desperate. But I also don’t want Troy to see me kiss you, that would feel weird. But that still isn’t why I pulled over.”

MIKEY: “Then why did you pull over?” he asked.

MIKEY: “I thought I saw something… I don’t know… a panther? On that ridge there,” I pointed out the passenger side window out into the wilderness. Why did I say a panther? H had gotten the word ‘panther’ stuck in my head and it was the only thing that I could think of.

MIKEY: “A panther?” he asked.

MIKEY: “Yeah, like a mountain lion. A cougar. You know, a panther,” I said. “Look.” I pointed again out the window.

MIKEY: Edgar looked out the window, cupping his hands against the glass to better see out into the darkness. “I don’t think I see it, Mikey,” he said. 

MIKEY: I steadied my pistol, brought it as close as I could to the back of Edgar’s head without touching it, held my breath, and squeezed the trigger. There was a loud pop and Edgar slumped against the window he had been pressed against, dead instantly. The bullet exited and struck the window, cracking it but not shattering it. Blood dripped down Edgar’s face and into the seat under him. I sat the gun in the center console, pulled out my phone, and called H. My hands were shaking. I had actually done it. I hadn’t been sure that I had it in me, but I actually did it. 

MIKEY: H answered the phone. “You gotta do it, Mike. Those are orders,” he said.

MIKEY: “What? No, I actually did it, H,” I said.

MIKEY: “Oh. I didn’t think you’d be able to go through with it. Hell yeah. Great job, buddy. Where are you, exactly?” he asked. I told him exactly where I was and how to pinpoint it exactly as possible for extraction. “That is great, Mike. I’m super proud of you. Did he put up a fight?” H asked. I could hear the beaming smile on his face through the phone.

MIKEY: “Nope. His guard was completely down. I did exactly as you said. Quick and painless. Shot up my car in the process, though. Think Base can swing paying for the damages?” I asked.

MIKEY: “Damages? We’ll buy you a new car, Mike. That one is evidence in a potential murder trial. No need to keep it around,” H said. “That thing’s going to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean with Edgar.”

MIKEY: “Oh, uh, kay. It’s just… you know this morning I was telling you about being sentimental. And I’m sentimental about my car. I’ve just– I’ve had it for so long,” I said.

MIKEY: “Yeah, but we don’t want you in jail feeling sentimental about what being able to go outside is like,” H said. “The car goes with Edgar. That’s an order.”

MIKEY [tightly]: “Yes, boss,” I said.

MIKEY: “I know that you’re calling me ‘boss’ to make me feel bad about giving you orders, but it actually just empowers me,” he said. “Get out of the car. The whole thing goes in the drink in five minutes. This isn’t a negotiation.”

MIKEY [sighing]: “Fine. And the other Mikeys are doing the Tier Two heist. I’ll let you know how it went as soon as I know. Are you going to let them stay?” I asked.

MIKEY: “For now. We’ll see how the mission goes before making a decision,” H said. “Alright, well, let’s put some plans into action. Thanks, Mike, you made my whole night, you don’t even know. I’ll see you soon.”

MIKEY: “Yep. See ya, H,” I said. I heard the click of H hanging up the phone. I sighed and got out of the car. The walk to O.V.E.R. would take a couple hours.

MIKEY: The adrenaline wore off as I walked and I was able to have a clearer head about things. Things had actually gone extremely well. It was a shame that Edgar had to die. He seemed like a really sweet guy. But he did have to die. It was an order from top brass and if they wanted it done, there was a reason for it. They did not give orders frivolously. Edgar died after having a delicious last meal, full of loving feelings, and not ever knowing what hit him. He was dead by the time his forehead hit the glass of the window. I did a good job. Great even.

I received a message on my walk home. It was Mike and Michael. “Heist went off without a hitch. Files are ready to pick up at your earliest convenience.” And with that, everything was stricken from the to-do list. Everything went perfectly. The chilly air on the walk home was exhilarating. What a wonderful day in the valley. 

[There’s a forest near my house and I can smell when something dies there plays.]

there’s a forest near my house
and I can smell when something dies there
limped off the highway
leaking blood into the snow
new moon fully darkened
paralyzed and paranoid
terrified and tired
fresh meat for the scavengers
vantage point from here:
things inevitable
feel inevitable
when they don’t happen to you
no, someone else will surely do
safety for how long is
decided by the rows
of teeth in your mouth
verses claws against your throat
how would you fare
how far would you dare
push the line
it is time to eat

and I can smell when something dies out there
there’s a forest in my house
and I can’t cut down the branches
key in the lock and then I’m
locked into the storm
warmed up fully dried off
animus and animal
reflexes and skin
signal give me permission
vantage point is lost
what separates us from them
seems inevitable
when the mirror’s put away
surely someone else can pay
there’s a forest near my house
and I can smell when something dies there
limped off the highway
leaking blood into the snow
new moon fully darkened
paralyzed and paranoid
terrified and tired
fresh meat for the scavengers
vantage point from here:
things inevitable
feel inevitable
when they don’t happen to you
no, someone else will surely do
safety for how long is
decided by the rows
of teeth in your mouth
verses claws against your throat
how would you fare
how far would you dare
push the line
it is time to eat
and I can smell when something dies out there
there’s a forest in my house
and I can’t cut down the branches
key in the lock and then I’m
locked into the storm
warmed up fully dried off
animus and animal
reflexes and skin
signal give me permission
vantage point is lost
what separates us from them
seems inevitable
when the mirror’s put away
surely someone else can pay

[Closing theme plays.]

BLOOPER (MIKEY): I think you know him, uh, not very well though. You know the guy from 116E? Edgar? [Whispering.] People are going to fucking scream.

[End Episode 101.]