95: Who Taught Michael About Chessboxing?

SUMMARY

This is one of those fights where everyone ends up closer together at the end, right?

TRANSCRIPT

Original transcript edited by Orion and reviewed by Jenah

[BEGIN Episode 95.]

INTRO: Hey guys, quick plugs. First of all, this is the last episode of WOE.BEGONE before Christmas, and so I wanted to wish everyone happy holidays, and use this time to reflect about how grateful I am for people who listen to the show and participate in the community and make WOE.BEGONE what it is. I could get sappy about this all day, but I just wanted to say thank you, I appreciate you. 

I’m not streaming on Twitch this Sunday, so I’ll use this spot to plug my beat tape, the American Bison, also known as WOE.BEGONE Beats to Work/Sleep/Study To. You can listen to that on the feed as a bonus, or at woebegonepod.bandcamp.com, where it is a free download, separated by tracks, and will be available on streaming services soon. 

If you want to support the show, you can do so on Patreon at patreon.com/woe_begone, where you can get early access to ad-free episodes, instrumentals, soundtrack albums, Q&A’s, directors, commentaries, Movies with Michael, postcards, and more. We just passed a thousand dollars a month on the Patreon, and I did a special stream where I drank Pepsi and milk together. It was an experience. If you’d like to come join the festivities and the fun, again, that is patreon.com/woe_begone. Special thanks to my ten newest patrons [REDACTED] for supporting the show. Enjoy.

[Warning. This episode contains a depiction of violence. Listener discretion is advised.]

MIKEY: Okay, uh, this. [Moves a chess piece.] Was that a good move?

MICHAEL: Classic mistake, Pilgrim. Never ask your opponent if you’re doing a good job.

MIKEY: Michael, I-I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean, I know how the pieces move, but I don’t know anything about how–

MICHAEL: That’s check, Pilgrim.

MIKEY: Oh, shit, fuck, I hate this. This feels like my brain’s on fire.

MICHAEL: Come on, clock’s ticking, Mikey. 

MIKEY [mumbling]: Um, um, um.

MICHAEL: Make a move. 

MIKEY [mumbling]: No… uh.

MICHAEL: You’re running out of time, soldier.

MIKEY: How about, uh, [Moves a chess piece.] that?

MICHAEL: Well, it got you out of check, and gives you a second to breathe. Weren’t paying good enough attention to my bishop, though. But that’s the end of the chess round. Now, put him up.

MIKEY: [Sighs.] Michael, can we just play chess? I don’t want to box you.

MICHAEL: That’s the whole point of chessboxing, Pilgrim. Now put ‘em up. No shots at the head, though. I ain’t trying to get no one hurt the night before a mission.

MW: I’m holding on to the calculator in case he kills you, Mikey.

MIKEY: Thank you, MW. That’s… good to know, I guess.

MICHAEL: Cool your jets. I ain’t gonna kill him. Just rough him up a little bit.

MIKEY: But, chessboxing only ends once someone has won at chess or boxing. Don’t you need to go for the head to win at boxing? How does someone win if they can’t hurt their opponent too much?

MW: Well, that’s easy. I’m officiating. 

MIKEY: You can’t judge the boxing match. That’s not fair. You’re his sidekick.

MW: No, I ain’t.

MIKEY: Who taught Michael about chess boxing? Was it you?

MW: I don’t know. It’s pretty popular on the internet right now. 

[Michael punches Mikey.]

MIKEY: Hey!

MICHAEL: Enough blabbing. Start punching. I’m done waiting around, Mikey.

[Michael and Mikey exchange punches.]

MIKEY: It’s weird to think about you using the internet. [Breathes heavily.] I guess I picture you sitting around smoking your pipe and reading the paper. Something old-timey.

MICHAEL: I’m you, you filthy varmint. Of course I use the internet.

MIKEY [out of breath]: You’re me a decade from now. You getting tired, old man?

MICHAEL: [Heavy exhale.] I’ll rest when I’m dead. Come on, Mikey. Hit hard.

[Michael and Mikey grunt and continue boxing.]

MIKEY: Michael, that really hurt.

MICHAEL: Good. It was supposed to. 

MW: The round of boxing’s ended. Return to chess. 

MIKEY: I’m supposed to play chess again after that? Look, Michael, I understand keeping morale high so that we can go into the rescue mission with our best foot forward, and I get that that means being a little violent because we’re going to have to amp ourselves up to kill Ryan and Cannonball in all likelihood. We can’t let them run off to who knows where again, but we’ve got to take it easier than this. We can’t be in tip-top fighting shape if we’re injured.

MICHAEL: You’re back in check, Pilgrim.

MIKEY: I think you hit me in the kidney.

MICHAEL: You got two of them. Now get yourself out of check.

MIKEY: Michael, do we have to? Ever since you took my queen, we’ve just been putting off the inevitable.

MICHAEL: Go down fighting hard, Mikey. Have some dignity.

MIKEY: I’ve already used up all the time on my clock, and I used up my dignity years ago, Michael.

MW: I got the calculator if you wanna fix the time. Don’t know if I can fix your dignity. 

MIKEY: There, I made a move. Go ahead, Michael.

MICHAEL: Checkmate. You let me win, you scoundrel.

MIKEY: If I didn’t let you win, I was going to have to box you again.

MICHAEL: Well, sorry, you didn’t like chess boxing. I’m just trying to orchestrate a fun night for the three of us, cause we ain’t gonna have very many of them for a while. 

MW: I’m having fun, Michael.

MIKEY: Then would you like to take over chess boxing for a while, MW?

MW: If I took over, who’d officiate?

MIKEY: I would, obviously. 

MW: You know how to officiate chess boxing? You admitted yourself you don’t know much about boxing nor chess.

MIKEY: Did you? When did you learn this?

MW: I know what I know and that’s enough.

MIKEY: You’re both lucky that I’m terrible at both of these things because otherwise it would be obvious that this is rigged against me.

MICHAEL: Maybe I picked the wrong sport, partner. I just wanted the place to be lively on our last free night. 

MW: Yeah, tomorrow’s gonna suck, huh? I’m not looking forward to building that thing. Why does it have to be all metal? Why can’t we make it out of two by fours? 

MIKEY: It has to be all metal on the outside because it’s a Faraday cage. 

MW: I’m still unclear on how a Faraday cage helps us.

MIKEY: We’re not sure that it does, but we’re copying someone else’s homework and the Compound is getting all A’s and we’re sort of failing.

MW: And of course, after we build the damn thing, we gotta use it and that’s gonna be bloody. And after all that settled, we gotta figure out this EdMan MDawg situation, which could also be bloody. But man, it’s not gonna be fun for a while. 

MICHAEL: Ain’t no rest for the wicked.

MIKEY: It’s gonna be a big push, but once we’re through it, all the fires are out, right? And Base can make progress for a change like it’s supposed to. And we’ve got Cole’s code to build off of. I guess the elephant in the room is… [Sighs.] August killing Hunter.

MICHAEL: That ain’t a fire that needs puttin’ out.

MIKEY: I didn’t say it was, I said it was an elephant in the room. We have to learn what happened eventually to keep Base afloat.

MW: We don’t gotta talk about that, we can just enjoy ourselves tonight. 

MICHAEL: I’m enjoying myself. Come on, Mikey, you had a little fun roughhousing with me, right?

MIKEY: I liked the parts where I hit you, I didn’t really like the parts where you hit me.

MW: It ain’t boxing without both, I’m afraid. 

MICHAEL: We can do something else, Mikey. It’s your party. It was your idea for the Mikes to stay together tonight. You could be home with your Edgar, and I could be home with Sly right now. 

MW: And I could be alone in the apartment.

MIKEY: I can’t believe you’re bringing him with us tomorrow. 

MW: They got permission from Base, Mikey.

MICHAEL: Sly helped y’all rescue me from the Flinchite Compound. Surely he’s earned his stripes by now.

MIKEY: He has come in quite handy, but that was before we knew that he killed Hunter. 

MW: You clearly wanna talk about this, huh, Mikey? Instead of enjoying ourselves.

MIKEY: I just want to understand him better before we bring him into the fold, get a good read on him.

MICHAEL [angrily]: Oh, I bet you do.

MIKEY: What is that supposed to mean?

MW: Michael, we don’t gotta do this tonight. 

MICHAEL: Yeah, we do, if he’s gonna keep bringing up Sly.

MIKEY: What are you two talking about?

MICHAEL: I’m sick and tired of you treating Sly like crap. He’s all I got. I don’t got an Edgar. I don’t got no one.

MIKEY: You’ve got me and MW.

MICHAEL: Some companion you are. Snooping around behind my back.

MIKEY: Michael, what is this about?

MICHAEL: Fess up, Mikey. I know you bugged Sly’s place.

MIKEY: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 

MW: It ain’t too late to drop this.

MICHAEL: Come on, Pilgrim. I seen it with my own two eyes. We found one in the bedroom and one in the living room. We’ve been tiptoeing around, planning our every move and avoiding ‘em for weeks. We tore Sly’s whole place apart looking for more of them. Remember spring-cleaning? That weren’t a coincidence.

MIKEY: Is spring-cleaning in the footage? I haven’t seen it. That’s Edgar’s job.

MW: So now we got an admission from–

MIKEY: Yes, we bugged August’s house! He killed Hunter, Michael. He jeopardized everything that we’re working towards, everything you’re working towards. We all put our lives on the line to claw back to where we are and we’re not throwing that away. Remember the night of ramifications? I gunned Innocent Hunter down in extremely cold blood so that we could have everyone back. He didn’t put up a fight and I killed him anyway. That’s how dedicated I was. You and Mike killed the other two. We got back here to this shitty apartment. You were halfway dead, wailing about if we corrected the mission that we would be killing Edgar. All of that is for nothing if the truce with the Hunters falls through.

MICHAEL: The truce ain’t gonna fall through or it woulda already. Mikey, we don’t know what happened. Edgar said that sly killing Hunter was a good thing.

MIKEY: No, Mustardseed said that.

MICHAEL: He weren’t lying. Why would Mustardseed lie about that?

MIKEY: Probably to protect himself from you. He probably didn’t want you throwing a tantrum in the Compound while you were both in there. 

MW: No hitting below the belt, first warning.

MICHAEL: That don’t make sense and you know it. He would have told me it was someone else if he was just trying to coddle me.

MIKEY: This fucking motorcycle cowboy comes into our lives and all of a sudden, Edgar start getting picked off across the country. You expect me to think that’s a coincidence? What if “Badger” is hunting down your ex-husband for sport?

MICHAEL: You fucking ingrate, how dare you? 

MW: Second warning, no hitting below the belt. Next time’s a DQ. That’s way over the line, Mikey.

MIKEY: How dare I what, Michael? Notice the order in which events occur?

MW: I ain’t picking sides, but that don’t sound like a fair assessment to me. So I don’t got a calculator to go globe-hopping with.

MIKEY: Unless Michael has been leaving one out around him.

MICHAEL: Edgar fucking died, Mikey. He ain’t my ex-husband. [Shaky breath.] You’re gonna have to face it the same way I did.

MIKEY: Oh, you mean when Sylvester August Baxter shows up to gun him down?

MICHAEL: You [Stands up.] fucking apologize.

MW: Mikey, do you actually believe that or are you just trying to hurt Michael? 

MIKEY: [Scoffs.] Why would I ever want to hurt Michael? Is it because he kills every Mikey that looks at him funny? The only reason I’m still here is because I got lucky and Base would call for his head if Michael killed me. The real question is why I abided this for so long.

MICHAEL: You apologize to me right fucking now.

MIKEY: Fuck you. 

MW: Mikey, we got important work to do together tomorrow. Can we squash this?

MIKEY: Squash this like Michael squashes Mikeys? 

MW: That wordplay felt like a bit of a reach.

MICHAEL: That can be arranged, Pilgrim. 

MIKEY: Hey!

[Michael grabs Mikey and begins fighting him.]

MICHAEL: You need to take it back, pilgrim.

MW: You need to calm down, someone’s gonna get hurt.

MIKEY: Get the fuck off me!

[Michael and Mikey continue fighting.]

MICHAEL: Disrespectin’ me…

MW: Hey, Michael, Michael, let go of him. Hey! Hey!

[Michael grunts heavily, but stops.]

MW: Childish. Are we gonna calm down, stop wrecking the place? 

[Michael and Mikey breathe heavily.]

MIKEY: I’m-I’m bleeding.

MW: Yeah, that looks pretty bad. I’m gonna go grab some towels, be right back.

MIKEY: Michael, I thought you said no headshots tonight.

MICHAEL: We ain’t playing around anymore. You apologize to me.

MIKEY: I’m not going to apologize from wanting to see what the stranger that you drug into our midst is up to. Michael, this is life or death, and you wanna play cowboy and it’s gonna get us killed.

MICHAEL: You got sly all wrong and you know it. You met the guy, you know that ain’t him.

MIKEY: Okay, then prove it. Prove that he didn’t kill Edgar. Huh?

[Michael grumbles angrily.] 

MIKEY: Can you do that?

MIHCAEL: Edgar dies of a brain hemorrhage. Ain’t nothing no one can do.

MIKEY: Oh shit.

MICHAEL: We tried. I tried for a year of my life, correcting this, correcting that. It’s like a time bomb. It comes out of nowhere and there’s nothing anyone can do. It only got worse after trying solution after solution, knowing that no matter what we tried, nothing would work. It destroyed me, Mikey. It annihilated me. It’s a miracle that I survived. I came here to start over because it was my only option. See if I can help out back when I was Mikey and things were just getting started. Now I’m standing here, got you pinned up against the wall, bleeding from a cut on your head, screaming to you. It all got away from me.

MIKEY: There’s really nothing we can do?

[Silence.]

MIKEY: I’m sorry, Michael. You and Edgar wouldn’t tell us. We didn’t know… I should not have accused August. That was cruel, and I’m sorry.

MICHAEL: Well, Mikey, are you relieved to finally know the truth?

MIKEY: No, I wish you had never told me, and I should not have goaded you into it. 

MW: I have returned with hydrogen peroxide, bandages and towels. Are we simmering down now?

MICHAEL: We’re getting there, but we can’t just slap a bandage on that. Cut’s too big, gotta stitch it together. I got an emergency kit under the bathroom sink. I’ll go get it.

MW: Alright, I’ll start cleaning him up. So, Mikey, you know about Edgar now? 

MIKEY: I do… he told you about Edgar?

MW: Not on purpose. That was a really scary night, but it all came out eventually. Mikey, are you concussed? 

MIKEY: I don’t think so. I don’t feel concussed.

MW: Well, thank god for that. I don’t know how many concussions you got left in you.

MIKEY: He should have just told us about Edgar. 

MW: You know Michael. He sees it as his burden to bear. And it’s not good for information from the future to start propagatin’. Might seem like it won’t have any effect, but we got no way of knowing. This information created Mustardseed. It might be capable of worse. He’s being careful. He’s using taking care of us as an excuse to be selfish and bullheaded, but he is protecting us in the process. 

MIKEY: I hate that you’re a cowboy. I miss Mike.

MW: Mike might have come in handy tonight to break this fight up.

MIKEY: So what do you think about August, MW?

[Michael punches something in the bathroom.]

MW: He’s sulking in there. He’ll be a lot easier to manage after he gets a second to cool off. You know, I like Sly. I think that he’s trying his damnedest to do right by Michael, which is an impossible task since Sly’s new to all this time travel stuff. Not to turn Michael into too much a shaggy dog, but he’s carrying around suffering. And Sly stepped up and shouldered the weight like it came naturally to him, and I think that’s admirable. I don’t know about the Elder Hunter business, but I have my theories, and some of them are bad news, but they’re all conjecture.

MIKEY: I’m starting to feel really guilty about flying off the handle. 

MW: Well, maybe boxing weren’t such a good idea. It gets emotions running high, but I get it. You’re jealous on Edgar’s behalf, even though Edgar isn’t jealous, which makes you feel guilty about feeling jealous, and the further Michael drifts away from you, the more you see it as a criticism of who you are and who he once was. 

MIKEY: How concise and clear-headed of you.

MW: Michael got me into journaling when I moved in. It’s been really elucidating. I can just write shit like that down and see if it sticks, and I’ve learned a lot about myself. 

MIKEY: Oh, good to know. I’ve started like a dozen journals, and the first day I miss, I never pick it up again. 

MW: Yeah, that’s pretty typical. Oh, hey, welcome back, Michael. You cool down in there?

MICHAEL: Yeah, I splashed some water on my face. Mikey, you gonna be okay with me stitching you up?

MIKEY: Yeah, I think so. This is one of those fights where everyone ends up closer together at the end, right?

MICHAEL: Yeah, I think so, too. You gotta hold real still, and it ain’t gonna feel very good, okay?

MIKEY: I know. I’ve been stitched up before, Michael.

MICHAEL: Yeah, but I ain’t as good at it as Anne is. You ready?

MIKEY: As ready as I’ll ever– Ah!

MICHAEL: Don’t move around, Mikey. I gotta do about five more, okay?

MIKEY: Five? Okay, fine. I’m sorry that I was so resentful of August.

MICHAEL: You wanna help get rid of that footage for us, then?

MIKEY: G-Get rid of it? What’s on it?

MICHAEL: Our personal business and nothing more.

MIKEY: Well, if there’s nothing damning on it, then why do you care?

MICHAEL: Do you hear yourself right now, Mikey? Seriously?

MIKEY: Alright, good point. But it’s not like I can just delete it. They’ll see that it’s missing.

MICHAEL: Well, that’s why you replace it with some dummy footage. Make it so they think that they’re looking at a live feed when really they’re looking at a loop.

MIKEY: I’m starting to suspect that you’ve thought a lot about this.

MICHAEL: I was gonna do it myself, but if you’re on board, it’ll be a lot easier for you to traipse into Edgar’s office and swap the drives, right?

MIKEY: This would be a big fuck you to base.

MICHAEL: You ain’t interrupting a morally just action here, Mikey. You’re setting things how they should be.

MIKEY: If August really isn’t a danger to us, then we shouldn’t be watching his house like this, I agree.

MICHAEL: Are you saying that you’re gonna help me, Mikey? 

MIKEY: Ah, shit. 

MICHAEL: That’s the last one. You’re all stitched up.

MIKEY: If I help you with this, then you have to get to the bottom of the Elder Hunter stuff. Understand?

MICHAEL: I think that that’s a reasonable trade.

MIKEY: And I’m the one swapping the drives, so if things don’t go the way that I want, then I will issue a correction. Do you understand?

MICHAEL: Understand. That’s pretty smart, Mikey.

MIKEY: Yeah, I know. I know how to play both sides. I do it all the time, and that’s how this is going to work. Thank you for stitching me up.

MICHAEL: Apologies for giving you something that needed stitching up.

MW: There, both of you said what you needed to hear from each other. Can we finally get back to enjoying our last night off? 

MIKEY: Yeah, okay, but I’m not boxing Michael again, or playing chess for that matter. The chess wasn’t that much better than the boxing.

MICHAEL: How about you, MW? You think you can take me at chessboxing? I still got some fight left in me.

MW: Bring it on, Michael, if you think you can take on Mike “Six-Shooter” Walters.

MICHAEL: As if you stand a chance against Michael “The Shark” Walters.

MIKEY: Was I supposed to prepare a nickname for this? I didn’t prepare a nickname.

MICHAEL: Well, maybe that’s why you lost, partner.

MW: You want to start with the boxing round first? I’ve been sitting on the sidelines. I’m raring to go.

MICHAEL: Bold choice, Emdubya. I’m still full of adrenaline, but if you say so.

MIKEY: Alright, gentlemen, I want to see a good, clean fight. No hitting below the belt, no hitting the head, and no inflicting emotional damage.

MICHAEL: A surprisingly important addition to the rules. You ready, Emdubya?

MW: One second.

MIKEY: Oh, shirt’s coming off. 

MW: I got him that sweater for Christmas. Alright, I’m ready.

MIKEY: Alright, three minutes on the clock. And… Fight! 

[MW and Michael box.]

MICHAEL: Come here.

MW: You gotta catch me, Michael. I’m faster than you.

[MW and Michael exchange blows.]

MW: Ol’ cowboy can’t keep up.

MIKEY: Hey, watch the toes. 

MW: There you go, Michael.

[Boxing fades out.]

[Closing Theme plays.]

BLOOPER (MICHAEL): Emdubya, you really think you can take me at Chex… at Chex Mix? I’m the world heavyweight Chex Mix champion.