92: Am I Dead?

SUMMARY

Ed Man? M-Dawg?

LOUD NOISE TIMESTAMP:

20:42 – 20:50

CREDITS:

Harlan Guthrie as Sylvester August Baxter

Jamie Petronis as Matt

Jeremy Enfinger as Edgar

TRANSCRIPT

WOE.BEGONE EPISODE 92: AM I DEAD?

MATT

This is a mighty fine weapon, August. Thanks for the firepower.

AUGUST

Any time. And please, call me Sly. That’s the trusty Mossberg 500 you’re holdin’ there. It’ll get you out of a pinch no problem. Got us out of the Flinchite compound in… mostly one piece. I think it can handle Ed Man and M Dawg. You can keep that’n if you want.

MATT

Really? That’s too kind of you, Sly.

AUGUST

Ain’t nothin’. Michael here duplicated it, so we got as many as we need. You boys got your pistols ready?

MW

Yup.

MIKEY [Grumbling]

Yes.

AUGUST

Always good to diversify. Short range, medium range, long range… tank.

MICHAEL

Everything alright over there, Mikey boy?

MIKEY

Everything’s fine. I’m ready to get this over with.

MICHAEL

You wanna head back to the tank and wait with Marissa?

MIKEY

No, I don’t.

MW [Imitation cowboy]

Then you best be buckin’ up, soldier.

AUGUST

[Chuckles.] Oooh, I like this one, Big Bear.

MICHAEL

I’m rubbin’ off on ‘im.

AUGUST

You wanna come out to the ranch and ride horses and shoot the shit sometime, MW?

MW

I reckon I would.

AUGUST

Matt and Mikey, you’re free to tag along too, ya know. Mikey, I ain’t talked to you in a dog’s age.

MIKEY

I think I’ll sit this one out.

MATT

Count me in, Sly.

AUGUST

Say, Matt, you’ve been keepin’ an eye on these two fellas, right? Ed Man and M Dawg? What should we be expectin’? Are we walkin’ into a gunfight or a negotiation?

MATT

I’m not sure what to expect. They try extremely hard to give off the impression that they are laid back and relaxed. Their Instagram makes it seem like they’ve gone full Parrothead– or whatever the version of a Parrothead is where it goes all the way around from being ironic back to being sincere again. And without listening to Jimmy Buffet. Calling themselves Ed Man and M Dawg, wearing Hawaiian shirts, the whole nine yards. Just Ed Man and M Dawg, kickin’ back and relaxing in style in Vancouver. Ed Man and M Dawg. Ed Man and M Dawg–

MIKEY

Please stop saying “Ed Man and M Dawg.”

MATT

What’s wrong, M Dawg?

MIKEY

Don’t call me that.

MATT

[Grinning.] Mikey hates it.

AUGUST [TEASING]

Is that true, M Dawg?

MIKEY

You don’t need to give them any more ammunition than they already have, Matt.

MICHAEL

M Dawg ain’t that bad a nickname, Mikey. It ain’t too far off from M-Dubya and that’s a fine name. Ain’t that right, M-Dubya?

MW

Don’t bother me none.

MATT

So, it seems like smooth sailing for Ed Man and M Dawg. Everything appears to be on the level. Too on the level, if you ask me. They write in their Instagram descriptions about how they’re making up for lost time and all that, but it all feels too precious. It’s too much. It feels like they’re establishing alibis for something. They’re always going to events and small business grand openings. Anything that they can take a picture in front of that establishes exactly where and when they were. What the alibis are for? I have no idea.

MICHAEL

Could be for huntin’ down our escapees.

MW

Not that an alibi means jack shit when time travel is on the table.

MIKEY

They shouldn’t be able to time travel. As far as we know, they don’t have Calculators or access to O.V.E.R. or to anyone else with the technology.

MICHAEL

It don’t all add up. We ain’t privy to some aspect of the story. Which is why we ain’t consolidatin’ ‘em with MW here. Somethin’s fishy.

MATT

That might actually be the fish. We’re in Kitsilano, which is right on the bay.

AUGUST

Remind me to put goin’ fishin’ to our to-do list. Assumin’ that things don’t take a turn out here, I mean.

MATT

I haven’t been fishing in ages. Maybe since we went fishing at Glacier, Mikey.

AUGUST

You been to Glacier? I live out that way!

MATT

No kidding! Small world.

MIKEY

Can we focus, please? We need to be prepared, because we don’t know how this is going to go.

MATT

We are burning daylight out here. And I’m excited to meet Ed Man and M Dawg face-to-face.

MICHAEL

You wanna do the honors and ring that there doorbell then, Matt?

MATT

You got it, Michael.

We hear MATT ring the doorbell.

INTRO THEME PLAYS.

MIKEY

Remember: be cordial. We don’t know what we’re walking into. They might roll over and give us everything that we want without a fight. We just don’t know.

AUGUST

I’m cool as a cucumber, pal.

MICHAEL

Always are, Badger.

AUGUST

I am when you’re around, Big Bear.

MATT

Badger? Big Bear? Cute.

MIKEY Scoffs.

MATT

I’m optimistic. Maybe Ed Man and M Dawg truly are just some super chill guys, living the good life in luxury out here in Kitts. … Though that doesn’t sound like any Mike Walters that I’ve ever met. Ooh, maybe they went to therapy.

We hear the door open.

EDGAR

Well well well, if it isn’t Mikey bear! And Michael the cowboy. And Matt. And… well, the whole army’s here. To what do I owe the visit?

MICHAEL

Howdy, Ed Man. Nice to see ya. This here’s August. I don’t believe you two have been acquainted.

AUGUST

Howdy, Edgar.

EDGAR

Nice to meet you, August. [Surprised] Oh. Wow, that is one firm handshake you’ve got there, cowboy.

MATT

I thought he was going to tear my arm off when I met him this morning.

EDGAR

And you can call me Ed Man. I’d prefer it, actually.

AUGUST

Likewise, you can call me Sly.

EDGAR

Wonderful. I love meeting new people, especially people important to Mikey Bear. And I suppose that you are here to kill us? Or maybe just me? [Wryly] The shotguns tipped me off that something might be awry.

AUGUST

We’re trying to avoid usin’ ‘em if at all possible, Ed Man.

EDGAR

I appreciate that– and I would believe you if you hadn’t also parked a tank on my lawn with its gun pointed directly at us. We have neighbors, you know. They can see that.

MIKEY

Marissa is waiting out there in the tank. We give the word, she opens fire. We don’t check in after 2 hours, she opens fire. She receives a correction message from Base, she opens fire.

MICHAEL

Sorry to mess up yer lawn and get the HOA breathin’ down yer neck.

MATT

HOAs aren’t as much of a thing up here, actually, I don’t think. Unless you live in a strata, I guess. [Pause] A strata is just what people around here call a condo. Everything here is a little bit different and sometimes it feels like it is just for the sake of being different.

EDGAR

[Laughs.] M Dawg and I are still learning the language. Would you like to come in? I’m getting cold standing in the doorway.

AUGUST

If’n you don’t mind, Ed Man. Not surprised you’re cold. ‘Tis a bit nipply out here to be wearin’ a Hawaiian shirt. It is a nice shirt, though. I don’t think I ever seen a Hawaiian shirt with dinosaurs on it.

EDGAR

Oh, thank you, Sly. It’s cold out, but the Hawaiian shirt is a necessity. Think of it like your cowboy hat, Michael.

MICHAEL

Now you’re speakin’ my language, Ed Man.

EDGAR

Then come inside. I don’t suppose that I can convince you all to take your shoes off in the doorway…?

AUGUST

No sir.

EDGAR

Thought that I would ask anyway. [CALLING OUT OFF MIC] M Dawg! Base’s army is here to kill us! Put on the coffee if you don’t mind!

M DAWG [FROM OTHER ROOM]

How many?

EDGAR [OFF MIC]

Five!

MW

Six, if you count Marissa.

EDGAR

Pardon me. Does Marissa want coffee? I can’t imagine that there’s heat in that thing. She must be getting cold. You could bring some out to her.

MIKEY

She’ll be fine.

EDGAR

Alright, if you say so. Please, have a seat anywhere. M Dawg chided me for throwing away my money when I splurged on this big ol’ modular couch because we hardly ever have anyone over, but it’s finally coming in handy. I keep telling him that we should have a game night– get to know the neighbors– but he says that no one would want to play Scythe with us.

M DAWG

Even I don’t want to play Scythe with us, Panther. I’ve played twice and I still don’t know the rules. We are not subjecting company to that.

We hear the sound of mugs being placed down on a coffee table.

MATT

…I know how to play Scythe.

EDGAR

And you live in town! You should come over for game night sometime. All the more reason not to kill us.

M DAWG

You didn’t tell me that there’s a new cowboy in town, babe.

EDGAR

I didn’t know. The middle Mike, you mean?

M DAWG

Yeah. That one isn’t the Mike from the Latvia Base. He’s not old enough. That Mike is from our time, if I were to guess.

MW

You can call me MW.

MICHAEL

M-Dubya.

M DAWG

What happened to Mike?

MIKEY

That’s Mike’s business. MW is part of why we are here, though. As I presume you know, there was an incident wherein several different iterations of OVER Mike and OVEdgar fled from O.V.E.R. and out into the world. After dealing with the iteration that was the source of the issue, we underwent a cleanup effort to minimize the damage, which resulted in the consolidation of those iterations back into one Mike: MW.

EDGAR

I’m starting to understand. You are here with an ultimatum. You’ve consolidated all of these Mikeys into MW. Now you’re here with your shotguns to tell M Dawg to consolidate with MW or we get blown to bits by August here. And if we try anything funny or get the slip on you, Marissa has orders to blow the whole place up and start over again.

AUGUST

You really can just call me Sly…

M DAWG

If you’re every escaped Mikey consolidated into one, where are the Edgar iterations?

MIKEY

That isn’t why we’re here.

MICHAEL

We ain’t here to consolidate no one, Ed Man.

MIKEY

Simply put: we don’t know what your deal is. Who are you? Did you and M Dawg escape O.V.E.R. the night that the rest of the iterations did?

EDGAR

Well, we left O.V.E.R., obviously.

MIKEY

You aren’t in the security logs with the rest of the iterations.

EDGAR

Hmm. That seems quite suspicious.

MICHAEL

I can’t say I like this way of answerin’ very much.

MATT

That’s not the only suspicious thing. I’ve been following your Instagram for weeks and you’ve been up to something since you’ve been in Vancouver. You’re popping up all over town, all of the time. It looks like you’re trying to set up an alibi.

M DAWG

An alibi for what?

EDGAR

We’re just making up for lost time. You can read all about it on our Instagram.

MATT

Okay, fair point. All of that is circumstantial. I can’t deny that. But you’ve been up to something out here in Kitts. When you are being men about town, I mean. I’ve been driving by this house every night for… a couple of weeks at this point. And the laid back island lifestyle demeanor seems to vanish when the sun goes down.

MIKEY

Huh?

EDGAR

Told you so, Bear. That was Matt who was staking out our house.

MIKEY

We didn’t tell him to do that. Matt…

M DAWG

See, I would’ve thought that it was Matt, too. He lives here in Vancouver and it was only a matter of time before he started becoming more involved in Base. But then I saw the white van and that’s why I told you that I thought that it was Marissa. It reminded me of the white van that she supplied for us the night that we went on that early Base mission, before there even was an O.V.E.R. Mike. Of course, at the end of that mission we had to blow that van up, but she didn’t seem to have much difficulty supplying the first one, so I thought she could just as easily get another.

MATT

…I don’t drive a white van, M Dawg. I drive a beat up red pickup  truck. Whoever you saw wasn’t me.

MICHAEL

Well, the good news is that Matt might be a good spy after all, if he didn’t get caught.

MW

And the bad news is that it sounds like someone else is watching you.

EDGAR [CONCERNED]

Oh. That’s much more concerning than Matt peeking in our windows. I don’t enjoy being spied on by Base, but now I’m worried that someone who knows what they’re doing has their eyes on us. I don’t think we’ve run afoul of O.V.E.R. or the Flinchites or the Arbiters or anyone of that caliber, though.

MIKEY

No offense taken.

MICHAEL

Don’t underestimate the ones with a tank pointed at your front door. I’ve killed enough Mikeys to say for certain that if’n I wanted you dead, you’d be dead.

AUGUST

Whoa there. Simmer down, Big Bear. It’s not worth gettin’ heated over. Mikey, you got some questions for ‘em, I believe?

MIKEY

Yeah… Regarding the “escapees”– the Mikes and Edgars that fled O.V.E.R. on that night. Many of them were killed after the escape. Were you involved with these killings?

EDGAR

No, we weren’t.

MIKEY

Would you tell me the truth if you were involved?

EDGAR

I’d like to think so, yes, but that is neither here nor there because we were not involved.

M DAWG

What would our motive even be?

MICHAEL

C’aint say without gettin’ some more information. Whaddaya say, Mikey? MW? Do you believe them?

MIKEY

I think so. M Dawg is right that we don’t have a motive for them. Plus, I can usually tell when Panther’s lying and I can always tell when one of the Mikes is lying.

MW

Yeah, when a Mike is lying, he always makes that face. You know the one.

MIKEY

Yep. Like [pause.] Just like that. That face. [Laughs.]

MW

Just that tiny bit of conscience poking out from under the surface for a second.

AUGUST

Hey, I know that face! Big Bear, we gotta have us a talk later about whether the garbage man really missed our house that one time or if you forgot to take the garbage can to the end of the driveway.

EDGAR

Trouble in paradise.

MICHAEL

Later. This ain’t about me and my ugly lyin’ mug. Ed Man, M Dawg: if it ain’t you out there pickin’ off Mikeys and Edgars, we’re still trying to put together who is. You could be in danger. So could we. We only got one lead to go on. You seen two folks lurkin’ around any? Followin’ you? Or maybe they’re always at the same place you happen to be at? Something like that?

EDGAR

Two people? Mikey Bear, you’re going to need to be much more specific.

MICHAEL

That’s all I know. Saw ‘em once in the dark and that’s it. Don’t know nothin’ else except they seem to coincide with the premature death of the escapees. The Edgars of the group, more often than not.

MW

They could all be in danger, but I think that me and the two of you are definitely in danger, Ed Man and M Dawg.

EDGAR

Then I wish we could be more helpful. Do you have any leads on tracking them down?

MIKEY

We have Cole. He’s a close friend of Chance’s that owes us some favors after we bailed him out of a bad situation. He’s more technically proficient with the O.V.E.R. technology, so we’re having him dig up as much as he can. Unfortunately, we don’t have anything to link these two mysterious figures to the rest of the puzzle yet. There’s only so much work he can do until we find some more clues.

MATT [BECOMING A BIT MIFFED]

Are you seriously saying that you don’t know anything? Anything at all?

EDGAR

We have no reason to lie to you.

MATT

If you’re not lying, then you’re definitely doing something lying adjacent.

M DAWG

Matt, what are yo  u talking about?

MATT [INCREASINGLY ACCUSINGLY]

I’ve seen the two of you when you thought that no one else was watching. It’s all smiles and the perfect marriage and all that bullshit while you’re talking to us, but when the sun goes down and it’s just the two of you, it’s all black turtlenecks and camo toques and moving mysterious boxes into the back of a U-HAUL. Heavy boxes, too. Enough that it takes both of you to get them on the truck.

EDGAR [SHORTLY]

That’s none of your business.

M DAWG

Matt, we loaded that stuff up inside of our fenced-in backyard. Our backyard isn’t visible from the road.

MATT

Which is why I had to hide in your bushes. Don’t try to shift the accusations onto me. I was keeping an eye on the two of you and that night was proof that I was right to do so. What was in the boxes?

AUGUST

You fellas wanna explain yourselves?

M DAWG

That’s none of your business.

MIKEY

You’re Mike and Edgar. Everything you do is our business.

EDGAR [DEFENSIVE]

Oh, we’re the same person now? Now that it’s convenient?

MIKEY

All of these Mikes and Edgars out in the wild are going to get all of us killed. What you do out here propagates toward the rest of us and there’s no one out here to oversee it. Your outcomes are my outcomes. So, yeah, I guess that we are the same person in that sense.

We hear both of them stand up.

AUGUST

Sit down, both of ya.

MIKEY

Or what, August? You’re gonna shoot me?

AUGUST

I’m gonna clobber ya with the butt of my shotgun. Sit.

They sit.

AUGUST

Now, we ain’t gettin’ anywhere by throwin’ around accusations. So let’s take it easy. Ed Man and M Dawg, would you care to explain what Matt saw?

M DAWG

We were downsizing. Edgar had too much crap in the house and we had two junk rooms, one of which was full of airport thriller Rafael Muslani trash that neither of us was ever going to read.

EDGAR

If you read between the lines, Rafael Muslani has some really interesting things to say.

MATT

Yeah, I liked Salesmen & True Believers.

AUGUST

Salesmen & True Believers the TV show? I didn’t even know it was a book.

M DAWG

And you were never going to read those lines, much less in-between them. And I wanted to turn it into a music room.

EDGAR [TEASING]

Just as soon as you can find your guitar…

M DAWG

Yes, just as soon as I can find my guitar. So we moved some heavy boxes full of books into a storage facility.

MICHAEL

Can you take us to this storage facility?

M DAWG

What a waste of time that would be.

AUGUST

Marissa’s got a Calculator in the tank. We could pop over there and pop right back if it would calm everyone down. Ed Man? M Dawg?

MATT

Personally, I would feel better about this whole thing if we did.

EDGAR

I don’t want you going in there. There’s private belongings in there.

MIKEY

If we’re going to find things he doesn’t want us to find, all the more reason to check it out.

M DAWG

No, you’re wasting your time. And you’re picking a fight over nothing. We’re losing the plot here. Let’s take a step back. Matt, you didn’t see– [anything other than us moving some boxes?]

We hear a loud explosion outside: the tank gun firing.

EVERYONE makes some noises of bewilderment: ex. a gasp, a grunt, a guffaw, heavy breathing, a “holy shit!” etc.

MIKEY

…Am I dead?

AUGUST

You ain’t dead, Mikey. Might be easier if ya were. Cause if we ain’t dead that means that we got trouble to deal with.

MATT

Everyone okay? MW? Ed Man? M Dawg?

MW

I’m fine. 

EDGAR

I’m okay.

M DAWG

Me, too. Whatever that I was, I don’t think it hit the house.

We hear the sound of the shotgun racking.

AUGUST

Y’all stay put. Matt, grab your shotgun and follow my lead. We’ll assess the damage and report back.

MICHAEL

I’ll tag along, Badger.

AUGUST

You sure, Big Bear? Could get western out there.

MICHAEL

Western’s my middle name, Badger.

MATT

Michael Western Walters?

MICHAEL

M-Dubya-Dubya for short. Let’s move out, men. MW, tend to the herd while we’re gone.

MW

Can do.

MATT

10-4.

AUGUST

10-4.

MATT [FADE OUT/WALKING AWAY]

I want a cool code name like Badger or Big Bear.

AUGUST

Hmm… Possum?

MATT

…I don’t know about that.

MICHAEL

We’ll see how ya like it after we break it in. Let’s get a move on, Possum.

AUGUST

Lock ‘n’ load, Possum.

We hear the door shut as they leave.

MW

…That sound was definitely the tank firing, right?

MIKEY

Yep.

EDGAR

Well, it didn’t hit the house. Do you think that Marissa was shooting at us and missed?

MW

I don’t think it’s possible to miss a house from point blank range with a tank.

MIKEY

Marissa doesn’t miss. She hit me in the dark from a mile away the night she thought that I was the bear.

MW

Yep. Whatever she was actually aiming at just got blown to smithereens. I’m just worried that she found something else to shoot at. All we can do now is hunker down and wait for the three of them to return. 

There is an awkward pause.

EDGAR

So August is Badger, huh?

MIKEY

I told Michael not to bring him along.

EDGAR

No, it’s fine. Don’t say that on my behalf, Mikey. I’m happy for him. He doesn’t have an Edgar and he needs someone to support him. Someone besides other iterations of himself. I saw how he looked over at August for encouragement every time he had something to say. It was sweet. I know that look. Right, M Dawg?

M DAWG

This one?

EDGAR

That one.

MW

That’s quite understanding of you. If it were me… I don’t know. I think I’d feel jealous or angry. Or just ill at ease.

EDGAR

I’m not any of those things. I have my Mikey Bear. We have this beautiful house and this wonderful life together. We have eight years to love one another. Michael needs someone to snuggle up to and call him Mikey Bear and have his back when he’s in trouble. And to be the brains of the operation when necessary.

MIKEY

August calls him Big Bear, actually.

MW

He even wrote Michael a song about it.

MIKEY

He’s already shown you the song?

MW

He shows it to everyone, every chance he gets. Boris has an .mp3 of it.

M DAWG

I’m gonna write you a song, Panther.

EDGAR

With the missing guitar?

M DAWG

…It’s around here somewhere.

We hear AUGUST, MICHAEL, and MATT re-enter.

AUGUST

Howdy, y’all.

MATT

We have returned.

MIKEY

Well, you made it back alive. And I didn’t hear any gunfire.

MATT

No gunfire necessary.

EDGAR

What’s happening out there?

AUGUST

Well,  there’s a smokin’ crater across the road from you now and, by the looks of it, there used to be a white van parked there. Now there’s just scrap metal.

MW

Do you think that Marissa took out our suspects?

MICHAEL

Unclear.

MATT

The other thing that we noticed is that the tank is no longer in the yard.

MW

Marissa drove it off?

MICHAEL

Ain’t no more tread marks than the ones we made coming in.

AUGUST

She vanished.

MICHAEL

I already called Base. She’s not there. She won’t answer her phone. Someone took her.

MW

And the tank.

MICHAEL

And a Calculator.

MATT

And we don’t know how to track her down.

MICHAEL

Worse. We don’t know how to track her down, but I unfortunately know someone who does.

END THEME PLAYS.