91: Do You Trust Me?

SUMMARY

I don’t have much of a choice but to cooperate, do I?

TRANSCRIPT

WOE.BEGONE EPISODE 91: DO YOU TRUST ME?

MICHAEL

Alright, M. Follow the light with your eyes.

M

This is stupid. I’m fine, Michael.

MICHAEL

I’ll decide that for myself, thank you kindly. [Pause.] Yep, you’re fine.

M

I know that.

MIKEY

You’ve got some big shoes to fill, M. We have to make sure that you’re in fighting form.

M

You can just call me Mike, you know.

MICHAEL

“Mike” is taken, sorry.

M

So that one gets to be the only “Mike” now? How is that fair?

MICHAEL

Fair ain’t got nothin’ to do with it.

MIKEY

“M” is fine. I think it sounds cool. I won’t call him MW, though. It’s a mouthful.

MICHAEL

M-Dubya. Gotta cowboy it up. Less syllables that way. Saves time.

MIKEY

M-Doubleyou. [Poorly] M-Dubya.

MICHAEL

Don’t sound right when you say it.

MIKEY

He’s going to have to pretend to be Mike, anyway. Or are you going to tell Boris that a new Mike is walking his dog?

M

There’s a dog? Oh. There’s a dog. Sorry. There are a lot of memories and not a lot of them are from that iteration. Everything that happened after O.V.E.R. is a huge blurry mess.

MICHAEL

He can’t pretend to be Mike. They been separated too long. Plus Mike got the cauliflower ear. Unless you want me to hold ya down and make ya match, M-Dubya. Clip ya like a stray mutt.

M

[Pause.] If that’s what you think we should do, Michael.

MIKEY

Excuse me?

M

I’m not trying to make waves here. Whatever y’all want me to do, I’ll do it. I’m not in a position to argue.

MICHAEL

…Will ya wear a cowboy hat?

M

Sure.

MICHAEL

Will ya go huntin’ with me and Boris?

M

Sure. Anything you want.

MICHAEL

I like this one, Mikey.

MIKEY

I bet you do. M… dubya–

MICHAEL

Dubya.

MIKEY

Now that you’re settled in a bit: are you ready to answer some questions?

M

No problem.

MIKEY

Alright, first: all of the O.V.E.R. Mikes got consolidated into you, correct?

M

All of the ones that I know about, though I can’t say that it’s very easy to tell if that’s all of us. We all left O.V.E.R. as soon as we were iterated. That was the point of the whole escape, to get out of there as fast as possible. No looking back. There’s… 1 that I know of? One pair of Mike and Edgar? But you’re why I know about them in the first place, so I assume that you know that they are still out there.

MIKEY

They’re a special case.

MICHAEL

Speaking of them 2: has Matt been made aware of these new circumstances?

MIKEY

Yep. He still has eyes on Ed Man and M Dawg. They are, presumably, still living out a normal enough life up there in Vancouver.

M

Why are they special?

MICHAEL

Ain’t yer business.

MIKEY

Michael, he’s one of us now. If we’re taking him under our wings, he needs to be let in.

M

[fledgling accent] I ain’t no trouble, soldier.

MICHAEL

Hmm… I guess you’re right. Ed Man and M Dawg weren’t in the transport logs from Tier 2. At least not in the same place as the rest of the Mustardseed escape iterations. We ain’t sure when they left or why. They could be one of ya, but we ain’t sure yet. We wanted to have our ducks in a row afore we started workin’ on ‘em.

MIKEY

And we didn’t want to consolidate that Mike with you because if he isn’t one of the Mustardseed escapees, then we didn’t want to contaminate the final consolidation. The O.V.E.R. Mikes weren’t apart from each other for very long in the grand scheme of things. You have a ton of extra memories, sure, but  they are fairly brief and are mostly you and Edgar trying to live your best lives. There’s nothing too dramatic from colliding those separate worlds. We don’t know what Ed Man and M Dawg are up to. It could be something more malicious. Something that would turn the resulting Mike against us if he was part of the consolidation.

MICHAEL

You ever met Ed Man and M Dawg, M Dubya?

M

…No? Why would I?

MICHAEL

Search all yer memories for us. I know there’s a lot and they’re all fuzzy and fightin’ each other like stray dogs, but dig deep, pilgrim. Any of ‘em see them two? Especially the ones with Edgars that didn’t make it home.

M

…I don’t think so. The times Edgar died, I didn’t see anyone. It happened too fast. And at night.

MIKEY

Michael and I saw 2 figures when we were out on the mission where we saw one of the Edgar iterations die. Did you ever see anything like that?

M

You think it’s another Mike and Edgar?

MICHAEL

We ain’t rulin’ anything out.

MIKEY

One of the Edgars close in time to the rest of you did end up being Mustardseed, after all. And Cole assured us when he went over the records that Ed Man and M Dawg were not grouped together with the rest of the pack. So there’s an outside chance that their involvement is unique.

MICHAEL

So there ain’t no point in hidin’ anything from us, M Dubya. If they’re huntin’ ya down, we just made it a lot easier for them by bringin’ y’all together into one iteration.

M

I would tell ya if I knew a dang thing, Michael. Are they the next part of the plan?

MICHAEL

Yup. We got eyes on ‘em in the form of Matt. He’s Base now, but we’re keeping him in Vancouver until we figure this one out. He’s a one man Base out there.

MIKEY

And on Base payroll, too, I might add. To make it worth his while.

M

Okay, so we’re looking at Ed Man and M Dawg and they’re playing it cool. So what’s next? We make a house call?

MICHAEL

Bingo.

MIKEY

We need to get some failsafes in order and then we’re knocking on their door. Me, you, Michael, and Matt.

MICHAEL

And enough firepower to level the whole city of Vancouver. Can’t never be too careful.

M

And if they’re a normal Mike and Edgar who just want to be left alone?

MICHAEL

Can’t abide it, unfortunately. But they’ll join you and OVEdgar.

M

When will I get to see Edgar again?

MIKEY

That’s up to Edgar, I think. Both my Edgar and OVEdgar. He has been considerably less cooperative than you, M.

M

I’m not surprised.

MICHAEL

Edgar got some fire in his belly when he needs it. He’ll come around. Ya gotta trust us on the time tables.

M

I trust ya, Michael.

MICHAEL

Good.

M

Do you trust me?

MICHAEL

Conditionally. If’n ya cooperate on our missions.

M

I fully intend to cooperate.

MICHAEL

Attaboy.

We hear a knock on the door and a dog barking.

MIKEY

Shit. That’s Boris. Mike was supposed to walk Bruno today. You want me to tell him that Mike is… sick? Gone? Here but he looks different?

MICHAEL

Nah, I’ll take care of it. Me and M-Dubya’ll walk Bruno together. You ever smoke a pipe before, M Dubya?

M

Uhh… no?

MICHAEL

Wanna try?

M

…If you want me to?

MICHAEL

We’ll walk and talk with Bruno. It’ll be fun. Grab yer coat, it’s a bit nippy out there this morning.

M

…Sure thing.

MICHAEL [Fading out]

Good deal. Bruno’s a great pup. You’ll love him. And you can meet Boris later. He’s one ornery cur but he’s a straight shooter once you get to know him. And I got a spare pipe I ain’t ever used and some nice mellow tobacco.

SCENE TRANSITION.

M

I remember too much is the problem. It’s like I’m experiencing an overflow error, where it wraps back around and I can’t remember much of anything because there’s too much of everything. I know that all of that stuff is in there, but when I go to focus on it, I can’t pick a spot to fix my vision on. Does that make sense?

MICHAEL

Too much sense, pilgrim. You do learn to live with it, after awhile. Makes ya jumpy sometimes. Makes ya question what really happened and what didn’t. Well, I guess with your consolidation, they all really happened. It’s harder with corrections stacked on top of one another.

M

I can imagine.

MICHAEL

You’ll get through it, pilgrim. Mikey and I will keep you on the straight and narrow. If’n yer willin’ to cooperate with us, that is.

M

I don’t have much of a choice but to cooperate, do I?

MICHAEL

It’s that or the grave, M Dubya.

M

I would like to avoid the grave, thank you.

MICHAEL

You know I killed a lot of Mikeys in my day. Weren’t the way that I wanted things to go, but that’s the way it is. 

M

Are you threatening me?

MICHAEL

I’m layin’ down the law. If a Mikey shows up on our doorstep bedraggled from the Flinchite compound or someplace else that we can’t account for, I let him in, wait until he gets comfortable, and try to put ‘im down before they know what hit ‘em. We can’t be sure they ain’t workin’ with the Flinchites. It’s not safe to keep ‘em around.

M

That’s… I’m glad you didn’t do that to me.

MICHAEL

I’m keepin’ you around as a favor to Mike. I want you to remember that. You might turn out to be a fine member of our cozy little Base. Mike believed in you. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled.

M

I don’t blame you. I was at O.V.E.R. for the worst of the worst, but I know that this isn’t a cakewalk. We’re here to do dangerous work.

MICHAEL

And Base offloads the dirtiest work of all to us. Because we can handle it. Can you handle it, M Dubya?

M

I… will handle it. It’s not a matter of if I can, is it? I’m going to have to handle it, so I’m going to handle it. Plain and simple.

MICHAEL

Yer damn right you will. That’s why I brought you with me to walk Bruno. I wanted to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. Mikey is gonna try to coddle you, but we’re in too far for that. We don’t got time. We’re throwing you in the deep end, so you best be prepared for it.

M

I’m ready, Michael. I’ll admit, it isn’t what I wanted. You know what I wanted. I’m the coalescence of dozens of attempts to get what I want. But I failed and I’m here. So I might as well get to work.

MICHAEL

Glad to hear it. It’s time to prove yourself, M Dubya.

M

Prove myself… now?

MICHAEL

Yup. Mikey would kill me if he knew what I was about to put ya through, so you can’t tell a soul, understand?

M

Yeah… uh… what are we doing, exactly?

MICHAEL

Unbeknownst to Mikey boy, we had an unexpected visitor last week while he was at O.V.E.R. An “escapee” from the Flinchite compound. A liar. We’re all Mike Walters, M Dubya. It ain’t possible to keep a lie up for too long. He was sent there by the Flinchites for information or to plant a bug or maybe even just for me to get rid of him for them. Can’t never tell with them.

M

And so you killed him?

MICHAEL

Hogtied him and stashed him in the apartment next door. So much of my life is hogtyin’ these days. That apartment has been empty for months. I think Boris won’t rent it out because he wants to give us our privacy. He’s sittin’ in there right now.

M

Pardon me for being naive, but why are you keeping him alive?

MICHAEL

For this occasion, M Dubya. We’re gonna take this here Calculator and head back a few days to when the apartment was empty, head next door and… well, you said that you were gonna prove yourself, partner.

M

You want me to kill him?

MICHAEL

I want you to look him in the eyes and kill him. No gun. We don’t need a tenant callin’ the police on us. You wanna wear a cowboy hat and smoke a pipe and butter me up? Prove it ain’t just an act to get me to let my arm down. Kill the Mikey.

M

Fuck. Michael, that is… oh, fuck. I… don’t know if I can do that. I’m a Mikey, too. I’m not any different than that one.

MICHAEL

I’m a Mikey, too, and I have been doing the hard work all by my lonesome all this time. You didn’t sound like you had a problem with it when it was me doin’ the killin’.

M

…You’re serious. I… I can’t. I… what if–

MICHAEL

“Whaf if” nothin’. Ain’t nobody gonna miss this one.

M

What if I just consolidate with him? You already consolidated a bunch of Mikeys into me. What’s one more?

MICHAEL

Can’t trust him. Can’t taint the consolidation. That’s the reason we’re killin’ him in the first place. M Dubya, you said I could trust you. We’re gonna have to do a lot worse than this.

M

I… I… I’ll do it.

MICHAEL

You’ll do it?

M

I’ll do it.

MICHAEL

Mean it.

M

I’ll do it.

MICHAEL

Damn straight you’ll do it. We’ll pop over there just as soon as we’re done with our walk. Oh, uh… crowded sidewalk. Wave at the ladies, M Dubya. Sveiki.

M

Sve—iki?

MICHAEL

Viņu sauc Bruno. [Polite laughter.] Alright. Ardievu. Tip your hat, M Dubya.

M

Uhh…

MICHAEL

Ain’t many cowboy dogwalkers ‘round these parts. Gets us a lot of attention. You gotta get comfortable sayin’ howdy.

M

That might be easier if you hadn’t just told me that I have to kill an iteration of myself.

MICHAEL

Gets easier, I do it all the time. C’mon, let’s head to the dog park and we’ll throw the ball around a little bit before we have to roll up our sleeves and get to work.

M

Sounds… great.

SCENE TRANSITION.

MICHAEL

He’s right on the other side of that there door, M Dubya.

M

[Heavy breathing.] I can’t do this. I can’t do this, Michael. I want to do this. I want to prove myself to you. But I can’t do this. That’s one of the Mikes in there. That’s me. That’s just like me when I was tied up in the warehouse, waiting for the rest of me to consolidate.

MICHAEL

That ain’t you. You’re gonna prove yourself to me. That’s how you’re different. He’s bound and gagged so he ain’t gonna give you his sob story about how he escaped or he’s bein’ controlled by Ty or whatever his story is. That’s as easy as it’s going to get with these types.

M

What if I refuse to do it? Then what? You’re gonna kill me?

MICHAEL

Yes’m.

M

What would you tell Mikey?

MICHAEL

That I did what I had to do. He’d be cross with me, but he’d understand.

M

What about him, though? Didn’t he escape from the compound just like this one?

MICHAEL

We put him through his paces, believe you me. I made damn sure that he was safe before I let him become part of the team.

M

Okay. If you say so. [Pause.] I don’t want to do this, Michael.

MICHAEL

[Sigh.] Welp, it’s good that you don’t wanna do it. That’s natural. It’s a good instinct to have in almost every instance. But this ain’t one of those instances. 

M

There has to be another option.

MICHAEL

Oh, there are other options. We can let him run free and cause who knows what kind of damage. You ain’t got memories of everyone at Base getting killed, but I do. Mikey does. That’s one outcome. Other option is I kill him in front of ya. Then the hard work gets done by me, same as it always is, and you ain’t earned my trust. But that Mike is dead either way. That don’t work out good for no one.

M

So I have to do it?

MICHAEL

You wanted to cowboy up this mornin’, pilgrim. So cowboy up.

M

[Sigh.] Alright. I’m ready. Well, I ain’t ready, but I ain’t waitin’ anymore.

MICHAEL

That’s the spirit. Get in there and raise hell, partner. Here’s your weapon. My pappy passed this huntin’ knife down to me and I’m passin’ it down to you.

M

Michael, that isn’t true. We have the same father and there’s no way he owns a hunting knife.

MICHAEL

Alright, Boris bought me one because I asked him about his. But a story about regiftin’ ain’t poignant. 

M

Yeah…

MICHAEL

Go get ‘em, M Dubya.

We hear MICHAEL slap M on the back. M grunts determinedly and we hear the door fling open. There is a moment of silence while M takes in the scene.

M

Uh… wuh? [Stammering] Uh, Michael? What’s going on? Did he get away? There’s… no one in here?

MICHAEL clear his throat in a particular way. We hear two doors fling open.

MIKEY AND MIKE

SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MW! [They laugh.]

M

What the fuck?

MICHAEL

[Laughing] Put the knife down, M Dubya. It’s just Mike and Mikey.

M

Jesus, Michael. I could have stabbed them.

MICHAEL

It was pretty clear that you weren’t stabbin’ no one today, pilgrim.

M

I was still trying to figure out a way to get out of it.

MIKE

To be clear, I told him not to do this, but I wasn’t here to stop him.

MIKEY

To be clear, I helped. You should have seen the look on your face. Guess you weren’t expecting a surprise birthday party, huh?

M

It’s not my birthday.

MIKEY

None of us know when any of our birthdays are, obviously. But you went through a lot of time recently so we thought: why not today?

MICHAEL

Assumin’ you passed the test. Which ya did.

MIKEY

Michael’s not wrong that you need to get ready. We’re doing the Ed Man and M Dawg mission next week, all factors permitting. It might get hairier than having to kill a Flinchite spy.

MICHAEL

You’re ready as far as I’m concerned.

MIKE

Welcome to the team, M. I’m glad that I left Base in such capable hands.

MICHAEL

Glad to have ya back for the evening, Mike. It feels like it’s been an eternity.

MIKE

It’s been two weeks.

MICHAEL

I said “feels like,” dammit. How’s Edgar.

MIKE

As good as he can be.

M

So, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but: is this a party or did y’all just wanna jump out and scare me?

MIKEY

Party’s at Base, set up and waiting for us to get there.Have you been to Base since the O.V.E.R. iteration split?

M

I don’t think so?

MIKEY

It looks way different now. A lot more lived in.

MIKE

Mikey’s made a mess of it is what he means.

MIKEY

I keep my disorganization to my area, thank you very much. And Anne and Edgar have turned the common spaces into some very cozy, very aesthetic nooks. And Edgar’s making the cake. He’s getting really good at the gluten free pastry stuff.

M

Thanks, guys. I’m still sorta… reeling.

MICHAEL

Well quit yer reelin’ before we show up there, partner. Cause Base wouldn’t exactly approve our little prank here.

MIKEY

Not because we tricked you into thinking you had to kill someone, but because if you had pulled that hunting knife on me and Mike we would have to sort out some messy corrections business.

MICHAEL

That knife really is my birthday gift to ya, M Dubya.

M

Thanks. I’ll put it to good use.

MICHAEL

You did say that you’d go huntin’ with me and Boris. You ever field dress a boar before?

M

Can’t say that I have.

MICHAEL

I’ll teach ya. It’ll be fun.

MIKEY

And if I know Marissa, that knife won’t be the only weapon you will be receiving as a birthday gift this year.

MICHAEL

Nah, I know what Marissa got him.

MIKE

Is it the same as what she got for you last year?

MICHAEL

Yup.

MIKE

Hell yeah. Dibs on going second. After the birthday boy of course.

MIKEY

Should we go before you two spoil all of the birthday gifts?

MIKE

Yeah, let’s move out. You ready with the Calculator, Michael?

MICHAEL

Sure am. See yall Base-side. Initiatin’ transport in 3, 2, 1…

We hear the time travel noise.

M

[Surprised, reverby.] Ah! What the fuck?

MICHAEL

You are lookin’ down the barrel of an FV433 Abbot SPG tank. Read the note tied to it.

M

“Happy Birthday, MW. Welcome to the team. Let’s blow some shit up together. -Marissa.” Where did she get a tank?

MIKE

We are not allowed to ask questions.

MIKEY

I think that you can rent a tank some places?

MIKE

Marissa did not rent this tank. We should head inside. They’re waiting for the birthday boy in there. And Marissa will talk your ear off about the tank. You’ll learn everything there is to know about it. Except for where it came from and how she is so easily able to get it here for birthday parties.

MIKEY

After you, MW. Welcome to the team, man. Glad to have ya.

M

Glad to be here.

We hear chit chat fading out and party music fading in.

END THEME PLAYS.